4 year old will not sleep in his own bed

[DawnM]

We have tried everything.   

We have a routine.   We do the same thing every night.   He falls asleep.   But within a couple of hours, he wakes up, comes in our bed, wakes us up by tossing and kicking, etc.....we take him back and he then this goes on 2-4 times per night.

We have bought him all sorts of toys, including the one that puts lighted stars on the ceiling when you press it, so he can have more light in the middle of the night.   He has several large cuddle toys in his bed, etc...he has a weighted blanket.

We let him fall asleep again (in our bed) before moving him because there are others in the house and he screams bloody murder when he doesn't like something and he wakes the entire household up.

We need sleep.   I am exhausted.

He HAS a place he can sleep in our room that is not our bed if he needs to come in, but he doesn't want that place, he wants OUR BED.

We don't know why he wakes up, sometimes he says he has bad dreams and other times he just says he doesn't know.

He turns 5 in a couple of months.....

Any advice?

[DawnM]

He has a really cool low loft Bed from IKEA that has a tent.   Once we set it up, he said the tent was scary at night, so we removed the tent, then he said being up in his bed was scary.   

A friend is giving us a cool race car bed next week and we will put that in and see if that helps at all.   

UGH!

[Rosie_0801]

He's self medicating. Your bed feels like the safest place, and I don't think there are any nice ways to change that.

Sucks though.

[Guest]

I agree with Rosie. He’s healing from trauma (if I’m not mixing up the life events with another member here); he needs help for now. I totally get how maddening it is but I think I would let him be in your bed until this need wanes. I just don’t think this is a discipline matter; it is developmental. 

[Rosie_0801]

My 15yo has just stopped co-sleeping, and I'm not betting money that it's going to last.
That's trauma for ya...

[Innisfree]

Any way you can get a larger bed?

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

I agree with Rosie. He’s healing from trauma (if I’m not mixing up the life events with another member here); he needs help for now. I totally get how maddening it is but I think I would let him be in your bed until this need wanes. I just don’t think this is a discipline matter; it is developmental. 

You are not.   He is the child we just adopted from foster care and he has been through more trauma in his little life than most of us adults have ever been through.

[DawnM]

Just now, Innisfree said:

Any way you can get a larger bed?

Well, we have a King.

[Guest]

Just now, DawnM said:

You are not.   He is the child we just adopted from foster care and he has been through more trauma in his little life than most of us adults have ever been through.

I’m so sorry. If I had a magic wand…

That confirms for me that you will probably get more sleep if you permit him to be in your bed than if you keep trying to put him back in his bed. His neurological system is not up to the task of being alone for ten hours. He needs to heal first. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Well, we have a King.

Can you do the side-car bed thing? Would that help?

[Acorn]

I think, but am not sure of exact wording, that you might need to consider him younger than chronologically 4 for building emotion attachment. I would be reassuring and offer him your bed or a cot next to your bed.

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

Can you do the side-car bed thing? Would that help?

I don't see one that is large enough for a 42" 40 pound child.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

My seven year old is still the same way. He’ll start in his bed but has a nightmare and is in my bed every night. I’m not going to be helpful here, but we wound up just buying a bigger bed. 

[pinball]

If you decide to allow him to sleep in your bed, you could try those long body pillows to block the tossing and turning and kicking.

 

[historically accurate]

19 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Well, we have a King.

Can you squish a twin next to the King - like a pop-up trundle or something? 

[DawnM]

8 minutes ago, historically accurate said:

Can you squish a twin next to the King - like a pop-up trundle or something? 

We would have to rearrange the room, and it would be awkward but I guess we could.

 

[DawnM]

42 minutes ago, Acorn said:

I think, but am not sure of exact wording, that you might need to consider him younger than chronologically 4 for building emotion attachment. I would be reassuring and offer him your bed or a cot next to your bed.

Yes, his emotional maturity is half his age the therapist told me.

[Katy]

I think it’s pretty common at that age, but the feelings are a lot stronger bc of the trauma. I’d probably let him stay in your room bc you’ll get more sleep. I might insist he sleep in his own bed in my room though.

[LifeLovePassion]

I'd consider adding a twin to the side of your bed and you or dh can always slide over on that. Sleep is important for everyone. 

[DawnM]

After thinking about the added bed in our room, I think that having a twin mattress or something we can put up during the day would be better and have DH or me sleep on that instead of the child.   He won't stay on the set up in our room we have now.

[Katy]

An XL twin is the same as half a king. If you wanted to make it a triple. 

[DawnM]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

An XL twin is the same as half a king. If you wanted to make it a triple. 

Yes, we have two XL twins to make a split king.   

Thanks.   

DH was not keen on rearranging our room to make a triple bed.   🤣

[Bambam]

Would it work better to add the extra twin mattress to the end of your bed? I realize that it probably won't match the width, but maybe you won't have to rearrange the entire room? 

[Hilltopmom]

We added another twin to our king set up when we had this issue. Same height as our bed so it was not like sleeping in another area. Yes it made the room look weird but it worked. Better than the constant waking up.

good luck 

[DawnM]

31 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Would it work better to add the extra twin mattress to the end of your bed? I realize that it probably won't match the width, but maybe you won't have to rearrange the entire room? 

Not sure.   He has a loveseat there right now that we make into a bed for him at night.   He won't stay there either.

[Starr]

Our ds started waking up and coming to our bed around five years old. He would sleep with us or dh would get in his twin bed with him to sleep. I don't know why there was this change. And he does not have the history of your ds. Fortunately dh is a great sleeper. I don't think there's an easy answer. Hugs. 

[DawnM]

Thanks guys.   Helps to know we are not alone.

[EKS]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

I don't see one that is large enough for a 42" 40 pound child.

Could you put a twin bed right next to your bed?

Edited October 1, 2022 by EKS

[Terabith]

I got up and slept in my parents' bed until I was six or so.  My youngest slept in our bed most nights until she was ten.  I'm a big believer in the best place to sleep is where everyone gets the most sleep, and I think I'd put my efforts into ways to make cosleeping more conducive to sleep for everyone.  Could one of you go sleep in his bed when he comes into your bed?  Body pillows to keep from getting kicked at night?  

[barnwife]

I agree with other posters. He's trying to heal from trauma. Unfortunately, that meams there are no easy solutions here. If rearranging your room isn't possible to add a bed for DS there, what about adding a twin to his room for you to sleep there? If you could be there until he falls asleep, and then head back in once he wakes, it'd at least cut it down to 2 night wakings. This is still not great, but it might be better than what's currently happening. 

Also, we have always co-slept with our kids. We have a full (not queen, not king, just a full). It's...definitely tight with the 2 yo in with us. And our current 2 yo is the most wiggly of any of ours at night. So yes, at some point usually DH or I head to the guest room. Actually, once DS is asleep, we go the the guest room together. DS has recently rarely started sleeping until 5ish without waking. Not every night, but often enough that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

FWIW, our older 4 all moved to their own room at about 18 months. But this kid is clearly not ready for that, unless we want him waking siblings all night long.

[ktgrok]

Instead of him falling asleep in your bed with you, can you go to his bed with him and lay with him? That way he's always falling asleep in his bed, even if it is with you there. That might help, over time, to create his bed as he sleeping spot. 

[Elizabeth86]

That’s been the norm around here with all 4 of mine until 5 or 6. Every night, every kid. lol I just went with it, but I love bed sharing. I’ve always loved the family bed. 🤷‍♀️

[ktgrok]

Thinking on it more, i'd put a bigger bed in his room - a full or queen if it would fit, so you could sleep in his bed with him at night, when he wakes up. Just stumble in there with him and pass back out. That would limit it to one waking a night, since if he wakes again you are already with him. BUT establish his room as his place to sleep. Eventualy, he won't wake up so much. 

[Clarita]

Not sure if this would help at all for your child. My little girl is just a touch more clingy, but instead of allowing her to come to our bed in the middle of the night I got her a bigger bed and go to her room in the middle of the night. I didn't want to give her the shock of waking up in a different place than where she fell asleep to trigger her needing me again. Hard to say if it truly works since I had to go to her bed 4 times last night, but most nights are once or none. And she's always sleeping in her room 🤷‍♀️.

It was also easier to leave without waking her rather than put her back without waking her. 

[DawnM]

We will play around with some ideas and see what might work.  Def. getting rid of his loft bed for now though.   I don't think a larger bed would really work for his room (larger than twin) as we also need him to have a place to play in there right now and taking the loft bed will remove some of the added space.   But we can look at some of the other ideas.

[Farrar]

Just another vote to say that you're not alone and my kids didn't even have major trauma in the mix. One of mine got out of the "big bed" around that age but the other one persisted for several more years. We developed a routine where he started in his room and climbed in bed with me (dh was working nights back then) whenever he got up. And oh boy, he always got up. He had sleep issues for years. But the routine was useful because then I could have my own space and room and my evening without him in there. And it made it clear that he was the one making the decision and that his room was really his room.

I suspect that there's nothing you can do at this point except work out the best way to meet his need to be in there and also your need to not get kicked all night. But long term, we ended up having to have sleep therapy and I would highly suggest that for your future. But like, not yet.

[73349]

Sleep deprivation is hard. Lots of good suggestions in the thread.

I would just add that it might be helpful to you to phrase it, "[Mr. 4] is not yet able to sleep in his own bed." You want him to have the ability, he's not there yet, and you're working through coping strategies for everybody.

I hope you are able to have more restful nights soon.

[Storygirl]

18 minutes ago, DawnM said:

We will play around with some ideas and see what might work.  Def. getting rid of his loft bed for now though.   I don't think a larger bed would really work for his room (larger than twin) as we also need him to have a place to play in there right now and taking the loft bed will remove some of the added space.   But we can look at some of the other ideas.

Since you will be getting a new bed anyway, you might consider a Murphy bed that you could fold up to make play space. I don't know how safe they are for small children, but I thought I'd throw it out there as an idea.

Eventually, when he no longer needs it, it could be used for a guest room, and he could get a regular bed again. (You may not have a guest room now, but someday presumably at least some of your older kids will move out.)

[ktgrok]

Another option is a futon that folds down into a big enough space for both of you to fit. I mean, I can and do sometimes sleep still with my 5 yr old daughter in her twin, but it isn't super comfy to be that tight. So a futon that is full sized vs twin might help. Or even one that you keep on the floor, and fold up during the day. 

[Clarita]

25 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I don't think a larger bed would really work for his room (larger than twin) as we also need him to have a place to play in there right now and taking the loft bed will remove some of the added space.

The other thought could be getting a bed low enough that you can sit/lay beside it and he can still touch you while he's falling asleep. My little girl really needed that touch, so I couldn't do the slowly back away from her bed because her not touching me and me being out of the room were essentially the same thing to her. I only did touch less and less, eventually I'd tell her before she's actually asleep that I was leaving (a signal words like "Goodnight, see you tomorrow." Rather than "I'm leaving.")

[Carol in Cal.]

That’s the age when DD started having really bad nightmares and coming to our bed in the middle of the night.

We didn’t really mind that much.

She found that the more she talked about them the worse they got, so she clammed up.  Every once in a while she would ask me a random question, though, and I would infer what she had dreamt about.  I tried to get DH to stop watching so many nature shows with her for a while—the whole bloody in tooth and claw thing was coming back to her in the middle of the night sometimes.  I think it is worth look at inputs a bit with an eye toward reducing what needs to be processed in the middle of the night until kids are a bit older.

[DawnM]

30 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

Since you will be getting a new bed anyway, you might consider a Murphy bed that you could fold up to make play space. I don't know how safe they are for small children, but I thought I'd throw it out there as an idea.

Eventually, when he no longer needs it, it could be used for a guest room, and he could get a regular bed again. (You may not have a guest room now, but someday presumably at least some of your older kids will move out.)

 

22 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Another option is a futon that folds down into a big enough space for both of you to fit. I mean, I can and do sometimes sleep still with my 5 yr old daughter in her twin, but it isn't super comfy to be that tight. So a futon that is full sized vs twin might help. Or even one that you keep on the floor, and fold up during the day. 

I think you missed the part about us being given a FREE bed.  😅   Murphy beds are very expensive and I can't sleep on a futon, they are uncomfortable to me.

[DawnM]

22 minutes ago, Clarita said:

The other thought could be getting a bed low enough that you can sit/lay beside it and he can still touch you while he's falling asleep. My little girl really needed that touch, so I couldn't do the slowly back away from her bed because her not touching me and me being out of the room were essentially the same thing to her. I only did touch less and less, eventually I'd tell her before she's actually asleep that I was leaving (a signal words like "Goodnight, see you tomorrow." Rather than "I'm leaving.")

That is true.

I lay beside him and sing and say prayers and always have my hand on him until he falls asleep.   I realized that when I did this, he fell asleep faster.   I either hold his hand or just put my hand on his tummy or chest area and that seems to help.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

Thinking on it more, i'd put a bigger bed in his room - a full or queen if it would fit, so you could sleep in his bed with him at night, when he wakes up. Just stumble in there with him and pass back out. That would limit it to one waking a night, since if he wakes again you are already with him. BUT establish his room as his place to sleep. Eventualy, he won't wake up so much. 

This is a great idea. I always had a full size bed for ds. 

[Scarlett]

50 minutes ago, DawnM said:

That is true.

I lay beside him and sing and say prayers and always have my hand on him until he falls asleep.   I realized that when I did this, he fell asleep faster.   I either hold his hand or just put my hand on his tummy or chest area and that seems to help.

This is so sweet. I think the good news is he feels safe with you. 
 

But as a person who needs my sleep I really feel for you. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Scarlett

[prairiewindmomma]

Does he have a weighted blanket? I agree with the trauma aspect but am also wondering if he’s going through some sensory things also based on what you describe.

[matrips]

Can you sleep in his room for awhile to see if he’ll stay in his bed, in his room, while you’re there?  Move a mattress next to his bed and see if he can start being comfortable in his own room.

[athena1277]

Here’s a few more ideas that friends have used with kids that want to sleep with parents.  One friend bought a new, big dog bed to put on the floor by their bed.  Soft and plenty of space.  Another friend took the side off a crib and kept it next to their bed.  It’s kinda like a co-sleeper, but bigger.

[Starr]

Thinking about this more my dd also started with weird sleep stuff at 4-5 . She Would fight sleep, then sleep walk and all the fun stuff. You’ve got trauma, age, everyone needing sleep. It’s a lot! It will get better.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Does he have a weighted blanket? I agree with the trauma aspect but am also wondering if he’s going through some sensory things also based on what you describe.

Yes