If your teens don't want to go to church

[Storygirl]

If you are a church-going, religious couple, have you at some point allowed your teens to choose not to attend? Why or why not?

 

[Terabith]

Yes

[lauraw4321]

I have not crossed this bridge, but I absolutely would not force a teen to go to church. 
 

I believe great spiritual damage is done in forcing a person to engage in worship. I have to trust that God will carry out his will. 

[scholastica]

Nope. This is what we do. When they reach the age of majority they can make that decision. My parents let us not go and I lost my way for a few years before returning.
 

ETA: None of mine have expressed a desire to not go. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by scholastica

[Jean in Newcastle]

We asked our kids to go through high school. Obviously we didn’t require “outward shows of faith” as that was up to their own volition but we felt that respectfully sitting in a pew for an hour or two was reasonable. One of our adult children believes and attends church as an adult. One doesn’t. I don’t think that asking them to quietly sit in the service made a difference as to their choices. 

[Faith-manor]

We have acquaintances with two college -aged adult kids who live at home and commute to school, they have campus jobs and don't earn enough to pay for their car insurance and gas while also paying rent. But their parents told them that if they didn't pay rent then they have to attend church every Sunday and would need a doctor's note in order to miss church. Then they were shocked when the kids moved out, got roommates near campus, and increased their work hours which had hurt their grades some, but they are still doing okay. I really don't understand what is accompolished spiritually by requiring church attendance from people once they are that age.

We still were attending church while the kids were in high school, but never required it after the age of 14. It seemed to be quite a good way to alienate teens and hurt the relationship. 

[scholastica]

1 minute ago, Faith-manor said:

We have acquaintances with two college -aged adult kids who live at home and commute to school, they have campus jobs and don't earn enough to pay for their car insurance and gas while also paying rent. But their parents told them that if they didn't pay rent then they have to attend church every Sunday and would need a doctor's note in order to miss church. Then they were shocked when the kids moved out, got roommates near campus, and increased their work hours which had hurt their grades some, but they are still doing okay. I really don't understand what is accompolished spiritually by requiring church attendance from people once they are that age.

We still were attending church while the kids were in high school, but never required it after the age of 14. It seemed to be quite a good way to alienate teens and hurt the relationship. 

They are college aged, not minors. That makes no sense to require. They are legal adults. 

[maize]

You can't really make a teenager to do anything. You can try to apply pressure through artificial consequences or incentives...but that is an approach that can easily backfire.

I would not attempt to make a teenager go to church through shaming or any kind of harsh measures; that just creates negative associations with church. All you can really do is share your feelings about the importance of church and request that they attend if that is important to you. Positive incentives might be OK, you'd have to judge that on a case by case basis. Ultimately, the child will have to walk their own faith journey and we as parents have to let them do that.

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by maize

[maize]

As for my experience, one of mine currently does not attend. It's a complicated situation, this kid is struggling with serious mental health issues and doesn't actually leave the house for anything. I continue to invite them to come with us, but mostly just try to be loving and supportive of the child. 

[Elizabeth86]

Not there yet, BUT my mom always allowed me to choose and I appreciate that. I’ve seen the church kids that were forced to be there every time the doors were open and it often wasn’t a good outcome. 

[maize]

15 minutes ago, scholastica said:

They are college aged, not minors. That makes no sense to require. They are legal adults. 

Parents can certainly establish rules for legal adults residing in their house.

They just have to be prepared for the adult child to make the reasonable decision to reside elsewhere if they don't want to comply with the rules.

Edited September 4, 2022 by maize

[Jean in Newcastle]

I want to add that while it was apparent even in high school that one was interested and one not, neither specifically asked not to go. If they did, we would have discussed why. Both my kids did choose to stop attending children’s classes and joined the adults. So they had some choices as to what format might be more comfortable or perhaps interesting. 
 

I don’t know if this is spiritually valid, but we often went from church to family activities. Having someone stay home would have impacted family time so while we couldn’t or wouldn’t try to “make them believe “ they did know that Sunday was also family time. 

[HomeAgain]

You can't force relationships.

I left the Church when I was 17.  I was at the age of reason and my questions were not answered.  I didn't have the maturity for the rituals without unerring faith, and I quit.  While I've become more.......spiritual in adulthood, it has been a conscious choice with the ability to wrestle with hard concepts and the fallibility of religion.  Conversely, my sister left at the same age without completing sacraments, jumped around religions for a while, before going back to the faith we grew up in.

Every young adult needs to decide their current spiritual needs AND have the flexibility to meet changing needs in the future without judgement.  You can't force a static relationship with God, or static needs, and forcing young adults to participate in a ritual they don't agree with is going to push them away from both you and faith.  It's not worth it.  Aesop has a fable for this - the sun and the wind.  Be gentle, be kind, be encouraging.  Don't force.

[Meriwether]

We go to church as a family and will continue to do so until kids are grown. 

[gardenmom5]

Btdt.  I respected his choice, and kept my hand outstretched.  Invited him for family prayers, any church activity, etc.  If he said "no" - I respected it.  I would then invite him the next time.

Eventually he chose to come back because he wanted to and attends church because he wants to.  He no longer lives at home.

eta: I just wanted to add, his reasons weren't about such trivial things as "wanting to sleep in".  that wouldn't have garnered much support from me.

Edited September 4, 2022 by gardenmom5

[Frances]

My brother and his wife had a rule that their kids had to go until age 18 and they also had to be confirmed. When they were teens, one did not agree or believe in their faith and immediately stopped attending at age 18. The other was more on board, but has now left Catholicism and occasionally attends a different church. I would say that in the case of the one who doesn’t attend church at all that it caused a great deal of resentment and conflict. She fundamentally disagreed with some of the teachings of the church, it wasn’t that she just wanted to sleep in or do something different on Sunday morning. Personally, the idea of requiring confirmation seems wrong on so many levels, but it was quite common when I was growing up in a very Catholic area.

Growing up, as far as I know none of us asked not to go to church. But I did resent my parents forcing me to go to confession and also occasionally forcing us to say the rosary together as a family. It never felt like a positive or spiritual thing and I have pretty negative memories related to it.
 

I think my mom’s approach with her grandchildren was far better. Before they were teens, if staying with her they went to church because she wasn’t going to leave them home alone. But as teens, they were invited to attend with her, but were not forced. For the most part, even those who didn’t believe continued to attend with her.

Edited September 4, 2022 by Frances

[Faith-manor]

46 minutes ago, scholastica said:

They are college aged, not minors. That makes no sense to require. They are legal adults. 

Agreed. They have a household rule, "under my roof, go to church", and that includes visitors so as a result, none of their out of town relatives visit them. It is a very fundamentalist view here. Lots of families have that rule. I certainly think it is damaging to relationships.

[marbel]

This didn't really come up with my kids, other than wanting an occasional Sunday "off" for no particular reason - which we agreed to. If they had wanted to stop completely, we would have had a long talk about their reasons. In general I agree with those who said it is a family activity in which kids would participate till they are grown.

When I was in my early teens, I wanted to leave the church (Roman Catholic at that time). My mother begged me to go through confirmation first. So I did. And then I kept going till I moved out at 21. Then I drifted for a long time, and finally ended up Presbyterian. My mother asking me to continue to go to church with her may or may not have affected my overall relationship with God/church, but it certainly did not affect my relationship with her in a negative way at all.  I've know of others with similar backgrounds. 

My kids are adults and they don't attend church currently. But their father and I don't either, and it has nothing to do with rebellion against "church", but related to covid and some disillusionment with a few congregations. We are finding our way back though, and based on conversations we have with our kids, expect they will too. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by marbel

[freesia]

For me it depends on age. I have insisted you get teens who are making the transition from “it’s all about me and I will  go if it’s fun for me to what gifts do I have and it’s really all about God” to go. Their reasons for not going are usually more about wanting to sleep or wanting entertainment. After that hump our kids have always wanted to go. I stop waking them up for church by 18. The expectation before then is that they go but we would be open to a later teen’s reasons for stopping going. Definitely I’d never require it if an 18 year old on up. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by freesia

[Laura Corin]

My husband was forced to go to church until he was 16. He is much more anti-religion than I. I was raised as an atheist. 

[Scarlett]

To me, for me, religious education is part of the entire package of raising a child. Attendance on its own  is not worship… I do agree no one can be forced to worship.  But requiring a teen to attend with family is no different than requiring they keep their room decent and help with other household tasks.
 

Never underestimate a teen or young adult’s ability to feel resentment no matter how hard you try to be a good parent.  

[Frances]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

To me, for me, religious education is part of the entire package of raising a child. Attendance on its own  is not worship… I do agree no one can be forced to worship.  But requiring a teen to attend with family is no different than requiring they keep their room decent and help with other household tasks.
 

Never underestimate a teen or young adult’s ability to feel resentment no matter how hard you try to be a good parent.  

I have to disagree that requiring church attendance is no different than requiring chores. Some teens fundamentally disagree with the teachings and actions of their parent’s church and feel that their attendance is supporting something they don’t believe in. Would you like to be forced to attend a public, weekly rally or meeting where it is assumed that you are a fellow believer? 

[prairiewindmomma]

1. One shouldn’t conflate church attendance with having an inward spiritual relationship with God.
2. You can compel the body but not the heart and mind…and if you are compelling a kid to attend I can’t imagine that that will end well. We attended a church where many parents forced attendance; the teens largely learned to not share their true feelings with their parents and that resulted in kids who grew into adults who either: a. Left the church and the family or b. are hypocrites—go through the motions but have behaviors incompatible with church teachings but fake it to fit in socially. Neither of those outcomes meet the parents’ stated goal of true belief.

[Drama Llama]

DH is definitely the more observant parent in our family, and before we split up he and I agreed that we'd have the kids go through the end of confirmation class (spring 8th grade, so not quite 14), but leave the choice of whether to be confirmed, and whether to go after confirmation up to the kid.  So far, the one kid we have who got to that point did choose to be confirmed, and does continue to attend.  Church is during DH's parenting time and whether DH would allow him to stop attending if he asked, I don't know.  I'm pretty sure he hasn't asked.

However, I also have a tween in my life who has come out as LGBT, and has chosen to stop attending because they feel rejected by their parish. To me, if my kid was articulating a reason like that, rather than asking to sleep in, or telling me church was boring, I'd push DH to let them stop earlier.  

[Scarlett]

44 minutes ago, Frances said:

I have to disagree that requiring church attendance is no different than requiring chores. Some teens fundamentally disagree with the teachings and actions of their parent’s church and feel that their attendance is supporting something they don’t believe in. Would you like to be forced to attend a public, weekly rally or meeting where it is assumed that you are a fellow believer? 

I can assure you that our kids have fundamentally disagreed with the amount of or kind of chores they were required to do. 
ha ha. Sort of kidding.

and as a religious person in a non-main stream faith, yes I’ve had to be present for many things in my public school days that I did not believe in or agree with. I was free to express that disagreement if it was an appropriate time and if anybody was interested.

And finally teens are still under the care of their parents. They can easily disagree with what they are being taught while still needing to listen to what their parents feel is best.

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

My kids are adults and they don't attend church currently. But their father and I don't either, and it has nothing to do with rebellion against "church", but related to covid and some disillusionment with a few congregations. We are finding our way back though, and based on conversations we have with our kids, expect they will too. 

I feel this. Covid revealed so many layers of ugly. We just tried a new church this AM (we had tried another one last summer, but we weren't ready, it was too different for us, and numbers went back up).

I would probably consider the reasoning, etc. on a case by case basis. I wouldn't want my child to have to go somewhere they feel rejected or traumatized; any member of my family feeling bad for legit reasons at a specific church would be a red flag for me to move (by legit reason, I mean that my kid is not being antagonistic or something at an age to know better). We felt that way during Covid (and off and on over the last few years), and it's not the first church where this happened, and then we changed. 

[scholastica]

52 minutes ago, Frances said:

I have to disagree that requiring church attendance is no different than requiring chores. Some teens fundamentally disagree with the teachings and actions of their parent’s church and feel that their attendance is supporting something they don’t believe in. Would you like to be forced to attend a public, weekly rally or meeting where it is assumed that you are a fellow believer? 

Maybe not like chores, but maybe like school attendance. We require our kids to finish high school, even though they are legally allowed to quit at 16 in our state. To be honest, we expect and pay for them to get education beyond high school. None of them has moved out after high school to support themselves. 

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, Storygirl said:

If you are a church-going, religious couple, have you at some point allowed your teens to choose not to attend? Why or why not?

 

No. There’s a few things we do together because they are family events.

We eat meals together.
We live in the same home together.
We go to Sunday mass together.

There are some things we do to maintain connection in family and extended family community.  We don’t have to agree on everything to do them. We don’t have to feel the warm fuzzies to do them. But they are important to maintaining community and family.

I would never make them go to confession or receive sacraments but there’s value to attending mass even to those who struggle to have faith or have become unbelievers. 

[Ditto]

I have never forced my teens to attend church.   In my humble opinion nothing is to be gained by forcing someone to attend who doesn't want to and could in fact turn them off church for life.    

[Ditto]

2 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

I believe great spiritual damage is done in forcing a person to engage in worship.

This is what I believe as well.

[Hilltopmom]

1 hour ago, Meriwether said:

We go to church as a family and will continue to do so until kids are grown. 

Or else.. what? If they don’t want to go anymore?

[Frances]

14 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Maybe not like chores, but maybe like school attendance. We require our kids to finish high school, even though they are legally allowed to quit at 16 in our state. To be honest, we expect and pay for them to get education beyond high school. None of them has moved out after high school to support themselves. 

I can see this analogy more than chores, which seems like a ridiculous comparison. But based on the experience of many people I know, it often doesn’t end well and most commonly results in the person permanently leaving religion behind when they are an adult. While I certainly know families where teens have fought against education requirements, I don’t know any where later in life the person still resents their parents “forcing” them to be educated and regrets finishing high school. In fact, in every case I know of they are thankful their parents made them complete high school or get a GED.
 

On the other hand, I know many cases where it didn’t end well when young adults were forced into post high school education paths that were not freely chosen. Lots of wasted money and time and stress, angst, and resentment on both sides.

 

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Frances said:

My brother and his wife had a rule that their kids had to go until age 18 and they also had to be confirmed.

I think it is a huge disservice to the next generation when they don’t receive the sacraments in the restored order. They need every grace they can get before puberty imnsho. 

[Frances]

Just now, Murphy101 said:

I think it is a huge disservice to the next generation when they don’t receive the sacraments in the restored order. They need every grace they can get before puberty imnsho. 

Since I’m not Catholic anymore, I don’t know what this means.

[Murphy101]

1 minute ago, Frances said:

Since I’m not Catholic anymore, I don’t know what this means.

Ideally the proper order of the sacraments is baptism at birth and either confirmation at that time or at age 7 they have first penance, first Eucharist, and confirmation.

For some stupid reason it became popular to withhold confirmation until 16 in many US parishes in the 60s/70s.

From the Catholic POV once a baptized Catholic, eternally a Catholic.🙂

[Frances]

7 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Ideally the proper order of the sacraments is baptism at birth and either confirmation at that time or at age 7 they have first penance, first Eucharist, and confirmation.

For some stupid reason it became popular to withhold confirmation until 16 in many US parishes in the 60s/70s.

From the Catholic POV once a baptized Catholic, eternally a Catholic.🙂

I know you may believe I’m still a Catholic, but I don’t, and that’s what is important. Since I had no say in whether or not I was baptized it seems ridiculous for anyone to claim I’m still Catholic. You chose it as an adult, so it makes sense for you. I chose to leave it as an adult and even joined another church for quite awhile.

I went and read about the restored order, as it was the first I heard of it. It seems like there is fundamental disagreement even on the meaning of confirmation within the church. Certainly the way I was prepared for confirmation as a teen and how the meaning was explained to me could never be done with a child and would not apply to a child. I guess it’s not surprising to see so much confusion and disagreement since in the end, it’s just men interpreting things.

[marbel]

After reading all the responses, thinking about people I've known and their experiences, and talking it over with my husband, who, FWIW, is a former pastor which doesn't really mean much except that he's talked to a lot of people about this topic... it seems that:

Some people who are "forced" to continue doing to church until adulthood will leave the church altogether when they can, and never go back; some will leave for a while and then go back, or come to believe in a different faith.

Some people who express the desire to stop going to church in their teens, and are allowed to do so, will leave the church altogether and never go back;  some will leave for a while and then go back, or come to believe in a different faith.

I don't see any other possibilities, does anyone see one I've missed? 

There's no way to predict what will happen to a teen no matter what the parents do. It's like it's  ultimately up to God. 

Edited September 5, 2022 by marbel

[Scarlett]

20 hours ago, Frances said:

I can see this analogy more than chores, which seems like a ridiculous comparison. 

 

😕 Ok then.

One thing to bear in mind, not all teens who want to quit attending  have some deep and serious objection. Some just don’t want to get out of bed. Some want to stay home and play video games. If they have some objection to what is being taught in their religion, that is a conversation they should be having with their parents. 
 

Many parents, myself included, consider  the responsibility of raising our children to include teaching the things that are of value to us/me and We/I  believe to be correct and right. When they are adults they are free to choose other paths.

 

Edited September 5, 2022 by Scarlett

[kbutton]

The more I am thinking about it, the more I am also considering what it would take to make a teen go that doesn't want to go, and what that level of persuasion/carrot-stick would do to our relationship. It's also hard if a kid is the unreasonable sort no matter what parenting issue comes up.

I think I would also factor in what the other kids are likely to do or so--if letting one not go would cause mutiny in the ranks, I would have to seriously consider that.

[Terabith]

Up at the top, I just commented on yes, we let our kids decide, around the time we start letting them stay home alone for extended periods of time in general.  Now, I often BRIBED them to go to church...when we were having pre-pandemic evening service, the deal was "come with us to church; we're going out for dinner afterwards."  That doesn't work anymore since our church switched to outdoor morning service now, and ain't none of us going out to eat on Sunday at lunch time.  

The reason we don't mandate church during adolescence is because we don't really mandate much of ANYTHING during adolescence.  We kinda switch to a good roommates, much more egalitarian relationship around age 12 or so.  I can't MAKE anyone post puberty really do anything.  I can impose rewards or punishments, but it's just not the kind of relationship I want to have.  Prior to about age 12, we had them in church pretty much every time the doors were open.  They did Sunday School and worship service and acolyted and sang in the children's choir.  They went to multiple Vacation Bible Schools every summer, Catholic school once they started school through sixth and 8th grades, did Catechesis of the Good Shepherd for two hours on Wednesdays at the local Catholic parish for nine years.  (We're Episcopalian.).  I read them Bible stories and we prayed before meals and listened to Christian music and hymns at various times in the car.  They know the Bible, creeds, history of the church, and liturgy backwards and forwards and better than many a seminarian.  They were extremely well catechized.  

My youngest kid was pretty much an agnostic from toddlerhood on.  She might make her way back to church some day.  She doesn't CARE and isn't really spiritual, but she recognizes that church is a good source of community and support and she enjoys the music.  

My oldest loved Jesus and the church passionately from toddlerhood on, but despite going to very accepting churches, my oldest is pretty angry at the role of the white church in <waves hands vaguely in the direction of everything> you know, all of this, and feels that white Christian nationalism is a huge issue, and despite the Episcopal church not being a great example of it, they feel that we're kind of guilty by association, and oldest is angry and hurt and feels like the church has betrayed Jesus.  Honestly, I'm not sure they're coming back.  

[Murphy101]

8 minutes ago, Frances said:

I know you may believe I’m still a Catholic, but I don’t, and that’s what is important. Since I had no say in whether or not I was baptized it seems ridiculous for anyone to claim I’m still Catholic. You chose it as an adult, so it makes sense for you. I chose to leave it as an adult and even joined another church for quite awhile.

I went and read about the restored order, as it was the first I heard of it. It seems like there is fundamental disagreement even on the meaning of confirmation within the church. Certainly the way I was prepared for confirmation as a teen and how the meaning was explained to me could never be done with a child and would not apply to a child. I guess it’s not surprising to see so much confusion and disagreement since in the end, it’s just men interpreting things.

And that’s a huge problem with confirmation as teens. It distorted what confirmation even is. Confirmation is NOT when a teen decides to be Catholic, that was decided before birth for most.

My children didn’t get to choose their father and mother either. In fact. No one gets to decide the majority of their family and cultural connections bc the majority of those things are made and developed before they are even born.

But I don’t want to argue with you about your faith or lack of it.

I was simply explaining my perspective on having children attend church with us.

[kbutton]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

white Christian nationalism is a huge issue

Since you brought it up, that's where I am at. It's baked in here to some degree or another. Many excuse it, and I can't figure out if they just really can't come to terms with their own brand of Christianity being so boldly taken over, or if they see themselves as part of it, but define it so much more benignly that they can't acknowledge it's not benign for others (there are strains of patriotic folk who use similar terminology and really do mean something different). 

If I can't bring myself to unequivocally fellowship any longer with people who are okay with having their kids wave certain kinds of flags (not the US flag even) as they arrive at church camp while the act is advertised on social media and applauded by those in charge/watching in the pews, I have a hard time saying that I could force my kids to go if they feel their conscience is being similarly tread upon. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do want  to say that while we asked (told?) our kids that we wanted them to attend until the entire of high school, that wasn’t cast in stone. I have general principles but if I saw that it was making a child bitter then we would have readjusted. As I mentioned earlier, a request to stop attending would have triggered a discussion (which we never had) and I couldn’t predict exactly how that discussion would go. I would certainly do a lot of listening. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Jean in Newcastle
Typo

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Since you brought it up, that's where I am at. It's baked in here to some degree or another. Many excuse it, and I can't figure out if they just really can't come to terms with their own brand of Christianity being so boldly taken over, or if they see themselves as part of it, but define it so much more benignly that they can't acknowledge it's not benign for others (there are strains of patriotic folk who use similar terminology and really do mean something different). 

If I can't bring myself to unequivocally fellowship any longer with people who are okay with having their kids wave certain kinds of flags (not the US flag even) as they arrive at church camp while the act is advertised on social media and applauded by those in charge/watching in the pews, I have a hard time saying that I could force my kids to go if they feel their conscience is being similarly tread upon. 

Indeed.  It's absolutely a huge issue.  And yes, there's also an element of not wanting to get up, too, but that doesn't mean the philosophical objections aren't real and legitimate.  Honestly, if I was a Gen Zer, I'm not sure I would want anything to do with the church at this juncture either.  

[73349]

I believe that freedom of religion reasonably extends to teens. Once they have had a reasonable background in the teachings and practices of their family's faith, I'm in favor of them letting make their own choices about worship, prayer, etc. I would want my teen to pursue something else that's either restful or meaningful in that time instead.

Edited September 4, 2022 by 73349

[Murphy101]

Just now, Jean in Newcastle said:

I do walk to say that while we asked (told?) our kids that we wanted them to attend until the entire of high school, that wasn’t cast in stone. I have general principles but if I saw that it was making a child bitter then we would have readjusted. As I mentioned earlier, a request to stop attending would have triggered a discussion (which we never had) and I couldn’t predict exactly how that discussion would go. I would certainly do a lot of listening. 

Yes. This. If they didn’t want to attend mass with us even though I’m not making anyone go to confession or receive Eucharist - they need to express why that is so we can discuss and resolve it if at all possible. 

[Frances]

23 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Many parents, myself included, consider  the responsibility of raising our children to include teaching the things that are of value to us/me and We/I  believe to be correct and right. When they are adults they are free to choose other paths.

 

Yes, I’m familiar with authoritarian parenting.

[Harriet Vane]

I see this as having three aspects:

--Motivation: If the teen simply prefers sleeping in (playing video games, reading, etc.) and has no serious philosophical issues, then that's not a valid reason to skip. Why? Because what a person believes about God is a central, driving life question and deserves attention. Silliness like sleeping or video games is not a good reason not to give time to this central, core relationship.

--Social: If the teen does not feel socially connected at church, then church feels awful. It just does. If this is the issue, then support the teen's autonomy to engage in a church where they feel they can have friends. I have done this path with my children and never regretted it. (My dd chose a church setting apart from the family that was a good fit for her for a time. My son did stay with the family, BUT my dh and I chose to switch and attend a church where ds had friends rather than trying to require him to build friendships in the place dh and I were. It all happened the way it did in the first few years after an interstate move.) When I was a teen, I was denied this path and I hated going to a church where I felt unwanted, unfriended.

--Philosophical: If the teen feels strongly that they cannot attend church because their beliefs do not match the parents' church, then I would see this as a process of supportive searching together. As such, the talking, reading, visiting other places, and talking, and talking, will take whatever path seems to work. I would not force church attendance, and I would focus on maintaining a loving and supportive relationship. The most important is to validate the thoughts and feelings and to try, as much as possible, to learn together and to keep talking. To continue emphasizing over and over that we as parents love our child, wherever they may choose to search.

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, Frances said:

Yes, I’m familiar with authoritarian parenting.

Currently that is a term that is considered negative parenting so maybe you meant to be rude or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It also does not describe the way I parented.

I assume you have taught your child what you believe to be right. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Scarlett

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

--Motivation: Because what a person believes about God is a central, driving life question and deserves attention. Silliness like sleeping or video games is not a good reason not to give time to this central, core relationship.

So, I really WANT to agree with you about this, but I'm just not sure I do.  

I think what a person believes about God absolutely can be a central, driving life question.  But I'm not sure it always is.  Most of our friends aren't church goers.  Some of them have NEVER been church goers.  My kids have friends that are three generations out from church attendance.  They know absolutely nothing about God or the church and they simply don't care.  It's just not a relevant thing to them.  

I think, for the moment, that for most of the United States, what you believe about God is still a core part of your identity, but I think for huge sections of the population, it really is not.