If your teens don't want to go to church

[J-rap]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The assumption that requiring teens to attend worship services is proof of authoritarian parenting is offensive. There was not one post that said, ‘yes we require that.  Our way or the highway, no discussion!!!’  
 

All of us surely require something of our children and teens. Requiring something you (general you) do not require (often because you do not believe/attend yourself) does not equal authoritarian parenting.

 

I think age and level of maturity matters.  If it were my 10-year-old saying they didn't want to go to church anymore, I would have said, well, this is what we've chosen to do as a family and this is why, and we'd talk about it but still require it.  And if it's a lazy 16-year-old who really just wants to stay home and watch TV, we'd also talk about it but we'd require a thoughtful reason before changing our minds.  But if it's a 15-year-old who has questions and has actually thought it through, I'd be open to discussion and maybe even changing how we practiced our faith for awhile.  Teaching about faith and the love of God doesn't have to take place in a church building.  

But obviously it depends on a lot of things.  My own children were very cerebral and thought about the meaning of life when they were 12 and were traveling the world on their own by 17, so I may be seeing things from a different perspective.

[Farrar]

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I was a teen required to go to church (and be confirmed, which still seems insane to me. Lie? In church??? Mom also wanted me to lie and baptize my kids. I didn’t. I think that’s disrespectful. )
Church itself didn’t bother me much. 8am service 20+ minutes away did. 

Dh's parents joined the church FOR the kids. They taught Sunday school. They forced them to go every week, got them baptized, confirmed, etc. Sent them to Catholic high school. The moment the kids were out of the house, they dropped back out of church. They were never believers. It was just "what you do." I grew up with a very different approach to religion and I'm just absolutely flummoxed by this story. It's baffling. Sil is not religious AT ALL now. Dh is super spiritual and even went to Div school, but not Christian. The whole thing didn't "work."

[Frances]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The assumption that requiring teens to attend worship services is proof of authoritarian parenting is offensive. There was not one post that said, ‘yes we require that.  Our way or the highway, no discussion!!!’  
 

All of us surely require something of our children and teens. Requiring something you (general you) do not require (often because you do not believe/attend yourself) does not equal authoritarian parenting.

 

I’m sorry if my comment offended you. However, there were people who stated that they attend as a family and children will until gone or that it is required, just like …

Now some, in subsequent posts, some did say they would discuss it with their children if they didn’t want to go. Some seemed open to alternatives if the reasons were valid and not just wanting to say play video games, others did not. While obviously being willing to discuss it rather than just require it is better, if there is no willingness to do anything different, then basically it is required regardless of the teens beliefs or feelings.

I don’t disagree that most parents require things of their children and teens. But personally I see religion and faith, something so personal, as distinctly different from virtually all other things parents require, especially when it comes to older teens. Just on this thread alone, numerous people have shared how such requirements turned themself, their spouse, or others they know away from religion.

[Ditto]

Wrong thread! Oops.

Edited September 5, 2022 by Ditto

[Lady Marmalade]

We made it a non-event and allowed both kids to determine their own attendance around when they turned 16, but it wasn't a hard and fast cutoff or anything.  I just dropped DD off for her senior year at college and she still attends church with us when she's home.  

When DS was 16 he asked to go to church with his girlfriend at the time.   When they broke up he started going to a different church pretty much every week because he was making the rounds with all his friends and their churches.  I found it very sweet and encouraged it.   He doesn't go to church now, but he's living on his own so he's going to do whatever he wants anyway. 

 

[Momto6inIN]

We go as a family and that's the expectation. We have never framed it as we "have" to go to church; we frame it (and truly believe and feel) that we "get" to go to church. It's a privilege and a joy! I don't know for sure if that attitude is caught/taught or not, but so far we haven't had any teens request not to go. They all enjoy church so far and have expressed a desire on their own power to become a full member of the congregation at various ages.

I'm not sure what we would do if one of our teens didn't want to go. I've seen parents insist on church attendance and have it blow up in their faces, and I've seen parents give in on church attendance and have it blow up in their faces. It seems to me that a kid who wants to rebel and reject their parents' religious teachings is going to do it regardless. I should know, I was one 😉 

[chiguirre]

22 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

We are Catholic. Not hugely devout, but we both come from Irish Catholic families where hugely devout isn’t really required.  My mom turned her back on the church and didn’t have me baptized,  figuring I could choose as an adult.  I resent this.  (It’s a hassle to be baptized as an adult!) So my big priorities before we had kids was 1) baptize them, 2) continue the tradition of Catholic school 3) First Communion.  Give them a faith tradition, which they could choose to follow in adulthood or not, but don’t make them start from scratch as adults. Well, turns out I’m raising an born atheist who doesn’t much appreciate my efforts.  We got through First Communion.  (Never underestimate the power of a veil and a fancy dress!).  It would be great if we could make it through confirmation, but I’m not holding my breath.  I actually think this kid might do better with church as a grown-up.  Her literalist bent doesn’t work well with the little-kid theology she gets at school.  I’d love to find her a High Church service with amazing music, rather than the suburban Catholic school parish we attend now.  But no, I’m not going to mandate anything, she’d bolt and never look back. 

I'm from a family like @Lawyer&Momin which it is a big, big deal to perform the outward ceremonies of Catholicism. (Actual faith levels vary from Opus Dei down to just nope.) It would have been a traumatic for my parents and in-laws if we had not followed those traditions. So, we did. That's how I, an atheist since I was 12, ended up sitting through mass with my kids. 

What I found very helpful was putting them in children's choir. That took a lot of the pressure off of me to model religious behavior. I just had to sit, stand and kneel at the appropriate times and they were with their fellow choristers and choir director who actually did believe (or were more willing to fake it.)

Fast forward to the part that might actually be of practical use to @Storygirl's dilemma. Dd joined the adult choir when she was 14 and I continued to attend every mass and vesper service because she was singing. I was not the only unbeliever in the unofficial Choir Friends and Family section. There were several of us who never went to communion but showed up every week because our person was performing. So, OP, a way to avoid the religious/philosophical argument is to have one of you join the choir or be a lector or just be an usher so that your family members have to attend to cheer you on.

For the record, dd's choir was really good especially for a bunch of volunteers. The director was a PhD candidate at Rice's music school and ran a tight ship. Dd got a lot out of working with lots of older adults as an equal. It was well worth getting up early on Sunday morning and sitting through an hour of church for me to give her that support.

Edited September 5, 2022 by chiguirre

[plansrme]

We are of the "as long as you live under my roof" persuasion, meaning that, barring a good reason, we go to church Sunday mornings. Bible study or weeknight events are entirely optional and always have been. We have had two international students living with us (still have 1) for the last couple of years, and the expectation was always that they would go to church with us also. My son changed denominations his senior year of high school, and that was a complete non-issue. We went with him a few times, but he mostly went by himself. He still attends church near his college campus. One of my daughters attended off and on while in college but is now attending regularly. One does not, so I am 2/3 in continuing church attendance. We never had a kid make a stink about not wanting to go. Even my international kids attend willingly, and they did not in their home countries.

[knitgrl]

On 9/4/2022 at 9:38 PM, Lawyer&Mom said:

We are Catholic. Not hugely devout, but we both come from Irish Catholic families where hugely devout isn’t really required.  My mom turned her back on the church and didn’t have me baptized,  figuring I could choose as an adult.  I resent this.  (It’s a hassle to be baptized as an adult!) So my big priorities before we had kids was 1) baptize them, 2) continue the tradition of Catholic school 3) First Communion.  Give them a faith tradition, which they could choose to follow in adulthood or not, but don’t make them start from scratch as adults. Well, turns out I’m raising an born atheist who doesn’t much appreciate my efforts.  We got through First Communion.  (Never underestimate the power of a veil and a fancy dress!).  It would be great if we could make it through confirmation, but I’m not holding my breath.  I actually think this kid might do better with church as a grown-up.  Her literalist bent doesn’t work well with the little-kid theology she gets at school.  I’d love to find her a High Church service with amazing music, rather than the suburban Catholic school parish we attend now.  But no, I’m not going to mandate anything, she’d bolt and never look back. 

Amen to this! Being raised as a UU, I never had the benefit of having any sort of language to speak about spiritual things. I flailed about for so many years because there were so many things I didn't understand, and had no words for.

We do not harp on our 23yo for not attending church, but he knows it is important to us and is a part of our lives, day in and day out. Actually, when he came home a few weeks ago, our dd7 wagged her finger at him and told him he should go. (I swear I did not put her up to it!)

[alisoncooks]

On 9/5/2022 at 7:25 PM, Momto6inIN said:

We go as a family and that's the expectation. We have never framed it as we "have" to go to church; we frame it (and truly believe and feel) that we "get" to go to church. It's a privilege and a joy! I don't know for sure if that attitude is caught/taught or not, but so far we haven't had any teens request not to go. They all enjoy church so far and have expressed a desire on their own power to become a full member of the congregation at various ages.

I'm not sure what we would do if one of our teens didn't want to go. I've seen parents insist on church attendance and have it blow up in their faces, and I've seen parents give in on church attendance and have it blow up in their faces. It seems to me that a kid who wants to rebel and reject their parents' religious teachings is going to do it regardless. I should know, I was one 😉 

This is where we fall. Our kids’ main friend group is at church, so they’re happy to go to socialize, if nothing else.