Is this condescending?

[DawnM]

I know I am a little punchy right now, but I am so irritated.

Said person sent my son (4 year old) a gift of some 2nd hand books.   Whatever, I don't really care except that they smell like old books and my asthma is horrible right now with Covid on top of it.

Her: "Which book did he like best?   Second?  What did he like about them?"

Me (in my head) Lady, we received the books 2 days ago!   Back off!   

Me (to her) We haven't had time to read through them all yet.

Her:   Oh, I guess when my kids were little, I would read to them every night and it calmed them down, I would have thought you would have done that too.

Me:   Ok.   So are you telling me what I should do with my child and that I should have read all of the books in the last 2 days?

Her:   No, I am sorry you didn't understand what I was saying.

Me: (again in my head).  Lady, I have 3 grown children who have turned out great, have NOT been in and out of jail, have NOT done illicit drugs, have NOT beat up their girlfriends, and did I mention they have had no stints in jail?

Me: (actual me) didn't respond and blocked her for a while.

Am I being overly sensitive?   

[almondbutterandjelly]

Gently, yes. ((Hugs)) I think she was just excited about the books. Your answer (that you spoke initially ) was fine.  I wouldn’t have added that last bit.

Edited July 10, 2022 by perky

[Grace Hopper]

She is being rude. 
 

You are being a little reactive (sorry, honest opinion), but I think that 1, it’s completely understandable with what you’re currently dealing with, and 2, yes she was rude and pushy and had unrealistic expectations no matter what else you have going on at the moment. 
 

My kids had favorites for bedtime when really young and it could take a while to work a new book into the rotation. 
 

 

[catz]

You are being a little touchy and she is being a little over excited and then snarky.  I think it would have been appropriate to remind her what is going on in your home this week WRT to your dad.  That would be crabby stress making for everyone and throw off a routine.  

[Catwoman]

I would have been annoyed, too.

It’s like competitive Mommy Wars and I never played those games with people. 

Also, I’m getting the impression that Mrs Perfect Mom has kids who do drugs, have been in and out of jail, and who beat up their girlfriends… so yeah. Not a lot of patience for her judging you because you didn’t meet up to her exacting personal standards for read-alouds.

[Arcadia]

23 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

Her: "Which book did he like best?   Second?  What did he like about them?"

Those questions sound like DS17’s public school kindergarten weekly book review homework.  You are more tolerant than me. I would have answered “we have been busy” and discontinued the conversation.

[Farrar]

I vote a little of both. At least in my POV, she overstepped a bit, but you were also a little touchy about it. I think it's fine to snooze her for a bit if you need to. It's all good.

Edited July 10, 2022 by Farrar

[Katy]

Definitely condescending. I’d be annoyed, and moreso if she knows about the situation with your dad. If not I’d debate about telling her so she’d back off or whether it was none of her business. I’m sorry someone else feels the need to be judgmental right now. You have enough on your plate. 

[Catwoman]

21 minutes ago, Katy said:

Definitely condescending. I’d be annoyed, and moreso if she knows about the situation with your dad. If not I’d debate about telling her so she’d back off or whether it was none of her business. I’m sorry someone else feels the need to be judgmental right now. You have enough on your plate. 

I agree — and even if she doesn’t know the situation about Dawn’s dad, it was incredibly tacky of that woman to send a gift and then criticize Dawn for not reading the books to her son quickly enough.

And the little quiz about which book Dawn’s son liked best… and second best… and what did he like about them?! Ugh! I’m surprised she didn’t assign written book reports! 

[Frances]

5 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I agree — and even if she doesn’t know the situation about Dawn’s dad, it was incredibly tacky of that woman to send a gift and then criticize Dawn for not reading the books to her son quickly enough.

And the little quiz about which book Dawn’s son liked best… and second best… and what did he like about them?! Ugh! I’m surprised she didn’t assign written book reports! 

This. And just because she hasn’t already read all of the books to her son, it doesn’t mean she hasn’t been reading any other books to her son.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Frances said:

This. And just because she hasn’t already read all of the books to her son, it doesn’t mean she hasn’t been reading any other books to her son.

Yes! And who died and made this woman the Read-aloud Police??? 

[Lecka]

I have had this and it just depends on who is doing it.  Some people I don’t mind.  Some people I do mind.

If you mind — I assume it’s for good reason.  At the least to not deal with right now and try again in the future, like others have said.

Or next time just say you don’t need any more books right now.  You don’t have to accept stuff you don’t want.  

[Scarlett]

I vote she was pushy and rude and also you are understandably raw right now. 
 

Also I don’t like smelly books.  

[gardenmom5]

Bless her heart.

Were these out of print books?  Or something else special about them?

I've read something about how to get rid of the smell.   Don't remember what it was.   I have a 1950s unabridged Webster's I need to try it on.

I understand the irritation.   My grandmother gave my kids Christmas money to my sister to purchase presents for them.  One of the few things she gave them was a book with an I inscription inside the front cover.   From our brother to her oldest daughter. 

[KungFuPanda]

This conversation has big relative-with-bad-history energy. Her comment was comically catty. What on earth was she hoping to achieve?

[happi duck]

Imo, it was someone trying to connect and make conversation.  Maybe not perfectly but still.

[HS Mom in NC]

She was obnoxious when she said, "Oh, I guess when my kids were little, I would read to them every night and it calmed them down, I would have thought you would have done that too. "  No one should have a reading schedule in mind for a recipient when gifting books and they shouldn't ask about rank ordering them either.  I gift books for littles often.  I have never once asked anyone if they have read them yet or which was their favorite. If they volunteer that info, great.  If not, no problem.

I am aware of the possibility someone might not like a book I give or might not prioritize reading aloud as highly as my husband and I do.  But then my mother always warned us when we were kids, "Never ask a question unless you actually want to know the answer and have considered that you might get an answer you don't like."

[J-rap]

I think she was just excited and probably a little clueless socially.  I don't think she meant to be rude or condescending. 

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I agree — and even if she doesn’t know the situation about Dawn’s dad, it was incredibly tacky of that woman to send a gift and then criticize Dawn for not reading the books to her son quickly enough.

And the little quiz about which book Dawn’s son liked best… and second best… and what did he like about them?! Ugh! 

I agree.  I would have been really taken aback by this.  I'm sure you are overly sensitive now due to all the stress but her behavior was out of line IMO and I would have been upset.

[Rosie_0801]

You do seem like the type to read to your kids on a daily basis.
I think it was enthusiasm + a badly worded compliment.

[Carrie12345]

I find her obnoxious (the questions, particularly 2 days in) and rude/condescending (I would have thought, and you didn’t understand.)

And I think it’s weird to label a reaction to rude and obnoxious people “touchy”. Why are people expected to grin and bear it?  I mean, I know most people do try to in order to hurry things along without having a scene, but having a reaction is human. Categorizing that as a negative thing doesn’t make sense.

[Guest]

During times when I have had little bandwidth, comments like that one definitely hit me as condescending. A relative of mine did something similar once when I wasn’t taking my kids to the pool on that particular day. She said something like, “when *my* kids were young, I figured they have such a short summer, so we would squeeze in time to swim *every* day.” It did hit me like. “See how much better and more sacrificial I am as a mother than you?” 

Edited July 10, 2022 by Quill

[DawnM]

9 hours ago, Lecka said:

I have had this and it just depends on who is doing it.  Some people I don’t mind.  Some people I do mind.

If you mind — I assume it’s for good reason.  At the least to not deal with right now and try again in the future, like others have said.

Or next time just say you don’t need any more books right now.  You don’t have to accept stuff you don’t want.  

You are correct.   This particular woman just gets under my skin.  She is constantly asking questions to criticize or tell me she knows better.   Both of her grown boys have been in and out of jail, on an off of meth, etc......I just want to tell her to back off.

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

Bless her heart.

Were these out of print books?  Or something else special about them?

I've read something about how to get rid of the smell.   Don't remember what it was.   I have a 1950s unabridged Webster's I need to try it on.

I understand the irritation.   My grandmother gave my kids Christmas money to my sister to purchase presents for them.  One of the few things she gave them was a book with an I inscription inside the front cover.   From our brother to her oldest daughter. 

I am not sure if they were her kids' books from when they were young or if they were from a thrift store.  She did send me a special outfit of her son's from when he was little and I didn't know and thought it was hideous and gave it away.   Thankfully she doesn't live anywhere nearby so I didn't have to produce it.   Oops.

[DawnM]

10 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I would have been annoyed, too.

It’s like competitive Mommy Wars and I never played those games with people. 

Also, I’m getting the impression that Mrs Perfect Mom has kids who do drugs, have been in and out of jail, and who beat up their girlfriends… so yeah. Not a lot of patience for her judging you because you didn’t meet up to her exacting personal standards for read-alouds.

Yup, she has 2 kids, neither is a contributing member of society (shall we say!)

[DawnM]

thanks guys.   It honestly wasn't a JAWM.   However, she does get under my skin.

[Ausmumof3]

Probably depends on the context of the relationship. It could be socially awkward friendly babbling or it could be trying to make herself feel good at your expense. Too hard to judge from one conversation.

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You do seem like the type to read to your kids on a daily basis.
I think it was enthusiasm + a badly worded compliment.

oh I agree. Dawn definitely seems like the kind to read to her 4 year old on a daily basis.

 

[Catwoman]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

oh I agree. Dawn definitely seems like the kind to read to her 4 year old on a daily basis.

 

I think so, too, but even if she wasn't, it's none of that woman's business, and seemed to just be a way to act like a superior mother.

Also, Dawn isn't exactly a first-time, new mom here, so this kind of "motherly advice" is particularly grating.

[Tanaqui]

So, yeah, she's being condescending. And even if it's totally unintentional, as some commenters suggested, she ought to learn to stop doing that because it's bound to be off-putting to nearly everybody.

On the other hand... Dawn, you clearly can't stand her. So stop interacting with her more than whatever is minimally necessary for whatever reason.

[Elizabeth86]

I would have probably said those things to her that you just thought,so you are good! 🤣 You are not being too sensitive. I like to read to my kids, but I've felt so bad I don't think we've read a book in weeks. We will all be fine. 🤣

Edited July 10, 2022 by Elizabeth86

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

So, yeah, she's being condescending. And even if it's totally unintentional, as some commenters suggested, she ought to learn to stop doing that because it's bound to be off-putting to nearly everybody.

On the other hand... Dawn, you clearly can't stand her. So stop interacting with her more than whatever is minimally necessary for whatever reason.

I have been trying to do it for my son's sake, but not sure I can do it long term.   

[SKL]

I think you are reacting from not feeling well.  (I'm right there with you!)

Not knowing your past with this person, her "I would have thought" may or may not have been insulting.  I might say something like that to my sister, since she is the Supermom type, and every time we talk, she tells me about all the over and above learning stuff she does with her kids.  I assume she was reading a ton to her kids at age 4, so a comment like that would not sound judgmental to her, I don't think.  🙂  (To most other people, I would never say anything about how often they read to their kids.) 

It could be that your person was just explaining why she was asking so soon about the books, now that she realizes you aren't ready for the question.  It is also possible she didn't realize you only had the books 2 days.  Mail is super slow these days.

Or your person could be a jerk.  🙂

I hope you feel better soon.

[KeriJ]

I am very, very against giving a gift with expectations attached. When you give someone a gift, it is no longer yours and no longer your business what they do with it. They are allowed to take it straight to Goodwill if they want. I think it was rude of her to ask. And then condescending to make the reading comment. 

Hugs to you. ❤

[SKL]

I don't think it's rude to ask how a child liked some books ... it is helpful to know whether that kind of gift will be enjoyed in the future.  My sisters would definitely ask that about a gift they sent my kids, and I would do the same.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, KeriJ said:

I am very, very against giving a gift with expectations attached. When you give someone a gift, it is no longer yours and no longer your business what they do with it. They are allowed to take it straight to Goodwill if they want. I think it was rude of her to ask. And then condescending to make the reading comment. 

Hugs to you. ❤

100%. I am mindful of this especially when I’m clearing out old ___(anythings)___. For example, my homeschool stuff. My sister has younger homeschoolers, but I have two policies in place: a) I never dump huge heaps of stuff on her; I am choosy about if she would want or use them, and b) I *always* tell her she is under no obligation to take or keep any of these things; if she doesn’t want or need them, I will re-route them elsewhere. 
 

[Carol in Cal.]

She was definitely OTT.

Assuming that you thanked her when you received the books, she should have left it there.  

[annandatje]

.

Edited July 11, 2022 by annandatje

[Shoeless]

She sounds like she's a lot to deal with. 

I hate gifts that are really performance projects.

[Ellie]

What the actual heck?

[Katy]

One of my kids has some bio family that rubs me the wrong way too. I try to interact with her only when I’m in a very good mood so I know I’ll be less likely to take her antics personally. It’s not always possible though.