Dh forgets things I tell him--- driving me crazy

[Soror]

Way too often dh will forget something I tell him, then get mad at me that I didn't tell him.

I want to smack him. This happens multiple times a week.

His memory has generally been pretty good but he's been too stressed for too long. I take care of nearly everything for the kids on my own because he's at work/school or busy with school work. I tell him about things in passing but there are no big convos about many things because we have a lack of time together. 

He's gone this week to training- coming back today (a day early due to finishing early). I had to drop dd1 off for a school event this morning. And he's pissy because he says I didn't tell him about it. (1) I did and dd did (2) why get upset when you aren't even here.

Anyone else have a dh that forgets things you tell them???? I think I'm going to start a daily digest email for upcoming happenings. It doesn't help to put things on the calendar because he just looks at it for his own things.

[regentrude]

Is he really *forgetting*? Is he actually listening when you tell him? Or is he reflexively making a vague noise that you interpret as a sign of acknowledgment while his mind is completely elsewhere and he didn't register a word of what you've been saying?

[Katy]

Mine doesn’t get angry, but he does get perplexed. Then I repeat the conversation we had last week or two days ago, he gets embarrassed, and the whole thing is dropped. I think in DH’s case it’s the stress of a new job and pending move, stress over the war and what might happen, and lack of sleep. He’s typically a 9 hour a night sleeper & lately he’s getting far less.

[Katy]

I used to do this as a kid… My mom used to say, “repeat after me” AND write notes to remind me… I’m sure I had undiagnosed ADHD.

[happi duck]

Two things that help me and dh: first I finally have convinced him that it isn't shameful to be absent minded and second he opened a gmail account that is only for me to send emails to him.

 

[JustEm]

I learned long ago, that if dh is doing something else I have to get his full attention before I tell him anything.  And by anything else I mean anything. Things that for me take zero concentration, like washing the dishes, he is just in his own world during and hear nothing. He had to work really hard at not blocking out the kids noises because when we first became parents things would fall more on me in the kid department because he simply didn't hear them crying while doing other things.

He never got angry about it though.  He just assumes I told him because he acknowledges the issue.

[Soror]

25 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Is he really *forgetting*? Is he actually listening when you tell him? Or is he reflexively making a vague noise that you interpret as a sign of acknowledgment while his mind is completely elsewhere and he didn't register a word of what you've been saying?

 

25 minutes ago, Katy said:

Mine doesn’t get angry, but he does get perplexed. Then I repeat the conversation we had last week or two days ago, he gets embarrassed, and the whole thing is dropped. I think in DH’s case it’s the stress of a new job and pending move, stress over the war and what might happen, and lack of sleep. He’s typically a 9 hour a night sleeper & lately he’s getting far less.

Yes, stress, lack of sleep, too much going on. And we do sometimes have short convos about things but even when I bring that up he doesn't remember. Remember you said blahblahblah. It just fell out of his head as info he needed until I bring it up again and then he's sure I never told him.

23 minutes ago, Katy said:

I used to do this as a kid… My mom used to say, “repeat after me” AND write notes to remind me… I’m sure I had undiagnosed ADHD.

I think that is an issue here too.

15 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Two things that help me and dh: first I finally have convinced him that it isn't shameful to be absent minded and second he opened a gmail account that is only for me to send emails to him.

 

Yes, I get it he is stressed. But the assumption is always I didn't tell him instead of he forgot because he don't want to admit it. We do email some back and forth but I need to start it regularly I guess because this isn't working!

[Soror]

1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

I learned long ago, that if dh is doing something else I have to get his full attention before I tell him anything.  And by anything else I mean anything. Things that for me take zero concentration, like washing the dishes, he is just in his own world during and hear nothing. He had to work really hard at not blocking out the kids noises because when we first became parents things would fall more on me in the kid department because he simply didn't hear them crying while doing other things.

He never got angry about it though.  He just assumes I told him because he acknowledges the issue.

This is a new issue for dh, because of the stress so it is still hard for him to believe. It isn't just that I'm telling him while he is doing things. I mean part of our conversations are or we really wouldn't hardly talk but we do catch up alone together, while doing nothing else 5, 10, 15 minutes here and there.  He's just got too much in his head, brain is already dead from lack of sleep and stress.

[happi duck]

My comment about it not being shameful is because he used to be very defensive when he forgot something.  Ime, the "you never told me" comes from being embarrassed/ashamed.  Accepting that he forgets some things let's him be okay with reminders etc.

Our secret email is only for us to use otherwise things would get lost in the shuffle.  He deals with a crazy amount of emails a day.  In our private account he can go back to something easily.

[Jaybee]

Yeah, the stress and lack of sleep combo causes my dh to become quite scatterbrained. I think you are on the right track if you both tell him verbally and send him a written (digital) reminder in some way. If you just do written, he might say, "Why didn't you tell me verbally?" Cover both bases, and he has it in front of him. It might begin to sink in that it isn't you, but him.

[Carrie12345]

Dh doesn’t get mad but, yeah, he forgets everything, and it annoys *me.  I do mostly chalk it up to the multiple stresses he’s under.  So I keep a family calendar in the kitchen. If he doesn’t look at it or add his own stuff, that’s on him. Not my fault.

[JustEm]

14 minutes ago, Soror said:

This is a new issue for dh, because of the stress so it is still hard for him to believe. It isn't just that I'm telling him while he is doing things. I mean part of our conversations are or we really wouldn't hardly talk but we do catch up alone together, while doing nothing else 5, 10, 15 minutes here and there.  He's just got too much in his head, brain is already dead from lack of sleep and stress.

yeah, that is difficult. I have been really stressed and overworked for far too long and have noticed that I've been forgetting things and dropping the ball all over the place recently.  Although for me, I never forget that something was said I just forget about it until I am reminded.  What has helped me through this is writing everything down.  Maybe if you dh has a notebook specifically for catching up on family things he can write them down when you 2 do sit down together.

[catz]

We used to have that issue until we started religiously using Google calendar.  When we are really busy I will print it out by the week and hang it on the fridge.  I also can set up reminders, notifications, email, etc.  My husband hold a lot of info in his head but not calendar stuff like that.  I just tell him check the calendar.   With teens, I can’t always remember what is on there.   
 

I think a weekly email digest is a good idea, to remove any emotion on it.     I would not be shy about shutting down any blame game talk for info that is readily available on a public calendar whether you verbally remind him or not.  Especially since he’s not there.  It’s like he’s using you as a venting target because of possibly other frustrations.   I hope you can come to an understanding!

[ktgrok]

3 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

Yeah, the stress and lack of sleep combo causes my dh to become quite scatterbrained. I think you are on the right track if you both tell him verbally and send him a written (digital) reminder in some way. If you just do written, he might say, "Why didn't you tell me verbally?" Cover both bases, and he has it in front of him. It might begin to sink in that it isn't you, but him.

And the lack of sleep will cause mood issues, along with memory issues. So, forgetting AND being angry about it are both symptoms. 

Is there anyway to reduce his stress or for him to sleep more? At this level, it's a health issue. Is a visit with a doctor possible? Is he not having time to sleep, or too stressed to fall asleep, or just not sleeping well? If need be, a sleep study can be done at home now - you don't have to go sleep elsewhere or anything. DH did it and his CPAP was life changing. Or, if it is him just too anxious to sleep, some sleep meds might help. 

[wintermom]

Big hugs. I'm currently in your dh's situation with high stress, lack of sleep and lack of memory. I feel bad, and I wish the stress would be gone yesterday. 

It sounds like his reaction to forgetting is also a reflexive stress-linked reaction.

My dh will sit me down and spell out what I am doing to annoy him, remind me that he loves me and is supporting me in every way possible, but to please remember that he is also stressed. We are a team, and there are no winners or losers. We need to be kind to each other. 

Then he asks me to name one thing that is a easy trigger for my anger, and if possible, he deals with that. It's completely stupid, but I get triggered by dirty dishes being left on the counter. It makes me snap and lose it, which is illogical. So he deals with all the dishes on the counter. It's amazing how just this one simple thing helps me out so well. 

[Kanin]

38 minutes ago, Soror said:

He's just got too much in his head, brain is already dead from lack of sleep and stress.

That sounds awful. Is there any change happening for that situation in the future?

[KatieJ]

We’ve been doing that dance for years…I keep texts on my phone often, just to show him, yes I did tell you that!

I have come to some conclusions you all have, stress, etc, but mostly they just don’t assimilate the information the way we send it. I say  abc, he hears 123. 
 

[Loowit]

Many times I will tell DH things in Skype just so I can tell him that I did mention it, look at Skype.  We have had this for years.  But lately I have been questioning my own memory.  DH will be certain he told me something and I have no memory of it at all.  I have been very stressed lately, and I am sure that is part of it.  Keeping things on the calendar and in messages that I can go back and look at helps tremendously.

[Arcadia]

4 hours ago, Soror said:

We do email some back and forth but I need to start it regularly I guess because this isn't working!

Lack of sleep (more than my usual insomnia) would make me grouchy. Do you have a shared to-do list? My husband has a flood of work emails to clear every morning so emails won’t be effective for us. To-do list is easier because you could set reminders and priority levels as well.

[Spy Car]

I'm self-aware enough to know when incoming messages are most likely to be forgotten due to tiredness, stress, or whatever.

The best thing about smartphones (for me) is the ability to set "reminders" for myself. I use this feature often.

Game changing.

Bill

[prairiewindmomma]

I live in a household of people where over half of them have ADHD and forgotten conversations happen a lot.

Everything goes onto a shared Google calendar, with invites extended if certain people need to attend. 
 

To-do lists also are on shared electronics, and we have work flow meetings over lunch usually as Dh works from home. 

I still expect they will forget things, but that is on them, and I don’t tolerate being groused at if they don’t track. It took a few years to really train everyone, but I have a memory where I would say, “We talked about it on this day. I was wearing this and doing this. You were wearing this, had just come from x and were sitting there in that chair.”

With kids I check for understanding that they heard me, “Tell me what I just said.” With adults, I flat out won’t talk to them about important things if their attention is divided. I will also cue the convo with, “Hey, I need to tell you xyz and need to make sure you are tracking…” 

 

[KungFuPanda]

13 hours ago, Soror said:

Way too often dh will forget something I tell him, then get mad at me that I didn't tell him.

I want to smack him. This happens multiple times a week.

His memory has generally been pretty good but he's been too stressed for too long. I take care of nearly everything for the kids on my own because he's at work/school or busy with school work. I tell him about things in passing but there are no big convos about many things because we have a lack of time together. 

He's gone this week to training- coming back today (a day early due to finishing early). I had to drop dd1 off for a school event this morning. And he's pissy because he says I didn't tell him about it. (1) I did and dd did (2) why get upset when you aren't even here.

Anyone else have a dh that forgets things you tell them???? I think I'm going to start a daily digest email for upcoming happenings. It doesn't help to put things on the calendar because he just looks at it for his own things.

I'd start a text trail.  I know if I ONLY hear something I am less likely to remember it.  I remember what I read and what I do so much better than what I hear.  In addition to texting, you can make it a calendar item and invite him to your calendar event.  Now it's on the family calendar AND he's gotten an email specifically inviting him to the event.  If it's really bad, print a paper calendar and post it in the bathroom.  Use a highlighter. 😁

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm usually a pretty together person....unless I'm short on sleep.  I'm a complete idiot on lack of sleep. There's a reason bad guys use sleep deprivation to torture people: it works. I have recently told my kids (teen and adults) that I have perimenopausal brain, so they shouldn't feel inhibited about talking down to me a bit, stating things explicitly, reminding, or repeating. 

My brother is neurotypical, but when he was a kid/teen my mother would make sure he was listening by saying, "Travis, look into my eyes..." She would wait until he was looking into her eyes, then she'd tell him important things a little louder and firmer than usual.  Sometimes she'd ask, "What did I just say to you?" and make him repeat it back. She referred to males as having, " the defective Y chromosome" for stuff like that.

Now with smartphones, reminders are easier than ever. To Do lists can be posted in a centralized location in person or electronically.  I wouldn't start these kinds of conversations with anything other than, "Do you have your phone right now?" If the answer is no I'd say. " Go get it, I'll wait." Then I'd phrase it something like, "I need you to set yourself a reminder to ______________at/on ___________________." or "Please add _____________to your To Do List because it needs to be done on/by ___________." Then I'd watch him do it.

My husband has had episodic memory loss for two decades now.  It's not usually a problem because he sets reminders and writes everything down in a place where he refers to it multiple times throughout the day. The To Do List for our cross country move was several printed ages, single spaced, front and back. Nothing fell through the cracks.  Sometimes he texts or verbally reminds me of things, for which I'm grateful.  If everyone's neutral and not defensive about it, it works well.

I have been known to write with a wet erase marker on my bathroom mirror something I need to remember the next day. I always brush my teeth first thing in the morning while looking in that mirror, so my marker note is there as needed and  my daily allergy pill bottle is there. Sometimes I write on his mirror.  He wakes up 3 hours before I do, so at night if I need to remind him of something as soon as he's up, I can just write it on his mirror.

My personal To Do List and Grocery List magnetic white board is on the fridge next to my family calendar. There's a magnetic pen holder beside it. Now I don't have to remember what someone said they need at the grocery store-they can write it down and I'll see it.

[lauraw4321]

Written communications about scheduled things. One mode (email or text).

[Arctic Bunny]

We use cozi. Everybody gets a daily and weekly digest automatically. It has taken literally two years for DH to both put things in it AND check it. But he’s pretty good now.

[Ausmumof3]

That sounds frustrating! Dh has been through phases like this and probably me also when I’m busy.

Sorry for asking the obvious but did you guys have Covid? 

[Guest]

21 hours ago, Soror said:

Anyone else have a dh that forgets things you tell them???? I think I'm going to start a daily digest email for upcoming happenings. It doesn't help to put things on the calendar because he just looks at it for his own things.

I’m sorry, Soror. Yes, I have one of those, too, but in my case, I think there are some issues there. I don’t want to say much about it on here for now, but suffice it to say, I am concerned about implications. 

[HomeAgain]

Dh and I share a family calendar on our phones.  It's a lifesaver.

I'm the one who is forgetful.  Write it down and I will remember with an almost photographic memory.  Tell me and I'm liable to forget 5 minutes later because it's not in an immediate frame of reference.  My brain has trouble with picturing "event on Tuesday" with what Tuesday actually is.  It's two separate events in my mind, if that makes sense.

[J-rap]

10 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

I have been known to write with a wet erase marker on my bathroom mirror something I need to remember the next day. I always brush my teeth first thing in the morning while looking in that mirror, so my marker note is there as needed and  my daily allergy pill bottle is there. Sometimes I write on his mirror.  He wakes up 3 hours before I do, so at night if I need to remind him of something as soon as he's up, I can just write it on his mirror.
 

This is such a great idea!

[J-rap]

It sounds like your dh has a lot going on.  We still go by the old-fashioned family calendar -- I mean an actual paper one that's always out where we can see it.  

I also put sticky notes on places as reminders...  On the kitchen counter, on the front-door, on the refrigerator (by the handle), sometimes on the bathroom mirror.  I've always been a more detailed person and my dh is a bigger-picture person, so it works out.

[maize]

An email listing upcoming events for the week sounds like a good plan.

[Soror]

Dh doesn't forget things he's supposed to do (usually). He sets reminders and puts things in the calendar. No, he forgets things I'm doing (usually stuff with the kids). 
He also forgets things going on with the kids. Like ds has ACT prep class after school, he eventually remembered but it took several times of us talking about it. He doesn't have anything to do with that- ds drives himself at this point. It doesn't affect dh in anyway. But he was upset he didn't "know" about it, when he had been told. And not just events but general things- this kid did well on this test or this kid had trouble with this.

And it isn't like we are yelling/cursing at each other (neither of us do that) but he gets pouty and guilt trippy at times.

I think part of being upset is a cover for being embarrassed and denial but I also think it is a sadness that he misses things because he is gone and so busy. 

Appointments and such I do put in our shared calendar- he sees his own appointments but I think he's brain doesn't see the others sometimes. But somethings are just little things I don't put on a calendar or to-do list. I just do them.

He would not look at a physical calendar- I used one for years and it was not his thing. We don't use a to do list physical or otherwise. He makes reminders for things he needs to do and I do too. I mostly just remember things but put in to-dos for time sensitive things. 

I do not want the calendar covered with all the minutia and some things don't belong on a calendar anyway. I'll start the digest there is a precedent of us doing that before so it won't come across as insulting. Then I'll just make a separate folder to store those in for later so he can go back and look (or maybe I can show hey I did tell you that!). 

[DawnM]

Mine says, "You didn't tell me that!"

Um, yes, yes I did, usually multiple times.

[ktgrok]

On 3/18/2022 at 10:18 PM, KungFuPanda said:

I'd start a text trail.  I know if I ONLY hear something I am less likely to remember it.  I remember what I read and what I do so much better than what I hear.  In addition to texting, you can make it a calendar item and invite him to your calendar event.  Now it's on the family calendar AND he's gotten an email specifically inviting him to the event.  If it's really bad, print a paper calendar and post it in the bathroom.  Use a highlighter. 😁

Yup. I keep a calendar (dry erase) in the kitchen now so we can all see it, and I color code things, and ONLY put stuff we all need to see on there. If it is just for me, and DH doesn't need to know, I don't put it on there, so it doesn't clutter it up. That old idea that if everything is important, nothing is important, you know? So that one just has family stuff on it. 

On 3/19/2022 at 9:12 AM, J-rap said:

It sounds like your dh has a lot going on.  We still go by the old-fashioned family calendar -- I mean an actual paper one that's always out where we can see it.  

I also put sticky notes on places as reminders...  On the kitchen counter, on the front-door, on the refrigerator (by the handle), sometimes on the bathroom mirror.  I've always been a more detailed person and my dh is a bigger-picture person, so it works out.

Sticky notes are amazing for those with memory issues!!!! I have ADHD, and would not have survived my many years in the working world without my sticky notes. Digital ones are NOT the same. Anytihng on a screen where you have to take the initiative to pull up the calendar/open app/etc is not the same. A physical sticky note that you throw away when not needed is way better. 

Love the idea of putting it on the bathroom mirror!

[Carrie12345]

Yesterday was over the top over here. And I’m the one who snapped.

It wasn’t just a what’s happening when issue, though there was some of that.  We had a conversation with our kid, and minutes later he was asking me questions that said kid had just provided the answers for.  And then there were yet more issues of not retaining other information in short time spans.

I’m a little annoyed with myself for the lack of patience I showed, because I DO know it’s a crazy time, and because *I* am generally the one who has to work hard to process and retain things. I’m not unfamiliar with the struggle! But I slept on it, and I think the thing that upset me was less the forgetting and more the being the stenographer reading back the transcript.  And more the fact that I don’t get one of those than that I felt like one.  As challenging as it is for my adhd brain to deal with everyone’s stuff plus my own, there’s the ever present awareness that I’m responsible for coping one way or another.  In the day to day, if I turn to my ever present dog to refresh my memory of 10 minutes ago, I’m sunk! So I’d better manage the flow of information in real time.

The reality is that I do glitch from time to time. And we all usually laugh about it. Dh tends to a bit more, and we laugh or do some light hearted eye rolling. But yesterday was beyond the norm, and the underlying stressors are going to pick up some more heft in the near future, so we’re all going to have to talk about how to best cope in the coming months. It should be… interesting.

[Soror]

@Carrie12345 Yes, us moms have to keep track of everything. I generally do pretty well remembering things happening thank goodness. It would be even more annoying to have to be responsible for such things and have that difficulty added on.

We had a crappy one on Saturday. I mentioned about ds having a college trip next Saturday. On cue dh says- you didn't tell me about that. Stupid me, my first answer was I put it on the calendar. "Well, not like I'm going to look for things I don't know are there." I then said- there is an email and we also talked about it. I specifically remember talking about it because we were talking about another upcoming visit at the same time and having other events on the same day and he said- "we'll have to divide and conquer." And then he left the room. 

Then dh told me Sunday- ds said he doesn't know anything about this visit this week (and my head almost exploded). I just talked to ds Saturday afternoon when I noticed as usual he was scheduled next Saturday when he was supposed to get off (he put in for it 2 days late). He texted his boss about it while I was sitting there. In the same conversation, we talked about another upcoming visit and he made up a note to request off for that day too. So, I know he knows about it. I don't know if dh talked to ds just when he woke up and he wasn't thinking or his brain really did fall out of his head. 

I'm currently drafting an email with the days and happenings for each day.  Things he's already been today about each multiple times. Only one of those things does he need to be there for but whatever. 

[Annie G]

While I like the ideas mentioned above- calendar, texts, etc., it doesn’t help when I have no idea which things dh will forget (or not really ‘hear’ in the first place) and which of those things will irritate him (or me).  I can’t write down everything.  So yeah, annoying. 
 

[Soror]

48 minutes ago, Annie G said:

While I like the ideas mentioned above- calendar, texts, etc., it doesn’t help when I have no idea which things dh will forget (or not really ‘hear’ in the first place) and which of those things will irritate him (or me).  I can’t write down everything.  So yeah, annoying. 
 

I hear you there! Dh forgets random things too. No way to know what it will be. I'm just hoping to knock out the big things.

[wintermom]

On 3/19/2022 at 9:58 AM, Soror said:

Dh doesn't forget things he's supposed to do (usually). He sets reminders and puts things in the calendar. No, he forgets things I'm doing (usually stuff with the kids). 
He also forgets things going on with the kids. Like ds has ACT prep class after school, he eventually remembered but it took several times of us talking about it. He doesn't have anything to do with that- ds drives himself at this point. It doesn't affect dh in anyway. But he was upset he didn't "know" about it, when he had been told. And not just events but general things- this kid did well on this test or this kid had trouble with this.

And it isn't like we are yelling/cursing at each other (neither of us do that) but he gets pouty and guilt trippy at times.

I think part of being upset is a cover for being embarrassed and denial but I also think it is a sadness that he misses things because he is gone and so busy. 

Appointments and such I do put in our shared calendar- he sees his own appointments but I think he's brain doesn't see the others sometimes. But somethings are just little things I don't put on a calendar or to-do list. I just do them.

He would not look at a physical calendar- I used one for years and it was not his thing. We don't use a to do list physical or otherwise. He makes reminders for things he needs to do and I do too. I mostly just remember things but put in to-dos for time sensitive things. 

I do not want the calendar covered with all the minutia and some things don't belong on a calendar anyway. I'll start the digest there is a precedent of us doing that before so it won't come across as insulting. Then I'll just make a separate folder to store those in for later so he can go back and look (or maybe I can show hey I did tell you that!). 

Maybe you can ask him if he'd like help with remembering events, and if so what method he recommends trying out? This is ultimately HIS problem, but it's affecting the entire family relationships. You are there to support him, however HE needs to be the one making good choices and building a happy life around him. Happiness isn't going to magically happen. He needs to be gently reminded that he's in control of his life.

Edited March 21, 2022 by wintermom

[Farrar]

I would tackle this as two totally separate issues.

1. Obviously just from a practical standpoint you need new systems for telling him stuff and people have given you lots of good ideas.

2. I would have a conversation with him about how he needs to stop assuming you're the one who is forgetting things or dropping the ball and projecting his frustration about "not knowing" onto you. Because that's the piece that's the most frustrating and long term relationship destructive. Like, you're trying to recognize that he has a lot going on, you're adapting your systems of communication for that, you're already carrying the mental and organizational load for the household. But you need HIM to take a step to meet you partway by recognizing that you're doing just fine. And part of that can be him  recognizing that he is also doing his best and that hopefully new systems can help him as well.

[ktgrok]

Is he on medication that may be effecting his memory? Things like statins? 

Otherwise, this sounds pretty serious, and he needs to see a doctor. And have a sleep study. 

[Beth S]

I'm just going to add that as my DH and I are aging, we forget things a lot more.
I think it's wise to get a communication system in place, so NEITHER of you have to try "not to forget" things.

Not that you're saying "I told you so" . . . but that you both have a central spot (text/email/Skype, whatever) where you update each other.

No need to ramp up the frustration or the guilt-trip.  Just keep up that chat location.

[Miss Tick]

I'm surprised that he is getting angry/frustrated with *you* about things that don't involve him. That doesn't seem logical.

[shawthorne44]

I'll text DH about important stuff and also mention it later.   That way he'll see each message multiple times.   It hasn't been a problem for awhile though.   DD on the other hand ....