Question re: older adult kids "boundaries"

[sheryl]

Deleted

Edited December 19, 2021 by sheryl

[Spryte]

Could you come up with an alternate plan? Offer to have the items shipped from your home, so you will be home all day?

[Pam in CT]

?  Can't Fed Ex pick the thing up from your house? 

If not, boundaries, I'd say no. 

They'll most likely have to pay a late fee, or perhaps the full monthly charge. Shrug.  One learns to plan by dealing with the consequences of not-planning. I speak from personal experience, lol.

[Grace Hopper]

I tell them what I’m able to do for them.
 

But that “able” isn’t based on whether or not I am truly able to do all they ask. It’s based on what I have the capacity (et clarify, the energy and desire) to do. 
 

So to use your case as an example, I would have said, “Sure I’ll help. I’m able to be there from 10am to 3pm. Hopefully you can get other friends to cover the rest of the time. Have a great trip!”

 

Edited December 18, 2021 by Grace Hopper

[elegantlion]

At that age, they're not kids, they're adults and would be treated as such. Babysitting, sure fine, that's great. You seem to enjoy it. 

Hanging out all day to wait for FedEx, nope. Unless you really feel led to do so, I would use the adage "Your lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on my part." I would kindly repeat, I'm sorry that doesn't work for my schedule. Ask if they've considered a Fed Ex drop off point if they're pressed for time. 

My boundaries for people in their thirties is pretty much the above. Being kind and helpful to relatives as my need allows but not allowing myself to be used either. 

[maize]

I would think that taking the package to a FedEx location or having it picked up from your home should be an option.

[prairiewindmomma]

I am willing to help when it’s convenient for me, for things of a regular nature.

So, for the FedEx thing, I am not available. They can drop it off at a FedEx store, or arrange pickup from my house (if I am already going to be there), or pay a late fee. 
 

(I will be more available for health/safety issues…..ie watch kids to do an ER run, etc.) 

[Grace Hopper]

Ok yeah why in the world can’t they just take it to a FedEx drop off site themselves?

[thewellerman]

I thought FedEx packages could be dropped off at a store?

[kristin0713]

In this situation, I would offer to stay home at *my* house and wait for it to be picked up if the location could be changed, but *only* if I didn't need that day to run errands. She could also ask for a return label and stick it in the mail herself. 

[mom2samlibby]

I would have them drop off to Fed Ex or arrange for Fed Ex pickup at your house. There is no way I would go sit at their house and wait for it to be picked up. 

[catz]

Honestly, I'd just say no that doesn't work for you the day of Christmas.  If she could arrange pick up from your house and preferably drop it off or you pick it up if convenient.  Is it huge?  Couldn't it just be dropped off at UPS or Fedex?  I pretty much wouldn't do this for anyone the week of Christmas with my college kid coming home, etc.  

Some people are just disorganized.  2 full time parents, with a high needs infant, during a global pandemic it is understandable some things are going to fall through the cracks and they're going to be more self absorbed with their own situation.  I actually don't fault them at all.  And some people's personalities are more organized this way.  My parents practically drilled into me how "independent" I was.  I would personally never be comfortable asking for help to this degree.  Since they don't have the perspective to know that asking you to just sit at their house waiting all day long the week of Christmas doesn't work well for you it is absolutely fine to say no and say you're open to other ideas.  

Edited December 18, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[Carrie12345]

It is okay to both love them AND point out that the request is insane. Because the request is insane.

Even if the nearest FedEx is an hour away, they can spend 2 hours vs. asking someone else to spend 12.

[Farrar]

I'm with everyone else that this just seems like a poorly thought out ask. There's probably a much better way to handle it.

But when you're overwhelmed, broke, with a newborn who came out of the NICU... no wonder you can't figure out what that way is.

I would not worry so much that this is a universal issue for them just because they are likely not being extra well planned and rational given everything. Like, I wouldn't take it personally that they asked you to do something that's absurdly high commitment and maybe a little pointless if you can just take it and drop it off for them instead. I would feel free to express your boundaries and just say, oh, I can't do that, it's just too long and I have some other things I need to get done. I assume they'll find other ways to do it when things like that come up. But I would also look at helping them with the organizational labor. Like, in this case, suggesting a way that you could help by taking it to be shipped instead. Or having it picked up at your house, as other suggest. And in general, I'd look at ways to suggest that sort of thing for them. 

[sheryl]

OK, thanks all!  I don't have time to reply individually so here is a group reply -

Just called Fed Ex and niece.  She said the company for the Snoo bassinet indicates that it can NOT be dropped off.  ????  So, dh deals with FED EX all the time for work.  He mentioned changing the pick up location to our house.  Called niece and she's checking with company to see if bassinet can be picked up from our house.  Why the heck not?!?!!?!  This company closed at 5, of course.  We were talking at 5:30. She'll call tomorrow.  Then, I'm sad for her here, she got panicky and huffy.  WHAT!  I'm willing to help these adult kids (yes, kids aka adult kids) but boundaries are forth-coming.  Why would it matter to a company where to pick up the item?  Will it void a warranty?  

She made me feel guilty when she said she'd cancel and they'd pay for another month.  I'm just sad.  Do not want the attention on me here but I'm sad that these adult kids nearing 40 are so clueless to organization.  Now I sound mean and that is NOT my intent.  

Sigh!  I bet she called her Mom/my sister and had choice words.  I just know in my heart I love them and am willing to help but this is ridiculous!

[sheryl]

Why on earth did they not arrange pick up of this Snoo on Wed when niece had day off?  I was visiting her for a couple hours that day!  

[Guest]

Yeah I also don’t completely fault them for not having this mapped out better with having had a NICU baby and all their other things. But I agree that it makes no sense for you to be stuck hanging around there all day. This is literally the very reason I almost never do pick-ups for FedEx or ups; I take it to a shipping location for exactly this reason. I’m not waiting around all day for a “convenient” pickup. 
 

My mom was like this, too; she would procrastinate on things until most/all options had vanished and the only “solution” was to ask me for a “favor” instead. She did this one year with arranging dog care so they could go on a trip and then tried to guilt-trip me into dog-sitting. This was also when I still had my German Shepherd and there was no way at all to have an outside dog at our house. The dog was hugely territorial. 

[KungFuPanda]

So she thinks your whole entire day is worth her saving $100? I'd rather say no and have an uncomfortable conversation that lasts a few minutes than say yes and spend a whole day waiting at her house. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I’ll admit that after a difficult pregnancy, a two week hospital stay for me and an 8 week NICU stay, it took a year for my brain to grow back.  I might have foolishly asked someone something similar.

Honestly, you love them and care for them. If you can afford it, can you give her $100 for Christmas and tell her not to worry about the bassinet, just return it next month?  It’s probably just one more small thing on top of everything else, and they’re completely overwhelmed.

[Guest]

Re: “feel guilty” - literally exactly what my mother did when I made a firm boundary. My mom said she would have to put the dog down if nobody could dog-sit. Sure, mom. Right. 
 

If she got huffy, she’s just facing the consequences of her poor planning. I’m sorry but that’s not your problem. 

[Grace Hopper]

14 minutes ago, sheryl said:

OK, thanks all!  I don't have time to reply individually so here is a group reply -

Just called Fed Ex and niece.  She said the company for the Snoo bassinet indicates that it can NOT be dropped off.  ????  So, dh deals with FED EX all the time for work.  He mentioned changing the pick up location to our house.  Called niece and she's checking with company to see if bassinet can be picked up from our house.  Why the heck not?!?!!?!  This company closed at 5, of course.  We were talking at 5:30. She'll call tomorrow.  Then, I'm sad for her here, she got panicky and huffy.  WHAT!  I'm willing to help these adult kids (yes, kids aka adult kids) but boundaries are forth-coming.  Why would it matter to a company where to pick up the item?  Will it void a warranty?  

She made me feel guilty when she said she'd cancel and they'd pay for another month.  I'm just sad.  Do not want the attention on me here but I'm sad that these adult kids nearing 40 are so clueless to organization.  Now I sound mean and that is NOT my intent.  

Sigh!  I bet she called her Mom/my sister and had choice words.  I just know in my heart I love them and am willing to help but this is ridiculous!

There’s no words that she could have shared that did not make her look foolish for asking you to sit at her house for 12 hours two days before Christmas. Hope her mama set her straight. 

[Frances]

13 minutes ago, sheryl said:

Sigh!  I bet she called her Mom/my sister and had choice words.  I just know in my heart I love them and am willing to help but this is ridiculous!

If your sister/her mom wants to help, then she should pay fort the extra month of rental. Hopefully your sister will set her straight in regards to asking someone to wait at her house for 12 hours the day before Christmas.

[mom2samlibby]

I think she is making this more difficult then it needs to be. Their website says she just needs to print off a the shipping label. Once you have a return label, you can do anything with it -- drop it off at a local FED Ex drop off location (Walgreens, etc.) or schedule a pick up at your house. 

[goldberry]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  I have a procrastinator daughter.  It's so hard when you can see a situation coming a mile away, but if you try to point it out, you're just nagging. So you stay quiet instead, and then are asked to help them fix the chaos.  And I get the "just let them suffer the chaos" but it's hard.  Sometimes WE are the ones who are affected by the chaos.  

Yes, boundaries.  But sympathizing, because it's hard to be the bad guy. 

[Carrie12345]

18 minutes ago, goldberry said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  I have a procrastinator daughter.  It's so hard when you can see a situation coming a mile away, but if you try to point it out, you're just nagging. So you stay quiet instead, and then are asked to help them fix the chaos.  And I get the "just let them suffer the chaos" but it's hard.  Sometimes WE are the ones who are affected by the chaos.  

Yes, boundaries.  But sympathizing, because it's hard to be the bad guy. 

It is. I have a dd who used to never ask me for anything, but then started swinging the other way.  Now I answer texts with “If you truly need me to, OF COURSE I will. But do you truly need me to???”  
It’s starting to sink in. 

[Acorn]

Did anyone else have to Google what is a Snoo? I’m in sticker shock.

I can’t imagine why it needs to be pick up vs a store drop off. 

[Catwoman]

54 minutes ago, mom2samlibby said:

I think she is making this more difficult then it needs to be. Their website says she just needs to print off a the shipping label. Once you have a return label, you can do anything with it -- drop it off at a local FED Ex drop off location (Walgreens, etc.) or schedule a pick up at your house. 

 Yes, and the added bonus to dropping it off at a FedEx store is that she can get a receipt for the package right then and there, to prove that she sent it in case FedEx loses it.

[City Mouse]

Take out the idea that this is a “kid”. What would you do if a 40yr old friend asked you to do the same thing? My guess is you wouldn’t agree. 
If she has to pay for an extra month of rent on the item, that is natural consequences. If there is always someone ready to step in and are up for her lack of planning she never needs to learn to do better.

[MooCow]

1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

It is. I have a dd who used to never ask me for anything, but then started swinging the other way.  Now I answer texts with “If you truly need me to, OF COURSE I will. But do you truly need me to???”  
It’s starting to sink in. 

My oldest does this 😔🙄 he's learning though it's slow for me 

[BlsdMama]

I’ll be honest that I would proactively call the company and see if I could drop it off because, I suspect, due to a poor planning nature and a pinch of manipulation, she’s making assumptions and passing them off as conclusions. It MUST be a pickup? Um… 🤨 Maybe I’m wrong. 
 

But I jump to that conclusion based on the statement that the NICU/C-section was $80k. No doubt it was at least that - but not their part. There’s an out of pocket maximum and the baby’s stay didn’t span two different year time periods. Plus babies (especially early preemies) born to parents strapped for cash generally qualify for a state medical coverage. I think you’re getting convenient parts of stories. I hope I’m wrong. 

[Tanaqui]

I normally would say that asking and expecting are two entirely different things. Just because I ask for a favor it does not mean I expect it - it means I'm asking and if you say no, I'll do something else.

But if they do expect it that's probably because you say yes. If you want to say no, just say no.

As for "she made me feel guilty" - this is something I go through with my mother all the time. I tell her, again and again, that her feelings are hers and she owns them. If she feels guilty for something, that doesn't mean I blame her for that thing or that I would like her to feel bad about it. If she feels upset, that doesn't mean I wanted her to feel upset or tried to upset her on purpose. This is a hard concept for her.

So I see two options here. I don't know these people, of course. The first, with reference to my mother, is that they're not trying to make you feel bad at all. They asked a favor, you said no, they said "Okay, we'll do this" and now have no idea you're tying yourself up in knots about it.

The second, of course, is that they haphazardly planned to have you handle everything, and now they're put out that you said no, and did, in fact, want to make you feel guilty and probably are talking smack about you behind your back.

Here's the thing. Whether they're trying to make you feel guilty or not, they can't make you BE guilty.

Do you think their request was reasonable? Not at all. You have many reasons for thinking it's an unreasonable request.

Is any serious, grievous harm going to come to them because you said no? Doubtful. They'll have to tighten their belts an extra month.

As a sensible, reasonable person, do you have anything to feel guilty over? I can't see it.

So if you have no reason to feel guilty then the best thing is to stop thinking about it. You didn't do anything wrong, and you know it, and it won't help to dwell on this incident. Just practice saying no to them a lot more. You're not really doing them any favors by doing them all these favors.

[Bambam]

Anything like that which is a HUGE inconvenience to me (and not an emergency, I'm find with anything in an emergency), I'd say that Sorry, I can't do that. 
I might offer alternative ideas (aka, take it to a Fed Ex location?), but I'm not solving their problems for them because I have enough of my own to deal with!

Re the cost of the birth. Sorry, but that's not your problem either.  Timing, etc, that's on them.

And a full time nanny is expensive. I'm surprised they can afford that if both are PS teachers. 

I might say I'm happy to babysit sometimes, but I need advance notice. I don't work, but I do make plans, so just calling me up today to let me know you need me to babysit tomorrow might not work with my plans. 

[Lecka]

I really think you need to do the things that work for you, and not do the things that don’t work for you. 
 

I think that does mean saying no sometimes while saying yes other times.

 

I am saying “no” with something right now, where one big area doesn’t work for me, but I am still helping in the ways that do work for me.

 

It has been hard for me but Worth It.  There have been some things that I have not said I would do, even though technically it’s possible for me to do them and I don’t know how they will get done.  
 

But I was in a road to getting burned out!  
 

I think this is the bottom line — it just won’t work long-term to do things that do not work for you.  
 

I think take care of yourself.

 

I have both said “no” and let there be a gap if silence where I don’t volunteer to solve a problem.

 

And while it is things I “could” do I do know that there are some ways I do want to help that are in fact very helpful, and other ways that just do not work for me even though I don’t have any good reason/excuse for that.

 

This is a significant volunteer commitment for me and another volunteer has said — do what you can do, and let other people take care of the other things.  
 

I know you are helping a family member and not volunteering, but I think this is still the case.

 

For the problems I haven’t solved despite a silence — they have ended up being taken care of, or they haven’t gotten done.  
 

One of the things that hasn’t gotten done — I do think I will step in if some more time passes by.  But another volunteer has said she will do it even though she hasn’t yet — but she has had some things come up.  
 

It is also the case — if I take care of things, other people will not — because it seems like I am taking care of things and don’t even want help — like it would be stepping on my toes.  
 

So I really have to leave it.  That just seems to be what the dynamic is.  

[HS Mom in NC]

6 hours ago, sheryl said:

She made me feel guilty when she said she'd cancel and they'd pay for another month. 

Feeling guilty is voluntary on your part.  You can choose to feel guilty if you want to, but since you haven't done anything wrong, guilt is inappropriate in this situation.  Life's inconveniences and natural consequences shouldn't be guilt inducing on your part.

I'm just sad.  Do not want the attention on me here but I'm sad that these adult kids nearing 40 are so clueless to organization.  Now I sound mean and that is NOT my intent. 

No, it's not mean.  It's just a neutral fact.  They seem to plan poorly.  Some people are like that.  When someone is like that and doesn't want to be like that anymore they seek out information about how to change that. They're adults and capable of doing so.  Whether they do are not has nothing to do with you. This isn't about you, so don't make it about you. 

Sigh!  I bet she called her Mom/my sister and had choice words.  I just know in my heart I love them and am willing to help but this is ridiculous!

Yes, it's ridiculous. So what if she tells Sis?  People talk.  Let them.  You're not in middle/high school, so talking about you isn't affecting you unless you choose to be affected by it. Adults don't fret over gossip.

You're dealing with adults.  Simply tell them what you are willing to do and how much notice you need.  Not willing to spend a day waiting for pick up?  Say, "No, I won't do that." in a pleasant tone. Tell her what you are willing to do, if anything.  Don't get sucked into their chaos by investing emotional energy and fretting about what they're thinking and saying.  You can't control that.  Focus on what you can control, offer to do what is only reasonable and you're willing to do, and let the chips fall where they may.

You need to understand the concept of what a friend of mine calls "the stupid tax." When a person makes a poor choice there's usually a cost.  Often that cost is monetary.  It just is what it is.  When I forget to return the item I changed my mind about within the return time, or I lose my receipt, or whatever, I pay the stupid tax by not getting a refund and I'm stuck with something I don't want.  Shrug.  That's life. It's nothing anyone needs to rescue me from or be upset by on my behalf. 

Don't be an enabler.  If they expect you to rescue them from their poor decision making you're doing harm to them by accommodating them.  If they're just asking and will come up with a different solution like adults if you tell them no then tell them no and let them do their own adulting.

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by HS Mom in NC

[sheryl]

3 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I’ll admit that after a difficult pregnancy, a two week hospital stay for me and an 8 week NICU stay, it took a year for my brain to grow back.  I might have foolishly asked someone something similar.

Honestly, you love them and care for them. If you can afford it, can you give her $100 for Christmas and tell her not to worry about the bassinet, just return it next month?  It’s probably just one more small thing on top of everything else, and they’re completely overwhelmed.

I see you have a big heart and I would gladly do that EXCEPT this is their m.o., challenges or not.  We've all had hellish challenges but you plow through and make good decisions.  Remember at almost 40 they should have better skills (in many areas) than what they are demonstrating.

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Re: “feel guilty” - literally exactly what my mother did when I made a firm boundary. My mom said she would have to put the dog down if nobody could dog-sit. Sure, mom. Right. 
 

If she got huffy, she’s just facing the consequences of her poor planning. I’m sorry but that’s not your problem. 

Yes, she was a little huffy and threatened to "not send it back, cancel Fed Ex and pay for the extra month".  I will have to work long and hard on this not troubling me.  I just took a 2 hour drive, thinking and praying on this very situation.  With teary eyes and all.

[sheryl]

3 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

There’s no words that she could have shared that did not make her look foolish for asking you to sit at her house for 12 hours two days before Christmas. Hope her mama set her straight. 

I agree.  It would be a "little" better any other month and/or not for so long.  I told dh I feel badly for my niece that she acted this way.  It does not make her look good.  And, no to last statement - that's a BIG part of the problem as she's very controlling and has raised her dd that way.  

[sheryl]

3 hours ago, mom2samlibby said:

I think she is making this more difficult then it needs to be. Their website says she just needs to print off a the shipping label. Once you have a return label, you can do anything with it -- drop it off at a local FED Ex drop off location (Walgreens, etc.) or schedule a pick up at your house. 

OK, niece said their policy says customer can not drop off.  Do you have a link to send?  That would be helpful.  

[sheryl]

2 hours ago, Acorn said:

Did anyone else have to Google what is a Snoo? I’m in sticker shock.

I can’t imagine why it needs to be pick up vs a store drop off. 

YES!  Agree!  I NEVER heard of a snoo.  It is nice and I put baby to sleep a few times in it but it's quite expensive.  I used a regular bassinet.

[sheryl]

2 hours ago, City Mouse said:

Take out the idea that this is a “kid”. What would you do if a 40yr old friend asked you to do the same thing? My guess is you wouldn’t agree. 
If she has to pay for an extra month of rent on the item, that is natural consequences. If there is always someone ready to step in and are up for her lack of planning she never needs to learn to do better.

Kid, child.  She is my sister's kid/child.  The rest of your reply I agree with - my sister is always stepping in.  DH and I have seen the relationship b/t my sister and my niece a little better since niece got married.  My sister made "most" of the arrangements and suggested to some degree decisions.  My niece is always bailed out and hence part of the problem.  It's hard because there is a baby involved and they are expensive.  80K debt due to delivery of this precious little one. 

[sheryl]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I’ll be honest that I would proactively call the company and see if I could drop it off because, I suspect, due to a poor planning nature and a pinch of manipulation, she’s making assumptions and passing them off as conclusions. It MUST be a pickup? Um… 🤨 Maybe I’m wrong. 
 

But I jump to that conclusion based on the statement that the NICU/C-section was $80k. No doubt it was at least that - but not their part. There’s an out of pocket maximum and the baby’s stay didn’t span two different year time periods. Plus babies (especially early preemies) born to parents strapped for cash generally qualify for a state medical coverage. I think you’re getting convenient parts of stories. I hope I’m wrong. 

DH said something similar.  Here it is - niece said company states (I'm assuming here in comp literature, website, other?) that item may not be dropped off.  That's odd to me.  But, I'll abide by the rules.  Niece is checking to find out if Snoo can be picked up from our house.  She said she was going to contact them tomorrow but dh said they are closed on weekends.  So, she'll be driving to Great Lakes on Monday (leave Sunday, spend night and drive rest of way on Monday) so I'm guessing she'll contact them then.  It will be a close call b/c FE is due to pick up Tuesday.  I'll be stuck this time to helping.  Unless she cancels all together.   Or, she may (at our suggestion) see if they will approve pick up from our house.  

They are teachers.   From what I understand they do not have good insurance.  I believe, although not certain, the 80K is THEIR responsibility.  

Edited December 19, 2021 by sheryl

[Frances]

4 minutes ago, sheryl said:

They are teachers.   From what I understand they do not have good insurance.  I believe, although not certain, the 80K is THEIR responsibility.  

It’s hard to imagine the $80k is their responsibility, unless a huge chunk of the care was out of network. Most teachers have pretty good insurance because they are public employees. They may have to pay for a good chunk of it, but they have it. Plus, it seems the addition of a new baby would be a qualifying event and they could both add the baby to their coverage, so double insurance, at least for the baby.

[sheryl]

OK, everyone, thanks for the replies.  I know not to feel guilty but read one of my replies.  She made it known she might have to cancel and pay for another month which is guilt-inducing.  I don't think she meant to go down that road.  

My concern is this little baby.  My great niece!  She's innocent in all of this.  I am concerned that a pattern has developed and not sure how to stop it REALLY short of destroying a relationship with my niece.  And, all of this really wouldn't be my fault. I'm put in this position.  EX) Niece asked me to babysit a month or so ago and I said yes.  I asked that she CONFIRM 2 days before.  Did she?  No.  She confirmed day of.  I think that's disrespectful.  OK, lmk the day before at least just so I can plan my schedule if she doesn't need me.  Oh boy!  I called her on it and told her that she's done that to me 2-3 times and not continue that way.  I need confirmation.  Yes, they need me or not.  It's really simple.  

[Katy]

My mom’s favorite quote was, “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”  I don’t remember who said it.  She started using it around age 10. I might have gotten one warning. 

[sheryl]

2 minutes ago, Frances said:

It’s hard to imagine the $80k is their responsibility, unless a huge chunk of the care was out of network. Most teachers have pretty good insurance because they are public employees. They may have to pay for a good chunk of it, but they have it. Plus, it seems the addition of a new baby would be a qualifying event and they could both add the baby to their coverage, so double insurance, at least for the baby.

I could be wrong but that's not my understanding.  I asked and the previous reply is what I got.  Now, maybe she didn't understand question and I didn't the answer.  Bottom line is I don't know.  Just going on what I was told.   Insurance policies vary.  Certainly they vary state to state.  ???  Maybe theirs isn't great.  I have no clue.  Even if it's half that, it's still a lot of money.  The nanny is on the cheap side and comparable to day care b/c the nanny and niece met in hospital having babies!  The nanny is allowed, of course, to bring her baby to "work" is a benefit.  

[sheryl]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

My mom’s favorite quote was, “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”  I don’t remember who said it.  She started using it around age 10. I might have gotten one warning. 

Well, that's a keeper.  Thanks.  Copying/pasting now.  Excellent!  Thanks for sharing!

[mathnerd]

32 minutes ago, sheryl said:

So, she'll be driving to Great Lakes on Monday (leave Sunday, spend night and drive rest of way on Monday) so I'm guessing she'll contact them then.  It will be a close call b/c FE is due to pick up Tuesday.  I'll be stuck this time to helping.  Unless she cancels all together.   Or, she may (at our suggestion) see if they will approve pick up from our house.  

If she is driving, she could postpone her departure by 12 hours and leave on Monday (the same amount of time that she asks from you) and make all the phone calls and arrangements that need to be made and then leave for the vacation. Your time and your life are as important as her time and her life. So, she could easily do that out of consideration for you. I would, if it were me in that position (and I have done many such things so as not to burden anyone else with the outcomes of my decisions).

[mom2samlibby]

48 minutes ago, sheryl said:

OK, niece said their policy says customer can not drop off.  Do you have a link to send?  That would be helpful.  

This is where I saw it. Maybe she used a different rental site, but this is the one that came up when I googled. https://www.happiestbaby.com/products/snoo-rental

How do I return SNOO, when my baby is ready for a crib? 

Easy! Just click here, and we will email you a return label. Your account will be charged a $59.50 return shipping fee.

Important: Save your original SNOO box + inserts to use when you return the bed. You are responsible for any damage to SNOO related to inadequate packaging. (Use of packaging not approved by Happiest Baby—or improper use of packaging provided by Happiest Baby—may result in severe damage to the product during shipping.)

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, sheryl said:

I see you have a big heart and I would gladly do that EXCEPT this is their m.o., challenges or not.  We've all had hellish challenges but you plow through and make good decisions.  Remember at almost 40 they should have better skills (in many areas) than what they are demonstrating.

Yes, she was a little huffy and threatened to "not send it back, cancel Fed Ex and pay for the extra month".  I will have to work long and hard on this not troubling me.  I just took a 2 hour drive, thinking and praying on this very situation.  With teary eyes and all.

The part of the story that would make me think about telling her to do it herself was when she got “a little huffy.” That’s some serious entitlement right there. It may seem like she was asking you for a favor, but she wasn’t; she was making a demand in a way that she thought would get you to do it for her, and when you hesitated, she showed her true colors.

Have you considered that she doesn’t want to be bothered with the inconvenience of dropping it off at a FedEx location herself, and that it’s simply easier for her to make you go to her home and wait around all day for the FedEx guy to show up?

 

[J-rap]

I used to have someone in my life who was like that.  She was a very dear person to me, so I did want to make myself available to help her.  It took awhile to catch on to the fact that this was just her way...  It didn't matter if it was in especially difficult times, or just every day times.  She was very disorganized and always assumed people would help her.  But weirdly, it wasn't in a selfish way...  It was just in a very naive way.  She was very, very sweet.  She could hyper-focus for her job, but then kind of fell apart after that.  I wondered if she could have undiagnosed ADHD or something.  I learned that I could just say, "Sorry, but I'm unable to help you this time!"  If I could think of a good alternative, I'd recommend it to her, and maybe even explain how she could get it done herself.  She just seemed so clueless about so many things, even though she was in her late 30's, independent, had a good job, and was very smart.  It honestly seemed like something was just a little off with her. 

[sassenach]

Oof.

When I read adult kids I was thinking early 20's, not my age. You've received some good advice here. If you can, try to stop thinking of them as kids. They're not and I'm not sure it's serving them to occupy that space.