How do you accept your spouse?

[Calizzy]

Dh and I have been married for 15 years and for the most part I am happy. But there are some things about who he is that I just can’t accept and can’t let go of. These are not deal breakers, but they also aren’t trivial. This causes a lot of arguments and stress. I so wish I could just let it go and accept him for who he is, but these things just really upset me and I keep wishing that he would be different. He knows how I feel, I don’t think I just need to talk to him about it. How do you move on and be grateful for your spouse without wishing for things to change that probably never will?

[gardenmom5]

So, what things do you do that drive him crazy, but he doesn't complain?

[Resilient]

Dr Gottman talks about this in his work on marriage.  You are right on schedule for this to be an issue.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

If it isn’t something that directly hurts me or the family then I tell myself that it isn’t my business to manage another adult. If it truly hurts us (vs something that just irritates me) then we will have a discussion about why it hurts me/the family. But I don’t expect perfection. I am not the perfect spouse or parent. 

[Tap]

It really depends on the magnitude of what the things are. 

Do you hate that he leaves his dirty laundry on the floor....which is inconvenient and annoying for you to pick up, but honestly it only takes a minute out of the day)....

Do you hate that he snores so bad you can't sleep in the same room....which affects intimacy and sleep quality. 

For trivial things, I just tried to remember I probably have 2 bad habits for his one and he doesn't complain, so I shouldn't

For things like the later, that affect my quality of life, those were things that needed to be dealt with. 

I can get over small things, like someone being a bit messy, because it doesn't really affect anything in the grand scheme of things. They are just annoying.  Things that are a health safety issue, need to be addressed because in a partnership, one person can't always be the one bringing the ship down....and the other is the life preserver. Eventually, the life preserver .....gives up trying.

[Calizzy]

I’m not talking about bad habits. For example, I think he is too critical. He’s not the person who is always critical about all things all the time, but he is more critical than I am happy with. And a few other things like that.

[Katy]

3 minutes ago, Calizzy said:

I’m not talking about bad habits. For example, I think he is too critical. He’s not the person who is always critical about all things all the time, but he is more critical than I am happy with. And a few other things like that.

You change your thinking about what critical means.  Every negative thing has a positive flip side. What is good about him being critical? He’s honest and improves things. When you think that through you might find something else that bothers you. Like maybe he hurts your feelings, or one of your kids.  Maybe it’s not the critical thing, it’s the feeling thing and you or someone else isn’t feeling loved. 

Sometimes when I think through, the thing I think is bothering me isn’t what is bothering me at all.  Sometimes I’m suppressing an emotion. Sometimes it’s because DH reminds me of something really unfair from my childhood. And sometimes I just need to say, “Stop that!” Or flat out model different behavior by being happy and grateful.  Or maybe institute a rule where every night, as a couple or a family we say three things we are grateful for, and write them down. 

[Farrar]

It's hard when it affects you. I assume he's not just "too critical" but that he's also too critical of YOU, which is a whole other issue.

[Farrar]

Adding that for me and my spouse, he does have things that I have found difficult to accept, but over time I have slowly let them go because it's not my job to manage him. He's also not a reflection on me. And I don't have to do everything with him or worry about his feelings when I don't, which I really appreciate. But he's changed too and moderated some things that drove me nuts when we were younger. Not others. But I do genuinely feel like we've grown together. When I talk to friends who are most bugged by something in their longtime SO, I find they often have changed in different ways, not in together ways, over time.

[TexasProud]

A couple of things. I have a perfectionistic spouse who can be critical. He is even more critical with himself than he is with anyone else.  Here is what helped:

1. Realizing that he needs for things to be done right and to be right. To do otherwise is unacceptable for him. He must morally do what is right as he is responsible. Part of that is his profession. Anything less than perfection means affecting another human life. So imperfection is not allowed or someone could die or live with a disability.  So realizing that it is HIS problem, HIS outlook, helped it not be so personal.

2. I spoke up. Example, once I cleaned the kitchen, even swept and mopped. His only comment when he came in was, " We need to get out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum the food hiding in the corners around the finials."  Later, I explained to him that this made me feel like a failure. Nothing I did was good enough.  He explained, "I said we.  And I did it later in the day."  Yeah, that just reinforces it.  I needed him to say thank you and to notice what I did well. He did so, and it helped A TON.

3. A major medical event completely took that particular trait away. Good enough is his new mantra. Not wishing your husband to have something like that happen. Though he is sometimes still hard on himself for not being the perfect parent or whatever...though honestly, being retired from his profession took a lot of pressure off as well. He cared WAY too much. People loved that about him, but it almost killed him.

Don't know if any of that helps.

[Murphy101]

52 minutes ago, Calizzy said:

I’m not talking about bad habits. For example, I think he is too critical. He’s not the person who is always critical about all things all the time, but he is more critical than I am happy with. And a few other things like that.

Hate to tell you this but … being critical is a habit.

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Hate to tell you this but … being critical is a habit.

Perhaps, but it is also the way people are wired. We did a remodel and the contractor played a joke and twisted a star just a millimeter off and we wondered how long it would take my dh to notice. My dh came in and was talking to us about I don't remember what and as he talks, he walked over and twisted the star back.  Like, I would NEVER have noticed it. Ever.  I am not observant.  Part of my husband's make-up is noticing what needs to be fixed. That seems like a character trait and not a habit.

[lmrich]

And here is something.. my dad was super critical and all around grumpy guy. He changed dramatically when he retired. Turns out part of his job was to be critical, to find mistakes and correct them.   Just offering some insight that maybe you could dig a little deeper to see where this comes from. 

[Serenade]

9 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

So, what things do you do that drive him crazy, but he doesn't complain?

This is what I always ask about myself when I want to talk to my husband about his issues.  And when I ask myself this question, it almost always helps me to keep my mouth shut. 

[Murphy101]

47 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Perhaps, but it is also the way people are wired. We did a remodel and the contractor played a joke and twisted a star just a millimeter off and we wondered how long it would take my dh to notice. My dh came in and was talking to us about I don't remember what and as he talks, he walked over and twisted the star back.  Like, I would NEVER have noticed it. Ever.  I am not observant.  Part of my husband's make-up is noticing what needs to be fixed. That seems like a character trait and not a habit.

But that is actually not quite the same as being critical. So maybe the OP should elaborate for me.

Being critical isn’t about noticing, it’s about how they respond to what they notice.  
 

ETA:  I would be really cranky about such jokes being made at my expense. THAT was really far more criticizing of him to treat dh like that IMO. 

Edited August 2, 2021 by Murphy101

[TheReader]

With the critical thing, at least with my husband, I had to really start listening to what he was saying, and hear what he was meaning, and not interpret or translate it through what I feel when he says it. 

So, for example, like someone said upthread -- I clean the kitchen, and he notices "oh, we need to vacuum the crumbs behind there..."  -- What *he* says and means is literally, no judgement included, "oh, the kitchen looks good, but now I see that we also need to do this other thing, hmm, I should say that so I don't forget.."  He doesn't realize he's not spoken the "wow, the kitchen looks good" part out loud.  And he doesn't realize that *I* hear that as "gosh, I wish you would have cleaned the kitchen all the way, and not left xyz undone...." 

Once I learned/realized that he literally only means "this also needs doing later, by one or the other of us", and that he wasn't speaking judgment, I was able to stop hearing it through that filter. It took a while, and a lot of hurt feelings and arguments and things over the years until I realized this.  But once I did.....that helped me accept that what I was taking as criticism, wasn't. 

Also, when he steps in and does something around the house, it used to make me feel like he was annoyed I'd left it undone. Turns out, his love language is really strongly "acts of service" so when he vacuums or does dishes that I haven't done yet, he's not at all saying "dang, I wish you would have done this" but he is saying "oh, she didn't get time to do this, I'll do it for her so she doesn't have to." 

Now, I don't know the exact thing with your husband, but this is what helped me. 

[TexasProud]

30 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

But that is actually not quite the same as being critical. So maybe the OP should elaborate for me.

Being critical isn’t about noticing, it’s about how they respond to what they notice.  
 

ETA:  I would be really cranky about such jokes being made at my expense. THAT was really far more criticizing of him to treat dh like that IMO. 

Yeah, but you were not on the receiving end of lists every single day of the things my husband had "noticed."  But my husband found it pretty funny.  He is able to laugh at himself. One of his best traits is his sense of humor.

[TexasProud]

31 minutes ago, TheReader said:

With the critical thing, at least with my husband, I had to really start listening to what he was saying, and hear what he was meaning, and not interpret or translate it through what I feel when he says it. 

So, for example, like someone said upthread -- I clean the kitchen, and he notices "oh, we need to vacuum the crumbs behind there..."  -- What *he* says and means is literally, no judgement included, "oh, the kitchen looks good, but now I see that we also need to do this other thing, hmm, I should say that so I don't forget.."  He doesn't realize he's not spoken the "wow, the kitchen looks good" part out loud.  And he doesn't realize that *I* hear that as "gosh, I wish you would have cleaned the kitchen all the way, and not left xyz undone...." 

Once I learned/realized that he literally only means "this also needs doing later, by one or the other of us", and that he wasn't speaking judgment, I was able to stop hearing it through that filter. It took a while, and a lot of hurt feelings and arguments and things over the years until I realized this.  But once I did.....that helped me accept that what I was taking as criticism, wasn't. 

Also, when he steps in and does something around the house, it used to make me feel like he was annoyed I'd left it undone. Turns out, his love language is really strongly "acts of service" so when he vacuums or does dishes that I haven't done yet, he's not at all saying "dang, I wish you would have done this" but he is saying "oh, she didn't get time to do this, I'll do it for her so she doesn't have to." 

Now, I don't know the exact thing with your husband, but this is what helped me. 

Yes, I didn't explain it very well, but this is EXACTLY what my husband meant.  I don't except help very well and want to do everything myself, so I had to learn to accept help.  Yes, this is EXACTLY what my husband was thinking.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Part of my husband's make-up is noticing what needs to be fixed. That seems like a character trait and not a habit.

So my husband is an engineer and yeah, part of that is noticing what needs to be fixed. And then fixing it. (This does not extend to dirt or clutter, sigh.)

It's a problem when he wants to help fix something for someone who has not asked for help. I am very explicit when we are talking about something that I know would appear to him to be a problem, so I say "I am not asking you to fix this" or "you can't fix this, don't try, just listen to me." 

One of my kids does not like to cook when he is in the kitchen, because he will give unwanted advice. Working on that...  

I know I have my own issues and he does not complain to me about the things I do that drive him crazy. So I only comment when it's something potentially hurtful to our kids or relationship-hindering with people outside our family. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I have been known to say, “I need to hear 10 nice things now” after hearing something critical.  Not often but occasionally.  It is actually very endearing to hear DH trying very hard to think of 10 nice things to say.

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, marbel said:

So my husband is an engineer and yeah, part of that is noticing what needs to be fixed. And then fixing it. (This does not extend to dirt or clutter, sigh.)

It's a problem when he wants to help fix something for someone who has not asked for help. I am very explicit when we are talking about something that I know would appear to him to be a problem, so I say "I am not asking you to fix this" or "you can't fix this, don't try, just listen to me." 

One of my kids does not like to cook when he is in the kitchen, because he will give unwanted advice. Working on that...  

I know I have my own issues and he does not complain to me about the things I do that drive him crazy. So I only comment when it's something potentially hurtful to our kids or relationship-hindering with people outside our family. 

Yeah and see that is a difference I have. My husband would jump in and fix the vacuum cleaner because I mentioned it was broken, even after a long day of surgery or do a science experiment with a kid. He didn't know how to rest and could not rest if I needed something done. I have never given him a to do list ever. Things are always fixed immediately, before I have time to ask.

Now, on talking to him. He DIDN"T give solutions. Some people would be thrilled at what he does. He validates me, listens to me, but doesn't offer solutions, WHICH IS WHAT I WANT.   I get VERY VERY frustrated with things with no solution. ( Hence Covid really bothers me. I cannot fix it.) So when we had the problem that I was home 24/7, but an extrovert who needed to be out with people and he was an introvert who was with people 24/7 and just wanted to be home alone, dates were an issue. He would go if pressed, but really wouldn't have fun. He had spent his social capital at work. That never really got fixed until he retired.   Well, not quite true. Once I had only one kid left, I went back to work which helped me a ton. 

[Not_a_Number]

Yeah, I'm not sure. I actually think it's a hard balance -- figuring out what kinds of things to accept and which kinds of things to actually stand your ground about. 

I know that my initial instinct is always to just put up with things/have conversations, and those instincts didn't always serve me well, because they'd make me resentful in the long run. So right now, I lean much more on the side of "being clear what's not negotiable," but then letting everything else go. 

But I am not sure what happens if the other person also won't go along with your non-negotiables, or perhaps promises to do those things but does not. I'm still figuring that out 🤷‍♀️

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

Hate to tell you this but … being critical is a habit.

Yep.  It sure is.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, TheReader said:

With the critical thing, at least with my husband, I had to really start listening to what he was saying, and hear what he was meaning, and not interpret or translate it through what I feel when he says it. 

So, for example, like someone said upthread -- I clean the kitchen, and he notices "oh, we need to vacuum the crumbs behind there..."  -- What *he* says and means is literally, no judgement included, "oh, the kitchen looks good, but now I see that we also need to do this other thing, hmm, I should say that so I don't forget.."  He doesn't realize he's not spoken the "wow, the kitchen looks good" part out loud.  And he doesn't realize that *I* hear that as "gosh, I wish you would have cleaned the kitchen all the way, and not left xyz undone...." 

Once I learned/realized that he literally only means "this also needs doing later, by one or the other of us", and that he wasn't speaking judgment, I was able to stop hearing it through that filter. It took a while, and a lot of hurt feelings and arguments and things over the years until I realized this.  But once I did.....that helped me accept that what I was taking as criticism, wasn't. 

Also, when he steps in and does something around the house, it used to make me feel like he was annoyed I'd left it undone. Turns out, his love language is really strongly "acts of service" so when he vacuums or does dishes that I haven't done yet, he's not at all saying "dang, I wish you would have done this" but he is saying "oh, she didn't get time to do this, I'll do it for her so she doesn't have to." 

Now, I don't know the exact thing with your husband, but this is what helped me. 

This is my husband.  We actually exchanged heated words last night because each of us wanted to clean the kitchen.  LOL.  I won.  He had cooked and I insisted he let me clean.  

[Amy Gen]

12 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I lean much more on the side of "being clear what's not negotiable," but then letting everything else go. 

This is what I do as well. I’ve been married almost 30 years, and I do remember dissatisfaction around the 15 year mark. It stands out to me because my own parents divorced after 15 years.
 

I just want to point out that what is not negotiable has changed for me over the years. In my family, we tend to “take things seriously”. By this I mean that things are a big deal to us that are not even a blip to other people. This has some good points, but it can also be emotionally draining. 
 

Five out of five of my kids have anxiety and they clearly inherited it from me. My oncologist thinks I now have PTSD from my brush with death due to blood clots and advanced cancer, which means that many of my coping mechanisms that worked before I got sick aren’t working for me anymore. 
 

Since I have been medicated for my anxiety, I can see how much anxiety contributes to my making a mountain out of a mole hill. I don’t feel like I’m more passive or too accepting now.I’m  not on a SSRI, just Buspar and a beta blocker to control the physical manifestations of my anxiety, but there is such a big difference in my ability to see situations more clearly and really evaluate what is and is not negotiable for me. 
 

Before being medicated, I’d obsessively ruminate on Dh’s flaws or an imagined slight. Now, when that process starts, I’m able to say, “Number one, that is not even an issue at all. Number two, it happened ten years ago. You need to move on and think about something else.” And I have the help to actually be able to do it. 
 

Issues in my friend group used to keep me from sleeping for weeks at a time. Now, I don’t ignore them, but I take action, say what I need to say, and am able to not constantly dwell on it. 
 

I wanted to mention this because I think Not a Number has the right idea. This is what I try to do in my relationships with my kids as well, but it only works for me when I can accurately discern what is truly negotiable and what isn’t. 

[marbel]

42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

This is my husband.  We actually exchanged heated words last night because each of us wanted to clean the kitchen.  LOL.  I won.  He had cooked and I insisted he let me clean.  

Couldn't you clean the kitchen together? 

Actually this can be a point of contention in my house. There are things that only my husband can do in our house. Cleaning the kitchen is not one of them. I would much prefer that he leave the kitchen work to me. I am faster at it and do things more completely. Though he is a fixer, there are things that need to be fixed that I'd rather he do than clean the kitchen. Like, if he has time to do one thing... don't pick kitchen work.  

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, marbel said:

Couldn't you clean the kitchen together? 

Actually this can be a point of contention in my house. There are things that only my husband can do in our house. Cleaning the kitchen is not one of them. I would much prefer that he leave the kitchen work to me. I am faster at it and do things more completely. Though he is a fixer, there are things that need to be fixed that I'd rather he do than clean the kitchen. Like, if he has time to do one thing... don't pick kitchen work.  

Our kitchen is small, but worse than that it has a corner sink that makes it near impossible for two people to work together to clean up.  We cook together....and lately that involves me reading Hello Fresh instructions to him....he follows my instructions and I sit at the  bar. 🙂

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, marbel said:

Couldn't you clean the kitchen together? 

Actually this can be a point of contention in my house. There are things that only my husband can do in our house. Cleaning the kitchen is not one of them. I would much prefer that he leave the kitchen work to me. I am faster at it and do things more completely. Though he is a fixer, there are things that need to be fixed that I'd rather he do than clean the kitchen. Like, if he has time to do one thing... don't pick kitchen work.  

Sometimes he will clean everything except the counters and stove...he knows I am super picky about my stove so he leaves that to me after he gets his part done.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ways I handle things like (in my case micromanaging):

1)  Ignore it and do what I was going to do anyway which looks like doing what he said to do because I was already going to do it.  I figure why argue over something I was going to do anyway?

2) Ignore it and do what I was going to do anyway which is not the same as what he wants me to do.  He can deal with the fact that I do it differently.  (This isn't done defiantly but I don't "answer to him" as an adult.)

3)  Make a joke.  We often use humor to tell someone to back off.  Not passive-aggressively.  Just relaxed.

4.  Tell him to "knock it off". 

I don't feel the need to fix an adult's habits.  I don't feel the need to be God the Holy Spirit in an adult Christian's life.  I am responsible for my reactions which can certainly include speaking up. 

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, Farrar said:

But I do genuinely feel like we've grown together. When I talk to friends who are most bugged by something in their longtime SO, I find they often have changed in different ways, not in together ways, over time.

QFT 

I don't know if this applies to the OP, but it's worth exploring. 

[marbel]

31 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Our kitchen is small, but worse than that it has a corner sink that makes it near impossible for two people to work together to clean up.  We cook together....and lately that involves me reading Hello Fresh instructions to him....he follows my instructions and I sit at the  bar. 🙂

Ah, I get you. We have a corner sink too and it's super inconvenient!   

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, marbel said:

Ah, I get you. We have a corner sink too and it's super inconvenient!   

Isn’t it the worst? I always one of my friends are building a house to never do a corner sinkI always one of my friends are building a house to never do a corner sink

[fraidycat]

5 hours ago, Calizzy said:

I’m not talking about bad habits. For example, I think he is too critical. He’s not the person who is always critical about all things all the time, but he is more critical than I am happy with. And a few other things like that.

In a situation like this, I feel free to also express my own thoughts/opinion as a counterbalance or different perspective. It depends on what he might be critical about. If the criticism is directed at myself or another person in a non-constructive/mean/snarky manner, then I am more direct and tell him in no uncertain terms that "speaking like that is not OK, and you owe _____ an apology".

[BlsdMama]

14 hours ago, Resilient said:

Dr Gottman talks about this in his work on marriage.  You are right on schedule for this to be an issue.  

It’s funny - the schedule thing. It’s true though, somewhere after 15 and before 25. 

[Clarita]

I'm a critical person. I think something that really helped me was this stupid thing they made us do at my old job. It was sort of a two-fold program one was we had to write public "Thank you" messages to our co-workers, minimum 3 per quarter. The second one wasn't tracked but essentially we were told before giving anyone criticism we needed to think whether it was constructive or not, then we needed to preface the criticism with saying something positive to the person first. 

First quarter most of us ignored the program, because it sounds really childish. Second quarter they gave out prizes/awards and "made" us do it (it became part of our performance reviews). By the time the annual performance review came about it was one of the favorite programs the company did, we were all still critical with our work but we were noticeably nicer to each other.

Maybe you can try implementing something like that with your family. Involve your kids so there's some competition there.     

[Alicia64]

9 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Perhaps, but it is also the way people are wired. We did a remodel and the contractor played a joke and twisted a star just a millimeter off and we wondered how long it would take my dh to notice. My dh came in and was talking to us about I don't remember what and as he talks, he walked over and twisted the star back.  Like, I would NEVER have noticed it. Ever.  I am not observant.  Part of my husband's make-up is noticing what needs to be fixed. That seems like a character trait and not a habit.

This is my dad EXACTLY. My parents have a pretty display of pitchers in their dining room window. We moved one pitcher like an inch over to see what my day woul do. Yep, he walked in and fixed it within thirty seconds.

[Murphy101]

8 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but you were not on the receiving end of lists every single day of the things my husband had "noticed."  But my husband found it pretty funny.  He is able to laugh at himself. One of his best traits is his sense of humor.

Notes for YOU or for the guy he is paying to do the job? I think it’s entirely appropriate to leave the notes for the contractor. 

And yeah. If you say your Dh didn’t mind then, I certainly am in no position to say otherwise and won’t. But I am going to point out that put in that situation, laughing is the only socially acceptable option so I’d probably laugh too.  Wouldn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by it and personally, *I* would be,  I’d think it was a passive aggressive jab at me. 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Notes for YOU or for the guy he is paying to do the job? I think it’s entirely appropriate to leave the notes for the contractor. 

And yeah. If you say your Dh didn’t mind then, I certainly am in no position to say otherwise and won’t. But I am going to point out that put in that situation, laughing is the only socially acceptable option so I’d probably laugh too.  Wouldn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by it and personally, *I* would be,  I’d think it was a passive aggressive jab at me. 

I guess. I am sorry, but no one I know lists out 15 or more things EVERY DAY for a contractor to do. No one.  Now that said, this was almost a decade ago. We just finished remodeling and he is like a totally different person. He let so many things go that he would have demanded be fixed to his standards, but then again he painted everything because no one can paint as perfectly as he does.  I know my husband. He was fine with it. Really. And he teases me over TONS and TONS of stuff. That is one of the few things I got him for. If you can't take it, don't dish it out. 

[katilac]

13 hours ago, TheReader said:

With the critical thing, at least with my husband, I had to really start listening to what he was saying, and hear what he was meaning, and not interpret or translate it through what I feel when he says it. 

So, for example, like someone said upthread -- I clean the kitchen, and he notices "oh, we need to vacuum the crumbs behind there..."  -- What *he* says and means is literally, no judgement included, "oh, the kitchen looks good, but now I see that we also need to do this other thing, hmm, I should say that so I don't forget.."  He doesn't realize he's not spoken the "wow, the kitchen looks good" part out loud.  And he doesn't realize that *I* hear that as "gosh, I wish you would have cleaned the kitchen all the way, and not left xyz undone...." 

Once I learned/realized that he literally only means "this also needs doing later, by one or the other of us", and that he wasn't speaking judgment, I was able to stop hearing it through that filter. It took a while, and a lot of hurt feelings and arguments and things over the years until I realized this.  But once I did.....that helped me accept that what I was taking as criticism, wasn't. 

Yes to the idea that it may not actually be criticism, but I still don't want to hear it 😄 and will say something like, we are not talking about the crumbs that need vacuuming right now, we are admiring this beautifully clean and organized refrigerator. Put that shizzle on a master list you can refer to if it's so important to you, don't interupt my validation to talk about it, lol. Now he'll do the same thing, and so will our kids: I'm halfway through XYZ, come admire my work! 

So, a certain level of working to hear it as he intends it is certainly legit, but should definitely be coupled with a certain level of him working not to say it to begin with. 

[Carol in Cal.]

22 minutes ago, katilac said:

Yes to the idea that it may not actually be criticism, but I still don't want to hear it 😄 and will say something like, we are not talking about the crumbs that need vacuuming right now, we are admiring this beautifully clean and organized refrigerator. Put that shizzle on a master list you can refer to if it's so important to you, don't interupt my validation to talk about it, lol. Now he'll do the same thing, and so will our kids: I'm halfway through XYZ, come admire my work! 

So, a certain level of working to hear it as he intends it is certainly legit, but should definitely be coupled with a certain level of him working not to say it to begin with. 

Heh, we once had a bit of a discussion about something like this.

I was pointing out what the focus SHOULD BE in my mind, and he said, "That goes without saying!"  And I was all like, "NO IT DOES NOT GO WITHOUT SAYING.  IT'S A GOOD THING THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID."

[TheReader]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

Yes to the idea that it may not actually be criticism, but I still don't want to hear it 😄 and will say something like, we are not talking about the crumbs that need vacuuming right now, we are admiring this beautifully clean and organized refrigerator. Put that shizzle on a master list you can refer to if it's so important to you, don't interupt my validation to talk about it, lol. Now he'll do the same thing, and so will our kids: I'm halfway through XYZ, come admire my work! 

So, a certain level of working to hear it as he intends it is certainly legit, but should definitely be coupled with a certain level of him working not to say it to begin with. 

Oh, absolutely that too! Yes. 

 

[katilac]

11 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

NO IT DOES NOT GO WITHOUT SAYING

GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME MUST ALWAYS BE SAID!! 🤣

[HS Mom in NC]

On 8/2/2021 at 2:46 AM, Tap said:

Do you hate that he snores so bad you can't sleep in the same room....which affects intimacy

Please stop spreading this myth-spreading it damages the marriages of couples that would benefit from separate sleep when they buy into the nonsense that they must sleep in the same bed. You don't want that on your conscience.  Couples with healthy relationships who sleep separately do not experience intimacy issues of any kind because of it.  People in unhealthy relationships that sleep separately do experience intimacy issues because they have an unhealthy aspect of their relationship that needs addressing-sleep location is irrelevant.

Separate sleep it doesn't affect frequency either. My husband and I have always had significantly higher than average numbers (based on reports that come out periodically in the news and on the internet) even though we haven't shared sleep in 20 years due to his snoring and his combination early bird/light sleeper temperament. If walking down the hallway to a different room discourages frequent sex and/or emotional closeness, then it's time to see a licensed professional to address what's really going on.

[Jean in Newcastle]

13 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Please stop spreading this myth-spreading it damages the marriages of couples that would benefit from separate sleep when they buy into the nonsense that they must sleep in the same bed. You don't want that on your conscience.  Couples with healthy relationships who sleep separately do not experience intimacy issues of any kind because of it.  People in unhealthy relationships that sleep separately do experience intimacy issues because they have an unhealthy aspect of their relationship that needs addressing-sleep location is irrelevant.

Separate sleep it doesn't affect frequency either. My husband and I have always had significantly higher than average numbers (based on reports that come out periodically in the news and on the internet) even though we haven't shared sleep in 20 years due to his snoring and his combination early bird/light sleeper temperament. If walking down the hallway to a different room discourages frequent sex and/or emotional closeness, then it's time to see a licensed professional to address what's really going on.

Thank you.  I don't share a room with my husband and haven't for years.  Not because of a lack of intimacy.  And not because of snoring either.  I sleep separately because I am up often due to pain and insomnia.  Our marriage is just fine. 

[TheReader]

3 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Please stop spreading this myth-spreading it damages the marriages of couples that would benefit from separate sleep when they buy into the nonsense that they must sleep in the same bed. You don't want that on your conscience.  Couples with healthy relationships who sleep separately do not experience intimacy issues of any kind because of it.  People in unhealthy relationships that sleep separately do experience intimacy issues because they have an unhealthy aspect of their relationship that needs addressing-sleep location is irrelevant.

Separate sleep it doesn't affect frequency either. My husband and I have always had significantly higher than average numbers (based on reports that come out periodically in the news and on the internet) even though we haven't shared sleep in 20 years due to his snoring and his combination early bird/light sleeper temperament. If walking down the hallway to a different room discourages frequent sex and/or emotional closeness, then it's time to see a licensed professional to address what's really going on.

along these lines, we used to co-sleep our kids. Some friends found out about that while I was pregnant with our 3rd, and asked, incredulous, "but then, how did....? I mean, how are you *pregnant* if the kids still sleep in your bed with you???" 

They were *more* incredulous when I answered that there are times other than bedtime for that to take place.  

All that to say -- yes, sleeping arrangements alone do not indicate the health of/impact the health of a marriage. 

[hippymamato3]

My husband once told me that all the things I perceive as flaws are things he loves because I'm his forever. I am a far more flawed, difficult person than he is, so I try to emulate him. 

[HS Mom in NC]

25 minutes ago, TheReader said:

along these lines, we used to co-sleep our kids. Some friends found out about that while I was pregnant with our 3rd, and asked, incredulous, "but then, how did....? I mean, how are you *pregnant* if the kids still sleep in your bed with you???" 

They were *more* incredulous when I answered that there are times other than bedtime for that to take place.  

All that to say -- yes, sleeping arrangements alone do not indicate the health of/impact the health of a marriage. 

Yep.  Same for us when we had littles.

Usually it's a fussy man worrying he isn't going to have enough sex who says separate sleeping will decrease intimacy and then he's jealous when if we let on that we have sex other times and places throughout the day.  Hey, Mr. Fussy, wouldn't you like a wet and wild Wednesday in the shower more regularly when then littles are sleeping in the masterbedroom? Or an afternooner while the kids are watching a movie in the family room? Seriously, Dude, it doesn't really require that much imagination.  Get a baby monitor and explore your space with your spouse.

[Lecka]

It would be a loss of intimacy for me, but I do not judge other couples about it.  I think there are so many ways to have intimacy and no one thing is make or break.  

My husband uses a C-PAP machine and I am able to sleep while it’s on, but I can see how it would be hard for someone to sleep while it was on.  I wouldn’t think it was odd.  

[GracieJane]

I am very happily married, and I attribute it primarily to how little we say things out loud. If I had to pick my guiding life principle, it would probably be: „speak less“. 😉

Most (negative) things in marriage do not need to be vocalized. 99% of frustrations have a life span less than 24 hours and the unfortunate consequences of speaking them aloud last much longer. When you have learned to restrain your speech, your words carry much more weight, which is what you need to address the remaining 1% of serious problems.

Edited August 3, 2021 by GracieJane

[Scarlett]

47 minutes ago, GracieJane said:

I am very happily married, and I attribute it primarily to how little we say things out loud. If I had to pick my guiding life principle, it would probably be: „speak less“. 😉

Most (negative) things in marriage do not need to be vocalized. 99% of frustrations have a life span less than 24 hours and the unfortunate consequences of speaking them aloud last much longer. When you have learned to restrain your speech, your words carry much more weight, which is what you need to address the remaining 1% of serious problems.

Such wise advice.  I know it has been true over my married life.  I am still working on it.  There is a balance for sure….no one wants to be a doormat but so many things could just be let go.