Traveling spouses -JAWM

[Rachel]

JAWM

 

Most of the time it’s no big deal. We have a good routine when my husband is gone, we have good kids that are easy to manage. My husband is home on weekends and easily accessible via phone or text most of the time. This week I’m struggling, I am so over the travel!

 

A big project, 2 years in planning, is finally going to construction. There are more in person meetings and things that can’t be handled via conference call. Everyone is trying to squeeze one last thing in before the end of the year. I can’t even keep track of which town or state my husband is in.

 

I asked about travel for the rest of December and there is some every week but Christmas. We have family visiting the week before and the week after Christmas too adding to my stress. I just want to fast forward to January.

 

Once construction starts if the project is going well, things will normalize. If not, the travel could get way worse.

[Guinevere]

Oh yeah.

 

It seems like dh always leaves when we are sick or have big plans, both of which apply this week.  I always have to remind myself that having a dh around on a regular basis is just not my life, and I just need to never plan on him being able to help me.  That way I don't get disappointed or overwhelmed when reality hits.  

 

Ugh.

[chiguirre]

BTDT. It's hard.

[EMS83]

:grouphug:  to all.

[Rachel]

Oh yeah.

 

It seems like dh always leaves when we are sick or have big plans, both of which apply this week. I always have to remind myself that having a dh around on a regular basis is just not my life, and I just need to never plan on him being able to help me. That way I don't get disappointed or overwhelmed when reality hits.

 

Ugh.

Oh yes, the illness does always seem to hit when he is gone. Thankfully we are all healthy right now and the weather has been nice so the kids are getting lots of outside time.

[Just Kate]

I’m sorry and I will definitely JAWY. My dh travels for work. He is in the oil and gas Industry and is typically gone for two weeks and then home for a week. Usually it’s okay. But them sometimes I have to travel (just a tiny bit) for my job and I get super stressed out. Or I get exhausted running my kids to their activities in the evenings and I just wish that I had some help. So I definitely understand where you’re coming from.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I JAWY. It’s tough. I hear you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that December is the worst.  Of course dh always has at least one trip in December. . .

[Ausmumof3]

Totally agree with you... It's not fun when there's too much.

[Junie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

[importswim]

I'm so sorry, I totally get it. Most of the time it's fine but there are those moments when you want to scream, or throw something, or eat ice cream while crying on the couch (or all three!)

 

My DH was home this Thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years. He'll be gone for Christmas but this year I'm taking the kids and flying up to where he will be. DH just transitioned into a new job and it has been an awful year.

[TechWife]

I understand. DH is hitting two other continents this week, which means time changes and flight times make it nearly impossible to connect in "real time." Then he travels next week and is off for two weeks - yay! 

[Caroline]

I understand. DH is hitting two other continents this week, which means time changes and flight times make it nearly impossible to connect in "real time." Then he travels next week and is off for two weeks - yay!

When my DH is in India, we can almost never talk real time. Europe is a little better, but it’s still a pain. And I will admit that I get jealous of room service.

[Guinevere]

When my DH is in India, we can almost never talk real time. Europe is a little better, but it’s still a pain. And I will admit that I get jealous of room service.

Room service! I know!

[Rachel]

Room service! I know!

Room service sounds heavenly right now!

[Rachel]

When my DH is in India, we can almost never talk real time. Europe is a little better, but it’s still a pain. And I will admit that I get jealous of room service.

My friend’s husband goes to China a few times a year for about 3 weeks. She usually only gets to actually talk to him once. They have triplets, I think I would go crazy!

[medawyn]

Yup. DH is in Korea this week. We know he has at least two more international trips before the end of the year, but we won’t know exactly when until about three days before. Ugh. He is going to be home for Christmas, at least.

 

Of course, he’s also headed to Singapore on Feb 3. I’m due with number 4 on Jan 29. Here’s hoping for an early-ish baby and a successful VBAC, because otherwise...

 

And I’ve pretty much (nicely) forbidden my DH to talk about any of his food or sleeping through the night experiences. I know he really misses his family, but occasionally I think that chance would be a fine thing.

[Lawana]

I know I am an empty nester now, but I sure can JAWY.

 

Ice storm and lose power for three days and home by myself with a baby and toddler and no heat? While dh is in sunny Southern California? Check

 

Dh out of town and dd floods the bathroom and garage? Check

 

Dd diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and is hospitalized while I learn how to check blood sugar, count carbs, give insulin shots? Where else would dh be?

 

Dh's frail mother, who lives with us, falls and breaks her pelvis while having a heart attack? You think dh would be in town??? Hahahahaha

 

I think you get the picture.

 

So yes, I will be more than happy to sympathize with you. We lived to tell the story, and you will too. Hang in there.

 

Just wait until your dc are young adults. Let the good times roll. 😳

[Rachel]

Yup. DH is in Korea this week. We know he has at least two more international trips before the end of the year, but we won’t know exactly when until about three days before. Ugh. He is going to be home for Christmas, at least.

 

Of course, he’s also headed to Singapore on Feb 3. I’m due with number 4 on Jan 29. Here’s hoping for an early-ish baby and a successful VBAC, because otherwise...

 

And I’ve pretty much (nicely) forbidden my DH to talk about any of his food or sleeping through the night experiences. I know he really misses his family, but occasionally I think that chance would be a fine thing.

Oh wow! How are you holding things together? Do you have help for after the new baby arrives?

 

I’m glad you all get it. I don’t mind that he travels most of the time, but when it gets to me it really gets to me.

[prairiewindmomma]

Preach it, sisters.

 

It feels like single parenting more often than it should.....not only the being the only parent at home part but also the fact that you're living very different lifestyles.

 

Dh gave up his carry on suitcase this week and took a 30% pay cut because the grind was too much on relationships--especially his with the kids.

[solascriptura]

I hear ya. My dh basically never unpacks his bag. He changes out the clothing, but the bag sits by the front door waiting to be picked up Sunday night or Monday morning.

[TechWife]

When my DH is in India, we can almost never talk real time. Europe is a little better, but it’s still a pain. And I will admit that I get jealous of room service.

 

Sometimes I get jealous of the views! He's in Sydney today and the view from his window is beautiful! I'm sure his Singapore view will be good as well, it's such a beautiful place. 

[TechWife]

I'm so sorry, I totally get it. Most of the time it's fine but there are those moments when you want to scream, or throw something, or eat ice cream while crying on the couch (or all three!)

 

My DH was home this Thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years. He'll be gone for Christmas but this year I'm taking the kids and flying up to where he will be. DH just transitioned into a new job and it has been an awful year.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[TechWife]

 We lived to tell the story, and you will too. Hang in there.

 

 

We have a  family joke that if dh is home, then whatever big weather event is predicted won't happen.

 

I've been pregnant and alone in a hurricane.

 

Then there was the time that it snowed 22" overnight when snow wasn't even predicted. Then temps were really low for several days (it's been a long time, but I think it was around 10 degrees) and then there was another snowstorm before the first one melted - all unheard of in our neck of the woods, much less to have them all happen together like that. But, the electricity stayed on! 

 

There have been a few more less drastic weather events, but he misses the big ones! 

[TechWife]

Preach it, sisters.

 

It feels like single parenting more often than it should.....not only the being the only parent at home part but also the fact that you're living very different lifestyles.

 

Dh gave up his carry on suitcase this week and took a 30% pay cut because the grind was too much on relationships--especially his with the kids.

 

Re-entry could be quite difficult when ds was little - we had to work to make it seem like everything wasn't getting turned upside down. 

 

The job change - what a huge step! I hope everything goes well and that he likes his new position! 

[musicianmom]

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Edited May 21, 2022 by musicianmom

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs to you all

[Random]

I know I am an empty nester now, but I sure can JAWY.

 

Ice storm and lose power for three days and home by myself with a baby and toddler and no heat? While dh is in sunny Southern California? Check

 

Dh out of town and dd floods the bathroom and garage? Check

 

Dd diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and is hospitalized while I learn how to check blood sugar, count carbs, give insulin shots? Where else would dh be?

 

Dh's frail mother, who lives with us, falls and breaks her pelvis while having a heart attack? You think dh would be in town??? Hahahahaha

 

I think you get the picture.

 

So yes, I will be more than happy to sympathize with you. We lived to tell the story, and you will too. Hang in there.

 

Just wait until your dc are young adults. Let the good times roll. 😳

 

Oh my, yes. 

 

Illness, broken bones, ER trips, major storms, power outages with small frightened children...I can relate!

 

And why do plumbing problems always happen when Dh is traveling?

 

We are a hardy group of strong women! 

[Random]

Preach it, sisters.

 

It feels like single parenting more often than it should.....not only the being the only parent at home part but also the fact that you're living very different lifestyles.

 

Dh gave up his carry on suitcase this week and took a 30% pay cut because the grind was too much on relationships--especially his with the kids.

 

Wow.  Good for him and you and the kids.  If we had this option, we would take it in a heartbeat!

[Mabelen]

Wanting to end crazy international travel is what brought us here from the U.K.

 

Once, when our oldest was around 6 months old, dh had just come back from yet another two back-to-back two-week trips to the Far East and the US (both coasts), and she totally ignored him like "who is even this guy again"?

 

He still travels but much less so internationally, so at least we usually only deal with a three hour difference at the most.

[Laura Corin]

It's hard, and not just for the person left at home. Husband feels guilty about all the times over the years when I was left to deal. Including that time in the typhoon...

[Zinnia]

Mine only travels every other week, and I still have my moments. Like most of the time, it's fine, it's all good....but some days, I just get tired. Really tired.

[Miss Tick]

At the moment I'm just bitter about how long the coffee takes when I'm the only one doing the adult stuff in the mornings.

 

Oh, and I always feel a little embarrassed when people ask where he is out what the meeting is about. Ack, I rarely know! I am putting all my mental energy in making sure my dc get to where they need to be and get home and get fed. Since dh is capable of handling his own schedule I don't try, but I feel a teensy but like an idiot when these things come up.

 

We're with you in spirit, OP!

[skimomma]

I hear you!  I often don't even know where dh is.  I get the trips and locations mixed up.  There is also some sort of rule that we get huge amounts of snow when dh is gone.  Once we got 48 inches.  I couldn't find anyone willing to plow out the drive for any amount of money nor could I find a willing taxi to hire so had to resort to snowshoeing to work.  There is nothing quite like standing in front of a lecture hall of students looking like a defeated, sweaty, rat.  I have shoveled the roof with a baby monitor in my pocket.  The furnace especially enjoys crapping out when he is gone.  These things never happen when he is in town.

 

One thing that we struggle with is adjusting to when he IS here.  During high season, dh is gone far more than when he is here.  We all look forward to being together then always seem to be a little blindsided when we find it difficult.

[mommyoffive]

I totally here you a traveling spouse is so hard and stressful. 

 

Dh used to travel out of the country.  Those Asia trips are brutal.  But the last 2 years has done domestic travel.  But I hardly know where he is and everything is last minute.  I keep tabs on him by checking where his hotel stays are. 

 

 

 

Is there a bright side at all?  Do you get to go with him?  Use his airline or hotel points for a vacation?   

[Spryte]

I hear you. Totally agree.

 

It’s hard.

 

Germs always hit us when he leaves, and the ER trips, oh my. So stressful alone

 

International travel and time zones - we don’t even get to talk half the time.

 

DH goes to very interesting and varied places. And I insist that he schedule an extra day before or after in the new places for sightseeing. Sometimes I regret that because I want him home. And sometimes I feel envious.

 

When the envy hits, I plan our vacations. DH knows that if he’s gone a lot over 4 - 6 weeks, he’ll come home to vacation plans. :)

 

 

ETA: we could go with him on many trips, but DS’s allergies are airborne and he’s had anaphylaxis on a plane. So - no flights till he outgrows more. Ugh! With DD dying to go to Paris, and DH there frequently, it’s a bummer.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Spryte

[Rachel]

I totally here you a traveling spouse is so hard and stressful.

 

Dh used to travel out of the country. Those Asia trips are brutal. But the last 2 years has done domestic travel. But I hardly know where he is and everything is last minute. I keep tabs on him by checking where his hotel stays are.

 

 

 

Is there a bright side at all? Do you get to go with him? Use his airline or hotel points for a vacation?

There are definitely bright sides. He goes to Houston about once a month and my grandparents live near there so we tag along a couple times a year. My kids have been to 28 states and DC and we are adding more all the time. We have gotten to do and see a lot of interesting things in those places.

 

I got to go to San Diego with him twice this year. The second time we used airline miles to turn the trip into a real family vacation.

 

We get so many free hotel rooms we can’t use them all! I’ve used them for weekends away with friends, homeschool conventions, and visiting family. He is currently elite status with Marriott and Hilton! Only because he switched mid year but still.

 

I have to say he is good about taking the kids off to do something with just him after he’s been gone. I also have a good friend who has grown kids and lived a similar life. She is really good about noticing when I need a break and offering to watch the kids for an afternoon. She has helped out when I’ve gotten sick. She is a huge blessing!

Edited November 29, 2017 by Rach

[Rachel]

I hear you! I often don't even know where dh is. I get the trips and locations mixed up. There is also some sort of rule that we get huge amounts of snow when dh is gone. Once we got 48 inches. I couldn't find anyone willing to plow out the drive for any amount of money nor could I find a willing taxi to hire so had to resort to snowshoeing to work. There is nothing quite like standing in front of a lecture hall of students looking like a defeated, sweaty, rat. I have shoveled the roof with a baby monitor in my pocket. The furnace especially enjoys crapping out when he is gone. These things never happen when he is in town.

 

One thing that we struggle with is adjusting to when he IS here. During high season, dh is gone far more than when he is here. We all look forward to being together then always seem to be a little blindsided when we find it difficult.

There is definitely an adjustment period when he gets home. It’s tough on him and on us. We have low key Friday nights watching a movie and eating pizza in the living room. It helps ease everyone back into being together.

[importswim]

It's hard, and not just for the person left at home. Husband feels guilty about all the times over the years when I was left to deal. Including that time in the typhoon...

Yes! I try to remind myself all of the time that DH has it much worse than me. Hotel rooms all start to look the same and he'd much rather be at home with us (even if he absolutely loves his job). I, at least, get to spend lots of time with our friends and have a place to go for holidays since someone in our friend group always looks out for us. I can't imagine how lonely it is to be staring down Christmas on the road (which is why we are flying up to be with him this year).

[TravelingChris]

Dh traveled a lot during his years in the military and is still travelling frequently. I hear you how bad it can be--- I have lived through it.  Giant snowstorms and no dh=yes.  Er visits- Yes.  Birthdays and holidays away- yes. 

 

My middle dd is worried that her husband is going to be working nights.  I keep reminding her that I often had no husband for weeks, if not months.

[skimomma]

There is definitely an adjustment period when he gets home. It’s tough on him and on us. We have low key Friday nights watching a movie and eating pizza in the living room. It helps ease everyone back into being together.

 

 

Dh often comes in on the 1am flight so his re-entry into family life is usually a hectic morning when he hasn't gotten enough sleep.  And he is not a morning person.  This is probably why it is usually so rough.  On the rare trip that he gets the mid-afternoon flight (we only have two), things go much smoother.

[Carrie12345]

Yup.

 

It's been better here lately than it used to be, but that recognition only goes so far after a while, lol.  I try to write places and dates down, but I still get them mixed up.  When dh leaves the house for work, the kids still ask him how many nights it's going to be, not really considering it might be a regular work day.

 

ETA:  To be fair, I've called him and asked if he was "away" or coming home because I've forgotten.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Carrie12345

[musicianmom]

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Edited May 21, 2022 by musicianmom

[Mabelen]

The first week in the US, while still in hotel accommodations, my dh had to travel for a week. The week a hurricane was coming.

 

Then, once already in our new home, he had to travel again. We had a car but I was not covered by our auto insurance without a local driving license. I went down to the DMV to take the test and they would not accept the documentation I brought. I had specifically asked my bank for a bank statement addressed to my name with my new address in it. Instead, they sent one without it. I went back t the bank, they couldn't produce one on the spot! I went back to the DMV, they still wouldn't let me take the test. I was so frustrated that I even cried. Eventually I asked for a supervisor, who after explaining my circumstances, let me through.

 

Of course, I had to have a miscarriage in the middle of the night while my dh was away in Germany. The nurse I was on the phone with had to call the ambulance while I called my friend to come and stay with my older child.

 

Miraculously, my dh was home during the biggest nor'easter we ever lived through. For that I am extremely grateful. It took three days for snow plows to even get to our street.

 

On the plus side, the air miles come in handy to visit family (although it is because of his traveling that we are so far away from them in the first place). The thing I enjoy the most is the hotel points. Every year we manage to get a few nights away courtesy of dh's travels.

[solascriptura]

The first week in the US, while still in hotel accommodations, my dh had to travel for a week. The week a hurricane was coming.

 

Then, once already in our new home, he had to travel again. We had a car but I was not covered by our auto insurance without a local driving license. I went down to the DMV to take the test and they would not accept the documentation I brought. I had specifically asked my bank for a bank statement addressed to my name with my new address in it. Instead, they sent one without it. I went back t the bank, they couldn't produce one on the spot! I went back to the DMV, they still wouldn't let me take the test. I was so frustrated that I even cried. Eventually I asked for a supervisor, who after explaining my circumstances, let me through.

 

Of course, I had to have a miscarriage in the middle of the night while my dh was away in Germany. The nurse I was on the phone with had to call the ambulance while I called my friend to come and stay with my older child.

 

Miraculously, my dh was home during the biggest nor'easter we ever lived through. For that I am extremely grateful. It took three days for snow plows to even get to our street.

 

On the plus side, the air miles come in handy to visit family (although it is because of his traveling that we are so far away from them in the first place). The thing I enjoy the most is the hotel points. Every year we manage to get a few nights away courtesy of dh's travels.

The hotel points are a major upside to dh’s travel. Hello, Ritz Carlton in Hawaii. Loved that.

 

I distinctly remember having to shovel snow while being heavily pregnant with my toddlers watching through our window. It must have looked like a comedy tv show!

[solascriptura]

The first week in the US, while still in hotel accommodations, my dh had to travel for a week. The week a hurricane was coming.

 

Then, once already in our new home, he had to travel again. We had a car but I was not covered by our auto insurance without a local driving license. I went down to the DMV to take the test and they would not accept the documentation I brought. I had specifically asked my bank for a bank statement addressed to my name with my new address in it. Instead, they sent one without it. I went back t the bank, they couldn't produce one on the spot! I went back to the DMV, they still wouldn't let me take the test. I was so frustrated that I even cried. Eventually I asked for a supervisor, who after explaining my circumstances, let me through.

 

Of course, I had to have a miscarriage in the middle of the night while my dh was away in Germany. The nurse I was on the phone with had to call the ambulance while I called my friend to come and stay with my older child.

 

Miraculously, my dh was home during the biggest nor'easter we ever lived through. For that I am extremely grateful. It took three days for snow plows to even get to our street.

 

On the plus side, the air miles come in handy to visit family (although it is because of his traveling that we are so far away from them in the first place). The thing I enjoy the most is the hotel points. Every year we manage to get a few nights away courtesy of dh's travels.

I’ve very sorry about your miscarriage. That must have been incredibly difficult. Hugs.

[Rachel]

I think my dh actually prefers traveling. He seems to find comfort in the routine of flying, the quiet of hotel rooms, and a constant supply of company-funded restaurant food, without having to think about anything to do with home.

☹ï¸

[Ausmumof3]

I completely sympathize. It also messes up relationships between dad and kids because he’s 1) not around enough to get to know them, 2) so unaccustomed to normal kid noise that he’s constantly scolding them when he is home for being too noisy and *gasp* talking over each other!

Yes. So true. Even just extra long working hours do this.

[KungFuPanda]

When DH travels, my workload changes very little. Methinks I'm doing way more than my fair share around here. 😒

[Guinevere]

When DH travels, my workload changes very little. Methinks I'm doing way more than my fair share around here. 😒

Sometimes I think it's harder for me when he is home. He's a really involved husband and dad, so he comes home and jumps right in and messes up all my systems. I'm so glad he's the kind of guy he is, but it doesnt make it easier. We just sort of give up and do whatever when he's home, and then go back to life when he leaves. He's like a distracting celebrity around here, lol.