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Guilt, emotional manipulation & the holidays

Epicurean

By Epicurean,
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Epicurean

Epicurean

Posted
Posted

My great aunt, who helped raise me like a third parent, took my brother' side when I told her that he'd molested my sister and I for years when we were kids. I was in college when I told her and my mom; I had severe depression and a lot of problems dealing with it. My therapist thought it'd be a good idea to tell them. It caused a major rift because I felt so betrayed by my aunt. Pretty much the whole family scorned me for making such horrific allegations. My aunt and I haven't communicated in about ten years. She's almost eighty now.

 

My mom told me my aunt is in really poor health and my aunt doesn't think she will live much longer. Mom's insisting I go to my brother's house to celebrate Thanksgiving with my aunt (he always hosts) while my aunt and I still have time to make amends. I drove down to see my aunt and she expressed this wish also.

 

I feel so awful about it I could cry. If I decline, which I must--I can't bring my daughter into the home of a child molester--then everyone will think I'm a terrible person for disregarding my aunt's last wishes and once again "hurting the family." Once more I'm the bad guy.

 

If I had known how much telling the truth would end up hurting me, I never would have breathed a word. :( In a way, it's like he stole my relationship with my aunt and extended family, along with everything else. I'm a mess.

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LMD

LMD

Posted
Posted

I am so so sorry. They are the bad guys. They abandoned you at your most vulnerable. You are worth so much more than that. If she truly wants to make amends, she wouldn't ask you to bring your children to your abuser's house and play nice!!!

 

You are also incredibly brave for speaking out and keeping your daughter safe.

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mamashark

mamashark

Posted
Posted

I would try to make amends with visits outside of Thanksgiving. Making amends with your aunt doesn't mean accepting what your brother did as right, it means loving your aunt. If your aunt isn't willing to love you back without you bringing your daughter into the home of a child molester, then she's the one who isn't willing to make amends. I would be honest again, because it can't mess things up more than they already are, and tell your mom and aunt the reason you won't be coming but express love and a desire to have a good relationship outside of that issue. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

 

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East Coast Sue

East Coast Sue

Posted
Posted

(((Hugs)))

Said very gently... You did not cause the problem and you can not "fix" the problem. You've done nothing wrong. You are innocent and should stay as far away as you can. It's awful that you didn't get the loving support to heal from such pain and trauma. (((Hugs)))

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

Posted
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I would try to make amends with visits outside of Thanksgiving. Making amends with your aunt doesn't mean accepting what your brother did as right, it means loving your aunt. If your aunt isn't willing to love you back without you bringing your daughter into the home of a child molester, then she's the one who isn't willing to make amends. I would be honest again, because it can't mess things up more than they already are, and tell your mom and aunt the reason you won't be coming but express love and a desire to have a good relationship outside of that issue. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

I don't think the OP has any obligation to condone abuse done to her and sweep it under the carpet.

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klmama

klmama

Posted
Posted

Wait. Do I understand this? You already saw your aunt? She doesn't want to see you at Thanksgiving because it's the only chance to see you on last time; she just wants the whole family together?

 

No. The one that caused the problem is your brother. Of course you shouldn't take your dc to his home. What about your sister? Has she confirmed or denied your accusation? How do they treat her?

 

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk

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Mimm

Mimm

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry. You are still being hurt by these people. Can you stop answering the phone till after the New Year? Maybe I'm mean but I would point out to your aunt or mother or heck, every single family member that calls you that good people don't side with molesters and if you were so important to them, they wouldn't want you around your abuser.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry. You are still being hurt by these people. Can you stop answering the phone till after the New Year? Maybe I'm mean but I would point out to your aunt or mother or heck, every single family member that calls you that good people don't side with molesters and if you were so important to them, they wouldn't want you around your abuser.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Do you know how tempting it is to delete the bolded out of your post?  :Angel_anim:

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Zebra

Zebra

Posted
Posted

The problem is, you are in the right.   But, your family is never going to see that.   

 

I don't think this is about figuring out if you are right, it's about you accepting that you don't always get credit for doing the right thing.  As a matter of fact, many times you get punished for it by family members in particular.

 

It's really hard to learn to stop being manipulated by guilt when you have been trained to give in for so long.  I still struggle with it. 

 

If you want to see your aunt before she dies, then arrange some other time to see her.  Your aunt wanting everyone to be around at Thanksgiving is her problem, not yours.   

 

 

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NorthwestMom

NorthwestMom

Posted
Posted

My great aunt, who helped raise me like a third parent, took my brother' side when I told her that he'd molested my sister and I for years when we were kids. I was in college when I told her and my mom; I had severe depression and a lot of problems dealing with it. My therapist thought it'd be a good idea to tell them. It caused a major rift because I felt so betrayed by my aunt. Pretty much the whole family scorned me for making such horrific allegations. My aunt and I haven't communicated in about ten years. She's almost eighty now.

 

My mom told me my aunt is in really poor health and my aunt doesn't think she will live much longer. Mom's insisting I go to my brother's house to celebrate Thanksgiving with my aunt (he always hosts) while my aunt and I still have time to make amends. I drove down to see my aunt and she expressed this wish also.

 

I feel so awful about it I could cry. If I decline, which I must--I can't bring my daughter into the home of a child molester--then everyone will think I'm a terrible person for disregarding my aunt's last wishes and once again "hurting the family." Once more I'm the bad guy.

 

If I had known how much telling the truth would end up hurting me, I never would have breathed a word. :( In a way, it's like he stole my relationship with my aunt and extended family, along with everything else. I'm a mess.

 

The only person who matters here is your daughter, who will definitely NOT think you are the bad guy for protecting her.  

 

You are obviously a strong woman who is trying to do the right thing for everyone. Hugs to you!!! Keep walking your path. You can't control other people's reactions to horrifying news, but you can't sacrifice yourself and your daughter.  Hell no. 

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Seasider

Seasider

Posted
Posted

One Thanksgiving Day can make amends? No. Sounds like you have seen her already and she is requesting this show?

 

Dear one, you are the one in the right here. Your title says it all - this is emotional manipulation. They're trying to pretend like it never happened because they cannot bear the guilt of it.

 

Don't look back, look forward. Don't spend one more bit of emotional energy looking back. Look forward and make your own family holidays and traditions with those who love you and are under your care.

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Lang Syne Boardie

Lang Syne Boardie

Posted
Posted

If you need more help sorting this, please read Glynis Sherwood on "scapegoats." Her website has been my bible lately...the same simple clarity that friends in this thread are expressing, but also the "why" the dynamics are what they are, and why these same people never stop hurting us so we have to stop it. Which having done - you are amazing and strong! - the only rule is "don't back pedal. Stand."

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry to see anyone have to deal with your situation. You are right to not take your daughter there. You are perfectly justified to not go into the den of your abuser! Someone needs to stand up for that younger version of you. 

 

If anyone else wants to spend their holiday time judging you, that's their loss. You plan, right now, to spend this thanksgiving with friends and family that love you and support you. 

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nixpix5

nixpix5

Posted
Posted

Hold strong. Yes, it is gut wrenching that you were victimized twice by your family; first your brother and then everyone else (is your sister also experiencing this?) You have no obligation to be forced into putting yourself into a position of emotional pain, complacency and further victimization. You are doing the right thing by showing your daughter strength. You don't owe any of them anything but if so desired, you could write a letter expressing your love, shock and grief to your aunt so she is clear that while you loved and appreciated her role, that not being supported and cared for makes it impossible to respond to her dying wish.

 

My best friend was molested by her dad. She has 5 brothers who things he walks on water and she tilted the family on its axis when she told everyone. They have blacklisted her. They believe her but they made excuses and basically told her to stop talking about it and pretend like it didn't happen "people make mistakes". Meanwhile she has had serious struggles with trust and depression in her own marriage. Family's seem to not be able to process anything that will change their comfortable dynamic. I am so very sorry. You didn't deserve this and I will say one more time, holding your ground shows your strength and power.

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Carol in Cal.

Carol in Cal.

Posted
Posted

Protecting your child is always the right thing to do.

 

I think that your aunt would like to think that she pulled the family together at the end.

But she can't do it if there is a big dead elephant carcass in the living room that makes it impossible.

 

I have seen enough nasty s*** in life to know that you can't be sure of protecting your DD even if you are with her all the time in the abuser's presence.  You are right not to take her there.

 

Whether to make nice with the aunt separately is your own individual choice, but I would not let that get mixed up in Thanksgiving--it's a separate issue, and probably should be done, if at all, without your DD along.  You need to weigh whether you will feel worse later if you pursue this or if you don't, and also how it makes you feel right now, and also what you think is the right thing to do.  And again, not involve your DD, since your aunt might end up having your brother present if you visit.

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Carol in Cal.

Carol in Cal.

Posted
Posted

Here is an article for you, and a relevant quote:


https://longreads.com/2017/11/07/the-unforgiving-minute/


 


"What women like me want in the long term is for you to stop this shit and treat us like people. We want you to accept that you have done bad things, so that in the future you can do better. We want a flavor of equality that none of us have tasted before. We want to share it with you. We want a world where love and violence are not so easily confused. We want a species of sexuality that isn’t a game where we’re the prey to be hung bleeding on your bedroom wall.


Right now, we also want to rage. We are not done describing all the ways this shit isn’t okay and hasn’t been okay for longer than you can believe. "

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mathnerd

mathnerd

Posted
Posted

You need to refuse. In these kinds of situations, it helps to remind yourself who you are and why you are doing the things that you do. It seems that you are torn about hurting your family. But, change your point of view and imagine how much hurt and suffering you experienced in their hands - abuse, abandonment, isolation, being called a liar for speaking the truth (and maybe more).

 

Ask yourself: Why is it important for me to keep this family appeased and happy? Why do I feel that I "owe" them a visit to your molestor's house with your kids after the way they handled your abuse?

 

I know another family who swept abuse under the carpet because they were in denial that one of theirs could behave that way. What your aunt is doing is to find a way to bring the estranged siblings together before she dies. She probably thinks that bad things never happened or they were not such a big deal. I strongly advise you to stay away. If I were you, I would not be so close to such a family at all.

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Catwoman

Catwoman

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it's still the right thing to do. And you're doing everything right.

 

I'm very sorry you have to deal with any of this. Just say no, and enjoy the holidays your own way, with the people who really matter and who truly love and respect you. You're not a victim any more. You are the one who is in charge of this situation and you can say no. You can't change the past, but you can stop people from making you feel guilty for something that was never your fault.

 

And FWIW, your aunt and other relatives are not good people if they refused -- and still refuse -- to believe what you told them about your brother. Good people don't behave the way they did. As painful as it is, you are better off without them.

 

But I'm still really sorry, because I know it's painful. :(

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Annie G

Annie G

Posted
Posted

I'm more mad at OP's mom than her aunt. Her mom is insisting she attend Thanksgiving to make amends. This really sounds like OP's mom thinks OP is the one who needs to apologize.  

 

OP, I am so sorry. You were the victim and it sounds like your brother hasn't lost anything and you have lost your family. Not fair. 

 

:grouphug:

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MinivanMom

MinivanMom

Posted
Posted

You are a wonderful person. There are few people who would rush to be at the side of a dying relative who had sided with a molester over them. You have treated your aunt with far more kindness and grace than she deserves under these circumstances. You have absolutely nothing to make amends for. Your actions clearly display love and forgiveness toward your aunt. You have said your goodbyes and have nothing to feel guilty about going forward.

 

It is terrible manipulation and emotional abuse on the part of your mother to try to guilt you into coming to Thanksgiving with your abuser. This kind of crazy cannot be reasoned with. Be ready to respond clearly whenever your mother brings it up:

 

"I will not be attending Thanksgiving with my molester."

 

"I will not be bringing my daughter to any location where a child molester is present."

 

"I'm troubled that aunt's last dying wish is for me to spend Thanksgiving with a child molester. I have a responsibility to keep my child safe by keeping her away from molesters."

 

Simply say goodbye and hang-up if your mother wishes to "discuss" the issue. Stop answering the phone if it is causing you pain or anguish. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. It is a monstrous request for your mother and aunt to make. Shame on them.

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snowbeltmom

snowbeltmom

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Posted

You are a wonderful person. There are few people who would rush to be at the side of a dying relative who had sided with a molester over them. You have treated your aunt with far more kindness and grace than she deserves under these circumstances. You have absolutely nothing to make amends for. Your actions clearly display love and forgiveness toward your aunt. You have said your goodbyes and have nothing to feel guilty about going forward.

 

It is terrible manipulation and emotional abuse on the part of your mother to try to guilt you into coming to Thanksgiving with your abuser. This kind of crazy cannot be reasoned with. Be ready to respond clearly whenever your mother brings it up:

 

"I will not be attending Thanksgiving with my molester."

 

"I will not be bringing my daughter to any location where a child molester is present."

 

"I'm troubled that aunt's last dying wish is for me to spend Thanksgiving with a child molester. I have a responsibility to keep my child safe by keeping her away from molesters."

 

Simply say goodbye and hang-up if your mother wishes to "discuss" the issue. Stop answering the phone if it is causing you pain or anguish. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. It is a monstrous request for your mother and aunt to make. Shame on them.

This!

 

OP, I know it is easier said than done, but don't let the behavior of your relatives affect your enjoyment of the holidays.  Celebrate the holidays with people who love and cherish you.  Focus of enjoying your family and creating happy memories that you and your children will always cherish.

 

 

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