luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 What kind of mess? Physical? Emotional? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) Emotional.  ETA: mostly sad, crying, indecisive, etc. Edited October 10, 2017 by luuknam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 When it's "expletive" I assume you mean the person is on the edge of blowing up. In which case it's best to remove oneself to regain composure rather than risk regretting what might happen. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I am often that kind of mess. So I'd lead a lonely existence if I was not around people in that state. It would depend on how I was behaving in that state. Sometimes when I'm an emotional mess I am incredibly sad, cry a lot and can't really do much but it doesn't negatively effect people like my anger does. When I'm an emotional mess and any little thing could make me yell then I do seclude myself the best because I don't want to treat people poorly. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I thought this was about people who go out contagious with a virus. In which case, stay home. Â But emotional? When my baby girl died I wouldn't have gone anywhere for a few years if I wasn't allowed to be an emotional mess. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 When it's "expletive" I assume you mean the person is on the edge of blowing up.   I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk.   Though to be honest, hanging out in my room is more 'fun' than being yelled at. Edited October 10, 2017 by luuknam 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 Though to be honest, hanging out in my room is more 'fun' than being yelled at.   It'd just be nice if said person would take their own advice. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Well, when I'm an emotional mess I don't want to be around others. Â Whatever is going on, I'm sorry! I hope it resolves quickly. Hang in there and if we can help from afar, please let us know. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk. The person who said that to you should be the one to stay away from people. Crying is a healthy response to extreme emotions. Yelling at others is an unhealthy response. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 :grouphug: Life is messy and no one should talk to you that way 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desertstrawberry5 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 When I'm an emotional mess, I want to be mostly alone. Being angry at someone for being upset is a special kind of cruelty. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Oh I am sorry Luukham.  I voted yes because I thought of an angry violent person who iis out of control.  Not for sad people- I think people should be kind to sad people and come along aside them- not yell at them. And for others who said that it would have been bad if nobody came near them when they were depressed, again I am not talking about you.  My vote for yes was simply for a person who would say such a thing and be so angry.  I think people who are really angry and out of control should seclude themselves until they are not angry and are in control. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 Oh I am sorry Luukham.  I voted yes because I thought of an angry violent person who iis out of control.  Not for sad people   It's okay. I wasn't sure how to phrase things... I was mostly just wondering if it was a common sentiment. I probably should've specified if someone is sad... I just didn't want to get into specifics, as I wasn't looking for sympathy so much as just whether most people think that or not. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) Um, just to be clear, I'm answering for me, not what I think others should do. And I don't know whether it's the healthy thing to do; it's just what I do. (Agreed).  ETA after actually reading the thread.  :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry.  I deleted my vote and will just say... So for me, like I said, I isolate as much as possible. But for others, I don't know what I'd do if someone was a sobbing mess in front of me, but it wouldn't involve yelling. :confused1:  It would probably be awkwardly sympathetic in some form or fashion.  :o Edited October 10, 2017 by CES2005 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I think people should deal with the messy emotions of others with the same care they themselves would wish to be treated with when it came to theirs.  Hopefully that came out right. It sounded right in my head.  Agreed.  People also need to stop being afraid of strong or negative emotions. "Don't worry, be happy" is only good in theory.  I'm sorry, luuknam. What a rotten way to be treated when you're already upset. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk. I wish you'd had a friend next to you to yell right back that donkey butts should stay in their barns instead of braying about around people. Â I'm not a cryer around people/in public, but it doesn't bother me that other people are unless I think they are being manipulative in some manner. In which case, I'd do the polite thing and just steer clear of them, something I'd likely do to a manipulative person regardless of their composure. Â (Hugs) 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 When someone is an emotional mess, perhaps it is good to be around others. It is ok to be real in life (not everything comes up roses) & it is good for others to see/help/be compassionate/empathetic. Isn't that how we as humans help each other? Sometimes we are the one in need & other times we are the one providing help to someone in need. Â I realize everyone deals differently -- some want to be sad or upset alone, others need verbal/physical &/or emotional support from others. In reality, people probably need all of those in trying times. Â As ErinE said, life is messy. It is perfectly ok to point that out & to react to it too. Â :grouphug: :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet2ndchance Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I tend to prefer to have privacy when I am an emotional mess. The only person I am comfortable being emotional in front of is my husband. But that's just me. I would never dream of telling someone else that they have keep their emotions in check around me. Especially in such a hostile fashion. That's just repugnant.  My husband's mother is the type to turn on the water works at the drop of a hat any time she feels like the spotlight is not on her. I think it is manipulative and immature but I wouldn't tell her to stop it unless it was directly affecting me or my family. For example, she attends a function where the spotlight is suppose to be on my child and she throws one of her fits because she wants the spotlight on her. But that is completely different from what you are describing.  I know you said you weren't looking for sympathy but I'm sorry someone felt the need to shame you for being legitimately emotional. Seems to me that person needs to take a good hard look at themselves before they call out others. :grouphug:  2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandwalker Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 If someone is upset and crying and can't talk, we hug them and bring them a glass of water, maybe a sandwich, and wait until they calm down enough to talk, and then we listen. That's the way to treat people. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Some people are afraid of strong emotions. They react irrationally and attack the person feeling strong emotions because of their own fears and hang ups. Unfortunately that can leave anyone they care about in a really bad place if the person they care about is feeling strong emotions and needs some support.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  And for the record, unless you are posing a danger to someone else, I do NOT believe that when someone is struggling with overwhelming sadness that they should go away until they have their emotions under control unless THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. If you are struggling and need to be around those that are supposed to care about you, then I would HOPE the other person would recognize and support your needs. I'm so sorry that did not happen. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Goodness I've never not been a mess in at least one area of my life. I guess I should stay away from people at all times, always? :) Â I'm sorry you were met with anger when you so clearly needed support. :grouphug: 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I'm really sorry, luuknam. That's a really unkind thing to say to someone who is already upset. I hope things look brighter soon. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I think it's up to the messy person. Part of living in a society is coping with a lot of different people and moods. You don't walk out the door expecting a Stepford town to pop up in front of you and you don't kick people when they're down. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk. Aww, hugs. Devils advocate, people are flawed and often say the most wrong things. Forgive, move on, it will probably be better in the morning. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I don't really know. I voted yes then changed it to no, but I think it completely depends on the circumstances. If it is because there has been a death in the family, then it is ok to be out and upset. If the person is a raging maniac that is having violent outbursts then they really shouldn't be out and about until they are able to regulate themselves better. Â I am a mess at the moment, not raging, but very very stressed and very weepy. I have very good reason. Everyone I tell the reason to cries with me. Â life is absolutely awful sometimes.sometimes it is so awful that you cannot deal with it by yourself and need to go out and cry on someone's shoulder. Sometimes it is so awful that you want to check with others that you are seeing things correctly and not making mountains out of molehills. Sometimes you need the whole village to help you over the difficult part of the mountain and tell you that there really is something different over the top. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I voted yes but that's because for me being around people only makes it worse and increases my "recovery time". Plus by the time I'm better everyone else is miserable which makes me miserable again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk.  Wow, that's a real jerk for ya!  I didn't vote, because I'm very "It depends." We all have lives to live and things happen unexpectedly. But being emotional in public is one of my personal worst nightmares, so I will allow my insides to eat themselves completely in order to try to appear "together". Not that I suggest anyone else do that, just sharing my brand of crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 When it's me, I try to avoid being w/ others.  I would never expect anyone else to, however, and hope I would show much grace to a person in such a state in public/ my company. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Most people do not want to deal with anyone's emotional mess. Its the reason you find out who your real family is when you get a cancer diagnosis, or your child has genetic issues. And of course there is a small percentage that can't process emotions or understand.the power of human touch. So, yes, its not wise to show sadness to those who will not offer comfort or who do not share your sadness, as they view sadness as a sign of weakness, something that makes you less human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I voted yes because I voted before I saw more specifics.  I still say "yes" with what I was thinking (someone cranky ready to kick the dog or anyone/thing else that gets in their way). Those folks need to calm down. I say an emphatic "no" for sadness. We're all going to get really, really sad at times and our emotions shouldn't have to stay in check. I agree with Sandwalker that when this happens in public, we should understand and be truly there for the person, not make them feel even worse.  The person who should have stayed away from people is whoever said that to you, not you. They were the person acting horribly given the situation.  When I'm really sad it helps me to get out and do things - it's a brain distraction. Usually I go to school as that forces my brain to think about something else. However, during the rare time I can't keep my composure, I'm glad I have friends there (students, staff, and fellow teachers) who understand rather than whoever you came across. An experience like that might have caused me to go off the deep end (at them or otherwise).  :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 it will probably be better in the morning.  Yes, better now.  But being emotional in public is one of my personal worst nightmares,   Not in public. In kitchen/living room, etc, vs hiding in bedroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Yes, better now. Â Â I'm glad things are better now. When my DH or children are upset, I try to figure out why. It's almost always that they need someone to listen and hear what what has them distraught. That may require privacy, sometimes five to ten minutes alone, but I've learned that more often they need me to sit with them until they're willing to talk with me. I might sit silently, I might talk about how worried I am about them, but I always try to project love and concern so they understand I want to hear them and help them, even if listening is the only help I can render. Complete isolation until my spouse or children aren't "an emotional mess" is something I can't support. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Yes, better now.    Not in public. In kitchen/living room, etc, vs hiding in bedroom.  Glad to hear the former. With the latter, if it's a relative... :glare: hopefully not a close one. If a close one, we'd be needing to do some discussing on what "being human" means - from both sides, esp the idea of not kicking someone when they're down. :confused1: If not close, then it's just frustrating. :cursing:  Still sending best wishes to you. There's no way in Hades you should have to stay in your bedroom in a sad situation. Your whole house is your castle/cave (whichever way you prefer to look at it when feeling down). 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 The person who said what you put in the title is the actual mess. Did someone say that to you? They were rude and not fit for human interaction. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Sometimes we have to reach out to ppl. So no I don't think this is the nicest thing to say to someone going through something. Some choose to stay away (and I think that's ok too).   1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) If this statement were about me, specifically, I would agree. I prefer to keep my emotions in check and to myself. I am not the kind of person who is helped by having others witness my emotional break-downs. It just makes me feel resentful, angry and vulnerable -- which is the absolute worst feeling and leads me to lash out in very hurtful ways (like the can't-take-that-back kind of ways). So, yes... if I'm a mess, I should stay away from other people.  If this is a blanket statement, I would have to disagree. Some people are really good at helping a hot mess, and some hot messes are really crying out for that help. So, who am I to deny those kinds of people finding each other and making someone's life a little easier?   ETA: I posted before reading the rest. Luuknam... that's a very shitty thing that was said to you. FWIW, I think that you're not the one who's the bleeping mess. You're a human being asking for some compassion. I'm sorry you didn't find it when you needed it. I hope you know that many here (me included), have compassion to offer you.  Edited October 10, 2017 by Audrey 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I know what the world around me thinks ... "you are not welcome unless you can pull off a facsimile of a put-together person who will not challenge me in any way." Which, of course, is why having mental illness is such an isolating condition. Nobody wants you around if you cannot be all smiley and happy. People want the avatar of you, not the real you. Which, of course, is why I have no friends. My life fell apart 4 years ago and my "friends" scattered like cockroaches when you turn on the lights. Pardon me for having a really bad day. I'll go crawl under my rock now on not bother anyone with my human-ness.  3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Saying such a thing says much more about the emotional state of the person yelling it than about the recipient. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I know what the world around me thinks ... "you are not welcome unless you can pull off a facsimile of a put-together person who will not challenge me in any way." Which, of course, is why having mental illness is such an isolating condition. Nobody wants you around if you cannot be all smiley and happy. People want the avatar of you, not the real you. Which, of course, is why I have no friends. My life fell apart 4 years ago and my "friends" scattered like cockroaches when you turn on the lights. Pardon me for having a really bad day. I'll go crawl under my rock now on not bother anyone with my human-ness.   Just so you know, you still have friends on here. If I ever knew I were in your territory (or you in mine), I'd love to get together and it wouldn't matter what was being discussed. We each could vent away, console ourselves, talk about what's "real" to us, or whatever. No make up and pretty smiley face talking about how even the weather is perfect is needed.  :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandwalker Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I know what the world around me thinks ... "you are not welcome unless you can pull off a facsimile of a put-together person who will not challenge me in any way." Which, of course, is why having mental illness is such an isolating condition. Nobody wants you around if you cannot be all smiley and happy. People want the avatar of you, not the real you. Which, of course, is why I have no friends. My life fell apart 4 years ago and my "friends" scattered like cockroaches when you turn on the lights. Pardon me for having a really bad day. I'll go crawl under my rock now on not bother anyone with my human-ness.((((Hugs)))) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Big, big, big hugs  And chocolate And wine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I do try to mostly keep out of others' proximity when I'm struggling to keep my composure. I prefer it that way, and I do it because I want to. I also teach my kids to 'take a break' if they become emotionally distressed in group settings. (I go check on them, and offer comfort one-on-one, I just think it's a good plan for them to head for a bedroom if they can't keep it together in communal parts of the house.) I also know that I can ask my DH to take excess stress, irritability or disruptive outbursts to another room. Â In this, I would never make it a rule for anyone else, and actual isolation is not the goal. The goal is some privacy (for those who thrive on privacy) and a physical space boundary that forms a context for warm, focused comforting and support. That space is different from the context of daily life. Â I guess I don't want people be forced into the black-and-white choice to either engage with a distraught person (delaying what they would normally do) or ignore a distraught person (which is a hard-hearted response) while they are just trying to do life in a communal space in a home. -- Unless it us a true crisis that really ought to be halting the normal goings-on in that home. Â When possible, a distraught person should receive support, but also (when possible) they I try not to be front-and-centre about it. Â I could be totally off base, but I'm just sharing a perspective. It's *not* something you say to others -- much less shout at them! While they are distressed. If it needs teaching (ie children) or negotiation in a family system, it needs to be approached with kindness and understanding. People matter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I would feel a bit uncomfortable around someone who was distraught, especially if there was nothing for me to do. But I would remove myself from the room and let them get on with it. I can't imagine berating them for it.  This reminds me of the (horrible) "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about" phrase I heard as a child. Ă°Å¸ËœÂ¡ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk. Usually the person saying this isn't offering to do anything that would enable you to take a break. Edited October 10, 2017 by OhElizabeth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Hey, luuknam, I hope you're OK. I'm glad you're feeling better. Lots of hugs. :grouphug:Â :grouphug:Â :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I know what the world around me thinks ... "you are not welcome unless you can pull off a facsimile of a put-together person who will not challenge me in any way." Which, of course, is why having mental illness is such an isolating condition. Nobody wants you around if you cannot be all smiley and happy. People want the avatar of you, not the real you. Which, of course, is why I have no friends. My life fell apart 4 years ago and my "friends" scattered like cockroaches when you turn on the lights. Pardon me for having a really bad day. I'll go crawl under my rock now on not bother anyone with my human-ness.   Yes, the same thing happened to me with a physical illness. Cockroaches is an apt description, as they crawl out when they think you are well enough to give them stuff.  Smiley and happy doesn't matter, if the ill person needs something their childhood training told them they are to offer bc we are human and have a relationship or bc its our religion, then they will withdraw. Happy because surgery is over and recovery has begun?  Don't expect anything like a visit, a phone call, a card or a ten minutes of their time to supervise the kids in the sandbox while you are changing dressings...they can't be bothered. Your mom died? Ignored. She's not real family and it shouldn't affect you.  It certainly does simplify life. I was lucky, the nurse warned me in advance to expect it. It hasn't changed my life, but I certainly don't spend the time with cockroaches any more. We are not the same type of human.  Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I don't know what I mean. I know that someone yelled this at me. I think it was mostly because I was crying a whole lot and unable to talk.  Well, that was really RUDE on THEIR part. Obviously you need(ed) some emotional support and yelling at you to stay away from people because you were a mess was the least helpful thing they could do! That being said, when we're not in that state, it's hard for most humans to deal with someone who is, but that's no excuse for us to be rude.  I think it's appropriate to perhaps remove yourself for a short period of time but if your "expletive mess" continues for days on end, you might need to find help.  At any rate, I really hope you feel better soon! Being in the funk is no fun!  :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Come see us in the Lounge! We MISS you! And if you need to curl up in the corner with a soft blanket, that's perfectly fine with us. We might even have chocolate. ;) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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