What if you do like your spouse all of the time?

[Night Elf]

Reading through the thread on why some marriages stay together despite not liking or loving each other has me wondering if my marriage is so unusual. I've been married 21 years and we've had two arguments. Honestly. He's a terrific guy. I like him as a person and I love him tremendously. And I like his family too!

 

I was previously married. My second marriage is absolutely nothing like the first.

[Janeway]

Liking him ALL the time? I don't even like myself all the time, or the kids. I cannot imagine liking anyone ALL the time. 

 

I like him much of the time. I even love him much of the time. Sometimes, I love him while also hating him at the same moment. I am certain the feelings are mutual.

[wintermom]

I like my dh all the time, but I still get annoyed by some of his behaviours. He gets annoyed by some of mine, too. 

 

Having arguments isn't the sign of a good or bad marriage, or a lengthy marriage. Lots of people in long-term marriages have arguments. The key factor, statistically speaking, is the ability and willingness to be flexible with each others' behaviours and don't expect them to behave exactly the way you dictate (outloud or in your own mind) they should.

[Night Elf]

I didn't mean that our lack of arguments meant we had a good marriage. Those were just the only two times I've ever disagreed with him, but even then I didn't dislike him.

[marbel]

I thought quite a few people in that thread said they liked/loved their spouse 100% of the time, but that they also knew people who did not.

 

I can't think of any close, long-term relationship I've had where I liked/loved the person 100% of the time.   Family member, boyfriends, close friends, long-term coworkers... I've had moments with all of them, and I'm sure they did with me too.

 

And I agree with PP who said arguments have nothing to do with it.  I am close to a couple, the husband of which is proud of the fact that they never argue. Well, the wife isn't happy but she never disagrees because she doesn't want to rock the boat.  (Not afraid of violence, just... super submissive and agrees with whatever he says).  Some people have problems but pretend they don't, and so don't argue 'cause then they'd have to admit they have problems.

 

Not saying the OP falls into one of these categories.   Some people are just that compatible, I guess.

[Wheres Toto]

We had some growing pains in the very beginning with adapting to being together, working out issues with my daughter, etc.   But once we got past that initial stage, things have been great.  We've been married 12 1/2 years, this is my second marriage (first went 10 years but things were bad much earlier).  I can't think of any time I didn't love him, or stopped liking him.  We hardly ever argue because we are able to discuss and work out most things.  Neither of us are super-intense about anything, so that probably helps.

 

I'm sure I annoy him sometimes, and he annoys me sometimes but it's a momentary irritation, not a big issue.

[wintermom]

I didn't mean that our lack of arguments meant we had a good marriage. Those were just the only two times I've ever disagreed with him, but even then I didn't dislike him.

 

Sounds like you are a great match for each other then. You're probably both pretty easy-going people.  

 

I know that I'm probably a more difficult person to get along with on the spectrum of easy-going-ness. Luckily, my dh has a really good sense of humour! 

[Night Elf]

I've had some relationships where I didn't like the person for whatever reason for a while so I do understand that. I just have never felt that way about my DH or kids. Maybe it's because I'm not a strong opinionated person. I can go with the flow most of the time.

[kewb]

Dh and I will be married 25 years this year and I can honestly say I don't always like him. Love, yes, but some days he can be the most irritating person on the face of the planet. Seriously irritating. Like let me start this project that will take 2 hours 15 minutes before we have to leave irritating. Put the empty container back in the fridge irritating. Unable to find the item right in front of him irritating. I can't imagine my life without him but some days I want to hit him upside the head with a can of corn.

[Guest]

Reading through the thread on why some marriages stay together despite not liking or loving each other has me wondering if my marriage is so unusual. I've been married 21 years and we've had two arguments. Honestly. He's a terrific guy. I like him as a person and I love him tremendously. And I like his family too!

 

I was previously married. My second marriage is absolutely nothing like the first.

Same here. Married 22 years, we seldom argue, we are quite compatible, I like my in-laws, etc.

 

It's all good.

[Tangerine]

My therapist refers to DH and me as a "matched set" and sometimes as "bookends."  I've determined this is doctor speak for "he deals well with your particular brand of crazy." So there have been PLENTY of disagreements, because we're both pretty intense about some things.  I can't even fathom having 2 disagreements.   :lol:  Do you find that you are both pretty relaxed people in general? 

 

ETA: You answered that question while I was typing!

Edited June 7, 2017 by Tangerine

[Arctic Bunny]

I'd love to say we never argue... but when we do, it's because I'm picking a fight because of something totally unrelated and I am so very lucky that he knows that and doesn't hold it against me. Sigh.

[Guest]

My husband and I argued in 1998 (or was it 1999?) and again in 2004 or thereabouts.

[JustEm]

Dh and I have been together for ten years. Loving and liking him are easy. Not so much with the kids. I love my kids very much but at times I have a very hard time liking them. That is mainly because I get overstimulated easily and am stuck with them so often.

[Crimson Wife]

In an alternate universe where we had a very boring life with stable employment and finances, only neurotypical kids who were conceived exactly when we planned on having them, etc. etc. I could say the same thing. We get along fine when there are no external stressors.

[Frances]

In an alternate universe where we had a very boring life with stable employment and finances, only neurotypical kids who were conceived exactly when we planned on having them, etc. etc. I could say the same thing. We get along fine when there are no external stressors.

But who has a life without ever having external stressors?

[Night Elf]

Maybe it's my perception? DH has a couple of annoying habits but I don't dislike him when he does them. I laugh at them. He laughs at me too. I also suppose we can be over considerate.

[Free Indeed]

Reading through the thread on why some marriages stay together despite not liking or loving each other has me wondering if my marriage is so unusual. I've been married 21 years and we've had two arguments. Honestly. He's a terrific guy. I like him as a person and I love him tremendously. .

Yep me too. 23 years this month and he is still my best friend

[kroe1]

I have met people in marriages like that. Very lucky. Plus, you two might just be very likable personality types. Congratulations.

[Amy in NH]

Reading through the thread on why some marriages stay together despite not liking or loving each other has me wondering if my marriage is so unusual. I've been married 21 years and we've had two arguments. Honestly. He's a terrific guy. I like him as a person and I love him tremendously. And I like his family too!

 

I was previously married. My second marriage is absolutely nothing like the first.

 

Then you are lucky.

[Desert Strawberry]

We are both difficult people. Our life has been hard. partly circumstances and partly our own fault. Of course we have a harder time being married. 

 

I can't imagine a relationship like you describe. I would guess you are easier to get along with than I am. Or you are incredibly well matched. We aren't like that. 

[Shellydon]

I would say OP is very unusual.  DH and I argue twice a day.  Big huge screaming yelling arguments at least once a month. 

[EMS83]

I don't know, we can argue/disagree and still like each other.  But I sort of separate the person from the behavior.  If my kids are running around screaming, no I really don't like that, but I still like them.  kwim?  I grew up with the mindset that behavior = person; DH is really responsible for helping me make a distinction, and I try to pass this on to the kids.

 

ETA: I also did spend the first several years of our marriage "just agreeing" with DH, like a PP's friend upthread.  He didn't even want that, so I don't do that anymore.  That makes things harder (but more "real" at least), but dislike still doesn't enter into it.

Edited June 7, 2017 by CES2005

[DawnM]

Married 22 years.  For the most part we are good.  As I mentioned in the other thread, I was very independent and I don't like feeling dependent on anyone, which made it hard for me to want to feel settled down or dependent or a SAHM.

 

DH is a better person than I am though.  He is far more easy going, dependable, and even keeled personality wise.   And those are some of the same qualities that drive me batty......he doesn't like change and I thrive on moving forward, changing often, living life as an adventure......that stresses him out.

[Selkie]

Reading through the thread on why some marriages stay together despite not liking or loving each other has me wondering if my marriage is so unusual. I've been married 21 years and we've had two arguments. Honestly. He's a terrific guy. I like him as a person and I love him tremendously. And I like his family too!

 

I was previously married. My second marriage is absolutely nothing like the first.

 

Our marriage is like this, too. We've been married 27 years and have had more than two arguments, but they've been few and far between. I feel extremely fortunate that dh and I are so compatible.

[SparklyUnicorn]

17 years as of August and I like my spouse 99% of the time.  We really don't argue.  Once in a great while he does something that's not my favorite, but it's never anything serious.  Mostly it's just me in a grouchy mood more than something he did/does that's so bad. 

 

 

[jewellsmommy]

Next month is 20 years. I was 17.5yrs old and he turned 23yrs 12 days before our wedding. Dh and I are very well matched. Our marriage is the easiest thing about our life. Yes, we have had arguments/ disagreements. It is usually me who has the problem  :lol: with something he said or did. We have never had an issue go beyond a couple of hours at most, as in we have never gone to bed without working out whatever it was. 

 

The ease of our marriage is not because we have had an easy life. We have been through bankruptcy, infertility, a long-term acute illness with dd as a baby/toddler (thought we might lose her at one point), taking on guardianship of a RAD child that has other issues (hardest thing we have ever done), my own medical problems and anxiety, and dh's mild but persistent personality and mental mix (schizoid/avoidant pd and depression).

 

We have even worked together which included driving to distant locations where we would then spend every waking moment together working for 2 weeks and drive back home (we were independent contractors for a traveling exhibit company). We work excellently together. We complement each other's abilities and deficits. I have been told that working and traveling together is what has sent some couples over the edge, but we remember that year very fondly. We are very blessed.

 

 

 

 

 

[JustEm]

I would say OP is very unusual. DH and I argue twice a day. Big huge screaming yelling arguments at least once a month.

I have never screamed or yelled at dh. And he has never spoke to me that way. If he did I don't know what I'd do. Is that really unusual?

[Katy]

We get along really well.  Night and day difference between all the other relationships I've had.  We're really compatible.

[Scarlett]

Dh and I are very compatible but we both have very strong personalities and we do argue sometimes. 

 

But I love him and like him almost 100% of the time.  He is the cat's meow.  :001_tt1: 

Edited June 7, 2017 by Scarlett

[SquirrellyMama]

I would say OP is very unusual. DH and I argue twice a day. Big huge screaming yelling arguments at least once a month.

My dh and I have never yelled or screamed at each other, and I'm sure he likes it that way. I wish we could have a yelling argument. I think I would feel so much better.

[Desert Strawberry]

I have never screamed or yelled at dh. And he has never spoke to me that way. If he did I don't know what I'd do. Is that really unusual?

we argue with fair frequency. We have major disagreements about once every couple of months. We hurt each other's feelings unintentionally and we avoid each other for a while, and I cry. Then we apologize and talk it over and move on with our lives. 

 

We do not scream. He has raised his voice maybe 3 times in the past 2 years, and never in the 16 years before that. I get heated a little more easily, but still not often. 

 

Screaming, yelling, throwing things, name calling, slamming doors, no. Never. No ugly fighting. 

[JustEm]

we argue with fair frequency. We have major disagreements about once every couple of months. We hurt each other's feelings unintentionally and we avoid each other for a while, and I cry. Then we apologize and talk it over and move on with our lives. 

 

We do not scream. He has raised his voice maybe 3 times in the past 2 years, and never in the 16 years before that. I get heated a little more easily, but still not often. 

 

Screaming, yelling, throwing things, name calling, slamming doors, no. Never. No ugly fighting. 

 

Yes, we've had major disagreements that have ended in tears, hurt feelings, and avoidance but have never screamed, yelled, name called, etc. 

[MEmama]

DH and I never fight. In nearly 24 years of marriage, maybe we have like once or twice when we were young? Idk, we just really get along. â¤ï¸

[Peaceful Isle]

I like and love my husband. We both work really hard at communicating and never yell. We have been through some of the hardest things, and have gotten so strong because of it.

It wasn't always like this, but I'm so glad it is right now. â¤ï¸

[LMD]

Oh, we've had some ugly fights! I have definitely screamed at him and I have hated him - love was a (painful) choice and a verb. We are both difficult personalities in different ways.

That is pretty infrequent though, and we are getting better. We married young and both had pathetic excuses for models of 'healthy disagreement.'

[Desert Strawberry]

I'd like to add that we don't fight over a lot of things. We over the same thing over and over. So it seems we are just fundamentally mismatched. Because this is a basic, personality-type issue. I've pretty much given up at this point that we are ever going to resolve this. I guess I need to reeveluate how I handle it, because it hasn't gone away in 18 years. It's probably never going to. 

[jewellsmommy]

I have never screamed or yelled at dh. And he has never spoke to me that way. If he did I don't know what I'd do. Is that really unusual?

 

 

I can get pretty passionate at times. I have definitely raised my voice. I can sometimes get snarky too, but I try to control myself.  :blush:

[HTRMom]

I suspect that one or both of you must have an exceptionally easygoing personality.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[FaithManor]

Since dh and I are pretty much best buds, we don't argue much at all and go long periods of times between any kind of disagreement. We genuinely like each other. Mostly we don't annoy each other.

 

Except one thing. Dh is kind of loud. Really. He pops up out of bed in the morning like a crocus in the snow, and is just NOISY. Bangs the dresser drawers, bangs the kitchen cupboards, talks too loud, etc. He used to wake the babies up when the kids were tiny, and this was the one thing that annoyed the tar right out of me. The man never outgrew this. It is like it is genetically impossible for him to do otherwise in the morning. I eventually grew accustomed to it, as did the younglings. But the college boys do not sleep quite as sound as they used to and are now annoyed, LOL.

 

That's really it. We are just kind of hardwired for each other. I recognize that this is not normal. I don't have friends or family members that have the same thing going except two dear nephews who managed to find soulmates. The thing is that when we get together with them (my brother is a lot older than I so my nephews are less than 17 years younger than me so we tend to be more like peers than aunt/nephew) we play all kinds of board and card games together and have the biggest blast! I can play those same games with other people and have a nice time, very enjoyable. But never are we simply laughing hysterically like we are with the nephews and their wives. But there isn't any "couples angst". Some of our friends get a bit annoyed with their spouses when they play games which takes some of the fun out of it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I have never screamed or yelled at dh. And he has never spoke to me that way. If he did I don't know what I'd do. Is that really unusual?

 

Same here...never ever.

[Guest]

What if?

 

Keep on keepin' on​.

[DesertBlossom]

Dh and I have been together for ten years. Loving and liking him are easy. Not so much with the kids. I love my kids very much but at times I have a very hard time liking them. That is mainly because I get overstimulated easily and am stuck with them so often.

This is me too. I get along so well with DH. But he is very easy to get along with. My kids on the other hand... it's harder for me. I saw some meme the other day that said something like "my children's behavior makes it hard for me to be the kind of parent I always imagined I would be." Something like that. Dh has never thrown himself into a flying ball of rage when his "pants feel funny" or thrown away my stuff because he had to leave someplace fun. 😊

Edited June 8, 2017 by DesertBlossom

[DesertBlossom]

I have never screamed or yelled at dh. And he has never spoke to me that way. If he did I don't know what I'd do. Is that really unusual?

When we got married DH made the comment that he would never ever yell at me (during a video a friend set up for people to record marriage advice) I watched it and thought "well, duh. Obviously." Many years later I realize just how lucky I am.

[....]

Reading through the thread on why some marriages stay together despite not liking or loving each other has me wondering if my marriage is so unusual. I've been married 21 years and we've had two arguments. Honestly. He's a terrific guy. I like him as a person and I love him tremendously. 

 

Yep.  Us, too.  We're just not very exciting.   :tongue_smilie: We've been together for 19 years.  *shrug*

[....]

Except one thing. Dh is kind of loud. Really. He pops up out of bed in the morning like a crocus in the snow, and is just NOISY. Bangs the dresser drawers, bangs the kitchen cupboards, talks too loud, etc. He used to wake the babies up when the kids were tiny, and this was the one thing that annoyed the tar right out of me. The man never outgrew this. It is like it is genetically impossible for him to do otherwise in the morning. I eventually grew accustomed to it, as did the younglings. 

 

We have that problem here, too.  He works 2nd shift and our entire family has learned to wait until he goes to work to do school.   :D

[Scarlett]

I'm not a yeller although I have yelled at him when pushed to my limit. But my dh's voice is LOUD even at an average talking level, so it's easy for him to slip over into the yelling range. I've concluded after knowing him for 47 years that the man is physically incapable of actual whispering. Sometimes, when we're arguing, his voice begins to rise and I have to say, 'You're yelling. Stop yelling at me.' He always looks surprised, stops, and it takes a visible, physical effort for him to reset and tone it down. And, for some reason, it took me a looong time to learn to do that. Yet, it's so simple ...

 

A lot of the arguing we do is because he thinks things should be done one way, and I think things should be done another way. Oddly enough though, all that arguing was rarely about how to raise the kids. He left me alone on that one. What to set the dryer on to actually get the stupid clothes DRY, however, would send him into an instant, mini lecture (rant??) on wasting electricity - as would about a zillion other nitpicky, inconsequential things ... a nitpicky, word-parsing engineer married to a decidedly non-verbal INTJ who loves to 'experiment' with things and figure out the best ways to do them for herself. What a combination, eh? ;)

 

Yeah, OP, I'm thinking you both must have very easygoing personalities, too.

Wow you just described Dh. He is big and loud and well he can go into yelling very quickly. And oh my he thinks his way is the best and if you don't bloeve him he will show you are chart.

 

But I heart him.

[City Mouse]

Dh and I will be married 25 years this year and I can honestly say I don't always like him. Love, yes, but some days he can be the most irritating person on the face of the planet. Seriously irritating. Like let me start this project that will take 2 hours 15 minutes before we have to leave irritating. Put the empty container back in the fridge irritating. Unable to find the item right in front of him irritating. I can't imagine my life without him but some days I want to hit him upside the head with a can of corn.

This made me laugh out loud. This sounds just like my life, and we have been married 26 years come August.

[Scarlett]

This made me laugh out loud. This sounds just like my life, and we have been married 26 years come August.

It made me laugh too. The can of corn.......lol