Is this rude to ask?

[DesertBlossom]

In other threads I have seen a few people say (or imply) that it was rude to ask where someone is from. Is this generally considered rude? Because that kinda makes me sad.

 

I love to hear about where people come from and I only ask when it's obvious the person's native language is not English and it's likely they were not born here. I also speak Spanish fluently and have lived in and traveled to a few Central and South American countries and so I am always curious where people are from. Most Spanish speakers here are from Mexico but if their accent sounds different sometimes I will ask.

 

I have asked a couple check-out ladies where they were from. One said Persia (which made me go home and google that) and another said Iran. I am genuinely interested in finding out about people and their stories. (I really don't ask all that often though)

 

Is this rude? (I don't want it to be rude.)

Edited May 31, 2017 by DesertBlossom

[zoobie]

I read an article on that too and also felt a little sad. I've told people their accents were lovely and asked where were they from. Part of it may be in the delivery/intent of the question. People ask me and I am not offended, but I'm a white lady and it may be privilege?

[Garga]

I have wondered this, too. There's a recent thread about strange things that someone has said to you and a number of them were, "They asked me where I'm from!" as if we should all be aghast about it. "How dare they ask where you're from! So rude!" This same disgust about the question has come up in other threads in the past as well.

 

I've read that it can be considered a microagression (I think that's what it is...), where you are subtly implying that the person doesn't belong here.

 

But, OP, I'm like you. I just think it's cool to know where people come from so we can maybe talk about their country if they want to. The idea that they might be lesser than me or that I'm trying to imply they are, is about as far from my thoughts as possible.

 

But I am supposing enough people do it with a tone that implies, "Where are you from? Because you're obviously not supposed to be here," that it's ruined the question for people asking it out of a genuine desire to connect.

 

ETA: And if the person is American and the questioner keeps harping on about it, then it can become rude. For example, I wouldn't ask an Asian-looking person where they were from unless they had an accent. Without an accent, I'd assume they were American. With an accent, I'd figure they had lived in another country and it would be a safe topic of conversation.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Garga

[Sneezyone]

In other threads I have seen a few people say (or imply) that it was rude to ask where someone is from. Is this generally considered rude? Because that kinda makes me sad.

 

I love to hear about where people come from and I only ask when it's obvious the person's native language is not English and it's likely they were not born here. I also speak Spanish fluently and have lived in and traveled to a few Central and South American countries and so I am always curious where people are from. Most Spanish speakers here are from Mexico but if their accent sounds different sometimes I will ask.

 

I have asked a couple check-out ladies where they were from. One said Persia (which made me go home and google that) and another said Iran. I am genuinely interested in finding out about people and their stories. (I really don't ask all that often though)

 

Is this rude? (I don't want it to be rude.)

 

To me, the question is fine so long as you are asking based on speech or accent rather than appearance. Funnily enough, we had a little girl over last week for a sleepover who is of Asian descent and attends DD's DoD school. Her English is that of a native speaker. When DD asked her 'Where are you from?" it was on the tip of my tongue to tell DD, "You know Americans come in all shapes/colors, right?" But before I could get that out, the girl says she's from Korea. She's literally a Korean national who came here by way of Saudi Arabia where her parent worked. Who'd know without asking?

Edited May 31, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Crimson Wife]

Yes, these days unfortunately it is considered rude to ask about someone's heritage.

 

The priest in our parish has an ambiguous appearance where he could've been Latino, light-skinned African-American, Mediterranean, Polynesian, etc. His name is Father Paul so that gives no hint. Turns out he is actually from India but I didn't find that out until he took a trip back there to visit family.

 

It doesn't make a difference in terms of how I treat him but it's sad that these days there is a presumption that when a European-American asks about someone's heritage, it is automatically seen as racist/xenophobic.

[maize]

Having lived myself as an expat in many countries I was never even slightly offended by people asking where I was from. 

 

I think it is mostly a problem when someone assumes from a person's appearance that they are foreign when in fact they are not.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Huh...well color me confused. I don't think it is rude.  I wouldn't find the question rude.

 

[DesertBlossom]

I read an article on that too and also felt a little sad. I've told people their accents were lovely and asked where were they from. Part of it may be in the delivery/intent of the question. People ask me and I am not offended, but I'm a white lady and it may be privilege?

What does that mean though? Privilege? I got asked all the time while in Central and South America where I was from.

[Alittledeal]

I am mixed race, white and black caribbean and sometimes I get annoyed by this question because /I/ am from England and I am British through and through and most of the time the questioner knows this and they are too lazy to ask, what is your heritage?

[Alittledeal]

However, as somebody above said, I have been asked this when outside of Birmingham or England based on my accent and that is a whole different story. That isn't remotely offensive.

 

It's the conversations that go like this that I find annoying (offensive is too strong)

 

A: Oh, where are you from?

Me: Birmingham

A: Yeah, but like where are you actually from?

Me: Birmingham (raises eyebrow)

Awkward pause

Me: Do you mean what is my heritage?

A: Oh yeah (awkward shuffle)

Edited May 31, 2017 by Alittledeal

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was one of the people who gave what I thought was a rude example.  Someone asked my husband where "his people" were from.  If they had asked "what is your ethnicity" it wouldn't have been as rude.  He thought of replying that "his people were the Newcastle 'Smiths'" but instead answered politely.  But it rankled.  No one asked me where "my people" were from and I didn't grow up in this country.  But he has brown skin and I don't.  And he has no ethnic accent at all.  And he grew up in this country and I didn't. 

[ErinE]

I ask, "Have you lived in the area long?" I like hearing where people are from, but I can understand if someone asks and especially keeps asking about a person's birthplace that it can be rude and annoying.

 

But I've had some of my favorite conversations talking about birthplaces. Just a few days ago, I met a woman from New Mexico. We reminisced about Carlsbad Caverns and Ruidoso, which led to another woman in the group planning a family vacation there.

[Jean in Newcastle]

However, as somebody above said though I have been asked this when outside of Birmingham or England based on my accent and that is a whole different story. That isn't remotely offensive.

 

It's the conversations that go like this that I find annoying (offensive is too strong)

 

A: Oh, where are you from?

Me: Birmingham

A: Yeah, but like where are you actually from?

Me: Birmingham (raises eyebrow)

Awkward pause

Me: Do you mean what is my heritage?

A: Oh yeah (awkward shuffle)

 

When I first went to college people would ask "where are you from" (not asking for heritage but where different people had literally come to college from).  I would answer "Japan" because that was where I came from just like my roommate came from Boston.  But invariably the person would say "No you didn't."  and I would say "yes I did."  "No you didn't."  I learned to say "I grew up in Japan" which stopped the arguments but of course opened up another whole line of questioning. 

[Tanaqui]

Asking where somebody is from is not the same as "asking their heritage". That's a silly, reductive statement.

[Sneezyone]

When I first went to college people would ask "where are you from" (not asking for heritage but where different people had literally come to college from).  I would answer "Japan" because that was where I came from just like my roommate came from Boston.  But invariably the person would say "No you didn't."  and I would say "yes I did."  "No you didn't."  I learned to say "I grew up in Japan" which stopped the arguments but of course opened up another whole line of questioning. 

 

My DD assumes everyone comes from somewhere else b/c she attends an international school. Most of the kids do come from somewhere else.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Sneezyone

[MEmama]

My mom got asked all.the.time when I was growing up and she hated it. I don't know if random people still inquire like they used to, but yes, she found it rude and offensive. She would wearily answer "up the street" or name our town, even though her accent gave her away as being an immigrant.

 

It would never occur to me to ask, unless I was getting to know someone as a new friend, or if it came up in conversation. But a stranger? Why should it be any of my business?

[Bluegoat]

I don't think it's rude.

 

It's true that people aren't always 100% clear about what thet are asking.  Sometimes you have to guess a bit based on context, or they need to clarify.  I don't think that makes it rude though.  It is rude to be annoyed with people because they aren't as perfect in their speech as you'd like.

 

I think it's natural enough to get tired of the same questions all the time if you find them boring.  That doesn't make it rude either though.

[DesertBlossom]

I was one of the people who gave what I thought was a rude example. Someone asked my husband where "his people" were from. If they had asked "what is your ethnicity" it wouldn't have been as rude. He thought of replying that "his people were the Newcastle 'Smiths'" but instead answered politely. But it rankled. No one asked me where "my people" were from and I didn't grow up in this country. But he has brown skin and I don't. And he has no ethnic accent at all. And he grew up in this country and I didn't.

The phrase "his people" is kind of bizarre. But even asking ethnicity isn't very specific. I've met Guatemalans of German descent and a lot of Argentines of Italian descent. I met one family in Argentina who had recently immigrated from the Ukraine. (I couldn't figure why the man's Spanish was so hard for me to understand until I figured out it was also his 2nd language)

 

I suppose I could go around asking everyone where they were from. But when it's obvious English is not their first language, you're much more likely to get an interesting answer.

 

That being said, my dad is fascinated by people's genealogy and he often asks about people's families. I got asked on a date by a guy who turned out to be my 2nd cousin. He came to pick me up and and of course my dad had to ask about who his parents were. (And no, he never asked me out again and yes, the whole date was incredibly awkward after that)

[SKL]

Personally I don't think it's rude, but I know some people say it is.  I don't see what's offensive about people being curious about one's story.  It's not like they're saying "go back where you came from."

 

And then since people are afraid to ask, people from other cultures often criticize "Americans" for being ignorant.  I've had this back-and-forth with many a foreign student.  I'm rude to ask, I'm ignorant if I don't know, I'm rude if I DO know and bring it up ....  So what is acceptable?  (Of course nowadays you can go home and google whatever you're curious about, but you're still rude if you mention it - and ignorant if you dont.  :P

 

I've been around the world, and 100% of the time, I've been asked by people in other countries where I'm from.  Therefore I vote "not rude"  I can't imagine being offended by being asked in a respectful tone, so I think the offense is manufactured.

 

I get being annoyed.  My kids used to get annoyed because 90% of the people we came across asked if they were twins.  Tiresome, but NOT rude.

[Alittledeal]

Asking where somebody is from is not the same as "asking their heritage". That's a silly, reductive statement.

No, it is not and that is precisely my point. I have worked in places where people come from all over the globe and so the question, where are you from? means exactly that and when I reply, Birmingham, the conversation continues. I'm not an idiot, I know when people are asking a genuine question and when people are being rude or thoughtless or lazy or whatever you want to call it.

 

I will add the caveat that this is something that particularly winds me up because I identify very strongly as English and maybe other people that are not white do not find it equally annoying.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Alittledeal

[SKL]

Well one thing just popped into my head.  I recall reading a book, can't remember the title but it was one of those John Holt books about why kids aren't learning in school ... anyhoo, early in the book, the author contrasted a younger classroom with an older one, where he asked a few questions - including "do you love your teacher?" "does your teacher love you?"  The little kids said "yes, yes."  The older kids said, "EEW NO, and "Where you from?"

 

Could it be that "where you from" is a regional or cultural term meaning "what's wrong with you" / "what planet are you from" kind of thing?  If so, then perhaps that is why some people consider "where are you from" to be an insult?

[Bluegoat]

"Your people" strikes me as a very rural turn of phrase.

[maize]

When I first went to college people would ask "where are you from" (not asking for heritage but where different people had literally come to college from).  I would answer "Japan" because that was where I came from just like my roommate came from Boston.  But invariably the person would say "No you didn't."  and I would say "yes I did."  "No you didn't."  I learned to say "I grew up in Japan" which stopped the arguments but of course opened up another whole line of questioning. 

 

"Where are you from" usually doesn't have a simple answer for third culture kids.

 

Which makes the question tiresome for sure!

[kitten18]

Almost everyone I talk to is at my kids' activities and we're usually talking about our kids, the local schools, our town, etc.

I usually ask, "Did you grow up here?"

They can answer with "here" being our town, state, or country. It then usually leads into a conversation about our heritage.

[Zinnia]

Every time I am asked this question, I take it very literally.  "Blah blah town, a medium sized university town about 90 minutes from here."  

 

And when I've asked it, I also mean it that way.  I used to work with someone who would answer "Jamaica Queens."  Well, if that isn't the coolest?!?  I have never met a real live New Yorker!  I mean, she was also Puerto Rican, but that wasn't why I was asking.  Just making conversation, and the NYC got me all excited.  

I feel very simple these days, though, in a culture of lots of talk about microagressions and unknowingly offending people and asking the wrong thing.  I generally ask for literal reasons, it's generally received like that, and everyone is smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation.

[Carrie12345]

This is SO strange after such a long thread about people making rude inferences about appearance.

[marbel]

I think this is one of those things that can be quite innocent and well-intended as a way to get to know people, but because some people are clumsy, or jerks, a general bias against it has developed in certain circles.  Actually, I'd never heard of any issues with it except here on this board and via links people have posted in the past.  I remember one which depicted a person very rudely insisting that a person "couldn't be from here" or some such - the details are gone but I remember that it was very over-the-top, extreme to the point of caricature.  Not that that means no one ever is like that - of course there are rude, clueless people around. 

 

My church has a lot of graduate students attending - people who come from all over the US and the world.  It would be very odd for me to meet a new student and not ask "where are you from?" whether they have an accent or not, because most people are from elsewhere.  But it's part of a conversation.   I've never had anyone ask me where I'm from that wasn't part of a conversation. Do people routinely walk up to strangers and randomly ask where they are from?  That would be weird.

 

Edited May 31, 2017 by marbel

[wintermom]

For 99.9% of us, "where are you from?" is simply a curious question to make conversation. It's not usually intended to offend, but it's also quite a personal question that isn't asked of everyone you meet.  Usually, it's only asked because of the obvious visual clues or the accent. It singles them out immediately as "not from here" or different. It's not necessarily meant to be negative, but since they do stand out, you can bet they are asked precisely this question a lot. It can lose it's appeal after years and years of being asked it, while no one else is.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 1, 2017 by wintermom

[Scarlett]

Every time I am asked this question, I take it very literally.  "Blah blah town, a medium sized university town about 90 minutes from here."  

 

And when I've asked it, I also mean it that way.  I used to work with someone who would answer "Jamaica Queens."  Well, if that isn't the coolest?!?  I have never met a real live New Yorker!  I mean, she was also Puerto Rican, but that wasn't why I was asking.  Just making conversation, and the NYC got me all excited.  

 

I feel very simple these days, though, in a culture of lots of talk about microagressions and unknowingly offending people and asking the wrong thing.  I generally ask for literal reasons, it's generally received like that, and everyone is smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation.

 

 

But then they go to WTM and complain about the rude lady asking where they are from.

 

Seriously, I feel simple too.  Everything offends someone. 

[Crimson Wife]

My mom got asked all.the.time when I was growing up and she hated it. I don't know if random people still inquire like they used to, but yes, she found it rude and offensive. She would wearily answer "up the street" or name our town, even though her accent gave her away as being an immigrant.

 

It would never occur to me to ask, unless I was getting to know someone as a new friend, or if it came up in conversation. But a stranger? Why should it be any of my business?

 

When I was growing up, "what are you?" (meaning which ethnicity) was a common icebreaker if the person's surname didn't give it away. But it was an almost all-white area so there wasn't the negative assumption that it was asked for malicious reasons.

[AnniePoo]

Dh is not white (he's biracial with a seldom-seen combination) and he detests that question. He knows he looks different. He feels different. And when people ask this, it feels like they're saying "you're different." It gets old.

[Anne]

Well, I would certainly never ask a random stranger where they are from.  However, I live in a place in which MOST people are from somewhere else - it's a reasonable topic when getting to know someone.   I would not open a discussion of ethnicity unless the other person brought it up or until I knew them better.   

 

Anne

[cave canem]

  I've never had anyone ask me where I'm from that wasn't part of a conversation. Do people routinely walk up to strangers and randomly ask where they are from?  That would be weird

My children have been asked this question countless times while, e.g., playing at a park or browsing at Trader Joe's.  I am willing to believe in the good intentions of the questioner if the questioner is willing to accept the answer "Town X" (in which the conversation is occurring) without following up with "I mean where are you really from?"

 

If someone wants to recite a complete birth/immigration history, that could make for an interesting conversation, but such sharing with strangers shouldn't be a requirement for using public space.

 

My children do not have a foreign accent, or the local English one for that matter, and the question is typically the overture, not precipitated by hearing my children's speech.

[Tanaqui]

I feel very simple these days, though, in a culture of lots of talk about microagressions and unknowingly offending people and asking the wrong thing.  I generally ask for literal reasons, it's generally received like that, and everyone is smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation.

 

The thing is, you're asking in a way that's one-and-done.

 

You're not pestering people and telling them they're wrong when you answer them, which happens to a lot of folks. I get it because of my foreign accent syndrome. It's annoying - but I bet it'd be more than just annoying if I wasn't white and the tacit assumption was that I wasn't really American. (As it is, people only ever guess other Anglophone countries. Not because I particularly sound Scottish/Irish/English/Welsh/South African, but because I'm white.)

[poppy]

So, what are you? is something we asked back in the day to kids who didn't look white.

"Where are you from" is the modern "what are you".

Yes it is a rude question.

 

But if a friendship develops, of course background and personal history comes up, it's not rude in that context .

 

But yeah.  "What do you do?"  is a coded way of asking how much money you make, and "Where are you from"  is a coded way of asking about race.   It's natural to be curious but, best to hold off. There are a million things to chat about.

[Mbelle]

Hmm..I don't think it's rude, but it can get annoying if the entire conversation then becomes about where you are from.  Dh is Australian and there is a positive bias about that which is convenient and even a plus in the business world, but then he's been here 20 years so it's old and when that is the first question you hear it's not really all of who you are etc.  It's different if it is a developing conversation where you are getting to know someone and that question evolves naturally as part of the growing conversation.  We are about to head over to Aus to visit family, so now it will be my turn and there's not always a positive bias about being from the US, so that it can get annoying after awhile.

[Arcadia]

We are asked and my husband would answer California if we are out of state and the city if we are in California. We don't find the question rude unless the person followed up with asking again where we are from before being in California.

[73349]

I think it's better to ask, "Are you from [town we're in]?" than "Where are you from?", and of course to take people's word for it--and not to ask people because you're curious about their appearance.

 

One member of my church, who is of Asian descent but has a neutral US accent, has mentioned that it is really, really tiresome to be asked that, to reply "Texas," and then to have someone insist that she must be "really from" somewhere else. She's really from Texas! Large numbers of people in my area are from other states. It's glaringly obvious that they're asking about her race.

[Scarlett]

I routinely get asked if I am Indian.  As in Native American.  I shrug and say, probably, but if you mean do I have a card, no.  Never offends me.  I mean, I look Indian.  The one time I was asked by a Chinese woman,  if I am Asian, I was very very confused but not at all offended.  I went around for days asking my friends if I look Asian.  Apparently I don't, but who knows. 

 

I have lived in the south my entire life...when I was visiting the PNWA I was asked 'where are you from?'  It did not offend me.  They were amused by my accent.  It didn't offend me. 

[Word Nerd]

So, what are you? is something we asked back in the day to kids who didn't look white.

"Where are you from" is the modern "what are you".

Yes it is a rude question.

 

But if a friendship develops, of course background and personal history comes up, it's not rude in that context .

 

But yeah.  "What do you do?"  is a coded way of asking how much money you make, and "Where are you from"  is a coded way of asking about race.   It's natural to be curious but, best to hold off. There are a million things to chat about.

 

I think it's also best to give people the benefit of the doubt and not look for hidden meanings and coded messages in idle chit chat. 

[Farrar]

I really don't think of this as being all that complex.

 

Not okay = accosting people randomly to ask where they come from, making it a leading or only question for anyone who isn't white or has an accent, assuming that someone of a different ethnicity must have been born in another country, disagreeing with or questioning someone when they give you an answer you don't expect

 

Okay = asking about where someone grew up or what someone's heritage is as one part of getting to know them in a social context, genuinely listening and being curious about what the heritage means for their experience or doesn't mean, not reducing that person to that being their only identity

[regentrude]

I have no qualms about asking a person with an accent where they are from. I ask "Where are you from originally? I'm from Germany".

 

Also, we're all (descendents of) immigrants. Your folks may have come a few generations earlier, but unless you're native American, you're family is originally from somewhere else. I fail to see what is rude about asking where somebody's family is from originally.

 

Edited May 31, 2017 by regentrude

[Farrar]

I think it's also best to give people the benefit of the doubt and not look for hidden meanings and coded messages in idle chit chat. 

 

Everyone is free to do that and optimistic life outlooks are nice. However, it's easier to choose that when you're not the person constantly being asked about it. And people also have the right to be annoyed.

[SKL]

So is it the intial "where are you from" in friendly getting-to-know-you chitchat that is offensive, or is it the follow-up, or the randomness?  I mean obviously it's obnoxious to argue with someone about whatever their answer is i.e. "you couldn't be Irish."  (We have a friend who was adopted from Korea and says she is Irish because her parents are Irish.  So people argue with her about that.)

 

And I'm sure the context does matter.  In my experience, it has come up in a multi-cultural social context, such as a party at a grad student's house or the home of an immigrant couple who invite many immigrant friends.  Of course I don't go up and say "hi, I'm SKL, where are you from?" but if the question comes up in friendly conversation, it is generally welcomed.  I've only had one person (a good friend by the way) who thought he should be offended by the question - and I think someone told him that.

 

In most general contexts, "where are you from" would not be something I'd ask, but there have been times similar has come up.  Once a fellow gym mom was reading a book in Telugu, and I recognized the script.  I asked her if that was Telugu.  She was thrilled to have connected with someone who had some clue about her culture.  I was able to suggest some ways to connect with people in the South Indian community (as she was new to the area).  So if that was rude, sue me.  I would do it again.  Another time I recognized the language spoken by a new family at horse riding, and they too were thrilled, and I was able to suggest the best ethnic restaurants for people of their culture.  Then again, maybe they went home and said "how rude," but I really don't care.

[regentrude]

But yeah.  "What do you do?"  is a coded way of asking how much money you make,

 

Huh? I have never found this to be the connotation of the question.

People ask what other people do because it is one of the questions that tells you a lot about a person's interests.

Most people in my circle would say that what they do is an integral part of who they are. They all love talking about what they do, because it's their passion. And a great conversation starter.

I have no clue what any of them earn.

 

 

Edited May 31, 2017 by regentrude

[poppy]

I think it's also best to give people the benefit of the doubt and not look for hidden meanings and coded messages in idle chit chat.

I'm completely sure the intent is good and well intention . I am equally sure the many people of color telling us they get asked it disproportionally are not lying either .

 

This is privilege is in a nutshell . Everyone is 'nice' but one person gets worn down - but can't talk about it or the one doing the hurting (with innocent intent) starts to feel like the REAL victim . And on and on.

[Guest]

I think they're calling it a microaggression now because it implies someone is foreign or 'less american' than you.

 

I personally think it depends on how it is asked. If someone has a cool accent or an unusual look then asking their familial heritage isn't inherently rude. But asking where they are from seems slightly different and maybe a little judgy or assumptive.

[Scarlett]

Huh? I have never found this to be the connotation of the question.

People ask what other people do because it is one of the questions that tells you the most about a person's interests.

Most people in my circle would say that what they do is an integral part of who they are. 

 

 

Exactly.  I work with the public and I asked that question of people all of the time.  Usually people who are showing a willingness to chit chat...but people never seem offended by it.  I get to know a lot about our customers, and the community that I live in....I am relatively new here. 

 

I sometimes think some people don't want to be asked ANYTHING. 

[poppy]

Huh? I have never found this to be the connotation of the question.

People ask what other people do because it is one of the questions that tells you a lot about a person's interests.

Most people in my circle would say that what they do is an integral part of who they are. They all love talking about what they do, because it's their passion. And a great conversation starter.

I have no clue what any of them earn.

No clue? If one friend is a dentist and another is a part time dog groomer, it's probably save to assume that one has a higher income level than the other .

 

I'm not saying we value high income friends more , just , I think that the question is very much about identity and I think class is fairly integral to identity for Americans.

Edited May 31, 2017 by poppy

[SporkUK]

I don't think it's rude or offensive; however, I am wary when I get asked that. I have people respond in so many different ways. I have had people discuss lovely trips they or others have had there. I have had people ask me to compare the weather. I have had people go on about how they'd love to go live there and do not get why I would leave. I have had people go on to tell me at least I'm one of the "good" immigrants only based on my country of origin. I have had people demand to know why I "still" have an accent after all these years. I have had people shocked I speak English at all or so well because of how I look and being listed as 'ethnicity: other' on forms - like I've literally had hospital staff mime 'eat' and different types of food at me. I often feel opening my mouth is taking a risk and answering questions on my past is laying myself vulnerable in a way I don't like to do with people I don't know very well. This is particularly true for me because it is pretty much always followed with asking me why I immigrated here which I still can't feel comfortable answering to strangers so come up with rosy half-truths. I'd really rather not have to do that but I've little other option once they ask. 

 

I understand people are curious but really, hearing over and over "I knew I heard an accent" or "I knew you weren't ~really~ from [city that has been my home for almost my entire adult life]" from people I've just met feels like people are saying "You obviously don't belong and you need to explain yourself for my interest". I mean, as interesting as people might find my past - I didn't get a choice in where I was born or how I talk  and there is no polite way for me to say "I don't want to discuss that with you, that's personal for me and I don't know if I can trust where this is going". That's true regardless of the person asking. Some people love discussing their past and heritage, I am not one of them. When there is a polite way for me not to talk about these things maybe it won't set off so many alarm bells when people inevitable asked because I've chosen to speak.