Is this rude to ask?

[Sneezyone]

Speaking of "are those kids yours" - here's something I get at restaurants with my kids.  About weekly, 5 of us go out to eat.  My South Asian friend, my two girls who are indiginous to Central America, and myself and another woman who are of European descent.  My kids are 10, but one could pass for younger I guess.  Anyhoo, kid orders and the waitress will ask "the parent" if it's OK.  I, as the parent, say it's fine.  Waitress asks and I answer a couple more times until finally my South Asian friend agrees it is OK.

 

I get why this happens.  I am 100% sure nobody is attempting to be rude.  However, I think it could be an opportunity for better training.  For one thing, it bugs my kids, who don't appreciate the assumption that the nearest brown-skinned person has to be their mom.  (My sugar-challenged kid is already crabby when she's hungry, so she has been known to pipe up with "SHE's my mom," pointing at me, which is also kind of awkward.)

 

I don't want to like it but I get it. My Aunt used to be asked all the time if she was the nanny when she took her kids to their neighborhood park.

[zaichiki]

Then you have a ton of options how to choose to answer:

"I was born in x". "I grew up in y"." My folks are from all over the place". "I live in Z". "I've lived all over" "Hard to say... chuckle"....

 

Even as a person with a known, boring heritage, I have answered the question "Where are you from?" in different ways, depending on context:

"I'm from ____town-in the US".

"I'm from ____state in the US"

"I'm from Germany".

"I'm from __town in Germany".

"I'm from the US".

 

What if the person doesn't want to share any personal details with a stranger?  How do they politely communicate "leave me alone and let me go about my day?"

[marbel]

Speaking of "are those kids yours" - here's something I get at restaurants with my kids.  About weekly, 5 of us go out to eat.  My South Asian friend, my two girls who are indiginous to Central America, and myself and another woman who are of European descent.  My kids are 10, but one could pass for younger I guess.  Anyhoo, kid orders and the waitress will ask "the parent" if it's OK.  I, as the parent, say it's fine.  Waitress asks and I answer a couple more times until finally my South Asian friend agrees it is OK.

 

I get why this happens.  I am 100% sure nobody is attempting to be rude.  However, I think it could be an opportunity for better training.  For one thing, it bugs my kids, who don't appreciate the assumption that the nearest brown-skinned person has to be their mom.  (My sugar-challenged kid is already crabby when she's hungry, so she has been known to pipe up with "SHE's my mom," pointing at me, which is also kind of awkward.)

 

From my perspective (an outsider who has not dealt with that particular problem), I think what your daughter does is great.  It's a good lesson for the waiter not to make assumptions.   But I can also see why it would get old, having to deal with it.  I kind of get it, as an older mom who has been mistaken for granny many times. 

Edited June 1, 2017 by marbel

[zaichiki]

Shutting down conversation without an attempt to read meaning is also rude.

 

I think this is a cultural perspective.

 

In some places, people would like to be given the prerogative to engage in conversation with strangers or not. They don't want to be forced into conversation (and then be seen as rude for not giving the person the conversation they want).

 

Who gets to decide? Who gets the "right?" Is the person who *wants* the conversation always in the right and the person who doesn't feel like having a conversation with a stranger right then always in the '"wrong?" Whose rights trump the other person's?  In the northeast of America, generally, unless we're given clear body language signals, we err on the side of giving strangers their privacy.  That is interpreted as respectful.

 

I think cultural differences could be the driving factor in people feeling "accosted" by personal questions from strangers who are just curious and just want to start a conversation.

[marbel]

What if the person doesn't want to share any personal details with a stranger?  How do they politely communicate "leave me alone and let me go about my day?"

 

Is that really a personal detail though?   I don't really care who knows I was born in Buffalo, NY, and it can be a bit of a conversation starter because it seems most everyone either knows someone from Buffalo or has something to say, good or bad, about Buffalo.  

 

Are people being detained by strangers pestering them about personal details?  

[LucyStoner]

What does what learn from "how 'bout them Cubbies?"

 

If two moms are standing around at the grocery store waiting for their kids to take turns on the horse ride and chatting...they aren't trying to learn anything. They are chatting to pass the time so that no one is standing there in awkward silence for 15 minutes.

 

And, if you read what I said...I promise you you would never have me walk up to you without any introduction and ask if all the kids are yours.

 

Because what I said was....in the course of a conversation. And the example I gave was moms standing around at the grocery store waiting. Moms who have already been chatting. Moms who are already discussing various things about their kids.

 

 

 

I was 18 when my oldest was born. Occasionally when I would shop with her, I would get asked if she was mine, because I was so young and young looking. Those who asked as part of a conversation.....not rude. Those who ask and then followed up with comments about teen moms having babies.....rude.

I read your posts and I take you are your word that you wouldn't be asking me. Now please take me at my word when I tell you that the people who are asking me actually are being rude, awkward, intrusive and some of them are being racist.

 

Passing the time waiting on the quarter op horsey ride does not an introduction make. In situations like that, I either don't feel the need to chat or if there is chatter, I have no shortage of topics to discuss that don't require me to ask after the parentage of the children or inquire as to where their ancestors lived.

Edited June 1, 2017 by LucyStoner

[Bluegoat]

You think that asking someone if all of their children "are theirs" is a neutral question?

 

Why not just ask "how many children do you have?"

 

I would say it's a pretty neutral question, unless they look disgusted or angry or something.. If I'm out and about with six of them, as sometimes happens, I am often asked if they are all mine.

 

And as it happens, only four are mine.  People sometimes still find that a lot and express their surprise.

[regentrude]

I think this is a cultural perspective.

 

In some places, people would like to be given the prerogative to engage in conversation with strangers or not. They don't want to be forced into conversation (and then be seen as rude for not giving the person the conversation they want).

 

Who gets to decide? Who gets the "right?" Is the person who *wants* the conversation always in the right and the person who doesn't feel like having a conversation with a stranger right then always in the '"wrong?" Whose rights trump the other person's?  In the northeast of America, generally, unless we're given clear body language signals, we err on the side of giving strangers their privacy.  That is interpreted as respectful.

 

I think cultural differences could be the driving factor in people feeling "accosted" by personal questions from strangers who are just curious and just want to start a conversation.

 

In the Midwest, random strangers talk to random strangers all the time. That is interpreted as being friendly.

 

ETA: Regional differences are funny. When my DD was home over break, she chatted with the usher at the movie theater in the next town about their respective Thanksgiving celebrations. Her boyfriend, who is from NYC was quite confused when he found out that DD didn't know the usher at all.

Edited June 1, 2017 by regentrude

[LucyStoner]

The only people who get asked "are they all yours" are families with a lot of kids or families where some or all of the kids are a different race than their mom and/or dad or assumed parent person.

 

At best it's just bad conversational skills. "Wow six kids" is about on par with "wow, how you've grown" when you haven't seen a child in 4 years. Scintillating conversation right there!

 

And when it involves issues of interracial marriage, adoption, fostering, blended families, it's can get very intrusive and weird very fast. "Do your kids have the same dad" is a loaded question in many socioeconomic groups.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was hoping that by asking the question (and participating in the thread) that people actually wanted to know why some people found it rude.  People have outlined what phrasing is rude and why.  And the context in which it is rude.  But from the amount of defending going on and apparent lack of understanding of context, I think that perhaps no one is listening.  (Other than the people who already knew the answer.) 

[Bluegoat]

This makes me wonder where this sort of thing happens to people.  

 

I've lived all my life in diverse metropolitan areas on either east or west coast.   I can't comprehend the notion that there are people who think someone who is not white must come from another country.  (Please note that I said "can't comprehend" not "I disagree with.")    It makes no sense to me, but I wonder if that's because of where I've lived.   

 

There are places where some ethnic groups are clearly not local, or very likely non-local.  I lived in a town that was like that - there was a white majority with good sized black and First Nations population.  There was also one Chinese family that had been there for a long time ad was quite large, so any given Chinese person was likely to be asked if they belonged to that family, otherwise they were from away.

 

My dh's last name is the same as one of the old families in that town, so people tended to assume we were related to them.

 

My mom, in grade 8, had an exchange student from rural Quebec come to stay with her.  She managed to offend some girls on the ferry by staring at them - she had never seen anyone who was black before.

[zaichiki]

I know this is such a trivial question in this thread, but I am fascinated by this.  What does that mean?   Like, there's a big football rivalry?  Or your school had some scandal attached to it?  

 

Hard to imagine having to brace myself for such a question.  And I did not to to an impressive school.  

My dd has learned to be wary when people ask what music school she attends *because* she has had a number of experiences where people will immediately judge her and decide she is a certain kind of person with certain goals because of it. (There have been times when other kids who have been friendly with her, new friends, immediately treated her differently at the moment they learned where she went to school.)

 

I have a friend who went to Brown. Where we live, in this rural area, many people have a "knee-jerk" reaction to people who have attended Ivy League schools and have decided these people are elitist and think they are superior.  This judgment is SO COMMON, that my friend will *not* say they went to Brown when conversation turns to college.  Instead, she says "I went to school in Rhode Island."  I actually knew her pretty well for a while before she would share that she attended Brown. She kept deflecting the topic. I have met others who do not mention MIT, Yale, Harvard, or Princeton. This is a learned response. It is because they have gotten judged and treated differently by people who have stereotyped them and treated them differently.

[HS Mom in NC]

One problem is people tend to be isolated from some of the more grim possibilities.  "Do they all have the same father?" is loaded with peril if you think beyond your own experience.  Let's face it, they're not asking if the man of the house is a father in every respect other than biology.  They're asking how many men she made a baby with or if the kids are fostered or adopted.  What about situations where she was raped and it resulted in a baby she kept?  What if the father is a deadbeat and the kid is aware that deadbeat dad doesn't give rip about them?  What if mom left abusive bio-dad after he abused the children, including sexually?  What if bio-dad lost child to foster care because he beat the child unconscious with a baseball bat when he was 5 and the child goes white and shakey when his father is mentioned even in his teens?  What if, brace yourselves, bio-mom and bio-dad encouraged and watched older teen sibling rape younger sibling as a preschooler before younger sibling was sent into fostercare? I personally know of every single one of those situations and have met those children IRL. 

If none of those scenarios ever occurred to you, be thankful you've had such a great life insulated and isolated from nasty realities, but don't tell yourself those kids and their parents should just have to deal with your innocent curiosity. They're just kids and you're an adult who should be able to think beyond yourself.  Parentage is an incredibly difficult subject for many kids in fostercare and other adoption situations and America is flooded with them, so it's not like you're never going to encounter one at the grocery store with their other siblings who don't look like them.  Now you know, and there's a responsibility in knowing.  Anyone who reads this post should no longer ask strangers about the parentage of their children. 

[SKL]

ETA: Regional differences are funny. When my DD was home over break, she chatted with the usher at the movie theater in the next town about their respective Thanksgiving celebrations. Her boyfriend, who is from NYC was quite confused when he found out that DD didn't know the usher at all.

 

My South Asian friend was horrified at first when she saw me saying "hi" and "thank you" and smiling at the bus driver and a few other workers as we were running errands.  She thought I was "coming on" to those people (which is really dangerous as in could easily end in groping / rape where she came from).  Hmm, good to know!  I in my turn had to teach her that she really must force herself to say "please" and "thank you," even if the server was clearly below her social class.

 

I too find these differences entertaining.  I usually give people the benefit of the doubt even if they say something that seems ridiculous to me, because I've seen such a range of what is "polite."

[Bluegoat]

What if the person doesn't want to share any personal details with a stranger?  How do they politely communicate "leave me alone and let me go about my day?"

 

You could say "I'm not interested in talking to you."  You could excuse yourself.  Wear shirts with controversian slogans so people won't approach you.

[Bluegoat]

In the Midwest, random strangers talk to random strangers all the time. That is interpreted as being friendly.

 

ETA: Regional differences are funny. When my DD was home over break, she chatted with the usher at the movie theater in the next town about their respective Thanksgiving celebrations. Her boyfriend, who is from NYC was quite confused when he found out that DD didn't know the usher at all.

 

The same is true here, it's often given as a reason we are a tourist destination.

 

Though, interestingly I also have heard people say they consider people here to be somewhat reserved and that it can take time to form really intimate relationships.  Which maybe is why I don't see these kinds of questions, for the most part, as being very intrusive.

[SKL]

And when it involves issues of interracial marriage, adoption, fostering, blended families, it's can get very intrusive and weird very fast.

 

On the other hand, it's also an opportunity to help an inexperienced person learn a little more about the world.  Maybe if  sharing were more the norm, there would be fewer ignorant people needing to be educated.

 

I get that some days we're not in the mood.  For that or any other conversation.  But in my experience, people are usually happy to chat when they are otherwise idle.  There are well-known strategies to avoid it when they aren't.  :)

[Word Nerd]

I was hoping that by asking the question (and participating in the thread) that people actually wanted to know why some people found it rude. People have outlined what phrasing is rude and why. And the context in which it is rude. But from the amount of defending going on and apparent lack of understanding of context, I think that perhaps no one is listening. (Other than the people who already knew the answer.)

I think most posters agree that the question can be rude depending on how it is asked, where you live, the tone, and other factors but that in general it's just intended as a conversation starter. That shows more understanding of context than taking the position that it's always rude no matter what.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Word Nerd

[zaichiki]

I get why this happens.  I am 100% sure nobody is attempting to be rude.  However, I think it could be an opportunity for better training.  For one thing, it bugs my kids, who don't appreciate the assumption that the nearest brown-skinned person has to be their mom.  (My sugar-challenged kid is already crabby when she's hungry, so she has been known to pipe up with "SHE's my mom," pointing at me, which is also kind of awkward.)

A friend of my dd's, who is half Chinese, has shared with us that *every* time she goes out in public where another Asian adult is in the area, people *always* assume *that* adult is her mother/father or somehow "the person she is with." She laughed it off, BUT *she* brought up the topic in a way that made it clear that it has gotten old and it really bothers her. It has happened her whole life. Sometimes she just wants to not "stand out."

[Arcadia]

DH (asian) gets asked more often, and it slides into racist territory pretty often. If he answers *Canadian City* he will often get a pause. Which will often lead into another variation of WAYF. The whiter the group/community, the more often it happens. He has subconsciously developed a defense mechanism: He answers WAYF with "*Canadian City*, born and raised". Politely shutting down further inquiry. He didn't consciously realize he was doing this until the related "What are you" issue started to come up with our kids, and he supplied them with "Canadian, born and raised."

One of my Chinese neighbor is born in San Francisco and raised in the region. When she says that she was born and grew up in the San Francisco area, strangers have asked where her parents are from. It was a one sided interrogation kind of conversation. It is the pigeonhole effect. I am not from the states so people don't ask further unless they are from China or Taiwan and want to discuss cheap airfares and hometowns. However they state their intent clearly asking if I am from China or Taiwan and do I know any cheap airfares.

 

One of my close friend married a Chinese guy born and raised in Toronto. He is a chatty kind of person and he would say where he is from before asking someone in a social gathering, takes the answer for what it is and he doesn't prod. If the person is not in the mood to chat he just move along.

 

Last year we were waiting for the Megabus from Baltimore to Toronto. A French Canadian chatted with us asking where our destination was since we were all waiting for the bus and standing near him. He told us he was born and raised in Toronto, goes back every weekend if possible and is hoping to find a job back home. Then he asked if we are from the area as Asians aren't common in Baltimore. We said we are from Silicon Valley and the conversation turns to jobs opportunities in various places. Never prod about where we were from or where our ancestors were from.

[zaichiki]

Is that really a personal detail though?   I don't really care who knows I was born in Buffalo, NY, and it can be a bit of a conversation starter because it seems most everyone either knows someone from Buffalo or has something to say, good or bad, about Buffalo.  

 

Are people being detained by strangers pestering them about personal details?  

Yes: where someone is born is a personal detail.

Yes: people do get repeatedly "detained" by strangers asking them personal details.

[LucyStoner]

I think most posters agree that the question can be rude depending on how it is asked, where you live, the tone, and other factors but that in general it's just intended as a conversation starter. That shows more understanding of context than taking the position that it's always rude no matter what.

I don't think it is always rude no matter what but it can be very exhausting.

 

I have my niece and nephew the most often when something very, let's just say "not good" is going on in their family. I thus tend to get these questions the most often when there is some stressful shit going on. I'm trying to think of times anyone who knew me well enough to know even my name asked me these sorts of questions and I am drawing a blank. I can't think of any circumstances where it's a nice little conversation starter, especially because it literally only happens when I am have my neice and nephew. If my niece and nephew were white, I doubt I would have experienced this.

 

Intent matters but so does impact.

[DesertBlossom]

Sure. But if people, multiple people, let you know that a particular question is problematic, is it really such a burden to avoid it? That one specific line of questioning?

Multiple people in this thread have also said they don't mind the questions. It doesn't sound like even the majority of people are offended by these questions.

[SKL]

For the record, speaking for myself, I don't use "where are you from" as a conversation starter.  But I don't avoid the topic in a situation where it is expected that people will chat about all sorts of things.  You break the ice with something safe and see if that person appears open to more.

 

Frankly it doesn't actually do anything for me to talk to people who don't want to talk to me, LOL.  I can take a hint.  I'd just as soon get another piece of cake and listen to the band. :P

[LucyStoner]

I don't take offense so much as I find it exhausting and boring. I save any offense for the people who say more explicitly racist things.

[zaichiki]

You could say "I'm not interested in talking to you."  You could excuse yourself.  Wear shirts with controversian slogans so people won't approach you.

So... you think "I'm not interested in talking to you" is a polite response? (I did ask for an example of a *polite* way to not engage in a personal conversation with strangers.)

[HS Mom in NC]

Another thing to keep in mind when asking strangers questions, is that they may not have time or energy to walk you through it.  When my youngest arrived from S. Korea at 7 months old, she had adjustment issues as you can imagine.  She didn't sleep for more than 1. 5 hours at a stretch for months.  Then it was a few hours at a stretch for months.  She didn't sleep through the night until she was 2.  My older two were 7 and 9 and homeschooling.  This was 2006, back when international adoption was very popular due to different international policies.  I hated, hated, hated going to the grocery store with her (with attachment issues you can't just leave her with someone else) because people would stop and ask me a long list of questions, and I just need to get in, get the essentials and get out so I could take my older kids to piano lessons, gymnastics, and homeschool groups.  I didn't have 15-20 minutes to explain:

1. where she's from(Korea.)

2. which Korea (South Korea.  North Korea is a prison camp; the whole country -no one is allowed out. Do people not watch/read the news?)

3. the differences in Korea's adoption policies vs. other countries (They're all different; Korea is the most stringent but I don't have time to tell you about the kinds of documents, the state an federal background checks, the financial and insurance criteria, education level requirements, the 3 hour individual interviews for each parent, the 3 hour couples interview, home studies and such. )
4. if we traveled there (No, we had her escorted by a Korean social worker from Seoul to LA and an American social worker from LA to PHX.)

5. what it cost (I won't answer that anyway.)
6. how long it took (A year.)

7. why people in Korea only want one boy (No, they don't have a one child policy, you're thinking of China.) 

8. why Koreans place babies for adoption (No, I'm not getting into cultural issues about illegitimacy right now, I'm very busy.)

9. if we'll tell her she's adopted (Really? Is that a serious question?)

10. why we adopted (No, I'm not going to discuss any medical/infertility/family building philosophy with you.)

11. why we didn't adopt from the US (I don't have time to explain the odds in 2006 of adopting a foster kid-extremely low then or the costs of private adoption and why it's so hard and expensive.)

12. other miscellaneous questions that aren't as frequent.
13. then they all wanted to tell me in great detail about their cousin/friend/co-woker/church member who adopted internationally.

[solascriptura]

When asking this, most people have no ill intent. However, there are better ways of asking this that are clearer and carry less triggers for the other person. Isn't this reason enough to change your vocabulary? For example, the early to mid 20th century's word for a person of African American descent. Most used that word, but as time progressed it was no longer acceptable and even offensive. Similar situation.

[SKL]

So... you think "I'm not interested in talking to you" is a polite response? (I did ask for an example of a *polite* way to not engage in a personal conversation with strangers.)

 

A "polite" way to avoid random conversations on the street / grocery line would be to appear very very interested in something else - something on your smart phone, your kid's hair, the ingredients in the product you are buying, or how the fans are rotating on the ceiling.

 

A "polite" way to avoid discussing something painful in a social context, where chatting is expected, is to offer a vague answer and change the subject to something safer.  For example:  "how's your wife doing?"  "Oh fine - say, do you have any vacation plans this summer?  I'm thinking of ...."

[Bluegoat]

So... you think "I'm not interested in talking to you" is a polite response? (I did ask for an example of a *polite* way to not engage in a personal conversation with strangers.)

 

No, it isn't polite.  I think in quite a few situations, there is no polite way to avoid it - interacting with others, even if they are boring r poor conversationalists, or if you dislike small talk, is what is polite.

 

Your best bet is generally to excuse yourself, or carry around a book.

[zaichiki]

A "polite" way to avoid random conversations on the street / grocery line would be to appear very very interested in something else - something on your smart phone, your kid's hair, the ingredients in the product you are buying, or how the fans are rotating on the ceiling.

 

A "polite" way to avoid discussing something painful in a social context, where chatting is expected, is to offer a vague answer and change the subject to something safer.  For example:  "how's your wife doing?"  "Oh fine - say, do you have any vacation plans this summer?  I'm thinking of ...."

So, in order to politely avoid personal interrogations, one must take pains to constantly fiddle with things and look at the ceiling?  Seems over-the-top.

 

IME, I have had people walk right up to me, even though I was obviously engaged in other things. People have "grilled" me in public before. I normally don't perseverate on it -- I go ahead and go about my day. But, I do wish people would think about others' possible points-of-view and not just their own curiosity before they speak to strangers.

[zaichiki]

No, it isn't polite.  I think in quite a few situations, there is no polite way to avoid it - interacting with others, even if they are boring r poor conversationalists, or if you dislike small talk, is what is polite.

 

Your best bet is generally to excuse yourself, or carry around a book.

Oh, I'm fine interacting with others.  I'm fine with small talk. I'm not an introvert at all. What I *don't like* is personal questions from strangers.  I wish people would simply *not* ask strangers personal questions. It's not that hard, actually. (*I* don't ask strangers personal questions when I'm out and about.)

[zaichiki]

Oh, I'm fine interacting with others.  I'm fine with small talk. I'm not an introvert at all. What I *don't like* is personal questions from strangers.  I wish people would simply *not* ask strangers personal questions. It's not that hard, actually. (*I* don't ask strangers personal questions when I'm out and about.)

And to expand on that... I generally don't ask strangers questions at all. For small talk, I'll make comments such as "Oh he's so adorable!" (Okay, sometimes I'll ask, "how old is he?") Or I might say something about myself, such as, "We tried that brand, too, and we really like it." But I am very careful to make sure the body language is open to small talk: I don't just walk up and start talking to strangers and I would never interrupt someone who was engaged in something else. 

[Bluegoat]

When asking this, most people have no ill intent. However, there are better ways of asking this that are clearer and carry less triggers for the other person. Isn't this reason enough to change your vocabulary? For example, the early to mid 20th century's word for a person of African American descent. Most used that word, but as time progressed it was no longer acceptable and even offensive. Similar situation.

 

It depends - I think the idea that x is offensive so lets set it aside can be very simplistic.  That response often doesn't get to the real root of the problem and so doesn't actually change anything, other than on the surface.  The problem may also be with the interpretation of those who are having a problem.  Addressing the surface elements can lead to further problems as well, as it takes energy that could be more usefully directed.  People can use the impulse to control what people say for other ends of their own, as well.

 

As an small example - I remember a woman who was terribly offended that a nurse called her daughter by a pet name "my lover" or something like that.  It was very much the kind of thing that might bother someone of her social background and education - not using someone's real name, ideas around consent, choosing one's form of address, assumed intimacy.  That was the context she was understanding the interaction in, especially I think because it was at a public vaccination clinic she really preferred not to participate in.

 

 What was interesting to me though was to think about it from the other perspective, which looked an awful lot like an upper middle class woman resenting working class speech patterns and familiarity being used by someone she saw as less educated than she.  She'd have had some cause to be offended, too, if she was told she had to drop all of her colloquial speech.

[Arcadia]

IME, I have had people walk right up to me, even though I was obviously engaged in other things. People have "grilled" me in public before.

My husband has learned to answer with "Do I know you?" followed by "What is the purpose of this conversation?". He learned that from his European colleagues.

 

I have given a "Do I know you?" look and just break eye contact or walked away. Most people get the hint. My husband was military (operations) while I had worked in air bases. With persistent strangers, I find having a "military stone faced look" helps to stop conversation since I am not interested in interrogating them.

 

ETA:

I was tempted to wear a Disney Grumpy dwarf T-shirt to Disneyland. They sell the Grumpy shirts and sweatshirts at Disney stores here.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Arcadia

[Bluegoat]

And to expand on that... I generally don't ask strangers questions at all. For small talk, I'll make comments such as "Oh he's so adorable!" (Okay, sometimes I'll ask, "how old is he?") Or I might say something about myself, such as, "We tried that brand, too, and we really like it." But I am very careful to make sure the body language is open to small talk: I don't just walk up and start talking to strangers and I would never interrupt someone who was engaged in something else. 

 

What counts as personal doesn't seem to be universally agreed upon.  I don't consider things like where I come from, where my ancestors come from, or how many kids I have, to be personal - anyone could find those things out easily.  Have I ever contracted a social disease, am I an alcoholic, and who did I vote for, would all be personal.

[Tanaqui]

To your first part...I absolutely understand that SOME are being rude and racist etc.  All I ask is that when I encounter people they consider me as an individual and not assume that because they have had experiences with OTHER people...who are not me...in the past, that they don't assume I am the same as those other people.

 

If lots of people have told you that this question is rude, but you insist on asking it anyway (because after all, you don't "mean" to offend), then you're being rude. And if you're expecting that minorities should answer you and everybody else who asks them this question, without getting tetchy, then you're also being racist.

 

I don't need to assume you're the same as those other people. Your actions speak for yourself.

[SKL]

I wonder what they'll think in Europe, on my trip this summer, if I respond to every "where are you from" with "that's too personal! Are you only asking me that because of my looks / accent?!"  Should be a fun social experiment ....

[Carrie12345]

I wonder what they'll think in Europe, on my trip this summer, if I respond to every "where are you from" with "that's too personal! Are you only asking me that because of my looks / accent?!"  Should be a fun social experiment ....

 

Have you spent your life marginalized by Europe?  If so, yes, I think it would be an interesting social experiment.

[SKL]

Oh, I'm fine interacting with others.  I'm fine with small talk. I'm not an introvert at all. What I *don't like* is personal questions from strangers.  I wish people would simply *not* ask strangers personal questions. It's not that hard, actually. (*I* don't ask strangers personal questions when I'm out and about.)

 

Well aren't most questions kind of personal?  Can you give me some examples of chitchat questions/statements that are not personal and don't get tiresome quickly?

 

I mean even "your kid is cute" is very personal.  Some people have gotten in a major tizzy and accused strangers of "attempted human trafficking" over less than that.  :P  "Go Cubs" can be borderline violent.  :P

 

I think that depending on where you live, you may just have to accept this level of interaction as the majority in some locations consider it normal and healthy.

 

Trust me, I get not wanting to talk.  I would love to be able to avoid it most of the time.  But that's MY personal issue.

[SKL]

Have you spent your life marginalized by Europe?  If so, yes, I think it would be an interesting social experiment.

 

Well maybe I spend too much time around immigrants who are NOT marginalized but are rather very respected, successful members of the community.  My bad.

[VaKim]

No idea if this has been brought up, but this country, let alone the whole world, is full of small "cultural areas," if you will. Where I live, people are extremely casual. It is perfectly normal for the checker in the grocery store to look at something you are buying and ask how you like it, or if you are buying a lot of hamburgers, if you are having a big picnic or whatever. People who don't know each other talk about all kinds of things in the store or on the street. I am sure someone from a more "formal" sub culture would be highly offended by some of our questions. 

 

Like a pp said, we can't go around trying to predict how someone is going to react to our casual, friendly conversation. I am not talking about purposely or obviously offensive questions (like why don't you go on a diet, or where did you get that ugly outfit). I am talking about everyday small-talk. Just for the record. I find it pretty obvious when offense is intended. If you choose to be offended by every little thing that anybody says, then it is you who have the problem. Too many people these days seem to be looking for something to be offended by. 

Edited June 1, 2017 by VaKim

[PhotoGal]

Oh, man. This is such an issue and so hard to explain to people. We get questions all the time about our kids who are adopted (not about their bio brother who is standing right there). One of my girls, in particular, is very aware of this. How do you think it makes her feel to be singled out so often?  

 

We get the same about some of our kids with visible special needs. When someone asks, "what's wrong with him?" because my son is in a wheelchair I *really* want to ask, "What is wrong with you?!"  But I actually answer politely and keep my feelings to myself. Maybe if I did show my emotions about it, people would learn from the experience? Or they would just say how rude parents of special needs kids are because after all, they were just curious and the information is so interesting.

 

The thing is, sometimes I just want to buy some groceries or go to the park, that's it. :)

 

 

[VaKim]

 

I'm a pretty friendly person by nature. I quite enjoy small talk. I would LOVE it if more people could ask "how do you like those burgers?" instead of "where are you from?" more often!

 

That still doesn't mean I am actually offended every time someone pops the question, but that person isn't the only one asking that question; they're just one in a sea of people asking the same question. There is a difference between being offended or thinking someone is rude and simply wishing people could stop asking that question.

 

I do believe that hearing that question often can make children feel "other", like they do not belong. That is my main reason for disliking it, really.

Oh, I agree completely that some questions or statements can get tiring when heard over and over. But as long as it isn't the same person asking over and over, I just choose to assume that each person is only one person and has no responsibility to make sure they don't repeat things you have already heard a million times. They probably have no idea just how often you've heard it. And I agree that being tired of something and offended by it are two different things entirely. As I said (or meant to), I haven't read all the posts. 

[skywards]

Well aren't most questions kind of personal?  Can you give me some examples of chitchat questions/statements that are not personal and don't get tiresome quickly?

 

I mean even "your kid is cute" is very personal.  Some people have gotten in a major tizzy and accused strangers of "attempted human trafficking" over less than that.  :p  "Go Cubs" can be borderline violent.  :p

 

I think that depending on where you live, you may just have to accept this level of interaction as the majority in some locations consider it normal and healthy.

 

Trust me, I get not wanting to talk.  I would love to be able to avoid it most of the time.  But that's MY personal issue.

Go cubs? GO CUBS? HOW COULD YOU. Everyone knows the only team that exists is the Cardinals. Gosh. So offended right now. 

[Scarlett]

Sure. But if people, multiple people, let you know that a particular question is problematic, is it really such a burden to avoid it? That one specific line of questioning?

The people who have said they find it rude? Sure I won't be asking them any thing. Not everyone feels the same way though.

[VaKim]

Oh, man. This is such an issue and so hard to explain to people. We get questions all the time about our kids who are adopted (not about their bio brother who is standing right there). One of my girls, in particular, is very aware of this. How do you think it makes her feel to be singled out so often?  

 

We get the same about some of our kids with visible special needs. When someone asks, "what's wrong with him?" because my son is in a wheelchair I *really* want to ask, "What is wrong with you?!"  But I actually answer politely and keep my feelings to myself. Maybe if I did show my emotions about it, people would learn from the experience? Or they would just say how rude parents of special needs kids are because after all, they were just curious and the information is so interesting.

 

The thing is, sometimes I just want to buy some groceries or go to the park, that's it. :)

Ok, I have to agree that asking "what is wrong" with a child in a wheelchair, or even asking about adopted children, is just crass and nosey. In my posts, I was referring to the original pp and similar questions. I do not in any way find it rude to ask someone where they are from if they are obviously not from "around here," due to accents, dress, etc. I am genuinely interested and don't mind when people elsewhere do the same to me (generally due to my twangy accent.) There are always boundaries to be respected. The problem these days is people keep moving them every day. 

[SKL]

You know what really gets old?  "How ya doin."  I would rather be asked an actual question.

[SKL]

I just remembered a little chitchat that happened long ago, when I was visiting my hometown.  This occurred while at a checkout counter.

 

Hi Mrs. A!  How ya doin?

Oh good, how's school?

Oh fine, how are your daughters?

Well ___ just found out she's pregnant out of wedlock ....

Me: [obviously not paying attention, just going through the motions] That's nice.  Well bye!

 

A few seconds later I realized what had actually been said, and that I'd just said it's nice that her daughter had an unplanned pregnancy.  (This was decades ago, when you didn't tell moms that was nice.)

 

Not sure what this has to do with the OP, but yeah, random chitchat ... it's part of the culture.

[DawnM]

Another thing to keep in mind when asking strangers questions, is that they may not have time or energy to walk you through it.  When my youngest arrived from S. Korea at 7 months old, she had adjustment issues as you can imagine.  She didn't sleep for more than 1. 5 hours at a stretch for months.  Then it was a few hours at a stretch for months.  She didn't sleep through the night until she was 2.  My older two were 7 and 9 and homeschooling.  This was 2006, back when international adoption was very popular due to different international policies.  I hated, hated, hated going to the grocery store with her (with attachment issues you can't just leave her with someone else) because people would stop and ask me a long list of questions, and I just need to get in, get the essentials and get out so I could take my older kids to piano lessons, gymnastics, and homeschool groups.  I didn't have 15-20 minutes to explain:

 

1. where she's from(Korea.)

2. which Korea (South Korea.  North Korea is a prison camp; the whole country -no one is allowed out. Do people not watch/read the news?)

 

 

My son is from Inner Mongolia, which is part of China.  It is not part of Mongolia.  People don't ever understand that, even once I explain.   I say, "We adopted from China" and they ask, "Which part?"  I say Inner Mongolia."  They say, "OH, he's MONGOLIAN."  

 

No, he is Han Chinese, if you traveled to INNER Mongolia, you will see Mongolians and Chinese people.    

 

Mongolia is an entirely different country.

 

But I don't have the patience to deal with all that, so I just say, "Northern China" which is true.

Edited June 2, 2017 by DawnM