PSA, JAWM, Vent: "Plans" to get together

[Rebel Yell]

Reminder, this is a JAWM! But please feel free to vent and commiserate. Please no defending the offenders... start your own thread, THANKS!

 

Background: I have very few IRL friends. And even fewer family. Only child, no in-laws, no extended family, no cousins nearby. (Just DH's and my widowed moms) I'm way way past mom's playgroup meet ups, kids are much too old for me to hang out with the mom while they do their event or activity/class/etc. The ladies who work have tight schedules, homeschoolers are sparse at high school age and schedules don't mesh, ladies who don't work almost all have preschoolers... and nearly everyone I'd like to become closer with has larger extended family very nearby and so doesn't really want or need an outsider, so just trust me when I say there are very very few options for adult female friends.

 

My PSA/vent: PLEASE don't say things like "Oh my gosh I'd love to get together!" if you don't mean it. I understand being busy-I have/had crazy schedules and even cars that only run occasionally. But it crushes my soul every time I reach out to plan something with someone who expressed interest and it will never happen.

 

I'm just so sad today. The few ladies I've become close with over the years have all moved out of state. I don't have sisters or sisters in law to do stuff with. I love DH & the girls, but I really really need an actual live local human female friend.

 

Thanks for listening, you friends here are awesome!

Edited January 24, 2017 by Rebel Yell

[AnneBlessedx4]

I don't really "like" this, but I can relate.  It stinks.  :(

[Tess in the Burbs]

Totally understand.  Hope can find some new connections soon.  I skipped church on Sunday to go hiking with a women's group just in hopes of meeting one gal I connected with.  I'm planning to try some other new things soon as well.  It's so hard the older I get to make friends.  

[MysteryJen]

I totally understand. And I am sorry. I have found having teens much more isolating that having toddlers.

[ErinE]

I'm just so sad today. The few ladies I've become close with over the years have all moved out of state. I don't have sisters or sisters in law to do stuff with. I love DH & the girls, but I really really need an actual live local human female friend.

 

Thanks for listening, you friends here are awesome!

I hear you. I love my DH. He is my best friend. But sometimes I need that female friend. I've found them in every location we've lived except here and I love it here!!

 

I'm putting myself out there. I'm reaching out, spending time with other women, but so far it hasn't worked. I've thought about hosting a book club, but I haven't enjoyed them in the past (the authors weren't my cup of tea and no one ever read the book). I used to host a Wednesday Wine dinner which worked out well. I served the main course while the ladies brought their kids and side dishes, but I don't know enough ladies to start one. Plus, the kids' extracurriculars are taking up all my evening time.

[Selkie]

:grouphug:   I can relate, too. 

[sbgrace]

:grouphug: I wish you were near me. :grouphug:  I'm sad for you.

 

 

Edited January 24, 2017 by sbgrace

[kiana]

Oh gosh yeah. 

 

"girl let me know when you come to ___, we gotta get together, it'd be awesome"

 

"hey I'm gonna be in ___ in a month"

 

"......."

[Katy]

I totally get it.  We move every few years and haven't found friends here yet.

 

This is why we go to church.  Sure, it's probably good for kids, but I personally don't believe God cares what we do Sunday morning. Mostly it's good for me to find a small group of other adults (mid 20's-mid 40's) who have social functions frequently where it's easy to make friends.

 

Are there meetup.com events nearby?  Or book clubs organized by your local library? A sierra club or woman's hiking group?  A health food store that has those local magazines/small newspapers about local events and groups you can join?  An organization you believe in that you could volunteer at and meet some people that way?  Is there a sport or martial art that you've always been interested in?  Do you live in a small town with a volunteer fire department and ambulance crew that you could join (they typically give free training for the all volunteer departments).

[Anne in CA]

Yes, I worked evenings and weekends for years and had few female friends, and when someone did want to do something and then cancel after I would take off work to make it happen, it was crushing. I finally found a Bible study where it was the quirkiest group of gals but every Tuesday we had a lot of fun, we even sang together. Also, I found a group of ladies that I painted with. If you have ANY interest in painting it is a super way to meet fun people. It doesn't cost much once you have basic supplies and I met many fun ladies taking park and rec painting classes. We just had so much fun painting. I haven't painted anything since we bought the restaurant and I miss it bunches. I miss the quality time with ladies. I have female friends now that we have the restaurant, one that I quilt with. We set up our sewing machines in the woods and that's great, but she doesn't live here, she just comes camping. I also had lots of fun with the theater moms from dd's theater group when I lived in Oregon. Theater parents are AWESOME. If you have a kid interested in theater it is worth doing for the adult friends YOU will probably make. Sewing costumes, painting scenery, organizing snacks, putting on make up, those things really bond you quickly. 

[Catwoman]

I don't know where you live, but if you post a general location here, one or more of us might be local and want to get together.

 

Alternatively, you could try to organize a WTM meet-up in your area and see who responds.

 

I hope you find a friend soon. :grouphug:

[Guest]

I hate that. Hate it. If I say I want to get together I mean 'Let's get out our calendars and put something down!'. If someone says it to me my response is immediately 'Great! What days and times work for you?'.

 

I don't understand adults talking about how awesome getting together is without any action. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Sheesh.

[zoobie]

I know how you feel. :grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

Me too.

 

[HSmomof2]

I'm sorry.😞 I totally understand, too. And I hate the 'let's get together' when there is really no intention of doing so. It's just hurtful. It's so much easier when the kids are little and you can hang out with other moms at playgroups or park days. I have teens now, and I barely know any of their friend's moms. I do work part-time, so a couple ladies there have become friends. They're both also homeschooling teens, so that gave us something in common. Before I went back to work though, I was in the same boat. I hope you meet a new friend soon.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: I know how you feel. :grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

I'm sorry.  I sure can commiserate. 

[gaillardia]

:glare:  

 

 

Edited January 25, 2017 by Gaillardia

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

Btdt. It hurts.

[kewb]

Yep, it sucks.

When someone says we should get together I whip out my calendar and say "let's pick a day and time"

 

I have always found making friends challenging. Introvert, awkward with small talk, painfully shy. I don't know how my mother does it. She moved across the country and within months had a circle of friends she could count on.

[East Coast Sue]

Yep, right there with you.

 

 

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[clementine]

:grouphug:  Yep.  And one of my New Year's resolutions was to try to be more social.  It's hard when it seems one-sided.   :grouphug:

[East Coast Sue]

Yep, right there with you.

 

 

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[SamanthaCarter]

Yep, that's my experience too, RY. I have family, but none in the area. Church peeps are often friendly on Sunday and at the occasional organized event, but during the week it's radio silence.

 

 

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[school17777]

I completely understand how you feel. (((Hugs)))

 

I was going to post about "rainchecks" when I plan something and the other person cancels and gives me a "raincheck". I figure the ball is in the other person's court, if they really wanted to get together with me, but no one seems to "cash" in their "raincheck" leading me to believe that they don't really want to get together with me.

[SparklyUnicorn]

aww well their damn loss

 

sorry

 

 

[Guest]

I'm sorry. I hear you.

 

The one that kills me a little bit each time it happens is when, after a half-dozen nebulous, "We should get together!" moments, I do actually plan something with the person. Then we go to coffee or lunch or the park or whatever. Then...the end. They don't volley back. I thought we had a perfectly nice "date" or whatever you call it, but they don't clamor to go out with me again so...did they not like me in the first place? Or was it the day we hung out? Did I eat too many cream puffs? ;) Was I too abrupt when I said it was time I had to get going or, conversly, did I wear out my welcome and should have begged off earlier? What would really be the case if I ask her to get together again? Is she praying I won't ask, will take the hint, will bug off? Is it much more benign and she's just shy/busy/paranoid to drive at night/allergic to Starbucks? I never know.

 

Somewhere along the way I didn't learn a bunch of social skills that other people seem to have.

[SamanthaCarter]

I'm sorry. I hear you.

 

The one that kills me a little bit each time it happens is when, after a half-dozen nebulous, "We should get together!" moments, I do actually plan something with the person. Then we go to coffee or lunch or the park or whatever. Then...the end. They don't volley back. I thought we had a perfectly nice "date" or whatever you call it, but they don't clamor to go out with me again so...did they not like me in the first place? Or was it the day we hung out? Did I eat too many cream puffs? ;) Was I too abrupt when I said it was time I had to get going or, conversly, did I wear out my welcome and should have begged off earlier? What would really be the case if I ask her to get together again? Is she praying I won't ask, will take the hint, will bug off? Is it much more benign and she's just shy/busy/paranoid to drive at night/allergic to Starbucks? I never know.

 

Somewhere along the way I didn't learn a bunch of social skills that other people seem to have.

It's a lot like dating isn't it? [emoji53]

 

 

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[katilac]

That definitely stinks. 

 

Two suggestions, when you're in the mood to read them: 

 

One, our library hosts quite a few interest-based groups, you might see what's available. 

 

Two, try Meetup. My areas has Meetups for everything, including just plain old mom's night or lady's night. Or you can narrow that down to moms who homeschool, moms who unschool, crunchy moms, whatever. Or expand it to a variety of strictly social groups, including at least one for introverts. 

 

Interest-wise, there are meetups for people who want to practice their French, watch and discuss a movie, ride their bikes, or disco dance. They have groups for people who are interested in photography, wine, art, hacking, yoga, knitting, crossdressing, pretty much anything you can think of. 

 

My only advice would be to show up exactly on time or a little early if you are shy about introducing yourself. Some groups are good about noticing when people show up in the middle, and some are not.

 

With Meetup, at least you know that the people obviously do want to get together! 

[Jyhwkmama]

I am in the Kansas City area (Kansas side) if anyone needs a friend.

[marbel]

Even at church I have not found my tribe.   We've been here for 9.5 years, so I despair of it ever happening.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  OP.   Totally get you.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Commiserating with you.  I only have one left that I am homeschooling and she is attending high school part-time.  I do have a couple of activities left with her (leading an American Literature discussion group right now and I drive her to climbing team practice an hour away even though she could drive herself.)  I really miss connection with other people.  I have very superficial relationships with my family.  They all seemed to distance themselves when K came out and when all the mental health stuff arose.  I have some superficial relationships with some people at the climbing gym, but, when dd graduates, I won't have the excuse to drive an hour to see them. 

 

There were some people that I was close to, or thought I was.  But, when I was homebound with my ankle injury a year ago, not one person stopped by or even contacted me (except to maybe post a short comment on one of my facebook laments.)  I tried contacting people asking them to come over for a cup of tea or just some conversation.  All I heard was "when you are feeling better, we'll do something."  I was desperate for company and was being proactive and they put me off.  I couldn't leave the house without assistance.  After I was getting out on my own, I tried again.  I got the whole "Yeah, let's get together" spiel, but no specific dates.  I thought I'd reach out to some women who appeared to be in similar boats.  We'd finally meet for lunch and I tried to either set up something more regular or find something we could do together (like maybe meet to go walking or get some exercise.)  I had spilled my guts about how hard it was to create connection now that homeschooling wasn't my means to meet people.  All I got was, "hey, maybe I could meet you for lunch once every other month" or something like that.  I gave up.  The last straw was a mom's breakfast of some longtime homeschoolers who had been my friends and I decided to stop judging them for not being there for me.  At the time. I was really struggling ... Seasonal Affective Disorder exacerbated by some really big life crap.  All I got was judgement and condemnation about how I wasn't "doing the work" despite having seen a therapist that wasn't working out for me and going to the doctor and actively looking for support.  I actually cried in public and was so humiliated.  I've given up on meeting with these women.  Not too long later, another person in this group had some minor surgery and asked for company.  Boy howdy were they up on it and making plans to go see her.  When I asked, it was crickets.  I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral of the FIL of one of these women.  I was actually dressed and ready to leave when all the humiliation from our last meeting came back.  I sent a card. 

 

I don't know what the answer is.  I've decided that I just have to make myself leave the house and start making plans for the rest of my life.  If I meet people, great.  If not, I just have to accept that I am better company than people who make me feel bad.  Oh, and I only cry about this once a week now. 

[scrapbookbuzz]

It's a tough gig, I'll give you that. I was just telling my ds this afternoon how I get tired of always being the

one trying to make plans with others. And so much of it is, "Nope, not available." Makes me wonder who the real

friends are! I can count on one hand, and not even a full hand, people that would say, "Absolutely, let's do something"

and then we make it happen. One doesn't even live in the same state as I do!

 

Are you in AZ? We could totally get together. I'd actually much rather get together than crack the whip and get my kids 

to do their schooling! ;-)

[Spryte]

Right there with you.

 

And can I add that women who want to get together just to sell some MLM junk have a special irritation factor.

[Guest]

Dirty ethel, your post makes me so sad. :( I bet those homeschool ladies are the same ladies who were snarking on what I ate. ;)

 

I think culturally, we don't know how to be porch-rail friendly anymore.

[Jyhwkmama]

Commiserating with you.  I only have one left that I am homeschooling and she is attending high school part-time.  I do have a couple of activities left with her (leading an American Literature discussion group right now and I drive her to climbing team practice an hour away even though she could drive herself.)  I really miss connection with other people.  I have very superficial relationships with my family.  They all seemed to distance themselves when K came out and when all the mental health stuff arose.  I have some superficial relationships with some people at the climbing gym, but, when dd graduates, I won't have the excuse to drive an hour to see them. 

 

There were some people that I was close to, or thought I was.  But, when I was homebound with my ankle injury a year ago, not one person stopped by or even contacted me (except to maybe post a short comment on one of my facebook laments.)  I tried contacting people asking them to come over for a cup of tea or just some conversation.  All I heard was "when you are feeling better, we'll do something."  I was desperate for company and was being proactive and they put me off.  I couldn't leave the house without assistance.  After I was getting out on my own, I tried again.  I got the whole "Yeah, let's get together" spiel, but no specific dates.  I thought I'd reach out to some women who appeared to be in similar boats.  We'd finally meet for lunch and I tried to either set up something more regular or find something we could do together (like maybe meet to go walking or get some exercise.)  I had spilled my guts about how hard it was to create connection now that homeschooling wasn't my means to meet people.  All I got was, "hey, maybe I could meet you for lunch once every other month" or something like that.  I gave up.  The last straw was a mom's breakfast of some longtime homeschoolers who had been my friends and I decided to stop judging them for not being there for me.  At the time. I was really struggling ... Seasonal Affective Disorder exacerbated by some really big life crap.  All I got was judgement and condemnation about how I wasn't "doing the work" despite having seen a therapist that wasn't working out for me and going to the doctor and actively looking for support.  I actually cried in public and was so humiliated.  I've given up on meeting with these women.  Not too long later, another person in this group had some minor surgery and asked for company.  Boy howdy were they up on it and making plans to go see her.  When I asked, it was crickets.  I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral of the FIL of one of these women.  I was actually dressed and ready to leave when all the humiliation from our last meeting came back.  I sent a card. 

 

I don't know what the answer is.  I've decided that I just have to make myself leave the house and start making plans for the rest of my life.  If I meet people, great.  If not, I just have to accept that I am better company than people who make me feel bad.  Oh, and I only cry about this once a week now. 

 

I want to hug you because I know this hurts. 

 

I leave you with the advice given to me many times by my redneck father, "piss on them."

[Anne in CA]

Commiserating with you.  I only have one left that I am homeschooling and she is attending high school part-time.  I do have a couple of activities left with her (leading an American Literature discussion group right now and I drive her to climbing team practice an hour away even though she could drive herself.)  I really miss connection with other people.  I have very superficial relationships with my family.  They all seemed to distance themselves when K came out and when all the mental health stuff arose.  I have some superficial relationships with some people at the climbing gym, but, when dd graduates, I won't have the excuse to drive an hour to see them. 

 

There were some people that I was close to, or thought I was.  But, when I was homebound with my ankle injury a year ago, not one person stopped by or even contacted me (except to maybe post a short comment on one of my facebook laments.)  I tried contacting people asking them to come over for a cup of tea or just some conversation.  All I heard was "when you are feeling better, we'll do something."  I was desperate for company and was being proactive and they put me off.  I couldn't leave the house without assistance.  After I was getting out on my own, I tried again.  I got the whole "Yeah, let's get together" spiel, but no specific dates.  I thought I'd reach out to some women who appeared to be in similar boats.  We'd finally meet for lunch and I tried to either set up something more regular or find something we could do together (like maybe meet to go walking or get some exercise.)  I had spilled my guts about how hard it was to create connection now that homeschooling wasn't my means to meet people.  All I got was, "hey, maybe I could meet you for lunch once every other month" or something like that.  I gave up.  The last straw was a mom's breakfast of some longtime homeschoolers who had been my friends and I decided to stop judging them for not being there for me.  At the time. I was really struggling ... Seasonal Affective Disorder exacerbated by some really big life crap.  All I got was judgement and condemnation about how I wasn't "doing the work" despite having seen a therapist that wasn't working out for me and going to the doctor and actively looking for support.  I actually cried in public and was so humiliated.  I've given up on meeting with these women.  Not too long later, another person in this group had some minor surgery and asked for company.  Boy howdy were they up on it and making plans to go see her.  When I asked, it was crickets.  I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral of the FIL of one of these women.  I was actually dressed and ready to leave when all the humiliation from our last meeting came back.  I sent a card. 

 

I don't know what the answer is.  I've decided that I just have to make myself leave the house and start making plans for the rest of my life.  If I meet people, great.  If not, I just have to accept that I am better company than people who make me feel bad.  Oh, and I only cry about this once a week now. 

This post makes my blood boil for you. I'm so, so sorry for the rudeness of woman kind. I just don't even have anything to say other than I hope to goodness you know that kind of behavior is not about you. 

[Kassia]

My MIL does this to my dd and it used to crush her, but she is used to it now (sad that she has to realize that her own grandmother doesn't want to spend time with her).  There were times when my dd wouldn't leave the house for days because she was "waiting for Grandma to call" and then she'd end up giving up and crying.  

 

I'm sorry about your situation.  

[Anne in CA]

I would like to add, I may not have specified this in my previous post, I NEVER have had success as an adult getting together with women just to hang out. Painting, quilting, Bible study, those are the things I've done, because other than theater moms no women seem to hang out any more. I suspect that extroverts have their friends by this time in life, and the idea of just hanging out freaks out introverts. Also, my kids were too academically advanced for other home school moms, even high achieving ones. I never had more than two kids home schooling at a time,  and both my younger kids love to learn and study. I learned later that people were kind of freaked out by their achievements.                                                              

Edited January 24, 2017 by Anne in CA

[MysteryJen]

I have had a very, very rough few years with friends. An argument with one apparently ended a  10 year friendship and then she must have said things to other people, because I went from a fairly good group of friends to none. Not one woman in that group called or emailed for more than a year. Cracks were apparent anyway, because after a late miscarriage, it was like I was invisible. But after the incident (which included a heartfelt and in person apology-which I shouldn't have made in retrospect) I was shunned. Nice "Christian" ladies.

The ramifications have been huge for me. I have swim friends who are temporary. I rarely go to church anymore. I would love a friend, but if I have to be fake and false, I will just chit chat at the grocery store.

 

Dirty Ethel, I know exactly how you feel. My dd2, who has triumphed over a mean girl situation, told me her new philosophy was just to be herself at all times, and if anyone doesn't like it F*** them. It is fairly freeing. I wish I had had her example 5 years ago.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Maybe this is why I'd just rather live in the mountain forest. Do what I want

and not worry about trying to meet up with anyone unless I knew we were REALLY going to do so!

[Jyhwkmama]

I have had a very, very rough few years with friends. An argument with one apparently ended a  10 year friendship and then she must have said things to other people, because I went from a fairly good group of friends to none. Not one woman in that group called or emailed for more than a year. Cracks were apparent anyway, because after a late miscarriage, it was like I was invisible. But after the incident (which included a heartfelt and in person apology-which I shouldn't have made in retrospect) I was shunned. Nice "Christian" ladies.

The ramifications have been huge for me. I have swim friends who are temporary. I rarely go to church anymore. I would love a friend, but if I have to be fake and false, I will just chit chat at the grocery store.

 

Dirty Ethel, I know exactly how you feel. My dd2, who has triumphed over a mean girl situation, told me her new philosophy was just to be herself at all times, and if anyone doesn't like it F*** them. It is fairly freeing. I wish I had had her example 5 years ago.

 

 

I can tell--I would like your daughter.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I have had a very, very rough few years with friends. An argument with one apparently ended a  10 year friendship and then she must have said things to other people, because I went from a fairly good group of friends to none. Not one woman in that group called or emailed for more than a year. Cracks were apparent anyway, because after a late miscarriage, it was like I was invisible. But after the incident (which included a heartfelt and in person apology-which I shouldn't have made in retrospect) I was shunned. Nice "Christian" ladies.

The ramifications have been huge for me. I have swim friends who are temporary. I rarely go to church anymore. I would love a friend, but if I have to be fake and false, I will just chit chat at the grocery store.

 

Dirty Ethel, I know exactly how you feel. My dd2, who has triumphed over a mean girl situation, told me her new philosophy was just to be herself at all times, and if anyone doesn't like it F*** them. It is fairly freeing. I wish I had had her example 5 years ago.

{{MysteryJen}  That really stinks.  It took a therapist to help me take these women off the pedestal I had put them on and see that they are fickle people and I had fallen out of favor.  It doesn't make it less painful, but it does help me get out of bed each day. 

[Alicia64]

I'm in the same boat. We moved two years ago and I miss my friends in our former state like crazy. I thought by now I'd have established something new. But so far, no. I've found great dog parks, but that's about it.

 

I agree: share your state.

 

Alley

[ErinE]

I don't know what the answer is. I've decided that I just have to make myself leave the house and start making plans for the rest of my life. If I meet people, great. If not, I just have to accept that I am better company than people who make me feel bad. Oh, and I only cry about this once a week now.

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[heartlikealion]

Not exactly the same situation but I don't have family nearby or anyone my age I call up to hang out one on one. The only one I ever meet up with is another homeschool mom and we haven't met up in months and it's always with the kids. I hinted for us to get together at something where kids were discouraged from attending and she said she was bringing hers. Lol.

 

I don't understand the preschooler excuse. I mean, I do, but. I have a toddler and I'd go hang out in a heartbeat LOL. I'd just have to do it when dh was available to watch her. Which means it would still happen because I would make it happen.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this!

[kiana]

Clearly the solution is more wtm meetups. 

[Guest]

Clearly the solution is more wtm meetups.

Agreed. We are much more kind, better educated, and bring cupcakes.

[CadenceSophia]

I hate this :( I think I am one of the people that always says "let's get together sometime!" And people say "sure great" but I never hear from them at all. The only people that are willing to get together on a somewhat regular basis are ones who only want to get together during a week day morning. Umm nice but we actually have to DO this homeschool thing. If I do get together successfully with another mom, it is because I made the plan.. Every time. It gets old (although I am glad at least it sometimes happens). I never feel like people reciprocate.

[MistyMountain]

I completely relate to this. I am finding it very hard to make friends at this stage in my life. Every time it seems promising it never actually happens. I am sorry you are going through it too.

Edited January 25, 2017 by MistyMountain