How do you get over the heartbreak of your children growing older?

[EKT]

Experienced mamas, I need some advice!

 

How do you get over the heartbreak of your children getting older? (Am I the only one who feels this way?) How do you, personally, cope with these feelings? Nothing is truly "wrong," of course; it's just really hit me this past year how big my kids are getting. I'm currently planning out our next homeschool year and I just cannot believe I will soon have a 4th and 1st grader! It's sorta breaking my heart. You guys...they're beginning to outgrow picture books! (We still use illustrated books for content areas--thank goodness!--but our read alouds, more and more, are exclusively novels. Plus, it doesn't help that my youngest is super precocious and insists on reading mostly chapter books on her own, lol.) 

 

I mean, my rational mind knows my girls only get more interesting and more fun the older they get. My rational mind knows I am so, so lucky to have happy, healthy children who are growing well. My rational mind is so grateful that I get to homeschool; my children and I spend tons of time together, so I know I'm not "missing" anything! But...the irrational part of my mind is sobbing and asking What happened to my tiny babies?! lol. 

 

So, seriously...will this get easier at some point, or should I plan to spend the remainder of my life brokenhearted and surreptitiously weeping? ;-)

[Hobbes]

I've been thinking this same thing since my 4th was born. It's going so quickly! Listening for the responses...!

Edited June 20, 2016 by indigoellen@gmail.com

[theelfqueen]

You learn to love the place where they are now. :)

 

Karen -- there will be no grandbaby talk. NONE. I am not prepared to acknowledge grandbaby talk.

 

 

[mom2att]

I miss who they were, but I enjoy who they are and most especially who they are becoming. I think it's hardest when they are just outgrowing the little kid stage. Young children are innocent and loving; they say the most charming things and are just plain adorable (most of the time!). When they start to leave this behind, it's bittersweet.

 

But then you see glimpses of the adults they will be, and you get to enjoy the shift in parenting responsibility that no longer having young children entails (less physical work, more emotional and mental work), and you realize that it's all about enjoying every phase and taking each moment as it comes.

 

Besides, like Kinsa said . . . someday, grandchildren!

[Excelsior! Academy]

Well, I solved it, for awhile, by having another round of kids! However, that's no longer working as the youngest will only be home one more year, and is hardly home this summer. I highly recommend my strategy though--it's been wonderful!  :lol:

 

This.  

 

When my four oldest were 4-11 we added 4 more, then 1 more.  It's hard to stress over having a couple in college while I still have a Kindergartener at home.  

 

I hear you about the Grandchild discussion!  By the time our youngest is grown (13+ years!) I might be ready for the older children to have grandbabies.  Okay, maybe a little before then.  Just a little.

[wintermom]

I second enjoying each new phase of our children growing up as they unfold. It is very exciting.

 

But if you want to add in some cuddles and energy, try fostering an 8-week old puppy for a few weeks. It should exhaust you enough to be happy to return to your quiet life again.  :laugh:

[Tenaj]

Three of my six kids are now legal adults. I get through by reminding myself that THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. Their lives aren't about me; it's about them, and I can't wait to see what they do with them. It's exciting to watch and see them spread their wings and learn to fly. And besides, grandbabies are around the corner. *wink*

 

 

This!  My husband has been good a reminding the kids (and me) that they aren't supposed to be in our house the rest of their lives.  We are educating, encouraging, enjoying life with  them so that they can move on into their own lives.

 

It's been so much fun so watch my oldest two leave the nest and see where life leads them, sometimes to unexpected areas.  If you had told me two years ago that my oldest would be celebrating his first anniversary with his dear sweet wife this year  I would have laughed but here we are and, yes, my first grandbaby is on the way, arriving at the end of August.  So exciting . . .I am having a blast putting a collection of picture books into my cart at Amazon for the baby shower which is only two weeks away!

 

Each change is tough but each comes with new joys . . .sometimes you just have to hunt a bit longer to find them :)

[MerryAtHope]

I purpose to enjoy them at each age and stage. I try to discover who they are and who they are becoming and what they enjoy right now--and to engage in their world. It's truly a marvel to watch our children grow!

 

My oldest is in college, and my youngest will be a senior this year--and it's amazing to know these young people, sometimes so grown up, sometimes still such kids! 

 

 

[UCF612]

I'm dealing with this too. Mine just had birthdays and are now 7 and 9. While I realize that is still young it isn't little anymore. I miss the early years a lot but I'm trying to find equal enjoyment of this new stage.

[Momling]

We began doing foster care when I felt my own kids needed me less... Now I feel done with that too. I'm ready for the easy life. I do love having my teenagers though. Every age has been my favorite.

[scholastica]

It is all bittersweet. You learn to enjoy each age and stage. I loved having littles and I miss the littles they were. But they are so fun now. I love having teens. It's not all unicorns and rainbows, but they are such interesting people and we can share so much more on a much more equal level. They often teach me now. I stil have two younger kiddos, though, so that makes it easier. There's also freedom in their growing up, they aren't as needy and can keep up with us in many things. We don't have to take the shortest hike or the easiest path. I will miss my oldest terribly when he goes away to college this fall, but I am also so very proud of him and know that this is the right step for him. I can't wait to see what he does next. That goes for the ones at home, as well. It's okay to be a little sad, but enjoy them now, too, where all of you are.

[Sahamamama]

The best solution I have found (so far) is to move on to the next thing, to prepare for the season that is coming up next. For example:

 

Clothing Sort -- In the late spring or early summer, I go through all their clothes, coats, boots, shoes, socks, pajamas, and so on. I get rid of everything that doesn't fit the twins, store away the winter things, pull out the summer stuff, and generally just get ready for the next season. Does oldest have a bathing suit? Do the twins have enough socks? Focusing on the next things seems to help me let go of what is done. It also feels good to donate all their clothes that don't fit to another family we are friends with. It reminds me that life moves on.

 

Calendar & Appointments -- I do not scrap book or do photo albums. I couldn't handle all that looking back! Instead, I put things on the calendar for next week or next month -- moving forward is what helps the most. If I start to feel too blue about the girls growing up, I put just about anything on the calendar, simply to keep my focus forward. So far for this summer, I've lined up three VBS weeks, three physicals, three eye exams, orthodontist visits for all three, and dental check-ups for all three! :) That ought to keep me so busy and forward-focused, I won't have time to get nostalgic. LOL.

 

Homeschool Stuff -- In the summer, I gather up all our finished work from the previous homeschool year and box it up. Every year's completed work is in a labelled box, on a shelf in the basement. I put it all in, and tape the box up. I never open those boxes again, unless I have to look up something I don't have on my new computer, but it's there if we need it. After I "pack up a year," I start over. I clear off the school shelves, take down whatever is on the walls, deep clean the room (curtains and all), and begin again -- new posters, new ideas, new set up (at least in part), new binders, new materials, new pencils, and (best of all) new Sharpies! :) I get ready for the next phase. It's coming, whether I'm ready or not, so I think that ready works out better, LOL.

 

Toys, Games, Crafts & Books -- After the clothes and homeschool stuff are done, we overhaul the play room and the craft "room" (the other side of the basement). I save this for last, because I find this the hardest, emotionally. I tell myself, "Life moves on." By the time I've gotten rid of clothes that don't fit and have stored away math books that are finished, it feels easier on my spirit to process the fact that my girls have probably outgrown their tiny toy shopping cart (for example) or The Poky Little Puppy. Sigh. It is hardest of all with books, because they bring back memories of the connection we shared while reading them -- picture book in hand, a pair of warm, curly-haired toddlers on my lap, a happy preschooler next to me. We hardly ever get rid of a book, actually.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Sahamamama

[Ewe Mama]

Ram Man presents me with another puppy (which I never asked for) when the baby blues get to me. After four dogs, I now have to hide my blues.

[Sahamamama]

About the book thing (above), I think there is a part of me that is subconsciously saving the books for when I have grandkids. Huh, who knew? I'll get a shirt that says, "Have Lap, Will Read."

[fourisenough]

You're in the 'sweet spot'; embrace it!

 

Read this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julianna-w-miner/the-sweet-spot_b_3617506.html

[Guest]

You're in the 'sweet spot'; embrace it!

 

Read this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julianna-w-miner/the-sweet-spot_b_3617506.html

What she calls "the sweet spot" I call "the calm between the storms". (LOL)

[KrissiK]

It doesn't really bother me. I just enjoy them where they are at. One thing my sister-in-law told me when her oldest went off to college and I was asking her about it is that we are not raising our children for ourselves. They don't exist for our pleasure. They are people, and our task as parents is to raise them to become happy, successful adults. It helped me get a little perspective on growing up. Although I've never really felt sentimental about my kids getting older.

[BlsdMama]

Well, I solved it, for awhile, by having another round of kids! However, that's no longer working as the youngest will only be home one more year, and is hardly home this summer. I highly recommend my strategy though--it's been wonderful!  :lol:

 

*This is really very effective.  :)

 

 

 

I think the key must be really and truly enjoy where they are NOW.  I adore them getting older, even baby William.

 

You should know though, my oldest DD (20) never outgrew picture books.  She has an amazing collection and adds to it every single year, supposedly for her kids "someday" but we know it's really an addiction to Trina Schart Hyman.

 

Each stage is really amazing when you throw yourself into the now rather than the looking back or the looking forward.  That is always a challenge but something to stay mindful of. ;)

[Hilltopmom]

Don't ask me, we started fostering & adopting and now I've got two little ones again:)

[foxbridgeacademy]

My baby is 13 today  :crying: .  I really miss them being 4-8, those were the best years.  They could do a lot more for themselves but were still "little". I have no idea how to deal with it, other than to cry a bit and hope that eventually they have kids of their own (I'm really looking forward to grand-kids).  I will say that liking who they've become, knowing that one day they'll be more than my children they'll be my friends helps a lot.

[Ellie]

Maybe I'm the odd man out, but I was not heartbroken when my children grew up. Maybe it's a familial thing, as I'm pretty sure my mother and her mother felt the same way. :-) I spent as much time with my children as possible, all of their lives, and rejoiced each time they learned a new skill towards adulthood. It was weird when they moved out :-) but I was not heartbroken.

[Free Indeed]

I can relate to this- but I recently launched my oldest to the Navy and my next to the local community college. 2 teens left homeschooling. It's hard. I echo everything Kinsa said.

[Targhee]

Cherish NOW or in 5 years you will look back and feel you spent five years mourning early childhood only to miss middle childhood.

 

The feelings are normal, and you don't get over or change them, but you do let them move past.

 

 

ETA spelling correction

Edited June 21, 2016 by Targhee

[mamiof5]

I just try my best to enjoy today. Don't worry about yesterday, it's already gone. And tomorrow hasn't come. I do get nostalgic, but just try not to let it get to me that much or I'd always be sad. Life just goes by too quickly:(

[Rosie_0801]

I'm really glad no one is peeing in my bed any more.

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 9, 2016 by ~ d9n

[The Girls' Mom]

I love the young women my girls have become.  I actually am looking forward to them all being independent adults, and the relationship that will develop.  My oldest has already become more of a friend than a parent/child relationship.  

Also, it is also wonderful to see them on the cusp of beginning their adult lives.  

 

While I do sometimes miss the little girls I once had, I don't really feel the pang of wanting them to be small again.  It has shifted to looking forward to grandchildren someday.  

[Donna]

I am enjoying them at every age as it comes rather than missing what is past. I love seeing the adults they are growing up to be.

[EKT]

I'm really glad no one is peeing in my bed any more.

 

This made me LOL. Thanks for that!  :lol:

[calihil]

Yes, I get it. My last baby is turning 1 year old in a couple weeks. He's right at the edge of cruising and walking, it's so precious and sweet, and he still smells so good. I'm trying to soak it up all I can because I know this sweet little chubby baby is going to all but disappear soon. It does make me really sad. But then I'm glad we're in an age when it's easy to take pictures and videos effortlessly!

Edited June 21, 2016 by calihil

[J-rap]

#5 was born when #1 was in kindergarten, so I guess I was so busy that I didn't have time to think about missing certain stages.  And actually, I never really did hit that point as they were growing up.  Each age was so fun and interesting!  When they started to fly the coup, it was so exciting to watch them!  I know that sounds strange.  I was so happy for them, that I wasn't sad.  

 

It wasn't until they had all left that I found myself wistful now and then.  But, we are still very much involved in each other's lives.  I sure enjoy them as young adults now;  they've all become my best friends.   I wouldn't trade that for anything.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I mourn my "babies" all the time, and my youngest is not yet two!  LOL.  For a long time, I just had a new baby every time the youngest hit 2.  This is the first time since starting motherhood that I'll have a two year old and not be pregnant.  And, barring accidents, I won't be having any more.  *cries quietly*

 

I have so much fun with my big kids.  And I have so much fun with my little kids.  And they are all going to grow up and leave me someday!  *breaks down in hiccuping sobs*

 

Motherhood is hard.  Sometimes I find myself on auto-pilot, then I look around and realize everyone is a month older and it freaks me out!  I don't think there is any solution, but I do pray for lots of grand-babies someday.  

[zarabellesmom]

I'm no help at all. My daughter turned 11 Sunday and I just saw this thread this morning and thought it might be helpful. I couldn't read through the tears after three posts.

[Jess4879]

I embrace each age and stage my kids reach and I love where they are at right now - there are so many pluses -- they are a really big help around the house, they clean their own rooms, they can hold their own puke pails when they are sick...you know, the good stuff. LOL 

 

I absolutely find it all bittersweet though.  My oldest is going to be able to drive soon and my youngest just turned 7.  I definitely sit here and wonder "when did that happen??"  I miss my youngest crawling up for snuggles.  Now he's too busy doing his own thing to offer up more than a quick hug.  I know it's a good thing and I don't want it to be different, but it doesn't mean I don't miss those moments. 

 

I love the idea of just having more babies.  LOL  But then I remember that I like my sleep and that I already sold my AAR Pre-1 level, so clearly we must be done.  ;)

[ereks mom]

Yes, I can relate, and I felt exactly the way the OP feels while my DC we're growing up. And when my firstborn went away to college, I dealt with clinical depression for months. The sweet ladies on the WTM board helped me get through it. Many encouraged me when I would post on the boards, and several sent me PMs just to ask how I was doing or to say they were praying for me. That was almost 8 years ago. My firstborn completed college (honor grad, yea!!), got a job, and got married to a wonderful girl whom we love dearly. They just celebrated their third anniversary last week. :) Now there are hints that they might be starting their own family soon. YEA! GRANDBABIES! My younger/youngest child is in college now and will graduate next May (4.0 cumulative GPA so far). She has lots of friends and a delightful boyfriend, and I expect that they will get engaged within a year from now and marry within a year after that. It's so satisfying when you get to this stage and you're able to look back on all the tough things you went through with them--2:00 AM feedings, potty training, long division, broken bones, broken hearts--and realize that you weathered the storms and not only survived, but THRIVED! From this perspective, you get to see that there were more successes than failures, more good times than bad. And you realize that you had a part in shaping your child into who he/she has become, so you feel PROUD, and also BLESSED. It was hard when I began to realize that my babies weren't babies any more, but now I have (mostly) learned to embrace the changes. They are bittersweet, but they bring new blessings I could never see from the other side of them. I definitely miss my children being babies, toddlers, preschoolers, etc. But I love where they are in life now because our bond has strengthened over the years, and now I'm not just their MOTHER, I am also their FRIEND. Best wishes and many blessings to you OP, as you travel this path.

Edited June 21, 2016 by ereks mom

[sassenach]

My Dh is like this and, honestly, sometimes I think he misses out on how young they still are because he's mourning how little they used to be. He's sad that the 11yo isn't 5 anymore, but when she was 5 he was sad that she wasn't 2.

 

Try to remember that they're still little. Enjoy their littleness now. Even with my 5'11" thirteen year old, I focus my nostalgia on the present. He's still "little."

[shanezomom]

I cried when I stopped b*****feeding but it all got better after that. Those of us with boys get the extra shock of their changing voices.

[shanezomom]

I cried when I stopped b*****feeding but it all got better after that. Those of us with boys get the extra shock of their changing voices.

[2_girls_mommy]

Well, I solved it, for awhile, by having another round of kids! However, that's no longer working as the youngest will only be home one more year, and is hardly home this summer. I highly recommend my strategy though--it's been wonderful!  :lol:

I talked dh into this a couple of years ago, lol.  He is good with just the one for the last round.  I'm working on him for adopting one more.  If that doesn't work, I'll then start focusing on grandkids when this one is growing up and the others are old enough!

[Colleen in NS]

My blunt answer:  You walk through tough times during their teen years.

[Sahamamama]

Another option: You could get a box of tissues, put on a sad song, and cry it out. This song is helpful for that. :crying:

 

 

Edited June 23, 2016 by Sahamamama

[lovinmyboys]

I struggle with this too, but I think I am starting to enjoy the "sweet spot." My kids are 10, 8, 6, and 4 and it is pretty great.

 

I have cried every day before my youngest's birthday. Especially when he turned 3. Three is for sure no longer a baby. But, now that he is 4, I have seen the positives of being out of the baby stage.

 

I also try to remember (as a pp said) that my kids are still young-all elementary age or younger. This is a great stage and I don't want to miss it because I am nostalgic about when they were all 5 and under.

[....]

I cried when I stopped b*****feeding but it all got better after that. Those of us with boys get the extra shock of their changing voices.

 

A couple of times, I panicked, thinking a man had broken into our house when my son was talking in the kitchen to his sister.   :huh:

[Outdoorsy Type]

A couple of times, I panicked, thinking a man had broken into our house when my son was talking in the kitchen to his sister. :huh:

I had this exact thing happen! My oldest' voice changed so quickly when he turned 12! At the time we were doing a bit of a remodel and I panicked several times thinking they had let a man in the house without telling me.

[Amy M]

Well, maybe this will make it worse, but here is a tradition we do that reminds me to do my best in whatever stage I'm in. My last baby is approaching his first birthday, and honestly I'm really sad when I think about it! https://itavitaafrican.wordpress.com/2013/11/07/marble-jars-treasure-your-time/

[EKT]

Well, maybe this will make it worse, but here is a tradition we do that reminds me to do my best in whatever stage I'm in. My last baby is approaching his first birthday, and honestly I'm really sad when I think about it! https://itavitaafrican.wordpress.com/2013/11/07/marble-jars-treasure-your-time/

 

This did not help with the weeping (lol), but what a beautiful idea! I think I might do this one in our house. (And I love that you add a marble for each month of your marriage.) Thanks for sharing!