"What are you doing on [insert day]?"

[Spryte]

Is this how you ask people to get together?

 

This isn't exactly a JAWM. If there's something I'm not seeing here, please feel free to point out another side. I am a little bit raw though, so maybe go gently.

 

There is a person in our life with whom we have an important but sometimes stressful relationship. Let me stress the importance of this person, I don't think I can overstate it. But the relationship is at times fraught with unreasonable expectations that are very hard to read. It's rarely straightforward. She pops in and out of our lives, sometimes with years in between, with very minimal contact or responses to us in between. I get it. There are painful issues at play. We generally act like nothing has happened and move on, open doors, open arms. We will not cut off contact with this person.

 

But, man. It's tiring.

 

There's this tendency to say, "What are you doing on X day?" Sometimes it's curiosity. Sometimes it's a way of asking to get together. ...and I don't always know how to respond, so I'm honest. I'll say, "we are doing X family activity" or whatever. And then she will say she wants to come over after or before that. I feel sort of trapped into saying yes, because then she knows our schedule, but isn't going to take into account things like kid bedtimes and baths, and any other stuff we have going on

 

And then to complicate it, once we've agreed to that sometimes another surprise will be thrown in, along the lines of "oh and I'd like to bring my [insert extended relative or intimate friend]."

 

And it puts me on the spot.

 

First - I said we were doing X family activity on such and such day. I didn't state outright that it's our immediate family only, but yes, it is. And I feel like a heel for saying no, so sometimes I'll go out of my comfort zone to say ok. Then throw in the extra people, whom we've either never met or a few of whom we have, but not under the best of circumstances. And, ugh, I'm stressed.

 

So - if you want to get together with someone, not someone super close to you, but close enough, but who lives a couple hours away... How do you phrase it?

 

Do you preface it with "what are you doing on such and such day?" As if it's a casual question? Or do you say something like, "I'd like to get together, does this day work?"

 

Because right now I'm feeling like "what are you doing on X day" is a trap. There's no answer I can give if we just need family space, without looking like I'm avoiding her. I'm not. Whatever answer I give feels inadequate, if we just need space that day.

 

I've said, "What are you doing on X day?" To close friends, but only the ones I trust to say they can't connect that day even if their plan is to veg out in front of the tv. But this isn't that type of relationship.

 

So, how can I respond when she asks this? I don't want to lie. But I don't want to commit our family to stuff without getting everyone's input either. I've tried, "I'll have to ask DH" but it rings untrue.

 

I'm open to some creative ideas, sympathy, thoughts on the evolution of invitations to informal get togethers, anything.

[Laura Corin]

That's a really difficult thing to handle.  Personally, I always phrase it as, 'I was wondering if I could drop by around 11 next Wednesday,' rather than 'What are you doing next Wednesday?'

 

If someone said that to me, I would reply with, 'Were you thinking of getting together?' so that you learn her plans before divulging yours.

[bolt.]

I tend to say, "Gee I'm not sure. What were you thinking?"

 

I'm also ok with saying my plans, and then saying,

"Actually, before X we need to get y and X done. Let's try some other day."

"Actually, after X we definitely need some down time to rest. How about (other day)."

"Actually we like to do X just the (number in your family) of us."

[happi duck]

It does feel like a trap!

 

I'll never forget my brother saying "what are you doing Saturday night?" And then when I said "nothing" he said "oh good you can babysit". Lesson.learned.

 

Now I say "why? What's up?"

 

If I'm doing the asking I say "we'd like to have you over for dinner. Does Saturday work?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

My standard (true) answer is "I don't know.  What are you doing then?" 

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

"Oh, I can't remember offhand.  Why?  What did you have in mind?"

 

And, BTW, she's rude.  In case there was any question.

[Ausmumof3]

I say this! I never realised it would make someone feel out on the spot but then if you said you already had an activity I would just accept that as a no and wouldn't proceed with an invite. It sounds more like a case of lack of boundaries.

 

Mind you you could always respond with "I only do one activity a day if I can help it because I need the time to handle our stuff at home". For me this would be mostly true.

[Amy in NH]

I'm not sure; I'd have to look at my calendar. What are you doing that day?

 

I don't know if Dh has made plans for us that day, so I don't know right now. Why?

 

What's going on that day? I'll check my calendar and get back to you.

Edited June 4, 2016 by Amy in NH

[goldberry]

I used to say this, then I realized it put people on the spot.  I have tried to adjust my approach!

[BrookValley.]

No, that's not how I ask people to get together. It's usually "hey, I was thinking about doing/am doing this thing on X day. If you want to come with/come over/do this thing, too, let me know." This avoids putting anyone on the spot--maybe they're busy, maybe they just don't feel like getting together/going wherever/doing whatever, and that's ok. Starting the conversation with "what are you doing X day?" for any other reason than making conversation/just curiosity is rude, and would exhaust me, too. It is a trap. This person may not be doing it intentionally, but that's stressful, nonetheless. My answer to that question, unless I've got something definite going on--like being out of town--is always "I don't know," or "I'm not sure."

 

Leave yourself an out. You can be polite and not alienate her while also maintaining your boundaries. I know the relationship is important, but your sanity is important, too.

 

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I say this! I never realised it would make someone feel out on the spot but then if you said you already had an activity I would just accept that as a no and wouldn't proceed with an invite.

Well, the other thing is, the other person might have plans that are not really set in stone.

 

Like, I had a roommate in my post-college years who asked me once what I was doing on Saturday.  So I told her my plans, which were kind of negotiable type solo activities that I could have done any time, and she never mentioned that both of us were invited to a mutual friend's house for dinner.  I would gladly had gone had I known about this, and could easily have adjusted my schedule in that particular case.  So it's really counterproductive in addition to being entrapping.

[nd293]

When I saw the title I thought the thread was heading in a different direction. When someone asks me that question, usually phrased as "are you busy on...?" I assume they want to get together. I've had two people though who use that as a lead in to "Oh good, then you're frree and you won't mind helping me with..."

 

Your circumstances are different but I learned to give vague answers to specific questions from these folk and follow up with a specific clarifying question: "We're still trying to decided. Why, what's happening with you?" or something like that. When I have all the information up front I feel less pressured and it gives me time to formulate a response which might be a refusal to help out then but a suggestion to get together at another more suitable time.

 

Perhaps formulating a response that buys you time initially might help you to come up with a better plan. Given time to think you may be able to come up with an arrangement that honours this person's importance to you while keeping family arrangements intact.

[marbel]

I'm not sure; I'd have to look at my calendar. What are you doing that day?

 

I don't know if Dh has made plans for us that day, so I don't know right now. Why?

 

What's going on that day? I'll check my calendar and get back to you.

 

These are the kinds of things I say.  There are certain people I am very wary with and I am very careful not to sound as if I am free and able to commit to anything.

 

It is a terrible question.   I'm sure most people mean it innocently, but it has always made me feel very much put on the spot. 

 

[hornblower]

Oh I hate that phrase. Not only does it play out the way you mention, some other people use it as a way to not take no for an answer.  Instead of the insincerely cheerful "we should get together!" (transl. in a million years) "yes, lets!" (transl. when pigs fly) the conversation is predicated on I AM going to see you.  It feels like I'm talking to a bill collector with some people.  

 

& I don't find 'let me check my calendar' very helpful any more because people just stare at you, your phone, you, your phone. Um, yeah, my calendar is there.....you want me to look at it now I guess? :D 

 

[fraidycat]

Oh I hate that phrase. Not only does it play out the way you mention, some other people use it as a way to not take no for an answer. Instead of the insincerely cheerful "we should get together!" (transl. in a million years) "yes, lets!" (transl. when pigs fly) the conversation is predicated on I AM going to see you. It feels like I'm talking to a bill collector with some people.

 

& I don't find 'let me check my calendar' very helpful any more because people just stare at you, your phone, you, your phone. Um, yeah, my calendar is there.....you want me to look at it now I guess? :D

 

 

One of the benefits of being a Dinosaur (according to my children) Luddite (kinesthetic rememberer - if I don't physically write it down, it's not happening). I have a big paper calendar/day planner. It lives at home. I must *go home* to check my calendar. Technology is not always great. :D

 

Bad neighbour and "friends" (a.k.a. I was free babysitting) taught me to always answer "what are you doing?" questions with vague "not sure yet" answers or with questions of my own - what's up? , what're you thinking?, what's going on?. For more immediate (bad neighbour, last minute babysitting) inquiries, I learned to have a headache a lot until I learned I could just say No.

[HS Mom in NC]

No, I don't ask about get togethers that way.  I'm too straightforward for that kind of phrasing and I'm temperamentally inclined to strongly dislike that question while I know most people ask it innocently.  I usually say something like, "Are you available to [insert activity here] on [insert date(s) here] at [insert time frame here if applicable.]?" IRL I have 5 families coming over tomorrow for slip n slide kickball and group camping planning.  It's also a potluck.  I told them that up front but I did ask if Saturday or Sunday was better for them.

When someone wants to do something that doesn't work for me I simply say in a pleasant tone, "Sorry, I can't." and then I tell them what I can do, when and where.  They can take it or leave it and I don't fret about it if it doesn't work out or they seem upset about it. Life's too short and I can't take responsibility for everyone's feelings all the time.

 

When people ask me that question I always ask, "Why do you ask?" If you know she has a tendency to withhold details until after you've agreed, then ask for all the details before you agree.  Say something like:

Her: "What are you doing on [insert date here]?"
You: "Why do you ask?"

Her: "I want to come over."
You: "What time?  For how long? Will it be just you or will there be other people too?"

If there's any aspect of her answer that you don't like, say:

You: "Sorry, that's not going to work for me. I'll check my calendar and see what my spouse says and I'll call you back and let you know when it's a good time." That's assuming you want to get together with her at some point.

Then call her back and say:

You: "Well I'm available at [insert date, start time, time frame, location, what activity you're interested in if applicable, and whether or not she's welcome to include someone else.] How's that for you?"

If it works for her say:

You: "That's great! See you then!"
 

If it doesn't work, say:

You: "I'm sorry to hear that.  Maybe another time.  Talk to you later, I have to go now."

[amsunshine]

I agree with so much of what is posted here.  "Why do you ask?" should be a standard response with this person.

 

But I also wanted to say, I think there is a tendency for people (maybe women in particular?) to feel as if they have to be more accommodating than they want to be.  We find it hard to say "No", even when it is in our own best interest.  I, myself, practice saying, "No" to things that are really inconveniences for me.  It's easier said than done, I know.

 

For a person to know you have plans on a certain day, and then ask to insert themselves into your day by asking if he/she could come over before or after your planned activities, is somewhat presumptuous.  This person is only thinking of what is convenient for him or her, and apparently assumes you must have unlimited energy and/or time during any given day, regardless of what your plans are, to fit him/her in. It's ok to just say "No, that won't work for us.  Maybe another time!"

[zoobie]

No, and although I'm sure there are people who do that "innocently," you know it's manipulative on the part of this person.

 

My mother does this. "I don't know; why?" Is my standard answer.

 

The script above is excellent. Be politely blunt. It's okay to say no. I wouldn't apologize either. You've done nothing wrong for which you need to apologize when you say that won't work for you. You can do this! :)

[TammyS]

I HATE people who ask that way.  Ok, maybe not the people, exactly, but definitely the asking method. HATE IT.

 

I always reply, "I really don't know.  My mind is a sieve.  I'd have to find my calendar.  Why, do you need something?"  Let them fill in with whatever, then, "Ok, well, I'll get back to you as soon as I dig out my calendar."

 

I refuse to be put on the spot.  I also refuse to give explanations.  "Can I bring (insert person you're not in the mood for)?"  "Sorry, that won't work, but I'm looking forward to seeing you. Bye, now." click.

 

When I ask people, I try always to be forthcoming.  "I'd like to do X on Y date.  Let me know if that will work for you."

Edited June 5, 2016 by TammyS

[TammyS]

It does feel like a trap!

 

I'll never forget my brother saying "what are you doing Saturday night?" And then when I said "nothing" he said "oh good you can babysit". Lesson.learned.

 

 

Answer: "Didn't you hear me?  I just told you I'm doing nothing Saturday night.  I can't babysit while I do nothing. Sorry, Dude."

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well the example of her saying she'll come before or after and you think that's not convenient, could you possible just offer an alternate day?  Like say...oh hey that's great, but it would be better if you came the day before or the weekend after so things wouldn't be so hectic (or whatever).

 

It sure is confusing when people say the same thing, but the meaning shifts. 

[Spryte]

How can I send the biggest thank-you possible on the Hive?

 

Thank you. I feel like I can breathe again.

 

I have read every post, and nodded, and can't tell you all the gratitude I feel for the validation, encouragement, and the actual words to use - they are all going in my toolbox.

 

This is one of those relationships that brings up a lot of complicated emotions, and I'm so close to it, it's hard to see straight.

 

You have all made me feel much better prepared for the next time this happens. (It will be soon, I think.)

 

And - I am going to buy a paper planner so I can mention needing to check it at home to avoid the phone glance. Yep, that's part of it.

 

Whew. I feel physically better now.

 

Hive win!

[Guest]

With my friends it's more of a "What are you doing in 30 minutes?" Or a "we need to hang out this week!!" (Not a question). :)

 

But I don't have a stressful friend like yours.

[Amy in NH]

Oh I hate that phrase. Not only does it play out the way you mention, some other people use it as a way to not take no for an answer. Instead of the insincerely cheerful "we should get together!" (transl. in a million years) "yes, lets!" (transl. when pigs fly) the conversation is predicated on I AM going to see you. It feels like I'm talking to a bill collector with some people.

 

& I don't find 'let me check my calendar' very helpful any more because people just stare at you, your phone, you, your phone. Um, yeah, my calendar is there.....you want me to look at it now I guess? :D

 

 

My calendar isn't there. It is a paper calendar on my desk in my office, where I rarely am when on the phone.

[SKL]

It sounds like the way my parents would phrase "want to get together?"  But my parents would take "no" for an answer.

 

Next time, maybe say "we're out of town that day."

[happi duck]

Answer: "Didn't you hear me? I just told you I'm doing nothing Saturday night. I can't babysit while I do nothing. Sorry, Dude."

Fetch me a time machine...stat!!

[eternalsummer]

This is how I prepare my mom to ask her to babysit.  It's kind of pushy but it's kind of meant to be kind of pushy because I generally only ask for babysitting when I really need it.

 

It usually goes like this: kid needs to go to doctor, DH is unavailable.  I call mom and say, "Hey mom, what are you doing?"  She says, "Nothing, why?" I say, 

"Need to drop off [x kids] for an hour or so, is that okay?"

 

At that point she either says yes (95% of the time) or no (in rare circumstances, like she's got the flu or something).  

 

I would not use it with a friend.

 

 

OP, I would definitely practice using some of these things in front of the mirror or with your DH or a kid or something.  When people put me on the spot I tend to agree to whatever just to get them to leave me alone, but if I practice refusing or being more assertive it is easier to do in the moment.

[MysteryJen]

That is my personal pet peeve. I have a friend who did this for years. I always say, "probably busy, why?" Now finally, like 10 years later, she leads with the information first.

 

Because even if I am going to be at home watching netflix with the dog, I have plans!

[Baseball mom]

It does feel like a trap!

 

I'll never forget my brother saying "what are you doing Saturday night?" And then when I said "nothing" he said "oh good you can babysit". Lesson.learned.

 

Now I say "why? What's up?"

 

If I'm doing the asking I say "we'd like to have you over for dinner. Does Saturday work?

 

Like you I have learned to say "why? What's up?" before answering.  I have a couple people in my life that when they call they want me or ds to do something for them. 

[Katy]

I find the best way to stop this nonsense from someone without good boundaries is to ignore the manipulation and answer as if she's asking you to do something on that day, period. You just say, "I'm sorry, we already have plans that day," and refuse to elaborate.   If she presses again just say, "The whole family has plans that day.  Why do you ask?"

 

If it's someone who I suspect is just being inartful, rather than manipulative, the old, "I'd have to check my calendar.  Why?  What did you have in mind?" works well.

 

And if someone who knows your schedule randomly shows up without an invitation, leaving beforehand when you have an idea they're coming, "Hey kids, I forgot to tell you I planned a field trip to the nature center today!!!  Go get your nets, we'll try catching and examining water bugs in the stream!"  Because showing up several times to no one being home is often enough to prompt a call first.

 

If she shows up without any warning, feigning holding back heaves while you tell her you wished she'd called first, because you're all fighting a stomach flu, should be enough to make her go away.

[heartlikealion]

You may have to create a buffer for yourself... "I don't know" "I need to double check, why what's up?" or even flat out say after she makes her suggestion, "oh I don't think that will work. The kids have to get ready for bed after X."

 

I don't typically ask things that way. One time I did recently, just asked a friend if she was going to be out of town for a holiday (didn't ask specific plans) because I was about to invite them to a party.

 

I'd probably say something like, "We should get together soon. Are you busy on X day?" and then let them decide if that day works for them or not and we agree on a time. I don't really have to know what people are busy with. I don't necessarily care, either.

[Katy]

For those who've had trouble with the calendar thing, just say you had to go back to a paper calendar after the last iPhone/software update because it deleted appointments.  FYI- I actually had that happen.  Lots of people did.  About a year ago the iPhone update caused a syncing issue that deleted appointments instead of syncing them.   There's some obscure setting you have to change or it's still an ongoing issue.  We had to pay a fee for a missed medical appointment as a result.

[catz]

I always say "I'm not sure without checking my calendar. What do you have in mind?" And given our calendar lately, I just say this to everyone. I have accidently made plans without checking my calendar.

[DawnM]

Huh, I haven't really thought about it, but if it is someone I want to see, I would say, "Let me check?  Did you want to do something?"  And if it is someone I am really not sure I want to spend time with I will say, "I am not 100% sure, there are some things that we are waiting to find out about before I will know" and then I will see if I *have time* or not.  

 

I can't say as I get this question often though, unless it is after we have already said, "Hey, let's get together!" and it is mutually agreed upon.

[Pen]

I don't know. Unfortunately my main calendar is at home. Did you have something in mind that you were hoping we could do together?

[Jyhwkmama]

You really need to ask yourself why you are continuing to have a relationship with someone who brings so much stress to your life. Put up some better boundaries and protect yourself and your family.

[Seeking Squirrels]

I would respond "I'll need to check my calendar, did you have something in mind?" Or if I already know I won't want to do anything that day for whatever reason I would say something like "We have a pretty full schedule that day, actually. Why? Did you want to make plans for sometime soon?" I would say this even if my "schedule" said "nap" "free play for kids" or "watch tv". You don't owe anyone an explanation of what you're doing with your free time. You don't have to divulge your schedule and it doesn't have to meet anyone else's approval in order for you to not change it for them. 

 

If I did share a plan and a counter plan was suggested that didn't work for me, I would say so, sugar coated if you must. "Oh I wish we could, but DC will be awfully beat after xyz activity and will need that down time after. Is there another day that works for you?" I would go straight into asking for another day after my hedge out of the first. Otherwise they might keep offering ideas. Oh after doesn't work, then they switch to before, then the switch to joining you.... So straight from "no" to "another day". 

 

Are you ever okay with doing things with this person? (Sorry if it's been covered, I didn't read the whole thread.) If no then cut it off, or say that your schedule is very full right now and you'll get in touch when you can get together. And then just don't. But it sounds like you need to keep the peace and therefore need to make some time. So you'll have to accept that you have to spend that time SOME time. So go on the offense and if a meetup is sounding likely, offer up a time that works for you before she starts quizing you about your schedule and inserting herself into it where it doesn't work so well. 

 

ETA: I usually say "Are you free on xyzday?" Or "We should get together soon, what day works for you?" 

Edited June 6, 2016 by Whovian10

[Spryte]

You really need to ask yourself why you are continuing to have a relationship with someone who brings so much stress to your life. Put up some better boundaries and protect yourself and your family.

I tried to stress in the OP that cutting contact isn't an option here. This is a relationship that has to continue, for a multitude of reasons.

 

I have asked myself, and we have asked ourselves together, DH and I. This isn't someone with whom we can cut off contact, even if we wanted. The potential benefits outweigh the stress. We have cut off contact with some very stressful family members, so we're capable of that. But this particular person - no.

 

I simply have to find a way to manage her expectations and communication style in a way that keeps us all sane. She's recently reappeared after a several years absence, so I'm relearning how to handle it.

 

Better boundaries is the reason for the post.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Spryte

[Spryte]

I would respond "I'll need to check my calendar, did you have something in mind?" Or if I already know I won't want to do anything that day for whatever reason I would say something like "We have a pretty full schedule that day, actually. Why? Did you want to make plans for sometime soon?" I would say this even if my "schedule" said "nap" "free play for kids" or "watch tv". You don't owe anyone an explanation of what you're doing with your free time. You don't have to divulge your schedule and it doesn't have to meet anyone else's approval in order for you to not change it for them.

 

If I did share a plan and a counter plan was suggested that didn't work for me, I would say so, sugar coated if you must. "Oh I wish we could, but DC will be awfully beat after xyz activity and will need that down time after. Is there another day that works for you?" I would go straight into asking for another day after my hedge out of the first. Otherwise they might keep offering ideas. Oh after doesn't work, then they switch to before, then the switch to joining you.... So straight from "no" to "another day".

 

Are you ever okay with doing things with this person? (Sorry if it's been covered, I didn't read the whole thread.) If no then cut it off, or say that your schedule is very full right now and you'll get in touch when you can get together. And then just don't. But it sounds like you need to keep the peace and therefore need to make some time. So you'll have to accept that you have to spend that time SOME time. So go on the offense and if a meetup is sounding likely, offer up a time that works for you before she starts quizing you about your schedule and inserting herself into it where it doesn't work so well.

 

ETA: I usually say "Are you free on xyzday?" Or "We should get together soon, what day works for you?"

Oh, yes, definitely ok with spending time with her, and we're happy that she's reappeared again. this is someone we truly love, and she's a joy to be around.

 

I worry about hurting her feelings a lot, though, so when she says, "what are you doing on X day?" and her question could be simple curiosity about our lives, so I answer it that way and it turns into "can I come over before or after?" ...I fear hurting her feelings or making her feel unwelcome though it's just not convenient. I suggested another day the same week as an alternative, and it seems fine. But I want to avoid this sort of thing in the future.

 

You guys have given me such great ideas on how better to respond! Thanks.

[KungFuPanda]

My answer to that question is always "I have to check my calendar.  Why do you ask?" It's usually a trap, so I don't share any information until they show their hand.