PinkTulip Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) My DH has MS. He is really good at hiding it in public, but flares a lot at home, where he can just let it all out, so to speak. One thing that really sets off his flares is stress, particularly finances, so I really, really try to be frugal, stick to the budget, etc. to minimize his flares. I also just manage a lot with the house, kids, etc. without involving him to keep things low-stress on his end.So tonight we were talking about an upcoming trip we have been planning for months to San Francisco over spring break. It's kind of really a big deal because my oldest is a senior, going away to college in the fall, and I'm seeing this trip as our last major family vacation all together due to work schedules, camps, etc. over the summer.Tonight we found out we won't be able to stay at the home of our relatives in SF, due to some recent flooding. We were planning on staying there 3 nights total, which is now, understandably, not an option. With the added hotel expense, it looks like our trip is not happening. I got upset about not being able to go, while expressing my understanding that it is beyond our control and not wanting to spend more than we can afford. My DH is now having his worst flare he has had in 6 months, and it is my fault. My kids are all sullen at the idea of the trip being canceled, along with being very quiet and scared at seeing their dad's reaction.I just wish that we were all able to express our emotions in this house without feeling like we have to walk on eggshells so as not to send DH into a flare.I will suck it up, put on my big-girl panties, and plan some fun, cheap things to do at home instead, but tonight I want to pout for a minute and just say, this sucks! UPDATE: I am so happy to let you all know that we worked things out and we are able to go after all. A very kind and generous family member donated hotel chain points to us, plus adding to the minimal amount that we had, and we were able to get three nights at a hotel within walking distance to a BART station with no out of pocket cost to us. Thank you so much to each of you who offered your support and ideas for ways to make it work. I really love and appreciate the way this board rallies around people when they need it! Edited March 22, 2016 by Pink Tulip 29 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) What a rotten day! All around, just bad. You can't go on the trip. You can't go to your dh for comfort over the disappointment. The kids are withdrawn, sullen, and scared. That's a terrible day. :( And it's a heavy burden to bear, having to hide all your negative emotions from your life partner. So lonely. And you must be frightened a bit, too, watching your husband go through a flare. And he probably feels horrible as well! But how can he control it if things bother him emotionally? He's not a robot, and things will get to him. Is there any way to earn a bit of money before the trip so you can still go since it was such an important trip for the family? Anything you can sell on ebay or something? Edited March 18, 2016 by Garga 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetandSimple Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: I'm sorry! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) I would definitely think about making a little extra money. How much are you talking? Edited March 18, 2016 by Entropymama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SumSum Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilaclady Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 So sorry about this. It is definitely not your fault. You didn't cause the flooding and we're just expressing the facts. It is also not your husband's fault because he can't control his flares. Hugs all around. Just hoping there is a way to make it happen 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 My DH has MS. He is really good at hiding it in public, but flares a lot at home, where he can just let it all out, so to speak. One thing that really sets off his flares is stress, particularly finances, so I really, really try to be frugal, stick to the budget, etc. to minimize his flares. I also just manage a lot with the house, kids, etc. without involving him to keep things low-stress on his end. So tonight we were talking about an upcoming trip we have been planning for months to San Francisco over spring break. It's kind of really a big deal because my oldest is a senior, going away to college in the fall, and I'm seeing this trip as our last major family vacation all together due to work schedules, camps, etc. over the summer. Tonight we found out we won't be able to stay at the home of our relatives in SF, due to some recent flooding. We were planning on staying there 3 nights total, which is now, understandably, not an option. With the added hotel expense, it looks like our trip is not happening. I got upset about not being able to go, while expressing my understanding that it is beyond our control and not wanting to spend more than we can afford. My DH is now having his worst flare he has had in 6 months, and it is my fault. My kids are all sullen at the idea of the trip being canceled, along with being very quiet and scared at seeing their dad's reaction. I just wish that we were all able to express our emotions in this house without feeling like we have to walk on eggshells so as not to send DH into a flare. I will suck it up, put on my big-girl panties, and plan some fun, cheap things to do at home instead, but tonight I want to pout for a minute and just say, this sucks! No, absolutely not. His flare is the result of the disease that is in his body. It is not your fault. The situation is bad enough, but it is not your fault. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I hope that you are able to still have a special time with family. And I hope that your dh recovers from this flare quickly. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I totally get it. Dh has a chronic illness and it is rare that I can turn to him for support during an upset like you are experiencing without triggering a stress response. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 We're supposed to leave a week from today, so 3 nights hotel in San Francisco, 2 rooms (6 people), over Easter weekend. I haven't even priced hotels, but I'm thinking $500-600 minimum. We're not coming up with that in a week's time, and that is more than we were planning on spending our whole time there for activities, etc. When traveling, we often eat breakfast & lunch in the hotel with grocery store food (cereal, sandwiches, etc) so it was a frugal trip to begin with. Thanks for everyone's support - I appreciate it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Grasping at straws here, but maybe do some quick browsing on airbnb.com? Erica in OR 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry your plans have to change. Please don't blame yourself. :( Neither the flood, nor your DH's disease are your fault. You are as much a victim of the circumstances as your relatives, DH, and kids. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Can you reschedule the trip to happen in May or June instead to give yourself a little more time to come up with the money? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) First of all--you are venting to us and not your DH. So, you are not the worst person of the year. Huge hugs to you, your kids, and your DH. Second of all: We're supposed to leave a week from today, so 3 nights hotel in San Francisco, 2 rooms (6 people), over Easter weekend. I haven't even priced hotels, but I'm thinking $500-600 minimum. We're not coming up with that in a week's time, and that is more than we were planning on spending our whole time there for activities, etc. When traveling, we often eat breakfast & lunch in the hotel with grocery store food (cereal, sandwiches, etc) so it was a frugal trip to begin with.Thanks for everyone's support - I appreciate it! Our family of six rented an apartment on AirB&B. Edit: N/M did not see that it was in one week. What a huge disappointment. Edited March 18, 2016 by Tsuga 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) hyatt place has single rooms for 6 people. Probably kind of pricey in SF but maybe you could find one a bit south? San Jose is like $120 a night or so (still expensive, I know, but maybe the $250-$300 difference makes it doable?) edit: yep, in the Hyatt place in Fremont it's $105 a night for next weekend (is that easter?), one room (2 queens and a sofa bed) Edited March 18, 2016 by ananemone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I am extremely sorry. It isn't fair for you to never get to vent. I had an issue for years that I didn't want to talk about outside the family so that I wasn't disloyal, but then I couldn't vent to my family either. Years of pent of frustration are not fun. You are entitled to your own feelings, you really are. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoJosMom Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 (Hugs) Could your relatives come up with friends who could take you in? Is there still a chance you could squeeze in with the relatives? Maybe with the flooding it isn't ideal but you could still crash there? (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I'm so sorry. Hotels right in SF are really pricey. That one in Fremont sounds like a good deal, and Fremont has a BART station so you can take the train in and out of the city really easily. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 We're supposed to leave a week from today, so 3 nights hotel in San Francisco, 2 rooms (6 people), over Easter weekend. I haven't even priced hotels, but I'm thinking $500-600 minimum. We're not coming up with that in a week's time, and that is more than we were planning on spending our whole time there for activities, etc. When traveling, we often eat breakfast & lunch in the hotel with grocery store food (cereal, sandwiches, etc) so it was a frugal trip to begin with. Thanks for everyone's support - I appreciate it! Local into a condo or family suite. We've done residence Inn 2 bdrm suites alot. They sleep six.Those options can be less than 2 rooms. RI includes breakfast Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Grasping at straws here, but maybe do some quick browsing on airbnb.com? Erica in OR I second airbnb. My nephew who is a student on a budget got a really good deal for the same weekend as you (in chicago, not SF) and the owner even offered to pick him up at the airport because it was on his way. I think that you can get good rates in SF suburbs on airbnb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Could you camp somewhere those few days? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Tonight we found out we won't be able to stay at the home of our relatives in SF, due to some recent flooding. We were planning on staying there 3 nights total, which is now, understandably, not an option. With the added hotel expense, it looks like our trip is not happening. I got upset about not being able to go, while expressing my understanding that it is beyond our control and not wanting to spend more than we can afford. My DH is now having his worst flare he has had in 6 months, and it is my fault. My kids are all sullen at the idea of the trip being canceled, along with being very quiet and scared at seeing their dad's reaction. You are NOT to blame. You are NOT to blame. You are NOT to blame. (And I hope no one is actually blaming you.) You had a perfectly normal reaction to a huge disappointment while, at the same time, reaffirming your financial goals. You didn't stamp your feet and scream that you never get to do anything fun. I hope you're able to find a compromise that lets you still enjoy your precious family time. It's got to be a huge burden to feel as though you can't express your own feelings. I totally understand why you work so hard to minimize stress in your DH's life. I think we'd all do exactly the same thing. But you're NOT responsible for the effects of that ugly, ugly disease. Please let us know what you work out and how your spring break goes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 You are not to blame at all. Everyone is a raw nerve over it, understandably given the circumstances, and you feel like the fall guy, maybe they are even making you the fall guy, but that is NOT your fault. Could you postpone the trip until the flooding subsides and relatives have a chance to clean up/repair? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 The flare isn't your fault any more than it is your DH's. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I'm sorry! I would be disappointed too. Have you tried Hotwire or Priceline for hotels? In another town we got a room for $60/night at a historic hotel where the published rate was close to $200. It's been awhile since I used them so I can't remember which website it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 Thanks everyone - updated in post #1 :hurray: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Thanks everyone - updated in post #1 :hurray: Awesome!! What a sweet gesture by your family member! Enjoy your vacation!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Yay!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Always remember, the boards are such a great place to vent and come for advice. I am so glad that you got to go!!! Whoo Hoo!! Jumping around in excitement for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I'm so glad it all worked out!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2Five Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 We're supposed to leave a week from today, so 3 nights hotel in San Francisco, 2 rooms (6 people), over Easter weekend. I haven't even priced hotels, but I'm thinking $500-600 minimum. We're not coming up with that in a week's time, and that is more than we were planning on spending our whole time there for activities, etc. When traveling, we often eat breakfast & lunch in the hotel with grocery store food (cereal, sandwiches, etc) so it was a frugal trip to begin with. Thanks for everyone's support - I appreciate it! For what it is worth, as a family of 7, I refuse to pay for two rooms. I think it is ridiculous. If it is against fire codes, what have you they should automatically give two adjoining rooms to a bigger family. We all know there are dozens of rooms left vacant on any given night. All my kids are 9 and under and it just ticks me off. If they ask how many kids I either out right lie or say a couple are staying with grandparents at a neighboring hotel. They can't determine what hours you have visitors. Ok rant over. Equal rights for large families, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 UPDATE: I am so happy to let you all know that we worked things out and we are able to go after all. A very kind and generous family member donated hotel chain points to us, plus adding to the minimal amount that we had, and we were able to get three nights at a hotel within walking distance to a BART station with no out of pocket cost to us. Thank you so much to each of you who offered your support and ideas for ways to make it work. I really love and appreciate the way this board rallies around people when they need it! :party: So glad it worked out! Have a great vacation! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I saw this after the update. I'm so glad it worked out for you guys to still be able to take the trip! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I'm so glad it worked out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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