Am I Too Late? Responsibility in Household for 17 y/o

[goldberry]

Okay, growing up, my mom was a traditional SAHM.  I never really did a lot of chores around the house, she never showed me how to laundry, cook, anything really.  She just did it all and the house was always spotless.  Granted, I'm a terrible cook.  But, growing up in a clean house did make me want to have a clean, well kept house as an adult.  I guess I learned more by her modeling.

 

So, I've never been really strict on DD with chores.  She has always been a high maintenance, emotional, easily overwhelmed kid.  If there is too much going on in a day, she gets very stressed and needs "down time".   :001_rolleyes:  I get that, I'm like that too, so I have tended to let her get away with a lot of down time!

 

The past few days, I have been sick with the stomach flu.  DH is out of town working, so it has just been me and DD.  I was trying to stay in the bedroom to not spread the virus.  She was bringing me drinks, ice, toast.  That was all day Monday.  By Monday night, she was totally stressed out.  There were dishes everywhere, she needed to load the dishwasher!  The cats needed to be fed!  She went to bed that night leaving every light in the house on.  She did not even do any school that day.  All she did was wait on me a bit.  Aye. 

 

Now that I am feeling better, I am seriously concerned about her ability to function if she is overwhelmed by being in charge of the household for two freakin' days.  This really struck home to me that I have not had her take a large enough part in the household.  This is definitely my fault.  She is overall a good kid, we have a good relationship, but now we're talking about ingrained habits in an almost adult.

 

Is it too late to try to teach a 17 yo to be more responsible this way?  How do I go about this?  My normal method would be to go all drill sargeant and try to give her a huge list of things to do every day.  But, as I mentioned, she doesn't handle stress well and that would probably just create a giant power struggle of her not wanting to do it and me trying to force her to do it.  How can I approach this at a teenage level that will be successful?

 

ETA, she also has ADD.

 

Edited March 17, 2016 by goldberry

[StephanieZ]

I share your pain. I have no idea how my kids have not absorbed any of dh & I's work ethic, but they are slobs. 

 

One recent thing I've done with my teens is that after dinner, we ALL clean the kitchen/dishes/counters/etc together. Both of us parents plus the kids. Until it's all perfect and clean! It generally takes about 15 min. This has been the best thing I've ever done, and I can't believe I never did it before now. It's about 6-8 weeks since we started, and life is much better.  Even the kids admit it has been a great change. 

 

Previously, various kids had assigned "kitchen jobs" but getting them to do it, and having an actually clean kitchen at any point in time unless dh &/or I did it, was never happening. 

 

Also, over the weeks, I've graduated from me doing routine kitchen chores alongside the kids to me doing the "deeper cleaning" stuff like wiping down the cabinets, pulling out the vacuum, scrubbing the sinks, cleaning the appliances, etc, while the kids are handling the stuff they can "see" like the counters and dishes. Dh can sort mail, put away leftovers, etc . . . So, it's no MORE work for me or dh, as the kids are still doing all their old jobs (and more), but because we are all working together, things just go much smoother and it all gets DONE. 

 

So, anyway, that's my late-in-parenthood lesson. Chores done simultaneously are the way to go. If I could start over, I'd have had "cleaning times" throughout the day/week, and we'd have all worked together . . . 

 

 

[marbel]

I don't think it's too late. At least, I hope not; my 17-year-old would be overwhelmed too.

 

Seriously, I honestly remember nothing about chores, cooking, etc., during my teen years.  I think my mom took care of everything.   The only memory I have is of cooking my dad a frozen hot dog once, and serving it to him charred on the outside but still frozen on the inside.  I don't remember how old I was then. Maybe college age?  (I lived at home when I started college and commuted.)

 

I don't think I came into my own with cooking and cleaning till I had to do it while living on my own. 

 

Seems like the best approach for your daughter would be to ease into it gradually.  Maybe start by saying something like:  "Thanks for helping me while I was sick.  Now, I can see that we need to get moving on giving you some skills for independent living."  And take it from there.  I know from experience the drill sergeant method will not work.  :-)

[Scarlett]

Okay, growing up, my mom was a traditional SAHM. I never really did a lot of chores around the house, she never showed me how to laundry, cook, anything really. She just did it all and the house was always spotless. Granted, I'm a terrible cook. But, growing up in a clean house did make me want to have a clean, well kept house as an adult. I guess I learned more by her modeling.

 

So, I've never been really strict on DD with chores. She has always been a high maintenance, emotional, easily overwhelmed kid. If there is too much going on in a day, she gets very stressed and needs "down time". :001_rolleyes: I get that, I'm like that too, so I have tended to let her get away with a lot of down time!

 

The past few days, I have been sick with the stomach flu. DH is out of town working, so it has just been me and DD. I was trying to stay in the bedroom to not spread the virus. She was bringing me drinks, ice, toast. That was all day Monday. By Monday night, she was totally stressed out. There were dishes everywhere, she needed to load the dishwasher! The cats needed to be fed! She went to bed that night leaving every light in the house on. She did not even do any school that day. All she did was wait on me a bit. Aye.

 

Now that I am feeling better, I am seriously concerned about her ability to function if she is overwhelmed by being in charge of the household for two freakin' days. This really struck home to me that I have not had her take a large enough part in the household. This is definitely my fault. She is overall a good kid, we have a good relationship, but now we're talking about ingrained habits in an almost adult.

 

Is it too late to try to teach a 17 yo to be more responsible this way? How do I go about this? My normal method would be to go all drill sargeant and try to give her a huge list of things to do every day. But, as I mentioned, she doesn't handle stress well and that would probably just create a giant power struggle of her not wanting to do it and me trying to force her to do it. How can I approach this at a teenage level that will be successful?

Well if it is any consolation, I have the male version of your dd and I have consistently trained him his entire life to do household chores apparently to no avail. He remembers nothing. He is like a goose. A well behaved, high achieving student, who is a goose.

[goldberry]

  I know from experience the drill sergeant method will not work.  :-)

 

 Yeah.  Tried and failed too many times with this one.

 

He remembers nothing. He is like a goose. A well behaved, high achieving student, who is a goose.

 

YES!  This.  *sigh*  

[kroe1]

Isn't everyone stressed out with a new job? I would leave life alone if it has been fine so far. One does not have to clean 1000 toilets to know how to clean toilets, right?

[goldberry]

She has ADD also, if that helps giving advice at all.

Edited March 17, 2016 by goldberry

[Arcadia]

If someone, especially the usual cook, in the house is sick, we

- use disposable plates

- cook processed food in the toaster oven or simple one pot/pan dish over the stove

- run the laundry

 

17 is definately not too late. What is she feels most competent in? Cooking, laundry, grocery, cleaning (mop, vacuum)?

 

Start with what she feels most competent in and then add the next down the line. By the time you add in the least competent task, she would hopefully feel less overwhelmed.

 

Also don't expect perfection. My mom and dad is perfect at hand washing clothes and ironing but is okay with me being able to machine wash. My dad mop the floor until it sparkles but I mop until it feels clean. I had no problems taking care of myself in a single room at my university hostel with basic skills of cooking, laundry and wiping down mess.

 

How is a financial skills since she is 17? Planning and budgeting for groceries and toiletries can also fall under household skills.

 

ETA:

A prominent task list helps my youngest stay on track. He notice mine on my fridge door instead of his at his study area.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Arcadia

[goldberry]

Isn't everyone stressed out with a new job? I would leave life alone if it has been fine so far. One does not have to clean 1000 toilets to know how to clean toilets, right?

 

I get that... but I want her to feel confident when she goes out on her own, and not overwhelmed like she has no clue how to function.

[FlyingMOm]

I share your pain. I have no idea how my kids have not absorbed any of dh & I's work ethic, but they are slobs. 

 

One recent thing I've done with my teens is that after dinner, we ALL clean the kitchen/dishes/counters/etc together. Both of us parents plus the kids. Until it's all perfect and clean! It generally takes about 15 min. This has been the best thing I've ever done, and I can't believe I never did it before now. It's about 6-8 weeks since we started, and life is much better.  Even the kids admit it has been a great change. 

 

Previously, various kids had assigned "kitchen jobs" but getting them to do it, and having an actually clean kitchen at any point in time unless dh &/or I did it, was never happening. 

 

Also, over the weeks, I've graduated from me doing routine kitchen chores alongside the kids to me doing the "deeper cleaning" stuff like wiping down the cabinets, pulling out the vacuum, scrubbing the sinks, cleaning the appliances, etc, while the kids are handling the stuff they can "see" like the counters and dishes. Dh can sort mail, put away leftovers, etc . . . So, it's no MORE work for me or dh, as the kids are still doing all their old jobs (and more), but because we are all working together, things just go much smoother and it all gets DONE. 

 

So, anyway, that's my late-in-parenthood lesson. Chores done simultaneously are the way to go. If I could start over, I'd have had "cleaning times" throughout the day/week, and we'd have all worked together . . . 

 

This is really great advice.   This is how we do chores and, unlike most families I know, there is no drama over chores at our house.  Zero.  Kids are learning how to do things thoroughly b/c I am working alongside them & teaching them how to do jobs correctly.   We've now reached the point where kids can do a task completely while I am working on a different task.   But the key is that we are all working together at the same time and I am actively supervising and teaching.

[Tanaqui]

I think a huge list of things is NOT the way. Instead, why not talk to her? "Hey, DD, I noticed that taking care of the house was really hard for you. I'm super glad you helped out, but it made me think. Pretty soon you'll be heading off to college, getting a job, and living on your own or with roommates. I'm worried that you might have some trouble if you're not used to doing this sort of thing. I thought a good idea might be to add a few chores on, gradually, so that by the time you leave home you're mostly doing all the sorts of things you'll be doing on your own. Not the same amount of work, of course, because that's not fair, but more than you're doing now. What do you suggest we start with? Maybe doing your own laundry and also keeping the cat fed every day?"

 

Of course, you definitely wouldn't follow my script, which is certainly geared more towards kiddos the ages of mine than a 17 year old :)

[HomeAgain]

Start her off with a fly lady style checklist. Ten minutes, do these chores daily. Once she has those down, throw in a few weekly things. Then seasonal. All in a binder to take with her when she leaves.

 

Fwiw, I can trust my 16yo to function as an adult for a week, but only because we've worked hard on teaching those skills. We go through zones in the home, teaching how and when things need to be done. My parents did not see the end job of raising children to be adults and it took a long time for me to learn how to manage on my own. I don't want my kids to feel lost like I did.

[OneStepAtATime]

I get that... but I want her to feel confident when she goes out on her own, and not overwhelmed like she has no clue how to function.

Start over.  Start with a training program.  Pick ONE thing to work on.  Show her how you do it and discuss why you do it the way you do (some things are personal preference while others have to be done a certain way because that is how the machine works or whatever).  Then have her do it with you.  Then she does it with you supporting her.  Then she does it until the process is automatic and she is very comfortable doing it.  It might take one day or several days or a week or a month.  That's o.k.  Play music or sing songs or just visit and share while you "train" her.  Then once she has finished her training and moved on to "journeyman status" (can do it on her own without prompting or very little prompting) have that as part of her responsibilities for the week.  Have her do it often enough that it is routine and she feels confident and she doesn't forget the process.  Move on to the next task and do the same thing.

 

I know it seems like much of this should be intuitive or easy to figure out from watching you but I found that my teenager had extreme anxiety regarding chores and had a hard time with sequencing until we started over with a training program.  Honestly, both kids did so much better when we started over with a training program.

 

You might read ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life and Smart but Scattered for more helpful ideas.  Make this a positive experience, not a punishment or a failure on either of your parts.  Just share with her that you realize she needs more support and training in this and you are there for her.  Maybe after finishing her "training" on each thing, you could do something fun together.

 

HTH

[Scarlett]

Thought I would brag on my son. He set an alert this evening and took the trash cans to the curb on his own!

[Katy]

ADD means she has a hard time breaking things down.  Honestly I don't think I really learned to clean until I got married, and that was because DH has worse ADHD than me! I mean I generally would get stuff clean before it got gross, but I always cared more about bacteria than clutter, and am always doing a dozen projects that are never put away, so hello clutter.

 

Fly lady helped (small routines, imperfect cleaning still blesses your family).

A book on organizing for ADHD helped (shallow open shelves might not be as pretty, and might collect dust, but they are better because you don't use or put away what you can't see, also make sure everything has a place).

Kon Mari style folding helped (again, you can't use what you don't see).

All working together until everything is spotless helped (and make cleaning a habit for everyone).

 

I'd make a brief home keeping course part of your formal curriculum, have her practice all the basic skills (cleaning, organizing, laundry, planning healthy & inexpensive meals, cooking), read a couple books on the topics, and make her own written plan for cleaning schedules and a week's worth of meals (including cost) as the final.

 

Still, there are some creative personalities that prefer piles and messes, and some organized personalities that don't.  She might not care enough about this sort of thing for quite a few years yet, but I promise she will care eventually.

[goldberry]

You might read ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life and Smart but Scattered for more helpful ideas.  

 

I just recently bought these books online...

[zoobie]

Does she have anxiety in addition to the ADHD? The way you've described her being overwhelmed and exhausted by new things seems more like an anxiety response. Of course it's commonly intertwined with ADHD. (And being 17. ;) ) Dealing with the anxiety would be more important for future successful "launching" than household chores. I think they are important too. Although managing solo in a small dorm or apartment is easier than a large household with multiple people. Pick one task and work on it for a week. Rotate through the most important.

[Haiku]

I don't think it's too late, but I do think you and your daughter are at a disadvantage. My advice is to start with one chore broken down into steps on a checklist, and add chores as she feels comfortable doing so (or as you feel

necessary if she never says she feels comfortable). I think you may have to provide support longer into adulthood than you might have had you started earlier. There is a lot she will need to know, and expecting her to just muddle through and figure it out for herself probably won't net the best outcome. You may have to spend some time in the place she ends up living independently, teaching her how to perform routine and necessary chores.

[goldberry]

Something I was reading on another site, about kids who didn't have to do chores, it just really got me thinking. 

 

My parents made me do very little work around the house. Even then, I was usually able to get out of doing it.  The consequences are the following:

1. College was a rude awakening. All of a sudden I had roommates yelling at me about being a slob, laundry piled up, dirty dishes stinking up the whole apartment and no idea what I was doing wrong. Sharing a room with me was miserable for my first roommate with my clothes strewn all over the place and unwashed bowls and cups everywhere. I cringe just remembering how ignorant I was. It was a harsh and steep learning curve for me to realize I was now responsible for everything I did and I didn't have mom and dad to help. I really wish I had been prepared before.
2. A life long hatred of chores and an innate sense of "this isn't my job".Starting chores at 18 is way too late. Even as a 27 year old now married with a child, chores are almost intolerable for me.  I hate cooking and cleaning and doing errands with a passion. It was never in built in my character and I wish my parents had made it a part of my life earlier so that it would seem routine to me now.
3. Uncomfortable helping in someone else's house. When I go to my in-laws house or even a friend's place I am uncomfortable in the kitchen or volunteering to help out.  My entire childhood consisted of me sitting in the kitchen talking to my parents while they ran around and did everything and it takes a good deal of conscious effort to overcome that. I am sure I have come across as rude or unhelpful many times in my life and have had to work very hard to move past my ignorance.
4. Super conscious of how I raise my son. Having been through this process I make my son do chores even at the age of 2.  I will never coddle him in the way I was and have him struggle later on. While my parents did it out of pure love and a desire for me to experience a childhood they didn't, I think I would be a far better person if I had been less selfish early on.

And...

 

The worst outcome is that your child does not learn that it takes a certain amount of repetitive, possibly boring work to get through life. 

Edited March 17, 2016 by goldberry

[Joker]

I didn't have to do chores and neither did my siblings. None of us have any of the issues above.

 

It's not too late to have her help out more. It also doesn't mean she's going to struggle on her own.

[katilac]

I'm 50, and my mom STILL constantly goes on about how she has no idea how I wound up able to keep a clean, organized house, lol. 

 

Apparently, household chores were not my forte growing up. I think lots of kids simply don't 'see' the mess that needs cleaning, or the chore that needs doing. 

 

I agree that working together is probably a good idea, and the least likely to add stress or stir up drama.

 

I would do it because she's a member of the family and she should help, not so much for training reasons. If she grows up into a person who cares about her house, there are plenty of checklists and how-to's available, it's not that hard. Certainly it will help if you have her work with you/dh on various things, but I wouldn't stress about her being unprepared. 

 

Plenty of 'untrained' kids grow up and become good household managers. Plenty of 'trained' kids grow up and don't give a flip. 

[goldberry]

Does she have anxiety in addition to the ADHD? The way you've described her being overwhelmed and exhausted by new things seems more like an anxiety response. Of course it's commonly intertwined with ADHD. (And being 17. ;) ) Dealing with the anxiety would be more important for future successful "launching" than household chores. I think they are important too. Although managing solo in a small dorm or apartment is easier than a large household with multiple people. Pick one task and work on it for a week. Rotate through the most important.

 

I don't know that I would say anxiety...  It is really more just being overwhelmed...then after some time she usually can process and move on.  I think it relates to ADD in terms of executive function.  When she is confronted with something new, she can't automatically process how to handle it, the reality of what step to do, and then what to do next.  So she just goes  :willy_nilly:   As she has gotten older, that period has gotten shorter.  She has her moment, then usually calms down and starts to process it.  Sometimes are better than others ;) 

[Scarlett]

My mom claims I was a slob in my youth. At some point in my teen years it clicked and I wanted things neat. Neater than my creative project driven mom. I kept the house neat...and when I got my own apt and got married the transition was easy......keeping an apt for me and my first husband was a piece of cake compared to life with my mom and brother.

[SereneHome]

 

Something I was reading on another site, about kids who didn't have to do chores, it just really got me thinking. 

 

My parents made me do very little work around the house. Even then, I was usually able to get out of doing it.  The consequences are the following:

1. College was a rude awakening. All of a sudden I had roommates yelling at me about being a slob, laundry piled up, dirty dishes stinking up the whole apartment and no idea what I was doing wrong. Sharing a room with me was miserable for my first roommate with my clothes strewn all over the place and unwashed bowls and cups everywhere. I cringe just remembering how ignorant I was. It was a harsh and steep learning curve for me to realize I was now responsible for everything I did and I didn't have mom and dad to help. I really wish I had been prepared before.
2. A life long hatred of chores and an innate sense of "this isn't my job".Starting chores at 18 is way too late. Even as a 27 year old now married with a child, chores are almost intolerable for me.  I hate cooking and cleaning and doing errands with a passion. It was never in built in my character and I wish my parents had made it a part of my life earlier so that it would seem routine to me now.
3. Uncomfortable helping in someone else's house. When I go to my in-laws house or even a friend's place I am uncomfortable in the kitchen or volunteering to help out.  My entire childhood consisted of me sitting in the kitchen talking to my parents while they ran around and did everything and it takes a good deal of conscious effort to overcome that. I am sure I have come across as rude or unhelpful many times in my life and have had to work very hard to move past my ignorance.
4. Super conscious of how I raise my son. Having been through this process I make my son do chores even at the age of 2.  I will never coddle him in the way I was and have him struggle later on. While my parents did it out of pure love and a desire for me to experience a childhood they didn't, I think I would be a far better person if I had been less selfish early on.

And...

 

The worst outcome is that your child does not learn that it takes a certain amount of repetitive, possibly boring work to get through life. 

 

 

I wasn't going to comment on your thread bc I don't know anything about ADD so didn't think I could offer anything useful.

 

Until I read this.  Whoever wrote this is so full of BS and excuses it's not even funny.

 

I lived with my parents until I got married, early 30s.  I never did ANY housework or cooked.   Well, I cleaned my small room and did my own laundry, but my mom was packing my lunches.  I never went grocery shopping.  I never took care of a sick person.  I never did a lot of things.

 

When I got married, we both worked.  I cooked 90% of the meals, packed lunches for both of us, did grocery shopping, etc etc etc. 

 

I am still not a fan of cleaning, but I do it.  And I can guarantee you that even if I spent my childhood cleaning, I wouldn't have liked it any better today.  Household duties now days are NOTHING compared to years ago and you don't need extensive training to learn them.

 

Now, I am trying to teach my little ones various household stuff, but it's not bc I am worried that they won't know how to sweep the floor, it's bc 1) I have less than zero interest cleaning our huge house  by myself and 2) I can't come up with anything else that would teach them consistent responsibility. 

 

 

 

[MaeFlowers]

I think I would start simple. Is she responsible for taking care of her own stuff? That's where I would start. Learning to pick up after herself. Wash her own dirty dishes (or put them in the dishwasher.) Put up her clean clothes. Those sorts of things. (She may already do these things.) Then, branch out from there. Doing her own laundry. Cleaning her own bathroom, etc.

I'm not perfect. Sometimes my kids pick up after themselves, sometimes I do it. But I do try to instill certain things. Number one, I'm their mom, not their maid. Two, they are responsible for their own stuff. Not me. Three, it's OUR house. We all live here and we all have to chip in. I know it kind of sounds like two and three contradict but really it's a mix of self responsibility and respect for others.

I'm think I'm rambling but I don't think it's too late. We learn more from failure than success. She might stumble a bit at first, but she will figure it out.

Oh, and because my ds is add and dh probably is too, I have learned that my standards aren't necessarily their standards. I've learned that my idea of the right way isn't anyone else's and you have to be flexible.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My story is not exactly the same, but I grew up with a SAHM and we lived in a microscopic apartment.  There wasn't much to do to be honest.  So I didn't do much housework.  I never mowed a lawn.  I never was shown basic car stuff.  Cooked a little, but my mother mostly bought easy boxed stuff (Hamburger Helper).  Knew nothing about home maintenance like furnace filters (we always rented).  Fast forward and I had no trouble figuring those things out. 

 

There really is a much different feel to all of this when it's you in charge vs. your parents. 

 

I wasn't going to comment on your thread bc I don't know anything about ADD so didn't think I could offer anything useful.

 

Until I read this.  Whoever wrote this is so full of BS and excuses it's not even funny.

 

I lived with my parents until I got married, early 30s.  I never did ANY housework or cooked.   Well, I cleaned my small room and did my own laundry, but my mom was packing my lunches.  I never went grocery shopping.  I never took care of a sick person.  I never did a lot of things.

 

When I got married, we both worked.  I cooked 90% of the meals, packed lunches for both of us, did grocery shopping, etc etc etc. 

 

I am still not a fan of cleaning, but I do it.  And I can guarantee you that even if I spent my childhood cleaning, I wouldn't have liked it any better today.  Household duties now days are NOTHING compared to years ago and you don't need extensive training to learn them.

 

Now, I am trying to teach my little ones various household stuff, but it's not bc I am worried that they won't know how to sweep the floor, it's bc 1) I have less than zero interest cleaning our huge house  by myself and 2) I can't come up with anything else that would teach them consistent responsibility. 

 

 

 

[Liz CA]

It's been a while here but I used to have a chore list for ds. It was written down - he had input or could rotate some things. Whatever we decided on had to be done by the end of the day. This was the requirement unless there were extenuating circumstances and napping was not one of them. It's never too late to start on something like this. I actually think kids feel they are contributing something worthwhile to the household and family life by having chores and taking care to do them.

 

Perhaps sit down together and list the daily chores that need doing so everyone can feel comfortable, i.e., cooking, laundry on some days, some cleaning, etc. Turn it into something we "work on together because it needs to get done" instead of "these are chores for you so you won't be bored." Expect moping and frowning but don't give the option of doing nothing if you want to see change.

Divide things up and start off "small," give lots of positive feedback and maybe add a few things later when the work flow has become routine.

 

Edited March 17, 2016 by Liz CA

[Liz CA]

 

Something I was reading on another site, about kids who didn't have to do chores, it just really got me thinking. 

 

My parents made me do very little work around the house. Even then, I was usually able to get out of doing it.  The consequences are the following:

1. College was a rude awakening. All of a sudden I had roommates yelling at me about being a slob, laundry piled up, dirty dishes stinking up the whole apartment and no idea what I was doing wrong. Sharing a room with me was miserable for my first roommate with my clothes strewn all over the place and unwashed bowls and cups everywhere. I cringe just remembering how ignorant I was. It was a harsh and steep learning curve for me to realize I was now responsible for everything I did and I didn't have mom and dad to help. I really wish I had been prepared before.
2. A life long hatred of chores and an innate sense of "this isn't my job".Starting chores at 18 is way too late. Even as a 27 year old now married with a child, chores are almost intolerable for me.  I hate cooking and cleaning and doing errands with a passion. It was never in built in my character and I wish my parents had made it a part of my life earlier so that it would seem routine to me now.
3. Uncomfortable helping in someone else's house. When I go to my in-laws house or even a friend's place I am uncomfortable in the kitchen or volunteering to help out.  My entire childhood consisted of me sitting in the kitchen talking to my parents while they ran around and did everything and it takes a good deal of conscious effort to overcome that. I am sure I have come across as rude or unhelpful many times in my life and have had to work very hard to move past my ignorance.
4. Super conscious of how I raise my son. Having been through this process I make my son do chores even at the age of 2.  I will never coddle him in the way I was and have him struggle later on. While my parents did it out of pure love and a desire for me to experience a childhood they didn't, I think I would be a far better person if I had been less selfish early on.

And...

 

The worst outcome is that your child does not learn that it takes a certain amount of repetitive, possibly boring work to get through life. 

 

 

This is someone else's perception and experience. Everyone is different. I would start now and see what happens. Nobody screams in excitement at the prospect of having to mop the floor but it still gets done (now and then).  :)

 

[happi duck]

I didn't have chores and I figured it all out without any drama or shock.  (no cases of "Why the hell haven't the dishes cleaned themselves?"  "Why are the towels crunchy? or "something must be wrong with these clothes because they smell" :D )

 

I am another vote for working together.  Our family (me, dh and two college age kids) work together quite well.  My kids aren't 'required' to do specific things but can do any of the needed chores on their own if asked or if they decided to do something.

 

If she was overwhelmed like you described, imho, I would *not* take the "you'll be on you own soon" route.  Again, imho, that adds a gravity that isn't necessary at this time.  I would just start working together without mention of the other day or the future.

[HomeAgain]

I think I would start simple. Is she responsible for taking care of her own stuff? That's where I would start. Learning to pick up after herself. Wash her own dirty dishes (or put them in the dishwasher.) Put up her clean clothes. Those sorts of things. (She may already do these things.) Then, branch out from there. Doing her own laundry. Cleaning her own bathroom, etc.

I'm not perfect. Sometimes my kids pick up after themselves, sometimes I do it. But I do try to instill certain things. Number one, I'm their mom, not their maid. Two, they are responsible for their own stuff. Not me. Three, it's OUR house. We all live here and we all have to chip in. I know it kind of sounds like two and three contradict but really it's a mix of self responsibility and respect for others.

I'm think I'm rambling but I don't think it's too late. We learn more from failure than success. She might stumble a bit at first, but she will figure it out.

Oh, and because my ds is add and dh probably is too, I have learned that my standards aren't necessarily their standards. I've learned that my idea of the right way isn't anyone else's and you have to be flexible.

 

I think this sums it up perfectly.  Care of self, care of environment, care for others.  Three steps every person should learn, though we don't all do them the same way.

[Sarah CB]

Thought I would brag on my son. He set an alert this evening and took the trash cans to the curb on his own!

 

My thirteen year old son emptied all the garbages and cleaned the cat litter without being asked!  It's his daily chore and *every* *single* *day* I have to remind him and bug him or he will forget.  It's a minor miracle that he did it on his own yesterday.

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 14, 2016 by cathey

[JFSinIL]

Flat out tell her that your being ill showed both of you that you need to add basic household maintenance/cooking/bill paying etc. to her education.  Skills she needs as an adult anyway - and what if something even more dire happened to you? When hubby and I were incapacitated after our car crash (and I was away from home for a full month), came home to hospital bed, wheelchair..hubby not much better off - the kids HAD to step up and run things (and take care of their sibling with autism.  My youngest had just turned 18.  She took over most household chores and shopping, her 20-yr-old sister (full-time job) helped and took care of paying bills, some cooking, dealing with insurance etc. until hubby was up to it.  If my kids had not already known how to shop/cook/clean I hate to think how much worse it could have been.

Edited March 17, 2016 by JFSinIL

[regentrude]

Not too late.

I did not have many chores as a child; my grandma lived with us and was the home maker. We kids helped a bit with household tasks, but really not a lot.

When I moved out, I figured it out. It's not rocket science and does not need to be practiced for years.

I never used a washing machine until I was 26 (in my first apartment, we had to hand wash clothes)

I learned to figure out a coal stove when I moved into my first place at age 22.

 

I think when a young person is forced to take care of her household, things will fall in place - when there is no longer a mom to whom one can whine dramatically about being overwhelmed.

 

I left my 16 y/o DS alone for a week last summer. I came back to a house that was not in shambles. The time was short enough so he did not have to do laundry and actual cleaning, but at least take care of daily tasks. So, could you leave her alone for a few weeks and let her figure things out?

 

Edited March 17, 2016 by regentrude

[Chris in VA]

I'll bet she freaked out a bit because her environment had become chaotic. I can easily keep a clean space clean, but when it gets really dirty because I've let it go, or because some extra stuff has been put there, then it becomes overwhelming. Kitchen, for example--if I go into it and it's clear but just the dishwasher needs to be emptied and there's a few things in the sink, I'm fine, but if it's gone all day or perhaps overnight and there's a pile here and a pile there, I just want to walk away.

 

I think working beside her is an excellent idea. My godmother never wanted a dishwasher, because washing up after dinner was her time to talk with her daughter--doesn't that put a sweet spin on the idea of cleaning together? It seems homey and happy to me, and that image has set the tone for what I'd like to happen in my house.

 

We went thru a time when the boys cleaned all together with their dad on Saturday mornings, with the Beatles blasting on the stereo (yeah, back when you blasted things on the stereo! lol ). Then we moved, Dad had to work Saturdays, and I assigned chores. Not the same feeling at all, and one child became ugly and resentful, and the team feeling was totally gone. Part of that was the age of the kids, but I know part of it was the lack of working together (I worked with them, but it wasn't the same).

 

So, I think telling her what you noticed, and starting to have her work with you on certain things would be really helpful. When she feels competent, she'll be more likely to help when you are down. My 2 cents, anyway.

[Kim in Appalachia]

She has ADD also, if that helps giving advice at all.

 

 

I have 2 girls with ADD, so I do understand how your dd gets overwhelmed when there's too big of a mess. But it's not too late to help her learn some techniques to help keep order.

 

Going all drill sergeant will not work, and it sounds like you know that. I can be the same way.  I get frustrated then go a bit nuts overboard, but that will not work.

 

You need to start you giving your dd a task.  Have her help clean up dinner, and maybe once or twice a week she cleans it all up.  Start off with having her load a dishwasher.  Keep the tasks simple or she could get overwhelmed.

 

You could also have her help out with general pick up in the house or just vacuuming/sweeping once a week.

 

Cooking is also a good skill.  Maybe she could learn how to cook her favorite meal.   At first just cook, but then learn how to cook and clean it up. If she ends up enjoying cooking, maybe once a month (or more) she could cook for the family.  

 

I will add, that even though both my girls know how to cook quite a bit, and know how to help clean around the house, their room is a mess.  I mean, it is so bad that it drives me a bit nuts and I try not to look. My oldest (21) is much better, but my 18 year old is bad.  Some of it is a phase, some is her ADD.  She was a neat freak until she turned 16, then it was as if some switch went off in her head and she forgot how to pick anything up or put anything away.  I'm hoping that the switch flips back someday. 

 

I think most kids find their own way eventually when it comes to organizing and cleaning, but it can take a while. 

[goldberry]

The recurring theme of working together is a great idea.  DD is an extreme extrovert.  I was reading in one of the ADD books about finding something to make tasks more enjoyable, and it mentioned "other people".  Typically when we do clean, we separate to different areas.  "Go clean your room".  She will be in there for an hour and get nothing done.  Picks up and puts things down, starts messing with something she found in a pile, etc.

 

I really want to try the idea of working in the same area.

[Arcadia]

I have to tomato stake my distracted kid else he forgets what he was suppose to be doing :)

[Pen]

Okay, growing up, my mom was a traditional SAHM.  I never really did a lot of chores around the house, she never showed me how to laundry, cook, anything really.  She just did it all and the house was always spotless.  Granted, I'm a terrible cook.  But, growing up in a clean house did make me want to have a clean, well kept house as an adult.  I guess I learned more by her modeling.

 

So, I've never been really strict on DD with chores.  She has always been a high maintenance, emotional, easily overwhelmed kid.  If there is too much going on in a day, she gets very stressed and needs "down time".   :001_rolleyes:  I get that, I'm like that too, so I have tended to let her get away with a lot of down time!

 

The past few days, I have been sick with the stomach flu.  DH is out of town working, so it has just been me and DD.  I was trying to stay in the bedroom to not spread the virus.  She was bringing me drinks, ice, toast.  That was all day Monday.  By Monday night, she was totally stressed out.  There were dishes everywhere, she needed to load the dishwasher!  The cats needed to be fed!  She went to bed that night leaving every light in the house on.  She did not even do any school that day.  All she did was wait on me a bit.  Aye. 

 

Now that I am feeling better, I am seriously concerned about her ability to function if she is overwhelmed by being in charge of the household for two freakin' days.  This really struck home to me that I have not had her take a large enough part in the household.  This is definitely my fault.  She is overall a good kid, we have a good relationship, but now we're talking about ingrained habits in an almost adult.

 

Is it too late to try to teach a 17 yo to be more responsible this way?  How do I go about this?  My normal method would be to go all drill sargeant and try to give her a huge list of things to do every day.  But, as I mentioned, she doesn't handle stress well and that would probably just create a giant power struggle of her not wanting to do it and me trying to force her to do it.  How can I approach this at a teenage level that will be successful?

 

ETA, she also has ADD.

 

 

Not at all too late!

 

Gradual teaching of what she needs to know how to do. She can't suddenly know it all and do it without incremental steps and teaching any more than she could be expected to start math with calculus if she never learned earlier steps.

 

Checklists for her, and helping her to figure out how to make checklists, plans and so on. I agree with working together, partly to make it more enjoyable, but equally because she probably does not actually know how to "clean your room" if you have not actively taught her.

 

Very important lifeskills. Some people learn by osmosis and watching another, but many need explicit teaching--assume your dd is in the latter category. Plus ADD will make it harder.

 

After that experience I would guess that she is also worried. 

[goldberry]

I have to tomato stake my distracted kid else he forgets what he was suppose to be doing :)

 

At 17 though??

[Arcadia]

At 17 though??

I had to do that for my younger brother even at that age or he might not get his diploma at 19. He was much better after 25. Some people take longer for executive function skills and brains mature at 25.

[Sarah CB]

Here's some irony for you - my eldest was not great around the house.  She was a fantastic cook, but I would sometimes rewash her dishes and my kitchen aid was always covered in whatever she had made in it.  Her room was often scary messy.  Sometimes dishes would disappear in there.  She did have regular chores and was ok at completing them - I remember in particular that she was pretty good at bathrooms.  

 

She's been out on her own for a few years now.  Her biggest complaint about her current roommates is how messy they are - they leave dishes in the sink!  Sometimes, they leave dishes in their rooms!  They leave their stuff out everywhere!  

 

She's in university and has just applied for a summer job - cleaning houses!  Ha! 

[shawthorne44]

You might read this book.  I really enjoyed it.   She did one major chore category with her kids each month.  

 

http://www.amazon.com/Cleaning-House-Twelve-Month-Experiment-Entitlement/dp/0307730670/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1458247006&sr=8-3&keywords=entitled+kids

Edited March 17, 2016 by shawthorne44

[Guest]

Well, this may not be the most helpful post, but I just wanted to assure you that being a mom who runs a pretty tight ship does not necessarily translate to kids who fall in with no problem when I am not available. I remember a year or two ago, I had the flu and was bed-bound for a couple of days. One morning, I stumbled down to the kitchen thinking maybe I could get going and the kitchen looked like a freakin hurricane had struck! My husband and all three kids (TWO teens), who know how to clean and have had responsibilities since toddlerhood, who know how I like to keep things in order and NONE of them had stepped up to do even the most basic of kitchen cleanup. Every dish we owned was in the sink or dirty in the dishwasher! I seriously went BALLISTIC! I was so totally pissed. I definitely yelled through my swollen throat that I had the most inconsiderate and lazy family on the face of the earth.

 

So...just sayin. Even moms who have high standards can have it all go to heck.

[OnMyOwn]

 

Something I was reading on another site, about kids who didn't have to do chores, it just really got me thinking.

My parents made me do very little work around the house. Even then, I was usually able to get out of doing it. The consequences are the following:

• College was a rude awakening. All of a sudden I had roommates yelling at me about being a slob, laundry piled up, dirty dishes stinking up the whole apartment and no idea what I was doing wrong. Sharing a room with me was miserable for my first roommate with my clothes strewn all over the place and unwashed bowls and cups everywhere. I cringe just remembering how ignorant I was. It was a harsh and steep learning curve for me to realize I was now responsible for everything I did and I didn't have mom and dad to help. I really wish I had been prepared before.
• A life long hatred of chores and an innate sense of "this isn't my job".Starting chores at 18 is way too late. Even as a 27 year old now married with a child, chores are almost intolerable for me. I hate cooking and cleaning and doing errands with a passion. It was never in built in my character and I wish my parents had made it a part of my life earlier so that it would seem routine to me now.
• Uncomfortable helping in someone else's house. When I go to my in-laws house or even a friend's place I am uncomfortable in the kitchen or volunteering to help out. My entire childhood consisted of me sitting in the kitchen talking to my parents while they ran around and did everything and it takes a good deal of conscious effort to overcome that. I am sure I have come across as rude or unhelpful many times in my life and have had to work very hard to move past my ignorance.
• Super conscious of how I raise my son. Having been through this process I make my son do chores even at the age of 2. I will never coddle him in the way I was and have him struggle later on. While my parents did it out of pure love and a desire for me to experience a childhood they didn't, I think I would be a far better person if I had been less selfish early on.

And...

The worst outcome is that your child does not learn that it takes a certain amount of repetitive, possibly boring work to get through life.

Yes, but when her 2 year old son grows up, he'll probably write a blog post complaining about how his parents never nurtured him or made him feel taken care of and that they put him under tremendous stress making him do all kinds of chores when he had hours of schoolwork to do and that they never helped him when he needed it. He'll write that chores can be easily learned later in life, but that nurturing your relationship with your children is more important, so he's not going to have his children do chores. Lol!

[Scarlett]

I have to tomato stake my distracted kid else he forgets what he was suppose to be doing :)

I do this for my ds16 sometimes. If I am careful not to let it be punishment it works. I just go from chore to chore and have him help me. It gets the work done but I don't know if he is learning or if he is just on auto pilot.

[goldberry]

Well, this may not be the most helpful post, but I just wanted to assure you that being a mom who runs a pretty tight ship does not necessarily translate to kids who fall in with no problem when I am not available. I remember a year or two ago, I had the flu and was bed-bound for a couple of days. One morning, I stumbled down to the kitchen thinking maybe I could get going and the kitchen looked like a freakin hurricane had struck! My husband and all three kids (TWO teens), who know how to clean and have had responsibilities since toddlerhood, who know how I like to keep things in order and NONE of them had stepped up to do even the most basic of kitchen cleanup. Every dish we owned was in the sink or dirty in the dishwasher! I seriously went BALLISTIC! I was so totally pissed. I definitely yelled through my swollen throat that I had the most inconsiderate and lazy family on the face of the earth.

 

So...just sayin. Even moms who have high standards can have it all go to heck.

 

I hope they were all suitably remorseful!

[Guest]

Yes, but when her 2 year old son grows up, he'll probably write a blog post complaining about how his parents never nurtured him or made him feel taken care of and that they put him under tremendous stress making him do all kinds of chores when he had hours of schoolwork to do and that they never helped him when he needed it. He'll write that chores can be easily learned later in life, but that nurturing your relationship with your children is more important, so he's not going to have his children do chores. Lol!

An entirely possible outcome!

[Murphy101]

I have been gosh awful sick all week with a stomach bug. I've quarantined myself in my bedroom.

 

I've sent reminders to do chores and such but in sure it's not the same as if I was out there inspecting and seeing it get done.

 

But they are surviving just fine. People are getting their own rides as necessary and getting food when it runs out and no animal or child has starved. I think the little ones are even fairly clean.

 

My big complaint is I stepped out to the living room and apparently the English mastiff got wet outside and then made herself comfy in the living room. Gah. The smell is horrific. Some nasty combo of wet dog the size of a pony and an aged locker room. I stepped right back into my room and yelled at her owner, ds18, to clean the dog and the carpet pronto. I'm pretty sure he just drove to the store and bought febreeze. *sigh*

 

Would I pay for this kind of housekeeping?

 

No.

 

It's hard to breed good help. God knows I've tried.

 

But it's different when it's their own place. I hope.

 

I was a total pig before marriage and kids. Not at all now.

[Murphy101]

Well, this may not be the most helpful post, but I just wanted to assure you that being a mom who runs a pretty tight ship does not necessarily translate to kids who fall in with no problem when I am not available. I remember a year or two ago, I had the flu and was bed-bound for a couple of days. One morning, I stumbled down to the kitchen thinking maybe I could get going and the kitchen looked like a freakin hurricane had struck! My husband and all three kids (TWO teens), who know how to clean and have had responsibilities since toddlerhood, who know how I like to keep things in order and NONE of them had stepped up to do even the most basic of kitchen cleanup. Every dish we owned was in the sink or dirty in the dishwasher! I seriously went BALLISTIC! I was so totally pissed. I definitely yelled through my swollen throat that I had the most inconsiderate and lazy family on the face of the earth.

 

So...just sayin. Even moms who have high standards can have it all go to heck.

Lol yeah. The living room is right outside my bedroom door. I refuse to venture further. Dh is coming home tonight and has promised to whip everything into shape.