Did you make life-shaping decisions based on dogma that you no longer adhere to?

[Janie Grace]

A couple of comments resurrected FB thread have made me think about this. The comments refer to decisions people made while they were young and were Christians (go into ministry instead of a more lucrative career, remain a virgin until marriage, etc) that they now regret. They made me wonder how common this is. I actually suspect that even if you don't change religion completely, it's pretty common to evolve in your interpretation or application of your faith and end up thinking "I would have done that differently" if you could redo your 20's. 

 

I definitely had a bias against wealth -- I thought it was worldly to consider financial security. I was actively looking for a spouse who felt called to ministry, as I thought other professions were less spiritual and were even a waste of one's time on earth. I thought birth control was wrong (only God should decide family size, who are we to interfere?). After college, I was taught (and believed) that a woman's greatest calling is helping a man and that she should do so behind the scenes, serving and submitting. 

 

I don't believe any of these things anymore. I don't regret marrying dh nor do I regret our family size (we did transition away from the quiverfull mentality pretty early on, so we don't have an overwhelming number of kids). I am still a Christian. But I do regret early marriage patterns that we developed and the way that dynamic impacted my self-image. I also regret my self-righteousness about ministry vs. "secular" professions and am advising my kids to pursue careers that fit their gifts and interests (rather than the John Piper "go to the mission field unless you know you're called to stay" mantra I heard growing up). I think I'm still wrestling with reconciling my old self (who was the one who set my life's trajectory) with my new self.

 

What about you? Have you changed in your beliefs? How have you processed the big life choices you made while young that were based on convictions you no longer hold? 

 

 

[Rebel Yell]

Oh my yes.

 

I am still a Christian. But DH & I were not "saved" until 1997. At in independent Baptist church, and I was new to homeschooling- the homeschoolers there probably were not full IBLP families, but much of their beliefs and practices were heavily influenced by them.

 

I deeply regret the girls early years in churches and homeschool groups that preached "modesty" and "purity." It has been incredibly damaging to them.

 

But even more than that, I regret believing that the husband was the only one worthy and capable of making decisions. DH is a WONDERFUL man with a mile-long list of great qualities, and is a great balance to all of my weaknesses, but he is *not* the math mind, or the long-range planner. So we have spent the past 22 years drifting aimlessly. Not bad, not in a downward spiral, but just drifting along. Maybe after more coffee I can explain it better... but I'll give a pathetic attempt now... We just keep doing the next thing, with no real plans or goals.  I wish I had been more willing to take a lead-type role in setting the direction our family and finances would go in.

[shinyhappypeople]

Of course.  I am forever learning, changing, and growing. 

 

I have many regrets (thankfully my marriage or children are not among them).  Besides my student loans (ugh!!!!), and former political affiliation (bless my heart), most of my regrets relate to how I treated or thought about other people.

 

I mostly regret my self-righteousness and lack of empathy, even though I assumed I was so caring.  In fairness, I was caring to a degree.  But I had this attitude of how much more caring I was than those other people who think/vote/prioritize differently, and it makes me cringe.  I knew it all... until I didn't.  I started meeting more people outside my circle who defied expectations.  I've gotten better at not making assumptions about people.  It's a work in progress, but even still I have to consciously remind myself, "She just might surprise you." and "Maybe there's more to the story than you know."    I've gotten better at not assuming someone is all/mostly good or bad.  People are complex.  I've gotten better at forgiving others and myself.

 

"You do what you know.  When you know better, you do better."  (paraphrased from Maya Angelou)

[Janie Grace]

"You do what you know.  When you know better, you do better."  (paraphrased from Maya Angelou)

 

Wow, I love this. 

[Liz CA]

I think this is part of a normal growth process. We are looking for a road map, we follow what we think is the map until we realize that in several instances there is more than one way to the goal.

In early adulthood I attended a lot of Bible Studies, some were good, some had nuggets of wisdom and truth, others represented bad teaching. Thankfully, it has become easier with the years to separate the good from the bad. Discernment is probably the most valuable skill I have learned and am still learning.

[Carol in Cal.]

One teaching I wish that I had run across sooner was the idea that babies are a blessing from God, as opposed to a (fairly risky) choice.

 

The culture taught me that babies are inevitably bad for women--they trap them, stall or tank their careers, prevent them from achieving independence, sentence them to a miserable life of drudgery, hold them back or even wreck them financially, and make them dangerously vulnerable to men's whims.  Now, you can make a case for all of this cautionary stuff, but what I truly honestly never heard until I was in my thirties was the other side, and for some reason I didn't figure it out on my own.  Deep in my heart I always hoped to have a child or two, but I was taught to fear this to an extent that was really quite ridiculous.

 

I regret that I didn't see this sooner, and start trying to have children sooner.  That is the biggest thing that has changed for me in terms of Bible teaching that I got later on.

[JumpyTheFrog]

The culture taught me that babies are inevitably bad for women--they trap them, stall or tank their careers, prevent them from achieving independence, sentence them to a miserable life of drudgery, hold them back or even wreck them financially, and make them dangerously vulnerable to men's whims.

I know too many people who believe and indoctrinate their kids in the complete opposite of this. Some of them read a magazine that praises women with cancer for avoiding contraception and getting pregnant while having cancer. There are people out there who take the "babies are always a blessing" thing so far that if there were a moon colony that could only feed (and have air for) a certain number of people, they'd still say that limiting the number of kids you have is immoral.

 

I just post this a warning to not let the pendulum swing to the polar opposite of how you were raised. Both ends of the spectrum have big blind spots.

[Amy in NH]

One teaching I wish that I had run across sooner was the idea that babies are a blessing from God, as opposed to a (fairly risky) choice.

 

The culture taught me that babies are inevitably bad for women--they trap them, stall or tank their careers, prevent them from achieving independence, sentence them to a miserable life of drudgery, hold them back or even wreck them financially, and make them dangerously vulnerable to men's whims.  Now, you can make a case for all of this cautionary stuff, but what I truly honestly never heard until I was in my thirties was the other side, and for some reason I didn't figure it out on my own.  Deep in my heart I always hoped to have a child or two, but I was taught to fear this to an extent that was really quite ridiculous.

 

I regret that I didn't see this sooner, and start trying to have children sooner.  That is the biggest thing that has changed for me in terms of Bible teaching that I got later on.

 

I think I could honestly say I know people for whom one or another of these has been true; it's not to say they don't love their children, just that having the responsibility of caring for children has limited them in many ways.  That is the nature of parenting.  The idea that "they are a blessing from God" doesn't lessen the downsides.  Are women supposed to also feel grateful to God that caring for their blessed children leads to a difficult life?  And if society truly felt that children were blessings from God, wouldn't they do everything in their power to support all mothers in raising those children?  But that's not the case with any of the public policy I've seen put forth by politicians who claim to hold the "blessing from God" stance.  I guess I just don't buy it.

[Bluegoat]

I don't know that I have any of a religious or spiritual nature that stand out as really different.  There are some differences from what I was taught growing up, but they aren't things I made significant life decisions on the basis of.  I've changed my views in the sense I think that they've deepened in many ways, but that strikes me as being mostly about age.

 

One thing though is that I might in retrospect have been a little more practical about job or career training.  That wasn't directly a spiritual choice, but indirectly it probably was.  And I can't really fault it as it has directed my life path pretty significantly, it's probably on par with my marriage as far as that goes.

 

But I was probably a little too blase about thinking how I might earn a living, and while I got a diploma to that end after my degree, it wasn't a great choice in some ways either.  But - I'm not sure if I had the life experience to make a better one at that point.

[Tsuga]

A couple of comments resurrected FB thread have made me think about this. The comments refer to decisions people made while they were young and were Christians (go into ministry instead of a more lucrative career, remain a virgin until marriage, etc) that they now regret. 

 

Yes. I regret choosing public service as a career (I would have chosen something more lucrative) and I regret saving my virginity until marriage. I believe remaining a virgin led me to make marriage choices out of what I did not realize was desperation.

 

Looking back, I had a lot of really nice guys (whom I know now and yes, they are truly great people) offer to date me but I said no, because I knew they weren't Christians. Of course, now I have my own kids, and I wouldn't trade them for other kids... but it's hard.

 

As for my career, I'd give anything to go back and go into the private sector. I am so sick of being a professional beggar on behalf of the state. All I do is write reports to prove we're doing something useful with the money and then listen to people saying that our reports are a waste of time and proof that charity is wasteful. I put up with it out of virtue as a Christian but now I feel like... screw all those people, I want a nice house for my kids.

 

I now believe that my number one duty is to provide for my family, not to sacrifice myself for others. I thought that society would take care of us, but they view women and children as a burden (and as for the men... I believed them that if you worked hard, he'd stay, which just isn't true, we see even on this board women who've given their entire LIVES to a man then get caught in the trap of only having him to support them, and he leaves!)

 

Re: Children: Oddly, kids, while it might not have been a good choice for me career-wise, had nothing to do with my religion. It was my thought that biologically this was a now-or-never thing! Even though I am not a very good mom, I don't regret having them when I did. That was soviet propaganda: "Have Your First Baby Before 30!" More and more statistics are bearing this out as a good choice health-wise. So I don't regret that. I know many who tried to have children later and it was very hard for them and yes, on average, the kids are more likely to have problems--though of course, no guarantees in life and every kid is a blessing, I know that most of us, if we could do something to reduce the odds of difficulty for our kids, we would. Knowledge is power in that area. American women have been fed some bad information in that respect, that they can wait with few consequences. But the consequences of waiting can be huge.

[Bluegoat]

I think I could honestly say I know people for whom one or another of these has been true; it's not to say they don't love their children, just that having the responsibility of caring for children has limited them in many ways.  That is the nature of parenting.  The idea that "they are a blessing from God" doesn't lessen the downsides.  Are women supposed to also feel grateful to God that caring for their blessed children leads to a difficult life?  And if society truly felt that children were blessings from God, wouldn't they do everything in their power to support all mothers in raising those children?  But that's not the case with any of the public policy I've seen put forth by politicians who claim to hold the "blessing from God" stance.  I guess I just don't buy it.

 

I was exposed to that idea growing up, and it definitely impacted me. My mom likes kids, and had three of her own, but I worried that she was going to be negative every time I was pregnant.  She actually said "oh no" on two occasions. I think she largely inherited the attitude from her mother, who has rather a difficult time in her role.

 

I don't think seeing children as a blessing is incompatible with the idea that children can be limiting.  Lots of choices, or even accidents of life,  are limiting, but people don't treat them that way so much.  Deciding to be a lawyer can require a particular sort of work life that has significant trade-offs, but when a woman says she is going to be a lawyer, you don't get quite the same attitude about it.  People might point out that it will be a lot of work, and demand a lot of time.  But usually they think it is a fine ambition, and they may even avoid pointing out the effect it might have on family choices.  Whereas with kids, especially if the parents are younger, often the impression is that it is mainly going to be a burden.

 

[Carol in Cal.]

I was exposed to that idea growing up, and it definitely impacted me. My mom likes kids, and had three of her own, but I worried that she was going to be negative every time I was pregnant.  She actually said "oh no" on two occasions. I think she largely inherited the attitude from her mother, who has rather a difficult time in her role.

 

I don't think seeing children as a blessing is incompatible with the idea that children can be limiting.  Lots of choices, or even accidents of life,  are limiting, but people don't treat them that way so much.  Deciding to be a lawyer can require a particular sort of work life that has significant trade-offs, but when a woman says she is going to be a lawyer, you don't get quite the same attitude about it.  People might point out that it will be a lot of work, and demand a lot of time.  But usually they think it is a fine ambition, and they may even avoid pointing out the effect it might have on family choices.  Whereas with kids, especially if the parents are younger, often the impression is that it is mainly going to be a burden.

 

My point was that the church did not teach me that babies are a blessing.

 

Instead it reflected only the negative about them to the extent that it taught about having children at all.

 

I agree that the idea that babies are a blessing can be taken too far; you will see me thundering about that here and there throughout this website, LOL, but to have a completely onesided, negative view, and to feel vaguely sheepish about still, deep down, wanting a child is distorted also.

[gardenmom5]

I regret the unhealthy influence of my mother's hedonistic liberal lifestyle. There are things I would have done differently.

[Bluegoat]

My point was that the church did not teach me that babies are a blessing.

 

Instead it reflected only the negative about them to the extent that it taught about having children at all.

 

I agree that the idea that babies are a blessing can be taken too far; you will see me thundering about that here and there throughout this website, LOL, but to have a completely onesided, negative view, and to feel vaguely sheepish about still, deep down, wanting a child is distorted also.

 

Yes, that is what I took from your post.

 

I don't think I ever heard that in a church setting, but I think it isn't uncommon in our culture.

 

My feeling is that sometimes it relates to people's specific experiences, and other times to a sense of children as a sort of luxery product or hobby.

[Liz CA]

Carol in Cal, I can relate somewhat. I was taught to pursue academics, a career and then - and only after all that, perhaps a family. Church was silent on the subject as I remember it (they may have had plenty to say but I do not recall as a young adult hearing anything that influenced me on this topic) but my upbringing, society and to some degree my own mother all implied that the first and foremost concern is an education. And once you have an education you are of course expected to use it.

 

I am still very much advocating education for all - all kinds of education, not just college but certainly college for those who have the aptitude. But if I had daughters, I think I would have wanted to communicate that you can get your degree(s), be a mother and then still continue on a career path after the children are grown.

[Sarah CB]

I was a strong atheist as a teen.  I believed that we were only here for one life and that we shouldn't waste it.  Even sleeping felt like a waste of time - why would I spend 1/3 of my life asleep?  My friends and I wanted to have fun and not be hindered by adults or rules or anything else.  I deeply regret many of the things I chose to do for fun during those years.

[Anne in CA]

I don't know if women win on wait to have a family/ have one right away. I know too many women who had careers and waited to have children and then had trouble having children, and had trouble dealing with energetic young children when they were older/ more tired/ had a high pressure job. But I know young mothers with no education trying to get by when they need to work for some reason.

 

My mom was uber liberal and she really made me feel badly for wanting a family. She felt having a family had been a big waste of her time. I did make bad decisions based on her liberal parenting that I would do over if I could, but there is no help for it now.

[lllll]

nm

[Southern Ivy]

I regret that the only motherhood mentality I was exposed to was that the best mom is the one who stays home with her kids. 
Which, now that I think about it, is odd. We had a private school that quite a few of the moms taught in; but they were ok, I guess, because they were still there with their kids. Either way, I intended to stay home with my kids; but due to finances, I have had to work. My pregnancy and the 1st year of my dd's life is marked with a lot of sorrow, regret, and frustration that I had to work. I feel like I missed out on a lot of the joy because it took me that long to mentally/emotionally break from those mental binds. 
It helped, some, that my mom was NOT one of the ones who supported the "best mom is the SAHM" ideology. So, she helped talk me through a lot. 

I also swallowed a lot of junk about how a husband should be and act. This was all based on two authors who were popular in my little group; just man's opinion, nothing more. I made our marriage miserable those first few years because I resented him for not living up to what that couple said he should be. I'm just glad I was able to fix myself before it was too late. 

ETA: My mom did not promote the motherhood mentality, but it was so prevalent in the church that I guess I just absorbed it via sermons. My mom taught at the school and had other part-time jobs throughout my life, but she was still home. Even now she says she needed that outlet instead of being home all day. 

[goldberry]

I chose not to go to college, even though I loved school and really wanted to go, because it was "pursuing worldly goals".  I don't believe that any more.

 

I still believe it is a mistake to put all your trust and security in material things (education or money) but think you can still go to college and maintain that balance.  Particularly depending on the reason you want to go in the first place.

 

 

[Chris in VA]

CC

 

While I am still in the "remain a virgin until married" camp, I regret that I somehow internalized the message to such an extent that the failure to do so impacted me negatively for years and years--the guilt and shame was way out of proportion. I now know why--because I did not also receive the message of grace that comes from knowing God is eager to forgive the repentent, and can fully restore one's soul to wholeness, even if/while the physical consequences remain. IOW, I connected my worth to my behavior, instead of to God's love for me.

I am trying not to make that mistake with dd.

 

YMMV and probably does.

 

 

[Farrar]

Not out of religious reasons, but I definitely felt it was wrong to think practically about making money when I was younger. I thought it was a higher ideal to pursue learning for learning's sake. Wow was that stupid.

 

Most of the things I look back on and roll my eyes about though didn't impact my long term life so much. Like, I was a vegetarian for many years. I don't believe in the things that led me to that anymore. But I don't think it hurt me to not eat meat for a long time.

[Southern Ivy]

CC

 

While I am still in the "remain a virgin until married" camp, I regret that I somehow internalized the message to such an extent that the failure to do so impacted me negatively for years and years--the guilt and shame was way out of proportion. I now know why--because I did not also receive the message of grace that comes from knowing God is eager to forgive the repentent, and can fully restore one's soul to wholeness, even if/while the physical consequences remain. IOW, I connected my worth to my behavior, instead of to God's love for me.

I am trying not to make that mistake with dd.

 

YMMV and probably does.

 

 

I did not post about this because I didn't have the words. You expressed this beautifully. 

[pehp]

In one way I did.  I decided to attend law school simply because it seemed like the logical next step in the progression of my life, and I knew my parents approved of it.  I am torn on whether that was a good choice.  I didn't graduate with any debt, and may one day go back to the practice of law, but certainly do not miss it a bit. 

 

I am not sure it was 'dogma' that led me to it, but I was raised by a father who firmly believed women should work for a living and specifically believed that due to my intelligence I should either attend medical or law school (I toyed with both).  He pushed and encouraged me a lot when I was young. My mother was more flexible on this point (mostly b/c I think she sometimes wished she could stay home, but never articulated it, although she encouraged me to attend law or medical school as well), and fulfilling that parental expectation was important to me when I was in my early 20s.   My dad now accepts my role, because he sees what joy I derive from it and he appreciates the way we are raising our children.  I'm grateful for that.  

[Hikin' Mama]

No. I made life shaping decisions without thinking them through due to stupidity and immaturity. I learned from my mistakes, however, and am content at this point. It's nice to be able to look back and be thankful that I am now wiser. Growth is sometimes painful, but good, and part of a healthy life.

 

ETA: My parents can take no blame in my decisions. They were and are wonderful parents! I take full responsibility for my decisions and often wonder, when I hear what others had to deal with growing up, why I didn't do some things differently given the fact that my parents were so solid. They provided a wonderful example of grace to me, though, which came in handy when my kids didn't choose perfectly. I've tried to be the same gracious parent that they were to me.

[birchbark]

Sigh. Courtship. The conservative, hands-off, hoop-jumping, high-pressure, daddy-dictating type. I don't regret purity at all but there definitely is a ditch. Our courtship negatively affected the first few years of marriage.

[Melissa in Australia]

I was very devout. I was taught that pursuing education and employment were being very worldly instead I should be devoting my life to God. I left school after year 10 so I could spend more time in active service of God.

 

 

I have since then studied and got a Bachelor of Education. this was a HUGE thing for me mentally- to get over my early brainwashing - that higher study is inherently a bad thing.

[LMD]

Not spiritual, but I swallowed whole that I was a 'humanities' student, a typical girl. I never took much science and only a little further maths. Whilst I was good at LA, I was really good at math dang it! I Wish one person had encouraged that strength. I would have been happy to study finance or accounting and it would have set us up better. Instead I faffed around in an arts degree that I never finished and rarely use.

[creekland]

Not religious issues, but being raised with a dad who has mental illnesses has left me with a lot I'm still working to overcome.  I only started to realize I had things to overcome when I was in an Abnormal Psych class in college and was mystified to read about "my dad."  When one is young, they believe what they are brought up with.

 

Religious values-wise, I don't think there's much I've changed.  I've gotten deeper in my beliefs (esp why I believe what I do) and really appreciate that hubby and I have only been with each other.  He's a terrific guy (he cleaned the kitchen - unasked - yesterday since my mom is coming today and he knew I'd be at school forever getting grades done)!  But religious values-wise I've never been in the camp that women need to be subservient to guys or SAHM or wear certain clothes or whatever.  

 

And as for "scoring" with hubby... that, to me, was pure luck from our human perspective.  I had no clue what I was doing back in my dating days.  I didn't even pick him to be honest.  He fell in love with me and kept at it. (I'd have tossed him after our first date.) Since he had $$ (and I didn't), I kept going out with him (restaurant food trumped dining hall food and he had money to travel).  While I didn't marry for the money, it sure worked to help me fall in love!  Since then we've traveled life together through its highs and lows.  Definitely no regrets.

 

Oh... we had our kids young too (<30 years old).  Definitely no regrets there either.  We enjoyed doing so much with them when we were young enough to still do so much with them and we're enjoying empty nesting now when we're still young enough to do that too.

[DawnM]

It is interesting to me how some of us grew up so conservative and legalistic, and yet the legalism was opposite viewpoints!

 

In my family, education was glorified.  You must go to college, you must pursue a career, and you must use the talents that God gave you to serve others.  A career in something of service was lauded as the highest form of work. 

 

I thought I would be a nurse.  I watched surgery from a very young age, grew up in a  medical family on the mission field, and thought I would return.  

 

My wake up call for not going into nursing came in 10th grade when I just about failed Chemistry.   :lol:

 

But I went into education.  I don't regret it, but I did feel like that would be more "valuable" of a service to the Lord than say, finance.  And I did not become a missionary.  I broke the chain.  My great-grandparents, my grandparents, and my parents were all missionaries.  I am an only child.  It was somewhat expected.  

 

 

[DawnM]

being raised with a dad who has mental illnesses has left me with a lot I'm still working to overcome.  I only started to realize I had things to overcome when I was in an Abnormal Psych class in college and was mystified to read about "my dad."  When one is young, they believe what they are brought up with.

 

 

 

I was in my 30s before I realized that my mom's issues were not my fault.  She blamed me a lot.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  She has mental issues, for which she has not really sought help for.  Occasionally she would see someone for a brief time but then there was always something wrong with the psychologist, so she would stop going.    

 

I could write a volume, but I won't.   It really has affected me though the years.  

[Pam in CT]

This is a great thread.

 

Love that Maya Angelou quote upthread:

 

 

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.†

― Maya Angelou

 

This pretty much captures it for me.  I definitely made mistakes, based on values I thought were important at the time... but my mistakes have forged me too; I wouldn't be myself without the (slow-gestating, true   :001_rolleyes: ) gifts that I ultimately found in them.  Now that I know better, I do better.  Part of doing better is trusting that mistakes have embedded gifts as well.  Now that my kids are adolescents, I'm looking at this insight from a different lens.

 

 

When I looked up the Angelou quote, I found another one that also encapsulates some of my, er, life lessons:

 

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.†

― Maya Angelou

 

 

[creekland]

I was in my 30s before I realized that my mom's issues were not my fault.  She blamed me a lot.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  She has mental issues, for which she has not really sought help for.  Occasionally she would see someone for a brief time but then there was always something wrong with the psychologist, so she would stop going.    

 

I could write a volume, but I won't.   It really has affected me though the years.  

 

I totally get it... 

[Garga]

I'm pretty sure that everyone has made mistakes in her life. Things that she looks back on and regrets or would have done differently. Things she believed and then changed her mind about.

 

The OP asked what regrets were due to dogma that one believed in the past and has since rejected. Hmm...that's a hard question.

 

I was raised in a church with very black and white thinking. This is bad, that is good. There is no grey.

 

I can't recall specifics right now, but I went from seeing everything (and everyone) in black and white to seeing everything in shades of grey. Some of my church friends are still in the black/white camp and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to maintain friendships with them. I see them as judgemental and they see me as lacking committment. This has happened gradually over the past decade and I've slowly started finding friends who are more like the new me.

 

I'm not sure that much else has changed, but I'm also a little fuzzy on exactly what dogma is.

[mamiof5]

Definitely yes. I grew up raised Catholic, but not with a very strong faith. Also grew up in a one parent household, was never exposed to a mom and dad environment. Grew up to be a very selfish teenager/young adult, made many mistakes which I'd rather not look back at. Didn't know a thing about God, chastity, purity, respect to myself and others, Scripture, or my faith. Thank goodness I have grown personally, my relationship and connection with God has changed so much (for the better), this growth had strongly impacted my marriage, my kids, my friendships and overall who I am. There is always room for growth and change of course, but I am very content with were I am in my life right now, and I trust the Lord will keep guiding me in the path He wants me to follow.

[Bluegoat]

I'm pretty sure that everyone has made mistakes in her life. Things that she looks back on and regrets or would have done differently. Things she believed and then changed her mind about.

 

The OP asked what regrets were due to dogma that one believed in the past and has since rejected. Hmm...that's a hard question.

 

I was raised in a church with very black and white thinking. This is bad, that is good. There is no grey.

 

I can't recall specifics right now, but I went from seeing everything (and everyone) in black and white to seeing everything in shades of grey. Some of my church friends are still in the black/white camp and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to maintain friendships with them. I see them as judgemental and they see me as lacking committment. This has happened gradually over the past decade and I've slowly started finding friends who are more like the new me.

 

I'm not sure that much else has changed, but I'm also a little fuzzy on exactly what dogma is.

 

Generally it means a set of first principles in a system of thought.  In some cases, for example in Catholicism, it has a more refined meaning, but it is still similar. 

 

But I think the sense here is not little details so much as more fundamental beliefs that have changed.

 

[Pam in CT]

I'm pretty sure that everyone has made mistakes in her life. Things that she looks back on and regrets or would have done differently. Things she believed and then changed her mind about.

 

The OP asked what regrets were due to dogma that one believed in the past and has since rejected. Hmm...that's a hard question. ...

 

 

I'm not sure that much else has changed, but I'm also a little fuzzy on exactly what dogma is.

 

Yeah, me too.  Is it only / exclusively / necessarily rooted in religion?  Or any strongly held black-and-white value system?  

 

 

Forex, some of the pp spoke to feeling bound to a certain definition of appropriate women's roles (whether religiously or feminist-ly based) or a by a particular value of education and/or money (whether religiously or autonomously based).  Do only the perspectives arising out of religion count as "dogma"?  

 

 

(I know the original derivation of the etymology.  My question is, for the purpose of this discussion.)

[Guest]

For sure, I regret my college choice. I went to college to find a good Catholic husband (I did) not to have a career because women working was a sign that the husband didn't earn enough to support the family. "Did you hear about Sue? She had to take a job, poor thing. I hope their marriage will survive". My private college loans and the fact that I have zero marketable skills are mistakes I regret daily.

[bolt.]

As someone whose religious ideas have shifted substantially from the near-fundamentalist Christian world to the progressive-and-critical-thinking Christian world -- a shift that feels substantive to me... I'm surprised as I contemplate this question that I can't identify any actual decisions that I made 'then' that I regret now.

 

Pondering that now.

[Rebel Yell]

Sigh. Courtship. The conservative, hands-off, hoop-jumping, high-pressure, daddy-dictating type. I don't regret purity at all but there definitely is a ditch. Our courtship negatively affected the first few years of marriage.

 

Wishing there was an option to "agree" or "I support you" rather than "like" without clogging up the forum with hundreds of these: :grouphug: :iagree: ( I always hesitate to "like" posts like this...)

[Pam in CT]

I'd like an "You tell it, sister!" button, myself...

[Janie Grace]

    OP here. My computer's dictionary says that dogma means "a set of principles laid down by an authority as incontrovertibly true." That's what I mean. It doesn't have to be religious -- I was asking about ANY "truths" that you held as absolute and made decisions based upon. Thanks for all the replies so far; this has been really interesting. 

[BooksandBoys]

Yes, I did, but not I particularly obvious ways. It's more that the thought processes that were taught to me in my religious background continued to drive my decisions well after I stopped being religious.

[Lady Florida.]

No. I made life shaping decisions without thinking them through due to stupidity and immaturity. I learned from my mistakes, however, and am content at this point. It's nice to be able to look back and be thankful that I am now wiser. Growth is sometimes painful, but good, and part of a healthy life.

 

 

 

^^ This. ^^

 

We all make mistakes in life and there are some decisions we would change if we could. None of mine however, were related to dogma or any kind of religious beliefs/teachings. Also, none were so bad that I still regret them. Would I have made different choices if I knew where they'd lead? Probably. Possibly. Maybe. I don't know. Is my life negatively impacted because of choices I made in the past? No.

 

Even if it was, I believe in letting go of regrets (and grudges though that's a different subject), so I would not have let them interfere with who I am today and drag me down.

[FO4UR]

Yes.  Many.

 

Many of those are misinterpretations of the Bible.  

 

You can trust the Holy Spirit to change people if they profess to be Christians.  NOT!  Many profess Christianity in order to put themselves in a place of power and control in order to abuse.  You can never trust those people.  You can predict their actions based upon what will suit their desire and feed their ego, but you can never trust them.

 

 

 

 

One of the dogma I ate up was the idea that I must go to college, and it must be for a dependable career....but once a baby came, I need to drop my career and aspirations to support dh's.  I regret getting a degree in Music Ed rather than Music Performance.  I was pushed into the Ed part.  Performance was viewed as frivolous and risky...and only for the Super-Talented...umm...I now see that as it was intended.  I was shy, but quite talented and hard working.  I won a free ride, based on my vocal talent, for a Master's Degree.  I then gave that up b/c I bought into the lie that it would be better for our little family if I stayed home with our baby and finished my Master's after dh finished his.  It's been 6 years since he graduated. I do know that it was better for our children for me to be their primary caretaker, but that is b/c of a LACK in other areas and not necessarily b/c SAHM is always best.  The dogma and judgement came from so many directions in my 20s.  I'm digging out now.

 

 

I had people whisper thoughts into my life...you don't have to______ just b/c ______.  I appreciate them more than they will ever know now. 

 

 

I've really 2nd guessed HSing for a while.  Am I HSing as part of some dogmatic view of the world that is false?  Am I HSing b/c it's best for me?  Best for the kids?  Best for our family?  The better of 3 bad choices?  

 

 

[bibiche]

When I looked up the Angelou quote, I found another one that also encapsulates some of my, er, life lessons:

 

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.â€

― Maya Angelou

 

I like this one quite a lot and will definitely transmit it to DS.

 

As for the OP's question, no, happily I've never bought into dogma. Of course I have regrets about decisions I've made, but I can't really blame them on anything or anyone else, and I can't change the past, so I try not to dwell on regret. In the past I have, as has everyone at some point, I imagine, dwelled on regret. One of my regrets from that period is having spent so much time listening to this song!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gEsBpsQbVeE

[creekland]

I've really 2nd guessed HSing for a while.  Am I HSing as part of some dogmatic view of the world that is false?  Am I HSing b/c it's best for me?  Best for the kids?  Best for our family?  The better of 3 bad choices?  

 

I homeschooled because I wanted a better education for my kids - no dogma involved.

 

My Dad had (and still has) plenty of set in stone dogma of his own, some religiously based (even though he rarely attends church) and some "his type didn't make it into my psych book because the world tends to agree with him" based.

 

It's pretty easy for me to choose my own religious standards as I feel that's between me and God.  A fair bit is different from my dad.  It's tougher to give up the other stuff for some reason - no real clue why.  It should be easy.  Thinking back I have changed quite a bit though, so I guess it's all still a work in progress.

 

I think opening up the possibilities to teens - to see things and consider concepts they aren't exposed to - is THE main reason I like working in high school.  There's so much to learn.  Some of that is book based... but I seriously prefer taking the basics of the book to its real world level/application.  So much of school (if done incorrectly) reduces learning to homeWORK.  Learning should rarely be work - only when you need to learn the "language" of your subject.  Then you take that language and fly with it.

 

If I teach a dogma at all (maybe two) it's that learning about our world is exciting and we're social beings, make sure we keep remembering all that stuff we were supposed to learn in kindergarten about getting along.

[mamajag]

I regret a LOT of decisions I made that were shaped by my atheist world view. Everything from tattoos to the way I treated people of faith...pretty much everything except my husband and my kids.

[TranquilMind]

A couple of comments resurrected FB thread have made me think about this. The comments refer to decisions people made while they were young and were Christians (go into ministry instead of a more lucrative career, remain a virgin until marriage, etc) that they now regret. They made me wonder how common this is. I actually suspect that even if you don't change religion completely, it's pretty common to evolve in your interpretation or application of your faith and end up thinking "I would have done that differently" if you could redo your 20's. 

 

I definitely had a bias against wealth -- I thought it was worldly to consider financial security. I was actively looking for a spouse who felt called to ministry, as I thought other professions were less spiritual and were even a waste of one's time on earth. I thought birth control was wrong (only God should decide family size, who are we to interfere?). After college, I was taught (and believed) that a woman's greatest calling is helping a man and that she should do so behind the scenes, serving and submitting. 

 

I don't believe any of these things anymore. I don't regret marrying dh nor do I regret our family size (we did transition away from the quiverfull mentality pretty early on, so we don't have an overwhelming number of kids). I am still a Christian. But I do regret early marriage patterns that we developed and the way that dynamic impacted my self-image. I also regret my self-righteousness about ministry vs. "secular" professions and am advising my kids to pursue careers that fit their gifts and interests (rather than the John Piper "go to the mission field unless you know you're called to stay" mantra I heard growing up). I think I'm still wrestling with reconciling my old self (who was the one who set my life's trajectory) with my new self.

 

What about you? Have you changed in your beliefs? How have you processed the big life choices you made while young that were based on convictions you no longer hold? 

Nope.  I've always been a pragmatist and a believer.

 

I did what I did.  Would I make a few different choices now that I know things I didn't know in my 20's or 30's?  Sure.   Would I make a few different parenting decisions?  Absolutely!    But you know what you know when you know it.

 

I don't do guilt (unless I have sinned, and not knowing stuff is not a sin). 

 

I do practice and model forgiveness, so they forgive me for my mistakes too! 

 

I'm very content in life, though of course I would change a few things if I had the power.  You have to decide to be happy.