Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 If you had a teen in public high school and your teen wanted to go to homecoming with their boyfriend/girlfriend, but the other party couldn't pay for their part, WWYD as a parent? Both parents can afford to pay their child's part, but one set of parents are doing a natural consequence parenting of the teen and saying "your 16/17, you should get a job and pay for these things yourself". The teen is an 3 season athlete and really doesn't have time for a job with sports and school. If your teen wanted to go, and you weren't the natural consequences parent...Would you offer to pay for all of it, if it was important to your teen? The family can afford to do this, but they are not rich. This would include paying for at least part of the other teen's clothes, all of dinner, and both tickets, plus gas money etc. (Corsage is optional). Realistically it could be done for about $200 or less. This teen is not allowed to have a job during high school, so the parents expect that they will pay for all of their teen's expenses and are OK with paying for all of it, so their teen can go. Or would you expect traditional roles where each person pays for their own clothes, but tix and dinner are either boys treat or split up between them. Since this isn't going to happen.....This means that your child has to stay home for the night, when all of their circle of friends will be at the dance. Both teens want to go. They are very social in school groups, and it will be noticed if they don't go, especially since they are dating. (it isn't like they don't have someone to go with LOL) No in-betweens or alternate plans for this poll. 'Go without him/her', 'have him/her earn the money at the other parents house', etc are not options this time. It is all or nothing......WWYD? BTW: You have to answer both questions to vote. If if affects your vote at all....the girl is a cheerleader the boy is one of the quarterbacks....and this is the homecoming dance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I am fine with either (including parent) paying for tickets and dinner (I say do a dinner at home with friends to keep costs lower if $ is a problem), but parents/kids should pay for their own clothes. Does the boy not have a suit? He should have a sports coat and a pair of khakis. If not he should go to the thrift store and shop. I am sure he can cough up $20. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I am fine with either (including parent) paying for tickets and dinner (I say do a dinner at home with friends to keep costs lower if $ is a problem), but parents/kids should pay for their own clothes. Does the boy not have a suit? He should have a sports coat and a pair of khakis. If not he should go to the thrift store and shop. I am sure he can cough up $20. Nope this person doesn't even have $1 to their name. They have a driver's licence and a car, but the car doesn't even have enough gas to get to the service station. He/She is that broke. They even have to ride the bus to school, though he/she only lives a couple miles away. Parents won't even pay for gas to/from school or sports, despite the fact that they require he/she participate in sports. They say walk, bus or get a ride. Parents are drawing a firm line in the sand, and will pay for nothing elective for him/her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Nope this person doesn't even have $1 to their name. They have a driver's licence and a car, but the car doesn't even have enough gas to get to the service station. He/She is that broke. They even have to ride the bus to school, though he/she only lives a couple miles away. Parents won't even pay for gas to/from school or sports, despite the fact that they require he/she participate in sports. They say walk, bus or get a ride. Parents are drawing a firm line in the sand, and will pay for nothing elective for him/her. I cannot decide how to vote. Too bad there isn't a "those parents are douchebags" option. As you describe the situation, I would be inclined to pay entirely for the mate to go, but I would struggle with it big time. Buying the appropriate clothing (or renting, whatever) is very far out of the bounds from normal. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa B Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I would be fine with paying for both tickets and covering dinner and transportation. However, in my mind, the high school student that can not afford to pay for clothing should borrow from a friend, make arrangements with a second-hand store, ask another family member or find another original (legal) way of obtaining the proper clothing. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 So, if I understand correctly, the boy is required by his parents to play sports, which leaves him no time to earn money, and yet his parents will not provide him with spending money, I have to go with it is ok for the girl's family to pay, if the her family wants to. I think his parents are not realistic in their expectations, so I would want to help him out if I could. ETA - I'm not sure about the kids themselves paying, but ok for the parents to pay. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I voted that it was "okay" in either case, but buying clothes does seem a bit weird. If I knew the kid pretty well, over a long period of time, it would be less weird, I guess. My first instinct would be that someone in their or my social circle probably has clothes they can borrow, but yeah, in the end, I guess I would do it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Natural consequences for what? What did this kid do wrong? That would make a difference in my answer. If it's nothing more than "too busy with sports," I wouldn't pay because if he knew in advance that he wanted to attend the dance, he could have managed to scrape some cash together for it -- although I think his parents are being incredibly unfair if they are forcing him to play a sport when he would prefer to quit the sport and get a part time job. One thing, though -- how long have these teens been a couple? If they are serious about each other and I knew the boy to be a great (not lazy or entitled) kid, I would reconsider. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 edit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Father is a "I have worked full time since I was 14yo and went to school" type person. He says that the boy should be able to get a job and work enough to pay for gas and spending money. He considers homecoming a date...and boy should pay for his own dates. No spending money=natural consequences=no dates. Has the kid known this for a long time? If he has and he still hasn't gotten any kind of job, this is kind of his own fault. How does the kid's mom feel about it? Will she help him at all? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Natural consequences for what? What did this kid do wrong? That would make a difference in my answer. If it's nothing more than "too busy with sports," I wouldn't pay because if he knew in advance that he wanted to attend the dance, he could have managed to scrape some cash together for it -- although I think his parents are being incredibly unfair if they are forcing him to play a sport when he would prefer to quit the sport and get a part time job. One thing, though -- how long have these teens been a couple? If they are serious about each other and I knew the boy to be a great (not lazy or entitled) kid, I would reconsider. Father is a "I have worked full time since I was 14yo and went to school" type person. Mom is a step mom and stays out of it as far as I know. He says that the boy should be able to get a job and work enough to pay for gas and spending money. He considers homecoming a date...and boy should pay for his own dates. No spending money=natural consequences=no dates. They just started dating. I don't know how hard the boy tried to find work, but honestly it is hard to work when you have to be at football practice workouts M-F 2-5 all summer. Then daily doubles in part of August and then fall practice or games M-F nights. The family is hoping for football scholarships, so it is always the #1 focus. In our area it is very hard for a football player to have a job. Employers don't like to waste the time. They just get a summer employee trained and then lose them in the fall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm guessing this is your dd, so you can probably answer this -- how will she feels if you pay all that money and then the guy breaks up with her two days after the dance? I was hoping they were a longer-term couple. As it is, are you sure he isn't just using her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Since it is newly dating instead of long term childhood friends that became a couple, I would probably be able to find enough chores in my home for the guy to earn the money. For example paint my dining room walls or help my hubby to regrout the bathtub, tasks like that. Traditionally in my culture would have been the guy footing the whole bill including transport to and from the venue. If the guy isn't able to work and save the money, the guy's parents would have loan or gifted the money. My male cousins get dating allowances as teens because their parents don't want them to work and they aren't paid for chores. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I voted no on both counts and then I read the details. Um. Wow. I would probably pay for something like that, perhaps by offering the guy "a job" of some sort for the clothes money and make a mental note that the parents are wackadoos and to steer clear of them. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's a little outside my understanding that a kid could be without a decent enough outfit to attend a dance. I mean, if he plays football, do football and basketball teams not do the dress up on a game day thing anymore? Does this kid not have a button up shirt and pair of slacks for church or the like that can be dressed up? I think it's okay for you to spring for the clothes and I think the parents are being jerks not to be willing pay for their kids' basic clothing (I consider having one dress up outfit pretty basic)... I just think it's strange. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's a little outside my understanding that a kid could be without a decent enough outfit to attend a dance. I mean, if he plays football, do football and basketball teams not do the dress up on a game day thing anymore? Does this kid not have a button up shirt and pair of slacks for church or the like that can be dressed up? I think it's okay for you to spring for the clothes and I think the parents are being jerks not to be willing pay for their kids' basic clothing (I consider having one dress up outfit pretty basic)... I just think it's strange. I wonder about the clothing thing, as well. Also, how much money would the kid expect his girlfriend's parents to pay to buy him a new outfit? What if he gets all picky about it and wants expensive stuff? Honestly, I can't imagine my ds accepting something like that from someone else's parents. He would be mortified and embarrassed. I also have to admit that it would bug me that the boy didn't have enough personal pride to want to at least try to cover his own expenses. It seems very immature and tacky to allow his girlfriend's parents to pay all of the expenses when he is contributing nothing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'd be willing to treat for tickets and dinner and maybe even flowers, but I think this situation would be better all around if the young man comes up with his own clothes plus gas money if he's driving. Resourceful young people can pick up one-time jobs--mowing, pet sitting, etc. I don't know what's typical in your location, but here a pair of black dress pants, along with a shirt and tie that coordinates with the girl's dress is most common. Some guys wear jackets or suits, but not most. It doesn't have to be expensive unless you do like my kid and ask a girl the day before Homecoming. :svengo: They also usually eat at more casual places than prom to keep costs down, and a lot of families will cook a meal for a group of kids. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's a little outside my understanding that a kid could be without a decent enough outfit to attend a dance. I mean, if he plays football, do football and basketball teams not do the dress up on a game day thing anymore? Does this kid not have a button up shirt and pair of slacks for church or the like that can be dressed up? I think it's okay for you to spring for the clothes and I think the parents are being jerks not to be willing pay for their kids' basic clothing (I consider having one dress up outfit pretty basic)... I just think it's strange. I wonder about the clothing thing, as well. Also, how much money would the kid expect his girlfriend's parents to pay to buy him a new outfit? What if he gets all picky about it and wants expensive stuff? Honestly, I can't imagine my ds accepting something like that from someone else's parents. He would be mortified and embarrassed. I also have to admit that it would bug me that the boy didn't have enough personal pride to want to at least try to cover his own expenses. It seems very immature and tacky to allow his girlfriend's parents to pay all of the expenses when he is contributing nothing. Boys grow so fast during these years that I am assuming he needs clothes, but honestly, it is possible he doesn't. If he had a shirt for last year, there is no way to know if it fits this year, especially after a summer of workouts. I don't think he goes to church, so he wouldn't have church clothes. For Ds, I would want him to at least have a crisp white shirt for pictures, and if the teen is doing his own laundry (again...assuming on my part by knowing the parents), any shirt he has, may or may not be white any more. LOL in a Life and observations of a teen way, not laughing at him. Whenever I make a commitment to pay for something, I always try to expect more than I need, and that way I am not upset at the end. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Boys grow so fast during these years that I am assuming he needs clothes, but honestly, it is possible he doesn't. If he had a shirt for last year, there is no way to know if it fits this year, especially after a summer of workouts. I don't think he goes to church, so he wouldn't have church clothes. For Ds, I would want him to at least have a crisp white shirt for pictures, and if the teen is doing his own laundry (again...assuming on my part by knowing the parents), any shirt he has, may or may not be white any more. LOL in a Life and observations of a teen way, not laughing at him. Whenever I make a commitment to pay for something, I always try to expect more than I need, and that way I am not upset at the end. It seems odd that he couldn't borrow some clothes from his dad, another family member, or even another guy from the football team. Has he specifically said he can't go unless someone buys him a new outfit? I hate to be so suspicious of the boy, but I smell a rat here. Something doesn't seem right to me. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's not clear to me that he is asking the OP for anything. Tap, can you clarify? Whose idea is it for you guys to pay for everything- yours, your daughter's or his? It seems unlikely he would ask so I just assumed that the daughter broached the issue with the OP. Maybe I am totally wrong though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I can see asking a teen to pay for his own dances and dates so I believe the parents may have set that boundary, and it makes sense to me that a boy has grown over the summer and doesn't have a single button-up shirt. Every year my stepson needs a new button up shirt and slacks for church and he's not even a teen yet. All of that seems entirely plausible to me. I think $200 is a lot to hand over as a cash gift. Around here, that would be the price for a middle-class teen, but the minimum wage is $11/hr and it's not hard to earn that in a single weekend. I have kids aged 11-14 earning $100 from me babysitting over a single weekend or one week of after schools, or detailing both cars and then power-washing all the cement. Well, we don't do that often, but we do know a young man whose father is poor, and when we need help, he always has the offer. I have a hard time imagining he can't find the money. You don't need an after school job to earn $200. You just need to do landscaping on the weekends or something. Here's what I'd offer: a weekend job of hard work at $15/hr, two full day's work, to respect his parents, and then hand over the cash. If he says no, I can see why his parents may be setting those boundaries. If he says yes, work with him, ask him how he's doing, and make sure he gets that money and a good lunch. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's not clear to me that he is asking the OP for anything. Tap, can you clarify? Whose idea is it for you guys to pay for everything- yours, your daughter's or his? It seems unlikely he would ask so I just assumed that the daughter broached the issue with the OP. Maybe I am totally wrong though. You're probably right, but I wanted to ask about it to be sure. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's not clear to me that he is asking the OP for anything. Tap, can you clarify? Whose idea is it for you guys to pay for everything- yours, your daughter's or his? It seems unlikely he would ask so I just assumed that the daughter broached the issue with the OP. Maybe I am totally wrong though. my idea. I don't want her to miss out, because he doesn't have the money. ETA: I haven't said anything to anyone and I won't until the last minute. I want to give them a chance to work it out first. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 (snip) I think $200 is a lot to hand over as a cash gift. Around here, that would be the price for a middle-class teen, but the minimum wage is $11/hr and it's not hard to earn that in a single weekend. I have kids aged 11-14 earning $100 from me babysitting over a single weekend or one week of after schools, or detailing both cars and then power-washing all the cement. Well, we don't do that often, but we do know a young man whose father is poor, and when we need help, he always has the offer. I have a hard time imagining he can't find the money. You don't need an after school job to earn $200. You just need to do landscaping on the weekends or something. (snip) I probably didn't clarify enough....I am figuring $40 for tickets, $50 dinner (Olive Garden or somewhere similar--likely a group), $40 shirt for him (he should have a tie from football), $70 for a dress. No corsage. She has a pair of nude heals, or 2 other pairs from previous dances she can wear. She wears my diamonds studs all the time, so she can just wear those instead of buying new costume jewelry. She will be put on a budget if I do this for them. Normally the $200 would be for her dress, shoes, jewelry etc. If I help, she will have to sacrifice too. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I probably didn't clarify enough....I am figuring $40 for tickets, $50 dinner (Olive Garden or somewhere similar--likely a group), $40 shirt for him (he should have a tie from football), $70 for a dress. No corsage. She has a pair of nude heals, or 2 other pairs from previous dances she can wear. She wears my diamonds studs all the time, so she can just wear those instead of buying new costume jewelry. She will be put on a budget if I do this for them. Normally the $200 would be for her dress, shoes, jewelry etc. If I help, she will have to sacrifice too. If I were thinking along these lines, I'd definitely have them work for it together. In this situation, I'm willing to be they'll both feel better that he worked to earn it instead of the alternative. When I was in college I started dating a guy while he was unemployed and who literally didn't have a spare cent to his name. Most of our dates didn't cost anything, but if we did want to join friends and go out to eat I had to pay. I was okay for the short term, but I know he never felt good about it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I probably didn't clarify enough....I am figuring $40 for tickets, $50 dinner (Olive Garden or somewhere similar--likely a group), $40 shirt for him (he should have a tie from football), $70 for a dress. No corsage. She has a pair of nude heals, or 2 other pairs from previous dances she can wear. She wears my diamonds studs all the time, so she can just wear those instead of buying new costume jewelry. She will be put on a budget if I do this for them. Normally the $200 would be for her dress, shoes, jewelry etc. If I help, she will have to sacrifice too. So it's $200 total, but really $100 is more or less for her. That is different. Thanks for clarifying. I still think $100 is a lot as a gift. Honestly... in my house, it would be straight As or you're both earning that money. But we do give the kids lots of chances to earn money and I have $100 worth of work in my yard right this second, at the local minimum wage at least, and the offers are out there often. You want to work $10/hr for 10 hours straight? Fine, young man, start digging, right here, and go along this whole line. When you're done, let me know and I'll set you up out back. Can't dig? I have some power washing to do. Silver to polish. Receipts to enter into Excel for tax season. I think 16 is old enough to earn money for entertainment, but I also think the adults are responsible for supervising the kids and making sure they have opportunities to earn. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Does he have pants already? And a nice belt and shoes? Because if not, that will be way more. If you had planned to spend $200 on a dress for her, why don't you tell her she has a budget of $200 to do as she pleases for homecoming? That way she and he can decide how to spend the $$. Does she not already have a dress she can use and not have to buy a new one? FWIW: I personally would feel uncomfortable giving a new boyfriend much. If this were a standing boyfriend, I would be more inclined. I am not sure if you have the full picture of his home life or know a lot about him. And what about next time? Next dance, prom, outing in a group? Will you continue to pay for him? Dawn I probably didn't clarify enough....I am figuring $40 for tickets, $50 dinner (Olive Garden or somewhere similar--likely a group), $40 shirt for him (he should have a tie from football), $70 for a dress. No corsage. She has a pair of nude heals, or 2 other pairs from previous dances she can wear. She wears my diamonds studs all the time, so she can just wear those instead of buying new costume jewelry. She will be put on a budget if I do this for them. Normally the $200 would be for her dress, shoes, jewelry etc. If I help, she will have to sacrifice too. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I would have no trouble spending $200 on my own kid, or even to help both of them if they had been dating for a long time. I think my hesitation is because it is a new relationship and I think the boy should be covering his own wardrobe expenses plus, at the very least, his own ticket to the dance, his own dinner, etc. I would make an exception to that if I knew the kid very well and there was a legitimate reason why he wasn't able to earn the money on his own. I like the idea of waiting a while before you make any kind of offer. In the meantime, you might want to suggest to your dd that he -- or both of them -- try to figure out a way to make some cash. If he is too clueless or too lazy to try to earn $100 or so, I think that says something about his character, as well as about his feelings and respect for your dd. Hopefully, he will do the right thing. It would be different if he had no interest in attending the dance and was only going because your dd was insisting on it, but I'm getting the impression that they both want to go. I don't think he should be comfortable with the idea of your dd footing the entire bill, and I hope it turns out that he wants to contribute. It must be so hard for you, though, because the most important thing to you is that your dd is happy, and you know she will be sad if she doesn't get to go to the dance. You're in a tough spot! :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Does he have pants already? And a nice belt and shoes? Because if not, that will be way more. If you had planned to spend $200 on a dress for her, why don't you tell her she has a budget of $200 to do as she pleases for homecoming? That way she and he can decide how to spend the $$. Does she not already have a dress she can use and not have to buy a new one? FWIW: I personally would feel uncomfortable giving a new boyfriend much. If this were a standing boyfriend, I would be more inclined. I am not sure if you have the full picture of his home life or know a lot about him. And what about next time? Next dance, prom, outing in a group? Will you continue to pay for him? Dawn That is an excellent point about who will pay for future events. There is always something going on in high school, and none of it is free! I have to say that I find it interesting that the boy's own father believes he has time for a part time job. If he is the one who is pushing the boy into sports, he is aware of the time required for practices, games, etc., so if he thinks the kid should have a job, maybe he is right. Many high school kids have jobs for only around 8-10 hours a week, but it's still enough to give them some spending money. I should think that this boy could manage something like that if he tried. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I went to four proms with my husband in high school. He took the initiative to go to a tux shop and volunteer to work in exchange for his tux rentals. I think the boyfriend in this situation should be able to come up with a solution for his clothes, too. I don't think his parents are being at all reasonable, but I'm not feeling a whole lot of sympathy for the boy. I would probably be willing to pay for the tickets, but the boyfriend needs to contribute something. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleowl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think I would have a hard time with what would be a clear undermining of the other parents' rules for their child. Based on your description, I don't agree that the other parents' rules are good ones, but they are the ones with authority over this kid. So if I wanted to help, I would find a way to do it within what the other parent has specified is okay - help the kid think of ways to earn his own money. Mowing lawns, tutoring, washing cars...there are things he can do to earn money that do not require him to hold down a regular job for an extended period of time. Help him consider what he can do. Help him look for people who need lawns mowed, etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I don't think I would do it since the other parents are trying to use this to push him into getting a job to pay for these things in the future. I don't think it's a bad lesson. FWIW, my brothers were in multiple sports that went year round (one even went to college on an athletic scholarship) and they had to use their own money for dates. We all had to come up with our own money for gas and to go out with friends. We always found a way even though we had multiple sports and activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 They just started dating. I don't know how hard the boy tried to find work, but honestly it is hard to work when you have to be at football practice workouts M-F 2-5 all summer. Then daily doubles in part of August and then fall practice or games M-F nights. The family is hoping for football scholarships, so it is always the #1 focus. This schedule still left a lot of time for a part time job over the summer. The kid could have worked weekends, mornings, nights. For all we know, dad told the kids about some job opportunities and the kid didn't pursue them, leading dad to impose these natural consequences. Or the dad might be a jerk. It's a tough spot for you to be in- your dd wants to go, and you want her to have a good time. Footing the bill wouldn't be a hardship. (I'm not one who thinks the boy has to pay for dates- it seems wrong to expect the guy to foot the bill for everything.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think I would have a hard time with what would be a clear undermining of the other parents' rules for their child. Based on your description, I don't agree that the other parents' rules are good ones, but they are the ones with authority over this kid. <snip> This is what I was thinking. I don't agree with the parents either! But, that's what they've set up for their kid; it's not abusive, so I don't think another parent should go swooping in to "rescue" the kid from the situation. (I don't mean "swooping in" in a bad way, OP! I think you are very kind to be thinking of doing this.) My inclination would be to find some work for the boy to do so he could work off cost of his needs. If he needs clothing, send him to the thrift store. I disagree with comments above that picking up work to earn $100 is easy and quick. I guess it depends on where people live. That is certainly not the situation around here. My son has picked up some mowing and other yard work jobs but they are hard to find - people around here either pay for a professional service or do it themselves (or have their own teens to do it). Other kids we know report the same things. Some kids have jobs, but those are steady, part-time jobs, not pick-up work. I hope you find a solution that works well for you. I hope this boy turns out to be good for your daughter. I admit to a little hesitance - not exactly suspicion - there too. But I am suspicious of everyone. :-) ETA: thinking about this some more.. do you know the parents? Have y'all spoken about this? 'Cause I'm wondering how you know they can afford it for their kid, and if they have told you what their requirements/natural consequences are. Or is all your information from the boy? Is he well-known to you? If your daughter has recently started dating him, was she friends for a while before? I read all the posts, but if those questions have been answered and I missed it, I apologize. You are free to ignore the questions! I don't mean to be so suspicious, and I understand he is not asking you to pick up the costs, but he clearly has communicated to you/your daughter that he doesn't have the money, and why. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I probably didn't clarify enough....I am figuring $40 for tickets, $50 dinner (Olive Garden or somewhere similar--likely a group), $40 shirt for him (he should have a tie from football), $70 for a dress. No corsage. She has a pair of nude heals, or 2 other pairs from previous dances she can wear. She wears my diamonds studs all the time, so she can just wear those instead of buying new costume jewelry. She will be put on a budget if I do this for them. Normally the $200 would be for her dress, shoes, jewelry etc. If I help, she will have to sacrifice too. Oh you aren't planning to spend much on him at all! $20 for his ticket, $25 for his dinner, and a shirt (which you can get much cheaper than $40 if you shop at Walmart or Kohl's). Though you probably need to give him some gas money, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 my idea. I don't want her to miss out, because he doesn't have the money. ETA: I haven't said anything to anyone and I won't until the last minute. I want to give them a chance to work it out first. I think people aren't being quite fair to the boy. Here, the OP confirms that it is an idea she has been kicking around in her head, not even something her daughter has asked for. We don't know if the boy would feel ok with it (especially the clothes), we don't know if he would even accept it and we don't know what the job market for teens is where they live these days. Some places it is all but nonexistent especially for those who don't have "open availability" outside of school hours. I think people are reading too much into the boy's trustworthiness and character- he doesn't even know Tap is thinking about this. I think it is fine for either the boy or girl to treat for the dance/dinner itself. I generally don't think it is ok for anyone except self, parents or other family to buy clothing for a teen. Rather than wait until the last minute, I would be inclined to make an offer of work for one or both of them now with plenty of time left and see what they say/plan to use the money for. But I also see the merits of waiting and offering at the last minute, I just worry that it might make him feel uncomfortable or in a position not to accept. It's easier to accept a job than clothing from your girlfriend's parents. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'd give the my DD what I would have spent, and if she wants to spend it so her boyfriend can go, that's fine. My guess is that if they hit thrift stores and are creative about it, they can find what they both need and still have enough for dinner-but really, the only non-negotiable cost would be the tickets. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 If it were a case where the other kid is from a really poor family (where if the kid got a job the money would go to more essential things, like the kid's everyday clothes and school supplies etc) I might be okay paying for the other kid's share. But in this case, I assume it was known to the kid that the parents wouldn't be paying for homecoming quite a while ago. It really wouldn't have been that hard to sneak in *some* amount of work over summer break to make $200 or w/e. So, I think my opinion on this situation is "tough luck". ETA: or rather, $90, if you're just looking at his ticket, food, shirt, and gas money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's not a wedding. It's a dance. One of many available to them this year. If they want to go they can work. Or not go. Honestly, these dance and prom things are just ridiculous to me. I've seen on Facebook (before I dumped it, LOL!!) "prom propsals". It's pathetic and degrades real proposals. For homecoming... $200+? No. Sometimes the answer is no. Life goes on. All thing considered, I might recommend an alternate option. A backyard barnyard dance for them and friends. Cheap. Fun. (It can still be nice - check out pinterest.) All done for less than the cost of the dress alone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I agree that if he's an athlete, as well as a decent student, he really may not have the time for a job, or not one that fits in any sort of schedule with his sports and schoolwork. I remember how busy I was in high school with activities and classes; my goal was to finish some college early and have the activities and service to get scholarships and honors programs. There's no way I could have had a regular job during the year. Summers, maybe, but with football, this young man may not have been able to have a summer job, and if they're seriously looking at an athletic scholarship, I can see that being the priority. I voted that I think it's okay for either of them to pay for everything, including clothing, but in certain circumstances. One, are the parents generally reasonable? If so, and this is their one thing, I might be inclined to assume that they have some other plan in mind, and I'd be inclined not to push it too much. Or if they're generally wacky, I'd be more inclined to pay for clothing. I'd see it as giving the young man a hands up, because he can use that shirt for interviews and such later. I might see if there's a reasonable way for the boy to work for you or something, but that might be even more awkward. I would talk to your daughter though -- if they break up shortly afterward, will she mind that you paid for his shirt? Or will that put undue pressure on the two of them to continue a relationship that isn't going anywhere? I'm picturing a big group of kids, where you've known them all for a while, including this boy, and now he and your DD have special feelings for each other, and you know he's a good, hard-working kid, and you're giving him a hands up by helping him. But if that's not really the case, I'd be less inclined to buy him a shirt. I like the idea of giving your daughter the budget and letting the two of them work it out, as long as she is comfortable with what they decide. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I would be fine with paying for the tickets, etc., but I'd draw the line at clothing. Like PPs, I might suddenly be looking for some landscaping help for a couple of weekends. ;) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Here is what I would do. I would buy my daughter's dress, the tickets, the meal, and even provide gas money. I would not buy the boy any clothes. To me that is just really, really odd. If the boy really wants to go to Homecoming he will find his own clothes. I cannot help but wonder - does this boy really want to go to Homecoming? I get the being busy with sports - I see it here all the time where high school athletes cannot reasonably find jobs. I also see parents who think their kid is the next Peyton Manning/Derek Jeter/Tiger Woods/LeBron James and think they are getting scholarship money and therefore put all focus on sports. But to deny a kid a shirt? That seems a little extreme and makes me really wonder what else is going on. Honestly, I'd be very leery of getting involved in that family dynamic. Which I guess is why I would offer to pay for my daughter and the "mutual" stuff but not the boy's clothes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 These things are so terribly expensive that I think each student needs to be responsible for his or her own clothes, accessories, etc. Who ever invites may pay for the tickets, or go dutch. As long as everyone knows the expectation up front. I find it very odd that any participant would expect the other person to foot the bill for the other person's clothing which would give me cause for concern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Ariel Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I haven't read all of the responses, but was it possible for this young man to have had a job over the summer? If he's on the team he must have known there would be a dance, etc. I wouldn't interfere with another's parenting choices in a case like this. It sounds like a ton of peer pressure for these kids to be there. But if she or you pay for him, it might set an expectation in his mind that others will pay for him in the future and he won't need to solve problems on his own. It could be a huge life lesson for him. Sorry for your daughter. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'd find a list of flexible jobs for the boy...stuff like cutting grass for my friends and neighbors, painting, basic home repair/handyman stuff and say "DD, I asked around and here are some options for your guy to earn a little money for homecoming. " And leave it at that. Surely between now and homecoming (in our area, that still a few weeks off) he should be able to dedicate at least a couple of weekend mornings to do these kinds of jobs. If it wasn't enough, I would offer (at the end) to help make up the difference. If he doesn't want to take up the offers or constantly makes excuses as to why he can't do these things, it would be telling about his character. Also, if it were really important to your dd, she may be interested in helping him earn the money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Here is what I would do. I would buy my daughter's dress, the tickets, the meal, and even provide gas money. I would not buy the boy any clothes. To me that is just really, really odd. If the boy really wants to go to Homecoming he will find his own clothes. I cannot help but wonder - does this boy really want to go to Homecoming? I get the being busy with sports - I see it here all the time where high school athletes cannot reasonably find jobs. I also see parents who think their kid is the next Peyton Manning/Derek Jeter/Tiger Woods/LeBron James and think they are getting scholarship money and therefore put all focus on sports. But to deny a kid a shirt? That seems a little extreme and makes me really wonder what else is going on. Honestly, I'd be very leery of getting involved in that family dynamic. Which I guess is why I would offer to pay for my daughter and the "mutual" stuff but not the boy's clothes. I am wondering about that too. I could see myself making excuses to not do something I didn't want to do. OP, of course we are all wildly guessing at motivations and such! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think people aren't being quite fair to the boy. Here, the OP confirms that it is an idea she has been kicking around in her head, not even something her daughter has asked for. We don't know if the boy would feel ok with it (especially the clothes), we don't know if he would even accept it and we don't know what the job market for teens is where they live these days. Some places it is all but nonexistent especially for those who don't have "open availability" outside of school hours. I think people are reading too much into the boy's trustworthiness and character- he doesn't even know Tap is thinking about this. I think it is fine for either the boy or girl to treat for the dance/dinner itself. I generally don't think it is ok for anyone except self, parents or other family to buy clothing for a teen. Rather than wait until the last minute, I would be inclined to make an offer of work for one or both of them now with plenty of time left and see what they say/plan to use the money for. But I also see the merits of waiting and offering at the last minute, I just worry that it might make him feel uncomfortable or in a position not to accept. It's easier to accept a job than clothing from your girlfriend's parents. I agree that in some areas it can be tough for a teen to find a regular job, but if the boy really wants to take Tap's dd to this dance, he could get a little creative about it and maybe sell some stuff on eBay or even have a little yard sale. We're not talking about thousands of dollars here. It sounds like his half of the expenses would only be around $100 or so. I would be curious to find out what the boy thinks about the situation. I'm guessing that Tap doesn't know yet. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm not a natural consequences kind of parent in THAT context. I do not want our oldest to have a job during high school (well, not beyond occasional babysitting, perhaps). I would have no problem paying for her and a boy to attend a big dance like homecoming (including clothing for the boy and dinner for both), if his parents refused to help. Likewise, if my boys wanted to go with a gal and their parents refused to help - we would, as long as we were able to do so. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Nope this person doesn't even have $1 to their name. They have a driver's licence and a car, but the car doesn't even have enough gas to get to the service station. He/She is that broke. They even have to ride the bus to school, though he/she only lives a couple miles away. Parents won't even pay for gas to/from school or sports, despite the fact that they require he/she participate in sports. They say walk, bus or get a ride. Parents are drawing a firm line in the sand, and will pay for nothing elective for him/her. Whoa. They REQUIRE he participate in sports, attend school, and they want him to get a job? High school sports are seriously time consuming - on top of high school academics. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Our homecoming dances were waaayyy simplier back in the day. I'm pretty sure there were no tickets and most people didn't attend in couples. If my dd couldn't attend without him I'd probably want to make it happen. I agree with others...can you find him a few odd jobs so he could pay his half of the expenses? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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