Who pays in your family when going out to eat?

[displace]

When eating out with your family, if you do eat out, who pays? I'll assume most minor children aren't paying often.

 

For example, if you and spouse are going out with your parents, who tends to pay? Do you and spouse pick up the tab, does the elder generation pay, do you split the bill or alternate who pays?

 

I'm just curious about what is common. I'd like to see how the family I was raised in compares with other families and maybe other cultures. In our family background the eldest generation would always end up paying except on rare occasions (celebration of eldest birthday or something). This would be preceded by a five min fight over who was going to pay. 😀

[MysteryJen]

Our parents usually pay. Otherwise, we would never go out to eat. Also, they are better off than we are.

 

We pay when we take our kids to out to eat. I don't think that will ever change :)

[PuddleJumper1]

If everyone decided to go out then every family unit pays their own.

If one person invited everyone out then they would pay for everyone.

[tm919]

I said everyone pays for themselves (since that is how we do it when it's not a special occasion) but honestly most "eating out" done by my extended family is at the expense of one person, as in "I'm taking you out to dinner for your birthday."

[marbel]

My inlaws always pay.  We used to try to pay but it was pointless and just frustrated everyone, so we let them pay. 

 

My mother almost always paid, but she would occasionally let us pay. 

 

I see myself being the older generation that won't let the youngers pay. When a nephew of mine took my kids and me out sightseeing in his city, I felt compelled to pay for everything.  Finally he said "Hey Aunt, let me get this one.  I make a lot of money you know."    I'm quite sure he makes more than my husband ever did (and has much lower expenses than we do)!  But it still seemed like... I should have paid.   :-)

 

ETA: I'm also quite sure my husband made more money than his dad. But even now, retired, my FIL won't let us pay. 

 

 

[Guest]

My parents both (they are separate entities) like to pay for everyone. They hardly ever visit lol

 

With my inlaws, they visit more, and we all pay for our own nuclear families.

 

There was a time when grandparents always paid for everyone, but now someone else picks up the tab for grandparents, without much concern for which family does that...either gradparent's own kids, or their grandkids.

[DawnM]

With my parents, they pay.  However, we know we have more $$ than they do, so I like to slip in a "Hey Dad, I got this gift card I want to use since we rarely come over this way to eat anyway and there isn't one of these places closer to me."  Thing.  They don't live nearby so they don't know where we go regularly, etc.....and I have been known to order gift cards online before they get here.

 

With siblings, usually everyone covers their own family.

 

 

[JustEm]

I put cupcakes because it depends. If I'm wearing out with my parents they always pay. If I'm out with mil she usually pays but will let us pick up the bill if we offer, just not all the time. My fil pays and has us pay the tip. When I go out with siblings we pay for what we each got.

[Annie G]

It varies. We live far from our parents but when we visit, we do tend to eat out several times. If we do that, we often round robin the bill...we pay a few times and dad pays once.  That way it kind of evens out since there's just one of him and up to four of us. 

 

When I visit alone, Dad treats me once because he enjoys it and my sister and I treat him at least once because we enjoy it.  This summer he asked me to make him homemade chicken and noodles because he misses my mom's cooking.  That was more effort than picking up a check.g

 

Last time we were there we went out with our family of four, dad, my sister, and her two adult kids and their significant others.  Without any discussion, we all assumed we'd pay for our own families and it worked beautifully. I think we've managed to work out paying for meals out without any conflict or hurt feelings. It's the one thing we do that's not dysfunctional in some way. 

[creekland]

For both sides of our family, our parents pay and we usually leave the tip.

 

This happens after we offer to pay or split the bill or alternate or whatever.

 

And now that my kids are grown... we are the ones paying.  It seems, well, right!  I have no plans to change.  (We would pay if our parents accepted our offer!)

[callapidder]

I also put "Cupcakes" because it varies depending on who is there. We don't often eat out with extended family -- we're more likely to have them over or to eat at their house. But in the occasional event that we eat out together...

 

• If we're out with my in-laws, they usually pay.
• If we're out with my mother (who is on a very low fixed income), we pay. She insists on leaving the tip.
• If we're out with siblings, we usually split the bill or get separate bills, unless one family specifically invited the other as a treat/thanks/etc.
• Once in a blue moon, my teenager offers to treat me to breakfast or coffee. :)

[kewb]

Going out with my dad, he paid, no matter what. He felt it was his privelege to take his children and grandchildren out to dinner.

My mother, otoh, as the saying goes, squeezes the nickel so tight the native american cries.

I hope to be in a position to always pay when I go out with my children when they are adults.

When we go out with my sister she usually pays because she is in a better financial position than we are.

My dh's family, his father will pay if he is able. My mil and sfil expect the children to pay.

[Serenade]

We only have widow grandmas left, so we generally pay when we go out all together.  Sometimes my mom will take my sister and I out to lunch.  

 

If it's just my sister's family and my family, we generally each pay our own way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My generation pays.  Our parent's generation is retired, on fixed incomes and in their 80's and 90's.  We pay for them even if they offer.  

[abba12]

. This would be preceded by a five min fight over who was going to pay. 😀

Ah yes, dad and grandad fighting after dinner about who pays, good times lol.

 

In my family eldest generation pays (younger always tries anyway).

Exception to this rule is, If we have three adult generations at the table (me, parent and my grandparent, along with my minor kids) the middle generation pays, so my dad pays for me and for my grandad now. If it's just the two of them grandad will insist on paying or occasionally split bill now that my dad has no dependants.

 

Adult sibling pays for siblings still living at home and splits bills with independent siblings, regardless of age (so 17yo independent brother insisted on paying, but we paid for 23yo living at home sister)

[SproutMamaK]

We don't generally go out to dinner with my parents, maybe once a year if that. I don't think we've EVER gone out to dinner with my in-laws... they just don't like eating out. When we go out with my parents, it's usually to celebrate a special occasion, so it depends on what we're celebrating. For example, this year we went out to celebrate my middle son's 10th birthday. We paid for that, since it's our family's celebration. Last year, we went out with teh whole family to celebrate my father's 70th birthday. Mom and Dad paid for that one since they wanted to celebrate in that way. So I suppose in our case, it's whoever does the inviting, as they're seen as the "hosts" of the celebration.

Now I'm curious, do people really go out to eat with their extended families that often? For us, it's rare enough to even get a date night out with just DH and I, let alone adding more people to the mix.

[Farrar]

Depends which branch of the family.

 

It has started to shift in the last couple of years. Now we pay more and more, though the older generation still occasionally does.

[Joker]

We pay for our own. We eat out with my mom at least once a week and it would be crazy for her to pay for six people instead of her regular two. She also wouldn't allow us to pick up the tab every time since we meet up so often. On special occasions one of us will pay for all.

[Pawz4me]

My MIL is the only elder in our family. She's not in an optimal financial situation so DH or one of his siblings almost always picks up her tab. When my mother was alive she always wanted to pay. She could afford it and it made her feel good to do it so we usually let her.

[Matryoshka]

Everyone pays for their own family unless my parents insist on paying, which they sometimes do but not always.  But we always offer to pay for ourselves and don't assume they'll just pick up the tab.

 

Our whole extended family rarely eats out; it's usually me and my mom going out; similar dynamic applies.  Although sometimes I pay for her if it's close to her birthday or mother's day.  If we go to an event, often she's paid for tickets, so I pick up parking or meal.

 

We almost never go out with MIL  The one time I can think of it was either her birthday or mother's day so we picked up tab.

[displace]

Good mix of everything goes I think ðŸ´

[xixstar]

We usually pay though MIL will offer and sometimes will pay but with 5 of us and 1 of her it makes no sense to me. But then we only go out with MIL maybe 1x a year.

[forty-two]

It depends on the family. My parents always pay, but with dh's family we usually split the bill, unless one of us is specifically treating the other (usually his parents treat us once a visit, and we treat them on special occasions, as a gift). This isn't so much family culture but family finances - my parents are very comfortable, and they pay because they can and because it helps us. Dh's family, otoh, is financially in a similar place to us, plus dh's sister and her kids live with them, and neither of us is in a position to be regularly treating the other. (Although otoh again ;), my single, professional sister is financially better off than we are and there it tends to be whoever invites pays. But us paying for one extra person is quite a bit different than either us or dh's parents paying for 5-6 extra people.)

[displace]

We don't generally go out to dinner with my parents, maybe once a year if that. I don't think we've EVER gone out to dinner with my in-laws... they just don't like eating out. When we go out with my parents, it's usually to celebrate a special occasion, so it depends on what we're celebrating. For example, this year we went out to celebrate my middle son's 10th birthday. We paid for that, since it's our family's celebration. Last year, we went out with teh whole family to celebrate my father's 70th birthday. Mom and Dad paid for that one since they wanted to celebrate in that way. So I suppose in our case, it's whoever does the inviting, as they're seen as the "hosts" of the celebration.

 

Now I'm curious, do people really go out to eat with their extended families that often? For us, it's rare enough to even get a date night out with just DH and I, let alone adding more people to the mix.

We don't go to restaurants often either because it's a hassle (and expensive).

[displace]

I didn't even consider family size differences really before.

[Scarlett]

My parents almost always pay. Especially if it is just Ds and me. If dh is along they are more likely to pay their own bill and let us pay ours. They visited last week and we paid twice while they were here.

[catz]

Interesting. We usually split. Unless we just took parents or in laws to a show or something and bought the tickets. Then they might buy us dinner. Splitting seems normal to me.

[momofkhm]

Sorry, I had to vote other cause it depends on if it's my parents or his.  If it's my parents, my folks tend to pay or sometimes we split the check.  

 

If it's with my MIL, we pay.  *We* have a better idea, no make that more realistic idea of how much money she has.  It's funny too, most of the time she won't even notice that we paid until we get up to leave and she asks where the check is.

 

 

[rocassie]

My siblings, everyone pays for themselves.  No one can really afford to pay for everyone.  We generally only go out to eat because we are meeting in the middle of where everyone lives.  In-laws, it really depends.  MIL likes to take us out and treat us to dinner when we come in.  If the whole family goes out, then each family generally pays for themselves but someone picks up my MIL's tab. Occasionally my BIL, who is single and makes decent money, will pick up the tab.

[wapiti]

We pay if it's my mother or MIL.  If my dh isn't there, my mother will try to pay.  It's kind of annoying because she'll be a pain about insisting and then, e.g., steal any creamers remaining on the table.  We are at a very different income level and have a different view of the money; she has a history of trying to buy us things she can't afford for the purpose of feeling good about herself (nevermind that we don't want her to).

 

With my siblings, we'd just split it up, though we rarely go out to dinner with them.  We'll eat at someone's house instead.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The only other family that ever eats out with us is my dad.  He sometimes pays and we sometimes pay. 

[FaithManor]

We rarely eat out with extended family. When we do, dh and I pay. Long story as to how that came about which figures into why it has been approximately 12 years since we all went to a restaurant together.

[Jane in NC]

It depends. We often travel to see family members so it seems they either pick up the tab or orchestrate a dinner party/barbecue to celebrate our presence. I like to pick up the tab for my nephew, his wife and young son.  The couple works in education which I think is heroic in my state's current environment.

 

I always pay for my now adult son when we eat out. He has offered, we refuse.  As I see it, he'll have a chance to compensate when we are old and gray-- if not with money, then with time.

[Amira]

The only times we eat out with family are during rare visits in either direction.  The visitor usually pays because the host is already cooking and providing a place to sleep. If a large group goes out to eat, everyone pays for their own family.

 

 

[Tap]

Other....depends on the situation.

 

My mom is poor, so we always treat.

One set of in-laws will always try to treat, but about one in three times we eat out, I sneak around and pay the bill before it comes to the table.

The other set of in-laws will let us treat at the table, so there isn't ever a fight.  Dh just grabs the check, or tells the waiter ahead of time to bring it to him and they allow us to pay.

 

 

[T'smom]

On my side of the family, the eldest generation always insists on paying. My parents insist on paying for us, my grandparents insist on paying for everyone. On dh's side, we usually split, though MIL often complains that we don't pay for them. They have a LOT more money than we do. A LOT. When we have family dinners, she expects everyone to contribute- she will tell you what you are supposed to bring and it is never something that you can pick up at the store- even if you are driving 14+ hours to be there or if you have a 3 week old baby.

[Arcadia]

Whoever is older than me pays. So my older cousins pay when we went back eventhough we are the same generation. Even on hubby's side, the oldest in the generation tends to pay unless it is agreed in advance to split the bill.

 

The host always pay though regardless of "rank" in the family tree. So if I host a family gathering, I pay for everyone I invite.

[QueenCat]

If my parents are with us, they pay for all. My dad would have a cow if we didn't let him. Doesn't matter how many people are there.

 

If dh's parents are with us, we pay for us and sometimes them. They never "treat" us (and it's NOT a money issue). If others are there, everyone pays for their immediate family group.

 

If it's us and our siblings with family, and no "older generation", each pays for their family group.

 

If it's us and our kids, including adult kids, we pay. The only time I let my kids pay is if they ask to take me out for a birthday/mother's day treat but that's usually dessert and not a full meal. Dh still makes sure we go out to celebrate for a full meal that we pay for.

[QueenCat]

The only times we eat out with family are during rare visits in either direction.  The visitor usually pays because the host is already cooking and providing a place to sleep. If a large group goes out to eat, everyone pays for their own family.

 

If we're visiting friends or older family other than one of the sets of our parents, we do this....... but my parents still won't let us treat when they're hosting us, primarily because they say we paid to come see them, and food is a minor cost (compared to travel costs) for having us there. I really think, though, family culture dictates so much of this type of thing.

[zoobie]

We tend to take turns with my dad and stepmother. It's who is quickest to the bill or who insists. Though more often, they eat here which means we buy the food and do the work of preparing it. When we were still in school, my parents always paid, but that's been a hundred donkey years.

 

We almost always pay with my mom. She and her husband don't even make an effort to reach for the bill most of the time. We rarely go out with them, and we don't travel with them.

[bluemongoose]

I voted everyone pays for self but that isnt entirely true. My husband and I pay for self, my parents pay for my other siblings. They think they need the help. To be fair...DH and I dont need the help, but my siblings could afford it themselves too and my parents are not saving for retirement. They think DH and I will make ends meet for them when the time comes.  :glare:  Ya it is a can of worms!

 

If we are eating at eachothers houses, it is either pot luck style or the person who invites provides.

[Cottonwood]

For us, every family pays for their own most every time.  There are occasions when extended family decides to take a family out for a special reason but it is an invitation and known ahead of time.  For instance, DH just retired from the military and my brother's family and mom/dad said they wanted to take us out to celebrate.  If there isn't an occasion and someone in the family suggests going out to eat just 'because', then everyone pays for their own family. Occasionally my parents have snatched up the bill at the end of a meal and said they wanted to treat us and they randomly do that to other family.  But the unsaid 'way' around here is every family for themselves most all times.

 

Growing up, as soon as I had a steady job, I paid for my own meals out when eating out with family.  As did my siblings.  If we all went out with my parents, even as teens, we paid our own bill.  It was never a spoken thing, we all just started doing it.  My parents still had times where they'd decide to take us all (or some..depending on who was around at the time) out and pay for it. So it fluctuated.  I will probably pay for my kids' meals out on occasion, but they will also pay for their own when they can once they are working.

 

I am so intrigued by the fact that this could be generational and that someone, older, would pay for our whole family's meal! lol  If anything, here, (deep South..so maybe it's regional??)  we would more likely pay for the older generations' meals.  When all 4 of us siblings and their family are together with my parents, we usually split the tab for my parents' meal as well as leave the tip.

[Annie G]

The reason we eat out so much with my family is because we live 850 miles away and we're usually there for days.  Mom passed away almost three years ago and when she was here, she loved cooking for us all but we always wanted to take her out once to give her a break.   When Mom passed it was easier for my dad if we just ate out when we visited, or grilled out at the house.  Asking me to make him noodles this summer was the first time he's asked one of us to make one of Mom's specialties. I can see less eating out when we visit in the  future but we had to wait until he was ready to have us cooking for him- he and Mom were married more than 60 years- so he's not used to someone else cooking for him unless it's a restaurant. 

 

My mil has quickly declined to the point of not being able to cook for anyone but she was reluctant to let me cook in her kitchen. So we did a lot of eating out until about a year ago when she became  open to me cooking for her. 

 

Oddly enough, dh and I rarely eat out- usually only when we're out with friends.  We just prefer what we get at home.  When our kids and grandkids visit we would much rather cook than go out. 

 

Anyway...that explains why we eat out so much- I saw a few folks mention that their extended families don't go out to eat.  

[QueenCat]

 

I am so intrigued by the fact that this could be generational and that someone, older, would pay for our whole family's meal! lol  If anything, here, (deep South..so maybe it's regional??)  we would more likely pay for the older generations' meals.  When all 4 of us siblings and their family are together with my parents, we usually split the tab for my parents' meal as well as leave the tip.

 

 

The deep south part of my family doesn't have the older generation treating the younger. Those with northern roots tend to do more treating by the older generation.

[LucyStoner]

If it's my dad, we pay.

 

If it's my ILs, they pay.

 

If it's my brother and his husband occasionally we treat each other but generally we split the bill right down the middle.

[marbel]

The deep south part of my family doesn't have the older generation treating the younger. Those with northern roots tend to do more treating by the older generation.

 

My in-laws are deep south too, and they insist on paying every time. 

 

I'm not so sure it's regional/cultural as much as family/cultural.   

 

[OnTheBrink]

I voted "whoever invited", but that's not always true. When my dad's in town, it doesn't matter who suggests eating out, he grabs the check. I have given up even trying to protest. His love language is paying for stuff, so I let him, even though sometimes it makes me feel weird.

 

But, as my adult son pointed out, I do the same thing! Every time I've asked DS and his GF out for a meal, GF assumes they'll pay for their meals and I always pay for it all. I feel that I invited, so I'm paying. 

[displace]

On my side of the family, the eldest generation always insists on paying. My parents insist on paying for us, my grandparents insist on paying for everyone. On dh's side, we usually split, though MIL often complains that we don't pay for them. They have a LOT more money than we do. A LOT. When we have family dinners, she expects everyone to contribute- she will tell you what you are supposed to bring and it is never something that you can pick up at the store- even if you are driving 14+ hours to be there or if you have a 3 week old baby.

Insert falling over smiley here re: your MIL 😦

[Annie G]

On my side of the family, the eldest generation always insists on paying. My parents insist on paying for us, my grandparents insist on paying for everyone. On dh's side, we usually split, though MIL often complains that we don't pay for them. They have a LOT more money than we do. A LOT. When we have family dinners, she expects everyone to contribute- she will tell you what you are supposed to bring and it is never something that you can pick up at the store- even if you are driving 14+ hours to be there or if you have a 3 week old baby.

 

Alrighty then- I'm going to stop complaining that it took 25+ years before I was allowed to step foot in MIL's kitchen.  I'd rather be banned than be ordered to jump through hoops. 

[magic]

My in-laws always pay when we go out to eat- ever if we invited them.  They really want to pay and we have learned not to argue.  With my side of the family everyone is responsible for their own family.  My parents pay for themselves and each of us siblings pay for our families separately.