So, When Are You Going to Let Them Go?

[Slojo]

So, I actually don't get a lot of flack from acquaintances or family on homeschooling my DC (ages 9, 7, and 2 - relevant for this topic). But, I have been getting a few comments in the last couple of months from people who are definitely in the "well, it's probably okay up til a certain point, but you're going to definitely put them in school for high school, right?" camp. I'm trying to figure out what the flip is up with the concern or comment. The comments have been anything from: "Well, you know you have to let them go and grow up at some point..."  "You'll let them decide by high school, right (always with a bit of nervous "please tell me the answer is yes" in their voice)?"

 

On one level, I get it -- kids are getting older, high school is another whole ball of wax, whole separation from parents/form your own identity thing. These aren't really people who have thought a lot about what I think are the real challenges of homeschooling through high school -- but just this vague nervousness that I'm going to let this whole homeschooling thing go on too long or too far. They are not actually giving commentary on my DC's current skills or behavior -- actually all of the comments came after complimenting my DC on some aspect of their behavior or their apparent "brightness" - almost like I'm going to mess this good thing up if I let this homeschooling thing get out of hand;-).

 

I actually don't know what I'm going to do about high school - it's five years off (my oldest is starting 4th). (And do they know what they are going to do about high school? Maybe, just maybe, five years from now the high school you think you'd put your kid in really isn't going to be the best fit).

 

But, gosh, I've gotten five comments in the last couple of months from various people - some close to me (friends/family), others passing acquaintances. I'm trying to put my finger on exactly what the discomfort is for folks so I can respond better. Not getting in an argument, but more setting a boundary as politely as possible. For friends/family, I want to say something akin to: "I really don't know what high school will look like. My goal is to be at a place where they are able to make an informed decision about THEIR education, and the best course to take to achieve their educational goals -- not a conversation that I think takes place at a deep level for most high schoolers, actually. But M's only in 4th, so we have a few years to really get there."  And I do say something like that, usually not that put together because I can get a bit blindsided by giving an off-the-cuff response to what I think is actually an important question. Then there's a bit of the sarcastic me that would like to say, "And if your DC wanted to homeschool for HS, would you let him (knowing the answer is pretty much a no in these cases)?"  Or "You know, I give as much thought to what's developmentally appropriate at different stages for my children as you give to yours. And, parenthetically, I actually thing there's lots of developmentally inappropriate things that go on in the typical high school, but please let's trust each other to continue to make thoughtful parenting decisions as our children age. And let's trust my ability to recognize that a 16 year old is going to have different needs than my kids do at the ages they are now.  Or maybe I'll just be that crazy momma who accompanies her adult children on their job interviews. Twenty dollar bet on that."

 

For casual acquaintances - I'm trying to answer the question politely but mostly get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. "None of your business" feels too rude - I'm really trying to just keep this thing casual and positive. But I'm also not trying to engage them in what is really a fairly intimate question. When a lady I've seen a few times in church asked (she first complimented me on my kids' behavior in church, and then asked what school they went to -- that's how we got to her questioning me), I managed to reply, "Yes, certainly they need a range of experiences."  She: "Well, you got to let them experience things on their own at some point. You going to let them go when they are in high school?" Me: "Many people do it that way -- homeschool until high school."  Then, of course, she turned her concern to the other thing she could think of - which was whether they could take PE (never mind that I am actually far more concerned with how little PE the average school kid gets, and how seemingly ineffective it is at instilling lifelong health and physical fitness habits in the overall population, but I digress).

 

At any rate, first, thanks for reading my vent. Secondly, I am curious if others (and I'm sure there are) have gotten an uptick in "homeschooling concerns" after a period of relative quiet when your kids were younger but increasing comments as your DC have begun approaching middle or high school?  And if so, what was the nature of the "concern" and how did you respond? I like hearing responses from others - it helps me think of what to say or how I'd like to respond in the future. And if your DC are older high school students - how do they respond on their own behalf, or do they say anything at all?  My kids are still in that "shy" stage - they would never direct respond to an adult or peer who made a challenging comment about homeschooling (and, at 9 and 7, I don't think they need to). They would definitely defer to me, and I'm always trying to be conscientious about what I am modeling for them. 

[lewelma]

I always say "If they want to go to highschool, they can choose to at that time.  You don't want to force a teen to homeschool."  This is enough to alleviate their minds.  It is just a recognition that teens have their own minds and that I will respect that.

 

Now that my ds is in highschool, I still say the same thing, and then turn to him and ask "so, do you want to go to school?" And he says, "no."  And that is it.

 

Ruth in NZ

 

[regentrude]

I have never encountered anybody who voiced serious concerns over my homeschooling. Everybody was positive about it and readily accepted that this is better for my children than public school. I have always made clear that homeschooling is my children's choice, and that they had the option to attend public school (the point of no return is 9th grade, then you're committed to see it through to the end.) Nobody ever accused me of not-letting-go.

 

I have gotten questions about homeschooling high school because the people did not know how that would possibly work with college acceptance or how a parent can be competent to teach all high school subjects. I completely understand those, because these are very valid questions, and non-homeschoolers (and even many homeschoolers)  have no clear idea about the process. I answered by explaining that homeschooled students get into colleges of all calibers, that I can issue a transcript, that there will be standardized test scores and dual enrollment classes as outside validation, that we will outsource subjects that I am not qualified to teach.

I remember that I had all these questions myself when I embarked on this journey, and so I am gracious and answer those people's questions without assuming they are meant to doubt my abilities or choices.

 

My extended family and old friends live in a country where homeschooling is illegal, and they of course had tons of questions when I started, because it was something they had never ever encountered or given any thought. I just answer them so they can better understand what we are doing and how it works. the response has been entirely positive, even in people who, at first, could not fathom how such a  thing might be possible.

 

 

[abba12]

The thing is, people can imagine themselves teaching elementary science, middle school writing, fractions and decimals. But then they try to imagine teaching calculus and high school history (without a curriculum, of course, since homeschool teachers MUST teach everything from scratch)  and it becomes a crazy idea in their minds.

 

Also, the social thing. They remember hanging with friends in high school, and assume that's the ONLY way for a teenager to have good experiences because it was THEIR experience. They have very little concept of what social life for a homeschooled teenager would even begin to look like because their social lives centred around school. 

 

I have this debate frequently with a very close friend who things homeschooling high school is insane. He's willing to humour me now but I know he will get more vocal later on. Any time it comes up, it's simply comments like 'but, my experiences at high school shaped who I was', yeah, and my kids experiences in the world will shape who they are too. The key word here is experiences, NOT high school.

 

[Raising Little Shoots]

I always say "If they want to go to highschool, they can choose to at that time.  You don't want to force a teen to homeschool."  This is enough to alleviate their minds.  It is just a recognition that teens have their own minds and that I will respect that.

 

Now that my ds is in highschool, I still say the same thing, and then turn to him and ask "so, do you want to go to school?" And he says, "no."  And that is it.

 

Ruth in NZ

 

I love this, Ruth!

[FawnsFunnyFarm]

I tell every one "We take it year by year, day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute or second by second when we need to." I keep it light hearted when I say it, because what others think is not something I let bother me. I live this life because I choose to, not because someone else has a say (outside of my kids and hubby of course). I do have one who chose to go to PS in 7th grade because he wanted to go to an alternative tech high school, so people probably assume the rest of my kids will eventually go. They probably assume wrong.

[The Girls' Mom]

"We take each year as it comes, but yes, I plan on homeschooling through high school".  

 

To the people that think that I keep them locked in the basement:  "Have you SEEN our schedule?  I couldn't keep them home if I tried!"

 

Now that I have one graduated and doing well in college, the questions have ground to a halt.  

 

I tend to get more comments like "Oh, its great that YOU are doing it, since you are so smart, but I'm really against homeschooling in general.  Most parents have no business educating their kids" This is usually from teachers and school officials, which we have a glut of in our family.  I usually remind them that I have only graduated from high school, and that the average person CAN in fact do this well.  

[Soror]

I tell every one "We take it year by year, day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute or second by second when we need to." I keep it light hearted when I say it, because what others think is not something I let bother me. I live this life because I choose to, not because someone else has a say (outside of my kids and hubby of course). I do have one who chose to go to PS in 7th grade because he wanted to go to an alternative tech high school, so people probably assume the rest of my kids will eventually go. They probably assume wrong.

This has been my answer so far as most of the people that I've talked to so far really don't want to know the details. I have given some info like what was listed above about transcripts, outside/online and DE classes to those who did seem to want more info.

[Soror]

"We take each year as it comes, but yes, I plan on homeschooling through high school".  

 

To the people that think that I keep them locked in the basement:  "Have you SEEN our schedule?  I couldn't keep them home if I tried!"

 

Now that I have one graduated and doing well in college, the questions have ground to a halt.  

 

I tend to get more comments like "Oh, its great that YOU are doing it, since you are so smart, but I'm really against homeschooling in general.  Most parents have no business educating their kids" This is usually from teachers and school officials, which we have a glut of in our family.  I usually remind them that I have only graduated from high school, and that the average person CAN in fact do this well.  

I haven't noticed any change in the amount of questions yet, I wonder how it will be in a couple more years?

 

We have a very, very large number of teachers in our family as well, nearly all the females of dh's family are teachers. At first most of them seemed to ignore us and avoid the topic of schooling however I've noticed that as of late we are included and it seems given respect that our choice is valid(even by the most critical), I'm blown away by it. I know our families perceive us as smart, dh is thought of as the family genius and I did well in college but that has always been the case. I have a hunch that perhaps it is our participation in outside activities which have garnered us respect. I think that they see that (1) we aren't locking them away and (2) perhaps we aren't going to totally fail. It really helped that our homeschool robotics teams smashed the dickens out of the local team from the gifted and talented class at school who had a year of experience in FLL and were a solid 3yrs+ older than all of our teammates. 

[GailV]

I always say "If they want to go to highschool, they can choose to at that time.  You don't want to force a teen to homeschool."  This is enough to alleviate their minds.  It is just a recognition that teens have their own minds and that I will respect that.

 

Now that my ds is in highschool, I still say the same thing, and then turn to him and ask "so, do you want to go to school?" And he says, "no."  And that is it.

 

Ruth in NZ

 

This.

 

It helps that we are in an area with many homeschoolers and many choices in how to accomplish high school.  I was able to point out that most homeschool families I know use the dual enrollment option at local colleges and universities.  Mentioning that your child might be starting college classes at age 15 gives people something new to think about.  With just the right intonation and facial expression you might be able to imply that forcing children into public high school stifles their maturation and keeps them too tied to mama's apron strings (not that I believe that, by the way, but I'm okay with giving a quick smack down via nonverbal cues).

[AimeeM]

I'll be honest - I haven't had this problem. I've made it very, very clear (to family and friends) that our choices regarding this are off limits for comments unless they are of the supportive variety. With that said, we have a supportive family regarding these things. My mother was a SAHM and homeschooled us for a bit; my husband's father didn't quite understand homeschooling, but is supportive of me staying home (as my husband's mother did), and his questions weren't rude or intrusive - they were curious, and curious I don't mind a bit. 

I *have* had a number of curious questions, but nothing I consider intrusive or rude; nothing that I would consider as being someone wanting input in our parenting decisions. 

 

If a virtual stranger or mere acquaintance were to ask me questions like those you are receiving?

 

Her: "You ARE going to let them go to high school... right?"

Me: "Probably not; what we're doing works for us." (We have one in high school, at home, this year)

 

Done. I would probably walk away or, if I liked the person at least a bit, I would just change the subject.

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Very few homeschool in my area. Reactions to us homeschooling vary widely because of that. However, high school has been the biggie since DD wants to homeschopl high school. I just mention the groups she is part of, the curriculum we have access to and that it was a joint decision. We had to both be willing or it wouldn't happen. For some reason with family it also helps if I pull out the Spring Formal pics from the dance our homeschooling group held at our house in May.

[athomeontheprairie]

It really helped that our homeschool robotics teams smashed the dickens out of the local team from the gifted and talented class at school who had a year of experience in FLL and were a solid 3yrs+ older than all of our teammates.

We had a similar experience this year. And the fact that I was the coach, shut up a LOT of people when we beat the local gifted program

[RootAnn]

I tell every one "We take it year by year, day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute or second by second when we need to." I keep it light hearted when I say it...

 

I noticed some of the same uptick when my kids started to get older. I usually laugh and say, "We take it one year at a time & one kid at a time."

 

The rubber has hit the road & I got a lot more questions this spring & summer from family (siblings, aunts/uncles) and acquaintances about sending eldest to high school. I smiled at them & rather flippantly replied that she was doing very solidly in Algebra I, Spanish I, and Latin already. If she was around, she could chime in her opinion. Mostly, she wasn't, so I just added that she has no interest in going to the local high school & we're both willing to keep going at the whole homeschool thing since I haven't messed up too badly yet. (I can say this confidently enough since she took the ACT at the start of last year & did pretty darned good. I don't mention this to people IRL, but it makes me feel better.) 

 

So, for us, a little laughter, a lot of confidence, a kid who can honestly answer they don't want to go to the local high school, and some street cred in your back pocket is what seems to work.

 

I live in an area where sports is king & academics is a distant second. Opportunities for DE are hard to come by for everyone but we're going to do our best.

[...................]

Yes. Around here a lot if people do a two day per week homeschool private school and then transition to full time school for high school. Others transition earlier.

 

A LOT of older people in our church seem to think that we will transition to this same Christian school for high school. I guess they think everyone has 40k for two kids lying around? Or they don't understand that we love our lifestyle and our kids the way they are? And we love their homeschool friends?? Or that our kids will not have all the ugly peer pressure that school

Brings on? Or that most kids are temporarily or permanently changed and even ruined by the fake, age segregated, peer managed social structure?

 

Anyway... I just tell them that actually our kids will sort of skip high school altogether and transition to community college in about tenth or 11th grade.

 

Thankfully only one person has said "What about the PROM?" Because I would have a really hard time with hearing that one again. Hahahaha

[Chrysalis Academy]

I get this a lot, too. I even got questioned by dd9's 10 year old friend the other day. "You are going to send them to high school, right? You can't go to college without high school!"   :001_rolleyes:  In her case, I took a minute to explain that yes, you can go to college with out public school high school, and in fact, you can go to the JC instead of high school if you want to! I wonder what the dinner conversation was at her house that night!

 

But for more mature questioners, I do usually say that of course it's up to the girls and we take it year by year, but that their are so many options for kids to take ownership of their own education these days, between online classes and dual enrollment, that I didn't feel at all daunted by "homeschooling" high school and that I was going to give my girls the option to make the choice that's right for them.  If dd is around, I bring her into the conversation.  Her eyes get really wide and she shakes her head vigorously when asked if she wants to go to ps.  Nuff said.

[Soror]

We had a similar experience this year. And the fact that I was the coach, shut up a LOT of people when we beat the local gifted program

How funny! My husband and I co-coached, we were just hoping not to embarrass ourselves but doing really well and beating the local school was a nice bonus.

[JudoMom]

I always answered that we planned on homeschooling as long as it was working for our family, and we hoped that included high school.  I learned the art of saying this with a confident smile, and I learned the art of just answering matter of factly.  

My oldest is 16 now, we're still homeschooling, and one of the people who used to ask me regularly said recently "Well.  You said you wanted to homeschool through high school.  I guess you were serious."  :lol:

[Slojo]

Thanks for responses, everyone. I do want to engage folks respectfully, and answer legitimate questions. At the same time, I do personally find it offputting (not in a, it'll ruin the rest of my day kind of way) to assume someone who has clearly taken up such an undertaking, and has shown evidence of competence or commitment hasn't thought of the question that it took me five seconds, in a knee-jerk way, to conjure up. In the case of acquaintances, it's like asking nervously, "I hope you're saving up for retirement" if they happen to be talking about the new car they purchased. I may be hoping they've saved up for retirement, but the concern is misplaced in the context of the conversation we are having, and, quite frankly, our casual relationship. I may indeed be curious about how the family with eight kids is going to pay for college, but, gosh, maybe I might want to invest some time in a friendship with the parents before I feel like it's anywhere near appropriate for me to entertain my curiosity.  

 

I actually think about high school a lot, but, no, I haven't quite worked out all of the details when my oldest is 9. My child still needs most of my energies focused on being the mom of a nine-year old. In the case of friends, I do get that they are curious and perhaps concerned, but I wish they'd say so directly and with a bit more "mutual respect" as they would on almost any other issue, and not in veiled "nervousness". Or else it can come off like they don't trust that I will be as thoughtful as 1) I actually have been to date and 2) they themselves want to be credited as being. We all need help and support as parents, for sure. And we all could use some guidance from time to time, particularly if our DC are having a rough time academically, socially, emotionally, etc... Maybe I should more directly say, "Sounds like you are concerned about what happens in high school. I share the concern and certainly take my kids' futures seriously. It is very possible to home school through high school -- and at this point, I have several models that I can follow, but mostly, at that point, the relationship and the decision-making changes, and more responsibility and ownership is taken on by the child. I don't know yet what kind of teen M will be, and whether he will choose to continue homeschooling or not, but I do hope he takes ownership of his education in a way that honors his gifts and talents. We plan to support him either way it goes.  How you begun to make high school plans for your seven year old (;-)? (Sorry, that was a bit of my subtle sarcasm.)"

 

 

 

[73349]

People have asked me this, too, and DS is 7. I answer truthfully that we'll look at all the options when he's in 7th grade.

 

I omit the fact that there will have to be some impressive changes in the options that are currently available before we seriously consider anything besides homeschooling.

 

Right now, he has no wish to get on the bus that comes when he's eating Second Breakfast in his PJs and keep at it until it's almost time to start cooking dinner.

[Arcadia]

While we do intend to put our kids in private high schools if its a good fit, we tell strangers/acquaintances that we are putting them in community college (dual enrollment) for high school. Somehow that stops the questions.

 

For close friends and family, they are worried about socialisation and college application equally. Since kids are in a handful of outside activities, extended family is now less worried about socialisation. For college application, they would worry until kids are matriculated freshmen regardless of whether kids are homeschool, private or public school. Extended family worries for all the kids so its not like mine are singled out because of homeschooling.

[J-rap]

If it's someone who respects what we do well enough and has sincere questions, I'm happy to engage them and answer their quesetions.

 

If they're just trying to tell us what to do or bluntly imply that homeschooling is a poor decision after a certain age, I just politely reply with something like,  "Well, we each make our own decisions."  And change the subject.

 

 

 

 

[G5052]

I will say, also, that in general the older population doesn't "get" homeschooling. Think of it from their perspective. In their day (1940's, 1950's, 1960's) public school was billed as the cure-all for every societal illness. It was the all-American thing to do, right next to baseball and apple pie. And I suppose that in those days, compared to days earlier, it really was. But it started to change in the 70's, 80's, and beyond. Today's school experience would be completely unrecognizable to those who are wistful of public education back in their day, kwim? So with that in mind, I try to be gracious when older people object to homeschooling, because they honestly just don't fully understand why anyone would turn away from this awesome thing called public education.

 

Honestly I got to the point that I didn't even engage after awhile with anyone if they got combative. Naturally I tried to educate, but I decided early on that I would never let it escalate.

 

I got it from neighbors, relatives, acquaintance, and coworkers (I'm a community college professor). After awhile I developed a thick skin.

 

People largely don't know what they're talking about when it comes to homeschooling. I do what I can, but I'm not going to argue about it.

 

Thankfully we've always had supportive primary doctors and other medical professionals.

 

It's tough to not feel violated when people question such a personal decision, but change in some people only comes over time if at all.

 

A story. Once I was sitting in a waiting room at a gymnastics studio, waiting for my own kids. And repeatedly there was a mom there who would rant against homeschoolers with her friend. It was downright ugly. After awhile I just couldn't take it any more, so I introduced myself and said, "I've heard you really putting down homeschoolers. Well, I happen to be one and am very happy with our choice. Just as people of color or certain ethic backgrounds are offended when they are put down, so am I offended with how you are talking about a choice my family has made. I need to ask you not to do that again in my presence."

 

She had nothing to say, and thankfully I never heard her talking to her friend again about homeschoolers. Did she change? I doubt it, but at least she knows that what she was doing was wrong.

[Sahamamama]

Secondly, I am curious if others (and I'm sure there are) have gotten an uptick in "homeschooling concerns" after a period of relative quiet when your kids were younger but increasing comments as your DC have begun approaching middle or high school?  And if so, what was the nature of the "concern" and how did you respond?

 

Yes. My father has always been in the "When are you going to put them in a real school?" camp, but our other family and friends have been supportive. However, when my oldest started 4th last year, I noticed an uptick, as you put it, in the "How long do you plan to do this?" comments, even from some who had previously said very little about our decisions.

 

I actually find that the best approach (for me) is to just not discuss homeschooling with most people (offline), at all. That is to say, I am not the person who ever brings it up, unless I happen to sense that there is an openness to it. With most people, it seems best to avoid the subject altogether. When they do bring it up -- "Where do the kids go to school?" and the like -- the best approach seems to be to exude enormous confidence and competence, even if I have to act. LOL. Most people don't want to mess with the Mama Bear Who Knows What's Best for Her Cubs. KWIM? :lol:

 

When I say "confidence and competence," I don't mean having an arrogant or self-righteous spirit. I'm neither attacking another person's position, nor defending my own. They are free in Christ to do as they do, and I am free in Christ to do as I do. But since I know that God has given me a rightful and sacred authority over my children, and since I know that He has called me to this ministry for this season, and since I know that He is equipping us to carry out the tasks to which He's called us -- because of these things, I know that He is faithful and will help us every day.

 

I do think that many, many people -- sometimes even those close to us -- have very little clue as to what homeschooling is for us and what it can (and can't) accomplish. I've had people say to me, "Oh, great! You homeschool? That's great! It's so much better than public school." And they are surprised when I very honestly tell them, "Actually, it isn't always better. It's only better if it is better, not just because the children are not in school. Okay. What else is happening? It is what you make of it." :huh: Then I proceed to tell them how much work it is, and what we do, and how hard we work. They walk away in silent admiration.....

 

I heard of a homeschool mom who was asked about her highschooler, "What will you do about math? Who will teach Algebra? They can't get into college without Algebra." The mom replied, "I know, I know! We have an opening for a Math teacher. Would you like to apply?" The person who had asked the question was terrible at math, so she shut right up. LOL.

 

I just thought that was funny. I'm saving it for a rainy day. BTW, I absolutely LOVED your sarcastic repertoire. I am saving those for another rainy day. :hurray:

[RootAnn]

Slojo - If people are acquaintances, I answer the way I posted earlier. Enjaging them on any other level is encouraging them to continue to comment on our choices or continue to question us. I try to politely shut that down. No sign of weakness shown.

 

If people asking are close friends or family*, I usually question them first before answering. I want to know exactly what they are asking before I launch into any sort of explanation. They usually don't know exactly what they are asking and get flustered way before I do. Usually, that keeps them from asking stupid questions again.

 

*I put family & then I realized that none of my family who really knows us act this way. My mom & DH's dad get straight answers to questions. My mom, for all her faults, is 100% behind us with homeschooling. FIL doesn't believe in homeschooling at all, but has grudgingly admitted that it is okay for us because apparently we are doing a good job raising his grandkids.  :lol:  My sibs and other relatives usually get the flippant answer or the continued question-drilling.

[Sahamamama]

I will say, also, that in general the older population doesn't "get" homeschooling. Think of it from their perspective. In their day (1940's, 1950's, 1960's) public school was billed as the cure-all for every societal illness. It was the all-American thing to do, right next to baseball and apple pie. And I suppose that in those days, compared to days earlier, it really was. But it started to change in the 70's, 80's, and beyond. Today's school experience would be completely unrecognizable to those who are wistful of public education back in their day, kwim? So with that in mind, I try to be gracious when older people object to homeschooling, because they honestly just don't fully understand why anyone would turn away from this awesome thing called public education.

 

:iagree:  Agree 100%. My parents are 83 and 80, so they were in school in the late 1930s and through the 1940s. Talk about nostalgia! But even they realize that some of the methods used in their day were not the best (e.g., look-say), and I think that most of them realize that today's schools are not the same as yesterday's schools. Even so, Karen is right -- they don't "get" homeschooling.

 

I've noticed how every time there's something negative that comes out of the public school system -- another report on the failures, school violence, a lock-down, some stupid rule in my niece's or nephew's schools, or whatever -- my mother is so enthusiastic about us homeschooling. :) "Well, it's a good thing you homeschool your kids, or they would be stuck with that stupidity all day."

 

I usually say, "Right. Instead they are stuck with me all day, and for that you should be glad?" [This was after my niece and all her bus mates were marked TARDY because the bus driver was late getting the kids to school. Every parent had to file a formal request to have the tardy taken off the record. Stupidity.]

[Bluegoat]

I do get this more as my kids get older.  I have never found it bothersome.  Depending on the context, I either say that we take it a year at a time, or I might discuss their thoughts.  It usually seems like when people say this it is really because they see complications with high school, and actually I agree, it is more complicated.  And also, I think potentially there can be more significant benefits to high school  - a really great teacher or a good school can really offer things to a child that their parent probably can't.  I've always felt like homeschooling high school means weighing a lot more potential pros and cons than earlier years.  People often do wonder about accreditation as well - and that is despite the fact that it seems much easier for homeschoolers to apply to university here in Canada than in the US. 

 

So I'm quite happy to tell people these things if they are interested.

 

I suspect the "you have to let them go sometime" comment comes out of some exposure to a particular reason or type of person who homeschools.  I have seen people who seem to mostly want to shield their kids from outside influences, or see homeschooling as a way to maintain family closeness.  I can see why people would think that the attempt to shield kids or keep them close all the time would naturally tend to be less important in the last few years before they go off on their own.  They probably have some vision of people like the Duggars who seem really concerned about control, even if they think that is extreme.  A lot of people feel that in early years that's developmentally appropriate, but it is bad when it goes on till they get married. 

 

 

[Dmmetler]

The last person who asked that around my DD got a 15 minute tirade on why she plans to skip high school and do early college. I admit to letting it go on longer than I might have if it hadn't been a particular family member who questions each stage of HSing while admitting to know nothing about what their DC actually do in the local PS.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[dragonflyer]

I always just say that we decide one year at a time.  If the conversation needs to be more serious, I will add that I will have to see what the options are and what my children want when we get there.

[AdventuresinHomeschooling]

Our new pediatrician kept peppering me with questions a few weeks ago, and some well meaning family members have asked about high school. In all honesty, I am not certain what I will do for each of my kids. They are all different and have different goals. My oldest is going into fourth, and I think at this point, we will likely go through eighth for him, at least. However, I don't know what district we will be in or what charter schools or co ops will be available. So a simple, "we'll see" should be more than sufficient for acquaintances. We take each year as it comes.

 

On a side note, I was homeschooled through high school and took all my courses at a co op. Most of the transcripts were pretty easy. I never recall doing course descriptions, and I received a diploma and scholarships to college. I took the PSAT and ACT. It really wasn't too difficult fir my parents and I to navigate, and I graduated a year early. I also had a prom and graduation ceremony at co op. I begged my parents to let me go there because my friends were there, and I hated the private school I was attending in eighth grade. So who is to assume the social aspect of high school is better elsewhere? It doesn't have to be some huge scary thing. I was able to work 30 hours a week my senior year and learned a lot. The schedule better prepared me for college. All of those social events were waiting for me in college, and I went on to get graduate degrees. There's no one size fits all for anyone, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise just because they can't understand something.

[Tess in the Burbs]

our dentist is pretty vocal about how important middle school is to kids and how I am ruining mine by homeschooling.  And I am a horrible mom for not putting fluoride on their teeth either.  But the homeschooling is worse than skipping fluoride.  I dread seeing him every time.  I remember middle school.  It wasn't good on any side you look at it.  Even all these years later. 

[RootAnn]

 I dread seeing him every time.

 

Wow! I would switch dentists. Do you live in a really small town where you have no dentist choices? I live in a small farming community & we have two dentists in town. However, our good dentist became a pediatric dentist in the Big City (1+ hrs away), so I drive them there now. The other good dentist retired, so DH & I now drive 30 minutes to another small town to get our teeth cleaned by someone who really gets them clean. No way would I put up with that from someone I'm paying.

[abba12]

our dentist is pretty vocal about how important middle school is to kids and how I am ruining mine by homeschooling.  And I am a horrible mom for not putting fluoride on their teeth either.  But the homeschooling is worse than skipping fluoride.  I dread seeing him every time.  I remember middle school.  It wasn't good on any side you look at it.  Even all these years later. 

 

That's like my friend, he insists that they HAVE to go to middle school! When I ask why, one of his biggest points is that middle school is when kids start paring up and having ' boyfriends and girlfriends'. Religious convictions aside, that would be one of the good reasons for us NOT sending them. 12yos don't need boyfriends or girlfriends tyvm. I think it's just a push for everyone to have the same experiences. It's not like a child at home WONT develop, form an identity and have experiences to remember. It doesn't turn into a black void of nothingness if they don't go to school. It's just DIFFERENT, and different is scary to people who are typical. 

[MinivanMom]

I didn't start getting questions until my oldest started middle school, and then it was intense. I didn't feel like it was judgment of us or homeschooling so much as it was genuine concern over whether our kids had a choice in homeschooling and whether they had the opportunity to develop relationships outside our family. I think this is naturally a greater concern with teens who are needing to develop autonomy and spend more time with peers. Unfortunately, there is another homeschooler within my social circle who is homeschooling an unwilling, unhappy teenager. The teen, who is a lovely girl, was devastated over not being allowed to attend high school. I think the situation has colored the views of some of our mutual friends when it comes to homeschooling teens.

 

When people ask or make comments, I just tell them that we gave our oldest the option to go to middle school, but she wasn't interested because it would cut into her time for x, y, and z social activities. In one fell swoop, I answer the concern about her agency in the decision to home school and the concern over whether she has social contact beyond our family. If they ask about high school, I just say that I don't know what our daughter is going to decide. That answer seems to satisfy most people.

[snickerplum]

Someone : "Do you plan on homeschooling through high school?"

Me : "That's the plan." (Said with a big smile and a head nod.)

That's it.

[MerryAtHope]

So, I actually don't get a lot of flack from acquaintances or family on homeschooling my DC (ages 9, 7, and 2 - relevant for this topic). But, I have been getting a few comments in the last couple of months from people who are definitely in the "well, it's probably okay up til a certain point, but you're going to definitely put them in school for high school, right?" camp. I'm trying to figure out what the flip is up with the concern or comment. The comments have been anything from: "Well, you know you have to let them go and grow up at some point..."  "You'll let them decide by high school, right (always with a bit of nervous "please tell me the answer is yes" in their voice)?"

 

 

"We're taking it year by year." (no need to discuss my whole life plan).

 

"Ha! As if I could keep them from growing up!"

 

"We enjoy homeschooling and all the opportunities we get that the kids would miss otherwise."

 

"You know, it's interesting that you noticed how well-behaved they are and connected that with school. We do think that the method of schooling has a lot to do with how well socialized kids are. With homeschooling, my kids get to interact with people of all ages from the very young to the very old--it's so much more like the 'real world' than being in a room with 30 people the same age!"

 

"Oh, our school choice has nothing to do with fears about 'letting go!'"

 

Personally, I let the level of relationship govern the level of response. Short responses for casual acquaintances, longer responses for people who really and truly are interested. For the concerned friend or relative filled with fear, I found that a response such as, "That's something to think about" can go a long way. I used that for 2-3 years with my mom (a public school teacher), biding my time for a good opportunity to come up. One day she started to mention negative peer pressure & how high teen pregnancy rates were, drug rates, alcoholism, bullying, and other typical student struggles, and I simply said, "That's socialization" with no sarcasm, and a light bulb went off. (Her main concern had always been socialization for the K-8 years, but academics as they get older). She started to consider the other perspective, and watched for a few years, then liked the results.

 

Then one day she told about a girl she had taught as a teen mom, and now the girl's daughter was 13, and the young woman wanted to pull her daughter out of school because of sexual incidents happening on the bus (and I'll spare the details, but...wow). My mom and the school nurse were terribly concerned about the daughter's education, and thought I would likewise be appalled about a mom with only a high school education thinking about homeschooling high school. I said I thought it was a good idea. Test scores for homeschool students of parents who have only a high school education are not much different than those with higher degrees, but even more important--here was a mom who wanted a different outcome for her daughter and saw a chance to make that happen. A lot could be made up at community college if things went very poorly, but teen pregnancy, STD's and so on are things with a life-long impact. 

 

Secondly, I am curious if others (and I'm sure there are) have gotten an uptick in "homeschooling concerns" after a period of relative quiet when your kids were younger but increasing comments as your DC have begun approaching middle or high school?  And if so, what was the nature of the "concern" and how did you respond? I like hearing responses from others - it helps me think of what to say or how I'd like to respond in the future. And if your DC are older high school students - how do they respond on their own behalf, or do they say anything at all?  My kids are still in that "shy" stage - they would never direct respond to an adult or peer who made a challenging comment about homeschooling (and, at 9 and 7, I don't think they need to). They would definitely defer to me, and I'm always trying to be conscientious about what I am modeling for them. 

 

 

Yes, I saw that happen. By then, though, it didn't bother me (or my kids) as much. Around mid to late elementary school, my daughter used to revel in saying "I don't go to school" when people asked. Adults usually got it immediately, but kids would be stumped, in awe, and wondering how they could get in on that deal! Sometimes the dentist would say stupid things, but just as often, we had adults affirming them being homeschooled, which helped. 

 

I made a habit of making my kids converse with adults from a young age. If they wanted to ask a question of a tour guide, get a pool towel at a hotel, get a different toy in their happy meal--they had to ask or deal without it. I would go with them, even help them get started, but they had to talk. I think that went a long way towards giving them confidence in talking with adults who might ask them about homeschool. 

 

As for the questions I got, I let the level of relationship govern the level of response. Short responses for casual acquaintances, longer responses for people who really and truly are interested. For the concerned friend or relative filled with fear, I found that a response such as, "That's something to think about" can go a long way. I used that for 2-3 years with my mom (a public school teacher), biding my time for a good opportunity to come up. One day she started to mention negative peer pressure & how high teen pregnancy rates were, drug rates, alcoholism, bullying, and other typical student struggles, and I simply said, "That's socialization" with no sarcasm, and a light bulb went off. (Her main concern had always been socialization for the K-8 years, but academics as they get older). She started to consider the other perspective, and watched for a few years, then liked the results. 

 

Then one day she told about a girl she had taught as a teen mom, and now the girl's daughter was 13, and the young woman wanted to pull her daughter out of school because of sexual incidents happening on the bus (and I'll spare the details, but...wow). My mom and the school nurse were terribly concerned about the daughter's education, and thought I would likewise be appalled about a mom with only a high school education thinking about homeschooling high school. I said I thought it was a good idea. Test scores for homeschool students of parents who have only a high school education are not much different than those with higher degrees, but even more important--here was a mom who wanted a different outcome for her daughter and saw a chance to make that happen. A lot could be made up at community college if things went very poorly, but teen pregnancy, STD's and so on are things with a life-long impact. 

 

People would ask things like, "But what about testing?" 

 

"Homeschooled kids can take standardized tests." 

 

"What about sports?"

 

"If my kids are really interested in sports, we'll talk about it. We have lots of opportunities now....

 

"What about ..." (xyz extra curricular activity)

 

Over the years, my kids have taken art classes, music classes, been in orchestra, taken archery lessons, tennis lessons, swim lessons, done PE classes at the Y, ballet, coach's pitch, plays, science classes at an awesome children's museum (my oldest got to dissect a shark!), participate in science fairs...if they had an interest, I found a way to make it happen or do something similar. But really...it's just as true that kids don't NEED to be busy busy busy with activities all the time and that it takes time spent in imaginative pursuits, and I made sure we didn't have too much going on at once. 

 

"What about prom?" 

 

Really? LOL! Neither of my kids have interest--but if they did, there are groups that organize dances or prom alternatives, or they could actually go to the local high school prom (it's not like high school kids aren't allowed in!)

 

"What about socialization?" (love this one, which usually follows a compliment about kid behavior)

 

"You know, socializing and socialization are really not the same thing. But, as you just saw when my child talked to you/their friend/that other adult over there, they do like to socialize and have lots of opportunities for that." 

 

"What about college?"

 

"Many schools actively pursue home schooled students...."

 

And so on.

 

Often I stave off questions or did the redirect--"We really enjoy homeschooling. The other day, we were reading this awesome book about...." or "The other day, we did this great project on..." 

 

People can't argue with enjoyment, and proactively sharing something of interest provides either a point of connection or a demonstration that you are tuned in to academic needs.

[lewelma]

I will say, however, that highschool is really hard to plan for and teach.  I am swamped!  

[...................]

What a random thing for a DENTIST to think is any of his business.

 

If anything I bet your home lunches are healthier than school lunches, and therefore, better for teeth.

Our old pediatrician in FL always had some negatives and extra questions. But fast forward and the poor guy went through some hard times with his son already in middle school. Meanwhile my kids thank God were so happy and respectful and he had been seeing them for so many years that he ended up being all for it before we left. Although of course I do not attribute all my kids do well to homeschooling nor are all his kids' troubles due to school, but I do like to think we accidentally and coincidentally changed his mind and created a more positive atmosphere for those who come after.

 

 

He was not as vocal as this dentist though. His was more of an academic view of that matter, and he was a very Sharp and Intelligent doctor worth keeping :)

[G5052]

our dentist is pretty vocal about how important middle school is to kids and how I am ruining mine by homeschooling.  And I am a horrible mom for not putting fluoride on their teeth either.  But the homeschooling is worse than skipping fluoride.  I dread seeing him every time.  I remember middle school.  It wasn't good on any side you look at it.  Even all these years later. 

 

Middle school?

 

Nearly everyone I know hated middle school. My aunt who was a teacher had to teach in middle school for two years when they returned from overseas because it was the only place with positions in their town. She said that it was the worst two years of her career.

 

Nearly everyone I know who planned to send their kids to the classroom after homeschooling did it in high school, partly because the high schools are not good about transferring in homeschool credits. And most did it for music and/or athletics. I can only think of a few who did it for other reasons.

[SebastianCat]

We live in an area where there are a lot of homeschoolers, so we have many, many options.   I get curious comments all the time, but only once in 9 years have I encountered someone truly hostile to homeschooling.    We have definitely noticed the level of questioning has gone up about our intentions for high school, but in general, most people who ask are truly just curious.   I always try to give answers to show that yes, we are well informed about the options available, and in most cases tend to be much more knowledgeable about the subject than the person asking the question.

 

Honestly, our plan used to be to that we would homeschool through middle school, then send our kids to high school.   This year is the year we'll make that decision for our oldest, but as of right now, I see no benefit whatsoever to sending either of our kids to public high school.   Our social opportunities through co-ops, sports, class providers, music, and church are much better if we continue to homeschool, and the academic options are equal or better if we homeschool.   We have multiple options for outsourcing classes, plus DE options as early as 10th grade.  Several friends have children who homeschooled and graduated high school with their AA degree already completed.   We even have a homeschool homecoming, homeschool prom, and both local and statewide homeschool graduations in which we could participate.

 

In our state, high school is almost an "all or nothing" situation.   While you could start out in public school for 9th grade, then decide to homeschool for the remainder of high school, you cannot start out homeschooling in 9th grade, then transfer any credits to a public high school.   So it's definitely a decision we take very seriously, but at this point my current 8th grader says he wants to homeschool through high school, while my current 6th grader wants to "try" school when she gets to high school.   

[KrissiK]

I noticed some of the same uptick when my kids started to get older. I usually laugh and say, "We take it one year at a time & one kid at a time.".

This! And it's happening now. I always assumed we would for sure homeschool through 8th grade and then re-evaluate. Well, last winter my 6th grader (who had always been hard to educate) was really giving me flack. His behaviour was affecting all of us. He is the oldest in the family. One of the oldest kids in our church and one of the oldest on our block. He was showing us signs that he really needed some interaction with kids his own age. And his behaviour was also showing us (and his therapist agrees) that he needed me to be only mom, not mom and teacher. So, he's starting at a parochial school tomorrow. My second boy, we may end up homeschooling him through high school. My oldest daughter.... if DS does well in this school, she may go there next year as a fifth grader. So, it's all up in the air with us. My kids have never been easy to educate. They don't take a lot of interest in academic. They rarely read for fun. They're all pretty smart, but for some reason.... I don't know, they aren't really in to school.

[Mommy22alyns]

Now that ODD has hit 7th grade, I'm waiting for the condescending, "Well, it was cute for elementary school, but you're going to get serious and send them to school now, right?  RIGHT???"  

 

Sometimes I think that anti-homeschoolers lack imagination.  They look at something and dismiss it immediately as "too hard."  We can see the possibilities - let's Google it, let's YouTube it, let's ask others who have been there, let's see what resources there are on Amazon or Pinterest, etc.

 

 

And when will I let them go?  When they're ready, likely around 18 or so.  Why would I be kicking a 10 and 12 year old out of the "nest" (shelter)?  Some people think 3 year olds should be dropped off and left to fend for themselves.  I happen to feel differently.  I didn't have kids so I could get rid of them as soon as possible.  JMO.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Now that ODD has hit 7th grade, I'm waiting for the condescending, "Well, it was cute for elementary school, but you're going to get serious and send them to school now, right? RIGHT???"

 

Sometimes I think that anti-homeschoolers lack imagination. They look at something and dismiss it immediately as "too hard." We can see the possibilities - let's Google it, let's YouTube it, let's ask others who have been there, let's see what resources there are on Amazon or Pinterest, etc.

 

 

And when will I let them go? When they're ready, likely around 18 or so. Why would I be kicking a 10 and 12 year old out of the "nest" (shelter)? Some people think 3 year olds should be dropped off and left to fend for themselves. I happen to feel differently. I didn't have kids so I could get rid of them as soon as possible. JMO.

I'm a lifetime hs'er but I don't believe that three year olds in childcare settings are fending for themselves, or that parents who choose public school are getting rid of their children in any way (or that they want to).

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm a lifetime hs'er but I don't believe that three year olds in childcare settings are fending for themselves, or that parents who choose public school are getting rid of their children in any way (or that they want to).

 

 

My intent was not to come off that harshly.  You put words in my mouth. I said SOME people think... about the 3 year olds.  Some parents DO feel this way, but not all of them, obviously.  I've been seeing plenty of "School's back in, let's celebrate!" posts on FB lately.  And it's certainly not unheard of for people to express hopes of "getting their life back" after graduating their kids and sending them off to college.

[EKT]

 

Sometimes I think that anti-homeschoolers lack imagination.  They look at something and dismiss it immediately as "too hard."  We can see the possibilities - let's Google it, let's YouTube it, let's ask others who have been there, let's see what resources there are on Amazon or Pinterest, etc.

 

 

This is exactly what I was going to say! I swear the school model has become so ingrained in our society that many people seem literally incapable of imagining alternative ways of living and learning.

 

Example question I've encountered: "How do your children make friends outside of school?!"

Answer: "Uh, they LIVE in the WORLD and talk to people they meet through sports, clubs, activities, co-op, family, the neighborhood, etc., etc." 

 

I honestly think people ask these ridiculous questions because homeschooling is so foreign to them that they can't conceptualize other ways of living. It's kind of sad!

[Mrs. B]

What I would like to say when faced with that question:

 

"Well, I could hold on them for 4 extra years from age 14-18 and teach them to budget, not burn holes in the pockets, cook from scratch, garden, run a business, raise a family, run a household, do handy man work around the house, get them involved in community politics, teach basic auto care, advise on dating wisely and respectfully (NO, I WILL NOT GO ON THE DATES!), get them extra lessons or training in areas of their giftings that may benefit a future career path, and have them use their time and resources productively. All the while, giving them social freedoms, a variety of choices, and increasing independence. Maybe then, somewhere around 18-20 they will be ready to act as full fledged adults and not need to return to the nest come age 25. I would guess this would likely be the result, depending on the child's maturity. It could also be a flop!

 

Or I could let go of them at age 14. I could allow their peers to be the main influence of their spending habits, dating advice, time management, and life after high school goals all in the name of independence. Maybe they will have great teachers, great friends, and I will still be able to do the mentioned things I would do in the homeschool option above. Maybe, somewhere around age 18-20 they will be ready to act as full fledged adults and not need to return to the nest come age 25. I would guess this happens frequently with involved parents who send their children to high school. I know and have known several high school students who have thrived in that scenerio. But the chance may be a tad higher that letting them go at 14 vs 18 will create a person not as equipped to keep their head above water once the bachelor's degree is in hand and the $100,000 or so school loan debt comes due with no clue on how to manage everyday logistics of life. Then again, they may do just fine!"

 

What I actually say when faced with that question:

 

"We are just looking at it year by year at the moment, and will need to reassess all options and consider all angles when that time comes. I am certain they will miss out on something great if I keep them home just as they would miss out on something great if I send them off to school at 14. I just hope to set them up for success either way."

[LMD]

Yes I've had the questions too. I do my overly enthusiastic shtick, "I'm so excited to teach highschool, I think that is where homeschooling really comes into its own!"

For family who know we're not idiots but are also not wavering our decisions, I'll go into some of the pros. They seem satisfied.

[luuknam]

Wrt letting them go...

 

"Well, I'm preparing my kids for adulthood and independence, and I'll use whatever methods seem most appropriate at any given time with any kid of mine to get them to that goal".

 

I might throw in a bit about possibly sending them to do a year of highschool abroad (I did a year of high school in rural Thailand as an exchange student), and of course DE/early college. And I might point out this was the second year that C, who turned 8 today, has been to a weeklong sleepaway camp from the YMCA.

 

I haven't actually had that specific question yet though. My elderly neighbor was telling me the other day about her daughter, who was a school teacher, and one of the moms took her kid out to homeschool, and then at some point returned the kid to the school because it was just too much to always have her kid around. So, I just nodded, and said "yes, I can return/send my kids to school if things don't work out" (this will be C's first homeschool year, and B's never been to school). And that was the end of that topic.

 

If anybody comes up with the brilliant plan to ask me about socialization, I'll just point at myself and say "I was public schooled from pre-K to 12, and look how well *that* worked out".

[BlsdMama]

I have a kiddo who got a full ride to the state flagship and another starting community college this fall at 16.... it doesn't do a lot to alleviate homeschool comments oddly. Truthfully, most people are not genuinely interested in hearing your response, they are more interested in giving you theirs. Try to weigh which person you're talking to so you don't frustrate yourself.

 

At this point I would say, "We will make that decision when we get there certainly." Then honestly? I'd ask them a question about them and deflect. ;) Now if a person has a GENUINE interest in discussing homeschooling through high school I'd LOVE to have that conversation but that is incredibly rare.

[NittanyJen]

One of my son's DOCTORS said to me, in front of him, "Well you ARE putting him into a proper high school, or at least joining an umbrella to tell you what to do, aren't you?  There is no way you are qualified to teach high school, and then he'll never accomplish anything."

 

Needless to say, I answered him all right.  Then I fired him.  We're looking elsewhere to cover that medical issue.  He was clearly not qualified to interact appropriately with us.