Helicopter parents at orientation

[TravelingChris]

We attended orientation last week and saw some fine examples of helicoptering parents.   One parent asked about curfews and bed checks ---- no, they don't happen.    ANother one asked how she can get her daughter to join a sorority (she wants that for her daughter) since she is a soccer player.   THese were all the student session where we got to ask the students.  My dh was so annoyed with the endless questions about specifics of rushing and frats/sororities that he asked about opportunities to meet or get mentored by professors.  THe students lit up on that question which they wanted to answer.  THe deal with the Greek organizations was that there would be a breakout session that you could attend about that.  The over 50% of students who weren't interested in joining and their parents would be spared from the agony of endless repeat questions about rushing/Greek life.   

 

The academic dean gave a lecture how students are monitored for progress and how the college addresses shortfalls/   It was very detailed and included the warning not to write to kid's professors or call them to change grades.  SHe warned that if you call the deans, they will first ask how is your student resolving the issue.  They are adults and need to be responsible for themselves but some parents can't let go.

 

THe good parent questions were about local transportation, events on and off campus,   opportunities for service and internships, storage questions, etc.   

[Hoggirl]

Not an orientation, but at an Honors Day Convocation, a mom asked what the college did to supervise kids in all the free time they had since they were only in class 15 - 18 hours per week!

[OneStepAtATime]

When my parents dropped me off at the dorms for the first time, Dad did shout "Man on the floor" which caused a lot of kids to stick their heads out to see why this particular man was important.   :lol:   Other than that, they left me to do my thing and trusted that if I needed help I would ask.  Looking back I am really grateful I had their unspoken support and belief in my ability to navigate the waters of college without micromanagement (from afar or on campus).  :)

[TranquilMind]

We attended orientation last week and saw some fine examples of helicoptering parents.   One parent asked about curfews and bed checks ---- no, they don't happen.    ANother one asked how she can get her daughter to join a sorority (she wants that for her daughter) since she is a soccer player.   THese were all the student session where we got to ask the students.  My dh was so annoyed with the endless questions about specifics of rushing and frats/sororities that he asked about opportunities to meet or get mentored by professors.  THe students lit up on that question which they wanted to answer.  THe deal with the Greek organizations was that there would be a breakout session that you could attend about that.  The over 50% of students who weren't interested in joining and their parents would be spared from the agony of endless repeat questions about rushing/Greek life.   

 

The academic dean gave a lecture how students are monitored for progress and how the college addresses shortfalls/   It was very detailed and included the warning not to write to kid's professors or call them to change grades.  SHe warned that if you call the deans, they will first ask how is your student resolving the issue.  They are adults and need to be responsible for themselves but some parents can't let go.

 

THe good parent questions were about local transportation, events on and off campus,   opportunities for service and internships, storage questions, etc.   

That's hilarious about the bed checks.  :)

 

In many other countries, college students are completely adults and parents don't attend any orientation and are not involved in any way.  That seems more normal to me. 

[8filltheheart]

That's hilarious about the bed checks.  :)

 

In many other countries, college students are completely adults and parents don't attend any orientation and are not involved in any way.  That seems more normal to me. 

 

We don't go to orientation.  We are the types of parents that believe they can figure it out on their own.  Our kids (with the exception of our Aspie) are on complete auto pilot by the time they graduate from high school.

[Junie]

Yes, I think that the students (for the most part) should be able to navigate on their own.  However, My name is Junie and I am a Helicopter Parent. :)  

 

My ds will be going to college early (probably age 16), so I do plan to help him out with some of the questions that need to be asked -- but I plan to teach him the who, what, where, when, and why about this.  For instance, don't ask a question in a group that would only impact you or a very small percentage of that group.  Don't ask any question that is answered on the website.

 

Will I ask questions on his behalf?  Probably, because he has a very shy personality and would not ask questions even if they are extremely important.  (We're working on this, but it is a process.  Maybe he will be there in two years?  Fingers crossed.)

 

Dd12 has a very different personality and I have no doubt that she would be able to handle orientation on her own.

 

[happypamama]

Not an orientation, but at an Honors Day Convocation, a mom asked what the college did to supervise kids in all the free time they had since they were only in class 15 - 18 hours per week!

Really?! Oh, that poor kid!

[creekland]

We were at a pre-orientation (sign up for classes and meet your advisor type of thing) for oldest son and one mom there REFUSED to let her daughter talk with her advisor by herself.  Hubby and I wondered if mom was planning on setting up and attending all her classes too - and nightly phone calls to see that homework was being done, etc.

 

I feel for kids in these situations.  It has to be embarrassing to them.

[Starr]

I think some of this is due to college costing so much money. A lot is at stake if they don't get the right classes and get through in 4 years, flunk a semester etc. I never went to orientation. I sent my friend with dd and went off on vacation. haha  I do go over questions to ask professors and how to fill out forms  and all that fun stuff. 

 

I almost cried for a dad I didn't even know. He dropped his ds off at college and was ready to go. He was hugging that boy and tears were streaming down his face. It's so hard and people deal with it in different ways.

[Laura Corin]

 

In many other countries, college students are completely adults and parents don't attend any orientation and are not involved in any way.  That seems more normal to me. 

 

Yes.  I took Calvin to university, helped him to get his stuff to his room, we had a quick hug, then I went away.  The first year students arrived a week early (Freshers Week) and had a variety of activities that week, but there were no sessions for parents.

[TranquilMind]

Yes.  I took Calvin to university, helped him to get his stuff to his room, we had a quick hug, then I went away.  The first year students arrived a week early (Freshers Week) and had a variety of activities that week, but there were no sessions for parents.

I know.  Still sad though.  Did you cry when you left?  I know I did when I left the first one and I'll be doing it again soon.   :(

[AK_Mom4]

DS23 and DD21 got on a plane with their gear (backpack for DS and suitcase and instrument for DD) all by themselves and headed off to college.  We said our goodbyes curbside at the airport.

 

Since I drove DS19 to school, he did get the benefit of having mom help him get his computer gear set up and a free run to the grocery store for survival rations before I left.  Oh, and we did the walk-around tour of campus because it was such a nice day and I had a long drive home so wanted to stretch my legs a bit.

 

I don't understand the hovering parents at college stuff, either.

[Tenaj]

My kids go to college locally  - about 10 minutes down the road.  I had no plans to attend the orientation weekend at all when they were freshmen but was made to feel ridiculously guilty when I realized that even the parents on staff or faculty at the college (my dh is on staff) attend all the orientation sessions!  It was crazy but they literally followed their kids around the campus to all the meetings even though they actually work at the same college!    I went to one session just because I felt guilty and it was specifically indicated as an important meeting for all.  It was o.k. but really was a chapel service designed to make all the parents and freshman cry :( !  It even worked on me and my kids were living at home! 

 

I'll have another freshman soon . . . no orientation for me.  I am orientated :)

 

Adding:  I'm sure that not all the faculty and staff did this but I know that several that I knew did and I don't know many on campus at all.  

[TravelingChris]

Margaret, I didn't mean you at all.  

 

[Laura Corin]

I know.  Still sad though.  Did you cry when you left?  I know I did when I left the first one and I'll be doing it again soon.   :(

 

Tears in my eyes but not actually crying.  I spent the afternoon mapping out a Lord Peter Wimsey walk, so I was engaged rather than dwelling.

[bettyandbob]

When I went to college, the first day we moved all our junk in. There was a thing in the afternoon with parents in one place and students somewhere else. I had dinner with my parents after and went to the dorm. I think I had breakfast with them before they left town and attended more orientation/registration. So, patents weren't in the same meetings as the students. I have no idea what they said to parents.

 

When I dropped ds off, there was again a separate parent thing. They told us our students were adults and would make decisions without us. I might have skipped that, because by the schedule I would not see ds again, but I had to stay overnight because my flight was in the morning. Ds and I had said goodbye the day before. We flew to the school two days ahead, spent a day purchasing needed items at the local Target and spent another day hiking/sight seeing.

 

I don't think it's helpful to have a mixed parent student orientation. I have heard of schools that even separate parents and students on college tours (my neighbors visited one and said they learned more on that visit than to any other college.) on college tours I try very hard to ask very little. Mostly I ask about gluten free food, since dd has celiac. Sometimes I ask about security.

[momofkhm]

 

 

For instance, don't ask a question in a group that would only impact you or a very small percentage of that group.  Don't ask any question that is answered on the website.

 

 

 

Can you teach this to everyone?  PLEASE!

[clementine]

Oh yes, I saw plenty of those at our dds orientation too! One woman couldn't believe that her daughter was supposed to register without her & showed her displeasure. One woman heard the college students say 'try to have your kids stay for the first 6 weeks to get involved' and she sort of yelled 'that's not going to happen'. I thought I was kind of a helicopter patent before this meeting, but it turns out I'm just pretty normal. ;)

[lmrich]

At a scholarship weekend event a parent asked how was she supposed to cope without her baby. It was funny and we all laughed and cried a little. Luckily, this was a parent's only meeting. 

 

My sister has said she was so happy that her planning period (she is a teacher) is at the perfect time so she can call her son every morning to make sure he is up for class. - I have tried to help her cut the strings....

[J-rap]

When I went to college, there were no parent orientations.  My parents helped me move in, we probably had lunch together in the student center, and then they were gone.  It didn't even occur to me til years later how hard that must have been for them.  They only showed how happy and excited they were for me!  (I'm the youngest.)

 

When our oldest when off to college for the first time, he and his two suitcases boarded a plane for NYC.  My father had given him cash for a taxi once he got there, as a going-away gift.  I was so relieved when he made it to the boarding house where he'd be living.  No parent orientation though!  That was in 2008. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I was first gen and had no idea what orientation was all about.  I went to my school sight unseen and orientation day was the first time I was on campus.  I felt completely out of place and alone as the majority of other girls (international students were the exceptions) had parents and other family members there to help them move in and attend the activities.  Neither of my parents ever visited the campus; not once.

 

When my DD entered college, I went to her orientation.  I wanted to show support for that part of her life. We got a babysitter for the baby and off we went to enjoy some college kid time without the other responsibilities.  I bought her a school t-shirt and her textbooks.  Other than tennis matches, that is the only event I have attended.

 

With DS, I will be attending the parent session when I drop him off. Taking him is kind of a big deal to me since he will be the first male on either side of the family to attend college and has chosen to go OOS to school.  He is attending a pre-orientation leadership session a week before actual orientation, so the parent meeting is truncated into a short morning session.  DS has a full schedule of activities and we won't see each other after the group lunch so I'll be leaving.  I'm glad it's working out this way.  I get the satisfaction of taking him and seeing his dorm, campus, etc but there will be no extended good-byes, esp since I have to complete the drive back home that day/night.  I'll do my crying in the car, on the highway, where no one but faceless strangers can see me.

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

I was first gen and had no idea what orientation was all about.  I went to my school sight unseen and orientation day was the first time I was on campus.  I felt completely out of place and alone as the majority of other girls (international students were the exceptions) had parents and other family members there to help them move in and attend the activities.  Neither of my parents ever visited the campus; not once.

 

When my DD entered college, I went to her orientation.  I wanted to show support for that part of her life. We got a babysitter for the baby and off we went to enjoy some college kid time without the other responsibilities.  I bought her a school t-shirt and her textbooks.  Other than tennis matches, that is the only event I have attended.

 

With DS, I will be attending the parent session when I drop him off. Taking him is kind of a big deal to me since he will be the first male on either side of the family to attend college and has chosen to go OOS to school.  He is attending a pre-orientation leadership session a week before actual orientation, so the parent meeting is truncated into a short morning session.  DS has a full schedule of activities and we won't see each other after the group lunch so I'll be leaving.  I'm glad it's working out this way.  I get the satisfaction of taking him and seeing his dorm, campus, etc but there will be no extended good-byes, esp since I have to complete the drive back home that day/night.  I'll do my crying in the car, on the highway, where no one but faceless strangers can see me.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

I will say I loved that my parents came at least once a year to visit, hang out, get to know my friends.  They even invited my buddies (male and female) for a weekend at their house, complete with access to the washer/dryer for some badly needed free clothes washing.  :)

[creekland]

There was a luncheon for parents at the accepted students weekend, but it was apart from the kids. I've seen silly questions asked by both parents and students. From what we saw, the schools often have things planned for the parents because they realize it IS a big deal, and for some it's a huge change of life. They also realize many parents are driving/flying across the country and feel they deserve at least some time on campus before leaving...Sure the kids will grow up but I'd never scoff at a parent for being visibly upset or sad or dramatic at the knowledge their child is leaving home, often permanently. Being totally self reliant at 18 doesn't mean the coddled kid won't work it out once the parents drive away.

And no, my son was not one of those who couldn't cope without me, but yes, we were the parents who really mourned not having our only child at home with us. Parents survive, kids mature.

 

I'll freely admit I still get bummed when my guys leave/return.  I loved our time together as a family.  I also like our empty nesting time now.  I enjoy their company when they are here and I'm thrilled for them when they experience new things elsewhere or when we visit them, but that "change" is still tough for me and I can easily get nostalgic for the "good old days."

 

When Skyping with middle son yesterday and sharing his experiences I asked him if they had a "Bring your Parents to Work" day...

[Hoggirl]

Sure the kids will grow up but I'd never scoff at a parent for being visibly upset or sad or dramatic at the knowledge their child is leaving home, often permanently.

I think this is an important point.

 

It's really not dissimilar to any other major life event whether happy or sad or traumatic or whatever. Everyone experiences emotions differently. There is no right or wrong way go about it. A lot of my friends struggled all through their child's senior year, experiencing so many "lasts." That didn't happen to me - can I tell you how happy I was to be at the LAST Christmas concert???? - but that doesn't mean their feelings/emotions were invalid.

 

Dh and ds drove the 1,800 miles to school so he could take his keyboard with him. I flew out a few days later to meet them for move-in day. On the plane, across the aisle from me, was a young couple with their one-year-old lap child, a brown-eyed baby boy. Of course, he was fussy, and they were exhausted and so relieved when he finally fell asleep. The dad gave me a big "Whew!" once he was out. The entire plane ride, I would get weepy anytime I looked at him. I know that they thought I was nuts. I finally explained myself, and promised I wasn't crazy. They were sympathetic, but they certainly didn't get it. Then I gave one of those, "Seventeen years from now, you'll think back to that crazy old woman on that flight, and you'll get it..." kind of statements. Ha ha! Once I got off the plane and met ds and dh I was fine! Didn't cry anymore at all!!

 

We need to be kind to ourselves and not make comparisons. Yes, we (myself included) giggle at the extremist type comments made by the helicopter parents, but we are ALL helicopter parents to some degree each with our own concerns and worries. Some are valid, some are ridiculous. Certain individuals do a better job keeping it to themselves than others. The reality is, until you have walked in those shoes, it is hard to say how (or when) you will react, kwim?

[TechWife]

IMO, going to parent orientation isn't helicoptering, it's attending an event that I was invited to attend.  Nor is getting emotional at the life changing moments kids and parents both have. 

 

That said, the students had their student orientation and we parents had ours separately. Parts of it were quite good. Parts were really boring. There was a student panel where the parents could ask the students questions and one mother asked what brand and style winter coat she should buy her daughter. That question set off a ten minute discussion on campus fashion (coats, leggings, boots, etc.). I thought I was going to scream, because, really? 

 

[AngieW in Texas]

I felt very bad for one of my dd's roommates freshman year. Her mother picked her up every Friday as soon as her last class was over and wouldn't return her until Sunday evening, sometimes not even until Monday morning for her first class. She even came up to school and made her come home for the night during the week a few times. 

 

When the whole campus was iced in for a few days and nobody could leave, her mother made her transfer schools. 

[Hoggirl]

I felt very bad for one of my dd's roommates freshman year. Her mother picked her up every Friday as soon as her last class was over and wouldn't return her until Sunday evening, sometimes not even until Monday morning for her first class. She even came up to school and made her come home for the night during the week a few times.

 

When the whole campus was iced in for a few days and nobody could leave, her mother made her transfer schools.

:(

[creekland]

I felt very bad for one of my dd's roommates freshman year. Her mother picked her up every Friday as soon as her last class was over and wouldn't return her until Sunday evening, sometimes not even until Monday morning for her first class. She even came up to school and made her come home for the night during the week a few times. 

 

When the whole campus was iced in for a few days and nobody could leave, her mother made her transfer schools. 

 

Wow.   :svengo: This is an example of one of the families I would have been lucky to have made it past Age 3 in.

 

I agree that going to orientation does not make one a helicopter parent.  I regret not going to my oldest's!  

 

But your example... that's beyond helicopter parenting in the wrong direction...

[Annie G]

I don't think we're helicopter parents at all, but perhaps to outsiders- who don't  know our story- we appear to be. Youngest dd had such anxiety at college that she passed out. So when she felt she had conquered her anxiety and was able to go away to school we took her, moved her in, and cried as we drove away. When we put her on a plane to Japan, not knowing if anxiety was going to reappear, you can bet there were tears. 

 

We dropped ds off at school last Sunday.  He was born in the hospital a block away and has only lived in this one house.  He didn't speak one word until he was three, and his first sentences were the summer when he turned five and started reading aloud to me. So now he's 900 miles away and it's a HUGE change for all of us. Yup, we took him and though there were no tears, it was close. 

 

I try to give grace to parents- maybe they never went to college and don't know what to expect.  Yeah, bed checks are a bit much, but they'll soon get over that kind of hovering.   Dd's school did it well- they had an orientation for parents while the students had their own. That was a good way to separate kids from hovering parents. And after that they gave us ten minutes to say goodbye. We took 30 seconds and it was done.  

[Pegasus]

I'd like to trade places with those of you who had to suffer through discussions of sorority rushing or campus fashions during orientation.  A parent-only session at DD's orientation went something like this:

 

Parent1: Can my son open carry while on campus?

Security officer: No. We don't allow any weapons on campus.

Parent1: Even if he has a permit?

Security officer: No. We don't allow any weapons on campus.

Parent2: But the [state] law was changed last year to allow carrying with a permit.

Security officer: It's against our policy to have any weapon on campus.

Parent1: How about in his trunk? Can he have his gun if he leaves it in his trunk?

Security officer: No. No weapons are allowed on campus, even in the parking lot.

Parent2: I'm pretty sure it is allowed. The law changed.

Security officer: It is against our policy to have any weapon anywhere on campus property.

Parent2: Against policy but not against the law.

 

It went on like this for a while with a couple parents arguing that since it wasn't against state law (they are mistaken about this, I've since looked up the relevant laws), their students should be able to tote their guns along with their textbooks. Finally, so that we could move on, the security officer invited them to come by the security office where they could read and discuss the state law and the school policies.  

[Annie G]

I'd like to trade places with those of you who had to suffer through discussions of sorority rushing or campus fashions during orientation.  A parent-only session at DD's orientation went something like this:

 

Parent1: Can my son open carry while on campus?

Security officer: No. We don't allow any weapons on campus.

Parent1: Even if he has a permit?

Security officer: No. We don't allow any weapons on campus.

Parent2: But the [state] law was changed last year to allow carrying with a permit.

Security officer: It's against our policy to have any weapon on campus.

Parent1: How about in his trunk? Can he have his gun if he leaves it in his trunk?

Security officer: No. No weapons are allowed on campus, even in the parking lot.

Parent2: I'm pretty sure it is allowed. The law changed.

Security officer: It is against our policy to have any weapon anywhere on campus property.

Parent2: Against policy but not against the law.

 

It went on like this for a while with a couple parents arguing that since it wasn't against state law, their students should be able to tote their guns along with their textbooks. Finally, so that we could move on, the security officer invited them to come by the security office where they could read and discuss the state law and the school policies.  

 

When ds toured the school, there was another guy touring with him and dd. The guy kept asking about bringing his gun onto campus and the guide kept saying the same thing. Dd and Ds were kind of freaked out because the guy asked if they do room searches and said that they can't prevent him from carrying because it's legal.  It was weird. But your situation was even MORe weird because it was the PARENT asking.   If I feared for my kid's safety I might pick a different school. 

[G5052]

We attended orientation last week and saw some fine examples of helicoptering parents.   One parent asked about curfews and bed checks ---- no, they don't happen.    

 

When I was the head dormitory assistant at a state university, I got this type of question or phone call over and over.  

 

My favorite was the parent who called the housing office on a Saturday night after a few weeks of classes. I was in there working late because my boss had a family emergency, and there were some reports I had to finish for her for a meeting first thing Monday. We normally were NOT open then, but the person kept calling, so I picked up.

 

The parent wondered where their son was because they didn't answer the phone. I told them that I didn't know, and they flew into a rage about how we were responsible for their kid and should know where he was. I reminded them that our materials clearly indicated that our dorms are completely open with no curfews and that their son was 18 (I was able to quickly look him up). They were horrified and threatened to come get their kid immediately.

 

Ironically he ended being one that rarely went to classes and flunked out. Then they came and got him.

[Junie]

When I was the head dormitory assistant at a state university, I got this type of question or phone call over and over.  

 

My favorite was the parent who called the housing office on a Saturday night after a few weeks of classes. I was in there working late because my boss had a family emergency, and there were some reports I had to finish for her for a meeting first thing Monday. We normally were NOT open then, but the person kept calling, so I picked up.

 

The parent wondered where their son was because they didn't answer the phone. I told them that I didn't know, and they flew into a rage about how we were responsible for their kid and should know where he was. I reminded them that our materials clearly indicated that our dorms are completely open with no curfews and that their son was 18 (I was able to quickly look him up). They were horrified and threatened to come get their kid immediately.

 

Ironically he ended being one that rarely went to classes and flunked out. Then they came and got him.

 

Sort of off-topic, sorry OP.  This reminds me of a funny story about my freshman-year roommate.

 

Her dad was the exact opposite of a helicopter parent.  He called one night, looking for his daughter.  I usually didn't give information about my roommate's whereabouts, but I recognized his voice (and his Nantucket accent).  

 

I thought I would help dr (dear roommate) out by telling her dad where she was -- the library.  As soon as I said "library", he said, "I'm sorry; I must have the wrong number."   :lol:   He started to hang up the phone.  I said that dr was at the library to meet a guy.  He said, "That's my girl.  Tell her I said 'hi!".

[Junie]

 Don't ask a question in a group that would only impact you or a very small percentage of that group.  Don't ask any question that is answered on the website.

 

 

 

 

 

Can you teach this to everyone?  PLEASE!

 

I would love to! 

[Pawz4me]

At DS's school parent attendance at orientation is mandatory.  It's a two-day event, and there are many orientation dates throughout the summer to choose from.  It's not at the same time as drop off.  I don't recall any outrageous questions or behaviors by anyone, at orientation or drop off.  I'm feeling kind of left out since I don't have any good stories. ;)

[creekland]

Sort of off-topic, sorry OP.  This reminds me of a funny story about my freshman-year roommate.

 

Her dad was the exact opposite of a helicopter parent.  He called one night, looking for his daughter.  I usually didn't give information about my roommate's whereabouts, but I recognized his voice (and his Nantucket accent).  

 

I thought I would help dr (dear roommate) out by telling her dad where she was -- the library.  As soon as I said "library", he said, "I'm sorry; I must have the wrong number."   :lol:   He started to hang up the phone.  I said that dr was at the library to meet a guy.  He said, "That's my girl.  Tell her I said 'hi!".

 

My dad called once and a friend of mine picked up the phone before I could get it.  She answered with "_____'s Pleasure Palace, Stephanie speaking, what can we do for you?"

 

Fortunately, my dad had gone to college and had a reasonable sense of humor with it :lol: , esp since he was the one who wouldn't let me go on a class trip to France because teA would be the only thing happening among young adults in his opinion.  :glare:

 

My mom got flashed by one of our (guy) friends once.  He didn't realize she was visiting and she opened the door when he knocked.  To this day she still tells the story - with laughter.

 

I may be scaring some people who worry about the "college experience" off I guess.  I'd better stop.  Suffice it to say that in our family it's all fun - and nothing was going on other than teenaged fun.

[clementine]

Our dd's orientation required at least one parent to attend. I had no idea it was optional - parents sat apart from their children, so I'm not sure if all students had a parent there.

[MBM]

At my son's university during freshman orientation, students and parents attend only one event together, which is not informative but more a rite of passage where everyone walks along the main walkway under the school's big arches. Sessions for students are separate and different from what parents attend. My husband and I will go to the President's reception, listen to the dean of my son's school and then go to the booths and info sessions for health, careers, etc.

 

Freshman attend a full week and a weekend (about 10 days) of information sessions and activities that allow them to get to know their way around and meet other freshman. They get to go into Chicago together and do all kinds of fun things. The biggest problem for my son is that his girlfriend is going to UCSD. He's already sad about that.

 

The university is less than 5 miles from home so we are going to let him handle all of move in by himself which is okay with me!

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Different perspective...

 

My first reaction to the bed check comment was to wonder about his life experiences. Perhaps his past involved a boarding school, military school, or some other situation where bed checks are routine. The question doesn't seem extreme to me... Interesting and curious perhaps, but it doesn't bring to mind the notion of overly intense parenting...

 

 

  

[daijobu]

I felt very bad for one of my dd's roommates freshman year. Her mother picked her up every Friday as soon as her last class was over and wouldn't return her until Sunday evening, sometimes not even until Monday morning for her first class. She even came up to school and made her come home for the night during the week a few times. 

 

 

Something similar happened to me freshman year.  Every other weekend my roommate would fly home to be with her family.  I know it seems stupid, but it was kind of a drag at the time.  I was looking forward to having a friend for a roommate, or at the very least someone I could hang out with on the weekends.  Not being in a recognized minority group or part of a church or a member of a sorority, I was kind of on my own.  

[Peach]

Creekland, this sounds like my college years. I had a suite and all of us were jokers...I loved them dearly and we are all still close. We were blessed with parents with great senses of humour who found our shenanigans funny. Mom still laughs about them :)

 

 There was no parent orientation when I went to school the first time around either. My school was in driving range so we loaded the car and I hit the road.

[AngieW in Texas]

My daughter was really happy with her roommates sophomore year. Both of them stayed on campus because they both lived 4-6 hours away like she did. She even rode home with one of her roommates. We paid for gas and met her roommate about 1.5 hours from both our homes. A 3-hour round-trip to pick her up was much better than an 8-10 hour round-trip to pick her up.

 

She was really good friends with one of her roommates and they both requested each other again for next year. The other roommate is moving to an apartment instead of staying in the dorms.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I find myself wondering about the mandatory parent attendance at orientation.  Or what?  What do they do if the parent doesn't come.  Decline the admissions offer?

 

Things like this are totally different when it's a state school and 90% of the students come from the region.  If we had to attend an orientation, it would mean an extra $1200 plane ticket, etc.  I don't even foresee my son visiting any more schools than what he saw a couple years ago on the mainland (and his week at West Point).  

 

Personally I'd rather put that money towards paying for books and tuition.

 

 

[creekland]

Creekland, this sounds like my college years. I had a suite and all of us were jokers...I loved them dearly and we are all still close. We were blessed with parents with great senses of humour who found our shenanigans funny. Mom still laughs about them :)

 

 There was no parent orientation when I went to school the first time around either. My school was in driving range so we loaded the car and I hit the road.

 

That's definitely all it was and having such a fun group of friends was quite enjoyable.  I've never really been the serious type of personality anyway.  As my siggy says (borrowed from a dance performance middle son did this past year at college), Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional.

 

Hopefully I won't ever actually grow up.  Laughter is too much a necessary part of my life.  Few subjects are off limits.

 

I will add that I don't think that young man ever flashed anyone again though.   :lol:  He was incredibly apologetic and a bit embarrassed!

[Bluegoat]

I don't really get the mandatory parent orientation thing either. 

 

My parents weren't that involved with my university attendance at all, other than they helped me work out budgeting and stuff and answered questions - I had to apply, get transcripts, register and so on myself.  I had two orientations, one for the university (awful) and one for the college (fun) and I got there on the bus.  I had to take the check to the university registrars office and square things with the college registrar. When I moved into residence my parents drove me there, got the number of the hall payphone, helped me carry in my stuff and left.  After that year they expected me to find some friends to help me move my stuff though they lent me their car.

 

I think the only time my parents got directly involved was in fourth year when I got sick with mono during final exams and had to get an extension - I had strep and actually couldn't talk so my mom called my profs for me and made the arrangements.

 

I don't have any problem with people feeling emotional, or doing some kind of family ritual around beginning university - i know lots of people who would have a lunch when they got dropped off, or who had going away parties.  But I guess I don't really see what the universities role should be in that. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

With my oldest, I had to start out somewhat helicopterish because this kid, though brilliant, could not see himself ever being able to be independent and leaving home (he was my Peter Pan - wanted to be a kid forever.)  I had to schedule all the college visits his junior year and had to do a bit of the speaking on the tours because he was so painfully shy and reluctant.  I asked questions that would have been good for my son to hear the answers to, plus, I was modeling what I wanted him to do on future visits.  I didn't ask any of those stupid questions shared upthread.  I had not done this, I envisioned I would have a 40-year old genius living in my basement.  After about 3 or 4 visits, my son was able to ask questions himself.  He did talk to all the admissions counselors on his own and then they brought us in for a family chat.   With my second kid, I had to do some of this, but not quite as much.  

 

I was glad that both of my kids went to smaller schools and that they had an orientation that included parents - some sessions together, but mostly separate, some meals together, some separate.  I knew my kids needed a longer transition and I needed it as well.  I wanted to be sure that my kids were going to adjust.  My oldest was painfully shy with some social anxiety mixed in.  My second kid had a major depressive episode the fall of their senior year and I was terribly worried (but knew that staying home would not have been much better.)  Both of my college kids benefited from the further scaffolding.  They needed us to be there in the background to help them get over their deer-in-the-headlights sensation and participate more fully.

 

Dd15 is a different animal - much more social - much more confident in her independence.  She won't need me for an orientation, but, seeing that she is my baby, I know that I will need that orientation and a structured goodbye.  (And a driver to get me home so that I can sob without worrying about hurting someone on the road.)

[katilac]

 Both of my college kids benefited from the further scaffolding.  They needed us to be there in the background to help them get over their deer-in-the-headlights sensation and participate more fully.

 

Good story. 

 

While homeschoolers are generally the first to nod and say that not every kid is ready to read fluently at 6, they seem much more reluctant to say that not every teen is ready to fully take the reins in their junior year when making college visits. 

 

Just because a 16-yr-old isn't making witty conversation with the dean and asking incisive questions during the campus visit doesn't mean they won't be ready to attend college a full year later. Just because an 18-yr-old needs more transitioning that first semester of college doesn't mean they won't grow and succeed over the four years. 

 

Switching to a new topic, I no longer hesitate to ask questions that might be answered on the web site. I try to avoid the truly obvious stuff, of course, but really almost anything can usually be answered online. When you are looking at half a dozen colleges, it is easy to mix up the details. 

 

If we need to clarify something based on what is said on a tour, we don't hesitate to do so. Often, the answer is more meaningful when given in the context of what is said on tour, and we can make a note right on the tour materials.