TW. Public Shaming Leads to 13 Year Old Girls' Suicide

[umsami]

Heartbreaking.

 

http://jezebel.com/13-year-old-girl-dies-by-suicide-after-dad-shares-publi-1708967488?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_facebook&utm_source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

 

"Izabel Laxamana, a 13-year-old girl in Tacoma, Washington died by suicide after jumping off a highway overpass on Friday, May 29. Days before, Laxamana’s father Jeff had reportedly punished her for an unspecified transgression by cutting off her hair and uploading a video to YouTube. There’s now a controversy brewing online and among the girl’s friends and family over whether the video caused her death."

 

 

 

[maize]

Ugh.

 

Don't parents remember what it was like to be a kid? I do not understand cruel parenting.

[GinaPagnato]

Holy. Cow.

 

So now parents are so desirous of insta-fame through social media that they'll humiliate their kids in order to achieve it. smh.

 

What a tragedy.

[MercyA]

Horrible.  :crying:

[bolt.]

Whether or not 'the video' (itself) directly caused the victim to choose suicide or not... Being raised by 'that kind of father' -- who would punish a teen by intentionally disfiguring her hair *and* video it *and* post the video... That's definitely a contributing cause.

 

What I mean is that there is clearly some context. She wasn't being punished for spilling milk -- it's very possible that something was going off the rails in a pretty drastic way, pushing everything to extremes... And maybe those things might he more directly related to the suicide than the video itself. Or maybe not. But I think it's most likely that there's a complexity here.

[mamaraby]

The article talks about her feeling like she was bullied at school, too. There may be "complexities," but imo, the last thing a child needs is to be bullied at home. Public shaming via parents is bullying.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Public shaming teens like this is horrible.

[Guest]

Parents are supposed to be the soft place to land. What an ass to post the video. I hope he feels terrible.

[bettyandbob]

I wonder if it was the cutting of the hair more than the video. Cutting a young woman's hair is abusive ( I had that done to me. I also had a friend who had that done to her.)  If someone cuts a teen's hair I would assume there's a lot of emotional abuse leading up to that. I could see having the hair chopped off be the thing that pushes a teen to suicide after other abuses have piled up. It's the perfect symbol of telling the child "I'm in control" leading the child to feel truly trapped.

[SquirrellyMama]

I wonder if it was the cutting of the hair more than the video. Cutting a young woman's hair is abusive ( I had that done to me. I also had a friend who had that done to her.) If someone cuts a teen's hair I would assume there's a lot of emotional abuse leading up to that. I could see having the hair chopped off be the thing that pushes a teen to suicide after other abuses have piled up. It's the perfect symbol of telling the child "I'm in control" leading the child to feel truly trapped.

I was thinking the same thing. This goes beyond shaming.

 

Kelly

[creekland]

I wish there were a way to convey to parents that their (our) kids are NOT young forms of ourselves.  They are individuals with their own likes/dislikes, beliefs, and more.  We show them this world and can explain our likes/dislikes, and beliefs, etc, but they need to be allowed to be themselves and learn so many things themselves.  They'll fall at times (as do we, even in our older, more mature, age), but we need to be there to pick them up - not push them into our square/round pegs.

 

Poor gal...  In a way, poor dad (and mom) too.

[Mimm]

How awful. :( I do wonder what that father was thinking at the time. And what he's thinking now. I can't imagine feeling so directly responsible for my child's death.

 

We've all seen those pictures of kids holding signs that say something like, "I bullied someone and this is my punishment." Usually captioned something like, "This mom is doing it right!" And while I understand wanting to give someone who makes other people feel horrible a taste of their own medicine, I'm not sure how that teaches them that bullying is wrong. But for other parents seeing other parents praised for public shaming, they probably think this is a perfectly valid parenting technique.

[mom2scouts]

That's so sad.  I understand that sometimes parents are desperate, but 13 is already such a hard age.  Posting the shaming on the internet went way over the line.

[bettyandbob]

I got physically disciplined a lot as a kid. I think the times my father publicly embarrassed me were worse than the physical discipline. Sure, at home I remember frequently being afraid of being whacked, often not knowing what I did to get whacked, but when other kids saw me being yelled at in public it was like I had to relive it every time I saw those kids.

 

That said I don't touch hair. I never even cut my son's hair. Boy did I hate that hair, well past his shoulders. One day on his own his went to the barber and got a number 1 buzz.

[Butter]

I don't understand why a father would post the video.  In the video she says she was warned several times so she knew getting her hair cut was a possible consequence of her actions.  But why post the video for all to see?  At least if there wasn't that video out there to publicly shame her she could make up a story about why she suddenly cut off her beautiful, long hair.

 

But as with any time someone commits suicide, I doubt the video was *the* cause.  There were probably many reasons and the video, and having her hair cut, and who knows what else related to that incident and previous incidents we don't know about (those "warnings" mentioned in the video), were likely contributors.  Have you ever read 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher?  It's an amazing a heartbreaking book that is audio tapes of a girl (who has committed suicide just before the beginning of the book) explaining her reasons why she killed herself.  It's rarely so simple as one thing.

[PrincessMommy]

Whether or not 'the video' (itself) directly caused the victim to choose suicide or not... Being raised by 'that kind of father' -- who would punish a teen by intentionally disfiguring her hair *and* video it *and* post the video... That's definitely a contributing cause.

 

What I mean is that there is clearly some context. She wasn't being punished for spilling milk -- it's very possible that something was going off the rails in a pretty drastic way, pushing everything to extremes... And maybe those things might he more directly related to the suicide than the video itself. Or maybe not. But I think it's most likely that there's a complexity here.

 

Yes... cutting her hair off just takes public shaming by parents to a whole new level of awful. 

 

What a senseless and horrible thing he did.

[Greta]

This breaks my heart. When I was 13, my sweet, gentle, loving Daddy was one of my primary sources of refuge and shelter from all the crap going on in other areas of my life. It's hard for me to even imagine how betrayed Izabel felt.

[LucyStoner]

I can think of nothing my kids would do that would result in me forcing them to cut their hair.

 

The whole idea strikes me as very creepy. I also can't believe they left the video up. I didn't click it but FFS, why leave that up?

[Junie]

:crying:

[FO4UR]

I wonder if it was the cutting of the hair more than the video. Cutting a young woman's hair is abusive ( I had that done to me. I also had a friend who had that done to her.)  If someone cuts a teen's hair I would assume there's a lot of emotional abuse leading up to that. I could see having the hair chopped off be the thing that pushes a teen to suicide after other abuses have piled up. It's the perfect symbol of telling the child "I'm in control" leading the child to feel truly trapped.

 

 

Yes!  I notice she appears to be Asian, and I know that long, silky hair is seriously significant in a cultural way to many I know irl.  I can imagine this is about much much more than the snippet we saw.

 

A close comparison...maybe The Scarlet Letter...

 

 

That poor girl.  I guarantee it was a lifetime of abuse and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[katilac]

I can think of nothing my kids would do that would result in me forcing them to cut their hair.

 

The whole idea strikes me as very creepy. I also can't believe they left the video up. I didn't click it but FFS, why leave that up?

 

They (the father/family) did not leave the video up. A friend had recorded it on their phone, and they put it up. 

[Tap]

I can think of nothing my kids would do that would result in me forcing them to cut their hair.

 

The whole idea strikes me as very creepy. I also can't believe they left the video up. I didn't click it but FFS, why leave that up?

The family took the video down.  The link on the blog is from someone who filmed the video on a screen.  

[Butter]

I can think of nothing my kids would do that would result in me forcing them to cut their hair.

 

The whole idea strikes me as very creepy. I also can't believe they left the video up. I didn't click it but FFS, why leave that up?

 

The video that was originally posted was taken down, presumably by her father.  The video on the link is actually of the video being played on a cell phone.  One of her friends videoed it and put it up.  I'd assume it's one of the friends who believe her father doing this led to the girl's suicide.  The fact that the friend videoed it before it was taken down makes me really wonder what was going on in that child's life.  What else her father was doing to her.

[FO4UR]

The video that was originally posted was taken down, presumably by her father.  The video on the link is actually of the video being played on a cell phone.  One of her friends videoed it and put it up.  I'd assume it's one of the friends who believe her father doing this led to the girl's suicide.  The fact that the friend videoed it before it was taken down makes me really wonder what was going on in that child's life.  What else her father was doing to her.

:iagree:

 

 

 

It's ironic that her father chose to control her through public shaming, but now that she committed suicide he doesn't want his shame to be so public.

[Anne in CA]

It is heartbreaking. But a man who would do that to a 13yo has probably never been a good parent, and there probably were other things before this. He sounds controlling. I have a friend whose abusive ex used to ruin their dd's hair on every visit to upset and control my friend, and so I suppose I imagine that the poor girl's father was like him. It may not have even been about her, the father may have been looking for an excuse to punish her to make her mother miserable. If so, the poor woman really is in hell right now.

[katilac]

When I was a child, a parent in the neighborhood put their son in a diaper and nothing else, and paraded him around the neighborhood. I was at a different neighbor's house, and she knocked on the door and brought him inside to show the group of kids gathered there. He was at least 10. The mom said that if he was going to act like a baby, she was going to treat him like a baby. 

 

I was younger, but I still remember the moment he walked in so clearly. I pretty much hated this kid, he was mean and obnoxious, but even then I was mortified on his behalf. Over forty years later, the memory still makes my stomach twist and my throat close, and I feel a little spike of stress - and I was a bystander, an observer. I can't imagine what it did to him. 

 

Using shame as a disciplinary tool is bad enough on its own. Public shaming is just sick. Are people so out of touch with normal feelings and behavior that they don't see what a harmful, lifelong effect it will have?

 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

I can see saving it for possible legal action against the father (I think it is assault, really and truly) but I can't see leaving it up and continuing to show that poor, dead child being abused to news site gawkers.

 

I don't doubt this is a home marked by DV and an abusive need for control. Her father disgusts me.

[katilac]

I can see saving it for possible legal action against the father (I think it is assault, really and truly) but I can't see leaving it up and continuing to show that poor, dead child being abused to news site gawkers.

 

 

I'm guessing it may be another teen who thinks they are avenging their friend. 

[SKL]

:(

 

Sounds like this parent was obsessed with power and control over his kid.  I guess it would be mean for me to hope he was thoroughly ashamed of himself now.  (He probably is.)

 

My kid has taken me aside as young as 6 or 7 to point out that something I said should have been said privately.  (I underestimate my kids' sensitivities sometimes.)  I'm so glad she has the self-respect to speak up and expect respect from others.

[Lovingparent]

:crying:

I am sad for the loss of her precious life and sad that her last moments on Earth were so heartbreaking for her. Being bullied at school and an abusive father at home. 

[Corraleno]

I wonder if it was the cutting of the hair more than the video. Cutting a young woman's hair is abusive ( I had that done to me. I also had a friend who had that done to her.)  If someone cuts a teen's hair I would assume there's a lot of emotional abuse leading up to that. I could see having the hair chopped off be the thing that pushes a teen to suicide after other abuses have piled up. It's the perfect symbol of telling the child "I'm in control" leading the child to feel truly trapped.

 

A bunch of the girl's friends posted on the Tacoma Stories site that in addition to cutting her hair, he also destroyed some of her clothes and smashed her guitar, then he called the principal at the middle school, who further humiliated her. Someone said the reason he was mad was because she set up an Instagram account behind his back and posted a sexy selfie.

 

In one of the news stories, a policewoman was quoted as saying Izzy left suicide notes apologizing for "shaming her family."  :crying:

[amsunshine]

Here is a more recent article that states the father did not upload the video to public media.  Don't think that changes my opinion about his choices, but...

[SKL]

Hmm, the police would be able to find out who uploaded the video, so maybe the original story was wrong.

 

Sounds like she was a pretty depressed girl and there were probably other things going on that we will never know.  But cutting a girl's long hair is pretty drastic public shaming in itself, and the dad knew it.  He didn't have to upload the video in order for her shame to be seen throughout school etc.

 

I think some people don't realize how fragile a 13yo girl can be in social situations.  One hopes a lot of other parents take a second look at some of their parenting choices for similar-aged girls.

[amsunshine]

Sounds like she was a pretty depressed girl and there were probably other things going on that we will never know.  But cutting a girl's long hair is pretty drastic public shaming in itself, and the dad knew it.  He didn't have to upload the video in order for her shame to be seen throughout school etc.

 

I agree.  Cutting her hair, in and of itself, was public shaming.  Poor thing.  I just found it interesting that he apparently didn't upload the video, when most seem to assume he did.  

[unsinkable]

:(

 

Sounds like this parent was obsessed with power and control over his kid. I guess it would be mean for me to hope he was thoroughly ashamed of himself now. (He probably is.)

 

My kid has taken me aside as young as 6 or 7 to point out that something I said should have been said privately. (I underestimate my kids' sensitivities sometimes.) I'm so glad she has the self-respect to speak up and expect respect from others.

I'm glad that she trusts you so much.

 

Edited to remove personal story.

[LibraryLover]

A father forcibly took a scissors to a young teen girl's hair. That sends chills up my spine. It's physical and emotional assault/abuse. He probably had to chase her and hold her down. She was probably screaming. I'm sickened.  

[katilac]

Here is a more recent article that states the father did not upload the video to public media.  Don't think that changes my opinion about his choices, but...

 

He video'd it for a reason; he claims it's so that he could give it to her to keep as a 'reminder.' 

 

Because, oh yes, she was so freaking likely to forget that her dad chopped her hair off to punish and shame her. 

[SKL]

I'm guessing she didn't physically resist.  I don't know that I'd call it physical assault.  It is just plain cruel.

 

Seeing her reaction is so sad.  It seems she is already feeling like life isn't worth living if it's going to be like this.  She may have already been feeling suicidal at times and this may have pushed her over the edge.

[SKL]

He video'd it for a reason; he claims it's so that he could give it to her to keep as a 'reminder.' 

 

Because, oh yes, she was so freaking likely to forget that her dad chopped her hair off to punish and shame her. 

 

Yeah, that is weird.  It seems like the dad never grew up.

[wendyroo]

A father forcibly took a scissors to a young teen girl's hair. That sends chills up my spine. It's physical and emotional assault/abuse. He probably had to chase her and hold her down. She was probably screaming. I'm sickened.  

 

Maybe, but that isn't really at all how it looks in the video.  Both the father and daughter sound calm, not agitated, out of breath or like they were recently yelling or crying.  The hair is in a couple tidy piles (it looks like the hair cut took place in the garage); it doesn't appear that the girl was running or struggling while the hair was cut.

 

It's obviously horrible that the girl committed suicide, and I'm against public shaming, but from the tiny glimpse I get from that video (which it does not appear the father publicly posted), it almost sounds like the hair cutting was meant as a logical consequence.  The father had warned her, in her words, "a lot" and she went ahead and (allegedly) opened an Instagram account and posted a sexy selfie.  The father followed through on the consequence and relatively calmly (at least that's how it looks to me) sat her down and cut her hair.

 

Yes, forcing a 13 year old to cut her hair is a drastic consequence, but I don't think (and according to the later article the police don't think) it rises to the level of abuse.  Depending on a parent's cultural and religious beliefs, the daughter posting sexy photos of herself could be seen as a severe misbehavior and risk that would warrant a severe consequence.

 

I would need a lot more information about the situation before I could pass judgement on the father's behavior.  I certainly would not jump to the conclusion based on so little evidence that he or this one discipline were what led to the girl's suicide.

 

Wendy

[Soror]

What a ba*^%%%

When I was a child, a parent in the neighborhood put their son in a diaper and nothing else, and paraded him around the neighborhood. I was at a different neighbor's house, and she knocked on the door and brought him inside to show the group of kids gathered there. He was at least 10. The mom said that if he was going to act like a baby, she was going to treat him like a baby. 

 

I was younger, but I still remember the moment he walked in so clearly. I pretty much hated this kid, he was mean and obnoxious, but even then I was mortified on his behalf. Over forty years later, the memory still makes my stomach twist and my throat close, and I feel a little spike of stress - and I was a bystander, an observer. I can't imagine what it did to him. 

 

Using shame as a disciplinary tool is bad enough on its own. Public shaming is just sick. Are people so out of touch with normal feelings and behavior that they don't see what a harmful, lifelong effect it will have?

And the parents stood around while this psycho parent did this? I would be asking them what the hell was wrong with them. I can't even imagine. Someone does something that wrong to a kid you stand up for the kid.

[HRAAB]

That is heartbreaking.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

The painful reality is that a lot of what we did as teens and a lot of what we call "misbehaving" are cries for attention. I wonder what it could have been like if this girl's parents sought family counseling instead of public shaming. I wonder how it would've affected the outcome if dad had taken her on a date instead of cutting off her hair. So heartbroken. Lord have mercy.

[wendyroo]

The painful reality is that a lot of what we did as teens and a lot of what we call "misbehaving" are cries for attention. I wonder what it could have been like if this girl's parents sought family counseling instead of public shaming. I wonder how it would've affected the outcome if dad had taken her on a date instead of cutting off her hair. So heartbroken. Lord have mercy.

 

We don't know that they didn't do those things.

 

Wendy

[Jean in Newcastle]

The family is Filipino.  Her comment about shaming the family has strong cultural roots.  

[Magnolia Rain]

From this article:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/izabel-laxamana-tacoma-teen-kills-herself-days-after-shaming-video-posted-online-of-father-cutting-her-hair-10298673.html

 

"Ms Cool, the police spokeswoman, said she believed Izabel had killed herself because she believed things she had done in her past had shamed her family. “This was her way of apologising to everyone,†she said."

 

Smh. 😔 Poor, poor girl. She was so shamed by her father that she felt death would be the most appropriate apology. Awful.

[maize]

The family is Filipino. Her comment about shaming the family has strong cultural roots.

Thank you for bringing up the cultural context.

[Jean in Newcastle]

From this article:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/izabel-laxamana-tacoma-teen-kills-herself-days-after-shaming-video-posted-online-of-father-cutting-her-hair-10298673.html

 

"Ms Cool, the police spokeswoman, said she believed Izabel had killed herself because she believed things she had done in her past had shamed her family. “This was her way of apologising to everyone,†she said."

 

Smh. 😔 Poor, poor girl. She was so shamed by her father that she felt death would be the most appropriate apology. Awful.

No, technically from a Filipino cultural standpoint, she believed that her behavior in taking a sexy selfie had so shamed the family.  It wasn't the video or the hair cutting itself but the emphasis the father had placed on how bad her behavior had been.  

[Magnolia Rain]

No, technically from a Filipino cultural standpoint, she believed that her behavior in taking a sexy selfie had so shamed the family. It wasn't the video or the hair cutting itself but the emphasis the father had placed on how bad her behavior had been.

I agree with you. I'm sorry I was unclear. I was referring to what he must have said to her to make her feel so shamed, not the actual hair cutting itself. I imagine the hair cutting was the physical punishment, but that the emotional punishment was much more severe.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When not only your own self worth but essentially the self worth of the entire family is tied up in the image you project to the world, perceived (or actual) failure of any kind is unthinkable.  This is part of the thinking behind suicides of children and teens when they fail school exams in Japan.