5LittleMonkeys Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 This is not at all a bashing thread...I'm truly trying to get some insight into if this is a man\child thing and if dh is right in his reasoning. I'll use this morning as an example but there have been countless incidents that have been similar to this. We were supposed to get 5 to 8 inches of snow overnight in our area. I knew that we wouldn't because we live in middle TN and we never get snow...only ice. I told the kids not to expect it but the news channels\radio stations did their typical "the sky is falling" routine and kids being kids, they thought they were going to wake up to a winter wonderland. Nope...we have icy sludge just like I thought. So dh was sitting at the table with me when ds came downstairs with tears in his eyes and dh immediately started laughing at him. Of coarse ds started crying even more because of dh making fun of him for crying and then dh laughed even more about ds crying over being laughed at. I told him to stop laughing at him that he was being mean, and then of coarse I got lectured about how that is the way that dads behave and it helps their children grow thick skins. He went on to say that he needs to learn that some things are just silly to get upset about and by him laughing at him it will help him not take things so seriously. This has been an ongoing thing for the last 16 years...he does it with all of the kids..not just the boy. Am I wrong to get upset? Is he right? Do I just need to bite my lip and let him laugh at them when they're really upset about something that, while may not really be important in the scope of things, is important to them at the moment? I've tried talking to him at a different time about not laughing at them when they're upset about something he feels is silly but they think is important...he gives the same argument and refuses to even try to temper this behavior. Thougths? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I don't know. This would upset me a great deal. But 16 years...I can't imagine finding some magical way to change him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 He is not right. I'd be pretty pissed and tell DH to quit being a Neanderthal ass. I know that doesn't help you but it is what would happen here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 He is not right. I'd be pretty pissed and tell DH to quit being a Neanderthal ass. I know that doesn't help you but it is what would happen here. perfect wording! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'd talk to him about it when your son isn't around, and not in the heat of the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 It would bother me a lot. Children learn to "scale" feelings best when their feelings are heard without shaming. Without a parenting style intended to "toughen them up."You can't change a person's temperment and personality with that type of parenting choice, it only gets deflected in other ways. Neither of my xh's did this (though they both had issues), but I can say it would be a BIG, BIG deal if they did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 What about explaining to him that it's pretty sucky to have no safe place to express emotions and feelings. Did your husband grow up with that attitude from his parents? If so, I can imagine it being hard to change. But maybe you can ask him if he really feels that's so great that he has no safe place to be human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Laughing at someone else's anguish is not right. Lack of empathy? Low self-image, unwilling to deal with their own anguish? Plain immaturity? IDK, but there would be strongly worded conversations happening, but like SU said, after 16 years, it's probably not going to change anything. Can you think of a situation where he was upset and ask how he'd feel if someone laughed at him about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Above The Rowan Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'd be pissed. But, like another poster mentioned, after 16 yrs this will be a tough thing to change. However, I would die on this hill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think it's mean. My dh has never treated our kids like that...so not normal ime. I wonder how he was treated as a kid. I see the way some kids are treated by parents and all I imagine is a kid who "obeys" now but will one day be on top and dole out what s/he got. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My thoughts (for what they're worth): This is probably nothing new to you-- with 5 kids (and I'm assuming) the same guy who has been helping raise them for 16 yrs. You aren't going to change a thing about his behavior. The only thing you can change is your thoughts about it. I think it's damaging to a child for a parent to laugh at his feelings. But if your husband isn't sensitive to your concerns about it, I'm not sure there's much you can really 'do'. I still wouldn't let it go without saying something about it to him because your kids deserve for someone to stand up for them-- and quite frankly, your husband shouldn't believe that you think it's ok, when it is clearly not ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Why would you want your child to need a "thick skin" when talking to his parents especially? That's awful. I agree with talking to him not in the moment, but this isn't something I'd let go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I don't know what I'd say. I'd be too mad to do much more than probably shove back from the table, pick up the hurt child and leave the room. But my thoughts on whether something like this toughens people up makes me think about scars and how weak they are compared to whole, strong, healthy tissue. Stuff like laughing at a person isn't toughening-it wounds, and leaves scars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 OK, so, assuming the marriage and cohabitation are a given, this is what ****I**** would do. I'd inform DH that I feel his response is not only a different style, but damaging. That it was no longer up for debate or discussion unless that talk included the words "I am willing to get help from a professional" from DH. And I'd inform him that I would be telling the kids directly that I feel his response is unkind, shaming, and inappropriate and I'd be saving my kids from the interaction every time he did it. It is not the same, but I ended my second marriage in part because of how that husband (the kids' step dad) had begun to interact with them as his disease deteriorated and decompensated his personality and behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Not cool. Dad needs to learn the importance of empathy and validation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 "DS, I'm so sorry that your dad is such an ass and an idiot. I understand how disappointed you are. Don't feel bad about being disappointed." This would not be OK and like PP, I would be willing to die on this hill. I'm sorry you've put up with this for 16 years. Maybe it's time to stop tolerating it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My husband is far less sensitive than I, and for many years I worried that he wasn't sensitive enough. In the end, the kids have developed thick skins whereby they can laugh at themselves, and they can handle harsh comments without being thrown by them. I do think that's a good skill to have. Having said that, my dh would never laugh at a crying child, and does more to laugh at himself and model the behavior than impose it on the kids. His style is more about joking about the small things, when the complaining goes on and on, never at sincere distress, no matter what the cause. While I get what your husband is saying, I think he's going about it wrong. If I were in this situation, I'd quietly, privately tell him my concern is for the kids learning to ignore him and his opinions altogether, not to mention learning how to suppress sympathy from their future relationships. ETA: on further reflection, I do think that if a private talk didn't persuade him, then I don't think I could resist the opportunities to speak up like momoflaw mentioned. Just throw it right out on the table: Sometimes people are just mean, and we learn to ignore them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'm sorry your DH thinks his behavior is appropriate. I disagree with him. If your son doesn't feel safe airing his problems with you, that will affect him all his life. It might not be right, but I'd teach my kids to tell their dad he's being rude and unfeeling. They should at least be able to stick up for themselves. I guess I'd spend a great deal of time being mad if my DH acted that way. Does he laugh at you too? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VaKim Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Nothing like being bullied right in your own home. I'd take up for the kids, right in front of DH. Let them know I was on their side. I'm not of the opinion that we should try to make our husbands look like gods to their kids, or never say anything bad about them, blah blah blah. An ass is an ass, and not saying so doesn't change it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Poor kid... We use the golden rule around here; everyone is expected to treat one another the way they would want to be treated. I can't imagine your husband wanting to be treated that way as a child or an adult. Now I'm all for not sweating the small stuff and there are respectful ways to teach a child this lesson. I would also want to add, that family is special to me and should always feel like a safe place to express our true feelings. Imo, your husband is pushing his son away by disrespecting and humiliating him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 What I would say is, "Your being an ass/jerk and making fun of kids is not cool. Real men don't make fun of kids crying" Perhaps that isn't the right answer but it is probably what I would say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think I'd insist the partner would read some parenting materials from professionals &/or watch some excellent parenting dvd's &/or go to a positive parenting counselor, either together or alone. This would be very serious & potentially relationship threatening for me. (ps if you're looking for dvd's, I'd suggest Gordon Neufeld's materials. Neufeld relates to men well IMO. He's not airy fairy soft & he's very much into "parents need to parent" but he's also extremely passionate about preserving 'softness' in children.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 What a tough situation, OP. :grouphug: I'm sorry your DH thinks his behavior is appropriate. I disagree with him. If your son doesn't feel safe airing his problems with you, that will affect him all his life. It might not be right, but I'd teach my kids to tell their dad he's being rude and unfeeling. They should at least be able to stick up for themselves. I guess I'd spend a great deal of time being mad if my DH acted that way. Does he laugh at you too? I think I agree with the bolded. Dealing with a bully is always difficult, and as long as they are in this situation they might as well practice how to handle it. What would happen if you laughed at DH next time he's upset about something? How do you think he would react? It might be worth spending some time thinking it through for yourself, then perhaps try discussing with DH from that angle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I would get really angry with my husband and make it clear that I am serious. Your son was expressing his emotions and your husband was trying to shut that down. Being a man is not a good excuse for it, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 It's not okay. Your husband is out of line and needs some counseling on how to handle emotions as well as some general information about child development if he thinks a distressed child, for whatever reason, is funny. Honestly, I would be furious. While I agree with others that 16 years is a long time, it is never too long to stand up for your children in this matter and to tell your husband to cut it out or get help. If you need help figuring out how to do that, then a few counseling sessions might be in order for you so that you can learn the skills you need to do that. Your kids will not only remember how they were treated by your husband, they will also remember how you responded to that treatment and that will affect them as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Not a parent ( ;)), but I was raised by such a parent. As a sensitive child (and still pretty sensitive as an adult), it did hurt and sometimes I think back and feel hurt all over again. Your husband isn't helping your son to develop a healthy way to show his feelings. Eventually, your son may decide it's better to NOT show his emotions and hold it all in. And that never leads to anything good. As other previous posters mentioned, I wouldn't count on change after 16 years. You may just have to coach your son to ignore his father when he does such things. You can't change your husband's actions, but you can teach your son to not react due to them. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 "DS, I'm so sorry that your dad is such an ass and an idiot. I understand how disappointed you are. Don't feel bad about being disappointed." Said loud and clear in front of Dh. It will toughen him up, doncha know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Thanks....it helps to have validation that I'm not wrong that this is bad behavior. Dh's childhood was awful, but I don't feel that's an excuse since he's overcome many, many other issues. For the most part he's been a good father to our children although the lack of empathy is definitely an issue he has with everyone, not just the kids. I have told him on numerous occasions that he's being an ass ... doesn't faze him. I've asked him if it makes him feel powerful to laugh at a child and he tells me I'm being too serious and making more out of it than it is. I know you all are right that this isn't a behavior I'm going to be able to change in him so I guess figuring out a way to deflect it is going to be the only option. I have told the dc over and over to just ignore him when it comes to these incidents...I've told them that dh has an issue with being empathetic and sympathetic since his own parents treated him so badly. I reassure them that he does love them dearly but that he never learned how to be compassionate and nurturing. I know that's why it hurts them so much when he does it. Because they love him so much...if it were another kid laughing at them they'd blow it off. I don't know how to get him to see that. Maybe having the kids articulate that to him would help. I've asked dh how he would feel the next time he gets upset about something and I just laugh at him and he said that it's not the same comparison since he only gets truly upset about things that are truly important...basically he's saying that most of the things a child gets upset about are silly and trivial; not like real adult issues. Ultimately, I've tried every way I can think of to explain how this behavior is wrong and damaging and he refuses to change or see things differently. The only issue he sees is me being overly sensitive. We're stuck with it until my kids feel confident enough to finally tell him how it makes them feel. I think the next time he does this I'm just going to take the child out of the room without saying a word to him. I'll treat this behavior the same way I treat undesirable behavior in my children - isolation. If you can't behave you need to be alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 He doesn't have to empathize. He just has to shut up. IOW - if you don't know how to help, it's better to just do nothing than to do what hurts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 He doesn't have to empathize. He just has to shut up. IOW - if you don't know how to help, it's better to just do nothing than to do what hurts. I like this. If you can't say something nice... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Maybe it would help if you started a discussion with DH by saying that your main objection is not him helping the kids develop a "thicker skin" (roll with the punches, not sweat the small stuff, etc), but rather, you aren't comfortable with the method he is using to achieve that goal. Perhaps suggest him modeling the behavior and self-talk like albeto discussed. Or, even just shifting from laughing at a crying child, to "direct instruction": "Buck up kiddo; I know you are disappointed, but a little thing like this is no reason to cry." Brainstorm with him other ways you both can work to toughen the kids up a bit that don't feel too harsh to you. You probably won't ever be able to completely "fix" the situation, but maybe you can mitigate it a bit. Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 He isn't going to change. It's been sixteen years. All he's really teaching the kids is that they can't share their feelings with him. If it were me, I'd still talk to DH about it in private knowing it wouldn't change a thing, but I'd also talk to DS about his feelings and his dad's response. "Your dad really thinks he's helping you make light of the situation by laughing. He isn't TRYING to hurt your feelings." Something along those lines (as it sounds like your DH truly feels he is helping them out in this area). It also sounds like he is extremely uncomfortable with the showing of emotion (my own DH is uncomfortable with crying, no matter the context. It freaks him out, lol). I'd make sure my kids knew the WHY behind their dad's attitude so they can start running his responses through the appropriate filter and aren't so easily hurt by his inappropriate laughter. :grouphug: Hope it gets better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My husband is far less sensitive than I, and for many years I worried that he wasn't sensitive enough. In the end, the kids have developed thick skins whereby they can laugh at themselves, and they can handle harsh comments without being thrown by them. I do think that's a good skill to have. Having said that, my dh would never laugh at a crying child, and does more to laugh at himself and model the behavior than impose it on the kids. His style is more about joking about the small things, when the complaining goes on and on, never at sincere distress, no matter what the cause. While I get what your husband is saying, I think he's going about it wrong. If I were in this situation, I'd quietly, privately tell him my concern is for the kids learning to ignore him and his opinions altogether, not to mention learning how to suppress sympathy from their future relationships. ETA: on further reflection, I do think that if a private talk didn't persuade him, then I don't think I could resist the opportunities to speak up like momoflaw mentioned. Just throw it right out on the table: Sometimes people are just mean, and we learn to ignore them. All of this. DH can be less sensitive than me at times which I believe can be a good thing. However he would *never* keep laughing/joking if one of the boys was crying. Learning to laugh at yourself is tremendous skill and is best taught through modeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5of5 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I've asked dh how he would feel the next time he gets upset about something and I just laugh at him and he said that it's not the same comparison since he only gets truly upset about things that are truly important...basically he's saying that most of the things a child gets upset about are silly and trivial; not like real adult issues. But, since they are kids, they are as important to them as his so-called adult issues are to him. What does his "adult" issues consist of? Is he going to die from cancer? Many adult issues are still somewhat relative and not the worst that can possibly happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 One other thing - I would mention to your DH that it is a wonderful thing to be 8 and for the big problem of the day to be a lack of snow. Those years don't last long and should be cherished. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Please don't just "deal" with this. Humiliating and shaming kids because of their feelings is really harmful. No amount of "just ignore him, he isn't good at empathy" will be able to counteract it. I'm honestly a little flabbergasted that you can put up with this. How can you possibly have any kind of relationship with him yourself? He is humiliating and shaming YOUR CHILDREN. I understand that this has gone on for 16 years, but that's already 16 years too long. It shouldn't go on any longer. This isn't an issue of if it continues it will be a problem. It already is a problem. Please get counseling yourself so you can hopefully learn to do something meaningful to stop this mistreatment of your children rather than teach them to ignore it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abacus2 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Even if he thinks laughing at kids for being upset about small things was a good idea (I don't), real playable snow in TN is no small thing to a child. That is typically a 2-3 times in a 5 year period event. A Disney trip is probably comparable. I agree with the others that you are probably not going to change him, but you can tell him and the kids that you think he is wrong openly. If you intend to start doing this, I would first talk to him about it and let him know that if he continues you will be sticking up for the kids when it happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I find it interesting how many of you say people don't change because I know people do change. It's the most wonderful thing that people can and do change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My dh used to do similar things in the vein of toughening up ds. Many a chat about how it was mean, you want your children to come to you with their problems, and it doesn't work and he eventually stopped doing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 It is not OK. J would not have tolerated it the first time 16 years ago. I cannot say what I would not at this point aside from ensuring it stopped now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Is your dh likely to read a book on the topic? One I would highly recommend is Real Boys: Rescuing Our Boys from the Myths of Boyhood, by William Polluck. He explains quite clearly how stifling the emotionss of boys leads them to only have one emotion: Anger. This leads them to react to all uncomfortable situations with anger and violence. You say your dh has overcome much of the abuse he suffered as a child. This leads me to think he has been willing to do the work necessary. Perhaps this book, or one like it, would get through to him. http://amazon.com/Real-Boys-Rescuing-Myths-Boyhood/dp/0805061835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1424109959&sr=8-1&keywords=real+boys+rescuing+our+sons+from+the+myths+of+boyhood Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I find it interesting how many of you say people don't change because I know people do change. It's the most wonderful thing that people can and do change. People only change if they want to change. According to the OP, she has mentioned to her husband before how she doesn't like this behavior. He hasn't changed. He doesn't say he wants to change. So, I don't see much chance of change. She can't make him change. And I don't think it is all that helpful to suggest to someone that she try and change someone else. Not saying you are suggesting that; but all we can really do is control how we see things or change our reaction to things etc. So... yes, the goal here would be that her husband see the error of his ways and make a change in his behavior for the sake of the kids and their family. But, he doesn't seem likely to do that any time soon. (just based on what the OP has said) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think your husband is the one afraid to express his feelings. He's afraid to let your son know that he, too, is sad that the boy is so disappointed. I would take him aside privately and ask him why is he afraid to show his empathy for the boy? And then I would talk privately about some better options for teaching the boy healthy, sustainable reactions to frustration. Such as, "Son, I remember being your age and I used to cry about my frustrations too. So I understand how you feel. Of course crying isn't going to fix anything, so let's think about what we can do to feel better. What can you do that's almost as fun as playing in snow?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Oh I know we can't change people and they have to change themselves. But they point is they can, and when you know they can and choose not to even try, that affects things, kwim? You can draw some lines in the sand. Counselling should definitely be considered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Yes... I agree, Hornblower. The OP is in a tough situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'm honestly a little flabbergasted that you can put up with this. How can you possibly have any kind of relationship with him yourself? Relationships can be tricky little beasties. Some of them grow into monsters never imagined from the beginning, some grow into beautiful works of art never before conceived. Things like this happen a little at a time. It grows in bits and pieces. Someone bites their tongue, hoping and praying the other will see the hurt of their words, wondering what they did to contribute, what they could do to avoid it next time, what if, what if, what if. I'm hesitant to give the OP a hard time for finding herself stuck with one foot in two worlds, likely two worlds she never signed up for. And frankly, some people avoid confrontation not because they're cowards, but because it's too painful, for whatever reason no one else will ever be privy to. It's not too late, OP, to address this. If your husband is either unable or unwilling to change, you can still be supportive to your kids, and I think there are lots of ideas in this thread to inspire you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I don't think ignoring it is going to work. You've been dealing with it for sixteen years or so, yes? If ignoring it worked then ya'll would be immune to it by now. So that doesn't work. What I find very troubling is that the reasoning he gives is so flawed. If adults are the only people who have problems, and those problems should be treated with respect and understanding, then why is it okay for him to make light of your concerns? You are an adult, and an adult with a real, deep and personal understanding of the children. If anything, you deserve to have your concerns taken seriously. And yet when you bring them up, you get blown off. I'd have a really, really hard time tolerating this behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 How? With an ultimatum? I am being serious. I find that with topics like this if one person doesn't want to change, they won't and it just drives the other person batty. And in situations like this one person doesn't see a problem so they have no motivation to go to counseling. Going alone (in my experience) never solved much but I know "go alone if you can't go together" is usually advised. See, I know this happens but I honestly cannot imagine a partner refusing to go to counselling if the other partner asks. That in itself would be so problematic: one person has a serious issue and the other is just blowing it off? This would be again a relationship threatening issue. So Yeah, I guess ultimatum is right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lifeoftheparty* Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Nope. Not right. I wouldn't stand for it at all. I'd be tempted to get revenge on him by laughing at him when he is upset, or something bad happens to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 What I would do, first, I would ask dh to stop (even though you know he won't) in front of the child. Then when your dh protested I would say, in front of the child, that dad is being a jerk right now, please ignore him. I would also have conversations with the kids at other times, without your dh, about how dad likes to handle things and how you handle those things differently. Everyone is different. I would work on teaching the kids to ignore that reaction of their dad. They need to learn that that is just how dad is sometimes, and they need to ignore it. I grew up with grandparents, aunts, and uncles, who all could be quite rough/cruel (in a loving, joking way). I'm a very sensitive introvert. But I did learn that that was just how my family was, and I learned how to handle it. I learned that because my mom was always straightforward with me and with them. She didn't try to placate them and she would tell them if they crossed the line. She backed me up, and because of that I learned how to deal with people like that. Extended family is a bit different than your own dad, but still I think your kids need to see you back them up, and at the same time they need to know that this won't affect your relationship with your dh (which could also upset them). No one is perfect, and sometimes you have to learn to accept the person, warts and all (my mom's favorite expression). Of course, it goes without saying, that does not apply to abuse or other dangerous or damaging behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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