Cammie Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hive, For reasons that are mostly cultural, I am going to have my almost 3 year old niece living with me for about 3-4 months. In my DH's culture the aunts and uncles are like surrogate parents almost. The world for uncle (who is the father's older brother) is "older father" and the word for the wife of that uncle is "older mother" (and yes, my kids get a big kick out of that!) We live on separate sides of the globe from my BIL. However, his daughter will be with us for a few months. My in-laws (the grandparents) are also coming to stay with us during this time. (And yes, if you were wondering, I am up for sainthood!) My question is how do you handle "parenting issues" when it is not your child? Would you try and do the same thing the parent would do? Or do you stick with the way you raised your own children? I know that this is going to be a complicated dynamic for us to handle. I would love to hear how other people might have dealt with similar situations. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 The longest I've had my niece is 2 weeks, and I've stayed with her (and my parents, with her mother coming in and out) for 2 weeks. While we're not half a world away, we don't usually see her much more than twice a year. (She's 5.) I've always treated her nearly identical to my own kids. Well, I try to watch my language a little better around her, lol, but that's about it. We just fold her into the crowd! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jasperstone Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 It depends at how hands- on the grandparents already are. You might find that they take the role from you. Otherwise, yes, she would be treated like my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 My impression is that I would me a much "firmer" parent than her own parents. My limits are limits. I don't give into crying or tantrums. The grandparents are going to be even more lenient and permissive so that is not going to be a balance. I just don't want to be seen as the "bad guy" in this whole dynamic. But I also don't want the chaos of not imposing some limitations. My children are significantly older than her so there is not going to be a situation of the exact same thing being handled differently between my kids and her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would make it very clear with her parents and grandparents before she even got there that it is your house your rules. I would not be able to handle a child for 3 months in my home without them following my rules. If the grandparents couldn't follow that I couldn't take either them in or the girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 My house, my rules. I'm not a tyrant. I'm not unkind. I do however have some house rules (i.e. no food on the couch...). But 3-4 days of turning a blind eye would be too much for me, and you're talking months. I'd be honest and communicate as clearly as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would definitely be providing gentle structure and house rules (we only eat at the table, meal and snack times, bed time, etc). Does she usually live with the grandparents? This sounds like a huge change for a very young child. I would also be looking for ways to connect with the child and to have good positive outlets for her. Do you have groups with kids in that age range? Will you have space and time for active play? Can she have regular outings? I have done child care and overnighters with a younger niece and nephew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 This is a HUGE change for her. Trying now to put in place a few classes in my neighborhood for her to attend. I have also scoped out a few playmates for her. Guess I am getting nervous as the reality starts to set in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 As a foster parent I will chime in. First of all, the first 2 weeks will be utterly chaotic and exhausting. Just expect it and roll with it. Plan simple meals, keep the schedule simple, us the TV if needed, etc. Just survive. It is a huge change for her, you, your family, etc. Is her language/culture very similar or will this be all different for her as well? We have done a lot of foster care and have had mostly local kids but also have done some refugee children who are coming not knowing any English, totally different culture, etc. I would gently maintain your rules, routine, etc. In foster care they say the kids need a steel box lined with velvet.......meaning they really do need those firm limits, clear boundaries, etc. but also the gentleness and understanding. I would make sure that you and dh are on the same page with things. It is much better to be more lenient if you both agree or a bit more strict if you both agree than to have one leaning one way and the other leaning the other way. Can dh communicate with his parents the expectations, etc. Try to carve out some time to spend 1:1 with your kids as this is a huge change for them as well. They might welcome it, enjoy it, etc. but at the same time have moments where they resent the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twolittleboys Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would definitely treat the child the same as my own kids but would make some allowance for "cultural" differences. I am not quite sure what the set-up is in your family - you mentioned that you live far apart but I am not sure how similar your traditions/customs are. For example if we eat with forks/knives (I wish!) but niece comes from a place where hands are used I would take that into account (just an example). It will be a huge adjustment for her so I would try not to be too strict with these things (especially as it sounds like she will be going back home after her stay). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 The child isn't yet 3, so if you have problems, they aren't going to come from her (not big ones, anyway). The problems are going to come from the grandparents. You need to have a sit-down with them ahead of time and let them know that they aren't getting a vote or an opinion on parenting while this child is in your home. If they can't handle it, they need to be somewhere else. And this goes not only for the 3 year old, but your own children as well. There is 1 set of parents and they aren't it. The last thing you need, or that your own children deserve, is 3 months of conflict with their grandparents over your decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aura Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I agree that the toddler is not going to be the problem. My dh is of a different culture than I am. In his culture, the oldest usually gets their way at the expense of everyone else. If grandparents came into a home, then the home changed to meet the grandparents wishes. This is all a way of showing respect to elders. In America, usually the one(s) who pay the bills is the "master" of the house, no matter how old anyone else living there is. These two cultural differences can cause huge issues. You can end up with two people (or sets of people) vying for control. You and your dh really need to sit down and set some clear boundaries. Make sure to let the grandparents know what those boundaries are before they come, and then again once they've arrived. Who is going to be ultimately in charge of the toddler? You and your dh? or the grandparents? And even then, there are certain house rules that always apply, like the no eating on the couches. JMHO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Do the grandparents overrule you in terms of status even though they are in your home? I would expect her to overall follow my rules, but I would also temper it with the knowledge that I am not her parent, and she is a baby who is away from her parents. She is young enough that she is going to be in the temper tantrum phase so you will be having to deal with that. Her expressive language isn't going to be great either. And if your parenting differs in a major way, say, if you spank or punish physically and her parents do not, I suggest you do not do that. That would prob cause a very, very big family rift if you hit their kid when they do not spank. Poor baby, I can't imagine taking a 2 year old away from her parents for 3-4 months. This could be very traumatic for her. Is she even potty trained? She might still be using sippy cups etc. Do you have a car seat for her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would not parent her the same as my children are not enduring a difficult and traumatic separation far away from their parents. Compassion. Lots of it. Poor sweet baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 After an initial little "honeymoon period" during which she observes and learns the rules, I would treat her the same as my own children. Granny is likely to spoil all the children more or less equally. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 You all have been wonderful at putting into words all that I have swimming around in my head. Yes, status wise it will be hard for me to overrule the grandparents. But they are also aware that they are in my house because everyone (including them) agreed they could not take care of her alone in their house. Yes, I need to remember the need for compassion and patience in this situation. I do need to go out and get sippy cups and a few other more toddler friendly items. Luckily she is bonded well to my kids (thanks to Skype and a recent visit from DD). She is also nicely bonded to DH because of his frequent visits. The problem is that I haven't physically been in the same room with her since she was 3 months old even though she saw me frequently on Skype as well. So she and I have to do some bonding right out of the block. Her dad is here for two weeks to settle her in. Culturally we are pretty much the same. Food will be the same as what she is used to. She speaks a mix of two languages right now...I understand one and the grandparents understand the other one! Thanks - keep the tips coming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 In this case, I would treat her as my own. I hope it's an unexpected blessing for you to bond with her! Is your dh's family Indonesian? Our Indonesian friends have a similar dynamic in their family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yes, status wise it will be hard for me to overrule the grandparents. But they are also aware that they are in my house because everyone (including them) agreed they could not take care of her alone in their house. If this is the case, you need to have a meeting NOW with your dh to iron out the rules and then both of you together need to have a meeting with the grandparents BEFORE anyone arrives. The issue, to me, isn't that they will spoil the 3 year old. Frankly, you're only going to have her for 3 months, so who really cares? So she'll be spoiled. Long term, that's somebody else's problem. The issues are: 1. They will not limit their interference to the 3 year old, but will also interfere with your older kids. I've seen too many of my friends go through this and it does a TON of damage to the family that takes YEARS to repair (and in some cases is never fully repaired). 2. That even though they are in your home because they can't care for the child, because their status will be perceived as above yours, that you will be treated at their servant/nanny/housekeeper. Your status in your own home will not only be unequal to theirs, it will be continually being lowered. Which has not only practical consequences (such as you cleaning up the huge mess from the 3 year old's 4th tantrum since breakfast) but also the effect it has on how your own children view you and the long term damage it does to your status and authority in their eyes (not just the authority to be obeyed, but their respect for your decision making and values). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I'd probably do it somewhere in the middle. That is, I'd strive for keeping up with our same family routines, rules, expectations with her, but would would also try and keep a close watch monitoring how she is doing emotionally, etc. I'd want her to feel loved and safe, and if that meant doing things a little differently than I would with my own children, then I would do that. I'd also explain to my own children that sometimes I might do things "outside of the normal rules" with her because her situation is outside of normal. I'd want them to understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 In your DH's culture she *is* your child. Parent her exactly as you'd parent your own children. Well, good luck. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Update...this is all happening as we speak. DH just casually mentioned that what was originally "1-2" months then "3-4" months may actually be "until June." But he doesn't really know. And he can't come out and ask. Because that would be rude. Yikes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 If this is the case, you need to have a meeting NOW with your dh to iron out the rules and then both of you together need to have a meeting with the grandparents BEFORE anyone arrives. The issue, to me, isn't that they will spoil the 3 year old. Frankly, you're only going to have her for 3 months, so who really cares? So she'll be spoiled. Long term, that's somebody else's problem. The issues are: 1. They will not limit their interference to the 3 year old, but will also interfere with your older kids. I've seen too many of my friends go through this and it does a TON of damage to the family that takes YEARS to repair (and in some cases is never fully repaired). 2. That even though they are in your home because they can't care for the child, because their status will be perceived as above yours, that you will be treated at their servant/nanny/housekeeper. Your status in your own home will not only be unequal to theirs, it will be continually being lowered. Which has not only practical consequences (such as you cleaning up the huge mess from the 3 year old's 4th tantrum since breakfast) but also the effect it has on how your own children view you and the long term damage it does to your status and authority in their eyes (not just the authority to be obeyed, but their respect for your decision making and values). Here at least there is a bright side. We live in a place where it is common place to have a maid/cook/nanny or sometimes all three! So no worries that I will become the housekeeper. We will be hiring an additional person for the time being to make sure that our regular person doesn't get overwhelmed!! The grandparents can't interfere too much with the older kids - major language barrier. They just ask about grades and are generally friendly. They will play some traditional games with DS that he loves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would want to know her specific bedtime routine, bath routine, morning routine and I would follow that to the letter, even if it was something that was different from what I did with my kids. For example, if she is used to falling asleep with the light on or after 3 stories or having her back rubbed etc that is what I would do. Keeping those sorts of things as similar as possible can go a long way to providing some comfort. Trying to change those things can be really difficult and prob not worth the hassle. And yes, I have done that exact thing for my own nieces and nephew. I don't mess with bedtime or bathtime! I have higher expectation of politeness than my extended family does, and I will make your kid say please, but I will put your kid to bed the way you tell me to do. Her grandparents might be a great source of information on that front. Maybe grandma or grandpa can give her a bath and put her to bed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aura Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Update...this is all happening as we speak. DH just casually mentioned that what was originally "1-2" months then "3-4" months may actually be "until June." But he doesn't really know. And he can't come out and ask. Because that would be rude. Yikes. This sounds similar to something that would happen at my house. :svengo: What seems rude to one is politeness to another. (Asking is rude to one. Not saying how long you'll be staying is rude to another.) There are going to be a million, tiny little differences like this that could drive a person insane. You and your dh are going to have to make sure you're on the same page and present a united front. For me, this would be a "take a stand" issue. I would have to know how long I would be sharing a home with grandparent-in-laws. YMMV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer132 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would set my own standards of behavior, just as if I was running a daycare, and my niece was one of those kids. 3-4 months is a long time. She will adjust to the idea that you expect one set of rules and her parents expect another. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Is it possible for you to have the little girl in your home for a bit BEFORE the grandparents arrive? I ask because it might help to build a bond between her and your family and establish routine and rules and a place she can feel loved and safe, etc. before they arrive. Then you can integrate them into everything as best you can. One of my concerns would be that the little girl, probably being more familiar with the grandparents, might turn to them consistently for support and instruction and take longer to bond with the rest of the family if they start out there. Also the grandparents might feel like really she is more their responsibility and so they should have more authority. But I don't know the family dynamic there, so maybe this is not an issue. Good luck and best wishes, to all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would treat her like my own. Same rules, same disciplines. However, when I was put in a similar situation I didn't have the in-laws there to disagree. I would have a sit down with them in the first few days so that everyone is on the same page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Update...this is all happening as we speak. DH just casually mentioned that what was originally "1-2" months then "3-4" months may actually be "until June." But he doesn't really know. And he can't come out and ask. Because that would be rude. Yikes. I think your biggest challenges are all of the cultural things. Like you said, you can't ask how long as that would be rude but coming from the US, I am sure that you want to know/plan, etc. Dh is Native American and it is very common in that culture as well for others to care for children. He has one cousin that for the longest time no one knew (kids, obviously adults did) who the mother was. Who the father is is still a mystery at 50 years old. His mother had 10 siblings but a few were raised by others and took that families last name even though they will full bios. My friend has adopted an Eskimo daughter and it is common there that if the mom has "enough" of one gender any more of that gender born are adopted out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I am looking at it from the perspective of my 9 yo niece. It would be very difficult because she is raised so much differently than how we raise our dd. I love her and she is a sweet girl it would just be very difficult to parent the way her parents do and it would be hard for her to adjust to our parenting. I wouldn't do it if my IL's were going to be there, that would be a disaster. I would ask your dh what is really expected. How different will it be for your 3 yo niece? Do you have the same parenting styles? I think a 3 year old would be easier to do this with than a 9 yo. I don't have any easy answers for you and hope it works out well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I married into a "it takes a village" culture. It was common for cousins to be passed around from house to house for months or in some cases for even a year or two. And it wasn't due to illness or death or anything catastrophic like that. I would treat her as your own child. I would also realize that you're going to have to be flexible because chances are high that the ILs will treat her as their own child and will treat your children as their own children as well. I would try to keep the focus on "the majors" when it comes to boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would want the same house rules to apply to all the children, especially for an extended stay. Niece is pretty young still so basic discipline/rules shouldn't be an issue. Since grandparents are staying too, it may be difficult to navigate the cultural differences though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I'm so fond of directness... I would want to just say to her parents and to the grandparents, once she's settled in a little, I intend to use the exact same style of discipline and sense of rules that I do with my own kids. Just so that everyone is on the same page. But I'm not sure how that goes over in with people who think it's rude to ask how long she'll even be there! Eek. She's three... so she should be adaptable and there should be less sense of "this is how we're supposed to do it!" that older kids can have. On the other hand, she's three, so tantrums will be pretty normal and need to be understood. Good luck. I hope you're able to claim that sainthood down the line. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Do the grandparents live with the BIL on a regular basis and do the disciplining? I may have missed this. Sounds like a tough situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I was that child and I remember chunks of that experience. It was very traumatic. Apparently I cried a lot though I don't remember the beginning. It was also very traumatic being forced to leave once I'd got settled in - that I do remember. I didn't want to go home. I also remember snuggling on people's laps a lot. I suspect I was quite a bit more needy than I normally would have been.... As an adult now, knowing the people who I stayed with and how they are, I expect they were fairly indulgent, probably bent rules for me & their child (who was about 3-4 years older) while we all adjusted. I attended a preschool program for a couple hours there & I still remember how much I liked the stuff the teacher gave me to do. It was very safe and gently structured. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would probably take the approach of "house rules." My DD has spend a good chunk of time at my mom's in another state (a month or so), and even at 5 she was quite capable of understanding that rules in different homes don't always match. For example, she had no trouble understanding that at grandma's house, you only eat at the table in the dining room, no food or drink except water is allowed in the living room or bedrooms. This is different from our house, where we went years without a dining table of any kind. As far as discipline, I would probably use what I'm comfortable with unless it was ineffective/confusing with that child, in which case I'd modify for the child. When I babysit a friend's 3 year old, I put him in time out for the same things I'd put my son in time out for (ex: hitting), but while my son is accustomed to his time-out chair and will sit in it, my friend's go-to time out is "nose against the wall, hands held behind back" so I send him to time out int he manner he's accustomed to on the closet door next to the time out chair (or a different space of wall if I put both in time out at once). If I was to take charge of him for four months, however, I'd probably not use the "nose to wall" thing as long as he gets the hang of putting his butt in a chair instead in short order. Honestly one of the benefits of extended family care is a child learning that there's more than one way of doing things in a household. So, by and large, in your situation I'd treat the child as I would my own children--including adapting discipline methods/rules for age and particular temperament. Even if it means being the "bad guy" from time to time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Let us know how the transition goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Can you enroll her in a preschool for a few hours a day? I have some experience with sort of thing, and in my experience, uprooted kids need routine. If you have preschool six days a week (I'm assuming India does school six days a week) that would be a huge routine setter. Everything else comes before and after and education is HUGE to all the Hindus I know personally, so I would imagine that grandparents would honor that. Even if there are reasons why she could not go to preschool, I would make a loose routine and stick to it as much as possible. Not so much, doing things at set times, necessarily, but doing things in order. Breakfast, story, play time, snack, lunch, story, play time, snack, walk with grandma, play time, dinner, story, bed time. As far as being the bad guy with having boundaries, I bet that if you read to her, show her affection, provide her with tasty food, she will not see you as a bad guy,even if you don't give her everything she wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I am trying to understand the situation. It's one thing to get shifted from house to house if the lines are blurred between extended family members and the child knows everyone and is familiar with the environment. It's another if this is a 2 year old being suddenly shifted to whole other environment without access to her primary caregivers. Age 2 plus or minus some is the most critical window for there to be a separation with the primary caregiver. Who does she normally live with ? Does she normally live with the grandparents or see them everyday? I'm trying to get an idea of how traumatic this will be for the child and why it is happening. She is young enough that there is a risk of permanent trauma, depending on how resilitent she is. With foster care, the risk of the sudden separation from primary caregivers is outweighed by the risk of the trauma of continuing with their normal caregivers. (Or should be. Placement in foster care is traumatic; it should only ever be done if continuing in the home is more traumatic.) I am coming at this from a mental health background (no longer practicing) and having been a specialized foster parent and having worked with kids with separations around this age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I think I would err on the side of compassion for such a baby away from parents with almost strangers. I can't even imagine what kind of a mess my sunny two year old would be in with that. Once she is settled a bit I would gently establish boundaries that you can live with but wouldn't expect to be able to do everything exactly as you always have. Having a two year old will change routines even if it's your two year old that you have always dealt with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Do the grandparents live with the BIL on a regular basis and do the disciplining? I may have missed this. Sounds like a tough situation. Nope. They haven't been with her since she was a few month old. They do regular Skyping but that is it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 I am trying to understand the situation. It's one thing to get shifted from house to house if the lines are blurred between extended family members and the child knows everyone and is familiar with the environment. It's another if this is a 2 year old being suddenly shifted to whole other environment without access to her primary caregivers. Age 2 plus or minus some is the most critical window for there to be a separation with the primary caregiver. Who does she normally live with ? Does she normally live with the grandparents or see them everyday? I'm trying to get an idea of how traumatic this will be for the child and why it is happening. She is young enough that there is a risk of permanent trauma, depending on how resilitent she is. With foster care, the risk of the sudden separation from primary caregivers is outweighed by the risk of the trauma of continuing with their normal caregivers. (Or should be. Placement in foster care is traumatic; it should only ever be done if continuing in the home is more traumatic.) I am coming at this from a mental health background (no longer practicing) and having been a specialized foster parent and having worked with kids with separations around this age. She lives with her parents. Has only Skyped with the grandparents since she was a few months old. That is one reason why this is happening I guess. To build a bond between the grandparents and her, and between us and her. This is a cultural phenomenon. I agree that in the American context it is totally not understandable (believe me I am still having trouble getting my head around it.) But in this cultural context it is accepted and common. We have a number of family members where the parents are living/working in the US and the children are being raised by grandparents in India. You are right, we should be prepared for this to be traumatic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 She lives with her parents. Has only Skyped with the grandparents since she was a few months old. That is one reason why this is happening I guess. To build a bond between the grandparents and her, and between us and her. This is a cultural phenomenon. I agree that in the American context it is totally not understandable (believe me I am still having trouble getting my head around it.) But in this cultural context it is accepted and common. We have a number of family members where the parents are living/working in the US and the children are being raised by grandparents in India. You are right, we should be prepared for this to be traumatic. If you have any influence on the family's decision and could wait even a year, it would significantly lessen the trauma for two reasons: 1) this is exactly the time in child development when the child is learning that they are separate from the parent, but that if the parent is out of sight, they are not permanently gone. Peek-a-boo is a favorite game during this phase . It is THE most damaging time to be separated from the primary caregiver that could be chosen and 2) another year gives more language. When kids are traumatized before there is language to process what is going on, they have less ability to cope with it while it's happening and it also becomes resistant to therapeutic intervention in the future because the memories don't have enough language to them. Another year and the language she has helps her to understand a little better that she is going away but will return home. I hope that you can understand that I am not talking about cultural differences. I'm talking about the human development. We have found before that some cultural practices have lasting damage to children. Children who are resilient will make it. Children who have innate vulnerabilities may be permanently damaged. If you have no influence and she must come at this age, then this is not a situation of "my house, my rules" but how do I most decrease the trauma this child is going through? As an adult, you'll get through the 3 months however aggravating. So yes, you do what her parents would do for her sake. It would be totally different if you were "older mother" who she actually knew and visited. Skype for a 2 year old does not mean the same sense of "knowing" that it would for an older child or adult. You are strangers to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 You are right, we should be prepared for this to be traumatic. Yes, it likely will but with understanding you can make the best of it. Is there a reason she is coming at 2 and not older like even 5 or 6 when she would remember some? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I might recommend that you look into some books on bonding and foster care. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft is one that's always mentioned. I think it might be really helpful to this child and to you even though she's not coming from "a tough place". I cannot fathom my own children at that age in that situation. Really, from the child's perspective, they are being adopted... And then re-united or disrupted. It's a tough age to do that, but pointing out the obvious is probably not helpful and who can argue with "it's the culture"? Poor kiddo! And I'm saying that while respecting the legwork you're doing as such a compassionate mom/wife/aunt to try and make this as minimally traumatic as possible. It may be really helpful that you've got awesome kids yourself. Our new nearly 2 year old daughter has bonded so completely and well with her siblings that it has been a great asset to her in what is never an easy situation. Preparing your 8 year old would be a top priority, too... maybe a bit of, "can you imagine??!" might help there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Here at least there is a bright side. We live in a place where it is common place to have a maid/cook/nanny or sometimes all three! So no worries that I will become the housekeeper. We will be hiring an additional person for the time being to make sure that our regular person doesn't get overwhelmed!! The grandparents can't interfere too much with the older kids - major language barrier. They just ask about grades and are generally friendly. They will play some traditional games with DS that he loves. In that case, honestly, I would just let go of the issue with the grandparents. You aren't going to be in this child's life long enough to influence her upbringing substantially, so your discipline preferences just aren't going to matter in the long run. As there is little chance the grandparents can do real harm to your family, I would just let them spoil her. Don't help them spoil her, but don't interfere, either. If she gets out of hand, just take her to the grandparents and let them deal with it. You just be her fun and cuddly aunt. Read stories, back cookies, play with dolls (or whatever 3 year old girls like to do). Work on keeping her busy so as to minimize opportunities for bad behavior (lots of outside exercise), but when it comes up if you can't redirect her easily, I would dump the problem in the grandparents lap, "Oh, you don't want to stop throwing the toys in the room. Well, I think it's time for you to go with with grandpa." It would be different if she were older, or going to be with you forever, but since's she 3 and we're talking a few months, I think the smartest thing to do is minimize the stress for everyone. Think of it as an extended vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Because this is your husband's family, let him lay down the "our house, our rules" expectation. That way you are not the one thrown under the bus. He needs to be firm about this with his parents. I would be extra loving with the toddler. This must be scary for her. It is really your in-laws that you need to worry about. Have you heard of DWIL Nation? If not, google it. They can be somewhat harsh, but you might be able to glean some "automatic response" language that might help you during this visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 She lives with her parents. Has only Skyped with the grandparents since she was a few months old. That is one reason why this is happening I guess. To build a bond between the grandparents and her, and between us and her. This is a cultural phenomenon. I agree that in the American context it is totally not understandable (believe me I am still having trouble getting my head around it.) But in this cultural context it is accepted and common. We have a number of family members where the parents are living/working in the US and the children are being raised by grandparents in India. You are right, we should be prepared for this to be traumatic. What do people in their culture expect? Is it customary that the visiting child gets treated like any of other the children in the home--or is it customary to treat the visiting child somewhat differently? Given the words they use to describe "older father, older mother" it sounds like they expect the child to be treated like any other child within the family. Maybe that's not so much of an issue when everyone involved is from the same culture if the parenting styles within the family is similar. You're an in-law from another culture. In American culture this type of thing rarely happens, unless someone has died or is somehow otherwise incapable of raising their own child. Does your husband's family know much about your culture? If it were me, I'd worry far less about my three year old niece living with me for a few months than I'd worry about an extended visit from my mother-in-law and father-in-law. If you get along with your mother-in-law and if you speak the same language, perhaps she can answer some of your questions on what's to be expected from their cultural perspective. If you can all come to an agreement and share the similar expectations, this will probably work better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebunny Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 OP I'm from a culture similar to your DH's culture and I thought I'll add my perspective..maybe it'll help. I think your BIL and his wife must trust you folks a lot to do this. Going by what I have read, their intention is to encourage love and bonding between your family and theirs. My suggestion is to focus on establishing love and trust between your family and your niece, as if she were your own little one. When the grandparents see that the ground rules stem from love, they are highly unlikely to interfere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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