NOT wanting to invite someone to a birthday party

[GinaPagnato]

I want to be sensitive because I know a lot of boardies have had their dc's feelings hurt over not being invited to birthday parties. I can totally sympathize. However, we have the opposite problem. My dc have many friends and they routinely go to birthday parties and I host them here when it's their birthdays.

 

What do you do when a child doesn't want to have another child come to his party? This is not being mean-spirited. This other kid is a nice friend, polite, easy-going. But he's a bit quirky and sometimes awkward. My ds is having a party and doesn't want this boy to come simply because he feels the mix of kids will be such that the quirky kid will be very obviously out of his element, which will make ds feel he has to babysit quirky kid so feelings don't get hurt. My ds is actually probably correct about the situation, although I have assured him that he doesn't need to spend his time making quirky kid feel included. There's a big group of kids coming, so he (quirky) will need to figure out how to mix. This doesn't reassure my ds, and since it is his birthday, I feel bad about pushing it too far.

 

Details: we are talking about 13 year olds and older (up to 16), and quirky kid lives on our street. He and my ds hang out together sometimes, but they're not besties. Although quirky kid would probably say that my ds is his good friend. Quirky kid may or may not see kids playing outside, and he may or may not feel compelled to join them without an official invitation. The other kids, including my dc, are very physical and athletic, quirky kid is not at all. I'm thinking of saying that ds doesn't have to extend an invite to quirky kid, but that if he (quirky) comes out to join the group, then he is to be very welcome and included in all activities. Ds would do this--he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

What do you all think?

[SKL]

I would invite quirky kid if you are inviting a bunch of kids.  If it is very small and limited, then no need to invite.

 

Quirky kid can decide whether he wants to make the effort or find a polite excuse not to come.

[NotSoObvious]

Well, you just described one of my twins. This is exactly why we homeschool and why I'm grateful for the friends we have. 

 

I don't expect my dd to always be included and I realize there will be many times when she is left out because of her social quirkiness. 

 

But I will always be grateful to parents who look for opportunities to include her and to teach their children how to be inclusive.

 

It's a tricky situation and I understand there are some kids who make group dynamics very difficult. 

[bzymom]

I would include quirky kid if the exclusion would be obvious and feelings would be hurt.

[displace]

If it's your DS's party and he doesn't want to invite someone, I would respect it at his age.

 

ETA -- as long as consequences of not inviting friend are thought about ahead of time. Maybe?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that your son shouldn't think that he needs to babysit a teen.  My son has ASD and recently decided to decline a large party because he knew that he couldn't handle the games etc.  I was glad that the person who invited him gave him a heads up on what was going to happen at the party so that he could make an informed decision.  

[Miss Mousie]

I think that your son shouldn't think that he needs to babysit a teen.  My son has ASD and recently decided to decline a large party because he knew that he couldn't handle the games etc.  I was glad that the person who invited him gave him a heads up on what was going to happen at the party so that he could make an informed decision.  

 

I really like this idea.  Maybe your DS could invite Quirky in person, and say, "we're planning to X, Y, and Z.  I'm inviting about 15 people, including quite a few kids you haven't met.  If you think any of those things will make you uncomfortable, that's fine, we can just do something fun together on another day." 

 

Um ... the way I phrased it sort of sounds like a veiled "please don't come," so maybe you and your son can come with a much better way to say it.

[Paige]

If your DS is concerned that the quirky child's feelings may be hurt from interactions at the birthday party, I would be sure to tell him that the child's feelings are probably guaranteed to be hurt if he doesn't invite him. Is your son comfortable choosing "definitely" hurt feelings over "possibly" hurt feelings? Even quirky kids can tell when they are being specifically excluded. It would be different if it were a small group of children from a specific school/club/sport that the other child wasn't involved in or if the child didn't live nearby. 

 

If this was a child that my child really didn't want a relationship with and wasn't friends with, I wouldn't push it. Since your son intends to keep this child as a friend, however, I would be very clear that if he excludes him then their friendship may be affected. Your son sounds very sweet and good natured and maybe he hasn't really considered the possible consequences of not inviting the kid. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I really like this idea.  Maybe your DS could invite Quirky in person, and say, "we're planning to X, Y, and Z.  I'm inviting about 15 people, including quite a few kids you haven't met.  If you think any of those things will make you uncomfortable, that's fine, we can just do something fun together on another day." 

 

Um ... the way I phrased it sort of sounds like a veiled "please don't come," so maybe you and your son can come with a much better way to say it.

Ds's friend just stated the first two sentences.  It was enough for us.  But . . . we have a diagnosis and not everyone does.  And we had the good advice of the ladies on the Learning Challenges subforum in deciding what to do!  I guess what I'm saying is that if Quirky decided to come, then you and your son shouldn't feel responsible for how comfortable he feels.  I know that as hosts we do want our guests to feel comfortable but this sort of comfort is beyond the ability of the host to guarantee.  

[Annie G]

Ds is old enough to pick who comes to his birthday party. I would respect that, but only after talking to him to be sure he's making an informed decision. 

 

Things to consider: Even though ds doesn't consider this kid his bestie, to the other kid, your son might be the best friend he has. 

If he doesn't know there is a party planned, he might just wander over. If he's included, that's nice, but he still might have his feelings hurt that he wasn't invited. 

Sometimes it's more about being invited than attending. Just being asked might be a big deal to this kid. Not that your son has to invite him, just  make sure he knows this kid might ask why he's not invited.  Ds has had that happen in the past- he finds out after the fact that there was a party but he wasn't invited because he's not that good with crowds. He knows that but still his feelings are hurt because it feels like they didn't want him there.  

 

But yeah, at 13 your ds should probably be allowed to pick and choose who comes to his party. 

 

 

[magnificent_baby]

I'll never forget when Dd's friend had a bday party down the street, and she wasn't invited but all of their mutual friends were there. They had a history of bickering from time to time, but got along most of the time. It was really upsetting (for her AND me) to see them all playing outside, and even riding their bikes back and forth, right in front of our house. I closed our shades and doors quickly so Dd didn't see this, but it was too late. I was so sad for her. 

 

My advice is to invite the kid if any of the guests will be outside. It could be very hurtful to him if he is intentionally left out. 

[GinaPagnato]

Thanks for the replies. By "quirky" I really meant...nerdy. So, no diagnoses, nor disabilities, perfectly normal kid in every way. Just kinda nerdy. The nerdiness is fine with ds when it's just the two of them b/c they've known each other a long time and ds is super good with people and appreciates him for who he is.  The other invited kids are "cool" (ugh, I feel like *I'm* in middle school now!), but I have no other way to describe them. Just more savvy, somewhat trendy kids. So, the difference would be REALLY obvious.

 

And ds wouldn't be able to help himself; he would make it a point to include the boy so he doesn't feel left out. This is what stresses ds out--he knows himself.

 

I think we won't issue an invite. If quirky comes over, he will be included in all the festivities, and I'm hoping he doesn't really connect the dots and realize he wasn't officially invited. One plus is that the other kids are all friends with ds from a different activity, so there's the cover story that he was just asking this particular group, but, hey, Quirky, why don't you join in!!

[GinaPagnato]

No, he really is afraid that the boy will feel left out, won't understand references, won't be able to hold his own when they play sports and rough house, etc. And, he's right.

 

I hate stuff like this. :(

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Thanks for the replies. By "quirky" I really meant...nerdy. So, no diagnoses, nor disabilities, perfectly normal kid in every way. Just kinda nerdy. The nerdiness is fine with ds when it's just the two of them b/c they've known each other a long time and ds is super good with people and appreciates him for who he is.  The other invited kids are "cool" (ugh, I feel like *I'm* in middle school now!), but I have no other way to describe them. Just more savvy, somewhat trendy kids. So, the difference would be REALLY obvious.

 

And ds wouldn't be able to help himself; he would make it a point to include the boy so he doesn't feel left out. This is what stresses ds out--he knows himself.

 

I think we won't issue an invite. If quirky comes over, he will be included in all the festivities, and I'm hoping he doesn't really connect the dots and realize he wasn't officially invited. One plus is that the other kids are all friends with ds from a different activity, so there's the cover story that he was just asking this particular group, but, hey, Quirky, why don't you join in!!

 

Well, I'll be the first one to say I'm sittin' here judging. Y'all need a new definition of "cool."

 

I thought you were talking about a child on the autism spectrum (or with other challenges) who would, himself, be genuinely uncomfortable in some situations so it's a kindness to him to either invite him another day or make sure the invite includes all the information he needs to make his own decisions about whether he wants to attend.

 

But no, he's just a nerd. Not cool enough for the other friends coming over. You'll need a cover story for Quirky if he does drop by.

 

Could ds maybe not invite all the snobs, and instead invite this neighbor whose company he does enjoy, since he values "accepting people as they are?"

[kroe1]

You have the opportunity to teach your kiddo to be inclusive. Take it. That is my vote.

[Storygirl]

I can see both sides. Your son has the right to choose who he wants to have to have at his party. The neighbor boy will most likely feel excluded and unhappy. It may affect the friendship. If he wanders over and joins the party, it will be even more awkward, I think, because he will realize it is a party that he has unwittingly blundered into and that he was not invited.

 

Can you alert his family that you are having a social event at your home that day, that your son definitely did not want to hurt the neighbor's feelings, and let the other family figure out how to inform their son about what is going on in a way that they think is best? You would have to think through how to phrase it. You don't need to say it is a birthday party, but just that it is a gathering. You don't even need to say that it is your son's party, since you have other children. Just that your family is having an event, and that even though you couldn't invite the neighbor boy (no need to tell why), you didn't want him to feel bad.

 

Personally, I think I would encourage my son to invite him. I might tell the boy that he won't know most of the other kids, so that he is welcome to bring a friend along if he wants.

[Catwoman]

Thanks for the replies. By "quirky" I really meant...nerdy. So, no diagnoses, nor disabilities, perfectly normal kid in every way. Just kinda nerdy. The nerdiness is fine with ds when it's just the two of them b/c they've known each other a long time and ds is super good with people and appreciates him for who he is. The other invited kids are "cool" (ugh, I feel like *I'm* in middle school now!), but I have no other way to describe them. Just more savvy, somewhat trendy kids. So, the difference would be REALLY obvious.

 

And ds wouldn't be able to help himself; he would make it a point to include the boy so he doesn't feel left out. This is what stresses ds out--he knows himself.

 

I think we won't issue an invite. If quirky comes over, he will be included in all the festivities, and I'm hoping he doesn't really connect the dots and realize he wasn't officially invited. One plus is that the other kids are all friends with ds from a different activity, so there's the cover story that he was just asking this particular group, but, hey, Quirky, why don't you join in!!

He's 13. I assume he's not a complete moron. He is definitely going to know he wasn't invited.

 

I'm usually the one who says a kid should be able to invite whomever he wants to his party, but in this case I think the "nerdy kid" should be invited, too, because he lives in the neighborhood and I would hate to see his feelings get hurt.

 

I do think it's OK for your ds to preface the invitation by telling the boy that he's having a party and all of the other kids will be from a different activity, but that he's welcome to come, too. Your ds can mention that he and the boy won't have much one-on-one time together, and that he would understand if the boy would feel weird around so many kids he doesn't know, but leave the final decision up to the other boy.

 

How can you be so sure that the boy won't hit it off with another kid or two at the party and end up having a great time? Are you sure you and your ds aren't underestimating him?

 

I think it's kind of sad to hear him described as a "normal" kid who is "nerdy" or "quirky." :(

[bolt.]

If your son intends to go on being friends with a nerd, he may want to actually learn how to let go of that feeling that stresses him out and makes him want to "babysit".

 

As a formerly nerdy kid, I would much rather have felt uncomfortable on the fringes of a cool party (for a good friend) -- than not.

 

If your son is concerned about how his nerd will actually feel, he should invite him. If he's more concerned about how he, himself will feel having to watch the social dynamic, insead of the actual hurt of "would a real friend leave me out?" (which he wouldn't have to observe) I think that's selfish.

 

The cultural idea that kids should have everything their own way on their birthday should not extend to allowing immaturity to prompt premeditated selfishness. If you want him to have a birthday all his own way, hold the party on a nearby day instead. Expect him to be a good host and a good friend, even if it means that it might be an effort for him during the party.

[J-rap]

If he were my son and in those circumstances, I would tell him that he had to invite Quirky.  I think age 13 is still an age that might require a parent stepping in.  Your son shouldn't have to babysit him;  he could just treat him in a friendly manner as he does everyone else.  It's true that you as the birthday boy's parent might need to reach out to Quirky a little more during the party, but that's what a host does.  Your son could give Quirky a head's up about what will go on at the party, and then Quirky can decide if he really wants to go.  (And you'd have to be careful about wording that.) 

[Storygirl]

I wanted to add that as a child, I was the nerdy kid who was often left out. Thinking about it still hurts, more than thirty years later. If your son's reasons are that he doesn't want the boy to feel awkward during the games and activities, you might want to help him see that being left out altogether will be even more painful.

[Catwoman]

No, he really is afraid that the boy will feel left out, won't understand references, won't be able to hold his own when they play sports and rough house, etc. And, he's right.

 

I hate stuff like this. :(

The thing is, the kid is only 13. If no one ever invites him to a party, how is he ever going to learn how to fit in? If he feels awkward, that will be unfortunate, but at least he would view your ds as a kind person who invited him to a party -- and no matter what happens, I think it will end up being a learning experience for the boy.

 

I know the boy isn't your responsibility, but if your ds likes him, why should he be excluded from his party because he's "not cool enough?" He's obviously "cool enough" for your ds to hang around with when his "cooler friends" aren't around.

 

I know I sound judgmental, but I'm feeling very sorry for that boy and I can imagine how he will feel when he realizes he wasn't invited to the party.

 

For all you know, his family may have plans for that day and he won't be able to attend anyway, but it would probably make him very happy to be invited.

[Storygirl]

Also, if your son is sure that he doesn't want to invite the neighbor, maybe you should consider having the party somewhere other than at your home. Maybe go to a park if they are going to want to do sporty things.

[Catwoman]

I particularly like nerdy people.

 

Send him over here. :laugh:

Same here. I think he sounds sweet.

[Spryte]

We invite the neighbor kid to our parties, if we 're having the party at home. It feels kinder. You and your kiddo have to do what's right for you, but one other option to consider might be changing venues. Could you have the party in another location? So this other friend doesn't have to see that there is a party to which he was not invited?

[Firefly]

Aw.  The only reason he's not going to be invited is because he's a nerd?? :(  

 

As a formerly nerdy kid, I would much rather have felt uncomfortable on the fringes of a cool party (for a good friend) -- than not.
 

 

YES. 

 

Signed,

 

Formerly and Currently Nerdy

[zoobie]

Quirky--I was thinking along the lines of the others earlier. Nerdy? Now it sounds like a movie plot. If he doesn't want to be friends with the guy any more, don't invite him. But don't expect it to not hurt feelings.

 

I wouldn't make my kids invite mean people to their parties. Or if it were a small gathering, ok, he's not top 3. But a large party with only the cool kids would feel wrong to me.

[Annie G]

I'm amending my answer.  

 

This kid is probably going to have his feelings hurt. If he shows up uninvited, you say your ds would welcome him and include him. But if that happens, the other 'cool' guests will surely realize this kid wasn't invited. And how will they treat him?  So if ds would welcome him and include him if he just comes over, why not just invite him in the first place?

 

 

And this friend will soon figure out that ds is probably only conditional friends with him- only when there's nobody else around or if he's bored. So the friendship might come to an end soon.  If ds wants to keep this friendship, he should really think twice before hurting the boy's feelings. The cool kids get lots of party invites. This kid might not get many.  

 

[idnib]

I thought feeling awkward was a normal 13 year old thing.

Maybe that was just me though.

 

It was just you. The rest of us were ultra-cool.  :coolgleamA:

 

:D 

 

 

OP. I would invite nerdy kid to the party and use it to teach my son how to develop a way to deal with differences like this.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would invite him and I would also try to think of someone else to invite who he would be pretty comfortable with, and steer them together.  And I think it's endearing that your son knows that he would want to pay attention to this friend, and that that is something that you should encourage in him--compassion and inclusiveness are good character traits.

[NotSoObvious]

I would help my child do the right thing, even if he gets shunned by the cool kids. At least, that's where my priorities would be. 13 is definitely not too old to need guidance with these things. He's just beginning to navigate these types of social situations. 

[myfunnybunch]

The nerdiness is fine with ds when it's just the two of them b/c they've known each other a long time and ds is super good with people and appreciates him for who he is.  The other invited kids are "cool" (ugh, I feel like *I'm* in middle school now!),

 

I am trying to think of a gentle way to say this, but I can't. Please understand that my intention is kindness, but I'm going to be very direct:

 

It is "middle school" thinking to be okay with the nerdiness only when the cool kids aren't around. And you're buying into it.

 

I understand the awkwardness. But this kid IS going to be hurt and left out if he's not invited. There's just no way around that. You've got an opportunity to teach a really important lesson about what's cool. You know what's really cool? Kindness.

 

Cat

[FaithManor]

If your son and friends are athletic and want to do sports things, have a sports themed party, advertise it as such, blatantly, obviously as such, and then invite the boy. Have your ds be warm and welcomimg, but enforce the fact that it is his party and he should eagerly do the activities he loves. It's a good opportunity for both of them; Ds practices not taking on a social problem that is not his to solve and can visit with friend during the refreshments part of the party, but celebrate doing what he enjoys with people who also enjoy it. The other boy can practice joining in, cheer on the participants, or choose that maybe this particular party is not up his alley. The two boys could get together for a couple of hours some other time.

[GinaPagnato]

No, I totally get nerdy, and I think he's a neat kid, very sweet, smart, etc. But he does some strange things, like making these weird voices at random times and continuing to speak in them when it's really kind of awkward. He also does things like eat bugs, and once he put a frog in his mouth. A real frog. He's a nice boy, just different from my son's other friends. And no, my ds doesn't use this kid for when he's bored--please don't take it to that level. They do hang out together from time to time, and it's almost always at my son's initiative since in my son's words, "All he does is play computer games all day, so I try to get him to come outside." For example, they haven't played together in 2 weeks because the kid got a new video game console and he's not interested in coming out to play. So it's not like they're together all the time, although they spent more time together this summer prior to the gaming console purchase. Plus, he doesn't play football or basketball, like these other kids, and when he can't hang with other kids he sits on the stoop. My son can anticipate this happening since it has occurred in the past. He just doesn't want to deal with it at his party and I don't know if it's right to make 8 other kids stop an activity they're enjoying because one kid can't hang and chooses to sit there.

 

[GinaPagnato]

I would invite him and I would also try to think of someone else to invite who he would be pretty comfortable with, and steer them together.  And I think it's endearing that your son knows that he would want to pay attention to this friend, and that that is something that you should encourage in him--compassion and inclusiveness are good character traits.

 

Thank you for this. My son is very aware of other people's feelings, and is so caretaking even when I reassure him that it's not his job to be.

[Meadowlark]

I definitely think this is an opportunity to teach compassion, tolerance, and acceptance of people different than you. You mentioned that your son hangs out with him 1:1. If he's so "nerdy" why does your son like him? If he's not good enough to invite to a birthday party, why is he good enough to be friends with? Does your son hang out with these "cool" kids 1:1 or as much as the nerdy one? And if not, are they only being invited because of the coolness factor?

 

I'm sorry, but this bothers me. It's a double standard. Surely it won't kill your son to invite one person he's not thrilled to invite. Yet, it might devastate the other boy. Imagine this from his point of view. He's surely aware of his quirkiness. He's found a friend in your son and your son's never given him a reason to question the friendship. One day he looks outside and there's a big old party down the street, and he realizes the friendship was a hoax. Unless of course your son explains to him that he's too nerdy to attend his party, but he'll meet up with him after.

 

Do you realize how ridiculous and hurtful this seems? I would seriously reconsider the invitation.

[songsparrow]

Your son sounds very kind and thoughtful as well as socially savvy, so I am going to assume that the reason he does not want to invite this kid is for the reason he stated - that this kid won't fit in well with this crowd and it will make things uncomfortable for everyone.  

 

I think it's fine for your son to not invite this kid to this party, since you said the kids being invited are from a different group / activity.  The only time I think you're obligated to invite someone to a party is when most or all of the others from the same group are being invited.  For example, if all the kids on the street who hang out together are being invited, it's not OK to leave one out.  

 

However, I think it is kind and polite to also not make it obvious to this kid that he's being left out.  So I think it would be a good idea to have the party at a different location where he won't see the activities.  Also, perhaps your son could invite this kid to do something else to celebrate his birthday at a different time, something he knows that he and this kid would enjoy.

[Harriet Vane]

I have read the whole thread.

 

Definitely invite the nerdy kid. Don't attempt to babysit him, either. Just have the party, being kind to all.

 

The consequences of not inviting the nerdy kid are that your son learns some negative, exclusionary social behavior, that your son learns how to be socially manipulative, and that nerdy kid's feelings are (legitimately) hurt, that the friendship will be impacted.

 

Seriously, just invite him. Be open, kind, and friendly. Accept him. Better to let the chips fall where they may where you have tried sincerely to show true kindness.

[elegantlion]

Invite the nerd and see what happens. Even Patrick Dempsey once played a nerd. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092718/

 

13-16 is awkward, kids grow at different rates, physically, maturity, etc. Differing interests start to develop. If ds has a relationship already with this kid, it would hurt his feelings to not be invited. I was that nerdy kid that still remembers what it's like to not be included. Because these kids seem to have differing cliques, I would try to find some common ground. I absolutely would see it as a life lesson on hosting and making everyone feel included. What do the "cool" kids have in common with the neighbor boy? Maybe there is something that could be an in for him. 

 

I would not allow my son to exclude someone because they didn't run in the same social circles. the most fun parties I remember from junior high were the ones were cool people, nerds, and stoners were all invited. Besides, I would think my son would feel a bit guilty about not being able to talk about the cool birthday party with this child. 

 

But we're nerdy, quirky and never come across as "normal". so that's my perspective anyway. 

[Soror]

I would join in the chorus invite the nerdy kid.

 

This is a lifelong lesson and as a parent I'd rather teach the lesson that we include all, even if it is uncomfortable for us.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

No, I totally get nerdy, and I think he's a neat kid, very sweet, smart, etc. But he does some strange things, like making these weird voices at random times and continuing to speak in them when it's really kind of awkward. He also does things like eat bugs, and once he put a frog in his mouth. A real frog. He's a nice boy, just different from my son's other friends. And no, my ds doesn't use this kid for when he's bored--please don't take it to that level. They do hang out together from time to time, and it's almost always at my son's initiative since in my son's words, "All he does is play computer games all day, so I try to get him to come outside." For example, they haven't played together in 2 weeks because the kid got a new video game console and he's not interested in coming out to play. So it's not like they're together all the time, although they spent more time together this summer prior to the gaming console purchase. Plus, he doesn't play football or basketball, like these other kids, and when he can't hang with other kids he sits on the stoop. My son can anticipate this happening since it has occurred in the past. He just doesn't want to deal with it at his party and I don't know if it's right to make 8 other kids stop an activity they're enjoying because one kid can't hang and chooses to sit there.

 

Nobody is going to do the JAWM thing on this topic, I'm afraid.

 

Everybody has affirmed that all people have the right to invite guests to their parties according to their taste, and according to their idea of the blend of guests that will make for a good party. As mothers of sons we'd prefer your son accepted his friend as he is, and expected his buddies to "love me, love my friend," but he might not be able to do that yet.

 

You and your son are the best judges of whether not there is enough maturity all around to be good hosts, good guests, etc. (or, if not, whether now is the time to teach these things), so you should go with your own judgment on this one. Several people have mentioned having the party away from home -- that's a really good suggestion.

 

The former nerds and mothers of nerds here are probably near the end of patience and understanding for this "problem."

[Supertechmom]

Okay, is he nerdy in the sense of your typical nerd like movie nerd type or is he unable to adjust to different social situations?

 

I have two nerdy kids complete with the frail lanky awkward look. However, they are more than able to hang with the muscle dudes and chat "cool". It may be that they have to switch gears or need some prep like "if no one is talking minecraft, Do NOT bring it up and talk about it for 20 mins". Or if all the kids wander off to play football suck it up and offer to let's go play ball with the last remaining kid too polite to tell you to shut up and play ball. They needed some of that type of social clue awareness when they were around 8-13ish. As mom of the party, I would suggest you keep your eyes open and if you see the "awkward " not adjusting to social clues moments, clue him in kindly and redirect. If he is trainable, then invite him and help him learn to navigate groups out of his comfort area.

 

Question though is your son really friends with him or just when he needed a buddy from time to time? Sometimes as the teen years have shaped up, we have changed friends or dropped friendships because they realized they just were not really friends but just play date buddies. Once old enough to formulate their own friends, some of those from the play years didn't make it.

Which is how it works. I have tons of acquaintances and few from that group I call friends.

[Bootsie]

From my experience, by the time kids are in their teens, requiring a child to invite a "quirky" kid to their party results in the "quirky" child being seen as even more quirky and less desirable to be around.  As an adult I do not invite every friend to every social activity I have.  Yes, I have some friends I enjoy being with on a one-on-one basis or in certain activities, but not in other activities.  This isn't because I don't want to be "cool"--it is a reality in interpersonal relationships.  I think the teen years are a time to start having your child respect those differences and decide how to navigate them.  

 

Is a "I am having a group of kids from my sports team over for my birthday, but I get to invite one person over for a special birthday dinner and I choose that to be you" a possibility in this case?

[Jean in Newcastle]

A couple of thoughts.

 

ASD kids do not have ASD tattooed on their foreheads.  Often they are the nerdy kids who play computer games, make weird noises and put frogs in their mouth.  Or not.  But you don't really know.  No one knows that ds is ASD.  Even the neuro-psych said that he would not have pegged him as ASD if he had met him on the street.

 

If it is a party of kids from a certain sport or group then I think it is ok to tell a neighbor "hey, I'm having kids from XYZ club over on Saturday so I won't be able to get together with you then.  But I'd like to go out for pizza on Friday (or Sunday) with you.  Do you think that would work?"  It gives him a heads up that there will be a party but that the lack of an invite is because he's not part of an actual official group - not that he's not invited because he's not part of the "cool group".  

[fairfarmhand]

I am trying to think of a gentle way to say this, but I can't. Please understand that my intention is kindness, but I'm going to be very direct:

 

It is "middle school" thinking to be okay with the nerdiness only when the cool kids aren't around. And you're buying into it.

 

I understand the awkwardness. But this kid IS going to be hurt and left out if he's not invited. There's just no way around that. You've got an opportunity to teach a really important lesson about what's cool. You know what's really cool? Kindness.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:

 

 

I was the nerdy friend. Always felt on the outside and valued the few friends that I had highly, even though I knew that they felt differently about me than I did about them. Anything that demonstrated that that friend really didn't feel so enthusiastic about our friendship, really stung.

 

Your son, as sweet as he is, needs to be clued in to this social dynamic. That sometimes we invite people (even though we might not have quite as much fun) because THEY need US. That's what reaching out is. That's what friendship is. If he doesn't want to be friends with this boy, then so be it; 

 

But by NOT inviting him, (even if he really doesn't feel this way) he's giving the impression that he's using the other boy for companionship when there's no better offer around. And as someone who received this treatment as a child, it hurts.

 

Yes, the other boy may be awkward. Yes, the other boy may end up going home early. Yes, the other boy may sit on the fringes. But from another fringe sitter, I preferred being included, sitting alone, than to being home and hurt.

 

If he were my son, I'd encourage him to do the KIND thing. Include the boy on the invitation. Mention the activities that were occurring and the people that were going to be there, and let the other boy come. He may have a great time. The other boys may get to know him and really enjoy his nerdiness. Especially if your son makes and effort to include the boy in the conversation.

 

Also, your son needs to know that gatherings don't have to be one dimensional to be a party. IOW, lots of different people with lots of different interests can get together and have a BLAST!

 

[Desert Rat]

This.

Well, I'll be the first one to say I'm sittin' here judging. Y'all need a new definition of "cool."

 

I thought you were talking about a child on the autism spectrum (or with other challenges) who would, himself, be genuinely uncomfortable in some situations so it's a kindness to him to either invite him another day or make sure the invite includes all the information he needs to make his own decisions about whether he wants to attend.

 

But no, he's just a nerd. Not cool enough for the other friends coming over. You'll need a cover story for Quirky if he does drop by.

 

Could ds maybe not invite all the snobs, and instead invite this neighbor whose company he does enjoy, since he values "accepting people as they are?"

 

And this.

You have the opportunity to teach your kiddo to be inclusive. Take it. That is my vote.

 

And this.

The thing is, the kid is only 13. If no one ever invites him to a party, how is he ever going to learn how to fit in? If he feels awkward, that will be unfortunate, but at least he would view your ds as a kind person who invited him to a party -- and no matter what happens, I think it will end up being a learning experience for the boy.

I know the boy isn't your responsibility, but if your ds likes him, why should he be excluded from his party because he's "not cool enough?" He's obviously "cool enough" for your ds to hang around with when his "cooler friends" aren't around.

I know I sound judgmental, but I'm feeling very sorry for that boy and I can imagine how he will feel when he realizes he wasn't invited to the party.

For all you know, his family may have plans for that day and he won't be able to attend anyway, but it would probably make him very happy to be invited.

My heart hurts that this kid would be excluded because he says weird things sometimes or acts weird sometimes. Isn't that true of all 13 year olds? Even the "cool" ones?

Maybe I'm internalizing because I was that kid that was excluded for being weird. And my son is weird. I'm really trying to be nice and respectful. So, I'm going to be quiet now and leave it at that. 

[PrairieSong]

Once a classmate of mine invited some other girls from our class and a few other friends to her BD party, but not me. We had a VERY small class, six girls and four boys. We all played together at school and sometimes she and I went to each other's houses because we lived very close. I could see the party going on from my yard and it really hurt. I wasn't a quirky kid either.

 

So yes, I would definitely invite the quirky neighbor boy.

[Mrs Mungo]

Thanks for the replies. By "quirky" I really meant...nerdy. So, no diagnoses, nor disabilities, perfectly normal kid in every way. Just kinda nerdy. The nerdiness is fine with ds when it's just the two of them b/c they've known each other a long time and ds is super good with people and appreciates him for who he is. The other invited kids are "cool" (ugh, I feel like *I'm* in middle school now!), but I have no other way to describe them. Just more savvy, somewhat trendy kids. So, the difference would be REALLY obvious.

Wow, well, this certainly makes it *sound* mean-spirited.

[fairfarmhand]

No, I totally get nerdy, and I think he's a neat kid, very sweet, smart, etc. But he does some strange things, like making these weird voices at random times and continuing to speak in them when it's really kind of awkward. He also does things like eat bugs, and once he put a frog in his mouth. A real frog. He's a nice boy, just different from my son's other friends. And no, my ds doesn't use this kid for when he's bored--please don't take it to that level. They do hang out together from time to time, and it's almost always at my son's initiative since in my son's words, "All he does is play computer games all day, so I try to get him to come outside." For example, they haven't played together in 2 weeks because the kid got a new video game console and he's not interested in coming out to play. So it's not like they're together all the time, although they spent more time together this summer prior to the gaming console purchase. Plus, he doesn't play football or basketball, like these other kids, and when he can't hang with other kids he sits on the stoop. My son can anticipate this happening since it has occurred in the past. He just doesn't want to deal with it at his party and I don't know if it's right to make 8 other kids stop an activity they're enjoying because one kid can't hang and chooses to sit there.

 

Sorry, I didn't see this post before I posted my reply.

 

I would not make other kids stop playing or change activities because of one kid. Just invite him, let the other kids do their thing and see what happens. As long as everyone is being polite and kind, then nerdy will be okay.

 

But then I am a bit weird anyway, and I really don't go for compartmentalizing my social circles. We'll invite my dh's engineering friends, our farming friends, my homeschooling friends, and our church friends for a cookout and everyone has a great time. People find things to talke about and enjoy one another's company.

 

But then we are adults.

 

Perhaps your son needs some coaching on how adults handle such things?

[Kathryn]

I'd either invite the kid or have the party elsewhere. There's no need to babysit him. Just be upfront about what will happen: "hey, I'm having a party on Saturday for my birthday. I'm inviting the guys from my basketball team and we're going to play ball in my driveway. Would you like to come?"

[GinaPagnato]

From my experience, by the time kids are in their teens, requiring a child to invite a "quirky" kid to their party results in the "quirky" child being seen as even more quirky and less desirable to be around.  As an adult I do not invite every friend to every social activity I have.  Yes, I have some friends I enjoy being with on a one-on-one basis or in certain activities, but not in other activities.  This isn't because I don't want to be "cool"--it is a reality in interpersonal relationships.  I think the teen years are a time to start having your child respect those differences and decide how to navigate them.  

 

Is a "I am having a group of kids from my sports team over for my birthday, but I get to invite one person over for a special birthday dinner and I choose that to be you" a possibility in this case?

 

I guess this is the way ds views it. These other kids are from a particular activity, all know each other, and none know the other boy. We adults do the same thing, right? A club is having a social gathering for its members, so those are the ones who are invited. Of course, we are adults, and hopefully we don't get our feelings hurt this easy as this is part of life.

 

I suppose the difference is that it's a birthday party. However, the boy would have no way of knowing this since he really doesn't know ds's birthday. They have never discussed it. And unless we cart the cake, ice cream and balloons outside, then for all intents and purposes, it will look like ds is having some friends over from his specific activity to play. He didn't invite ALL of his friends, just the ones from this group.