Farrar Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Deleted. Advice gotten. Not going. Small update at the end. Thanks, everyone for supportive and thoughtful comments. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I don't think you should go. Send a nice card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrittanyM Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I wouldn't go... If he was making an effort to repair the relationship as well that might be worth it, but it certainly sounds like he isn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I'd write a nice note expressing my regrets, put it in a card, and not go. If I didn't care about attempting to repair the relationship, I'd just RSVP no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 If you truly believe whatever went on with your relatives was not your fault, then I vote for you to hold your head up high and be the better person. It sounds like you do want to make things right and this would be a perfect opportunity. You will know by how they treat you at the wedding and afterwards whether your gesture to let the past be the past and move forward is well received. It's never wrong to do the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 It's an expensive ticket, you and your dh are really needed by your children that week, and if you think any focus is going to be on your relationship with your relatives, you are mistaken. The bride and groom will be focused on their wedding, not repairing relationships. I think it's admirable to want to go to repair things, but I don't think the timing is good. And how will you feel if they or others are snarky to you? When you could have saved yourself the money and trouble and just sent a nice card... Just food for thought. ((Hugs)) Not an easy situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 It sounds like you already have commitments that week. I wouldn't want to be out of state while my children were at camp, just in case something happened. Also, leaving Dh off the invite would rub me the wrong way. If it weren't for the kids being at camp I could probably overlook the slight and go for the sake of the relationship, but my kids are priority. I'd send a card and a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Nope. People don't change. Send a card, maybe a gift with your regrets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would send a card saying that you'd love to be there, but unfortunately you have prior commitments, and that you wish them much happiness. Personally, I'd send a nice gift, too (which is way cheaper than a plane ticket). I agree with a PP that this is not a good time to try to mend fences, as the bride & groom will be entirely focused on the wedding, and there will be many other people there they will want to spend time with. If you do go, I think there's a good chance that you will be largely ignored, and will just end up feeling worse. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would write a nice note of congratulations but indicate that I had other plans I was unable to reschedule on that date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I'd send an appropriate gift and not go. It will create a hardship for your family--both financially and logistically--and it doesn't seem that they're all that interested in reconciliation anyway. And your husband doesn't want you to go. No healing a rift with some antagonistic relative at the expense of creating one with your husband. If your husband were supportive of you going or didn't care and left it up to you, then ... maybe. I personally wouldn't in the situation you describe, but if you feel like this is your best shot, then maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I'd send a note of congratulations and a gift instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 No, I would not go. They have not shown true spirit of reconciliation, IMO. I would send a nice gift, and wish them joy in their marriage. That's more than enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 If this were my situation, I would not go. I have to look at the responsibilities I have for my family, and not having enough heads up with so many things happening would be a deal breaker. It also probably is not much of an overture on the part of the estranged relative. If this person truly wanted you to attend, you would have received the invite or at least knowledge of the wedding date far enough in advance to make long distance travel plans. That doesn't bode well for making repairs. Additionally, I have come to the conclusion that I can't put disruptive relatives ahead of my family and our finances. If I can make an accommodation without putting everyone else in a bind or making a big financial sacrifice, then I would consider it. But, with three boys heading to college in the next four years, a dd and hubby that we are trying to assist in getting their household set up, aging parents that may need some help, and dh and I having made a LOT of sacrifices over the years to make sure I could be a SAH schooling parent, we are in a place to need to invest in our relationship again...some time spent away with each other, plans for him to retire from his current rat race in 10 years and do something else, etc. So, paying for a trip of this nature under dubious circumstances where it isn't even clear that the other person is willing to work on the relationship is just not a priority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Agreeing with the others that you shouldn't go. You could send a really nice note and a really nice gift if you wanted - still WAY cheaper and much easier than going yourself given your family situation and the possibility of the wedding being unpleasant for you. If the wedding was geographically close to you, that would be one thing. But it isn't. Attending a wedding that far away would be a big decision and commitment if you were truly fond of the couple. I wouldn't even consider making the trip under the circumstances you describe. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I'd send a card and a gift, or money. If I really wanted to repair a relationship with this person, it would be much better to do that at another time, not during a wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 A wedding is not the place to mend relationships. It's a time of joy for the couple. Stay home is my vote. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Nope. Send best wishes and maybe a gift (or not) and carry on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corbster98 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Another vote for not going given the circumstances and the financial burden on you to attend. I agree that a wedding isn't the right venue to try to even begin repairing the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I wish I could be the type of person who always gives people the benefit of the doubt, but if I received an invitation under those circumstances, I would be wondering if the relative knew that I wouldn't attend, but was hoping that I would send a gift anyway. (Sorry. I think I am just in a Miss Snarkypants mood today!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I'd send a note of congratulations and a gift instead. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would go. I think that weddings and funerals transcend most of the other BS of family difficulties. You show who YOU are, not who THEY are, by attending. You are a person who does the right thing regardless of what others do. You are a person who understands that community support in those pivotal, special times is the priority. I would go, but I would not expect it to be a reconciliation fest. I would socialize with others there, congratulate the bride and groom cordially but without a lot of depth, and see it as an opportunity to reconnect with others who are present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I think it's meant as a gesture and if I don't take them up on it, there may not be another one. :( But it is a gesture that requires a huge out of pocket expense and major trip. Honestly, it barely qualifies as a gesture IMO. I agree with the others - send a nice card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 A wedding is a terrible place for trying to mend relationships. A wedding across the country and on short notice is doubly so! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Nope! What would this person positively add to your life? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 That's unanimous not to go. No, I think you should go. ..... I think it's meant as a gesture and if I don't take them up on it, there may not be another one. :( ....and that is part of why I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Nope. People don't change. Send a card, maybe a gift with your regrets. This. Send a gift and card and be done with worrying about it. Pick your children over the crazy ones. Always. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 ....and that is part of why I do. If an out-of-state wedding invite is all that someone will do, and they will take someone's non-attendance as a big slight to add to their list of blown up hurts, then that is all the evidence you need that they haven't really changed that much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 how do you know the invitation was delayed? I would give more weight to your own crazy schedule and finances than should I?/shouldn't I? if the fiance is bad-mouthing you (and she's never even met you?), it doesn't sound like he is ready to move-on. (is he on good terms with the relatives who have taken an unwarranted dislike to you? could it perhaps be him who caused that reaction? it would also make it harder for him to mend fences as he's also stuck trying to save his face to other extended family members.) what I would do (and much is because of crazy schedule and expensive tickets, and you want to mend things) is send an overly effusive "I'm so sorry I couldn't come but I really and sincerely would have loved to" note along with a nice gift. (especially if they are going to be opening presents in front of family members later.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 That's unanimous not to go. I'm really torn though. Dh isn't unsupportive of me going - he's more protective of me against these folks but he thinks if I decide to go that's fine. It is a financial hardship... we need to do work on the house and this would delay it. But we're doing okay. We're hardly rolling in it, but this wouldn't break the bank. There's zero way dh can go himself and it would be hardship to get the kids to camp somehow with only one of us on hand, but I think we could rope in some friends maybe. I think it's meant as a gesture and if I don't take them up on it, there may not be another one. :( you sound like you really want to go - you just have realistic reservations. I don't remember if you are religious or not, but if so - this is one to really pray about. I had one time I had two options, one I had SERIOUS reservations about, but no matter what I did, things were going to be tricky. all rationallity, responsibility, and logic was against one option, I was opposed to that option, but it was in regards to a child and so it was a delicate situation. I finally prayed about it - and the answer was "go with option #1". the one I had wanted nothing to do with. (but a child forced me to deal with). I felt complete peace being illogical, and in the end, things worked out far better than I ever could have dreamed. so, if you're the praying type - pray hard for guidance in what you should do so that whatever you end up doing, you can have peace knowing it's "right". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 See, I think that weddings and funerals are for others than only the specific focii. So, yes, ideally you focus on the happy couple at a wedding, and indeed everyone, no matter what, should be polite and positive toward them, and not clog up their special occasion with anything negative or heavy. But also. These occasions are when a large community of tightly AND loosely related people meet--sometimes the only time that they do. The occasions keep those connections to some extent. Going to something like this says that you know that. That you value the connections. That you value family enough to transcend the specifics of these particular rather disgusting people so that you can A) be polite, B) connect with others, and C) show yourself. That last one is crucial to the other connections. If you send a gift and write an effusively regretful letter, no one will see it but the jerks, and they won't give you public credit for it. Everyone else will just see one thing--that you didn't come. Additionally, you will thus demonstrate clearly that D) You are the bigger person. And that is a good thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Your last post clinches it for me. Being the bigger person and wanting to mend fences is nice, but these people sound awful. Be nice, be open to reconciling at a later date, but for you to go by yourself to this thing while you're worrying about your family juggling everything back home on a busy week.... It just doesn't sound good. I would send a nice note and a gift, express that you wish you could have come and that you'd love to see them another time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 *hugs* Your last post clinched it for me. Send a card and move on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I'm nearly positive it was delayed because other people mentioned getting theirs and have known the date for at least a month or so. There was a save the date sent out for a different date (I didn't get one) and then they changed it to make it a smaller wedding (heard secondhand, of course). There was a big engagement party I also was not invited to. My mother was trying to convince me to go to that and I kept having to be like, I'm not invited. I'm not going on a 10 hour drive to somewhere I wasn't invited! The other relatives dislike me for various reasons. The biggest reason is that I didn't invite my cousin over for dinner for a third time after she had canceled on me twice and I had just had my kids. Also, I didn't send her a thank you note for a onesie she sent right after they were born. When other people stopped funding the groom's various legal issues because they had been doing it for years and were sick of it, these relatives offered to do so and now take credit for his turnaround. Honestly, I would hate to see them. They're also anti-homeschooling and they do a lot of fat-shaming and I have never lost much of the weight after I had my kids (yes, a decade ago...). I'm fine with my appearance, but I've also never had to face anyone this nasty. :( :grouphug: My only-child mother's extended family lives in the midwest. so, two-time zones away. my grandparents moved out here - "for the war" and didn't go back. (two of her sisters - no children - were already living out here.) I grew up hearing about them, but rarely met any. I recently had a short back-and-forth with one ?cousin on ancestry about another one of my grandmother's sisters (__aunt for both of us). all I can say is: wow, :svengo: I'm so GLAD my grandparents didn't go back to the midwest. I'd hate to think what things would have been like if I'd been around them on a regular basis. (as they have "extended" family get-togethers mutliple times per year.) and the nasty/crazy - it's all about them . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I am short on time, so I only read the first post. If I had the means, then *I* would go. I have personally seen people make major changes in their life and clean their act up after something drastic happened-having a baby, a bad car wreck, escaping a bad marriage, becoming a Christian, going to AA, meeting the right spouse, etc. Life is too short and uncertain to stay estranged from close relatives, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 A 10-hour drive? That's one day. Yeah, I'd go. for the same reasons that Mrs. Mungo and Carol in Cal have given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I have read all your posts. No, don't go. Do not go. It's a humongous effort and expense on your part with only the dimmest hope of a return. There won't be some huge emotional connection. It's simply too crowded for that. Send a gushy card and a nice gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 So, it looks like your invite was on the "b" list. If that's the case you aren't being invited, because someone wants to repair a relationship. At least that person does not want to make a serious effort. I wouldn't go. It sounds all around unpleasant. RSVP regrets. Then separately, send a nice card. Congratulate them. Wish them well. If you feel you must send a present do not put energy into it. Just find out the registry, order online having it sent directly to them and be done with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Given what you've said since the OP, I super-duper wouldn't go. Perhaps if it was in my town and I had nothing else to do for a few hours, I'd go. But, I would not take on a burdensome expense and rearrange my life in order to do this. If this is the only gesture for reconciliation they're willing to make, that's pretty sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 As someone who decided to go to an estranged family members wedding, I say Do Not Go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would not go because I would not want a relationship with this person. I have plenty of lovely friends and relatives in my life and do not need to fly cross-country in a desperate attempt to connect with someone who has no place in and would bring no joy to my life. The relative wants a gift, not your presence. Do not oblige. But I am perry ruthless with cutting people out of my life, and I realize others are more attached to nominal family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Your spouse and your kids shouldn't be inconvenienced for crazy relatives. If it was no big deal to your immediate family, maybe go if you want to. But not at the expense of the family who REALLY matters. Your husband can't get your kids to two far apart activities without you. Case closed. I've forgiven and moved on with my family crazies more times than I can count. It's cost money, time and energy. It can't cost my husband and sons anything though. They have to come first. As for demonstrating the OP is the bigger person...you don't need to do that. You just are and the crazy won't see it or appreciate it regardless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would write a very nice letter, and send a gift, but would not jump hoops to attend. It is possible to respond with great grace despite declining the invite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Yet another vote for Do Not Go, but send a nice card filled with congratulations and best wishes and hope that you can see the happy couple another time soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I was in a similar situation last year. One of my cousins, who had been a deadbeat for about 15 years, has finally turned his life around. He decided to have a quickie wedding to his girlfriend with 3 weeks' notice and hold it in New Orleans (he's from New England and she's from Arizona so I have no idea why they chose that city). It was Memorial Day weekend so the travel costs would be even higher than normal for last-minute bookings. If the wedding had been close or if I'd been given a normal amount of lead time, I probably would've gone. But it was just too much money for someone that I had barely spoken to in years. During the reception, I briefly talked to him on my dad's cell phone to offer him and his new wife congratulations & best wishes for the future. It was a bit of an awkward conversation, but I'm glad to make baby steps towards repairing our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would write a very nice letter, and send a gift, but would not jump hoops to attend. It is possible to respond with great grace despite declining the invite. I don't think anyone is saying that you can't ever decline an invitation gracefully. However, I (and this is just me, not projecting this on anyone else or saying what anyone else should do, only what *I* would do) don't feel like sending a card extends the same sort of wish for healing and reconciliation that attending the event does. So, personally, I would attend, if I could. But, there are a lot of family events that I can't attend due to expense, my dh being gone, complications with my schedule, etc, so I understand not being able to attend too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1GirlTwinBoys Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I wouldn't go but I'd send a card and gift certificate to a home store or wherever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I would try to go. Not because you have to, not because you don't have very good reasons to decline, and not because they're necessarily going to be further estranged if you don't go. However, I think showing up for someone's major life event can go a long way towards repairing a damaged relationship, and so if that's your goal, I would try to make it happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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