How much time do your children spend with grandparents?

[Walking-Iris]

I'm starting this thread because I'm a bit annoyed atm.

 

My in-laws live about a 2-3 miles from us. A big reason why I agreed to move  and live in a state where I have zero family members (and knew no one when we first moved here) was to be closer to them. There are no grandparents on my side for my kids.

 

My FIL has always been hands off, stand offish, and quiet. No one really holds it against him however.

 

My MIL has always been into hanging out with the kids if she decides to come visit (interrupting homeschool usually), but we'v enever really asked her to watch them (babysit) unless we were in a bind or it was a rare going out. My dh and I hardly go out!!! Ever. And often it's to events that the children can come along to.

 

My MIL recently retired and she said, numerous times, "I can't wait to spend more time, take kids here, and so on and so on."

 

This past year my two youngest stayed over night with them last Fall while we took our oldest to a neuropsych eval, then my MIL stayed with them one evening (not overnight) this winter because of my dh's surprise birthday party. Which the kids attended until later in the evening. And once at the end of this winter and once more a few weeks ago they stayed overnight while my dh and I traveled to see a concert.

 

Once in April I asked her to sit with them for about 3 hours while I did some volunteer work for AAM.

 

The overnight visits were after dinner at our house and the kids were picked up by late afternoon next day. So not even an entire day was ever spent at their grandparents.

 

My issue is, and question-- they act as if that's too much? Is that too much? I don't think it was, but I don't know what's normal. Keep in mind that before she retired, the times I would ask for babysitting in a year was even less than that, if at all. I never really left a nursing baby/toddler at all if I could help it. The few times the kids have stayed overnight was when *she* asked if she could have them over.

 

Both of them have taken on this attitude that we've asked too much of them this year. That they just want to enjoy being retired (honestly if they are not gone months at a time traveling then they don't do anything else but putter around at home).

 

Also they've started to take on an attitude (especially my FIL) that my kiddos are somewhat difficult to watch. I know my kids are well behaved. I've had friends watch them and paid babysitters who I know wouldn't lie to me, my kids are not hellions.

 

But part of the issue is they don't seem to know how to be with kid sand don't care to learn. From what I gather from my oldest they just turn on a television in another room and live them to watch or play with the toys in there while they watch television and make sure they are okay. Which annoys me. I know she's too worried that her house will get messy!!!

 

I have to take food over when they stay, because even though my MIL has food, knows how to cook, she seems unable to figure out how to feed kids. She's always texting or asking me what to feed them..."can you make a peanut butter sandwich?' is my usual reply. "A banana, orange, apple?" She always has plenty of that normal snack food stuff in the house.

 

I've given her a copy of the book GrandLoving (I know she hasn't read it) because she has not got the first clue about crafts, games, etc. At all.

 

I want my kids to be close to their grandparents, but how do I manage that when the grandparents are so self absorbed they don't want to be? My MIL is a gift giving Nana. If she travels and picks up something for them, comes over, gets her thanks and a hug, and goes on her way, she feels she's done enough.

 

I spent weeks in the summer with my grandparents. I have friends who have their kids with a grandparent every week or two for a day, or stay whole weekends, or travel with them places....

 

I don't really know what to do here, or how to react about it? I don't understand why they have to be so negative. As comparison they have two grandchildren (6 and 8) from their youngest ds (who lives in a neighboring town, still not far away at all) that they have babysat even less over the years and have had overnight just once. 

 

What gives?

 

 

 

 

[DawnM]

Not much.

 

My parents live 2,000 miles away.

Dh's mom lives 800 miles away.

 

There is a reason.   :tongue_smilie:

 

My dad is never the problem.  I would leave my kids with him all day long.  But he comes with someone else, and that is the problem.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

dudeling spent alot with my mom until he was about three when he health started really failing.  (she liked to come and play, or have him for a couple hours to play.)  she'd babysit the older kids until they didnt' need a sitter anymore.

 

they don't spent time with mil - not even when she was completely mobile.

[Georgiana Daniels]

That's tough :(  Some adults just aren't "kid" people and don't make the effort. My in-laws live out of town, so I have no way of really knowing how it would be if they were a few miles away. As for my parents, they do live a few miles away and they have the kids spend the night once a week. I believe they are probably more pro-active and involved than most GPs, though.

[Amira]

I consider both my parents and dh's parents to be very involved grandparents, but my children almost never spend time at a grandparent's house without us there.  We usually haven't lived near them, but even when we have, they didn't invite my children over very often.  If we're around, my MIL likes to take the boys out for ice cream or play card games.  My mother likes to take the boys to a museum or to another interesting place for a few hours.  I don't think any of my children have ever spent the night at a grandparent's house without us there.  It just doesn't occur to me or them even though I wouldn't have a problem with it. 

 

I know some grandparents who love to babysit their grandkids, but that's not something I'd be interested in. I think it's reasonable for grandparents to have many ways to show love that aren't so much like parenting. 

[Sherry in OH]

My parents watch our children for a few hours at a time two or three times a year.  This is in conjunction with their visits to us or our semi-annual visits to them. They would be willing to spend more time with the children but live nine hours away.  MIL, we do not ask.  Too many issues there.

[elegantlion]

My parents spend time with ds about 2-3 times a month. We hang out often, but they adore my son and we are the only family nearby. 

 

His other grandmother is very different and from my observation doesn't do well with little kids. 

 

I don't think your time has been unreasonable, but perhaps they'd do better one on one with the kids. 

[MistiDelaney]

My children in their 30s met my parents three times; once as adults.  Caboose Boy has gotten to know my mother better; he has been to her house and she has been to ours a grand total of maybe four or five times in eleven years.

 

My parents "borrowed" the older boys to take them to a family reunion in another state once.

 

I have met my youngest grandchildren once each, though I write every month or so.  I have met my older grandchildren maybe a half dozen times. 

Normal is different in every family.

 

Keep in mind, Iris, that as we get older our energy wanes.  They may truly not have the energy to keep up with even well behaved children.

 

Edited to add: I was perhaps 4 or 5 when my mother first told me "I am raising my kids now.  When you have children, don't expect me to babysit because when I'm done, I'm done."  I have always taken her at her word.

[Freckles]

I say this gently, but I think your expectations are too high. If you want crafts and games, etc.... hire a teenager with energy. I stayed with my grandparents when I was little on both sides. The adults watched the news, and we played board games in the spare bedroom or ran around the yard. I read an article about 21st century parents making children the number one priority in their lives. Most of the adults of earlier parenting generations I know fall under the "I'm not your entertainment director" category. If the children are safe, I would be pleased. And "puttering around the house" is okay for retired folks. I figure they've earned it. However, I will concede that I'm not a kid person, and don't like my house to get messy. So, I'm probably not the best person to ask. I do hope you all find a happy medium.

[JustEm]

My kids see my parents at least twice a week.  They would watch them anytime I needed them and not feel burdened by it what so ever. My mil sees them every week and we ask her to watch them often enough and she enjoys it and doesn't view it as a burden but if we asked her more frequently she might feel burdened only because she still works (my parents are retired.)  My fil has never watch them for us but would in an emergency.  He live 45 minutes away and we really only see him on holidays and birthdays.  He does stay in touch via a phone call every 2 weeks or so.  He would view watching them as a burden even though he loves them greatly.

 

People are different.  Some people love that they can visit their grandkids and then return them to mom and dad after a few hours. Others would spend every possible minute they could with their grandchildren.  It has to do with their personality and how they view children.

[Ewe Mama]

DH's parents are 87 and barely moving. They see them about once a month, but never for very long as it is overwhelming to the grandparents.

 

Mine live out of state and only see them two or three times a year,for a few hours at a time.

 

We cannot count on them at all to help out.

[Arcadia]

My parents and in-laws are in another continent across the ocean. They are all hands off people even when we stayed near them which I don't mind. My in-laws would help run errands when ask and babysit when ask. My parents have health issues so they help financially instead.

My in-laws and parents like to see photos of my boys and also happily talk to them on Skype. Its just how they are.

[J-rap]

It sounds like your in-laws have different priorities, so I don't think you can compare that to someone else's in-law experience.  They are who they are, and if a close grandparent-type relationship is important to you, I would go looking for a nice elderly couple that doesn't have grandchildren nearby who would love to be substitute grandparents.

 

I'm sorry that relationship isn't what you'd hoped it'd be.

 

 

[73349]

DS's grandparents live out of state. He sees DH's parents a week at a time twice a year, my dad a weekend at a time maybe five times a year, and my mom every couple of years. None of them have babysat DS more than three hours total.

 

I wonder if ILs' love language is gifts, while yours is time. If they are treating your kids the same way they raised their own (hands-off), they are not likely to change and become all crafty. They just may need more space than you would. Or it may bug them if the visits are on an unpredictable schedule--maybe you could try inviting them to have a standing visit once a month?

[lynn]

My older children a lot more than my younger children.  The older boys grew up with all the cousins their age.  My 2 youngest came later than the rest and my parents are older and do not get around as easy as they use to.  We visit them every few months or they come here for a day or two.  FIL also is just older and does not get around we see him a few times a year.  Makes me sad but it's the way it is. 

[Joker]

I spent tons of time with all of my grandparents but they didn't play with us or entertain us. We helped with yard work, we helped with house work, we helped with cooking, we played outside on our own a lot, and we watched TV (their shows) often. We also didn't often go all together, which was the best part. I loved spending several days at one of their houses with no siblings around.

 

ETA: My dds don't get the opportunity often due to distance, so I can't answer for them. When they do see grandparents, it's with us and it's only a few days at a time.

[edelweiss]

My father and stepmother live 500 miles away.  They visit for 3-4 days once a year.  My girls see them then.  

 

My mother lives about 15 miles away.  My girls see her a few times a year.  Usually they see her when she comes to their dance recital, when she brings over their birthday presents (usually a month or two late), when they decorate cookies at her house at Christmastime, and at Christmas Eve services at church.  So, maybe 5-8 times a year?  They have never spent the night at her house, and she has never babysat them at all.  I do know that she would if I was in a bind (was going to the hospital for a procedure or something).

 

I'm okay with this.  Every family is different and this is just what my girls know.  It is normal for us.

 

If I am alive when (if) grandchildren are born, I don't expect to be very hands-on at all.  I will more likely be the grandma that sends gifts for special events, finances activities and college, etc.  However, I don't see myself babysitting often or attending most of their activities or anything.  I have loved, loved, loved doing that with my own children, but I can't see doing that with grandchildren.  

[ThisIsTheDay]

I agree with those who said your expectations are too high.  You've made your wishes known; your inlaws have showed you their preferences.  I understand your reasons for giving your mil that book; and I understand her reasons for not reading it.  What you want for your children is not what your inlaws are willing or able to give.  I don't think they sound self-absorbed, just that they have ideas that are different than yours, and it's not a reflection on them as bad parents or grandparents, nor it is a reflection on you or your children.

As a child, I too spent several weeks with grandparents, but we were also surrounded by (adult) aunts and uncles.  My children were babysat and/or cared for often by my fil. While my mil liked the idea of babysitting, she **always** managed to find something else to do and be gone for the entire day.  That's pretty much how she's been her entire life, as a parent when my dh was young, and as a grandparent even when my children are grown.

But none, not my grandparents, nor my children's grandparents, have ever done any kind of craft or game, other than about one hour of playing Barbies!

 

It sounds like they have been very patient and kind and willing to try what they are able to give. I'm sorry that it's not what you've always hoped for. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

[PeterPan]

Nutty thought, but maybe your MIL has some SN?  Some people like toys and don't know what to DO with them.  She might do better with a kit, something clear, obvious instructions.  If the dc brings a game, that might help, as again it has clear steps on what to do.  My mother doesn't play very well, but she enjoys doing kits with my kids if I have them around.  It just doesn't occur to her to get them.  Hobby Lobby has sand art filling, but they can be anything.  (playmobil, lego, the wood 3d puzzles you assemble, pom pom critters, anything)

 

I send my ds to my MIL's once a week for a morning or afternoon (2-3 hours).  I try not to do it more than that, because I don't want to wear her out.  It started as a help to me, but he learned to enjoy it.  If you have that kind of routine, then she won't need to pop over at odd times.  And if she does pop over, you just say oh you're coming to take so and so on their outing? and let her take them.  So that gives HER some structure as well.  I think it's ok to ask to send our kids over.  People don't really don't what's ok and some people are afraid to ask.  They don't want to intrude.  I just made it a regular thing.  That way they look forward to it but know it won't be too much.  

 

If she wants to take them places, that's AWESOME!  Does she have the correct carseat?  Get her the appropriate car seats and then start planning on it!  She could take one kid to the park, one kid on her weekly grocery shopping, etc.  My dd shops weekly with her grandma and has since she was 9 or 10.  Dd is a crazy good shopper now, lol.  

 

 

[SKL]

The body really does have different limits after a certain age.  ;)  I would listen to what they are saying and dial it back if they feel it's too much.

 

Before my nieces came along, I asked my dad or mom to take care of my kids a few times, for short time periods (a couple hours to a half day).  When my nieces came along, my sister's need for babysitting superseded mine (for logical reasons), so I stopped asking, because they seemed to be at their limit already.

 

When they were old enough to be quite independent (4 or 5), I started letting them have sleepovers at the grandparents' house, but my childless sister, who lives close to the grandparents, always had primary responsibility for the kids.  Now they go there for sleepovers when it's convenient for everyone, probably 4-6x per year.  Again, it's never just my parents taking care of them.  That way I don't worry about being too much of a burden on old folks.  :)  They get to share their interests with the kids without getting wiped out.

[bettyandbob]

I think you had ideas about what a grandparent should be and your ILs have different ideas about the relationship.

 

I live a mile from my parents. I limit what I ask. Oldest has stayed over with them twice and middle once. They stayed over when I was giving birth to younger sibling(s). They like to go to events that my dc are in. They liked it when my oldest would just walk over and hang out. The younger two didn't really "click" as much, so choosing to hang out there doesn't happen. That's OK.

 

I think overnight babysitting is asking a lot, even just a few times a year. Asking them to babysit overnight is quite different from them asking if one or more of the grands can come stay over.

 

I invite my parents to come see swim meets or ballet recitals or whatever. They interact with the kids at these events. We walk over to their house for holidays. Overtime they've picked up the kids' interests and invited each kid  to do things that were specific to that child.

 

I think you have to let them define the relationship they want. Invite them to events and activities, so they can get to know the kids' interests and let them take it from there. If they don't build a relationship with their grandchildren it's their loss.

 

 

 

 

[Laura Corin]

My parents in law were very involved grandparents with my nieces - we lived too far away at the time.  They were happy to have the girls at their flat, to have them stay over, etc.  My parents were never hands-on with any of their grandchildren - they were happy to see them, but it would never have occurred to them to have the children without the children's parents being present.

 

I don't think that you can make people other than they are - I'm sorry that you are disappointed.

 

L

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not having the energy or inclination to sit down and do things with children does not equal "self absorbed".  

[AK_Mom4]

When my parents were still alive, the kids saw them all the time.  However, most of the time was when my parents came to visit or when they came to one of the kdis events.  At my parents little condo, time was spent 1-on-1 with just one kid at a time.  Lack of space and energy made it more reasonable for them to just have one child over.

 

I agree with betty - invite them to the kids events, but I would not expect them to baby sit or to have the kids over very often.  Though maybe they would be more into it if it was just one kid at a time.

[SKL]

Another thing to remember is that having the kids over may be more than just having them over.  For my parents, it involves a certain amount of work beforehand to put the house in order, make sure they have kid-friendly food, etc.  Again, being older means each of these is a bigger deal than it may sound.  If you have a young child who needs any kind of child-proofing, that adds to it.

[Kathryn]

None. My estranged mother is the only one local. The other three are all about two hours away and we see them maybe twice a year for a couple of hours.

[Miss Mousie]

I have to agree with the PPs - you can't make them into different people.  They have their limitations and preferences, and those "trump" your wishes.

 

It's good that you mentioned that their other grandchildren are treated similarly - so you know it isn't an issue of favoritism.  It also sounds like they see your kids more than the others, so it seems they are trying, within their boundaries, to give what you want.

 

My MIL is a fantastic grandma - just the kind you'd like, I'm sure.  I, however, have no intention of being that kind of grandma.  Honestly, all of my grandparents were dead long before I was born, so I have no experience to draw upon, but I do know that I have never been spunky or energetic and I loathe board games.  So I would read to a kid until one of us got tired of it, and I can chat and joke with a kid, but there's no way I'm busting out glitter for anybody.  ;)  And I seriously doubt I'd be able to handle an overnight.

 

It certainly is difficult to reconcile the dreams with the reality; I'm sorry it has been painful for you.  I hope everyone involved finds a comfortable compromise.

 

:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

I loved being at my grandparent's house. I don't ever remember doing crafts!  My favorite thing to do with my grandfather was watch old black and white movies on TV. King Kong, Little Rascals, Godzilla & Mothra. You know, really wholesome stuff. ;) During commercials he would tell childhood stories about going to the 'theater' (for a nickle!) during the depression. I learned about Mighty Joe Young-- and ration stamps.  Wonderful memories. 

[Walking-Iris]

That's tough :(  Some adults just aren't "kid" people and don't make the effort. 

 

That's kind of what I feel is going on here. They seem to be baby people. They were constantly coming over when the kids were infants, but I've noticed a pattern since my oldest was a baby, that as a child hits about 3-4 their interest definitely takes a nose dive.

 

 

 

"I know some grandparents who love to babysit their grandkids, but that's not something I'd be interested in. I think it's reasonable for grandparents to have many ways to show love that aren't so much like parenting. "

 

I agree with to an extent, except I grew up in a family that assumed it took a village. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and grown cousins were all involved in various ways in the raising and upbringing of children. It wasn't called "babysitting" it was called "being raised" My dh's family is quite extensive here with the in laws, some great aunts and uncles, grown cousins....but nobody in his family acts as though relatives are anything more than people you're nice to at Christmas. That's odd to me, because I have memories of so many adults being involved in mine and my cousins care. 

 

I remember going to spend afternoons with a great aunt for the fun of it. My dh's own aunt who lives here in town is someone we like but would never just visit. 

 

It's different, just odd to me at times.

 

 

I don't think your time has been unreasonable, but perhaps they'd do better one on one with the kids. 

 

They would be the same even with one kid.

 

 

 

Keep in mind, Iris, that as we get older our energy wanes.  They may truly not have the energy to keep up with even well behaved children.

 

Edited to add: I was perhaps 4 or 5 when my mother first told me "I am raising my kids now.  When you have children, don't expect me to babysit because when I'm done, I'm done."  I have always taken her at her word.

 

Again I find that sort of odd. I think that's why I wanted to start this thread, because I only have my own experiences growing up. My grandmother definitely raised me, and not because she had to or was babysitting. It was just the same with my aunts and uncles. 

 

I say this gently, but I think your expectations are too high. If you want crafts and games, etc.... hire a teenager with energy.

 

Oh I have come to the conclusion long ago my expectations were high. But the funny thing is I live in a small town where it is not at all unusual for children to have their grandparents living here as well. And from what I hear and can discern these grandparents spend regular time with these children. I don't want crafts and games. I just mentioned that because I notice she doesn't seem to be able to interact with them on their level in any sort of way. 

 

My kids see my parents at least twice a week.  They would watch them anytime I needed them and not feel burdened by it what so ever. My mil sees them every week and we ask her to watch them often enough and she enjoys it and doesn't view it as a burden but if we asked her more frequently she might feel burdened only because she still works (my parents are retired.)  My fil has never watch them for us but would in an emergency.  He live 45 minutes away and we really only see him on holidays and birthdays.  He does stay in touch via a phone call every 2 weeks or so.  He would view watching them as a burden even though he loves them greatly.

 

People are different.  Some people love that they can visit their grandkids and then return them to mom and dad after a few hours. Others would spend every possible minute they could with their grandchildren.  It has to do with their personality and how they view children.

 

Exactly. What you say here is what I see in the community around me.

 

It sounds like your in-laws have different priorities, so I don't think you can compare that to someone else's in-law experience.  They are who they are, and if a close grandparent-type relationship is important to you, I would go looking for a nice elderly couple that doesn't have grandchildren nearby who would love to be substitute grandparents.

 

I'm sorry that relationship isn't what you'd hoped it'd be.

 

That's my main problem right there for sure! Comparing. My dh is feeling the same way. He's reminded them at times of his own grandparents and all the time he spent on their farm. The swing set one grandmother had. The tire swing his grandfather put up at the farm. 

 

 

I wonder if ILs' love language is gifts, while yours is time. If they are treating your kids the same way they raised their own (hands-off), they are not likely to change and become all crafty. They just may need more space than you would. Or it may bug them if the visits are on an unpredictable schedule--maybe you could try inviting them to have a standing visit once a month?

 

This whole post is a bit spot on. Also about the making a visit a regular thing----um no---honestly that would go over well a lot less. 

 

I spent tons of time with all of my grandparents but they didn't play with us or entertain us. We helped with yard work, we helped with house work, we helped with cooking, we played outside on our own a lot, and we watched TV (their shows) often. We also didn't often go all together, which was the best part. I loved spending several days at one of their houses with no siblings around.

 

 

This was me growing up, working on my grandparents farm/ranch. It was expected from an early age to help garden, care for the pigs and chickens, horses, and yard work and so on. My grandfather took me out in his truck over the ranch t o check on horses and i always tagged along with him to the feed store because he would buy me a coke. We went horseback riding, he taught me to play solitaire, to sing along to Johnny Cash and told endless stories. My grandmother was not lovey dovey, she had things to do, but I was included in canning, laundry, cooking. She also read aloud to me from a book of Bible stories for children . I have fond memories of an aunt teaching me how to draw. An uncle who would take me fishing. This was just normal.  It wasn't considered babysitting or just entertaining some kids to keep them happy or out of trouble. My cousins were treated the same and always around to play with. But my dh's family are more like relatives rather than "family"---so yeah I think I'm feeling a bit nostalgic on one hand because my family has died away (literally and figuratively) over the decades, and i want my kids to have that feeling. 

 

 

Not having the energy or inclination to sit down and do things with children does not equal "self absorbed".  

 

yes I agree with you, but there have been conversations, negativity, some outright snarkyness and a few things I haven't posted that do IMHO translate into being "self-absorbed" The more I think about it, the more I think that yes they are different and that's okay, and my expectations are likely skewed to my own experiences, but they have been less than nice a few times. Also btw these are not frail unenergetic elderly people...they ride motorcycles across the country, travel quite a bit, drive Jeeps through mud, and cruise town in a topless convertible. All things that wear me out just thinking about it! And they have made it clear at times that that is what they rather be doing, which is fine. But I was feeling annoyed at getting grief for the very few times my kids have actually stayed with them.

 

Another thing to remember is that having the kids over may be more than just having them over.  For my parents, it involves a certain amount of work beforehand to put the house in order, make sure they have kid-friendly food, etc.  Again, being older means each of these is a bigger deal than it may sound.  If you have a young child who needs any kind of child-proofing, that adds to it.

 

Usually I would agree, but not so much in this case. 

 

 

 

[Word Nerd]

The kids spend a lot more time with my parents since we moved to within 2 hours of them than with DH's parents, who live 7-8 hours away. They're actually spending a few days with Mom and Dad this week at my parents' request (school's out here as of yesterday) and will later in the summer too. 

[Walking-Iris]

I have to agree with the PPs - you can't make them into different people.  They have their limitations and preferences, and those "trump" your wishes.

 

It's good that you mentioned that their other grandchildren are treated similarly - so you know it isn't an issue of favoritism.  It also sounds like they see your kids more than the others, so it seems they are trying, within their boundaries, to give what you want.

 

My MIL is a fantastic grandma - just the kind you'd like, I'm sure.  I, however, have no intention of being that kind of grandma.  Honestly, all of my grandparents were dead long before I was born, so I have no experience to draw upon, but I do know that I have never been spunky or energetic and I loathe board games.  So I would read to a kid until one of us got tired of it, and I can chat and joke with a kid, but there's no way I'm busting out glitter for anybody.  ;)  And I seriously doubt I'd be able to handle an overnight.

 

It certainly is difficult to reconcile the dreams with the reality; I'm sorry it has been painful for you.  I hope everyone involved finds a comfortable compromise.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

I'm not asking anyone to get out the glitter. I don't want to get out the glitter <shudder>

 

I have  a feeling posters are thinking I want Martha Stewart For Kids. Not so. I just don't think there's any aspect of their life that they are sharing. They don't read to them either.

[Walking-Iris]

I think you had ideas about what a grandparent should be and your ILs have different ideas about the relationship.

 

I live a mile from my parents. I limit what I ask. Oldest has stayed over with them twice and middle once. They stayed over when I was giving birth to younger sibling(s). They like to go to events that my dc are in. They liked it when my oldest would just walk over and hang out. The younger two didn't really "click" as much, so choosing to hang out there doesn't happen. That's OK.

 

I think overnight babysitting is asking a lot, even just a few times a year. Asking them to babysit overnight is quite different from them asking if one or more of the grands can come stay over.

 

I invite my parents to come see swim meets or ballet recitals or whatever. They interact with the kids at these events. We walk over to their house for holidays. Overtime they've picked up the kids' interests and invited each kid  to do things that were specific to that child.

 

I think you have to let them define the relationship they want. Invite them to events and activities, so they can get to know the kids' interests and let them take it from there. If they don't build a relationship with their grandchildren it's their loss.

 

But then when, if ever, do you go anywhere with your DH or partner? Not until the kids are grown?

 

Do people leave children overnight with paid babysitters. I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that.

 

Also I seriously doubt that the grand total of 3 times in 11 years!!! that my DH and I have been out of town alone without children or a child should be burdensome to a grandparent.

 

Was that really asking a lot?

[Walking-Iris]

I agree with those who said your expectations are too high.  You've made your wishes known; your inlaws have showed you their preferences.  I understand your reasons for giving your mil that book; and I understand her reasons for not reading it.  What you want for your children is not what your inlaws are willing or able to give.  I don't think they sound self-absorbed, just that they have ideas that are different than yours, and it's not a reflection on them as bad parents or grandparents, nor it is a reflection on you or your children.

 

 

 

 

I haven't actually made any "wishes known" or anything quite like that. Most of this is my own inner thoughts or conversations with DH. Who feels the same. His grandparents were more hands on and he spent time with them.

 

I didn't give  her the book for any reason other than I found it at a garage sale and thought it was interesting.

 

I don't think they are "bad" parents or grandparents. I do however feel they are a tad selfish. There's quite a bit going on there that I haven't posted.

[Walking-Iris]

Nutty thought, but maybe your MIL has some SN? 

 

No. This isn't because she can't...more like doesn't wanna.

[Amira]

But then when, if ever, do you go anywhere with your DH or partner? Not until the kids are grown?

 

Do people leave children overnight with paid babysitters. I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that.

 

Also I seriously doubt that the grand total of 3 times in 11 years!!! that my DH and I have been out of town alone without children or a child should be burdensome to a grandparent.

 

Was that really asking a lot?

 

I don't leave my children overnight with a paid babysitter either. My parents visited us here in Mexico and stayed with our boys in our house for 2 nights while dh and I went out of town, and my sister took care of our two oldest children in our house for two nights one time when they were about 5 and 7. That's it in 15 years of parenting. 5 or 6 is the absolute youngest I would ever leave a child with anyone else overnight because children are a lot of work when they're younger than that.  I don't expect to take more overnight trips with dh until the children are pretty much out of the house. I don't think it's my parents' or IL's job to change that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it is normal to feel a bit of sadness for "what could have been" if things were different.  But they aren't - different, I mean.  My MIL told me when I was pregnant with my oldest that "once you have the baby, I will raise him".  They are definitely from a "it takes a village" culture.  But, MIL didn't raise her own children.  Her unmarried sister was her unpaid nanny.  And I didn't want them raising my child.  I wanted them involved, yes, but not to take them.  And once I had the baby I was so glad that I hadn't just handed over the baby and gone back to work.  They did no baby proofing.  They didn't actually watch the baby.  They would put on MTV for the toddler to watch.  It wasn't necessarily the worst thing in the world, but it wasn't the best either.  And just like your experience, once they were past the baby stage, they weren't interested any more.  But to be fair, they hadn't been interested in dh or his sisters either.

[Dory]

It's sad, but you can't make people who don't really like kids, into kid loving people. My mom was teaching my kids Hebrew once a week this past winter. She stops by the house for a quick hello every couple weeks when she isn't teaching them. About once a year we'll travel together somewhere and a couple times a year there is get together or something at my parents house and we go. My kids know and love my parents and that is a BIG deal because when they were toddlers I wasn't even considered part of the family anymore. It's taken a lot of work.

 

My in laws live a mile away and my kids visit them less then they see my mom. My FIL will sometimes take the kids fishing in the summer and they have spent 2 overnights at their place over the course of their lives. I can count on my hand the number of times I've had my MIL watch the kids. She says she finds them too tiring and hard to watch. They are proud of them and they tell the kids so, they just don't show it very well. We do have get togethers down there every few weeks or so through the summer. They leave in October and go down south and come back in April so they are gone for half the year.

[kitten18]

 

 

This was me growing up, working on my grandparents farm/ranch. It was expected from an early age to help garden, care for the pigs and chickens, horses, and yard work and so on. My grandfather took me out in his truck over the ranch t o check on horses and i always tagged along with him to the feed store because he would buy me a coke. We went horseback riding, he taught me to play solitaire, to sing along to Johnny Cash and told endless stories. My grandmother was not lovey dovey, she had things to do, but I was included in canning, laundry, cooking. She also read aloud to me from a book of Bible stories for children . I have fond memories of an aunt teaching me how to draw. An uncle who would take me fishing. This was just normal.  It wasn't considered babysitting or just entertaining some kids to keep them happy or out of trouble. My cousins were treated the same and always around to play with. But my dh's family are more like relatives rather than "family"---so yeah I think I'm feeling a bit nostalgic on one hand because my family has died away (literally and figuratively) over the decades, and i want my kids to have that feeling. 

 

 

:grouphug: I understand.  This is how my family operates when we're together.  Unfortunately, we live 1,300 miles from our families.

 

My parents are both deceased but they were great grandparents when they were alive, I know because I had 12 nieces and nephews before my kids were born (I'm much, much younger than my siblings).  I'm very sad that my kids didn't know my parents very well.  Fortunately, my sisters (their kids are grown and on their own, oldest sister has grandkids that are just a few years younger than my kids) have stepped up and tried to take pick up the slack since our mom died. 

We spend 2 weeks every summer at my sister's ranch and do the kinds of things you describe.  My BIL is fantastic too and treats my kids like one of his grandkids.

 

My ILs also live 1,300 miles away.  My FIL is...well, he has no use for kids.  My MIL is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.  We spend a week at their house in the summer and she comes out to our house for 1-2 more times a year for two weeks at a time.  She is 100% involved with the kids, she is so fun for them, she will do whatever they want to do.  If we lived close, she would love to have the kids for sleepovers or she would be happy to stay at our house.

 

So, our families are great I just wish we lived closer.

[kubiac]

Don't forget that older people sometimes have physical limitations and/or can just be set in their habits.

 

My MIL is too weak to grandparent by herself for more than an hour or two at a time, and even then I'm terrified that a rambunctious child will either knock her over by accident. My FIL is set in his ways to an extreme degree and has a very hard time redirecting his energy into kids.

 

They like their grandchildren very much and want to help, they just don't really have it in them to help very much. 

[zoobie]

If they're telling you it's too much, then you should respect their boundaries. They're not your ideal grandparents, but you can't make them be anything other than what they are. It doesn't matter why they don't want to keep your kids. They don't, and it's their choice. And yes, their loss, but they're grown adults and can make these choices without having to justify them to anyone. Let them come to you when they want to spend time with the kids. If you need babysitters, hire them.

 

Would you be offended if MIL gave you a book on parenting? I'd never give my DIL one, and I'd be ticked (and hurt) if I received a grand parenting book from mine.

[scwendy]

My mom watches my youngest kids (9 (after school), 3, and 1) while I work 3 days a week.  She volunteered to do so and has the kids sleep over (9 & 3) every chance she gets, too.  And on the days I don't work, I see her almost every day.  We live in the same town and she just loves spending time with my kids.  My dad does too but he works out of town most of the time.

 

OTOH, my MIL lived ACROSS THE STREET for years before moving last year and we would go for DAYS without hearing from her.

 

Providing someone's health is in order, I just think some people enjoy being with children more than others.  And those who don't are probably not likely to admit that so they may avoid kids or make excuses.

[Walking-Iris]

Don't forget that older people sometimes have physical limitations and/or can just be set in their habits.

 

My MIL is too weak to grandparent by herself for more than an hour or two at a time, and even then I'm terrified that a rambunctious child will either knock her over by accident. My FIL is set in his ways to an extreme degree and has a very hard time redirecting his energy into kids.

 

They like their grandchildren very much and want to help, they just don't really have it in them to help very much. 

 

Re-read my post about some of their hobbies. They are old and they are a bit beat up in places, but too frail to deal with my kids for a few hours they are not.

 

If they're telling you it's too much, then you should respect their boundaries. They're not your ideal grandparents, but you can't make them be anything other than what they are. It doesn't matter why they don't want to keep your kids. They don't, and it's their choice. And yes, their loss, but they're grown adults and can make these choices without having to justify them to anyone. Let them come to you when they want to spend time with the kids. If you need babysitters, hire them.

 

Would you be offended if MIL gave you a book on parenting? I'd never give my DIL one, and I'd be ticked (and hurt) if I received a grand parenting book from mine.

 

 

i agree with you. But also. no i would not be offended if she bought me a book on parenting. also the book i gave her isn't even about how to be  a grandparent. It's just an inspirational kind of book with random things thrown in there. There was absolutely nothing at all intentional or snarky or insinuating about the book...she knows that as well. I happened across it in a garage sale and thought she'd like it. 

[Incognito]

It could be that 3 kids is too much.  Especially if one of them is 3yo.  I have been trying to have my kids spend time with grandparents in smaller doses - less kids and/or shorter time periods.  As people age, that kid energy just gets to be too much.

[Miss Mousie]

Well, with your subsequent posts, I have a better picture of the situation - but, unfortunately, I don't have any better words to offer.  I guess it's just something you have to accept. 

 

Just hope that your ILs don't suddenly take an interest when your kids are teens - they might get them motorcycles!    :willy_nilly:

 

 

[Sherry in OH]

Rather than being irritated by your parents-in-law lack of interest in babysitting, try cultivating a relationship with other family members or friends.  Would you be willing to have nieces/nephews overnight one weekend in exchange for BIL and partner watching your children another weekend?  

 

Some people do leave their children with paid sitters.  Some exchange childcare with friends.  Others, like us, don’t expect adult only vacations until our children are grown.  A few hours here and there, yes, overnight, no.    

 

 

[Kari C in SC]

I say this gently, but I think your expectations are too high. If you want crafts and games, etc.... hire a teenager with energy. I stayed with my grandparents when I was little on both sides. The adults watched the news, and we played board games in the spare bedroom or ran around the yard. I read an article about 21st century parents making children the number one priority in their lives. Most of the adults of earlier parenting generations I know fall under the "I'm not your entertainment director" category. If the children are safe, I would be pleased. And "puttering around the house" is okay for retired folks. I figure they've earned it. However, I will concede that I'm not a kid person, and don't like my house to get messy. So, I'm probably not the best person to ask. I do hope you all find a happy medium.

When my mom was a younger grandma, she would do more with her grandkids. Now that she has gotten older, she does a lot less, but still loves them. She used to make great crafts with my daughter, now with my youngest son, she may save a show on the DVR to watch with him. Just different seasons.

 

I am not a kid person either. I do some stuff because it is homeschool related. Otherwise, I want my kids to entertain themselves.

[zoobie]

i agree with you. But also. no i would not be offended if she bought me a book on parenting. also the book i gave her isn't even about how to be  a grandparent. It's just an inspirational kind of book with random things thrown in there. There was absolutely nothing at all intentional or snarky or insinuating about the book...she knows that as well. I happened across it in a garage sale and thought she'd like it. 

 

Ohh--from the title and the original description it sounded like a how-to type book! You know, like Grandparenting for Dummies. ;)

 

It does suck. My kids' grandparents are... well, a mix. One set thinks they're super-involved but really are not dependable, so I'm the bad guy for saying no. One set would like to be more involved but has my great-grandmother with Alzheimer's living with them and only so much respite care available. They have zero experience with babies (as in have never changed a diaper) and will be staying with my kids (they offered!!!) while I have a baby very soon. Should be entertaining. :)

[Lisbeth]

I would drop the rope and let them come to you if they want. If they ever complain about not being close to the grandkids, I would remind them that it was their choice. If they never complain, well then, all is well.

 

I wonder what kind of parents they were?

[bettyandbob]

But then when, if ever, do you go anywhere with your DH or partner? Not until the kids are grown?

 

Do people leave children overnight with paid babysitters. I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that.

 

Also I seriously doubt that the grand total of 3 times in 11 years!!! that my DH and I have been out of town alone without children or a child should be burdensome to a grandparent.

 

Was that really asking a lot?

 

Well, dh and I haven't gone anywhere. I would consider asking an aunt or uncle who also had kids, so we could trade off weekends, but that didn't work out for us. But asking someone to babysit overnight when that person has not volunteered is asking a lot. It is actually a real inconvenience to alter one's routine to care for a group of children overnight. Yes, I would have liked time away with dh in my 19 years of parenting, but ultimately the kids are ours, and figuring out how to deal with childcare, etc is our responsibility and we do not expect our parents to do something they do not want to do. 

 

My MIL likes to see the kids one at a time and in short spurts. That means she doesn't give me a break by taking them all at once. She is taking on what she can handle. Guess what? The kids each love their chance to spend time with Nana. My parents do similar. 

 

Your desire for overnight respite for yourself and your dh is not the same as a need for grandparents to spend time with grandchildren. 

 

If ILs called and said "Hey, ya'll have a big anniversary coming up, why don't you bring Joey, Suzy and Sarah here the weekend of the 19th, so you and dh can get out of town." That would be great. But I think expecting that to happen is too much. Your ILs know what they can handle and asking for more is setting up problems for everyone. Suppose MIL says yes and then because she's tired yells at the kids all weekend. Suppose MIL takes them and then lets them do all kinds of stuff you don't approve of because she simply wants them out of her hair. Who should your really be upset with in those circumstances? 

 

By letting ILs choose how to involve themselves, you are giving them a chance to show their best self to the kids and build positive relationships. Perhaps slowly because they can only handle the kids a little bit at a time. But if you force the kids on ILs you are in danger of building very negative relationships. 

[Tap]

My kids don't really spend time with their grandparents.  That is just how it is.

 

Since they don't already have a strong relationship, I suggest that you start including the grandma into your lives, instead of expecting her to go solo.  Invite her over to do things like make cookies and plant some flowers.  Maybe she just needs someone else there to help her feel more comfortable. Over the next few years, as the kids get older and gma feels more comfortable, you can start to step back more and let her have alone time more often.