Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Would you let your 15 yo dd go to a party an hour away when you hadn't even met the birthday girl, much less her parents? This is a drop off at their house, and they drive your kids an hour away to go play lazer tag, and then they bring them home. ETA: Would any of the people who said yes, think differently if they knew said child is notorious for not taking her phone with her? She has an attitude of "I don't need it if I'm w/ my friends", because she still doesn't grasp the concept that she has a phone so dh and I can communicate w/ her. Every. Single. time I have needed to get ahold of her, she hasn't had her phone with her, or she turns it off, because she is with her friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 No. Maybe meet them at lazer tag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 No. But why is your dd invited to a party for a girl she doesn't even know? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 No. But why is your dd invited to a party for a girl she doesn't even know? :confused: Dd knows her from school. I have never met the girl, nor her parents. They are going to take all the kids to Austin for the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 For me, it would depend on where she knows the girl from and how long. Long term friends from an activity or school, but I have not met the kid or parents? Fine. Met her last weekend at the party of a friend of friends? maybe not. ETA: My parents did not know most of my friends' parents. They met the parents of my boyfriend of six years at our wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would. Now that my oldest is a teen it is not uncommon for me not to know all of her friends and definitely not all of their parents. As they hang out I get to know them, but she has done things with friends and their families before I know them well. My parents didn't know all of the parents and friends I hung out with at that age either, so maybe I just don't see it as that crazy. That doesn't mean I wouldn't worry but I would probably allow it. I like the option above of you dropping her off and picking her up for laser tag if that is an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Not a long term friend, not someone she hangs out w/ on a regular basis. Met her at school this year. My son made the comment after she left the room, that he has never even heard her mention this person before. So... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Not a chance my daughter getting in car with an adult I never met to be driven an hour away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 We aren't talking about going to someone's house here in town. These people would be driving my child an hour away... there isn't an option for me to take her and come back and get her later. If it was local, this wouldn't be an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would meet them at laser tag. I don't like other people driving my dc, unless I know them very well. Especially if they're going to be on 35 or 130! They will be driving on I-35 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yeah, I would. We live in a smallish town and everything is an hour away at a much larger town. If the parents are driving, sure I'd let her go. If teens are driving, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes I would especially since it was a planned outting not a house party without parents there. THis isn't a 5 year old, I loosen the reigns a bit with teens. Then again I have put my kids on busses and planes to head across the province/country to camps and such too without much qualms Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 How are they driving a whole group of kids to laser tag? I mean, do they own a bus, lol? I would want more details. It's possible that they are taking only a very few of her friends, but not all that likely. Laser tag is usually a big group. Does that mean multiple people are driving? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes I would especially since it was a planned outting not a house party without parents there. THis isn't a 5 year old, I loosen the reigns a bit with teens. Then again I have put my kids on busses and planes to head across the province/country to camps and such too without much qualms Yeah, I'm wondering if that's why I don't have a huge problem with it since I let my 14 year old go to DC on a class trip which meant an overnight 12 hour drive on a chartered bus (and on I95 no less). I didn't sleep at all the night she was on the road there or back, but I let her go and she had a blast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Maybe. I would call the mom and have a conversation. If she seemed legit, I'd let dd go. I did this recently with a sleepover party. Dd's school is teeny tiny, and though I hadn't met the girl, I have heard about her all year long. I called the mom, felt fine about it and we let dd go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yeah, I'm wondering if that's why I don't have a huge problem with it since I let my 14 year old go to DC on a class trip which meant an overnight 12 hour drive on a chartered bus. I didn't sleep at all the night she was on the road there or back, but I let her go and she had a blast. I think that plays a part in it. Even after ds10 was hurt when his camp van was hit by a semi when he was 7 I still don't have a problem with it. My teens regularly get rides to the city 2 hours away with their cadet leader or other parents, dd6 took a school bus to the city last friday night for sparks camp with her leader etc. I have also allowed all 4 aside from camps to go to disneyland without me (with uncle) and to head through the mountains on 2-3 week long camping trips with auntie. DD14 took a chartered bus to a 2 week horse riding camp that I only knew about for under a week due to a scholarship to attend falling right into our laps etc. I know charter busses and such are different, but I know at 15 my parents rarely knew my friends, at 16 my friends were teh ones doing the driving. I would be saying no if it was older teens driving just because I know what boneheads we were when we got together, but parents driving and chaperoning. I would let her go, remind her to not embarrass the family, and then do some serious cleaning to keep my nervous energy in check until she got home and excitedly spilled the beans about how the party way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 We aren't talking about going to someone's house here in town. These people would be driving my child an hour away... there isn't an option for me to take her and come back and get her later. If it was local, this wouldn't be an issue. My answer would still be no. You know nothing about these parents. I'm not worried that they're serial killers -- they are probably very nice people... but lots of nice people are terrible drivers or drink too much or are irresponsible. Without knowing them, you have no idea whether or not your dd would be safe with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 You are not a bad parent. Yes, I would allow my 15 year old daughter to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes I would especially since it was a planned outting not a house party without parents there. THis isn't a 5 year old, I loosen the reigns a bit with teens. Then again I have put my kids on busses and planes to head across the province/country to camps and such too without much qualms Yeah, I'm wondering if that's why I don't have a huge problem with it since I let my 14 year old go to DC on a class trip which meant an overnight 12 hour drive on a chartered bus (and on I95 no less). I didn't sleep at all the night she was on the road there or back, but I let her go and she had a blast. My kids have been going to week long sleep away camp since they were 7. Ds went to DC twice, once at 13, and once at 14. The difference is at camp, my kids are in one place, not being driven on a freeway by people I don't know. The trips to dc, I knew the adults going; one was a scout trip, and another was a class trip.. again, with adults I knew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Honestly, I don't know. I would talk to the parents. If I was really uncomfortable with the idea, I wouldn't do it. I tend to trust my mother instinct. Usually it's based on reason, but sometimes I just have to go with my gut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My kids have been going to week long sleep away camp since they were 7. Ds went to DC twice, once at 13, and once at 14. The difference is at camp, my kids are in one place, not being driven on a freeway by people I don't know. The trips to dc, I knew the adults going; one was a scout trip, and another was a class trip.. again, with adults I knew. I didn't know any of the adults driving or chaperoning my dd's trip but I still let her go. I don't think you're a bad mom if you let her go or if you don't let her go. I have a very hard time letting other people drive my dds since I lost my dad and brother in a car accident, so I probably try too hard not to let that interfere in our lives. I am just pointing out that as they get older it becomes harder to know everyone and that played out the same way in my own life. I am coming to terms with the idea that as they age I will not know all of the people in their lives as well as I once did. So, I would let my dd go but I wouldn't think you were wrong for not allowing your own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Are the parents really driving? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Are the parents really driving? ;) I assume so. The bday girl is turning 15. I just got the invite tonight, and they want a response by Thurs. The only thing I know is the kid's name, and the invite said to drop off at their house (which is in the most expensive neighborhood in town) and they will drive the kids and we can pick up at their house after they get back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 We are routinely THAT family-- the one who drives other peoples kids an hour to an event ... joys of living in the boonies! Occasionally there is a parent that is uncomfortable-- we try to set up a meeting if not then we try an alternate activity with our girls on another day... An hour drive into Austin is pretty routine for us-- but we go back roads and end up on Mopac... I avoid 1-35 due to traffic. A few years ago DH was rearended on 1-35 on one of these trips-- we did know all of the families very well. I was in a car a few minutes behind them (DH was driving our Suburban). It is a miserable feeling to have to call a child's parents to inform them that their child has been taken by ambulance to the hospital (and repeat this 3 more times). Luckily all girls recovered and 6 months later we restaged the trip and had a great day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yeah, I'd let her go. If you feel strongly about the phone, make a point of reinforcing it. Explain that you pay for the phone for your own peace of mind, not for her entertainment. Tell her that if you call and her phone is off, you'll head down there and pick her up early. Then pray she doesn't call your bluff, lol. I think the phone thing is really a separate issue...one of neglecting to follow house rules...and not one of safety relevant to her attending the party. Anyway, there really isn't a reason you'd need to be in touch unless she was seriously late and didn't call or there was an emergency at home. We take for granted we can be in touch with our teens at all times, but that doesn't mean we should be, y'know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Your decision is not bad. I'd handle it differently. I might call to get details and find out exactly who is driving. If it's clear there's no way they have space for all the teens with adult drivers I might volunteer to drive, if I had the time to give up. Or I just might decide dd could go if she met the group at laser tag place--again this would involve my time. I would not agree to dd getting rides with teens I don't know. I wouldn't agree to a party at the home unless I could meet the parents and feel confident they'd be present during the party. Oh no matter what I'd enforce the phone. I had this problem with my dd. we started not leaving the house until she could show me her phone fully charged. This made her angry, as she was late to things. It's taken a couple of years, but she now mostly carries her phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 How did we manage without mobile phones? They didn't exist when I was a teenager and I got my first in my early thirties. I can't imagine not having one now but don't you find them a tad restrictive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My kids would be going, but then again, we also let them go to third world countries alone (in a group, but no family) starting when they were 13. We've often let them go play laser tag or paintball at places over an hour away with others driving. I still don't know all who are in the groups they go with. And none of mine even had a cell phone when they were 15, so that wouldn't be an issue at all. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I did not vote. Here you have to show ID and be 18 or over to get into laser tag or paintball Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Um I always put the phone at home off the hook when my mom would be gone so she couldn't call me....so the deliberate turning phone off to ME is her way of avoiding your contact on purpose. I would say no based on my sneaky ways at that age. Bring her to laser tag yourself.....I bet she suddenly won't want to go to the party ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would let her go but with a code word she uses when she calls or texts to let you know she needs to be picked up. We have a standing rule with our kids that we will pick them up, no questions asked, no blame assigned, at any time. Once they are in high school, it is unusual to know the kids or their parents personally, and we rely on the groundwork we have, we hope, laid in their earlier years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I answered yes. My kid doesn't have a phone. I tend to not worry about this kind of stuff.my kids very rarely get a no from us. I got lots of no and it didn't go well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 At 15, Calvin was travelling around the country by train with a couple of friends, visiting universities and staying in cheap hotels. He had his suitcase stolen off the train and the first we heard of it was when he called us to ask what brand the suitcase was, 'Because the policeman wants to know.' L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would let a 15yo go with a phone…younger than that probably not. I would talk to the parents when I dropped her off. We live in a rural area and rarely know the parents of kids my boys meet at school until we take them to their home and take a few minutes to speak to them. You are not a bad mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Um I always put the phone at home off the hook when my mom would be gone so she couldn't call me....so the deliberate turning phone off to ME is her way of avoiding your contact on purpose. I would say no based on my sneaky ways at that age. Bring her to laser tag yourself.....I bet she suddenly won't want to go to the party ;-) That would make me mad and if I paid the bill on it I would stop. I am the parent if my kid don't answer I would show up and she knows it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would call and check details with the parents. I would let her go. I would have her take her phone but expect her to turn it off during the event. She isn't going to be able to hear it ring and having it on while playing laser tag seems unnecessary. I actually applaud her for her phone usage. I find cell phone behavior a bit rude these days. When with your friends, you should be paying attention to them. (Mine do keep theirs on, but I don't expect them to answer it immediately. They can call back if they are in a conversation. I also understand that it is hard to hear them if you are in a crowd or phone is in purse.) Ask her to please call you when they arrive at event and before they leave. She should also notify you if any plans change, maybe like stopping for a snack on the way home. I do find not letting her go to be a bit overprotective for a 15 yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My other is more of a yes, but with caveats. It would definitely depend on how I felt about my 15yo's level of maturity and responsibility. Could I depend on her to call me if anything felt "off"? What, if anything, do I know *about these people, even if I don't know them directly? An hour is almost local in my world. (I know that's kind of crazy from having grown up in a very different world!) That part wouldn't be a factor for me. I have let my son go off when he was much younger to football games and paintball with people I only knew a little bit, so I'd probably be somewhat okay in this situation with a 15yo. The right 15yo. Which I would predict could be my older daughter, but maybe not my younger daughter at 15! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I've only read the op so far, so you may have answered this...is there any way, between now and the party, that you can meet with the parents? Even a conversation on the phone? It may help you get a better feel for them.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Would you let your 15 yo dd go to a party an hour away when you hadn't even met the birthday girl, much less her parents? This is a drop off at their house, and they drive your kids an hour away to go play lazer tag, and then they bring them home. ETA: Would any of the people who said yes, think differently if they knew said child is notorious for not taking her phone with her? She has an attitude of "I don't need it if I'm w/ my friends", because she still doesn't grasp the concept that she has a phone so dh and I can communicate w/ her. Every. Single. time I have needed to get ahold of her, she hasn't had her phone with her, or she turns it off, because she is with her friends. With your added info, it seems that you've probably made up your mind. Go with your gut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I voted yes, and I would tell her she has to have her phone on and on her, if she can't do that then she can't go. I would be insistent about the phone and more than just for this one day. Call the parents just to say hi and introduce yourself or do so when you drop her at the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I don't know if I would let her go or not--however, the phone issue would be irrelevant. I'm surprised you brought it into the conversation actually, as it seems like an attempt to get support from "any of the people who said yes." I understand you want her to have her phone and be accessible to you at all times, but her unwillingness to do so may be in response to feeling smothered. If it were MY kid, I would back off of that and save my battles for what is truly important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 On the phone issue...You should not need to get ahold of your dd while you know she is at a party an hour away. Things can wait. Expect her to be otherwise engaged from the time you drop her off until she comes home. Try to view the phone as a means for HER to contact you if she needs something. Try to view it as her safety line, not yours. Perhaps you can get the driving parent's cell number to sooth your nerves. (I'm not envisioning the parent driver being in the laser tag game and being more likely to be able to hear their phone. Me, I'd be dropping the kids off and going shopping or to a movie while they play.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Frankly the turn off to me is the hour away. Two hours of me driving for this? Ugh...no. You obviously live in a larger city. Totally common here to need to drive this type of distance for entertainment events. My kids even have had an hour each way for daily sports practices; sometimes twice a day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 The phone: during a party one isn't likely to hear a phone ring. I've been many places and not heard my phone even when the ringer is set on loud. You hear the phone is you are at a coffee shop with friends or other quieter socializing activities, but there are many, many places you don't hear it. I definitely would not expect to hear the phone during laser tag. My concern about the details is do you know for sure that laser tag is the plan or is that just what your dd told you. As I said above, I'd offer to be a driver for the group or simply drive her to meet the group myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My dad was overly protective when I was growing up - always not letting me do things with my school friends (anything from bowling to the prom to the class France trip). Often I was the only one who had to stay home. To this day it still bugs me... Perhaps that's why I'm far more inclined to say yes to my guys. I've never regretted saying yes - neither have they. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indian summer Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 No. Only because she is turning her phone off. If she always had her phone on, then my answer would be yes. If she makes a promise to keep it charged and on, I'd still say no because she needs to earn back that trust first before venturing to a party like this. IMO, there need to be clear and consistent consequences for breaking this rule. And missing out on a party would send a very clear message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indian summer Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Um I always put the phone at home off the hook when my mom would be gone so she couldn't call me....so the deliberate turning phone off to ME is her way of avoiding your contact on purpose. I would say no based on my sneaky ways at that age. Bring her to laser tag yourself.....I bet she suddenly won't want to go to the party ;-) Oh Tess, you and I are thinking along the same lines. I was a sneaky kid too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would. She is a year away from driving herself there. Either way you're not a bad mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 But what did people do prior to cell phones? I never had a cell phone growing up and I went places. I currently have a prepaid cell that I pretty much never use. My kids don't have phones. I don't like cell phones. I guess I'm weird, but I don't talk on the phone much and half the time I forget the phone and the other half of the time I can't figure out how to turn it on. There were pay phones everywhere. While your parents couldn't check in with you, you could easily check in with your parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes, and it's not like I ever would have actually *used* a pay phone. The nice thing is that almost everyone has a cell phone now, so if you don't have one, someone will always let you borrow theirs, or at the very least, make the call for you. I consider myself very conservative--maybe not in my ultra-conservative circles, but I am on the extreme end for this board. I don't think the solution is to crack down harder but to find out why she's so determined to be unavailable. You have to live with each other for several more years, and you want this to be a time of growth for her, a pleasant time for you to look back on, not a time of punishment. The hardline approach at this point usually doesn't turn out well for anyone.As I said before, unless THIS is your deal breaker, I'd ease up on that restriction and work WITH your 15 yo to find an agreement that suits both of you. At 15, I'd want to be focusing on the majors with my kid. It seems that there are far bigger issues here than whether or not the OP's daughter should go play laser tag an hour away. But whether or not you let her go, you are NOT a bad mom!! Don't feed into that false guilt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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