Dealing with 'bad' gift givers

[abba12]

Looking for a way to handle this. My children are blessed to have LOTS of extended family, most of which buy gifts for the kids. So first of all we have the issue of a sudden influx of lots of 'stuff'. I have dealt with this for my side of the family, who are very considerate gift givers who put a lot of time into choosing something special, and we have a few strategies to help everyone, which they are glad for as much as us.

 

The problem is my husbands side of the family. 8 uncles and aunts, 1 great aunt and great uncle, grandma and grandad, and apparently NONE of them have any concept of appropriate gifts. Please know, I am not an ungrateful person and we appreciate everything our kids are blessed with, (I am also trying to separate this as much as possible from the personal issues we have with them, for any who remember my previous thread about my inlaws) but this is quickly becoming a real issue. 

 

They believe giving gifts is very important, but because they are a very... emotionless type of family, they do not put a great deal of effort into their present choices, it seems to be the act of giving the present, regardless of what it is, that is important to them. Out of the pile of toys we brought home from Christmas (which were already, unfortunately, very obviously biased towards one child), only 3 of them are likely to see any long term use. The rest are double-ups of preexisting toys, inferior versions of preexisting toys, age/interest inappropriate, or just plain weird. Then for DD1s 3rd birthday they showed up with two toys, one intended for babies, the other for younger toddlers and well under her interest level. MIL acknowledged this completely, and said, word for word 'I know they're a bit young for her, but SIL thought they were cute!' - yeah, they are cute, but if they are completely inappropriate for the child, it doesn't matter how cute they are, they wont be used.

 

Now, sure, I can just keep it all on the shelf for the polite amount of time, then toss them/pass them down to DD2. But meanwhile DD1 misses out (not such a big deal now but it will be next year) and they have wasted their money. I don't want them to waste their money, I don't want to throw out the gifts they give the kids, I feel terribly guilty doing so, but I can't keep every toy they're given when they are given so many, and the ones they are given are rarely touched because they weren't appropriate.

 

1. How do I deal with the gifts we have been given which are not suitable? Some can be saved for the next child, but others will never see real use in our family and house 

 

2. How can I try to change what they buy, or stop them wasting their money, without seeming rude and ungrateful? I HATE christmas/birthday lists, I find them offensive and thoughtless, but maybe I need to write one for this side of the family each year? If I do, how do I present it without looking rude/selfish/ungrateful? What about a middle ground, is there a way of presenting some sort of list of 'gift guidelines' without looking bad? I have tried hinting towards specific gifts before. One of them, hinted towards for my daughters 2nd birthday, was bought for the girls this Christmas just gone... you know, after we didn't get it last Christmas/birthday so I went out and bought it myself for them and have had it in my house for 8 months. The second and third, my hint was apparently too vague and we ended up with one completely age inappropriate item, and one item that was weird, didn't really match our goals at all, and is completely unsuitable for the intended purpose and will probably never be used.

 

3. What if, like so many other things in that family, they decide they're just fine with the status quo and not willing to change for anyone? How can I handle the presents given, and how can I handle their apparent cluelessness when it comes to being 'even and fair'? (not a concept I usually push, life isn't fair, but when it comes to grandma giving christmas presents to grandkids, it really should be. And there's nothing fair about both of DD1s bday presents being obviously better for, and more enjoyable for, her sister, and watching her sister use them instead while she essentially gets nothing)

 

I don't want to upset them any more than I already have, and for the sake of the kids I want this to work, but it just feels like such an impossible situation. Coming from a family who begins Christmas shopping in July and me, personally, as someone who will import items to get what I think is perfect instead of settling for whatever is on the shelf in the third week of December, I just don't get it. I don't expect them to put as much time and thought into gifts as I do, a lot of people don't and that's fine, but is a criteria beyond 'it was cute' or 'it was on sale', regardless of appropriateness or use, too much to ask from close relatives? 

 

ETA: it's not just the kids gifts they're clueless about btw, but it's a lot easier to smile and say thank you and put our unwanted gifts in the back of a cupboard somewhere. 

[elegantlion]

I don't think you can change how people give gifts unless they ask. Sometimes people without little kids really are clueless about what is appropriate. i couldn't pick out a good gift for the average 5 year old unless they had tastes similar to what ds had at that age. We maintain a family amazon wish list for family members that asked for it. They do care, but they don't really know ds well enough to gauge a gift. 
 

I  still maintain the appropriate action is "thank you," write a note and then deal with the gift how you may. In their eyes they're not wasting their money. I often got weird gifts from grandma (who was an alcoholic - which excused some of the behavior). I mean who gives an 8 year old tomboy lacey handkerchiefs? 

 

If they want to take the trouble to find the appropriate gift, they will. Personally, I would say nothing because it will only come across as complaining. if you want to do something, create an Amazon wish list and have your dh send them a link when necessary. 

[Meadowlark]

Oh boy, I honestly could've written this post. No great advice, just know you're not alone.

 

I finally did offer to start buying presents for my parents to help them out. I thought my mom would be offended but she was actually appreciative. I found the absolute best deals I could on amazon, had them shipped to her, and she wrote me out a big check in the end. Success! Could your husband suggest such a thing?

 

Also, I've started releasing the guilt about getting rid of stuff. If we don't use it, it goes. Is it a big waste of money to get rid of perfectly great toys? Yes, but it's YOUR house and YOU have to live with all of the stuff. For me, clutter is dehabilitating to what I'm trying to accomplish. Could you look into consigning? I also have done that with toys. Sure, the kids open their gifts but I usually wait a few weeks or months, and they don't even miss them.

 

You can't change people (as much as I've tried) so I think the best thing you can do is figure out how to deal with it. That's what I tell myself anyway. The relationships are more important than the stuff, although it's hard.

[Irishmommy]

We make Amazon gift lists for the kids! I got so tired of having to explain to my MIL what the gift was, where to get it, etc. The gift list has been the best thing for us!

[Irishmommy]

And, donate the gifts they don't use to charity, then at least someone will get enjoyment from them.

[abba12]

I don't think you can change how people give gifts unless they ask. Sometimes people without little kids really are clueless about what is appropriate. i couldn't pick out a good gift for the average 5 year old unless they had tastes similar to what ds had at that age. We maintain a family amazon wish list for family members that asked for it. They do care, but they don't really know ds well enough to gauge a gift. 

 

This is the thing. I assume my mother in law does most of the gift picking (I know at least two of the uncles had no idea what they had bought for the girls for christmas until we opened it) and she had 8 kids! Surely after 8 kids of your own you would have SOME concept of appropriateness. They live a half hour away so they are also not the sort of grandparents we only see once a year, they know our children, they know DD1 is bright and knows her letters and is scared of instability in water and has no interest whatsoever in stuffed animals but loves construction toys and craft, they have seen it when they've babysat, had us over to swim or dinner, talked to us on the phone multiple times a month. And yet she still recieved a generic teddy bear, a pool floatie vest which she cannot and will not use because it makes her bob around too much, and a baby 'push the button, flick the switch' type toy, among other things.

 

I'd like to do an amazon list but we live in Australia and have no real substitute. I am doing a pintrest list at the moment, but the fact is, if they can't pick it up from target or kmart during the weekly shop, they likely won't be interested. I would be happy to buy for them, I just don't know how I offer that politely.

[abba12]

And, donate the gifts they don't use to charity, then at least someone will get enjoyment from them.

 

oh, yes, when I say 'toss' I do have a donation pile that they usually get put on. Throwing them out was just a generic term :)

[cjzimmer1]

Honestly, trying to change them will likely cause a fight or more hurt feelings.  Personally I loathe gift giving and find it a burdonsome chore.  I'd quit gift giving all together if I could but since it's expected, I participate.  I do try to match the interest of the recipient but I'm sure I've missed as much as I've hit.  That's okay. Just because your in-laws don't treat gift giving the same way you do doesn't make them wrong.  Clearly it's your love language to spend time picking out thoughtful gifts, but that is not everyone's love language and expecting it of them is unfair.

 

For your kids, learning how to act appreciative even in the face of something they don't like is a really good skill to develop.  Yes it's hard but disappointments are a part of life, and learning to cope is a lot easier as a kid than as an adult who has always gotten the perfect thing all through childhood and then suddenly realizes the real world doesn't work that way.  And yes eventually your kids will see that grandma doesn't treat them the same and well it sucks but it's still reality and something that needs to be learned how to be handled.  Life is full of unfair bosses/employers who don't treat everyone fairly even when they should.

 

As far as what to do with the stuff.  We almost never open the packaging to a gift at the event.  Then when we get home we decide what we want to keep and what we don't want.  Makes it much easier to return anything we have gotten that we didn't really want in the first place.  So I think in your shoes, I'd be trying to keep the kids from ripping open the packages until we we at home without the relatives present. 

[Haiku]

Question 1: Donate them. Why be guilted into keeping something you don't need/won't use?

 

Question 2: I started giving clueless family members catalogs to educational or fun places my kids like (Edmund Scientific, Shop NHL) and telling people that my kids would be really thrilled to receive a gift from there. It's not rude to mention what your kids would enjoy. Most people want to give gifts that kids will enjoy.

 

Question 3: You basically have two choices: deal with it, or tell the family members that you will not accept gifts from them. I suggest the former option, and, honestly, it is not your job to enforce a fairness standard among gifts given by other people. If you feel a child is being intentionally slighted, then mention it, but if it's more a result of clueless gift giving, well, that's a good time to teach the child to be gracious about receiving a dud gift.

 

The one time one of my kids dared to complain about a gift they received, I reminded said child that s/he was absolutely and 100% NOT entitled to receive gifts from anyone and if the complaining continued I would ensure that s/he never had the opportunity to complain about a gift again. The same could be said for adults about their children's gifts, although I do understand that if a child is being *intentionally* slighted, that's a different matter. A black friend of mine was adopted by white parents, and one set of grandparents refused to acknowledge her. She remembers one of her parents taking her siblings (bio grandchildren) to see the grandparents for Christmas while she and the other parent stayed home. I've always felt those parents deserved a huge smack upside the head for that dumbass behavior.

[zoobie]

Don't try to change them. Just accept what they give, say thank you, and toss (into the appropriate pile ;) ). Deep breath out and let it alllllll go.

 

I understand feeling hurt by the lack of effort. Soon your kids will be old enough to get a giggle out of the inappropriate gifts. Sounds like they have plenty of other thoughtful givers who more than make up for the others.

[ChristusG]

What about this situation......what if it is someone you see often and after a few weeks they say "Where's the so-and-so-gift? Is little Jimmy enjoying it?" When in all reality, you tossed it into the donate pile the very next day! I hate that situation LOL.

[Guest]

Your home isn't a landfill.

 

Yes, it sucks to see money wasted on cheap plastic crap, but please throw away the garbage instead of taking time away from your children to pick it up, clean it, organize it, store it, come up with valid explanations for cancelling playdates because you're embarassed about living in a house that looks like that hoarders teevee show, think of clever ways to entice your kids to watch another episode of that Dora show while you make clever signs for yard sales you're going to have as soon as you save up enough money to pay the sitter so you can have a yard sale so your house doesn't look like that hoarders teevee show, etc.

 

Your time isn't garbage.

[Ellie]

I don't think you can change how people give gifts unless they ask. Sometimes people without little kids really are clueless about what is appropriate. i couldn't pick out a good gift for the average 5 year old unless they had tastes similar to what ds had at that age. We maintain a family amazon wish list for family members that asked for it. They do care, but they don't really know ds well enough to gauge a gift. 

 

I  still maintain the appropriate action is "thank you," write a note and then deal with the gift how you may. In their eyes they're not wasting their money. I often got weird gifts from grandma (who was an alcoholic - which excused some of the behavior). I mean who gives an 8 year old tomboy lacey handkerchiefs? 

 

If they want to take the trouble to find the appropriate gift, they will. Personally, I would say nothing because it will only come across as complaining. if you want to do something, create an Amazon wish list and have your dh send them a link when necessary. 

 

:iagree: ...with everything except creating a wish list. :-)

[Garga]

You said that you don't like gift lists...but what about them? Do they like gift lists? I LOVE gift lists. Oh sure, sometimes I come up with a gift on my own that's perfect, but when the inspiration isn't striking I like to get someone something they've been wanting but couldn't get for themselves for whatever reason.

 

First step: find out if they like gift lists. Just ask. If they do, problem might be solved!

 

If not: uh...I dunno. You've got a problem, then! :)

[alef]

No idea whether this would go over well with your inlaws, but what about establishing one or two types of toys that you can let everyone know you are collecting? I'm thinking of expandable open ended sets like Legos or duplos, wooden railway sets, oh, and a collection of Classic children's books.

[Starr]

They will buy what they will buy. You will clean out what you clean out. Try to find some humor in the situation.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[abba12]

What about this situation......what if it is someone you see often and after a few weeks they say "Where's the so-and-so-gift? Is little Jimmy enjoying it?" When in all reality, you tossed it into the donate pile the very next day! I hate that situation LOL.

 

This is why I always keep the gift for a 'polite' amount of time. It's even more awkward on the off chance they want to play with it with the child! We have begun a tradition of a large toy clearout in november/december each year, so most things hang around on a shelf for about 10 months, then get pitched then. There's a few exceptions, one item (one of those foam playmats with the letters that punch out) is going this week, because the kids just pull it apart and play with all the pieces, and all the little holes in the letters are individual pieces too and it is just a nightmare to clean up. Probably great for a child who comes home to quiet play after preschool/daycare and plays ON it, then pulls it up on the weekend, but this thing is 10 minutes every night to put back together after my two active toddlers have been at it... just no. Other items will probably live in a cupboard for a few more years, like the swimming vest which may have a purpose with another child, or DD1 when she's older.

 

Thanks for the feedback, at least I feel a bit better looking at the items that I know are not going to be used. I intended to make a 'wishlist' for a couple of people and my own reference, so I might just send them the link too. Anyone know any polite ways to do so? They seem to like wishlists for themselves, all the aunts and uncles used to write them, however we have never been asked for a wishlist for the kids, or even ideas except for one time (which they ignored) so I haven't been quite sure what their stance would be.

[saw]

I think there's apps for creating wishlists. One word of warning - I have a similar situation with in-laws who just don't get what the kids are all about but will be generous with gifts. One year I thought I would be clever with an Amazon wishlist for them. The kids added what they wanted, I edited it for price/appropriateness, and we sent off the link. They had actually asked for a list, so it was fine to send specific requests and no one was offended.

The in-laws then bought EVERYTHING on the list! I was horrified. Even worse, ds7 got about 5 substantial gifts, while ds12 received medium-sized gift (he'd added only one because he didn't really want anything gift, while ds7 loves anything and everything). These were opened by in a Skype session with the in-laws, who could see ds7 opening lots of pressies while ds12 had just the one, but nothing was ever said! Fortunately ds12 chose to be amused rather than offended, and ds7 didn't notice. DDs got quite a few presents too but not as many as ds7. I was seriously annoyed but didn't say anything as it wouldn't have done any good. So it might be wise if you think this or something similar could happen to annotate the wishlist with specific limitations or keep it trimmed down! This year they gave xdh a huge chunk of money to buy gifts for the kids, but not all of that got spent on the kids! 

And as for inappropriate gifts, MIL just kindly gave ds7 a bright pink box for his rainbow loom and oodles of pink and purple bands. Very nice, but not exactly his colours! She means well but doesn't think. 

[KungFuPanda]

Is there something collect able that your children like . . . Like Thomas Trains? That would make it easy to shop and duplicates won't matter when they're playing.

 

Can you do a gift registry at Target. Would that help?

 

Beyond that, return what you can and find a women's shelter that could really use the extra toys. Not every child is swimming in toys and your overflow could be a real blessing to someone. That's a very good thing.

[Cera]

I haven't read any of the responses.

 

I have two girls, two years apart (7 and 9).  We have a very similar large family situation.  

 

They will take their cues from you.  You find the situation irritating but you don't need to teach them to feel that way.  You can spin it however you want to.  I have chosen to stress how nice it is that people think of them and how lucky they are to have so many people who want to give them gifts.  They work together (because I have stressed the importance of doing so) and will happily give each other gifts that would fit the other better (size or personality wise) and share things they both love when only one is received.  They also really enjoy setting aside all of the things that are unneeded or unwanted and donating them to those children who aren't as lucky as they are (to have a large, caring family).

 

I have taught both that a gift is just that.  You should not expect it or put any restrictions or expectations on it and they are fine with that.  It really negates any disappointment and allows them to enjoy gift giving holidays for the process (buying for others, opening and appreciating the effort, etc) rather than the outcome (all the unneeded stuff you wind up with in the end).

 

 

[LucyStoner]

There's not much you can do but vent privately and return or dispose of the unwanted gifts. After a thank you.

 

My father, in some misguided attempt to recreate his own childhood, used a windfall and spent way too much this Christmas buying cowboy outfits, from boots to hats for each grandchild. Sounds nice, right? Those grandkids ranged in age from 5-18 with most being 10+. As you also may note none of them are into cowboys, at all. And they all live in suburbia, far removed from being cattle hands or riding horses. Making matters worse, my son with Autism has massive sensory issues around clothing and can totally lose it over the feel of his shoes, pants and shirt. He literally only wears Merell mocs or keens. I knew what was coming (my dad isn't good on surprises) and I was certainly peeved (not to my dad, just privately) and I did what I could to ease my son into trying it on for the picture without incident. Even at that, it was clear to anyone paying attention that no one was thrilled and my older son was uncomfortable in the extreme. Everyone not including my dad who deluded himself into thinking it was all big hits. The thought that my dad is an undiagnosed 70 year old man with ASD has crossed my mind, more than once.

 

Yes the money he spent or much less could have bought them something they loved. Heck it could have paid for the violin lessons my younger son is set on and bought my older son any number of robotics parts. But they got cowboy outfits that will basically see next to no use. My dad doesn't need to know that the only parts that anyone wears are the jeans and that the only part my son with ASD agreed to keep in his wardrobe was the hat, on the premise it will be nice for summer camping. I was hoping the little kids would be excited about it but no dice, besides my one 6 year old niece who will wear the boots.

 

So now you know why I have two pairs of cowboy boots and one cowboy hat and a stiff pair of jeans and red canvas shirt on top of my dresser waiting for returns or donations or to be stashed away in storage.

 

Don't hesitate to get rid of the things that clutter, even if they were gifts.

[SKL]

1. Have no expectations.

2. Keep family informed on an ongoing basis about what the kids are interested in.  E.g., on facebook or in a friendly update sort of letter, "Junior has become obsessed with the movie ___" (or with Lego or whatever).

3. Make a fuss about any gift that turned out to be a hit with your kids.  If it was a hit with the wrong kid, include that info too.  ("DS3 is loving the toy we got for DS6's birthday!")

4. Be gracious no matter what.

5. Donate outgrown stuff to younger relatives ASAP - especially if they are on that side of the family.  Hint, hint!

6. This isn't actually that important.  I have the same problem, but it's an inconvenience, not something deserving of my emotional energy.

[LucyStoner]

It's a similar story here. Extended family sends gifts to our children. Some of these people have not ever met our children. We often get stuff that is completely out there. I think they WERE even thinking about it when they picked it, but they seem to have no concept for the age of our children. As an example, my older son would get a pack of fat coloring pencils and a very babyish coloring book. And they were even very nice coloring pencils, but uh he hasn't used fat writing implements since he was 3 (he is 12 now).

 

I don't say anything other than thank you. I give stuff away we can't use.

My personal fave example along those lines was the aunt who sent my older, then in preschool, son a huge set of markers in every possible color. They were all SHARPIES.

 

FWIW, my aunt is a middle aged woman with three kids of her own. So no using age or inexperience with children as an excuse.

 

Permanent markers for tiny kids. Needless to say I kidnapped those on the spot and got him some washable markers instead.

[Elisabet1]

This could be a few different things. Either, they are being snarky and don't care about your children liking the gifts, or they are really trying and not realizing what they are doing..and so on.....

 

You could try giving the gifts back to them and say you hate to see their money wasted so they can have them back to return. You could tell them you will not accept inappropriate gifts anymore and if they come to you, you will stick them in a charity box. OR, you could regift themo. Maybe give the baby gift to SIL and tell her "MIL says you loved this and thought it was cute!" And make that her only gift.

 

It takes some courage to do my suggestions here actually. But the re-gifting back at them would work.

[elegantlion]

I want to address the "well she has 8 kids" for a moment. I have one, I can't remember age appropriateness and even though my son is only 16, toys have changed. I walked through the toy aisle at Christmas and it was overwhelming to see all the stuff I had no clue about. Honestly, if you're not currently living in the toy stage, it's hard to know. I can't imagine how mixed up memories might be with 8 kids, besides the fact everything has changed. 

 

When I was pregnant, my MIL offered to take us to Babies R Us and help us figure out what was really necessary for a baby. Five minutes into the store she proclaimed everything had changed so much, she had no clue. She was as overwhelmed as we were. 

 

Again, I don't think you can change how they give unless they ask for specifics. 

[AK_Mom4]

We went to "The kids would love it if you bought them a book".  Any book was fine, but classics would be lovely.  If it was too old for them, it went on the shelf for when the kids were older.  If the book was too young for them or a duplicate, we "shared" it by donating it or handing out to younger friends.  We ended up with a nice shelf of children's classic books.  It made the gift-giving easier for everyone involved and I have no guilt handing on books to other people.

[J-rap]

I'd probably just accept them with a thank you (and encourage children to do the same).  Then, unless there is something that really, really catches your child's interest, I'd immediately put them into a big bag to take to the local thrift store or Salvation Army.  They're not being thrown away so you don't have to feel guilty about that.  Perhaps another thing you can do is stop having big family birthday parties.  (I don't know if you have these, but am assuming that's one of the occasions where the gift-giving takes place.)   Just have a small one among yourselves, but no more extended family parties. 

[Amy in NH]

I told my kids that if anyone gives them any gift, they are to say thank you and accept it graciously.  If it is something they already have, or not what they'd want, we will do our best to return it to a store for credit they can use to choose something else.  If it is something I know they wouldn't play with, or that I don't want them to have, I do as someone else suggested and quietly put it aside before the packaging can be torn off, and to do the same in the end.  If I couldn't return it to a store I would save it aside to regift (appropriately!) and give the child the equivalent cost to choose something else, or donate it.

[Uff Da!]

I keep a year round running "gift idea list for the kids" on the computer.  The list is extensive and has everything from practical items to absurd requests from the kids.  I told the relatives that it was for me (so I don't have to think when holidays approach) and anyone else who wants help figuring out what to buy the kids.  If they want ideas, I e-mail the list to them and simply request that they delete whatever they get from the list and forward it to whoever else wants it.  Eventually, it gets back to me.  It works well for everyone.

 

As far as gifts that won't get used, we send "Thank you's" and donate if needed.  We don't get many of these from family thankfully.

[SKL]

I know it's a questionable etiquette policy, but I do send a wish list for my girls to certain selected people.  Only those who will certainly find it helpful.  I wouldn't assume my in-laws would appreciate that.

[catz]

I don't think you can send a list without being asked for one without being rude. I always have one in reserve here. That said, my DH has taken the bull by the horns and started sending suggestions to a couple of his most obnoxious relatives. I wouldn't do it, but he's comfortable doing it with a couple siblings.

 

Now that my kids are a little older, it's not too bad, but for years plenty of stuff just got donated out after politely saying thank you. I think it's perfectly fine to donate things that aren't going to work for you.

[QueenCat]

Lists are fine if they are asked for..... but never if they have not been asked for...... I can't stand it when I'm sent a list that I haven't asked for, because then I feel like it is expected that I choose from that list, when I already have something else in mind.

[marbel]

My in-laws are the same way.  They give terrible gifts to all of us, really.  We would like to get out of gifts with them but they won't hear of it.  At least for us it's just the grandparents, not a huge number of people. 

 

First of all, they are your husband's parents so this is his to deal with.  My husband has chosen not to address the problem with his parents, so I keep things a polite amount of time, and sometimes will use something if I'm going to be seeing them.  (We only see them a few times a year, so that is easy for us.)  For example, I have a purse my MIL gave me that I carry when we travel to see them. After several months to a year, most things get donated.  No, I don't have room for them, but I manage.

 

For toys that are clearly inappropriate, I would get rid of them immediately, and not make excuses.  If asked "oh, we passed that gift on to someone who could use it.  DD is reading now so she really doesn't need the phonics bus anymore."     Don't let a child feel she is "missing out" on gifts if someone gives her something inappropriate/unusable.  It is a skill to receive an unwanted gift with grace.  Teacher your kids how to write a thank you note that is as sincere as possible.  "Thank you for the toy. It is cute. Thank you for thinking of me."  "Thank you for the game.  It looks like fun [for someone else]."  We get fruit every year from someone - a fruit no one in our house eats.  My thank you note says "the fruit is beautiful. Thank you for thinking of us."   Then I take the fruit to church and let people take what they wish.

 

I would suggest if  you and your husband want to stop the gift-giving, that your husband be the one to speak to his family.  If he won't, let it go.  If someone gets upset that something was given away, send them to your husband to discuss it.  Don't be the inlaw who is hard to get along with.

[Ellie]

 

Thanks for the feedback, at least I feel a bit better looking at the items that I know are not going to be used. I intended to make a 'wishlist' for a couple of people and my own reference, so I might just send them the link too. Anyone know any polite ways to do so? They seem to like wishlists for themselves, all the aunts and uncles used to write them, however we have never been asked for a wishlist for the kids, or even ideas except for one time (which they ignored) so I haven't been quite sure what their stance would be.

 

There is no polite way to tell people which gifts you want them to buy. I know wish lists are very popular, but still...

[SKL]

If your kids do Santa, you could have them write their Santa list, scan it, and email it to everyone saying "how cute is this, isn't Jr. funny?"  LOL.

[zoobie]

This is why I always keep the gift for a 'polite' amount of time. It's even more awkward on the off chance they want to play with it with the child! We have begun a tradition of a large toy clearout in november/december each year, so most things hang around on a shelf for about 10 months, then get pitched then. There's a few exceptions, one item (one of those foam playmats with the letters that punch out) is going this week, because the kids just pull it apart and play with all the pieces, and all the little holes in the letters are individual pieces too and it is just a nightmare to clean up. Probably great for a child who comes home to quiet play after preschool/daycare and plays ON it, then pulls it up on the weekend, but this thing is 10 minutes every night to put back together after my two active toddlers have been at it... just no. Other items will probably live in a cupboard for a few more years, like the swimming vest which may have a purpose with another child, or DD1 when she's older.

 

Thanks for the feedback, at least I feel a bit better looking at the items that I know are not going to be used. I intended to make a 'wishlist' for a couple of people and my own reference, so I might just send them the link too. Anyone know any polite ways to do so? They seem to like wishlists for themselves, all the aunts and uncles used to write them, however we have never been asked for a wishlist for the kids, or even ideas except for one time (which they ignored) so I haven't been quite sure what their stance would be.

If they send YOU a wish list, I would reply and say great, here's ours! Otherwise, nope. Chances are, they'll get weird stuff even with a list. I also wouldn't feel obligated to hang on to ANYTHING. In a couple of years, the materials of the swim vest could be degraded. It's taken up space (and energy!) in your life, and someone else could actually be using it.

[ssavings]

Despite the questionable etiquette, I keep an ongoing Pinterest board of "things the kids might like", which contains links to various toys/games/books/homeschool supplies that my kids might enjoy. I put what kid I think would enjoy it in the comments.

It's something I created (and use) for myself (and for DH!) - to keep track of random things I see in homeschool catalogs, Amazon, whatever that I think would be enjoyed. I've never sent it to anyone or suggested that gifts be bought from it, but most of the time my family refers to it for gift ideas. 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

There is no polite way to tell people which gifts you want them to buy. I know wish lists are very popular, but still...

There is no polite way to send someone a gift ideas list they didn't ask for. There is a way to use technology to provide the person who does ask for or look for a list with some helpful ideas. I hate gift registries and didn't even make one for my wedding and only made one for having a baby at the insistence of those wanting to throw showers. But I regularly stalk the online wish lists of friends and family (amazon or Pinterest) if I need a good idea or to check and make sure what I have in mind is not something they already have. There isn't anything inherently rude about a wish list, anymore so than there was something rude about granny asking to see the letter you wrote to Santa. Technology can be used for good in this area.

 

Example: I was going to buy someone Stevie Wonder's Songs from the School of Life but checked and saw that he had bought it so I got Where I'm Coming From instead. He didn't send me this list, I found it and bookmarked it. He has too much music for me to sneak glances at his collection. I want to give someone a gift, not an errand or an exchange to arrange, if at all possible.

[countrygal]

I think there's apps for creating wishlists. One word of warning - I have a similar situation with in-laws who just don't get what the kids are all about but will be generous with gifts. One year I thought I would be clever with an Amazon wishlist for them. The kids added what they wanted, I edited it for price/appropriateness, and we sent off the link. They had actually asked for a list, so it was fine to send specific requests and no one was offended.

The in-laws then bought EVERYTHING on the list! I was horrified. Even worse, ds7 got about 5 substantial gifts, while ds12 received medium-sized gift (he'd added only one because he didn't really want anything gift, while ds7 loves anything and everything). These were opened by in a Skype session with the in-laws, who could see ds7 opening lots of pressies while ds12 had just the one, but nothing was ever said! Fortunately ds12 chose to be amused rather than offended, and ds7 didn't notice. DDs got quite a few presents too but not as many as ds7. I was seriously annoyed but didn't say anything as it wouldn't have done any good. So it might be wise if you think this or something similar could happen to annotate the wishlist with specific limitations or keep it trimmed down! This year they gave xdh a huge chunk of money to buy gifts for the kids, but not all of that got spent on the kids! 

And as for inappropriate gifts, MIL just kindly gave ds7 a bright pink box for his rainbow loom and oodles of pink and purple bands. Very nice, but not exactly his colours! She means well but doesn't think. 

 

I had this happen as well... so I told them next year, you don't have to buy 'everything', that these are just suggestions! So I shortened the list next time. I also didn't give the same items to different people because we got duplicate gifts and it's awkward when the kids says "Hey, I got one of these from Grandma, too." (And Grandma and Grandpa are divorced.) Fortunately I most family asks what they can buy. You can just ask if they would like suggestions and if they say sure, make a list. I've learned to tell the kids to say thanks and not talk about the gift if they don't like it. It works, sometimes.

 

I have struggled with this for a long time, so you aren't alone! I have numerous extended family that like giving gifts, and many expensive gifts when I KNOW they don't have the money to do that. And we keep having more kids! lol. I also don't like how the specialness of gift giving is taken away by the excessiveness. But you can't change people. These people also ask for the toy at later times so they can play with them with it. So I do keep them for a while. In fact I just started purging years worth of toys because we are moving to a smaller house. Nothing was off limits now. It feels good.

 

I also have a grandmother who started giving me her heirlooms when I got married 10 years ago. I started realizing that these heirlooms are tons of her decorative stuff, and she asks where it is and tells me where I can put it or hang it on which wall, etc... It's really become a burden. I'm not sure what to do about it yet...  some if it is big stuff, dishes, cabinets, tons of trinkets she collects. I'm started to not value them, actually I'm hating them. She's so concerned about giving all of her stuff to everyone so the stuff doesn't get thrown out when she dies. That's a whole other topic I guess...

[LMV]

Honestly, I don't think you can, or should really try to, change how others approach gift giving.  I think if asked you can provide suggestions; just don't suggest something you aren't sure you really want to let the child have because it's a good bet that grandpa will come through---ask my MIL how she knows that.  I think in some contexts, even if not asked, you can provide some guidelines of things not allowed.  This gets a bit trickier and I'm not sure that it won't offend or hurt feelings if you are already in a contentious relationship with the individual(s) involved.  In general the people our children receive gifts from are people DH and I have good relationships with.  We don't have to remind them that we prefer the children not have certain things because they know us, our parenting approaches, and respect them. Yes, we're blessed and, no, our parents/inlaws aren't for sale on e-bay.

 

I also agree that appropriateness and hit factor of gifts is often closely related to the closeness of the relationship.  My mom and MIL do well with gifts for our kids because they know them well and embrace their unique individuality.  I think it can be hard for relatives who don't see the kids a lot to get gifts that are just what the child wanted because they just don't know the child well enough.  I think that is sad for other reasons but I also understand that sometimes that is just reality and there may be very good reasons that anything else just isn't possible.  My MIL has a friend who has a son who married a woman that for whatever reason just doesn't get along with his family.  Her friend rarely sees her grandchildren and feels like she really doesn't know them so she usually just puts money into a trust she set up for their college on occasions when she would send a gift because she has no idea what they would like. Over a decade ago she apparently sent her DIL a check so she could get the kids Christmas gifts they would enjoy and the DIL apparently ranted to anyone who listen, including the children, about what an imposition that was.  After that she set up the trust.

[LMV]

I will also say that some of the most cherished gifts our oldest two daughters have received from my MIL have been pieces of my MIL's mom's extensive jewelry collection.  DH's great grandmother had more than a small fortune in jewelry.  Some of it traced back to her own rather privileged upbringing and I suspect that set the tone for what her husband gave her. I admit that if I heard this story from someone rather than being directly exposed to it I would have probably thought it wasteful that someone would have so much but the truth is that DH's great grandmother was such a warm, generous, kind, and compassionate person that I never reflected on the fact that she had enough jewelry to adorn a small nation and just enjoyed hearing the stories behind the pieces. I still have and will always cherish the jewelry she gave me when I married DH. When she died she had somewhat coded  what remained of her collection with how and when it should be distributed and MIL was given the vault access to do the distributing.  

[Laurie4b]

My in-laws are the same way.  They give terrible gifts to all of us, really.  We would like to get out of gifts with them but they won't hear of it.  At least for us it's just the grandparents, not a huge number of people. 

 

First of all, they are your husband's parents so this is his to deal with.  My husband has chosen not to address the problem with his parents, so I keep things a polite amount of time, and sometimes will use something if I'm going to be seeing them.  (We only see them a few times a year, so that is easy for us.)  For example, I have a purse my MIL gave me that I carry when we travel to see them. After several months to a year, most things get donated.  No, I don't have room for them, but I manage.

 

For toys that are clearly inappropriate, I would get rid of them immediately, and not make excuses.  If asked "oh, we passed that gift on to someone who could use it.  DD is reading now so she really doesn't need the phonics bus anymore."     Don't let a child feel she is "missing out" on gifts if someone gives her something inappropriate/unusable.  It is a skill to receive an unwanted gift with grace.  Teacher your kids how to write a thank you note that is as sincere as possible.  "Thank you for the toy. It is cute. Thank you for thinking of me."  "Thank you for the game.  It looks like fun [for someone else]."  We get fruit every year from someone - a fruit no one in our house eats.  My thank you note says "the fruit is beautiful. Thank you for thinking of us."   Then I take the fruit to church and let people take what they wish.

 

I would suggest if  you and your husband want to stop the gift-giving, that your husband be the one to speak to his family.  If he won't, let it go.  If someone gets upset that something was given away, send them to your husband to discuss it.  Don't be the inlaw who is hard to get along with.

 

I wish you were around to write my thank you notes for me! Do you charge for thinking up honest things to say? That's what I struggle with.  I get deer-in-the-headlights caught with what to say in the thank-you notes.

 

[Aspasia]

Your in-laws sound like my mom. Every year she sends my kids a big box of mostly junk for Christmas. As we go through it, I literally have a keep pile and a toss pile. The kids hardly notice, because Christmas mornings filled with lots of new stuff and nobody is keeping inventory. I just set aside as soon as possible.

 

I used to feel really bad about this, but then I realized two things:

 

1) The sad truth is that my mom isn't putting a lot of thought into the purchase of these little knick knacks, so it isn't like I'm tossing her loving, personal thoughts into the Goodwill box.

 

2) My mom derives a lot of pleasure out of giving the kids what she considers "abundance". I tried bringing this up with her a few years ago and she made a comment about how important it is for the kids to have lots of presents to open. For her, it's all about the excitement of opening that giant box and seeing lots of "stuff". So basically, she's getting out of it what she wants, whether we keep the gifts or not. She already had the joy of giving the way she finds joy. Now it's my turn to cull the collection and keep my house uncluttered.

 

She never even remembers the things she sends, so it's not like she notices if they aren't around.

[prairiewindmomma]

We also have this issue.

 

We are gracious in receiving whatever it is they want to give, and then we are free to do with what we receive as we wish. Usually it's one sweep to trash (expired food) or Goodwill.

 

Some family is finally "getting" it, but the hurt feelings that happened along the way are regretted by me. I wish I could've realized then that it was their joy in giving that was more important to protect than my kid's desire for appropriate gifts.

[Meadowlark]

We make Amazon gift lists for the kids! I got so tired of having to explain to my MIL what the gift was, where to get it, etc. The gift list has been the best thing for us!

Just wondering...does amazon actually delete boughten gifts to avoid duplicates? Now, if I could just get my inlaws on the technology bandwagon!

[poppy]

Perhaps I'm alone in this, but it would never occur to me to try to change the situation.  They give what they want to give. If they ask for a suggestion, I'll give it. Otherwise, graciously receive, then do with as I wish (including donate).  
I don't judge people who get upset by this but it's just really, really not a big deal to me.

[lavender's green]

I think it's a great opportunity to teach your kids to be gracious no matter what.  My grandma had 9 daughters and a slew of granddaughers, so every single holiday or birthday (throughout the calendar year), everyone got the exact. same. thing.  9 times out of ten it wasn't your cup of tea and was pretty much unusuable (like me getting a granny-style sweater three sizes too big when I was 15), and while it would have been nice to have her pay individual attention to us, it's a gift.  It taught me to be gracious, and accepting of people who are different than me and just trying their best.

 

Also, I find that people, even the ones who are really super-thoughtful about it, don't really remember the gifts they give, so after an obligatory "in case they come over" period you can get rid of it.  I can't tell you how many times someone has commented on a toy and asked where it came from and I said, "Erm...you!  A year ago!"

 

And I agree that toys these days are just so overwhelming!  I get sensory overload from going down the toy aisles, and I have kids that age and know their tastes and development levels!  I can see someone who hasn't had small children for decades just blanking out and saying, "Well, I have to get something, and that thing looks cute, so I'll just get that and hope for the best."

[Indian summer]

Similar issues here, from Barbie dressed like a hooker to toys with lead paint to clothes 4 sizes too small. How do I deal with it? I say thank you and expect the kids to say thank you and quietly donate or trash them. My kids are spoiled enough by the rest of us, they don't need more stuff.

 

When my kids were little, I coached them...

 

What happens if you get a present you don't like? We say thank you.

What happens if you get a present you already have? We say thank you.

What happens if someone doesn't give a present? We say I'm glad you're here. Thank you for coming to spend time with me today.

[abba12]

Just for the record, I am gracious with what's received, we smile and I find the positives in an item and say them aloud to DD, encouraging her to see them and get excited too, and look for the positives herself. My children are absolutely not allowed to complain about a gift in front of anyone but their daddy and I and they are learning to be gracious and appreciative too. I know some people wouldn't let their kids complain at all, but there's more to the situation than just silly presents, there's issues with favoritism and other deeper things, so I don't tell her off for complaining privately and politely about genuinely 'bad' gifts. I was extremely proud of how DD1 handled herself at christmas, smiling and admiring her sisters gifts, and appreciating her couple with excitement, then left the room to go to the spare room crying, but not in front of anyone. I'm angry she was made to feel that way but very impressed that a 3yo had picked up social cues and my guiding well enough to smile and then be upset in private with only mummy knowing anything was wrong.

 

Like I said, I hate wishlists and I don't really want my kids making them, I find them rude etc too. I thought they might be appropriate for in laws because, while we haven't been asked for one, the aunts and uncles give them to us and others (youngest uncle is only 13, the youngest 5 kids still live at home) and my husband, who also hates them, insists they were a normal part of christmas and birthdays for him growing up. I think I'll let him talk to them and bring it up as a suggestion/offer or something :)

 

It sounds like my issue is a lot less unique than I thought! I didn't have much extended family growing up, those we had were very close, so while I didn't love every gift, I rarely got anything truly inappropriate or unwanted.  I hadn't realized it seems to be fairly normal! It's still so weird to me, it's just something I've never experienced, but at least we aren't the only ones. 

[zoobie]

They play favorites among your children? To the point where a three year old notices? Whoa! That's different and worthy of a discussion, and I imagine goes deeper than crappy gifts.

 

Crappy gifts for all is a different scenario than crappy gifts for one. (Of course there are always misses, but that's not what you're dealing with.)