lavender's green Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Thanksgiving family dynamics venting ahead... Would it bug you if your mother (or MIL, but in this case it's my mother) called your toddler a "little sh!t"? Not even when he was being naughty, but over completely normal stuff - in this case he accidentally hung up on her; he doesn't fully understand how to use the phone, and she had asked to speak with him knowing this. A couple months ago it happened when she couldn't see where he was, and then again when he took a normal amount of time coming down the stairs. It bugs me. Actually, it makes my stomach clench. In my mind you don't ever call a child that, and especially not my child. My mom doesn't get it. But then again our relationship is already hanging on by a thread and maybe I'm overreacting. When it happened a couple months ago I was too surprised to say anything. When it happened today I firmly told her not to call him that and she acted all surprised. She said it's the same as calling him a little precious. I dunno, to me precious isn't the same as feces... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It depends on the tone and how it's been traditionally used in the family. In my family, "little sh!t" was often used the way people would say "lil stinker," affectionately acknowledging that the child has a mind of his own. My mom also affectionately calls babies "little poopy face," no idea where that came from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 My mom only says it in an irritated tone, when (in her mind) he's done something naughty. When we were growing up she only said it in anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It would depend: - How profane is the general vocabulary she uses? Is this the equivalent to 'a bit of a twerp' or the equivalent of 'a useless excuse for a human'? It sounds like it has a fairly mild meaning in her context, so that effects my reacton (a change in language required to an appropriate expression, not a grandma who actually hates him and says so.) - Did she say it to him (name calling, confronting the child) or to you (descriptively, or confrontation ally)? - Has she said it again after you made your offense-taken clear? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It would not automatically bother me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 Nowadays I guess she's generally pretty profane. She hasn't always been like that, though. She says it to both of us. I'm probably letting it bug me more than it should be because of pre-existing family dynamics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyP Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I have extended family that would say something like that in a light-hearted, "little stinker" way. That wouldn't bother me. If it was said in anger - yes, it would bug me. If it was said after I asked someone to stop (no matter the tone) - I would be very bothered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Even if she means it as "little stinker" or "little precious" -- you don't have to tolerate her saying it. It's an expression that offends you, and she is perfectly capable of adjusting to your limits around your son. The best response would have been, "If you mean 'little precious' then just say that instead. It matters to me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I have a relative who would use that as a term of endearment, not meant to be offensive. I still wouldn't like it though. I didn't grow up with profanity/vulgarity as a normal part of the vocabulary so the current casual use of such still annoys me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Depending on tone etc not necessarily. We have been known to say that or "why you little brat", It is said in a light hearted tone. Heck I have called the teens at work little brats at times when they get to joking around etc. Now if said in a hostile tone in a way to make the child feel badly then yes I would have a problem with it. I would have a problem with it if the child was called a little sweetheart in that hostile tone too, so it is not the words that would offend me but the way they are said kwim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Perhaps suggest an alternative? My sister uses "pooker buttkin." I wouldn't like hearing "little shit" just because I don't like it at this stage of my life. Like I don't like "OMG" and "hairy eyeball" and a few other things that people say without meaning offense. If I was hearing these a lot from people I spend time with, I'd say it isn't my favorite expression and suggest something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I wonder if she says it almost as a deflection - like being embarrassed or taking it personally (perhaps realizing she shouldn't, but not knowing how NOT to) when she expects one thing and he delivers something more age-appropriate. Like it's totally about her, and how he makes her look. Maybe even how he makes her look TO YOU, given the history there. It wouldn't really bother me unless said in a certain tone. But it's not wrong that it bothers you, and you're totally justified in saying something. I normally prefer to let certain dogs lie or lay or whatever it is they do, but this is a dog I'd prep for a fight. I like the words bolt. offered because they seem firm but respectful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It would bother me big time but I'm not used to being around that kind of language even casually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I might sever any relationship that was already hanging by as thread as and some said that to/about my kid. Unacceptable in my home. And believe me, I am not a person who normally takes offense where none was meant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 In my family, I probably wouldn't even notice it, though it'd be more likely to be "You little sonofab****!" But, like SKL, it's said just like "little stinker" would be. If *anyone* were to turn around and say such things with a truly angry tone, I'd probably knock their sh*!!y little head off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Unless she meant it lovingly, as in "little stinker," it would be a declaration of war to me. But right now I am furiously mad over my own holiday family dynamics, so maybe I just need to count to ten and read your question again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It wouldn't necessarily automatically bother me, because of some of the same things others have said, but it's irrelevant. It bothers YOU, and so you have the right not to have your stomach clench when your mother speaks about your child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Yes, because my mother never says that and it would be shocking and NOT endearing. My dad has some odd endearments like "fart blossom" and "booger butt" which don't bother me because I'm used to them, and they're not ever said in disgust. I have a, er, colorful vocabulary, and "little sh!t" is for an animal who is naughty and rarely that. I can't imagine using it for a grandbaby! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Probably you already figured this out, but not only is that not appropriate AT ALL, but it sounds like a relationship I'd cut off almost completely. Your budget is too low for phone calls, something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Yes, because my mother never says that and it would be shocking and NOT endearing. My dad has some odd endearments like "fart blossom" and "booger butt" which don't bother me because I'm used to them, and they're not ever said in disgust. I have a, er, colorful vocabulary, and "little sh!t" is for an animal who is naughty and rarely that. I can't imagine using it for a grandbaby! My dad says "fart blossom". What is that? I wonder if it's a generational thing, or if you and I are sisters? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It isn't abnormal or offensive in my family, lol. If it bothers you, then you should defintely tell them to STOP (and firmly). My family just happens to have a potty mouth and, sincerely, calling a boy child a "little sh*t" is a term of endearment - meant to mean "he's a handful! All boy!" and usually goes hand in hand with a fond pat on the head, lol. Tone is everything. If one of my family members said it while angry, or in a threatening tone, I would put a stop to it immediately and probably not allow my kiddo anywhere near them again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 It's all about tone, but even so, that's a rude term to use even if you mean "lil stinker". Yes, that would bother me. For starters, I don't want anyone cussing around my kids. It's just a matter of time before he uses the term back at her. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 My mother has always used that phrase. I can't stand it. At this point in life, if I heard her say it, I would let her know that it bothered me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Totally bother me. I severly frown on cuss words, even in joking. The phrase "shut up" is not allowed in my house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I would be very offended and would have have handled it like you did. I don't think you are out of line at all. You shouldn't call anyone a little $h!t, let alone your small grandchild. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It's just a matter of time before he uses the term back at her. Though, by then, he will probably intelligently modify the term to recognize how the two of them differ in size! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 My mom only says it in an irritated tone, when (in her mind) he's done something naughty. When we were growing up she only said it in anger. Yes, this would upset me greatly. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Heck yes. I'd say something. No cussing around my kids....especially calling my kid a cuss word! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 She is teaching him that language like that is acceptable, as is name-calling. Her words are demeaning. In my house her language and behaviour would not be tolerated. I would have a frank discussion with her and would expect it to not happen again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I would be very angry, and I would say something. It's unacceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It would bother me a lot, and her comparing it to precious blows my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I'd be mad the first time - but you're talking at least twice? I'd be livid. she wouldn't be seeing him in the future until she had proven she would speak to him more respectfully as well as instill in me trust she would treat him respectfully. eta:my mom used to call me a "pill". "affectionately". even as a child, it didn't feel affectionate to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Um, yes. This would bother me a LOT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It would definitely bother me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenniferB Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I read your post and I wonder if this website might apply and help you in your situation. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com That would more than bug me the way you describe it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Yes, it would bother me immensely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It would bother me big time but I'm not used to being around that kind of language even casually. :iagree: I'm the same way. You might hear profanity once a year around here. I certainly wouldn't want my kids hearing it and picking up on it...meaning either using it themselves because they heard it or internalizing a negative message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It would bother me extremely. I cannot stand people using profanity directed towards young children. If someone called my child that I would chew them out. I once flipped out at my MIL for calling my toddler a little bugger. In Australia calling someone a little bugger is basically saying they are a child sodomite. Apparently in the country my MIL lives in it doesn't have this meaning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It would automatically bother me. And I wouldn't care how "sweetly" it was said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. As for other factors - well, I'd say the family was "functionally dysfunctional" for a lot of my childhood, got a lot worse in my teens, and nowadays it's quite obviously a train wreck to anyone passingly familiar with the family. I suspect that she and Dad are alcoholics. I don't know if it's a cause or result of all the dysfunction, though. She's always had pretty poor boundaries, too. As for personality disorders: my sister almost certainly has one. I suspect that my dad might have something. Also my maternal grandmother. I don't know about Mom.... I've been doing SO much reading and thinking about family dynamics lately! I want to raise my kids well. I don't really want to cut her off. She's the only person in the family I ever speak to. I don't want to let go of that. And she lives 800 miles away, so she's not having an everyday influence on my kids. You know, I just realized that they probably spent a lot of Thanksgiving with the extended family saying horrible things about me for asking her not to call my son that! That's how it goes every time... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 It depends on the tone and how it's been traditionally used in the family. In my family, "little sh!t" was often used the way people would say "lil stinker," affectionately acknowledging that the child has a mind of his own. My mom also affectionately calls babies "little poopy face," no idea where that came from. I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Coincidentally, my mom just today affectionately called my kid a little shithead. ;) Not in her presence, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 It would bother me extremely. I cannot stand people using profanity directed towards young children. If someone called my child that I would chew them out. I once flipped out at my MIL for calling my toddler a little bugger. In Australia calling someone a little bugger is basically saying they are a child sodomite. Apparently in the country my MIL lives in it doesn't have this meaning. I've heard of that particular miscommunication before too! Around here it mostly means "someone who 'bugs' -- is irritating" By the way, keep an ear out for "fanny" -- also a particularly bad difference in semantic range. And "pants" -- but everyone know pants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 So wrong. :thumbdown: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Yes. Only I am able to call my children little shits. And only when they're being legitimately bad. lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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