How important is it to you that family travel to your dc's birthday parties?

[SJ.]

I am curious how important it is to you that family for your dc's birthday. 

 

My BIL's family lives 90 minutes away.  They always have birthday parties in the evenings.  This means that if we attend we are getting home no earlier (and sometimes later) than 10 pm with a long drive with over tired yet over excited children.  The last party was on a Wednesday so we could not attend due to scheduling.  This next one is tonight.  I RSVP'd yes but we recently had snow and I am concerned about the road conditions.  I admit I may be more conservative than some about road conditions because I am nervous driving on highways and I have a difficult time seeing at night when I drive.  When dh is home to drive I have less of a problem going because he drives.  By the time I am finished driving long stretches on the highway inwardly I am an anxious wreck, even more so if it is in the dark.

I am very torn over this, on one hand I feel we should go the extra mile because it is family, on the other hand I am uncomfortable with the long drive in the dark with potentially icy spots on the road.  I definitely do not want to upset my ILs or to seem like I do not care about their children's special events.  We've barely seen each other this year but we will see each other next week for Thanksgiving.

 

My boys' last few parties have been friend parties so this has not been an issue on the other side.  I personally would not be offended if they could not come to an event due to whatever reason.

 

How do you feel about this in your family?  Is it very important to you that family travels to attend your children's birthday parties?

[mytwomonkeys]

No big deal. We don't invite them. They just send money in a card & call on their birthday.

[AmandaVT]

I'm in the no big deal camp. Most of my family is 5 hrs away and I don't expect them to drive up for our son's birthday. They always call though and we do a mini celebration next time we see them.

[GreenKitty]

I don't place that much importance on birthdays. I don't feel bad about not going to someone else's party. We don't invite anyone, my kids may invite a friend or two over. Normally cards are sent and we see family at other times throughout the year.

[Freckles]

I can not see very well at night. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Ice, darkness, freeways, and anxiety are not something I mess around with. Sorry!

[Chris in VA]

My fam are all too far away. The only reason my parents come to mine in January and my hubby's and dd's in April are because they coincide with my parents' trip down to FL and back up to New England (they are snowbirds, spending 3.5 months in FL). 

 

I don't care. 

 

Since you are seeing that family next week, just tell them you can't make it (eye problems seeing at night) but will have the gift next week at TG.

[SKL]

Don't care.  It isn't our love language.  ;)

 

My parents send a gift with my sister, who comes to my house about once a week.  (Not on the birthday, unless it's a coincidence.)

 

I did have a formal party when each of my kids turned 1, and they came to those.

[I talk to the trees]

Potentially dangerous road conditions, and over-tired children afterward? I wouldn't attend. But we have lived 12 hours from family since dd was 9 months old. My parents, though, ALWAYS drove up to spend the week of dd's birthday with us.

[Trish]

The ones who are in town (i.e. no more than half an hour drive) we invite. If they come, great. If not, no big deal. If it's the type of relative who gives a present, they receive it one way or another.

[Dmmetler]

We have been together with my parents on DD's actual birthday since she turned 1, but DD's party (once she started having them) is usually about a week before her birthday-by being born on Thanksgiving, she pretty much assured none of her friends would be available on her birthday because they're with family, too.

[MysteryJen]

We don't really celebrate birthdays outside our immediate family. Sometimes we might go out to eat, or order a pizza, but birthdays are pretty low key here. For my extended family, I might make a call or send a card. I guess we are not really party people.

 

We defaulted to this after one too may kid's birthday parties when our oldest was a baby. After one party, dh got in the car and swore that he would never attend a child's party again. He has managed to keep that rule pretty well. :laugh:

[TechWife]

We don't invite our family, simply because they live so far away. My sister in law did come to ds' 1st and my parents came for his 6th. 

[Goldilocks]

The ones who are in town (i.e. no more than half an hour drive) we invite. If they come, great. If not, no big deal. If it's the type of relative who gives a present, they receive it one way or another.

 

I agree. 30 - 45 minutes is the farthest anyone should be expected to travel for a child's birthday party.

[LostSurprise]

I have no expectations. We live 2.5-3 hours apart. Only FIL/MIL visit anyway. Everyone else considers us too far away and can't be bothered. 

 

The only time it bothered me was when my 3rd son had his first birthday party (we do family parties for that). We combined it with his brother's 5th birthday and we had it within 20 minutes of both families (in-laws hosted that time because my parents did the first 2). My sister did not come, even though I sent out invitations early and she wasn't doing anything. She sent a gift for only the younger child with my mother. I was hurt for that one because we make special trips (3 hours) for all of her birthday parties and she couldn't even be bothered to tell me she wasn't coming (and the gift thing...a 5 year old notices when he doesn't get a gift but she brought one over for him when we went to my parents afterward). 

 

I got over it. I had to admit to myself that I had greater expectations for her because she is my sister and a mother herself. My brothers don't have to come to anything. They just have to be pleasant. 

[MomtoCandJ]

We invite them but most live at least an hour away so if they don't make it, we understand. What timing though for this poll as dd's birthday party is next Saturday.

[Alice]

I wouldn’t expect someone that far away to come. My in-laws all live very close and I don’t expect them. We invite them but always with the understanding that they might have something else going on and that’s fine. My parents always come but I’m an only child and the only grand-kids are big deals. :) My Mom would be much more upset about missing a birthday than we would be about her missing one. 

[Julie Smith]

My brother and his family live near my parents. My parents go to tho birthday parties. We live 90 minutes away (at no traffic good driving conditions)

 

For our birthdays my mom picks a good weekend and hosts something at her house.

 

It works out well for everyone.

[T'smom]

We only invite family, so do expect them to come! However, I wouldn't have it in the evening if people have t drive that far. We plan parties around family's schedules.

[Ellie]

If they lived that close, I'd invite them, but I would NOT expect them to come. And if I really wanted them to come, I would plan the party on a Saturday, for crying out loud.

 

Sorry. I got carried away.

 

If they lived that close, I'd invite them, but only as a courtesy because I loved them and I'd want them to know, but I would not expect them to come, not for a child's birthday party. Thanksgiving, Christmas, yes; children's birthday parties, no.

[lavender's green]

We live a two day drive from family, so we never expect (or have) relatives over for birthdays.  And because my kid's birthdays both happen to be just after big holiday travel weekends, we've often just visited them or they've just been here.  So the birthday gets missed, no big deal, and they're not old enough to care anyway!

 

However, when I was growing up, it was a BIG DEAL to miss a birthday.  One of my aunts had a problem with my folks once, and she and her family didn't show up to a birthday (can't remember if it was mine or my sister's - that's how much kids care in the long run!), and she and my mom didn't speak for ages.  But they only lived 5 minutes away, and they were already having a disagreement, so it's not the same as the OP's case.

[Ripley]

I like family to be there but I don't take it personally if they don't make it.

 

I'm guessing it's no family secret that you tend to be more cautious about driving at night, so if you were my relative I'd shrug it off as you being you - I wouldn't take offense or read too much into you skipping out at the last minute.

 

My sister lives on a mountain. In another state. Some years the snow is bad enough that she is afraid to trek down the mountain with her kids in tow - even though I flew thousands of miles to see them all LOL - it is what it is, nobody should hold it against someone that makes a call based on safety. If you flaked out frequently or often enough for little reasons ... well, that's something different. It doesn't sound like that's the case here and now, though.  Stay home, see them next week for Thanksgiving and bring some extra birthday cheer for the celebrant. :)

[Cinder]

Don't care, don't invite. Though actually we've never lived close enough to either side of the family. For me, 90 mins is just a tad too far for a weeknight b-day party. If it was a Sat afternoon I'd probably go. Sat dinner, maybe. I'd be more willing to drive if it was a birthday that was considered a big deal in the family. For example, where I grew up first b-days were a huge deal. For other families it might be the 15th or whatever. But a 90 min drive one way for a "regular" b-day party? I probably wouldn't go.

[MooCow]

Well, we live in the south, and they live out west, no never. I didn't vote, there was no option that fit,

[RoughCollie]

I would have invited our families to our kids' birthday parties, but everyone has always lived too far away.  If they lived nearby, I'd invite them for sure.  I would not expect anyone to show up if the roads were potentially unsafe.  I'm always in better safe than sorry mode when the consequences of an iffy decision are highly undesireable.

[JudoMom]

I wouldn't go tonight.  The weather guy was just saying that he expects flash freezing on the roads.  We have to go out tonight (just around town), and I'm nervous enough about that.  I can't imagine a 90 minute scenario anywhere in the state where I'd feel safe.
 

[Seasider]

Somewhere between answer 3 and 4. Honestly, we often prefer to not have family, it creates a logistics nightmare. Also, we are a low-key birthday nuclear family, but some of the extended family make big deals out if every birthday. Best way for us to not have the inequity rubbed in is to keep things small and close.

[Catwoman]

SJ, I hope you stayed home tonight, but if you did take that drive, I hope you had a safe trip and a fun party! :)

[Wheres Toto]

I wouldn't travel 90 minutes for a party that I would have to drive home late at night.  Three hours is too long for a same day round trip.

 

My family is all local (except my brother who is in Florida but doesn't have kids anyway).  Dh's lives in South Jersey, so about 2 to 3 hours away (depending on traffic).  Whenever we have attended parties down there, we stay at MIL's house or the house of the hosting family (depending on how much space they have).  I would not go down to attend a party and return home the same day. 

[Farrar]

Parties are for friends usually.  When my boys were babies, we had parties, but those parties were for me.  They were, "you survived a year of twins" parties.  And some family did come from out of town.  Now...  meh.  They're welcome to travel, but I certainly wouldn't expect it.  The couple of families we know with family nearby do a family birthday thing and a friend birthday thing instead of one big thing.

[ksr5377]

Our family all travels for our birthday parties and I would be a little upset if someone didn't come.  HOWEVER, I never have the parties on a weeknight.  I have asked everyone invited about what times/days work best and everyone has agreed they prefer lunchtime on Saturday.  It usually turns in to an all day event and I always plan on having enough food to feed everyone for two meals.  I mean, they drove 2 hours to come here, it's the least we can do. 

[MomtoCandJ]

Oh and dd's party is 2-4pm for her friends, family is welcome to come earlier and stay later. I know dmil is coming early to help me decorate because dh may have to work that day. They are busy but also 3 days behind due to power outage

[Catwoman]

So SJ.... did you go?

[texasmama]

My kids have friend parties (small ones, like two friends over).  I do not invite grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  I do not expect them to be there.  I invite a cousin of similar age to my boys to the parties at the boys' requests.  We are not invited to relatives' parties.  When they were little, we invited family.  It was different.  Our family was different.  In the past ten years, many of my family members have passed away, an estrangement with MIL has occurred and my dad's health has declined.  No one has the expectation that family will share the kids' birthdays.

 

With the scenario you give, I would not attend.  I would beg off due to weather concerns and send a gift or a gift card, whatever seems appropriate.

[Excelsior! Academy]

We have several children's birthdays the same days as their cousins.  Everyone always goes to the cousins.  It frees us up to do our own thing.  I voted not invite, not because we don't want them, just because they won't come due to celebrating with someone else, somewhere else.

[Heather in Neverland]

Now that I live on the other side of the world from my family and only get to see them every two years, I would happily drive 90 minutes for a chance to see them. It's all about perspective.

[Mommy22alyns]

We don't do birthday parties, but if we did, I wouldn't expect family to travel for them.

[Loowit]

We invited them, but don't expect them to come.  We get invited and we are expected to make a big effort to go.  I wouldn't go in bad weather or late on a school night.  My SIL is having a party for her step-son that we barely know next month and she really wants us to be there.  It is important to her for some reason, so we are putting in an effort to make it even though it really isn't convenient for us.  It is about 3 hours away, depending on traffic.  However, if the weather were to turn bad we would have to cancel.

[Mommyof4ks]

We would like them to come, and we try to go to family parties, because we want to prompt the importance of family to our kids. If they could not come it would not be a big deal though. It would be nice if they came at some point to say happy birthday and spent time with the birthday child, but I have learned not to expect anything like that. We stay out late for lesser things so, time would not be an issue for us, but driving conditions are a big deal IMO. We prepared to stay an hour away for an event we attended last night, because there was a possibility of ice forming on roads.

[Amy in NH]

A few times per year we travel to parties or get-togethers at the homes of close friends and family.  They all live 2ish hours away.  Even when the event is not in the evening we frequently don't get home until 11pm or midnight.  We don't get to see them often because we live so far apart, so we try to maximize the time we do have together and don't leave until close to the kids' bedtime.  The long car ride that late helps our kids calm down and relax, and they are frequently all sleeping by the time we get home.

[Laurie4b]

I said that we don't invite them because they live several hours away. If we had relatives who lived in town, we would welcome them coming and would probably expect them to come most times. If we had relatives for whom it was a drive of 1 hour or more, it would be up to them, but they would be welcomed.

[Laurie4b]

I said that we don't invite them because they live several hours away. If we had relatives who lived in town, we would welcome them coming and would probably expect them to come most times. If we had relatives for whom it was a drive of 1 hour or more, it would be up to them, but they would be welcomed.

 

In OP's situation, I'd mention that I have trouble seeing at night and with poor road conditions in addition, that I don't feel safe driving. Add that you'll look forward to seeing them on Thanksgiving and will bring the presents then. If they don't understand, that's on them.