Tell me what's normal behavior for your teen

[fairfarmhand]

Okay.. As I posted before my 15 yo dd has some issues and can be really hard to deal with. I thought I'd make a poll to find out whether she's just normal (I did not have a normal family, so I don't have a clue what falls within the range of normal) or if she has some issues that I need to probe more deeply into.

 

So to get some perspective, I'm asking about your teen's meltdowns. (Before I had kids, I never expected that teens could have meltdowns. I thought it only happened on TV, because I don't remember this ever happening in my family of origin.)

[mom2bee]

Never happened in my family either. My parents have raised 10+ kids and never has a door been slammed, a voice raised or an argument held OUT OF ANGER by any one over the age of 3. Ever. It simply isn't allowed or tolerated. Period.

[Night Elf]

I had lots of arguments with my mom when i was a teen. We screamed at one another and I slammed my bedroom door. It was usually about me wanting to go somewhere with my friends and her saying no.

 

I can remember one argument with my oldest dd that involved screaming and a door slam, but none other than that. The younger two have never had a screaming fit as teens. We do have discussions to hash out some things, but they never slip into arguments.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Never happened in my family either. My parents have raised 10+ kids and never has a door been slammed, a voice raised or an argument held OUT OF ANGER by any one over the age of 3. Ever. It simply isn't allowed or tolerated. Period.

What's their secret?

[luvnlattes]

I'm guessing that you mean a meltdown after some type of disagreement so that's how I answered the poll. 

 

I have 2 teens, both boys. I have one who is much more "volatile" than the other but when he gets upset with me it consists of arguing which can turn into pouting for a period of time. The arguing would rarely last more than 5 minutes but the pouting portion can last a couple of hours, which is usually acting sullen either around the house or in his room. My oldest, will argue some, but it doesn't usually last long. These situations happen after being told no, they can't go somewhere or do something, which really doesn't happen all that often. I can't think of any other situations that would bring on a "meltdown."

[fairfarmhand]

What's their secret?

 

really. I have no clue how to do this. I was a good kid and I was terrified of my parents. (long, sad story there) I've tried to be compassionate, firm and kind, but unless I am giving my dd her own way, she will react with anger and an overabundance of emotion.

 

The whole "it is simply not tolerated." I don't get that. I mean even as a small child, this dd has been so extremely volatile.  After you've dished out consequences and taken everything there is to take away and the behavior is still unchanged...then what?

[Lizzie in Ma]

Never happened in my family either. My parents have raised 10+ kids and never has a door been slammed, a voice raised or an argument held OUT OF ANGER by any one over the age of 3. Ever. It simply isn't allowed or tolerated. Period.

 

In my family, growing, plain and simple it was fear based parenting.  I don't recommend it.  We were terrified of my father's wrath and temper.  He has mellowed with age and I love him dearly but it wasn't easy growing up.

 

My teen isn't normal.  She has been sick for a long time with neuro-Lyme.  She has anxiety issues, depression and cutting tendencies.  So when she melts down, it's legitimate, generally.  And it's fairly frequent I guess, a few times a month.

It's the worst pre-period and she knows it so we try to keep things on an even keel that week as best we are able.

She and I have always butted heads and I don't always respond as well as I'd like, she really knows what buttons to push.

That having been said, we have a pretty great relationship.

 

Almost 13 is pretty even tempered but she feels things very deeply.  When she can't cope she needs serious alone time with video games or movies but she is really good about anticipating her moods and regulating herself accordingly.  When she melts down it is fast and miserable but not often.  She has always been very loving and not at all argumentative, she may grumble at having to do things but she will do them.

[teachermom2834]

I answered for my 13yo ds because he does have an occasional meltdown. My 15yo does not have meltdowns. Perhaps he will respond to me in a less than respectful way once or twice a month.

 

So far I think I'm lucky. I expect more of this with my next ds who is not yet a teen.

[Cinder]

I answered once a month, door slamming, 10-20 minutes. My answers are based on my older ds who was more emotional than my younger. Ds1 was more prone to taking things the wrong way. He'd hear general comments as personal criticisms and was generally more resistant to correction. His sense of humor wasn't well developed and he really could not laugh at himself. Any mistakes on his part that caused people to laugh--because it was a normal mistake that most people could relate to--made him feel like people were making fun of him. He'd have a "meltdown" about once a month which involved storming off in a huff to his room and slamming the door, sulking there for 15 mins or so. Actually the door slamming only happened a handful of times.

 

Sometime when he was 16yo he became a different person, much easier to get along with. He could laugh at himself and handle correction better. He rarely has meltdowns now.

 

Ds2 is more easygoing and rarely has meltdowns. When he does he just appears downcast and goes to his room for a bit. No slamming, yelling or any of that. But he has always been my happy child.

[DianeW88]

Wow, my teens never had meltdowns.  I've raised two to adult age, and my youngest is 12, but he's never done anything like that either.  Tantrums stopped by about age 4 here.

 

I honestly don't know what I would do with a teen who acted that way.  Has she been evaluated for any underlying disorders?

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

If you read the research on teens and tantrums, yes some teens have tantrums and meltdowns. It is not outside the realm of normal.  Usually the meltdowns get less and less as they get older.

 

If your teen is still having as many meltdowns as when they were younger I'd be concerned, if there is gradual improvement as they get older I'd be less concerned.

 

 

My 13 year old has meltdowns still, my 10 year old almost never does.  I expect my 13 year old will still be having occasional meltdowns at 16...but it is progressively improving as he gets older and more mature so I am not overly concerned about it.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

  Has she been evaluated for any underlying disorders?

 

No. And that is why I am asking the questions. I'm beginning to wonder if this is just not a phase, but rather something is off somewhere.

[Ellie]

One of my daughters had *two* meltdowns, when she was 12. The first time, there was much screaming, such that a neighbor called the police. :blink:  The second time, I put my finger in her face and told her not to do it again, because if she did I would call her father and he would come home and beat her. :lol:  That was the end of that.

 

Actually, that's not true: she had a meltdown when she was 6, which is how I came to homeschool. Poor thing was totally burned out from school. So I guess she had three altogether, but only two as a teen. Well, almost a teen.

 

My other daughter never had anything like a meltdown.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

No. And that is why I am asking the questions. I'm beginning to wonder if this is just not a phase, but rather something is off somewhere.

 

If you have concerns, it is a good idea to get them checked out.  It can't hurt, and if something else is going on the sooner you find out the sooner you can figure out how to help.

[Joanne]

Wow, my teens never had meltdowns.  I've raised two to adult age, and my youngest is 12, but he's never done anything like that either.  Tantrums stopped by about age 4 here.

 

I honestly don't know what I would do with a teen who acted that way.  Has she been evaluated for any underlying disorders?

 

I answered seldom/never until I read the rest of the poll and had to change it.

 

My teens once in a while argue and 2 of the 3 have slammed doors (they come by both of those honestly).

 

I would not describe those moments as "meltdowns" but in terms of frequency and intensity, I would describe them as normal and expected.

[Joker]

My teen doesn't have meltdowns, but she does get an attitude a few times a month (usually after a sleepover when she's running on little sleep). She doesn't yell or slam any doors, though.

[DawnM]

I have two teens.

 

The only one who has had temper, attitude, or any kind of meltdown in my oldest who also has Asperger's and a few other neuro issues. The other teen does not.

 

There is only so much you can control when you have a non neuro typical child, but I am working on MY responses because honestly he can make me madder than any human ever can.

 

Dawn

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I just did google searches on "research on teen tantrums"  and also "teenage tantrums and meltdowns".

 

All sorts of useful information on what is normal, how to deal with it, and when it is a product of other problems such as autism or mental illness.

 

Those searches might give you an idea of whether you need to seek out further evaluation or not.

[Miss Marple]

I guess, for me, I would need a definition of "meltdown".  I think once, one of my boys closed his bedroom door a little more forcefully than needed.  He lost his door for a few weeks...I don't allow my children to damage my home.

 

All went through a little puberty-angst where they were a little more emotional, wore the "victim" hat a little more often than necessary, and needed a little more tenderness and compassion on my part.  Yelling...golly, I can only remember vaguely a few "rants" but they were not directed at anyone in particular nor did they last very long.  Foul temper is not tolerated - however, I often told them that we would all be happier if they spent some time alone...somewhere...in the woods, fishing at the pond, in their bedroom...whatever.  And they usually returned happier than before.

 

Temper tantrums were not allowed as children so maybe that helped them realize that they wouldn't be allowed as teens.  Disrespect for parents, siblings, others, or property was simply not tolerated - ever.  Maybe I just had easy boys :)

[LeslieAnneLevine]

You might want to check out the book The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, by Ross Greene.

 

It really doesn't matter that some/many people's teens aren't like this. Good for them, but it doesn't change how your child is or help you know how to deal with it. Taking everything away and doling out harsh consequences doesn't fix it. 

 

eta: Despite the title of the book, it's just as much for parents of teens as for parents of younger children, if not more so.

[elegantlion]

Seldom, other, and less than 5 minutes. Ds is the most mellow kid I've ever seen. He only has issues when is woken up too early or is hungry - and I think that's human, not teen related. 

 

We've always done a lot of talking through things. I've always allowed him to speak his mind without consequence for his thoughts - if that makes sense. 

 

He's bent a lot like me and gets agitated if he has too much to do in a short period of time. I see that and we compensate. We also discuss conflict management and how if he loses his temper in an "argument" he loses first. 

 

He's also seen poor behavior modeled in me & dh, not necessarily with each other, but simply losing our cool. He's also allowed to blow off steam and vent. 

 

I can think of once this year that we got into it about something -probably food related. He stormed out of the room, I gave him a few minutes then we discussed it. I'm also too tired to fight with anyone. I seldom raise my voice, I don't engage in heated discussions - it's just not worth the energy it takes from me. 

 

My mom and my sister clashed horribly. Their personalities are a bad fit - my mom and I fought when I was a teen - mostly over me wanting to do stuff she didn't want me to - like staying out later. 

[Laura Corin]

I see arguing as being developmentally appropriate, rather than a 'melt down'.  The teenager is creating his own thoughts and attitudes; these will not be identical to those of his parents, and arguments will happen.  

 

L

[fairfarmhand]

I see arguing as being developmentally appropriate, rather than a 'melt down'.  The teenager is creating his own thoughts and attitudes; these will not be identical to those of his parents, and arguments will happen.  

 

L

 

of course...but with this dd, she has no concept, despite years of instruction, of how to phrase things respectfully, without denigrating into namecalling or rudeness. The arguments I am referring too are not heated discussions, they are over the top emotional, despite how calm anyone else is being. Additionally, this child seldom takes responsibility, saying that the problems are always someone else's fault.

[Laura Corin]

of course...but with this dd, she has no concept, despite years of instruction, of how to phrase things respectfully, without denigrating into namecalling or rudeness. The arguments I am referring too are not heated discussions, they are over the top emotional, despite how calm anyone else is being. Additionally, this child seldom takes responsibility, saying that the problems are always someone else's fault.

 

Okay.  I was just a bit nonplussed by 'arguing' in the poll.

 

FWIW, my niece had regular meltdowns and was very difficult to live with for several years (swearing at her parents, etc.). She just graduated from university, has had success with a Youtube channel, and is being given good paid internships.

 

She was volatile and was heading in a different direction from her sister and her family.

 

L

[Guest inoubliable]

  The second time, I put my finger in her face and told her not to do it again, because if she did I would call her father and he would come home and beat her. :lol:  That was the end of that.

 

 

 

Whoa.

 

 

 

 

 

None of the behaviors in the poll struck me as "meltdown".  Some kids are more emotional than others, and some parenting styles lend themselves to more volatile exchanges as kids get older and have their own ideas. DS12 has been butting heads with DH more in recent months. Not a concern. He'll be 13 in a month and he's learning that he has his own ideas and he's learning how to express them. Since he's just shy of 13, sometime that means tears. Sometimes it means that he screams something like "I'm done with this conversation!". Not a huge issue. He doesn't do it in public. We ARE his safe place. Our house IS his safe place. 

[DianeW88]

I guess, for me, I would need a definition of "meltdown". 

 

This.  I'm imagining a "meltdown" as raging.  Screaming, yelling, crying, out of control, throwing things, slamming doors, etc.

 

Having an argument or heated discussion where both parties may be raising their voices or getting a bit excited does not equal "meltdown" for me.

 

I think my dd may have slammed a door or two in her early teens, but we called her on it, and she never did it again.  She was more sulky at 12-13 than anything else, although that was also rare, since she has a very sunny personality, and nothing gets her down for too long.

 

So...if the OP's definition of "meltdown" means what I said in my first sentence, then no...my kids have never done that past pre-school age.  If it means disagreeing with your parents and the whining, "But ALL the other kids get to have/do this, why can't I?", then yes...that has happened a few times here.  LOL

 

[jeninok]

Whoa.

 

 

 

 

 

None of the behaviors in the poll struck me as "meltdown".  Some kids are more emotional than others, and some parenting styles lend themselves to more volatile exchanges as kids get older and have their own ideas. DS12 has been butting heads with DH more in recent months. Not a concern. He'll be 13 in a month and he's learning that he has his own ideas and he's learning how to express them. Since he's just shy of 13, sometime that means tears. Sometimes it means that he screams something like "I'm done with this conversation!". Not a huge issue. He doesn't do it in public. We ARE his safe place. Our house IS his safe place. 

Yes...this!

 

 

If meltdowns become violent, or she starts engaging in risk taking behaviors I would seek counseling.  Otherwise it is pretty much in the normal spectrum of teen behavior, neurologically they are very different from adults, as their brains are pruning frontal cortex connections like crazy, and the other less rational parts of the brain are running the show to some degree.

 

The only way to manage over the top emotions at our house is to stay calm and not engage.  I am the adult, and refuse to ride the crazy train.   Sometimes this requires a time out for me, to let things cool off. 

 

 

There was a really great National Geographic article about this not so long ago, called The Teenage Brain I believe.   I occasionally leave it out for DH to remind himself that not only is DS not bad, but what weirdness he does display is totally normal.    

[HRAAB]

I voted seldom/never.  I've raised 3 teenage dds so far.  Two more coming so who knows.  Any meltdown that happened involved them crying in their bedroom.  In fact, I didn't even know about one.  I just asked my 16 yr old and she told me.  We've never had screaming or yelling.  We have disagreements, but I wouldn't even call them arguments.  I don't recall my girls ever yelling, screaming or swearing at me.  Absolutely they've never sworn at me.  And it's not because we don't allow it.  It's just never happened.  I have heard a few doors slammed, but that could have even been me.  

 

I didn't yell or scream at my parents; we had arguments but not yelling/screaming.  My dh is not a yeller at all.  His mom yelled all day long (woke up yelling and was screaming by bedtime) so he never wanted that in his life.  I'd be more apt to yell (raise voice loudly) to get someone's attention; he just speaks softly.  

 

I don't know if we're normal.

 

eta:  any meltdown that did happen was not the result of an argument.  It was probably from being stressed about schoolwork, friends, life in general.

 

eta:  on second thought, after reading through this, I'm changing it to never.  PMS (house full of females) but not this kind of meltdown.

[Hoot]

If DS14 has a "meltdown" it is typically when he is frustrated with something that he perceives as too hard or when I crack down on him for arguing.  The result is usually nothing more than arguing and tears.  He has never ever intentionally slammed a door or yelled at me.  I truly don't think either of those things has ever crossed his mind.  It would just simply not be tolerated here.  Ever. 

 

When he is having a moment and just beyond tears, I send him out of the room to compose himself.  If he is arguing, I tell him so simply stop speaking and compose his thoughts before responding.  There have been times when he has had to physically cover his mouth or hold his tongue to stop talking.  :rolleyes:  We have joked for years that he would make a good politician or attorney for as much as he talks/argues.  Or, if he is talking with a tone, he is asked to repeat it over and over (and over) again until it is said politely.  Sometimes, depending on the situation, I will just stand there and stare or ignore him.  Done in the correct circumstance, it can help him to see for himself that he's acting inappropriately and he can choose to turn it around before I have to say a word.  It also helps me not want to strangle him.   :001_tt2:      

 

This boy is easy compared to me as as teen.  Mercy!  I tended to keep to myself, but when my dad and I would occasionally butt heads, it was ugly. 

 

ETA: After reading through the whole thread, I had to change my answers to reflect the type of "meltdown" that seems to be referred to here.  DS14 has never ever, not even as a toddler, had the type of raging, screaming, yelling, crying, out of control, throwing things, slamming doors meltdowns that seem to be what the OP is referring to.  Our version of major meltdown is from sleep deprivation or frustration and a bit of a teenage 'tude or crying. 

[Luanne]

I know I always kept it all in when I was a teenager.  It was better than being beat by my father.  I would rather have not had to be afraid of my father.  Telling your teenager or child that they are going to be beat by their father is not a good thing (in my opinion).  I have a good relationship with my father now, but it took years to mend all the ill feelings.

[freeindeed]

My dd12 has occasional meltdowns. They don't last long. I just walk away. She goes to her room, calms down, and then comes out to apologize.

[Firefly]

Whoa.

 

 

 

 

 

None of the behaviors in the poll struck me as "meltdown".  Some kids are more emotional than others, and some parenting styles lend themselves to more volatile exchanges as kids get older and have their own ideas. DS12 has been butting heads with DH more in recent months. Not a concern. He'll be 13 in a month and he's learning that he has his own ideas and he's learning how to express them. Since he's just shy of 13, sometime that means tears. Sometimes it means that he screams something like "I'm done with this conversation!". Not a huge issue. He doesn't do it in public. We ARE his safe place. Our house IS his safe place. 

 

Yes to all of this.

 

I wouldn't say they have meltdowns.  My two teens will argue with me, but they are always respectful; they are allowed to disagree with me and speak their minds, as long as they do it respectfully.  And they know that ultimately I have the final say.  Sometimes they get emotional/upset,/frustrated etc,  but like others, I see all of this as normal for this stage of the game.

 

ETA: I wasn't sure how to vote in the poll, so I abstained. :D

[Geo]

Never happened in my family either. My parents have raised 10+ kids and never has a door been slammed, a voice raised or an argument held OUT OF ANGER by any one over the age of 3. Ever. It simply isn't allowed or tolerated. Period.

 

Any learning disabilities or neurological disorders run in your family?

[Tammi K]

Never happened in my family either. My parents have raised 10+ kids and never has a door been slammed, a voice raised or an argument held OUT OF ANGER by any one over the age of 3. Ever.

:iagree:  This. I have 6 kids. Granted, the youngest is only 12, so not yet a 'teen' but we've never had anything close to what I read described in some of these threads. We have disagreements. And, some of the kiddos have been easier to deal with than others. But tantrums were left behind in the toddler years.

 

Like another poster said, it's not because it's not allowed (although I'm sure I would be pretty ticked off if it happened) it just hasn't been the dynamic in our home. Anything of that nature would be considered 'rude' and we generally work hard to stay away from 'rude' behavior because it's important to all of us.

 

[Geo]

really. I have no clue how to do this. I was a good kid and I was terrified of my parents. (long, sad story there) I've tried to be compassionate, firm and kind, but unless I am giving my dd her own way, she will react with anger and an overabundance of emotion.

 

The whole "it is simply not tolerated." I don't get that. I mean even as a small child, this dd has been so extremely volatile.  After you've dished out consequences and taken everything there is to take away and the behavior is still unchanged...then what?

 

Some (or many) families have no experience with inherited neurological disorders, they just can't relate...try not to feel judged, because they are in no position to do so.

[texasmama]

My oldest child is now 18.  The years between 14-16 were hard ones for her and us.  She is neurotypical but just a highly sensitive type.  Feedback given by us was almost always received poorly.  We loved her, set boundaries, expressed how her behavior was impacting others and took her to counseling.  She is now a lovely 18 year old, and our relationship is very good.  She didn't have tantrums, but she was so sensitive that she reacted negatively to any correction, however gently it was given.  Lots of over the top emotional reactions and some door slamming.  We reacted by decreasing our expectations of her, which will likely horrify some people.  Looking back, I am not sure what we could have done differently, though,  or that we should have done differently. I don't regret taking the "kinder, gentler" approach during her angst-filled years.  I am not an authoritarian parent anyway, but I don't see what would have been gained by getting heavy-handed with her.  She was in a bad place inside her head and needed time to mature through that phase.  We gave her a LOT of alone time in her room during that phase, which she wanted.  We invited her to be a part of our family activities but did not insist upon it.  She got a lot of space, both literal and figurative, during that time.

 

OP, I don't know what you should do.  I parent very intuitively, which rarely fails me.  It is not the easiest way to parent, but it is individualized and loving.  Some kids need a big kick in the pants (figurative), and some kids need a big hug and a nap and some time to grow up.  The hard part of parenting is deciding which your kid needs and when because you never really know until much later if you gave them what they needed.   (((hugs)))

[Laura Corin]

:iagree:  This. I have 6 kids. Granted, the youngest is only 12, so not yet a 'teen' but we've never had anything close to what I read described in some of these threads. 

 

 

 

Well, yes - teenagers are different.  Calvin was a very biddable child.  We went through a year during his teens when he could barely speak to us because he found us so irritating.  I could see the enormous effort it took for him to be just about civil to us.  I could almost see his muscles straining as he attempted to talk normally.  I had never previously actually seen someone talk through gritted teeth.

 

And then it passed.  And he's lovely.

 

L

[fairfarmhand]

This.  I'm imagining a "meltdown" as raging.  Screaming, yelling, crying, out of control, throwing things, slamming doors, etc.

 

Having an argument or heated discussion where both parties may be raising their voices or getting a bit excited does not equal "meltdown" for me.

 

I think my dd may have slammed a door or two in her early teens, but we called her on it, and she never did it again.  She was more sulky at 12-13 than anything else, although that was also rare, since she has a very sunny personality, and nothing gets her down for too long.

 

So...if the OP's definition of "meltdown" means what I said in my first sentence, then no...my kids have never done that past pre-school age.  If it means disagreeing with your parents and the whining, "But ALL the other kids get to have/do this, why can't I?", then yes...that has happened a few times here.  LOL

 

This is what a melt down is.

 

An intense discussion is not a meltdown.

 

A hastily spoken disrespectful comment is not a meltdown.

 

A rolling of the eye, heavy sigh etc. are not meltdowns.

 

When I say meltdown, I mean dramatic, intense, over the top emotional reaction  to not getting your way.

 

The only way to manage over the top emotions at our house is to stay calm and not engage.  I am the adult, and refuse to ride the crazy train.   Sometimes this requires a time out for me, to let things cool off. 

 

 

There was a really great National Geographic article about this not so long ago, called The Teenage Brain I believe.   I occasionally leave it out for DH to remind himself that not only is DS not bad, but what weirdness he does display is totally normal.    

But when you stay calm and don't engage and the child follows you around screaming at you...what do you do then? I can send her to her room, but she's as big as I am. What happens when she won't go. I have gone to my room and locked the door, only to have her scream at me through the door. Or she will unlock the door with screw driver and come in anyhow.

 

The reason for this thread is to help be determine what is NORMAL teen behaviors and what is "we need some professional help" behavior.

 

I'm beginning to lean toward the professional help side especially now that I think of some of the mental health issues that are in my and dh's families.

[fairfarmhand]

Some (or many) families have no experience with inherited neurological disorders, they just can't relate...try not to feel judged, because they are in no position to do so.

 

thank you for this. I needed to hear that.

[texasmama]

This is what a melt down is.

 

An intense discussion is not a meltdown.

 

A hastily spoken disrespectful comment is not a meltdown.

 

A rolling of the eye, heavy sigh etc. are not meltdowns.

 

When I say meltdown, I mean dramatic, intense, over the top emotional reaction  to not getting your way.

 

But when you stay calm and don't engage and the child follows you around screaming at you...what do you do then? I can send her to her room, but she's as big as I am. What happens when she won't go. I have gone to my room and locked the door, only to have her scream at me through the door. Or she will unlock the door with screw driver and come in anyhow.

 

The reason for this thread is to help be determine what is NORMAL teen behaviors and what is "we need some professional help" behavior.

 

I'm beginning to lean toward the professional help side especially now that I think of some of the mental health issues that are in my and dh's families.

OP, these are "we need to get some professional help" behaviors.  This is more than teen moodiness or angst or hormones.  I don't know what (and no one can really say), but it is pretty far beyond the norm.  I would go to a counselor for individual for dd and family counseling/parent counseling. 

[Firefly]

Aw man.  I'm sorry Fairfarmhand.  That is not good at all.  :(  I agree with the above poster... definitely think about counseling.  At the very least she could learn some anger management techniques.

 

 

[TravelingChris]

My one kid suffered from PMDD.  That is a severe form of PMS.  Once it was treated, no more problems.  Another kid was just irritable.  At first, I thought it was just growing up/hormones.  WHen it wasn't going away, we finally figured out it was depression.  She is much better since she has been treated too.  She feels better too.

[DianeW88]

This is what a melt down is.

 

An intense discussion is not a meltdown.

 

A hastily spoken disrespectful comment is not a meltdown.

 

A rolling of the eye, heavy sigh etc. are not meltdowns.

 

When I say meltdown, I mean dramatic, intense, over the top emotional reaction  to not getting your way.

 

But when you stay calm and don't engage and the child follows you around screaming at you...what do you do then? I can send her to her room, but she's as big as I am. What happens when she won't go. I have gone to my room and locked the door, only to have her scream at me through the door. Or she will unlock the door with screw driver and come in anyhow.

 

The reason for this thread is to help be determine what is NORMAL teen behaviors and what is "we need some professional help" behavior.

 

I'm beginning to lean toward the professional help side especially now that I think of some of the mental health issues that are in my and dh's families.

 

I'm sorry, I can't imagine how hard that must be to live with. :grouphug:  I would get a referral from her ped for a family counselor, as well as getting her a complete physical, including bloodwork.  There are many physical illnesses that can present with an emotional component, and once the physical problem is taken care of, the emotional issues diminish.

 

And please don't feel judged. Parents who have to deal with difficult problems like this are my heroes.  Seriously, I am awe of some of the amazing parents on this board and how well they deal with issues that would have me curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb.  You all deserve to have a cheering section follow you around each day. :hurray:

 

[Trish]

Never happened in my family either. My parents have raised 10+ kids and never has a door been slammed, a voice raised or an argument held OUT OF ANGER by any one over the age of 3. Ever. It simply isn't allowed or tolerated. Period.

 

Hmm. With a sample size of 10, and bell curves being shaped as they are, I'm assuming this wasn't because all 10+ of you didn't have angry moments, a desire to argue, a temptation to slam a door, or a firm ability to keep their voices modulated.

 

So what kept the clan in line this strictly?

 

There are several things I don't allow or tolerate (well more than several), but I do end up dishing out consequences to my relatively well behaved kids (who have the occasional meltdown). I can't imagine what type of punctuation I'd have to use to prevent all my non-tolerated behaviors from ever appearing.

 

Something stronger than a period, I'd guess.

[Mom0012]

So far, we've been lucky here with no meltdowns.  My son is 13, almost 14.  Now, sometimes if he is unhappy about something, he will try to make me feel guilty by kind of giving me the cold shoulder, but that doesn't usually last long.  My dd is only 11 and has always been a total sweetheart, but I do wonder what will happen to her when the hormones really hit.  I was a lot like her as a kid and I was not an easy teen.

[mamakelly]

A melt down like you described with slamming doors and screaming and yelling? Never. My 17 year old and 14 year olds get angry and we get in heated arguments, maybe one or twice a month, but nothing like you describe. Maybe it's time for some counseling?

[Melissa in Australia]

I have to say that my answer is never.  I mostly have boys though. What they might do is go on strike.

[jeninok]

This is what a melt down is.

 

An intense discussion is not a meltdown.

 

A hastily spoken disrespectful comment is not a meltdown.

 

A rolling of the eye, heavy sigh etc. are not meltdowns.

 

When I say meltdown, I mean dramatic, intense, over the top emotional reaction  to not getting your way.

 

But when you stay calm and don't engage and the child follows you around screaming at you...what do you do then? I can send her to her room, but she's as big as I am. What happens when she won't go. I have gone to my room and locked the door, only to have her scream at me through the door. Or she will unlock the door with screw driver and come in anyhow.

 

The reason for this thread is to help be determine what is NORMAL teen behaviors and what is "we need some professional help" behavior.

 

I'm beginning to lean toward the professional help side especially now that I think of some of the mental health issues that are in my and dh's families.

I think if she is coming in with a screwdriver then it is time to get some help just to keep the peace.   Thankfully even though DS is prone to over emotion he hasn't ever pushed me that far, but he is younger than your DD still.

 

I hope you can get this figured out!

[Anne in CA]

My older dd admitted when she was almost 18 that she COULD behave herself when she didn't feel like it, but that she saved that good behavior for people outside the family. She told me, "When I'm not happy there is no reason for anyone else in the family to be happy either." She had "sulks" that lasted for days, including banging on furniture and once, throwing her cell phone at me so hard it left a bruise that lasted for several days. I responded to that by dropping her cell phone into a pot of boiling water that I had on the stove for spaghetti. No, I never replaced the cell phone, lol. Some people feed off the power of making other people unhappy. I do think that OP's dd has a problem more serious than that, because in the case of my oldest I learned to be happy no matter how she was acting, after the cell phone incident I actually still went to a karate class and had fun with my friends, and she became disempowered and calmed down. I do not thing that will work for the OP.

[Tap]

Never for both dd14 and dd18.  Had to vote something in the other parts to vote, so I put other. 

 

 

Dd6 on the other hand, has daily meltdowns of anything from slamming doors, talking back, screaming, flailing, kicking holes in walls, hitting/kicking/punching/scratching other people.