My fiance called my daughter a B* wwyd?

[Catwoman]

Be sure that you tell your kids that you're really glad that they told you what was happening, and that if you seemed really angry, it's not their fault. That protecting them is more important to you than anything in the world, even your fiance. That telling you isn't going to "ruin" your life or dreams. That you won't leave them alone with him anymore. That's you'll figure out what to do, and that they're not to worry.

 

That is excellent advice. :thumbup:

[Tammi K]

The other thing that jumps out to me is that the situation has developed so the 10 year old is no longer left at home without Mom. This means the 7 year old no longer has her big brother as 'protector' when she's left home with dad. She's more at dad's mercy then ever before.

Please get your babies to a safe place. There are too many scary things in your post.

[SKL]

B---- is not a word you use on a 7-year-old, unless you're seeing her as not a 7-year-old IYKWIM. I would be very nervous. At the minimum I would stop leaving him with her, and then I would pose some exploratory questions about what he thinks of their relationship.

 

It makes me nervous to see you suggesting that his financial contribution might impact your thinking on this. Your daughter needs you to protect her.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Time to go. Courage and love to you, Mama, because it's time to go.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Wholeheartedly agreeing with the others--LEAVE. Don't look back.

 

It really does get better.

[aggieamy]

 

 

Out. Get out now. Today. Shall I help you pack? Would you like all of us to come over and help you? Because I promise you, those of us who live close enough would be there in a heartbeat.

 

 

Yes. Like right now. Kids in car and gone. Come back later with a friend for belongings.

 

"please protect me" - this is what I always wanted from my mom no matter the cost.

 

 

This makes me so sad. Some of the sad stories in this thread make me ready to go mama grizzly bear in defense of all these women who suffered such abuse as children.

[Ruby Rose]

There are plenty of us here (people who've posted on this thread and people just lurking) who would be willing to come help you move out. If you want our help, just say the word and The Well-Trained Movers will be there.

 

 

If you think there will be trouble, move while he is at work and have the sheriff come to the house while you do it. This situation will not get better, in fact, it will probably get worse even after you leave. He is going to try everything to get you back and then when that doesn't work things are going to get ugly. BUT for the safety of your children, IT IS WORTH IT!

[Giraffe]

Go. Grab bank statements, important papers, treasures, and GO. I've been with a manipulator. It will not get better and is more than likely worse than you realize already.

[Mergath]

I understand it can be very difficult to face the truth and get out of a situation in which you've been manipulated. But it's not that hard to call an abuse hotline and get help. It's not that hard to go to whatever agency or group offers counseling. It's not that hard tell people IRL what is going on. It's not that hard to listen to advice. Take the first step.

 

Harder than you might think. ;)

 

OP, if you're finding it hard to take that first step and leave, try to look at it as if you're leaving to get some space so that you can figure out exactly what's going on. You need a safe and neutral place so that you can sit back, take a breath, and work out what exactly is happening. Your kids can calm down and tell you what's been going on without fear of your fiance overhearing, and you can think without any pressure. Once you've done that, you can go on from there. One step at a time.

[caroljenn]

Never mind - I hadn't read the updated post when I posted this.

[caroljenn]

He has never called me out of my name, as far as the way he treats ME, it is great. He goes out of his way to make me happy, all the problems we have revolves around the way he treats my kids.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt, but...

 

If he treats you great and his own biological children great - he loves you and his kids but not your kids, at least not as much. You need to run. Right now. Your priority has to be your children. They don't have anyone else to protect them.

 

If you don't leave, anything that he does in the future to your kids will be your fault. You knew and you didn't do anything about it. I can't imagine anything being any worse than that.

[Hot Lava Mama]

First, my heart goes out to you and to your kids (who really had no choice in this whole situation).

 

Ultimately, you have to decide what is right for you and your kids because you have to live with it. You can't do something you don't really believe is right.

 

If it were "me", this is so clearly a "pack your bags" situation. I think your kids need to know you are their champion. You will protect THEM over your own needs. You owe it to them. (saying gently...you kind of created this situation, so your needs have to take a back seat right now to your kids' physical and emotional security). Your daughter is right now looking at you to see what is acceptable in how men will treat HER in the future. If it's o.k. for "you" to let them abuse her, then why not date men like that when "she" gets older. Would you be o.k. seeing her as an adult married or engaged or whatever to a man who verbally abuses her? Also, it usually doesn't stop at that. It almost always escalates from there. It is only a matter of time. Plus, you will loose the respect of your kids if you don't put your foot down. They will resent you for the rest of their life for not taking them out of that environment.

 

I don't think that word is acceptable to anyone, ever. Period. No discussion. However, it is even more extreme that this was said to a 7 year old girl. My god, a 7 year old is still just a baby! It would be more understandable (although still UNacceptable) if the comment were made to a mouthy teenager, but a 7 year old. No way. No how. Not gonna happen.

 

I wish you the best. It sounds like you have a very messy situation with no good solutions. Only "less bad" solutions.

Hot Lava Mama

[Joanne]

B---- is not a word you use on a 7-year-old, unless you're seeing her as not a 7-year-old IYKWIM. I would be very nervous. At the minimum I would stop leaving him with her, and then I would pose some exploratory questions about what he thinks of their relationship.

 

It makes me nervous to see you suggesting that his financial contribution might impact your thinking on this. Your daughter needs you to protect her.

 

True story, unfortunately. "Bitch" is a term used for mature women, it's a sexual slam (as most insults to women are).

[Halcyon]

I am sorry you are going through this. Pray hard, if you are a praying woman, about the right steps to take. Nobody, and i mean nobody, knows what to do better than a mama when it comes to her kids.

[justamouse]

 

I don't think that word is acceptable to anyone, ever. Period. No discussion. However, it is even more extreme that this was said to a 7 year old girl. My god, a 7 year old is still just a baby! It would be more understandable (although still UNacceptable) if the comment were made to a mouthy teenager, but a 7 year old. No way. No how. Not gonna happen.

 

I wish you the best. It sounds like you have a very messy situation with no good solutions. Only "less bad" solutions.

Hot Lava Mama

 

This. My youngest daughter is 7, and really, I can't even imagine her being called that, she plays with dolls and dresses up.

 

Adult using a word like that to attack another adult, that I could understand a little more, but toward a 7 year old? I can't fathom. That is a symptom of a far greater problem

[Alessandra]

 

 

Harder than you might think. ;)

 

OP, if you're finding it hard to take that first step and leave, try to look at it as if you're leaving to get some space so that you can figure out exactly what's going on. You need a safe and neutral place so that you can sit back, take a breath, and work out what exactly is happening. Your kids can calm down and tell you what's been going on without fear of your fiance overhearing, and you can think without any pressure. Once you've done that, you can go on from there. One step at a time.

 

You're right. It would have been better to say that, hard though that first phone call is, it's probably easier than the process of getting out.... Where do I go? Where will I get money? If I leave/make him leave, will he get so angry that he really explodes? It's not just the leaving, but the fallout afterwards.

 

But it can be done. Having a place to go for assistance IRL can make that transition smoother. Realizing that a situation is abusive is a process. As Mergath said, one step at a time. And keep dc close.

[Eagle]

Your children need your help. He's already been given a second chance. Please listen to your instincts.

[Liz CA]

I think you need to have a long and serious talk with him before you make any kind of decision.

 

Is he normally a kind and loving father to the kids? How does he treat you? Does he call you bad names? Is he abusive in any other way?

 

I don't think any of us can advise you without knowing more details -- but I would be very concerned that your dd doesn't want to be left alone with him. That is a huge red flag to me. Are you absolutely certain that he isn't abusing her in any other way?

 

 

Exactly my thoughts.

[Liz CA]

Some answers to questions is there has never been a problem with him and her, they have always had a good relationship which is why I am floored, she has always been a happy child and her mood suddenly changed which alerted to me this. On the other hand their has always been tension between him and my oldest son, it got so bad at one point that he hit him(not spanked) and the next day I loaded up my van and drove 12 hours to my moms house. We were broken up for about 4 months and he swore that he changed and that he loved the kids and I and that he wanted us to be a family so he moved to where I was and things were good for a good 6 months, and now he has started cussing at the kids but hasn't put his hands on them outside of discipline. A few months ago I noticed that the tension between him and my son had started again so I asked my son what was going on and he said that daddy just yelled at him a lot so I got to the point where I wouldn't leave him alone with him, everytime I have to go somewhere I take my oldest with me. (btw he is 10) So now out of nowhere he has started lashing out on my daughter and this incident happeded the last time that I left the house. He has never been abusive to me in anyway, we hardly ever fight and he goes out of his way to make sure that I am happy. He treats the 2 boys we have together totally different. I know in my heart that I need to get my kids out of this situation because he is acting the same way he was when I left him the first time.

 

 

One question: Can you imagine being married to this man until death?

He has a problem with your children from a prior marriage or he has problems period.

I am now firmly in the "RUN" camp, before it's too late.

Please take your daughter to a counselor so someone skilled in this area can find out if she was not only verbally but also physically abused.

Believe the people who have said this is a pivotal point in your life and in your relationship with your children.

BTW, people usually don't change drastically in 6 months, especially not without any outside help, i.e. counseling, men's group, anger resolution, etc.

[joannqn]

I agree with everyone that has said that it is time to leave...now.

 

Your children need to be in counseling. I believe that there is more to the story because of your daughter's fear of being left alone especially. As a victim of abuse, both verbal from my father and sexual from a neighbor, I can tell you that telling is the hardest thing in the world. I did not tell anyone about the sexual abuse until 6 years....6 years...after the last time I saw him. It took 6 years before I said anything, and I didn't say something because I was ready to. I eventually told because I was at a point of mental breakdown and just couldn't cope anymore.

[phathui5]

She said that he has not touched her in any unappropriate way, he just yells at her a lot when I am not there.

 

 

Then he can't be around her.

[Rosie_0801]

If a guy doesn't adore your kids damn near as much as you do, he's no use at all.

[FaithManor]

If a guy doesn't adore your kids damn near as much as you do, he's no use at all.

 

Rosie, I "heart' you for this!!!!

 

That's the whole point. Kids do not ask to be brought into this world. Your children are helpless, OP, so you need to help them as scary as getting away from this slug is.

 

Go to your local community health department. Tell the nurse. She should should have a list of resources for you including a shelter. Our county has a wonderful one that is protected by police. They have lovely family suites with kitches for the residents to share, counselors on site, and social workers to help you explore your options. Moms and dads that have had to go on the run from an abuser or potential abuser can stay 6 months and in some cases one year. It's a lovely set up and it's supported by tax dollars and donations because the community cares. You may find there is just such a facility for you if you can't go home to your folks.

 

If you were my daughter, you'd be home with your dad and I and we would be helping you get on your feet. DH would have a hard time not beating living snot out of the abuser. So, I'm really hoping you have that kind of support from your family, but if not, you can still leave because there should be community resources available to you.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Faith

[Wildcat]

Rosie, I "heart' you for this!!!!

 

That's the whole point. Kids do not ask to be brought into this world. Your children are helpless, OP, so you need to help them as scary as getting away from this slug is.

 

Go to your local community health department. Tell the nurse. She should should have a list of resources for you including a shelter. Our county has a wonderful one that is protected by police. They have lovely family suites with kitches for the residents to share, counselors on site, and social workers to help you explore your options. Moms and dads that have had to go on the run from an abuser or potential abuser can stay 6 months and in some cases one year. It's a lovely set up and it's supported by tax dollars and donations because the community cares. You may find there is just such a facility for you if you can't go home to your folks.

 

If you were my daughter, you'd be home with your dad and I and we would be helping you get on your feet. DH would have a hard time not beating living snot out of the abuser. So, I'm really hoping you have that kind of support from your family, but if not, you can still leave because there should be community resources available to you.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Faith

 

:iagree: OP, get out. Now.

 

And Rosie, as usual, is awesome. Why would you want to be with someone who not only didn't like your kids, who not only treats them as 'less thans', but who is (at the VERY LEAST) verbally and emotionally abusive to them?

[Koerarmoca]

Only having read the first few comments. I will say sometimes people say things out of anger that they really don't mean. It does not make it ok or make it right by any means. You have to decide if you love him enough to be willing to work through the issue. I would in the mean time not leave her home with him and I would start working on an "plan B" so that you could support yourself and the children with out him. I would have a super hard time with the name calling though.

 

I would also maybe find out from your son what your daughter was doing at the time that made him say this. While I don't know the whole story I highly doubt it was just a she walked in the kitchen and He called her a B situation. My guess is something set him off, and he needs to work through that anger with someone.

[dtsmamtj]

If your daughter doesn't want to be alone with him, heed that as the warning it is.

 

This is more true than you will ever know!! The only male growing up I wasn't afraid of was my grandfather. It wasn't that many had caused me to fear, it only took one person to instill this in me and then others to ignore it.

[Cinder]

Only having read the first few comments.

 

If you go through and find all the OP's updates (there were at least 2 or 3) you'll get more insight into the situation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Only having read the first few comments.

 

 

Which highlights the need to read the entire thread on a topic that is as important and as sensitive as this one before saying it is no big deal.

[Guest]

Here's what shows a person's character: what things make it into their "one must never do..." category. I cannot imagine a situation that could ever prompt me to call a little girl a B****, let alone my own. It is a "never do." If that border is not rock-solid, you can't be certain about other related "never-dos."

 

OP, I feel for you; I know it is not simple to move out and "change your life." Yes, it will change your life. But what is happening is already changing your life and not for the better. Even if "all" he ever does is verbally abuse your children, that is a never-do in my book. You must leave. You must change your life yourself - for the better.

[JBJones]

Please be safe. Your DF sounds as though he might have a dark side that you have never witnessed, especially if he thought that you were done with him. He sounds very sneaky, deceitful, and manipulative. I'm hoping that you are close to your mom (distance wise) and can just move in with her. Please keep yourself and your children safe.

[Brilliant]

We haven't heard from the OP since early yesterday afternoon...I really hope it's because she's packed her bags and headed to mom's house. :sad:

[Alessandra]

OP -- One of the phrases I noticed in your posts is that your partner "treats" you well. I did not hear that you had a strong relationship, made a good team, were supportive of each other.... People "treat" animals well, but when people say that, I have to wonder if one of them is in a subservient role.

 

Please, I am not trying to sound harsh, but I can't help wonder if you could be missing some warning signs, since you are in the middle of the situation. You did say in your first post:

 

"if I make him leave that will drastically change our lives (he provides the only income) and I don't want to take my kids from a bad situation to a worse situation."

 

That is a very reasonable worry. I wanted to ask you -- not to reply here, but to ask yourself -- if you would lose your home without your partner's support? lose your car? Have trouble finding money for food? Decide to leave and not have enough gas to get to your mother's house? Do you have your own credit cards and a way to pay bills on your own? Or has your partner not encouraged any independence on your part? The reason I am asking you to think about this is that there are many 'hidden' signs of abuse. I have no idea if any of this is happening to you.

 

Now, if you'll forgive me for linking to something Dear Abby wrote (wish it could have been a fancier author) -- a list of signs of abuse that has been reprinted many times and can be eye-opening to people who do not think they are in an abusive situation.

 

http://www.uexpress....l_date=20110325

 

Now, none of this may apply to you at all, but I wanted to include it just in case.

[somo_chickenlady]

Please stand up for your children and do not allow this to continue. If you do, it could seriously damage them (words can do just as much damage to a person as a hand does) and could most likely damage YOUR relationship with them. Trust me when I say that your children will grow up thinking that your fiance is more important than they are b/c you refused to protect them, and it will breed MASSIVE resentment. Not to mention, situations like this may start off as just words, but they don't often remain that way.

 

Please protect them since they are unable to protect themselves. Please.

 

ETA - I wish my mother had stood up for me and protected me from my father, even though I was in high school when it started happening. I am 35 and I still have serious trust issues with her. Our relationship has never been the same.

[Guest]

http://www.uexpress....l_date=20110325[/url]

 

Now, none of this may apply to you at all, but I wanted to include it just in case. ]

 

That list - :crying: I totally agree with it. My boyfriend in high school, though not physically abusive, had many of these traits. I THANK GOD I did not marry him! THANK GOD!!! He was cruel to animals and children. He tried to "discipline" his aquarium fish for chasing other fish in the tank. :banghead: It would be funny if it wasn't so absurd. One time, he said something mean to a child I babysat - something like, "You're such a brat." He wanted to occupy all of my time. One time, he became angry because I started singing along with a song on the radio that he didn't know. He couldn't imagine how I was familiar with a song he had never heard. Once out of high school, he got me a job at the place he worked, no doubt so he could keep tabs on me. He did not encourage me to buy a car; it was better for him if I couldn't go anywhere without his assistance. One time, he broke into my house by pushing open a window and unlocking the door. He ransacked my bedroom and then raged at me about any memorabilia I had kept - photos of boys, notes from boys, even a little note from a group of boys in my 8th grade French class - "Dear Danielle. We think your hot." :blush: In the back of my mind, alarm bells were going off, but I didn't have the courage to walk yet. He "tried" to help me with math one time. He kept telling me he could not believe how stupid I was not to understand this simple little lesson. His father was the most foul-mouthed adult I have EVER met. He constantly, regularly cussed. He would go to sports events at high school and loudly cuss about every call, play, etc. When his family members would fight, it was full of violent language.

 

Thank God I left. Thank God, thank God, thank God.

[nertsmommy]

:iagree:

 

It is simply not normal for her to suddenly be afraid to be left alone with the man she believes to be her father simply because he got angry a few times and called her a bad name, particularly because the OP previously stated that their relationship had always been "great" and apparently she'd never feared him in the past.

 

Whether or not the OP wants to believe it, I truly believe there is more going on here than her dd is telling her.

 

 

I agree with all of this. From personal experience, I know a child doesn't always tell everything and will deny things and may do so for years.

 

I say you should go now and protect your kids.

[Retired]

. He treats the 2 boys we have together totally different. I know in my heart that I need to get my kids out of this situation because he is acting the same way he was when I left him the first time.

 

 

I would get out just for this. I don't always get guys but some just don't love or bond with other men's kids. I know not all men are that way but some are. He may of been in love with you enough to accept your kids but once he had his own he felt different. He seems to recent the kids from a previous relationship.

 

I've seen this way to many times where the stepfather starts abusing the previous marriage kids sexually and/or physically. I don't know if he has only been verbally abusive towards them but I would get the kids away and talk with them. I think their maybe more than verbal abuse going on.

[mom24cuties]

I would like to thank everyone for the advice that I have recieved, we talked last night and he has left the house. I told him I would change the locks in 3 days so he had time to get his stuff out. The kids and I are at my moms house for the next 3 days while he is getting his stuff. There was no yelling he said he was wrong and he understands why I want him out. I don't know what my next steps are but I am just going to take it one day at a time. I am taking my son and daughter to their doctor to figure out the type of help they need to get through this on Monday, and we will just go from there.

Thanks again everyone for your supportive words.

[bzymom]

Good job, mama! I hope you and the kids are able to find peace as this is all sorted out. :grouphug:

[bzymom]

Good job, mama! I hope you and the kids are able to find peace as this is all sorted out. :grouphug:

[Luckymama]

Please have someone with you when you return to the house, just in case.

[Annie]

Bless you and your sweet babies. You're a strong person. Hugs.

[KnitWit]

Please have someone with you when you return to the house, just in case.

 

This.

 

I'm so very, very sorry. I have utmost respect for you and the fact that you made this choice. Hugs to you.

[FaithManor]

Good job momma! I know it hurts something fierce for you and the times seem so uncertain, but you did the absolute right thing!

 

Blessings to you and your children. Please keep posting with updates. Many moms here have wisdom to share and we want to be supportive.

 

Faith

[LittleIzumi]

I would like to thank everyone for the advice that I have recieved, we talked last night and he has left the house. I told him I would change the locks in 3 days so he had time to get his stuff out. The kids and I are at my moms house for the next 3 days while he is getting his stuff. There was no yelling he said he was wrong and he understands why I want him out. I don't know what my next steps are but I am just going to take it one day at a time. I am taking my son and daughter to their doctor to figure out the type of help they need to get through this on Monday, and we will just go from there.

Thanks again everyone for your supportive words.

 

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonderful, mama, wonderful.

 

Now make sure he STAYS out. With how calm he was, I wonder if he thinks you'll just come back like last time. Show him you know better and are a stronger person than he thinks--keep your family safe!!!!!!!! ((((HUGE HUGS))))

[Alessandra]

I would like to thank everyone for the advice that I have recieved, we talked last night and he has left the house. I told him I would change the locks in 3 days so he had time to get his stuff out. The kids and I are at my moms house for the next 3 days while he is getting his stuff. There was no yelling he said he was wrong and he understands why I want him out. I don't know what my next steps are but I am just going to take it one day at a time. I am taking my son and daughter to their doctor to figure out the type of help they need to get through this on Monday, and we will just go from there.

Thanks again everyone for your supportive words.

 

You are one very strong mother! And brave for facing things squarely. Many, many good wishes.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

 

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonderful, mama, wonderful.

 

Now make sure he STAYS out. With how calm he was, I wonder if he thinks you'll just come back like last time. Show him you know better and are a stronger person than he thinks--keep your family safe!!!!!!!! ((((HUGE HUGS))))

 

Or he already had someone else on the side and was looking for a way out.... (Sorry OP, not a nice thought, I know. Just my suspicious side showing.)

[TranquilMind]

B---- is not a word you use on a 7-year-old, unless you're seeing her as not a 7-year-old IYKWIM. I would be very nervous.

 

 

This crossed my mind as well.

 

I'm really sorry. I hope you are able to get out quickly.

[Ipsey]

You are being a good mother. Your children probably don't know yet how lucky they are to have you! But they will, eventually. :)

[caroljenn]

I don't even know you, but I am proud of you! Way to go, Mama!

[Catwoman]

I would like to thank everyone for the advice that I have recieved, we talked last night and he has left the house. I told him I would change the locks in 3 days so he had time to get his stuff out. The kids and I are at my moms house for the next 3 days while he is getting his stuff. There was no yelling he said he was wrong and he understands why I want him out. I don't know what my next steps are but I am just going to take it one day at a time. I am taking my son and daughter to their doctor to figure out the type of help they need to get through this on Monday, and we will just go from there.

Thanks again everyone for your supportive words.

 

I am so incredibly impressed by how quickly and definitively you took action. You aren't allowing yourself or your children to be victimized, and you're getting your doctor's advice on what kind of help your kids may need.

 

That is absolutely outstanding, and although I don't know you in real life, I feel so proud of you.

 

You and your kids will get through this and in the end, you will all be happier.

 

We're here for you whenever you need to talk, even if it's just to vent or whine or complain. :grouphug: