How do you handle the DRAMA????!!!!

[fairfarmhand]

This is partly JAWM, but a few tips might be nice. Please don't jump on me though because I already feel like a total failure where this dd of mine is concerned.

 

My 15 yo dd is a total drama queen. It really doesn't manifest itself like this with her friends, but in family....look out. Every discussion involves "Why are you yelling at me?!!!" "What did I do to make you so mad?" "What is YOUR problem???" I can really not be angry or upset and I get this stuff.

 

And it's not just me either. Last night my dh was very surprised by something she said and just made a stunned expression. She gets all "Why are you mad at me? I didn't do ANYTHINGGGGGGG!" We were hoping to have a pleasant conversation about a decision that we had made and it just all blew up in our faces.

 

It seems that unless we are smiling and patting her on the head, telling her what she wants to hear, or agreeing with her, she falls all to pieces. If we speak firmly (even quietly and firmly) we are yelling at her. Any time we tell her no it's because we;re mad at her or in a bad mood.

 

I am just so tired of this. I had hoped that by the time we reached this age we could have interesting, good discussions about decisions. My parents never explained anything, but we just had to go along whether we agreed or not. I'm beginning to feel that I should parent the same way because every discussion involves so much emotion it is completely draining.

 

Discussions with her go from point A to point Z hitting point Q and R in there before she gets all the way back to point A. It's almost dizzying. Then we get into "You hurt my feelings because you said that SO MEANNNNNN!"

 

This morning she woke up and wanted to continue the talk from last night. I simply said that I was not going to talk about it because talking to her turns into a huge dramatic mess and I don't have the energy for that.

 

This is the same child who when I marked her papers wrong in the 6th grade told me that I made my x's so that they looked mean, and I did it on purpose to hurt her feelings and make her feel stupid.

 

I am so tired of my life revolving around her feeeeeellllinggggggsss.

 

I try to step out of the conversations when they begin to devolve into emotional messes, but then nothing gets resolved. The next time we try to revisit the issues, it gets hairy again. I am so worn down from all this.

[Rebecca VA]

I would just tell her that we're going to discuss facts and keep feelings out of the discussion.

[Dmmetler]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have the 8 yr old version-if you find an answer, let me know because I'm dreading the next 10 years!

[justamouse]

Hey, the purple pen rule was totally for her, eh? :grouphug:

 

Did you ever read The Optimistic Child? I think it would help. Her internal dialog is, "That's so mean, it's not fair!" The book will give you tools to work her out of that mindset and help her be more emotionally resilient by analyzing her dialog and evaluating it.

[Catwoman]

It's all your fault for making those "mean X" marks on her papers!!! :eek:

 

(Sorry -- I couldn't resist! :D)

 

I don't have any advice I for you, but I wanted to send you a :grouphug:. It sounds like you've got a real drama queen on your hands.

[fairfarmhand]

I would just tell her that we're going to discuss facts and keep feelings out of the discussion.

 

 

hmmmm..will try this one.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have the 8 yr old version-if you find an answer, let me know because I'm dreading the next 10 years!

 

 

she;s been like this since she was 2. We had a full length mirror opposite my bed and she'd go sit on the bed in my room when she got in trouble. She'd be crying and then she'd watch the little girl in the mirror cry and she would cry harder.

[fairfarmhand]

Hey, the purple pen rule was totally for her, eh? :grouphug:

 

Did you ever read The Optimistic Child? I think it would help. Her internal dialog is, "That's so mean, it's not fair!" The book will give you tools to work her out of that mindset and help her be more emotionally resilient by analyzing her dialog and evaluating it.

 

adding to my Amazon wish list now. And really yes, that is her internal (and external) dialog. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Nope she doesn't nknow how.

It's all your fault for making those "mean X" marks on her papers!!! :eek:

 

(Sorry -- I couldn't resist! :D)

 

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[DianeW88]

I wouldn't engage her. I would just say exactly what you did this morning. "Unless you can have a discussion where you don't whine and constantly tell us how meeeaaaaannn we are, I'm not speaking with you about it. You're too old to behave this way and it's getting ridiculous."

[AnIslandGirl]

This is my dd9 to a tee! I have found the SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) organization to be a great resource.

Unless thing are going dd's way, than nothing, not one single thing in life is "fair". Oh how I loath that term lately! Good luck, I keep hoping this is just a phase, but I fear it's just a personality quirk.

[fairfarmhand]

This is my dd9 to a tee! I have found the SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) organization to be a great resource.

Unless thing are going dd's way, than nothing, not one single thing in life is "fair". Oh how I loath that term lately! Good luck, I keep hoping this is just a phase, but I fear it's just a personality quirk.

 

yup. Things are either AMAZING!!!!! FABULOUS!!!! INCREDIBLE!!!!! or horrible, rotten, terrible.....

 

She;s always been like this. As long as she;s getting her way, she's a great kid. If she's not...look out!

[Dandelion]

I've got two emotionally hyper-sensitive kids. It's frustrating. :grouphug:

 

How is your relationship with this DD? It sounds like this dynamic has been going on for a long time. Are there a few times each day where the two of you are able to connect in a positive way, or are the interactions mostly negative?

 

A few years ago, I learned about the "connect before you correct" concept and it really made a difference in my relationship with my kids. Basically, the premise is that if your connection with your child is not strong (due to ongoing power struggles, etc.), you should reduce or even stop correcting your child for awhile while you work on reestablishing a strong, positive bond. With my kids, I've noticed that when our ratio of positive to negative interactions is high, they're able to take correction and negative feedback (when needed) much better.

 

If the relationship with your DD has suffered because of this dynamic, I'd start by rebuilding a positive connection with her. :grouphug:

[somo_chickenlady]

I have no idea. My DH is the same way, unfortunately. To him, unless I am hyper and happy bouncing off the walls, he tells me I am being p*ssy and gets mad at me, but heaven forbid I mention something when HE is in a truly carpy mood. *grumble* I can never just be in a somber mood, or not feel well, or just not feel like being hyper, without him jumping down my throat. If I don't respond to everything with a chipper tone to my voice, watch out. I hate it. ...and yes, I have said something to him about it multiple times, but it doesn't make a difference.

[fairfarmhand]

I've got two emotionally sensitive kids. It's frustrating. :grouphug:

 

How is your relationship with this DD? It sounds like this dynamic has been going on for a long time. Are there a few times each day where the two of you are able to connect in a positive way, or are the interactions mostly negative?

 

A few years ago, I learned about the "connect before you correct" concept and it really made a difference in my relationship with my kids. Basically, the premise is that if your connection with your child is not strong (due to ongoing power struggles, etc.), you should reduce or even stop correcting your child for awhile while you work on reestablishing a strong, positive bond. With my kids, I've noticed that when our ratio of positive to negative interactions is high, they're able to take correction and negative feedback (when needed) much better.

 

If the relationship with your DD has suffered because of this dynamic, I'd start by rebuilding a positive connection with her. :grouphug:

Thanks for these thoughts. Actually we do seem to connect well on a regular basis,, most of the time it is a multiple times daily thing. She just simply does not know how to handle not getting her way or negative emotions.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Oh, I feel for you. Drama is so exhausting. Joanne had said something that has always resonated with me. When her kids would overreact to something, she would say something to validate their feelings, but clue them in to the fact that the reaction was not commesurate with the situation. I think she would say something like "I can see you are disappointed with getting that wrong, but your reaction is a 9 where the situation warrants a 2." I am sure if she has time, she could jump in here and clarify what she would do (or you maybe you could find it on her GOYB parenting website or from one of her older posts.) When my kids react irrationally to the situation, the most important thing for me to do (and the most difficult) is to remain calm, ask them to express their concerns in a more appropriate, respectful manner. In fact, I would pull her aside at a more calm moment to have a talk with her about the long-term consequences of her overreaction, victim mentality, etc. At first, I would order her to remain calm and not interrupt. Tell her that you love her and want only the best for her. Then I would show her alternate ways of responding that would be more productive. This may take a lot of practice and reminders in the heat of the moment.

[HollyinNNV]

Let her read your post. I think it sums things up nicely, though I would delete the part about failing her at the beginning. Then, see if you can have a decent discussion.

 

Holly

[Parrothead]

I wouldn't engage her. I would just say exactly what you did this morning. "Unless you can have a discussion where you don't whine and constantly tell us how meeeaaaaannn we are, I'm not speaking with you about it. You're too old to behave this way and it's getting ridiculous."

Exactly. She doesn't do it around her friends because they will tell her to shut up. Not that I think you should tell her to shut up, but perhaps it is time to put a stop to the whining.

 

I see drama as an older child throwing a fit. Screaming at parents, running up the stairs and slamming doors and being disrespectful are just not allowed. There are consequences for such behavior. If personal responsibility isn't learned at home it is learned when one loses a job repeatedly or when one has no friends or other relationships.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have the 8 yr old version-if you find an answer, let me know because I'm dreading the next 10 years!

 

 

I do too, and he's a boy. Out of 5 kids he is my drama queen. Everything is about how he feels. When I make him complete his work, I'm cruel (his words), if I correct his work I was unfair and trying to hurt him. I've been told I hate him, I'm torturing him, I should just kick him out (where does he come up with that????).

 

He also tell me he loves me a lot, but it's always because of something I've done that he likes.

 

I am also dreading the teen years.

[fairfarmhand]

Oh, I feel for you. Drama is so exhausting. Joanne had said something that has always resonated with me. When her kids would overreact to something, she would say something to validate their feelings, but clue them in to the fact that the reaction was not commesurate with the situation. I think she would say something like "I can see you are disappointed with getting that wrong, but your reaction is a 9 where the situation warrants a 2." I am sure if she has time, she could jump in here and clarify what she would do (or you maybe you could find it on her GOYB parenting website or from one of her older posts.) When my kids react irrationally to the situation, the most important thing for me to do (and the most difficult) is to remain calm, ask them to express their concerns in a more appropriate, respectful manner. In fact, I would pull her aside at a more calm moment to have a talk with her about the long-term consequences of her overreaction, victim mentality, etc. At first, I would order her to remain calm and not interrupt. Tell her that you love her and want only the best for her. Then I would show her alternate ways of responding that would be more productive. This may take a lot of practice and reminders in the heat of the moment.

Thank you. These are great ideas.

 

One thing that is at play here is that I am not a super emotional person. 2 weeks ago my dh took a class for work and one of the topics was Emotional Intelligence. He said that he was surprised at how low he scored on self awareness...knowing your feelings and how they are affecting you. I answered that I was not at all surprised about that. He (and my dd) feel things very deeply, but they have a difficult time reaching through the emotion to the intellectual part of the brain and going, "Okay is this feeling valid? Did that person mean to hurt or annoy me?"

 

And this is something that comes easily to me, so I have a hard time understanding and managing the two of them. I almost always am able to analyze my feelings without allowing the feelings to overcome my common sense and my impulsive reactions.

 

And you ought to see the two of them trying to work through a problem,

 

Oy.

[Danestress]

I do JAWY that this sounds exhausting.

 

My only advice is a piece of advice I received that has been very helpful to me. I get sort of upset by conflict. When one person starts escalating, it's easy for other to get sucked into it, and the emotional response is a biological one. Then you really do end up with a huge drama. My oldest was my most dramatic, but nothing like this. With him, I learned that when he started to get dramatic, my best move was to do the opposite - become totally calm, unconcerned, a little detached. I memorized a few "lines" that I would use, and they helped me remain detached.

 

"Well, that's one way to look at it." (I think I used that line tens times a day for two years)

 

"I hear what you are saying."

 

"Yes, I you have often said that so I know you feel that way."

 

"Lets talk about this later when we are both calmed down" (which is particularly effective when it is clear to the child that YOU are totally calm, and it's really she who needs to calm down, but you are too diplomatic to say so."

 

Don't argue. Don't defend. Basically, don't negotiate with emotional terrorists. And get out of that room as soon as you politely can!

 

I hate telling a parent to emotionally detach from a child, but sometimes I think it's a good short term move.

[fairfarmhand]

I do JAWY that this sounds exhausting.

 

My only advice is a piece of advice I received that has been very helpful to me. I get sort of upset by conflict. When one person starts escalating, it's easy for other to get sucked into it, and the emotional response is a biological one. Then you really do end up with a huge drama. My oldest was my most dramatic, but nothing like this. With him, I learned that when he started to get dramatic, my best move was to do the opposite - become totally calm, unconcerned, a little detached. I memorized a few "lines" that I would use, and they helped me remain detached.

 

"Well, that's one way to look at it." (I think I used that line tens times a day for two years)

 

"I hear what you are saying."

 

"Yes, I you have often said that so I know you feel that way."

 

"Lets talk about this later when we are both calmed down" (which is particularly effective when it is clear to the child that YOU are totally calm, and it's really she who needs to calm down, but you are too diplomatic to say so."

 

Don't argue. Don't defend. Basically, don't negotiate with emotional terrorists. And get out of that room as soon as you politely can!

 

I hate telling a parent to emotionally detach from a child, but sometimes I think it's a good short term move.

 

 

my drama queen sees that as "You don't CAAAAAARRRRREEEEE!" And she will make it her mission to get a reaction one way or another.

 

I do hide out in the bathroom sometimes because I just don't know what else to do!

[Danestress]

my drama queen sees that as "You don't CAAAAAARRRRREEEEE!"

 

 

"Well, that's one way to look at it." Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

 

It might be too engaging to say what I really would want to say which is, 'I guess you are right. I don't really care that much."

[Live2Ride]

do not engage, do not engage, do not engage the drama...thats my advice. I have a 15 yr old drama queen. Love that kid to death, but she wears me out! She just got signed up for softball though and has been too tired lately to even want to be too much of a drama queen :) ...although she has a head cold and that child can be worse than a sick husband, lol.

 

Hugs!

[northcoast]

I'm listening in as I have a dd, 10, who seems so like the OP's dd. Thanks, Julie, for suggesting rebuilding a positive connection. I needed that reminder.

[KungFuPanda]

You can sit next to me on this train. Here's a cup of tea. It helps if you think of it as a movie and observe it with a scientific curiosity. I was sure it wouldn't happen to us. Our daughter was mature since toddlerhood . . .so smart, so level-headed. She was no match for the hormones. When she was 14 I asked a friend if 15 would be easier. She told me "No, but you'll be more used to it." My favorite is when you think you're having a lovely conversation, then WHAM suddenly "you're not listening" to her and she leaves in tears. You're left there stunned thinking "We were just talking about ice cream."

 

My daughter is 16 now and seems to be coming out of that tunnel. Either her hormones have evened out, or she's got a better handle on it. I'm not sure we're completely out of the woods, but I can see more dappled sunlight these days. It helps to have friends who have lived through it and can remind you not to escalate the problem by taking it personally.

 

ETA: My daughter was a relatively late bloomer. I'm sure some folks go through this much earlier than we have. It's all relative to those 'changes.'

[Chelle in MO]

When mine go through these phases, I try to be calm, confident, and consistent.

 

Calm: keeps me from getting too emotionally engaged--I scream inside my head, but am speaking in a quiet, measured way. I will go start a load of laundry, call my mom, make a dr. appt...anything to move past what's going on in the moment.

 

Confident: in what my expectations are and what the consequences are for not meeting them--no waffling except in extremely rare circumstances!

 

Consistent: so they know that things will be the same EVERY. TIME. No surprises.

 

It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's effective.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I was going to post that I once read that teens really do have trouble understanding when their parents are actually yelling and when they are just irritated. But then I read that your daughter has always been like this, so I guess the problem is deeper.

 

If you ever figure out what works, come back and let us know. I have a 6 year-old son that sounds much like your daughter. I think he may have a really low EQ.

[speedmom4]

I really feel for you! My teenage girls love to argue and FEEL things. Right now they are arguing with their brother about whether or not a good quarterback makes a great football team. They don't even care about football but they love to argue and get emotional about things. I follow the advice about not engaging in their hysterics. It's exhausting and ridiculous. I hope they grow out of it someday!

 

No advice just (((hugs)))).

 

Elise in NC

[justamouse]

Thank you. These are great ideas.

 

One thing that is at play here is that I am not a super emotional person. 2 weeks ago my dh took a class for work and one of the topics was Emotional Intelligence. He said that he was surprised at how low he scored on self awareness...knowing your feelings and how they are affecting you. I answered that I was not at all surprised about that. He (and my dd) feel things very deeply, but they have a difficult time reaching through the emotion to the intellectual part of the brain and going, "Okay is this feeling valid? Did that person mean to hurt or annoy me?"

 

And this is something that comes easily to me, so I have a hard time understanding and managing the two of them. I almost always am able to analyze my feelings without allowing the feelings to overcome my common sense and my impulsive reactions.

 

And you ought to see the two of them trying to work through a problem,

 

Oy.

 

 

That is *exactly* what the book The Optimistic Child teaches. How to structure their habitual internal thought to hit those questions and then reorder their reactions. And, rewiring those brain habits is important.

[fairfarmhand]

 

That is *exactly* what the book The Optimistic Child teaches. How to structure their habitual internal thought to hit those questions and then reorder their reactions. And, rewiring those brain habits is important.

 

then I will definitely try to get hold of that book. My dh may find it helpful too.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

Part of it is: she's 15, and some 15yos are drama queens/kings. It will get better. If you (or she) lives that long.

 

one thing that might help (believe it or not), does she take a d3 supplement? it can actually help with mood volatility.

[clarkacademy]

When I am accused of yelling I YELL When I am accused of being mean they can get extra chores. I have zero patience for te drama queen attention seaking junk, so it don't happen here. If you whine at me you must be tired so go to bed. If you are aggravating me you must be bored so here have some of my chores. I don't play with that crap at all. My daughter rarely tries it anymore. She knows I will talk to her until the cows come home but if she is playing at that then she better play with her friends.

[shanvan]

Guess what? I've got a king to match your queen! I'm coming back later to read all the posts again. I can only skim now b/c I'm at the skating rink and need to pack up. I think we are pretty much doing the things suggested above, but some Dc seem to have a propensity for intense behavior and need constant reminding that their reactions are inappropriate. And THAT is the exhausting part!

[myfunnybunch]

He (and my dd) feel things very deeply, but they have a difficult time reaching through the emotion to the intellectual part of the brain and going, "Okay is this feeling valid? Did that person mean to hurt or annoy me?"

 

And this is something that comes easily to me, so I have a hard time understanding and managing the two of them. I almost always am able to analyze my feelings without allowing the feelings to overcome my common sense and my impulsive reactions.

 

And you ought to see the two of them trying to work through a problem,

 

Oy.

 

This is my dh and my stepdaughter to. a. T. They are very sensitive and cannot see that their emotional reaction to an event or conversation is not necessarily the best measure of the situation.

 

The teen years were especially difficult. I remember being completely bewildered one day because dd had a complete sobbing meltdown when I asked her to re-sweep the floor. She sobbed that I hated her and to stop screaming at her. I was stunned, because I'd simply said (politely but directly and without a smile), "Hey the floor isn't clean, so you need to resweep it. Please check to make sure it's clean before you put the broom away."

 

I do agree with the posters who recommend not "feeding" this. I finally realized that when dd did react this way, I'd try to explain and pacify, and often I'd send her to rest and finish whatever it was/delay the conversation/let her off the hook. So I told her that she was responsible for her emotional reactions, and that she was still expected to participate politely in discussions/complete her tasks/take responsibility for her actions.We took a lot of breaks in discussions, stopping until she was able to regain control. I think I got Joanne's idea from this board, too, measuring the situation (you were asked to resweep the floor, that's a 2 or 3) against the reaction (sobbing so hard you can barely catch your breath and throwing out accusations of hatefulness and screaming, that's a 10).

 

Cat

[fairfarmhand]

You can sit next to me on this train. Here's a cup of tea. It helps if you think of it as a movie and observe it with a scientific curiosity. I was sure it wouldn't happen to us. Our daughter was mature since toddlerhood . . .so smart, so level-headed. She was no match for the hormones. When she was 14 I asked a friend if 15 would be easier. She told me "No, but you'll be more used to it." My favorite is when you think you're having a lovely conversation, then WHAM suddenly "you're not listening" to her and she leaves in tears. You're left there stunned thinking "We were just talking about ice cream."

 

oh my. I have had these types of experineces so many times with this dd.

[Ghee]

At least I'm in good company. My 10 year old is about to send me over the edge. It took over and hour to do 21 simple math problems. She cried, slumped in the chair, howled every time I gently suggested actually writing out the factors to find the GCF. Yes, if I ignore her tantrum, she cries that no one loves her/no one cares/everyone hates her/people are laughing at her...

 

She's always been this way, too. She would actually sit around and MAKE herself cry. I almost think she enjoys the feeling of being out of control, she certainly loses it often over every day things. There is no reasoning with her, either. Anytime you try to point something out or make a suggestion, she wails louder and starts with the "but"s and "you aren't listening". I am listening, that's why I'm trying to offer you solutions.

 

My 13 year old called her a cry baby the other day and she bawled even louder and asked me what I was going to do about it. I wanted to scream YOU ARE A CRYBABY!!!! I didn't, just suggested she leave the room and get herself under control. If it gets worse at 14 or 15....I'm going to have to run away LOL

[goldberry]

:grouphug: My dd can be this way (note signature below!)

 

I read once though that when they tested teen's ability to read emotions (you know, the tests where they show people's faces, etc, and you have to identify the emotion) that a majority of teens failed miserably. They did way worse than adults. A teen is much more likely to "see" something that isn't there. They see everything through the filter of their own feelings. DD does not make it through a day without asking me why I am mad at her. After reading about teen brains, I try not to take it personally.

 

ETA, the book was Why Do They Act Like That. It was pretty good!

[applethyme]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I have the 6 year old version. I keep thinking if she is this way at 6, I may not survive the teen years.

[Remudamom]

my drama queen sees that as "You don't CAAAAAARRRRREEEEE!" And she will make it her mission to get a reaction one way or another.

 

I do hide out in the bathroom sometimes because I just don't know what else to do!

 

 

 

Well, we all know that I'm no diplomat, but my response to that would be "I care enough about you that I won't tolerate you acting like this." Only I'd probably insert another word.

 

But I don't have any drama queens around here.

[I.Dup.]

I have posted about my dramatic, strong-willed daughter before. I do have to say it's one of the greatest regrets of my life not to have gotten a handle on my emotions sooner, in my own life, not just related to my kids but related to how I have reacted to things over the years. It's something my parents never taught me (they don't even know how to handle their own emotions!) and so it's something I had to learn through the years with trial and error. I am determined to do better with my kids, at teaching them to CONTROL their behavior and that they can be masters of their emotions, their emotions do not have to control them. I don't think we are doing them any favors by making excuses or letting them get away with that kind of behavior.

[fairfarmhand]

 

That is *exactly* what the book The Optimistic Child teaches. How to structure their habitual internal thought to hit those questions and then reorder their reactions. And, rewiring those brain habits is important.

 

HA! The library has this one and it is checked in. I will be going tomorrow to pick it up. If it is as helpful as I am hoping, that may be one that I purchase soon too! Thanks for the recommendation.

[Joanne]

I believe that propensity to over drama is a life - skill liability. At her age, I'd sit her down and tell her. (This reminds me of a recent thread about negative orientations, about which I feel similarly).

 

The *content* of what she fuels her mind, and her reaction sustain and enhance the reaction. It's a cycle and habit. It has ramifications and consequences.

 

"Daughter, I love you. I love your passion. But there are some realities that go with your passion. Since that is your temperment, you'll need to intentionally bring some skill to it in order to minmize the negative consequences associated with it. This consequences include people wanting to avoid you, weary family members and friends, and occupational ramifications."

 

It never occured to me that I'd have to teach "scale" to a child. But some kids do not have an intuitive "scale" when it comes to where their contextual situation should be in terms of reaction. These same kids tend to feed the thoughts that put a situation that is a "2" at a level 7. There are common "thinking errors" that can be identified and discussed. A cognitive behavioral therapist can help, but you can google "common thinking errors" and help you help her (which will help you ;)) yourself.

 

I had to teach one of my kids logical emotional thinking and emotional intelligence. I had to *tell* them that "this situation is a 3; you are acting like it is a 9. This is what a "3" reaction looks like__________. This is what YOU look like ___________" And then we'd work through the thinking errors associated with the drama.

[fairfarmhand]

I believe that propensity to over drama is a life - skill liability. At her age, I'd sit her down and tell her. (This reminds me of a recent thread about negative orientations, about which I feel similarly).

 

The *content* of what she fuels her mind, and her reaction sustain and enhance the reaction. It's a cycle and habit. It has ramifications and consequences.

 

"Daughter, I love you. I love your passion. But there are some realities that go with your passion. Since that is your temperment, you'll need to intentionally bring some skill to it in order to minmize the negative consequences associated with it. This consequences include people wanting to avoid you, weary family members and friends, and occupational ramifications."

 

It never occured to me that I'd have to teach "scale" to a child. But some kids do not have an intuitive "scale" when it comes to where their contextual situation should be in terms of reaction. These same kids tend to feed the thoughts that put a situation that is a "2" at a level 7. There are common "thinking errors" that can be identified and discussed. A cognitive behavioral therapist can help, but you can google "common thinking errors" and help you help her (which will help you ;)) yourself.

 

I had to teach one of my kids logical emotional thinking and emotional intelligence. I had to *tell* them that "this situation is a 3; you are acting like it is a 9. This is what a "3" reaction looks like__________. This is what YOU look like ___________" And then we'd work through the thinking errors associated with the drama.

 

thanks for chiming in here Joanne. I was hoping you would comment.

 

How do I also teach her about reading people? So often she assumes that dh and I are angry or something, when it's not the case at all. We can be surprised or disappointed, tired or frustrated at something unrelated to her and she most always thinks that we are angry with her for no reason. She judges motives constantly.

 

Any suggestions?

[EmilyK]

I think I need to print out this whole thread for future use. Thanks even though I'm not the OP.

[winoelle]

I can so relate to this topic as I have a very emotional, sensitive, dramatic dd myself. And I am also much more toward the non-emotional end of the spectrum so it is really frustrating. What has been most effective for me is when I use the Love and Logic approach on a consistent basis. When things start to spiral I have a set of responses and I use them. ("I love you, too much to argue", "I will be happy to talk to you when your voice is as calm as mine", etc.) Aside from the practiced response, I go brain dead and do not engage. If I engage I feed it and it just gets worse. I have never had an experience when she was emoting in that dramatic fashion and conversation turned the tide. Later, we can discuss and reason, but in the moment it is silly to try.

 

And, FWIW, I think that a lot of the behavior is very manipulative for mine. She knows I love her and worry about her and how good a job I am doing. If she says that I must hate her, or think she's stupid, etc. it is because she is banking on that having an effect on me. That doesn't mean I don't think she is still feeling strong emotions, I do, but I also think there is manipulation going on.

[butterflymommy]

How I handle the drama-- I once refused to speak to my teenage DD for days when she was really, truly horrid. I know the silent treatment is childish but I had no interest in interacting with her. But generally speaking, if she's rolling her eyes, acting snotty to the extreme, accusing me of crap, I tell her she has to go to her room and stay there until she can act and treat others decently. She is already on semi-lockdown for failing math and has lost all privileges beyond books and watching TV with her dad so there's not much left to take away.

 

I have a tween daughter (different DD from above paragraph) who can act narcissistic-- with her I have to be incredibly strict and lay down the law. I've written about her elsewhere and how we've dealt with her if you want to search my posts.

[KrissiK]

My 6 year old is a drama queen and a lot of it is manipulation. She wants her own way, she wants to get her brothers in trouble, she wants... She wants... She wants. She's also a perfectionist, so failure gets her all bent out of shape, too. Even if it's just missing one problem on a speed drill.

[myfunnybunch]

How do I also teach her about reading people? So often she assumes that dh and I are angry or something, when it's not the case at all. We can be surprised or disappointed, tired or frustrated at something unrelated to her and she most always thinks that we are angry with her for no reason. She judges motives constantly.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I'm not Joanne (clearly :p ) but I have a daughter with autism who either misreads or just plain misses the emotions of others. I speak my emotions out loud. I am very deliberate about describing my emotions and the thought process that goes along with them because I want her to understand the internal dialog that takes place when people are trying to cope with negative emotions:

 

"When this happened ...... it surprised me. I feel surprised and disappointed right now. I'm going to take a few minutes to collect my thoughts because I want to be able to speak calmly and to listen to what you have to say."

 

"Hi honey, how are you? I'm feeling tired and upset about something else right now, but if you'll give me some time to relax, I want to hear about your day. Can I check in with you in about twenty minutes?"

 

"I feel angry right now. I feel angry because....., but I want to speak to you calmly so that you can hear what I say."

 

"I'm sorry, I think I sounded impatient, and I didn't mean to. I was distracted. Let me try that again. What I meant to say was....."

[PineFarmMom]

This is the same child who when I marked her papers wrong in the 6th grade told me that I made my x's so that they looked mean, and I did it on purpose to hurt her feelings and make her feel stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

That is really funny. Annoying, I know, but still humorous!! I have a fairly non-dramatic teen, and I tred carefully with texting her because I've found that if I make a request or ask about something that seems like a challenge and then don't add a :) at the end, she thinks she's in trouble or I'm mad at her. :laugh: I told her we really need to stick to verbal communication.

 

There are a couple of things I'd want to think on if I were you. 1), this behavior is going to make her life a living you-know-what if she doesn't get a handle on it now. People will avoid her drama. If she always takes things the wrong way, it will run people off because those kinds of conversations, those kinds of people can be just exhausting. Because of that and helping her get her character tuned up before leaving your home, I'd find a way, in a non-heated moment, to address this character flaw and how it will affect the future relationships and employment. 2), I'd want to let her know that I wasn't going to step on to her amusement park ride with her. She can ride that ferris wheel, that just circles and circles, all by herself and you'll be happy to discuss things with her reasonably after she has stepped off the ride. I know there is a supportive and age-reasonable way to handle this with a 15yo, and I don't know for sure what it is. The only thing I'd say is to agree with the other person who said that you tell her you are ONLY dealing with facts and instructions and not her varying feelings because those change.. Then if she starts all that mess up, I'd walk away from the conversation. It's a boundaries thing. That boundaries for kids or teens would be good in this situation I would think. I am starting to see that the sooner we can learn to lay feelings down the better off we are. I mean, how many mistakes would I make if I were perpetually PMSing and based all my actions on how I felt!! :laugh:

[hillfarm]

I have no idea. My DH is the same way, unfortunately. To him, unless I am hyper and happy bouncing off the walls, he tells me I am being p*ssy and gets mad at me, but heaven forbid I mention something when HE is in a truly carpy mood. *grumble* I can never just be in a somber mood, or not feel well, or just not feel like being hyper, without him jumping down my throat. If I don't respond to everything with a chipper tone to my voice, watch out. I hate it. ...and yes, I have said something to him about it multiple times, but it doesn't make a difference.

 

I have been guilty of telling my dh, "This is who I am. There is nothing wrong with it. I will have times of high energy and times of lower energy. This does not mean I am upset or negative. It usually means I need to recharge my energy level with some rest or that I am mulling over something important and most of my energy resources are directed elsewhere. I don't begrudge you the option of having variances in your energy levels and I am done with you griping about mine.

 

I am not a fake person and I refuse to pretend to be one to satisfy you. You have made me well aware that you don't like this aspect of my personality. I would appreciate it if you could keep your dislike to yourself, just as I refrain from crabbing at you about the parts of your personality I don't like. The reality is that all couples have a few things that they don't really like about each other. They just have to grow around those things. I love you very much but I had to get this off my chest so it would no longer fester."

 

Bottom line, unless you are married to Jesus Christ, Himself, you are not married to a perfect man. Nor is he married to a perfect woman. Time to grow up and get over the flaws and move on together. But please, don't let a dh or your dc try to make you think you are wrong for having your basic personality.

[fairfarmhand]

That is really funny. Annoying, I know, but still humorous!!

 

Yes, I thought it was funny and thought she was joking at the time. So I laughed at her. She was not amused.