WistfulRidge Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I'm not sure whether I'll actually hit "post" on this, but I feel like I need to talk to somebody (outside of DH... he knows all of this and I'm sure at this point hearing about it anymore will just make him feel worse - which he completely doesn't deserve) and I'll try to keep it short but it will still probably be crazy long. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or hugs, or prayers, or... I don't know. I just have all this crazy in my head and I'm tired of constantly losing it. DH has been unemployed since last April. We have lived with my parents since the end of July. At this point we are being completely supported by my parents (which really bugs us, but doesn't bug them - they see it as an investment in their care for the future). DH has been this close to a dozen or so jobs - all of which haven't worked out for an astounding variety of just weird reasons. (Only one was a legitimate "You're not right for this job/ we went with someone else" sort of thing). Right now he can't even get a minimum wage sort of job because my parents live in a college town - everyone would rather employ students. We are currently waiting to hear back about a job that really would be absolutely perfect for DH in an area that would be absolutely perfect for us as a family. Of course, we were supposed to hear back by the end of yesterday and we haven't. I'm trying to still be optimistic (because it was heavily implied that if they were offering him the job it would take a little longer to get back to him)... but really, I'm just tired. Oh, and I'm 34 weeks pregnant today and faced with the very real possibility that if this job doesn't work out that I will end up giving birth here, which I really, really don't want to do. Because if that happens I'm faced with the prospect of a huge fight with my dad (because despite being a staunch supporter of me having a home birth with DS2 it is somehow magically more dangerous/different now that I'm at his house), dealing with my mom (whom I love, but who will absolutely lose all the sense god gave her the second I go into labor), two younger siblings that will completely freak out, and absolutely no place where I can be alone. A hospital birth is completely out of the question unless it is medically necessary. Thanks to several experiences, most notably DS1's birth, I can't even walk into a hospital (regardless of whether I am there for myself or someone else) without having a panic attack so bad that I'm either blacking out or throwing up. Yes, I'm serious. DS2 needed an EKG when he was a week old and I spent the whole 40 minutes we were in there gagging into a trashcan while holding on to DS1 with one hand so that DH could stand by DS2 and talk with the Dr and nurses. I haven't had a good night's sleep since the end of August. That's when DS1 realized that we weren't going "home" and spent the next two and half months waking up and crying for multiple hours in the middle of the night, every night, because he wanted his bed. Now, even though both boys sleep through the night, I can't. I tend to sleep for the first hour and a half after I go to bed and then maybe 30-60 minutes again in the early morning. Between those periods of time every time I actually start to fall asleep I start having a panic/anxiety attack. I also spend most of each day either wallowing in the funk of depression, hovering at the edge of an anxiety attack, or both. I can't take naps. I've tried. I haven't been able to successfully take a nap during the day since I was 3 years old. Something about it just really freaks me out. I'm sad that I haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy because I've been so stressed. I feel like I've slighted this baby because I've just tried not to think about it in an effort to avoid any "extra" anxiety attacks. I'm sad that I'm this far along in my pregnancy and not only have I not gotten to do any of the fun "getting ready for baby" activities... but it is unlikely that I will get to do so (which also causes me stress - not to mention that all the stuff I already have is in storage 2,000 miles away). I miss being able to just be "us" as a family. I'm sad that I'm so tired that I can't hardly muster up the energy to play with my kids anymore... when they want to play with me, that is. Generally time with grandma, grandpa, and/or aunts/uncles wins out over time with mom. I'm sad for my DH. I feel like we've done all the "right" things and are being punished for doing so. I'm just... done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Hugs!!!! Prayers!!!!! Good Thoughts!!!! All being sent your way! My only advice would be to check whether there is a birthing center near you. The one here is VERY NOT LIKE a hospital - maybe it would be different enough that you could be there without as much anxiety? The center here has birthing areas that are more like a nice, washable hotel room. Nothing else except more Hugs, Prayers and Good Thoughts for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Regarding home-birth, I know someone who used someone else's house for various reasons...maybe that's a possibility? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 This all sounds so tough. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sending good thoughts your way and hoping DH gets that job. Just some thoughts... Should your DH look for a job elsewhere? Somewhere you could move to and away from the college scene? Can the family leave the house for your homebirth? We have friends who live with family and they left for their homebirth. There are 9 people in that house, so it can be done! Is there a birthing center in your area that doesn't look like a hospital? We have a few around here. It's like walking into a house, not a hospital, with soft lighting, bedroom, no visible medical stuff, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: No advice, but hugs and prayers are with you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Praying for you and yours! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljenn Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Hugs hugs hugs - the only advice I have is to look at your wonderful, loving family and be thankful for the things that are going right. That usually helps me a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: That's a heavy load. I hope things turn around for you very soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 You need to talk to your mom about not wanting a big fight about home birth with your dad. Is she the kind of mom that wil fight that battle for you with your dad outside of your hearing? My mom often had that role, and sometimes I tell DH how I expect him to respond to our kids over difficult issues. I know that sounds manipulative, but what is best for the family as a whole is sometimes what a woman has to do. By way of example, I let DH know in no uncertain terms that if he didn't like our son's Justice of the Peace wedding, he could complain to me all he wanted but he couldn't alienate my stbdil by disapproving in any way, period. No regrets either. Then, and ok, this is also manipulative too, but maybe necessary.... Could you talk to a trusted family member about encouraging both mom and dad to pretty much clear out of the house when you go in labor so that you can have that experience with dh and your kids only? I know it is their house, and they have been incredibly generous with it. But birth is special. Perhaps they would do that for you. I will pray dh gets that job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: because that's all I can offer right now. Sending positive energy your way in hopes for your dh to get that job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrdinaryTime Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 No advice, but know you have my good thoughts and prayers. That sounds very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdalley Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 If you want to come birth the baby at my house you can. Prayers that things start getting better right away. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry this pregnancy has been so emotionally tough for you. I 2nd the idea of finding someone else's home to birth at. Call the midwives and explain your problem. Maybe there's someone she knows who is willing to open her home for you. If not, I always found my mw's to be a sympathetic ear. I also agree that you should talk with your mom and let her run defense for you. I would also let her know how sad you are that you haven't been able to do any of the usual baby stuff. Maybe she'll have some ideas. But... what I really wish is that *my* daughter was as tenacious as you to have a homebirth. She's opted out for $$ and convenience. She's even gone so far as to choose a high-risk doctor practice because it's right on campus (she works at John's Hopkins) and free. She's not high-risk. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I like the ideas people are throwing out there. Maybe one of these thoughts might help. Also, I found pregnancy a bit depressing and it made me want my own space even more than usual. It's a blessing and all that, but it's hard and weird, too. I think in your shoes I would do a lot of "eyes on the prize" type thinking. In a few years, you will not be in this place. Without checking out entirely, I think looking ahead and planning for the next stage might help you get through this temporary thing. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 But... what I really wish is that *my* daughter was as tenacious as you to have a homebirth. She's opted out for $$ and convenience. She's even gone so far as to choose a high-risk doctor practice because it's right on campus (she works at John's Hopkins) and free. She's not high-risk. :crying: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmeraldGirl Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: Oh my, just really want to hug you and pray for God's best for your family. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: Please talk with your mother and your midwife and spell out your concerns. Perhaps your parents would be willing to spring for a hotel room for themselves while you labor and give birth, or perhaps you could stay at a hotel or someone else's home for the birth if your parents aren't willing to support your needs/desires. My midwife was an empty nester and she, for various reasons, had allowed some couples to birth at her home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I'm sorry. We've been through the unemployment, the living with parents, just not the pregnancy involved. :grouphug: :grouphug: It's tough even when everyone is agreeable to the situation. I hope you can someday look back on this as a bonding experience for the whole of your family. Until then, my thoughts are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I have btdt. Almost to a T. Dh was unemployed for a little over a year and a half, and we ended up moving in with his parents for the last 6 months of that. I was a few months pregnant when we moved in with them. I understand what you are going through. I really understand. I went through the crushing weight of depression and chest-tightening anxiety. And the guilt over the fact that you can't seem to do what you used to for your kids and that your baby won't have the same new baby experience your others had - oh my, SO hard. (((Many, many hugs to you))) I don't know that there is any one thing to say to make it all go away. Just know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be able to see it yet, but it is coming. I think not knowing when it will come is really the hardest part. I told someone once that if I had had a crystal ball and known that our journey would take as long as it did, I would have felt so much better. If i had had a date to hold out until, ya know? It's the waiting without knowing when it will stop that is agonizing. My story is that dh got a job and we moved when I was 39 weeks pregnant. I gave birth a week later. Honestly, dh did not get his dream job and we are still struggling, but we are supporting ourselves. We have enough food, a roof over our heads (that is ours!), and our kids are happy and thriving. I took those things for granted a little before, but not now. You will make it through the tunnel. It may not be perfect when you get out, but you will be able to breathe again, play with your kids again, sleep again. I will be praying for you and your family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. You've received some good advice above. I hope you find a way to alleviate your stress and that things turn around for your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I'm so sorry. Every bit of what you wrote just sucks. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 *hugs* Pregnancy really messes with your emotions, even during the best of times. I gave birth at Christmas and had lots of family around the house to help. But I just wanted to nest with my immediate family and get all the "helpers" out of my space. You have so so much more to deal with that it is perfectly understandable that you would be so overwhelmed. Hopefully writing it all down helped somewhat. Talk to your midwife too -- she may have some ideas that could help you out. *hugs*! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalypso Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Bless your heart. And I mean that in the most sincere "you poor sweet thing I hope everything gets better for you very soon" way. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I don't have any advice that hasn't already been posted, but I wanted to send you some :grouphug: I can absolutely understand why you're stressed out and frustrated. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilltop Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I'm so very sorry! You are dealing with a lot right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linguistmama Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I'm so sorry! That is so much to deal with! I would also suggest a hotel, even a cheaper Motel 6 type of place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 hotel birth. If you have any money socked away go to a nice one with a whirlpool tub, lol. Think of it, unlimited hot water! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Thank you everyone for you prayers, hugs, advice and well wishes. It did help, immensely, to just write it out and have people respond. I felt like I could actually breathe and enjoy the evening a little with my boys before tucking them into bed. I might consider a birth center if there was one I liked... but there, sadly, aren't any in the area. My parents live in a state that is not, politically/legally, very friendly to out of hospital births. There isn't anyone that I feel I could impose on to have a baby at their house (mainly because everyone that would let me also has very young children). I haven't seriously considered using a hotel, but perhaps I should give it some more thought. My mom goes to great lengths to avoid any form of contention/confrontation so I hadn't even thought of having her intercede with my dad, but I think I will talk that over with her and see if she is willing to do anything on that front and see what she thinks about everyone leaving during labor/delivery. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this topic with her because I think she is very excited about the prospect of "being there" for me while I have a baby but from everything I have heard from her about her births we approach labor/birth in very different ways. She very much liked attention, people asking her how she was doing, rubbing her back, telling her what to do etc. I'm very hands off, don't talk to me, touch me, or interact with me unless you absolutely have to. I've talked with her several times about that, but from the way she still talks it is fairly clear that it hasn't sunk in. So right now I just don't want her there at all because she will stress me out, but I don't want to hurt her feelings either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anabelneri Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I know it's not always an easy thing to make happen, but it really sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist-type person to work through some of your emotions. You've got a TON of stressors :grouphug: and could really use some professional support... it'll get you to a place of balance a lot faster than muddling through on your own. It's better for you and the baby for you to feel more balanced, both now and definitely once the baby comes... I would worry about PPD given everything you've got going on. If you don't have insurance to cover it, you might be able to find a community counselling center in the area that could help. Some places to start might be Catholic Charities (their counseling services are not religiously oriented) or Planned Parenthood... neither are guaranteed to have services, but they are a good place to ask. Sometimes the YWCA is another place to check. Good luck! You've got a lot on your plate; hopefully you'll be able to slow down and enjoy this baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 But... what I really wish is that *my* daughter was as tenacious as you to have a homebirth. She's opted out for $$ and convenience. She's even gone so far as to choose a high-risk doctor practice because it's right on campus (she works at John's Hopkins) and free. She's not high-risk. :crying: :grouphug: :grouphug: I made a similar choice with DS1 - I really wanted a home birth but the idea really freaked DH out. Plus, we didn't think we could afford it etc. I hated doctors (and doctors' offices) even then so I picked an OB strictly for his office's convenient location (within walking distance of our apartment - we didn't have a car at that point). Hopefully your daughter's experience will end up being better than mine was. :grouphug: I have btdt. Almost to a T. Dh was unemployed for a little over a year and a half, and we ended up moving in with his parents for the last 6 months of that. I was a few months pregnant when we moved in with them. I understand what you are going through. I really understand. I went through the crushing weight of depression and chest-tightening anxiety. And the guilt over the fact that you can't seem to do what you used to for your kids and that your baby won't have the same new baby experience your others had - oh my, SO hard. (((Many, many hugs to you))) I don't know that there is any one thing to say to make it all go away. Just know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be able to see it yet, but it is coming. I think not knowing when it will come is really the hardest part. I told someone once that if I had had a crystal ball and known that our journey would take as long as it did, I would have felt so much better. If i had had a date to hold out until, ya know? It's the waiting without knowing when it will stop that is agonizing. My story is that dh got a job and we moved when I was 39 weeks pregnant. I gave birth a week later. Honestly, dh did not get his dream job and we are still struggling, but we are supporting ourselves. We have enough food, a roof over our heads (that is ours!), and our kids are happy and thriving. I took those things for granted a little before, but not now. You will make it through the tunnel. It may not be perfect when you get out, but you will be able to breathe again, play with your kids again, sleep again. I will be praying for you and your family! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It brought tears to my eyes to find someone that has experienced pretty much the same thing. You are definitely right, it would be so much easier if I knew just how long I had to keep going! I am so heartily sick of waiting. I am very grateful to have family that is not only able, but willing, to help us out. I'm thankful that this pregnancy has been easy (no complications/ low risk etc). I'm glad that my boys have this opportunity to bond and have fun with family. I know my family is completely enjoying having them around and getting to know my DH better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 :grouphug: I hope he gets this job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I haven't seriously considered using a hotel, but perhaps I should give it some more thought. I think you should. I know that around here, this time of year the nicer hotels with whirlpools and the like tend to have cheaper rates. A few years ago, before dd was born, dh and I actually found a coupon in a local flyer for a lake resort with in-room whirlpools. Every room had giant windows overlooking Lake Superior. It was heavenly, and it was something like fifty bucks a night. You should go online and see what you can find for your area. You might be surprised. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I'm sorry for all you're going through. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Sorry you are going through a rough trot at the moment. I can understand you dad. I wouldn't want a my daughter having a home birth at my house. Instead I would be encouraging her to go to a hospital. I grew up in a house where my mother had some home births. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebacabunch Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I feel so bad for you! I can't imagine how stressful your life is right now! Here is some practical advice: I would SO not consider a hotel. I worked at a hotel. Just no. Besides, you could find yourself in a heap of trouble by giving birth in one. CPS could get involved or the hotel could even sue you. There are liability issues there. Also, you can't force your parents to be comfortable with you giving birth in their home. So, practically speaking find out what some good options are. I would expand your search for a birthing center. I would also ask your midwife about other options. It really sucks that this is one more dissapointment on top of so many others for you. Do you have a like minded friend? My bff would turn her home over to me in a second if I wanted a home birth and didn't have a home to have it in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I feel so bad for you! I can't imagine how stressful your life is right now! Here is some practical advice: I would SO not consider a hotel. I worked at a hotel. Just no. Besides, you could find yourself in a heap of trouble by giving birth in one. CPS could get involved or the hotel could even sue you. There are liability issues there. Also, you can't force your parents to be comfortable with you giving birth in their home. So, practically speaking find out what some good options are. I would expand your search for a birthing center. I would also ask your midwife about other options. It really sucks that this is one more dissapointment on top of so many others for you. Do you have a like minded friend? My bff would turn her home over to me in a second if I wanted a home birth and didn't have a home to have it in. I'm just wondering....sue you for what? What would the lawsuit be for? Giving birth isn't illegal, and I don't think the hotel rules say anything about giving birth, so what would they be suing for/about? I suppose the germ issue would be a factor in a hotel...I'd want to lysol it first, before having the baby, but other than that...not sure what you are saying would be the problem? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 My family owns a small hote (a nice quaint place)l and there is no way I'd give birth there. Yes housekeeping cleans and changes sheets etc., but there is no way in he!! I'd give birth in a hotel room. What people do in hotels room is unimaginable to normals folks who would never consider such stuff. People with a valid credit card, well dressed and a nice vehicle leave little rooms of horror behind that the next customer never sees. I won't/don't stay in hotels. Callie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 My family owns a small hote (a nice quaint place)l and there is no way I'd give birth there. Yes housekeeping cleans and changes sheets etc., but there is no way in he!! I'd give birth in a hotel room. What people do in hotels room is unimaginable to normals folks who would never consider such stuff. People with a valid credit card, well dressed and a nice vehicle leave little rooms of horror behind that the next customer never sees. I won't/don't stay in hotels. Callie Yeah, there's no way I'd give birth in a hotel on purpose either. That's just gross. :grouphug: OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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