s/o Duplicate names in extended family: Would you be offended...

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

...if a near relative (think cousin or closer) gave their baby the same name as your kid? I know it's different for each family. It came up because dh and I are expecting and we've run up against a problem. It's important to us that the name for our baby is from the Bible. But I come from a very big family and over half their names are from the Bible. Every name my husband liked, I have a brother, cousin or cousin's child with that name. I think that we shouldn't "steal" a name from a family member, dh doesn't think it matters. (But he comes from a family of 5 other people besides the kids and me.)

 

What says the Hive?

[Dana]

My cousin named her daughter something very similar to my son's name. She was very kind and asked me if we'd have a problem with them using the name. I don't know if they'd have thought of a different name if we were offended, so that would be something to consider if you ask the parents of the child with the name you'd like to use.

[Halftime Hope]

I would pick the name you like and if something is said, chances are that you can say something flattering about the name and those who chose it before you. My cousin and I both have sons with the same name, and she never questioned it. For the first few years it was "my N___" and "your N_____" but over the years it has worked itself out as one is an adult and one is a teen.

[kewb]

Whether or not I would be offended would depend on the family member. Feeling offended is probably more my issue then their issue. If you like the name and that is the name you want for your child then use it.

[dancingmama]

I think it would really depend. My kids both have cousins named Matthew (and they both use their full name) and we always have to sort which Matthew they are talking about but we now say Matthew on mom's side and Matthew on dad's side. My sister named her daughter (who is 2 months younger than my son) a name close to my son's but it was far enough different that it is ok (although I still tease her about copying me). If the kids will know each other well and there is no easy nickname for one or the other than I'd probably not go with it. If you plan on using a nickname that the other doesn't use, then go for it. Two Noahs would be really odd in one family. A Mike and a Michael, probably just fine.

[somo_chickenlady]

I wouldn't care at all. I have a cousin named Allison, and if we had ever had a girl I would have liked to use that name. I don't see my cousin more than maybe once a year or so (more like every 3 year or less often), and they call her Allie which I would use the full name instead, so not a big deal IMO. If someone wants to use DS's name, it wouldn't matter to me. There are few, if any, unique names anymore. I have a close (growing up) cousin named Sara, and a cousin named Carol Leigh (my name is Kara Leigh), not exactly the same but close.

[Guest]

It wouldn't offend me, but I think it's best avoided unless you infrequently see the cousin/whomever with that name. It bothers me more if it's a family member with the same last name, such that there would potentially be "Andy Jones, the 18-year-old and Andy Jones, the 5-year-old. It doesn't bother me at all if it's a middle name. Among my dh's family, 4 of us have chosen "William" as a middle name, after dh's father.

[Melinda in VT]

For me, whether you are talking about your sibling/your sibling's child or your cousin/your cousin's child completely changes the answer.

 

It would bother me if a sibling used my name, my husband's name, or the name of one of my kids. It would not bother me at all if a cousin used any of those names.

[jujsky]

I don't think I'd be offended, but I'd be irritated and annoyed. There are so many names out there so why steal the name I chose? I love the names Adam and Luke, but didn't name my son either name because I have cousins with those names.

[higginszoo]

Wouldn't bother me ... we have a few duplicates in our family and it doesn't bother me. (The only other little girl born in our church the year our youngest was born had the same name that they 'stole' from us ... the college nursery worker talked about how easy it was to remember the toddler girls' names LOL.)

 

We had kids before the rest of our generation, but if we thought someone might think that they had 'dibs' on a name, we asked the person in question (dh's younger sister) ... we both used the same name as a middle name, but ds and his cousin are 12 years apart, so I don't think many people even noticed. Youngest dd, s-i-l, m-i-l (and m-i-l's mother and HER mother) all have forms of the same name. If s-i-l has a dd, I have a feeling that they might use a form of that name, too ... dd is almost 8, so she and that cousin would be at least 8.5 years apart.

 

We did avoid our first choice with younger dd because dh's uncle and aunt have a little girl 8 mo older than her and they used it (family name). If they hadn't been so close in age, we wouldn't have had a second thought about it, but we figured it would make things confusing, since that branch tends towards not using nicknames, and the girls would have had the same first and last names.

 

Two of f-i-l's cousins (on the other end of the generation, closer to our age) have children a few years apart with the same name (one of the boys named after his dad, and so is the nephew) ... it does get mildly confusing, but everyone just considers it a natural consequence of using family names.

My middle name is after a great-aunt, the matriarch of my maternal grandmother's family. I am the oldest in my generation, and have her name as my middle name, but have gone by that name off and on my while life (it beats the made-up name sometimes) ... I have a cousin 2 years younger who has the same middle name. The next girl cousin in the family has that name as a first name, as does the first girl in another part of the family (we're all grand-nieces of the honoree ... everyone who had a girl named the first girl in some way after this favorite aunt) ... the two with the same first name go by different nicknames. While I was known by one of these nicknames sometimes as a young child, I am 8+ years older and never lived in the same city as this younger cousin, so it was never an issue ... though it might have been if I used the name more often, as we married men with the same last name.

[Spryte]

My cousin asked me about this recently, as she's hoping for a boy, and wants to use the family name we gave our son. I think it's cool! My father and his only brother will have passed the name on through their daughters. :)

[Spryte]

Just adding that she asked in a very kind, thoughtful way, though, and made clear that she'd choose another name if we objected.

[Reeciecup]

My son has a cousin almost the exact same age who has the same name as him, and my niece and I both share a name. It's not a problem, and I like knowing other people like the same names I like.

[GraciebytheBay]

My oldest was Jonathan for 24 hours. That is my nephew's name, but it didn't occur to me that it might be a problem. I figured that since we saw each other only once a year it wouldn't be difficult, but even if we saw him more, I would have considered it. We ended up switching names before we left the hospital, but not because it was the same name as dn.

[maize]

Two of my children share names with cousins, and there are other cousins in the family who share names. If you're not sure how your relatives feel I would just ask. Personally I think it's fun for the kids and gives them another way to feel connected to their cousins.

[DianeW88]

Nobody owns a name. You have just as much right to it as anyone else in your family, so go for it.

[nukeswife]

I wouldn't be offended but I would be kind of irritated. This actually happened to us in a way. We were having a baby and about 5 month later my dh's cousin wife was due with their 4th. Dh and his cousin got to talking about names and dh told them that if it was a boy we planned to name him Ethan Stanley. Well I had a girl and what do you know 5 months later they had a boy who they named Ethan Stanley. I was quite ticked, when dh asked how they came up with the name his cousin said "well we figured now that you have a boy and a girl you wouldn't need it anymore" Like they just assumed we'd never have more kids, which seemed odd since they had 4 and weren't planning on being done.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Thank you for all the responses. I think dh will really appreciate it, too. :)

[tabrizia]

I think it depends on family culture, and how close the relative is. I would not name my child the same name as one my siblings used, and would hope they won't use a similar name to one of my kids either. I won't deleberately use the same name one of my cousins used for their kids either, but I have a bunch of cousins especially on my Mom's side, so if one of them ended up using one of my kids' names or even my or DH's name I probably won't think much about it. Second cousin and beyond, meh whatever.

[Renthead Mommy]

If it was your husband's brother or male cousin's kids, where the first name and last name would be the same, I may think twice, but not if it's your side where the last names will all be different.

 

It used to be children were named after a father and grandfather. A man named John with a mulitiple sons could easily end up with a number of grandsons all named John.

[Alte Veste Academy]

It would bother me. It bothers me that it would bother me, but it would anyway.

 

Be sure to tread carefully when considering names of people (especially men) who have not yet had children of their own. If your brother hasn't had kids (or has but isn't finished), he might want a "junior" and could conceivably be annoyed that his name was given to his nephew, because it might not bother you if he passed down that same name but it might bother him and/or his wife. If he's absolutely done, you could ask him and his wife.

 

I get that it doesn't bother some people, but I also think respect and consideration should be granted to those who are bothered. I also don't think it is necessarily reliable or even fair to ask people if it is OK. [ETA: Here I mean if you want to use their child's name, as I think it would be OK to ask if you could use theirs if their child-bearing years are over.] That could create a tough situation for some people. So many people will say it is OK just to be polite and because they don't want to be a bear. I recognize that some people think it would be their own fault if they weren't honest when asked but, you know, that isn't the way life works sometimes.

 

My sister had her three kids ten years before I had mine and unknowingly used my lifelong favorite boy's name. Oh well. I wouldn't dream of using it for my own son. Plenty of others out there. Now, of course, my boys just totally fit their names and I couldn't imagine either as the old favorite, but I do remember what the disappointment felt like...20 years ago now! Wow!!

[Melissa in Australia]

other I would take it as a compliment that somebody named their child after one of mine.

[Annie G]

When we were expecting our youngest daughter, we wanted to name her the same name as my oldest sister's kid...different spelling. She mentioned that she thought it was a bad idea but never let it bother her. They have different spellings and dd has always been called Catherine and niece has always been called Katie. Fast forward- my daughter's name is Kim, and there are now two more Kims married into the family. So we have three Kims as grandkids (or married to grandkids) and we never get confused about which one we're talking about. It's become a joke that the rest of the unmarried grandsons need to marry a girl named Kim.

 

It's a name...not something you can claim exclusive rights to. People that get upset will get upset- it's their right. But if it's a name that suits you, I say go for it.

[freesia]

I am completely on the "no one owns a name" side. I think that if you have always loved a name, you should be able to use it no matter who has already used it. Two of my children share names with my cousins and one of my child has a cousin, 2 weeks younger with a very similar name. My Dad shared a name with his grandfather, uncles, a couple of cousins and, eventually, a grandson. Naming your child is a joy and you shouldn't have to put aside a name bc someone else "claims it."Lots of folks share names.JMHO

[Heather in Neverland]

Offended is a strong word. Irritated is more like it and I WAS irritated when it happened to me.

 

My dh only has one sibling. His sister had a baby boy and named him Devin. Then we had a baby boy and the name I had wanted for a long time was Evan. But we didn't name our ds that because we thought it would be rude (and corny).

 

So we named him Kyle. A few years later dh's sister has a girl and names her KYLIE.

 

What the heck????

 

I thought it was rude but whatever. I guess some people lack proper manners.

[ChristineW]

My sons will both have the same name as cousins that I see once a year at most (to be honest its been at least three years). However, I would not name my child after a sibling of mine or a siblings child. If we lived close enough to see the relative more than for a few hours every couple years I'd also reconsider the name.

[Ewe Mama]

If it would be the same as an infrequently seen relative, I would say go for it. If there will be a lot of shared holidays and visits, I would not do it. Dh, my father, my brother, and my uncle (mother's brother), all have the same first name. It is crazy trying to get the right person to answer a question or do something that needs to be done. I should have insisted that dh legally change his name before agreeing to marry him. ;)

[texasmama]

It would not bother me a bit if a cousin used the same name for her child as one of my kids. I would not have used the same name that one of my siblings kids (or dh's siblings' kids) were named. That would have caused issues since we all live close together. One of the names I very much liked was already being used by dh's brother's son so I crossed it off my list.

[SKL]

Hmm, let's see.

 

Each of my dad's sisters has a son named David.

 

My brother, my dad, and my dad's uncle and nephew all share the same name.

 

My sister shares a name with our ex-aunt. Another sister shares a name with an older cousin.

 

I share a name with a slightly younger cousin.

 

My cousin-once-removed and nephew, who were born almost the same day, share the same name.

 

My paternal grandfather and his grandson share the same name.

 

My maternal grandfather and his son share the same name.

 

As far as I know, nobody is offended.

 

ETA: My mom did skip her favorite name after learning that her sister-in-law had planned to use a similar name for a baby she miscarried.

[JennyD]

It would not bother me in the slightest -- I think it's kind of nice, actually. There are plenty of people in my large extended family who share names. (We generally use middle names to keep them straight.) Our tradition is to name after deceased relatives, and so there are at least four or five children in my kids' generation -- including my oldest son -- who are named after my late grandfather.

[Impish]

Nobody owns a name. You have just as much right to it as anyone else in your family, so go for it.

:iagree:

[Kathryn]

I wouldn't be offended at all. IMO, anyone that would be has issues. Nobody owns rights to a name. And for the majority of history, family naming conventions meant that MANY family members would have the same name. I just don't see it as a problem at all.

[Violet Crown]

I would be deeply offended if a sibling, cousin, in-law, or fourth cousin twice removed used a name I had already used up on one of my children.

 

I also get annoyed at people using other words I'm already using. I notice a few of you have used the word "name" in this thread. Quit.

[Reeciecup]

I would be deeply offended if a sibling, cousin, in-law, or fourth cousin twice removed used a name I had already used up on one of my children.

 

I also get annoyed at people using other words I'm already using. I notice a few of you have used the word "name" in this thread. Quit.

 

I just reused all of your just used words. So there :p

[arghmatey]

Wouldn't bother me at all!

[Kathryn]

 

 

I just reused all of your just used words. So there :p

 

 

Love this!

[mom2scouts]

I wouldn't be thrilled if a close relative used the same name as I had used for one of my children. I think it has the potential to cause lots of problems when they are together or people confuse which child someone is referring to in conversation. However, there was a name I had liked since I was a child and we used it for our second son. It wasn't until my in-laws came to visit us at the hospital (after we had already filled out the birth certificate) that we found out that my husband's cousin had a son with the same first *and* last name and it had the same spelling. The cousin lived in another state and dh didn't have any kind of a relationship with him, so the two children with the same name haven't met in 21 years and it has never been an issue.

[Heather in Neverland]

Second cousins twice removed... No problem

 

Generational names done as an honor to someone... Grandson named after grandfather... No problem

 

Common names that everyone has... David, Michael, Jennifer, etc. ... No problem

 

However, unique names that took time to think up... Like, say, Penelope. Or Xavier. That your sister then copies for her own daughter or son and her kids are close in age to yours and you see them frequently?

 

Yeah, that's rude. And a bit weird.

[SevenDaisies]

I have a cousin with the same name - never been a problem, but I have a very common name. We're it a unique name it might bother me.

[OrganicAnn]

I wouldn't hesitate if it were cousins that lived half way across the country or second, third or fourth cousins. Also I wouldn't hesitate if there was a big difference in ages. Also I wouldn't hesitate if you were both honoring the same person (hey we're both named after Grandpa Jacob). I would hesitate if they were close in age, lived close together, and it was an unusual name that the other family was particularly proud of.

[Oakblossoms]

I think if you use biblical names, you are going to end up with all the same names.

 

I voted yes, and I would discourage them...but that is in my own personal family...we are the only ones having kids and our names are really unique. It would be really awkward and obvious in our case if the next people coming to have children chose our children's names.

[jamijoy]

It wouldn't bother me. My dh and ds have the same first name.

 

We decided on the name Matthew for our 2nd ds and before he was born, it registered to me that dh's sister's longtime boyfriend's name was Matt and maybe they'd like to use that name. They weren't married at the time but we all thought they would be one day. I asked if she knew if she was planning to use that name and she told me that she wasn't, that she had another name in mind. They got married, she changed her mind, and they named their son after the dad, Matthew, but he goes by his middle name. I don't mind at all, and probably still wouldn't if he went by Matthew. It'd be a little confusing, but they are eight years apart. My b-i-l, Matt, always mentions what a cool name that my son Matthew has. :coolgleamA:

 

We named my youngest dd Anna and I never even thought about how dh's step-mom, who we have a great relationship with, is named Annie. We didn't name our dd after her at all (our kids came up with it), but she might think that maybe because we have named all of our kids after someone in our family (middle names). If anyone cares, it's all one-sided on them, because we picked names we like and are happy with them and don't care what others choose for their own kids. :)

[KungFuPanda]

You simply cannot call dibs on names. It's just silly. My father, brother, uncle, and cousin all share the same first name. It was never an issue for anyone. I think it would be weird to make a thing out of it.

[VeganCupcake]

While I don't think people have dibs on names, I do think it's kind of weird to have a lot of the same names in a family (though with Biblical names, at least, the better-known ones, it's probably going to happen). My BIL and SIL have given all of their kids middle names from the names of older cousins of the same generation (i.e. DH's brother's son's middle name comes from DH's sister's oldest son). I think it's weird, but I try to avoid names that are more common for our kids, so I am a bit biased.

[gardenmom5]

my grandmother came from a large family in a rural area. Her youngest sister, and her oldest neice (re: first grandchild) were born one WEEK apart. they have the same name (this was when phones were a luxury, and they temporarily lived in different states.). the first of *many* that came over the years. all that happened was:

some went by initials

some included their last name when being referred to.

some went by middle names.

[8circles]

It would irritate me. But that should have no bearing whatsoever on other people naming their children.

[LibraryLover]

Don't care, and not offended. I'm too private to tell you the names of some of my mother's grandchildren. They are so similar, it's comedic. ;)

 

One of my cousins (to whom I was not terribly close), gave her dd a name I had always planned on claiming. The thing was, she had a baby and I wasn't even pregnant. I felt a little sorry for myself, but that wasn't her problem. Not to mention, she named her child for the same person I wanted to name my child. She wasn't the only one with fond ties. Several years later, I did finally use the masculine version for one of my children.

 

There are only so many really good names. ;)

[Ruby Rose]

Four men in my family have a name in common. One goes by this name and one uses a shortened version. It is the middle name of two. My DD is named after a deceased relative and my cousin considered it for their daughter. I would have been fine with them using it as a middle name, but I wouldn't have like them choosing the same first name. Luckily they didn't.

 

Eta now that I think about it, 2 of my cousins have the same 1st name and are named after the same person. One goes by their 1st name, the other by their middle name. Looks like we are pretty big on carrying on family names. ;)

[misty.warden]

Well, I guess it depends on how common the name is. [snip] and I think it would be kind of rude to claim a religious name all to yourselves. If the name is something unusual like Courtland and a family member copies it, well that's a bit irritating. [snip] My mom really wanted to name me Crystal, but my 2nd cousin who I rarely see was named that the year before me, so I was named Jennifer. I had 5 Jennifers in one of my classes. Would it really be that big of deal to have the same name as my 2nd cousin when I'm known as Jennifer#5 in school?

 

Agreed. Perspective is where it's at. There will eventually be someone with the same name, or a similar sounding name and one must get over it. If you tell your sister you want to use the name Scheherazade or Joaquin and they use it too I think it would be a wee bit strange, however similar tastes aren't malicious intent to make you angry by using "your" name. If your sib/cousin/whatever is petty enough to choose a name for their child intending to one-up you, there are deeper issues and I feel bad for their kids being used that way.

 

You simply cannot call dibs on names. It's just silly. My father, brother, uncle, and cousin all share the same first name. It was never an issue for anyone. I think it would be weird to make a thing out of it.

 

My step-father's family has 5 people named Alan/Allen within 3 generations, guess what my son's middle name is. Further, my SO's brother's name is Jarrod, the exact name and spelling I wanted for a son since a decade before I met either of them. In that case I'd let my SO have veto power about having a son with his brother's name when I'm not planning on junioring, but his brother's opinion wouldn't matter to me. Likewise if someone had Misty as a favored name I wouldn't expect them to not use it because I'm around.

 

I think if you use biblical names, you are going to end up with all the same names.

 

You have a finite pool to choose from if you're devoted to the Biblical name thing. Don't let a chance of confusion make you change how you want to live your life. There's no such thing as too many people honoring Biblical tradition in the same family.

[Mom0012]

Well, the name I wanted for my dd was already taken by my SIL for her business. I considered using it anyway, but decided against it. I chose another name and it turned out that was one of SIL's dog's names. Surprise! She doesn't live close and she has a bunch of pets, so I didn't know. We got teased about that quite a bit.

 

My sister named her son the same as one of our cousins. It seemed a little funny at first and my mom didn't like the "duplication", but we've all gotten used to it and now no one thinks a thing about it.