Would you point out to a friend if you thought their child has Aspergers

[Ginevra]

This is someone I know rather well. I have not spent a lot of time in a situation where I would have observed her son, although I did previously think he was sort of whiny/easily upset. He went ToTing with my kids last night, and a lot of his behavior gives me pause. His dad remarked that he "gets like that," where he won't follow instruction or acts like he can't hear instructions. Dad was chalking it up to being tired - perhaps he is right, but it looked like more than that to me. He doesn't "buddy up" or seem to be enjoying the activity. He ToTed like a mechanical object. He would walk off in another direction and "go deaf" to instructions.

 

He is 4 years old. :sad: I don't know if I should mention my concerns or just see what happens. He is well-cared for in every way and I would expect that a true difficulty would soon be pointed out by teachers or others.

[hsmom2011]

n/m

Edited June 5, 2013 by hsmom2011

[NotSoObvious]

No. It irritates me to no end when people want to diagnose my dd. She is very symptomatic of autism, but does not have autism.

 

If it's such a close friend, then the parent will express concern to you and you can gently give your thoughts- when asked.

 

Sorry. We are all so quick to label kids these days. There will be plenty of adults in his life who are qualified to to that. Leave it to them. (Assuming there is no neglect, etc.)

[Impish]

What a hard situation.

 

On one hand, possibly bringing something up that they hadn't considered could mean that the child gets early intervention, and begins getting help that much sooner.

 

On the other...parents could get upset, angry, and refuse to hear you, so not only will they not consider what you have to say, but could cost you their friendship.

 

Honestly, given that you haven't spent much time around the kidlet, I'd probably keep quiet. If your friend brings up some difficulties the kidlet is having, you may have the opportunity to suggest that she read about Aspies, but I think I'd wait for that opportunity, rather than trying to bring it up on a pretty short experience w/the kiddo.

[Amethyst]

No.

[Soror]

I had a new friend and her son really was showing some autistic characteristics(for lack of better phrasing). She had expressed some concern and I did voice my opinion, but then again that is my personality. It was a very positive thing for all of us involved. They had thought something was off for a long, long time but couldn't vocalize it. They were just stuck in the loop of trying to punish out those behaviors and accepting it led to some much more productive behavior on their part. I know she was very, very grateful to me for speaking up and mentioned so many, many times. That being said it is not something I would mention to everyone I meet or every time I thought something.

Edited November 1, 2012 by soror

[Mergath]

Not unless said friend asked me my opinion.

 

And because you're thinking Aspergers, as opposed to autism, I'm guessing the symptoms seem more on the mild side to you, in which case it may be nothing. And four-year-olds can certainly have quirky days without needing a diagnosis.

[Night Elf]

Nah, I don't think that's a good idea. My ds16 has Aspergers and his behavior changed noticeably when he was 4 years old. He was a different kid than he was his first 3 years. We didn't have any opportunities to have friends at that age. I didn't know about homeschooling and he was in a preK program. It took me 5 years to get a diagnosis for him because I knew something was wrong but his pediatrician and a counselor disagreed. Behavior just doesn't change that quickly. But once he made a super good friend, he never had any problem being a great friend. And he did like activities like TOT'ing. The major behavioral change was having absolute meltdowns over frustration and anger issues. While I knew something was wrong, I'm not entirely certain I would have appreciated a non-professional suggesting diagnoses. Now, if the parents talk about it with you, you could talk about behavior in a roundabout way and say you've heard some similar behavior being attributed to high functioning autism or aspergers but I don't think you should just bring it up out of the blue.

[Guest]

No. It irritates me to no end when people want to diagnose my dd. She is very symptomatic of autism, but does not have autism.

 

If it's such a close friend, then the parent will express concern to you and you can gently give your thoughts- when asked.

 

Sorry. We are all so quick to label kids these days. There will be plenty of adults in his life who are qualified to to that. Leave it to them. (Assuming there is no neglect, etc.)

 

Point well taken. I'm glad I asked.

 

No, please don't. I have an oddball child. For years people told me they thought he was autistic. Well-meaning, yes. But incorrect. After intensive evaluation, we learned he is mentally retarded, not autistic. And it was better to get that information from an informed doctor than well- intentioned family and friends.

 

Most likely your friend already realizes something's odd about her child, even if she doesnt say anything about it. Just love on the child and be there for your friend when/if a diagnosis is found.

 

I'm sorry. This is exactly the irritation I do not want to cause.

 

Not unless said friend asked me my opinion.

 

And because you're thinking Aspergers, as opposed to autism, I'm guessing the symptoms seem more on the mild side to you, in which case it may be nothing. And four-year-olds can certainly have quirky days without needing a diagnosis.

 

He is of at least typical intelligence. I have seen some gifted or highly intelligent observations from him, so that is what makes me think Aspergers.

[Mergath]

He is of at least typical intelligence. I have seen some gifted or highly intelligent observations from him, so that is what makes me think Aspergers.

 

Ah, I see. If he's gifted, that alone could explain his behavior. I was a HG kid, and was just plain weird until... uh... well, I guess I still am. ;)

[DawnM]

:iagree:

 

Ask my opinion and I may tell you what I think it may be, but I will ALWAYS tell you that it *might* be. I would never give an opinion as any kind of fact. I am a former school counselor so people sometimes do ask my opinion, but I am NOT a Psychologist and even a psychologist would recommend a test for full diagnosis.

 

Dawn

 

Not unless said friend asked me my opinion.

 

And because you're thinking Aspergers, as opposed to autism, I'm guessing the symptoms seem more on the mild side to you, in which case it may be nothing. And four-year-olds can certainly have quirky days without needing a diagnosis.

[Dmmetler]

My DD was assessed as a preschooler because of autistic-like symptoms. Turns out they're VERY typical of gifted children when they're quite young. As one person on the team put it "She's too smart for her own good right now, and doesn't know how to manage it yet. Give her time to figure it out".

 

And I can tell you, it's really frustrating to have everyone and their grandmother touting the value of Early Intervention and how they can do SO MUCH for your child-only to have your back patted and be told "She's gifted! Congratulations!" And to be sent home with a child who still has all the behaviors, with no more understanding of what to do about them than you had when you went in and no help forthcoming.

 

My suggestion. Sit, talk, be a friend. If the mom has concerns, chances are high there will be an opening to make those observations.

 

I still consider my DD 2e, not just gifted-I'm reasonably sure that, were she in a full-day, regular ed classroom, her sensory issues would make school very, very difficult for her and would require accommodations to be made by the teacher, and interventions for sensory integration disorder seem to help her dramatically. But many of the symptoms which were so troubling at age 2-3-4 now really aren't.

[Mommyof4ks]

No, I would not. My son acted just like that for years, but he has auditory processing issues, and I was irritated by everyone who thought they knew my son better than me.

[....]

My DD was assessed as a preschooler because of autistic-like symptoms. Turns out they're VERY typical of gifted children when they're quite young.

 

:iagree: I have a 7 yro with on-and-off symptoms of mild Aspergers.

[QueenCat]

Probably not... coming from a parent of a child with Aspergers. There is so much more to Aspergers than the few things you mentioned. And the signs you did mention can fall under the range of sometimes normal behavior, giftedness or ADHD. If the parents are involved parents, their are professionals, such as pediatricians, in their lives, who are looking for these things. Unless they ask you, I'd say nothing.

[G5052]

Not unless said friend asked me my opinion.

 

And because you're thinking Aspergers, as opposed to autism, I'm guessing the symptoms seem more on the mild side to you, in which case it may be nothing. And four-year-olds can certainly have quirky days without needing a diagnosis.

 

That age is pretty uneven and there's a lot going on developmentally. Because he's basically functioning, I'd give it time. I had a kid just like that, and various people did indeed give me "the talk." It ended up as giftedness with some awkward social behavior. Now as a teen, it isn't a big deal at all.

 

I teach local classes for 4th grade and up, and were I've seen developmental and/or learning issues, I do mention it to the parents. Completely offline and away from the kid though. Most of the time they ignore me, but intervening in the "tween" years is appropriate IMHO.

[Parrothead]

I wouldn't say a word.

[jelbe5]

No, I would not voice my opinion unless asked.

[Kathryn]

I wouldn't come right out and say it based on what you've said here. But, if she voiced any concerns to you at all, I'd validate them and say that you had noticed concerning behaviors and she should contact her doctor. My older son has autism. That has nothing to do with his IQ, which was tested above average even with him refusing to do parts of the test and doing others wrong on purpose because he thought it was funny. They called him "high functioning," but still autistic instead of Asperger's because of the symptoms he exhibits in deficits in social behavior, repetitive behavior, AND communication deficits. If just one person would have validated my concerns, he would have been diagnosed years earlier. But everyone dismissing me made me think I was just crazy. The first time someone mentioned her concerns to me, I went straight to the doctor and was referred to a developmental pediatrician where he was easily diagnosed.

[Samiam]

I'd be offended if you offered such un-educationed advice to me. By that I mean, you are not educated in Aspergers other than what you may have read online. You are not trained to diagnose. And I don't think you have personally experience a child with Aspergers so you can't even use that as your background experience.

 

Now had I brought up my concerns TO you, and we had a gentle back and forth conversation about what you thought, that's me bring it up to you, me wanting to get advice. But you offering it unsolicited, unless you have experience or training with Aspergers, I'd not be happy to have a friend who is judging my child so harshly.

 

4 year olds are quirky in general.

[In the Rain]

No, I wouldn't say anything. I think a good pediatrician would pick up on the things you mentioned, if they are severe enough to be concerned about. Our pediatricians note things about my kids and ask further questions.

[Dandelion]

Probably not... coming from a parent of a child with Aspergers. There is so much more to Aspergers than the few things you mentioned. And the signs you did mention can fall under the range of sometimes normal behavior, giftedness or ADHD....Unless they ask you, I'd say nothing.

 

As a mom of a child with Asperger's, :iagree:

[Guest]

I wouldn't come right out and say it based on what you've said here. But, if she voiced any concerns to you at all, I'd validate them and say that you had noticed concerning behaviors and she should contact her doctor. My older son has autism. That has nothing to do with his IQ, which was tested above average even with him refusing to do parts of the test and doing others wrong on purpose because he thought it was funny. They called him "high functioning," but still autistic instead of Asperger's because of the symptoms he exhibits in deficits in social behavior, repetitive behavior, AND communication deficits. If just one person would have validated my concerns, he would have been diagnosed years earlier. But everyone dismissing me made me think I was just crazy. The first time someone mentioned her concerns to me, I went straight to the doctor and was referred to a developmental pediatrician where he was easily diagnosed.

 

That's the thinking that led me to think perhaps I should say something. Especially because the dad apparently noticed that his behavior is a bit "off," because he mentioned that his son "gets like that," without my mentioning a word.

 

I'd be offended if you offered such un-educationed advice to me. By that I mean, you are not educated in Aspergers other than what you may have read online. You are not trained to diagnose. And I don't think you have personally experience a child with Aspergers so you can't even use that as your background experience.

 

Now had I brought up my concerns TO you, and we had a gentle back and forth conversation about what you thought, that's me bring it up to you, me wanting to get advice. But you offering it unsolicited, unless you have experience or training with Aspergers, I'd not be happy to have a friend who is judging my child so harshly.

 

4 year olds are quirky in general.

 

I'm pretty shocked that anyone would find it outright offensive the way you are. :confused: One of my children has some "off" behaviors and I spent a couple of years searching for answers as to why he had those behaviors. Had anyone said they thought his behavior was unusual, I would have felt relieved that someone else saw my concerns. The worst thing that happened was when folks, like my MIL, babysat him and said, "He's just fine. I don't know what Quill's concerned about."

[RoughCollie]

If just one person would have validated my concerns, he would have been diagnosed years earlier. But everyone dismissing me made me think I was just crazy.

 

I agree with validating only. One of my kids has Asperger's and the another edges very close to it with nonverbal learning disorder. For years, their pediatricians and my DH thought I was nuts when I said something was wrong. My friends did not think anything was wrong either, that they would admit to. I think everyone thought the boys had delays due to their extreme prematurity.

Edited November 1, 2012 by RoughCollie

[KarenC]

I wouldn't say a word unless asked for my opinion. Even then I would speak very carefully. If this boy is on the spectrum, he'll have a hard enough time making friends. I would just try to be supportive.

 

Karen

[RoundAbout]

If you are going to bring up concerns, please bring the actual behaviors and do not offer a diagnosis. I have a kid who toe walks, which is one of the signs of Aspergers. It turns out he has an orthopedic issue including a leg length discrepancy and muscle weakness in one leg. He's been through MRI's, physical therapy, and neuro testing (to rule out Cerebral Palsy, Muscular Dystrophy, etc.). It turns out its just a physical problem. I would be offended if someone assumed my kid has Asperger's based on one or two traits. I also wouldn't assume the parents aren't dealing with it. I don't share my son's medical history with people casually.

[texasmama]

Haven't read other replies...

 

Whether or not I broached the subject would depend greatly on the relationship I had with the parents, whether or not I felt they would be open to a gentle bit of opinion from me and whether or not they were concerned about him.

 

Because of my professional experience with kids on the Autistic spectrum, I tend to notice red flags in kids. I have been in situations in which I was able to give some feedback when a parent raised a concern to which I could relate my comments. However, I have always waited for a parent to express some concern. I also never offer a specific diagnosis because that is not my role. If a parent expresses concern, I suggest an evaluation.

 

When I worked as a therapist with kids whom I suspected fell on the Autistic spectrum, I took much the same approach with a bit more broaching of the subject and gently presenting the possibilities while encouraging a full evaluation with a local center which specializes in these evaluations.

 

In my experience, giving information and opinions when the parents do not express concern and are not open to hearing that their child may not be neurotypical is counterproductive.

Edited November 1, 2012 by texasmama

[Jennifer3141]

As a parent with a child on the spectrum, no I would not. This is not information I feel the need to freely share with everyone about my kids, unless necessary. I realize some would figure it out on their own. The parents may already know. Some of this could just be typical quirky 4yo behavior.

 

 

I have an Aspie son and no, I did not appreciate it when people pointed out that DS had some of the classic symptoms. For one reason, we were already pursuing diagnosis and we had been since DS was 16 months old. People close to us whose opinions I respected and needed knew this and I valued a second parent's opinion.

 

The other reason... when it comes to "quirky" autism stuff (not the hand-flapping, rocking, non-verbal kind; that has a whole other handful of problems with it) there are so many stupid things the people think are complimentary which are really pretty hurtful.

 

The math thing used to drive me INSANE. "Hey little guy. You don't like to talk to me? I bed you're doing math problems in your head. You're going to be great with computers when you get older!" I'll translate that one for you: "Screw creativity, kiddo. You've got a life as a solitary computer programmer ahead of you!"

 

I have no idea what either of my kids is going to be when they grow up. But I didn't want anyone telling DS what he had to be when he was 3-4 years old.

 

With a 4 year old, your friend could be struggling with family and friends saying things like this to her all.day.long.

 

My Mom still wonders if DS will be the next Einstein. :glare:

[Sara in AZ]

My MIL has Aspergers. Several years ago we were visiting my husband's sister and she began suggesting that my DD, who is extremely shy, might have Aspergers like MIL. DD had been acting s little off on that trip, mainly because she was out of her comfort zone. But we began looking up the listed of Aspergers traits, and I grew more and more stressed out. I was really starting to talk myself into thinking maybe she did. Bottom line is that DD does NOT have Aspergers, and SIL was out of line. I wouldn't go there with your friend.

[BlessedMom]

No

[Twilight Woods]

As a parent with a child on the spectrum, no I would not. This is not information I feel the need to freely share with everyone about my kids, unless necessary. I realize some would figure it out on their own. The parents may already know. Some of this could just be typical quirky 4yo behavior.

 

 

:iagree:

[DianeW88]

No. When I served as my church Nursery Leader, I had two children in my class that I could tell were somewhere on the spectrum. Those two kids were between the ages of 18 months and 3 years. It was obvious to me, as I've had many years of experience, and seen more kids than I count with an autism diagnosis. The parents had no clue. Each child was the oldest in their family, and they had no experience with what was developmentally appropriate behavior.

 

I did not tell them. It wasn't my job, and honestly, no parent reacts well to that. Even in a ped's practice, after testing and coming from the doctor's mouth, parents still (understandably) have a negative reaction.

 

Both children were diagnosed and received treatment when they began school, and are doing really well.

[wapiti]

No way.

 

I've been trying to figure out what rubs me wrong about this, as even my own mother suggested that ds9 might be autistic back when he was 4 after watching a tv show (he has had SPD and has plenty of 2e quirkiness but he is not on the spectrum and has been through extensive testing for his issues). I'm not sure - maybe it's that the diagnosis can be so difficult to make even for experts that the suggestion from a one-time casual observer comes off as arrogant. Maybe that's not the right word - I can't quite put my finger on why I'd feel offended or insulted (eta, perhaps because I've looked at the diagnostic criteria myself, and would feel it to be an insult to my judgment? or perhaps because I know my ds, intuitively, better than some random person? Honestly I don't know why I'd have a negative reaction, as I'm not opposed to understanding more about how my kids learn, LDs, etc.).

 

Anyway, I can see my current 4 y.o. potentially acting that way while ToTing or even at other times, and he is normally-developing.

 

I also thought of another possibility - perhaps the kiddo had some candy and reacted to sugar or food dye, etc. My little ones (3 and 4) were allowed one piece of candy after TOTing last night and momentarily went wild...

Edited November 1, 2012 by wapiti

[RoundAbout]

No way.

 

I'm not sure - maybe it's that the diagnosis can be so difficult to make even for experts that the suggestion from a one-time casual observer comes off as arrogant. Maybe that's not the right word - I can't quite put my finger on why I'd feel offended or insulted...

 

I think its because the OP said that she has not spent a lot of time observing the child. In that case I wouldn't let observations on one night, particularly on Halloween where kids might be tired, sensitive, amped up, weirded out, or whatever... be the basis on which to judge or bring up issues. It would be totally different if this were a preschool teacher or other caregiver who has spent a lot of time with my child.

 

Whenever friends bring up their casual concerns with me I always say "What does their pediatrician or preschool teacher think?" Even knowing kids from a once-a-week play date is not enough for me to bring up something as serious as this, especially when I have no experience.

[Bearcat]

No.

And here are two experiences from my life that illustrate why I say no.

 

A friend of my MIL once tried to diagnose one of my MIL children. The friend was convinced that the child had ADHD. The child did not and my MIL got rather upset with the friend and their friendship suffered greatly because of it. Maybe my MIL should not have taken such offense but when an unqualified person tries to diagnose your child it can cause contention.

 

I have a friend with a son who displayed "classic symptoms" of autism for years. The father is a doctor and he even he thought his son probably had autism. They had him tested (a number of times) and every time the results came back that he is not on the autism spectrum at all. People are often commenting on this boys behavior and telling my friend that her son has autism. It gets old and aggravating very fast.

As the boy has aged much of the symptoms that he displayed in years past have lessened or vanished.

[Elizabeth in MN]

As a parent with a child on the spectrum, no I would not. This is not information I feel the need to freely share with everyone about my kids, unless necessary. I realize some would figure it out on their own. The parents may already know. Some of this could just be typical quirky 4yo behavior.

 

Respectfully, I disagree. If someone had noticed when my DD was four and suggested the idea to me I would have pursued it. Instead of an early intervention we've had to start in her almost teen years when it's harder to learn new behaviors.

[ElizabethB]

I have several friends with children on the spectrum. Those that got early intervention are now as young pre-teens and teens much better off than those that did to get intervention until later. In one case, a child that was actually totally non verbal and was not potty trained until late is now thriving in middle school and should be able to live on his own. He now tests as not on the spectrum, although you can see signs if you know what to look for.

 

Seeing the difference that early therapy can make, I would bring up the possibility if I suspected it at all. I would rather help someone out in the long run even if it hurt in the short term.

[kubiac]

Quill, for the record, I asked virtually the same question a few months back and got virtually the same answers. I do think something is afoot with the child I know, but I've made my peace with the fact that this is a family issue and not my situation to meddle in.

 

Ideally the kid will equalize himself naturally, but if he doesn't, apparently the normal path is for Asperger's kids to be referred and diagnosed at about age 8 or so. In the meantime, I'm taking the counsel of the good women here and just trying to be a good listener and friend to my mom-friend.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Respectfully, I disagree. If someone had noticed when my DD was four and suggested the idea to me I would have pursued it. Instead of an early intervention we've had to start in her almost teen years when it's harder to learn new behaviors.

 

I had dd when i was 17, i think i would have been open to the idea of getting help with her. It wasnt until dd was almost 6, and i was filling out tons of paperwork for ds, that i noticed something was off.

 

With ds, i'd be annoyed, but only because i've gone through so much with him and the most common diagnoses thrown out have been ruled out.

[Soror]

I have several friends with children on the spectrum. Those that got early intervention are now as young pre-teens and teens much better off than those that did to get intervention until later. In one case, a child that was actually totally non verbal and was not potty trained until late is now thriving in middle school and should be able to live on his own. He now tests as not on the spectrum, although you can see signs if you know what to look for.

 

Seeing the difference that early therapy can make, I would bring up the possibility if I suspected it at all. I would rather help someone out in the long run even if it hurt in the short term.

 

:iagree: The mother I mentioned it to was able to pursue some things that made a HUGE difference for the family and the child. I think she was waiting for someone to vocalize what she saw.

[MomatHWTK]

Nope. If someone asks my opinion, I might give it. If they were specifically talking about their child's behavior (i.e. "I don't know why she does that!), I might suggest some ideas. But just to bring it up, no.

[ElizabethB]

If you saw someone's child had a broken leg that could be fixed but only fixed well if caught early, would you tell them?

 

An older child that it won't make a difference, I would not bring it up, but someone in an age range where help can make a huge difference, I would err on the side of being able to get help for the child.

[Loowit]

I have been just as frustrated with those trying to diagnose my children as those that try to tell me everything is fine. I know that my children have special needs. I didn't want to discuss it with others most of the time. When people know my children have diagnosed special needs they treat them different and coddle them or the other extreme of telling me that they think the doctors are wrong and that "these things are over diagnosed". Neither are things I want to deal with.

 

If a parent brought up their concerns I would encourage them to get an evaluation, because early intervention is best, however, I would never just bring it up.

[Dmmetler]

No.

And here are two experiences from my life that illustrate why I say no.

 

A friend of my MIL once tried to diagnose one of my MIL children. The friend was convinced that the child had ADHD. The child did not and my MIL got rather upset with the friend and their friendship suffered greatly because of it. Maybe my MIL should not have taken such offense but when an unqualified person tries to diagnose your child it can cause contention.

 

.

One of my friends once told me that it doesn't matter how much you like or respect a professional-it's difficult to impossible to have a positive relationship with the person who first diagnoses your child with a serious, life-long condition, because they're responsible, whether it's justified or not, for the change of so many dreams/plans you have for your child that you have trouble separating them from their message. I know in pregnancy loss groups I've been in, many moms have changed their OB-GYN practice after losing a baby for the same reasons.

 

Which is all the more reason why you should be very, very cautious about diagnosis a friend's child-because if you want to keep them as a friend, it's likely to have some of the same effect. FWIW, I stopped keeping any form of contact with the people who were convinced that DD was autistic soon after discovering that she wasn't. Maybe it would have happened anyway, since the kids were getting to the age where they were starting formal preschool/K type programs-but a big part of it was simply because it was too annoying to have to keep justifying that "NO, she's NOT autistic-the specialists say this is normal behavior", and that so many of these women would make their observations within DD's earshot, which led to a very upset child, convinced something was wrong with her and that she was dying (save me from an overly observant, emotionally immature preschool-age drama queen!)-and didn't listen to my requests not to talk about my child in front of her because they believed that a 2-3 yr old couldn't POSSIBLY understand what they were saying.

[Guest]

Quill, for the record, I asked virtually the same question a few months back and got virtually the same answers. I do think something is afoot with the child I know, but I've made my peace with the fact that this is a family issue and not my situation to meddle in.

 

Ideally the kid will equalize himself naturally, but if he doesn't, apparently the normal path is for Asperger's kids to be referred and diagnosed at about age 8 or so. In the meantime, I'm taking the counsel of the good women here and just trying to be a good listener and friend to my mom-friend.

 

Good to know. I've got to say, I am totally stunned by some of these remarks. :confused: I do know it's a sensitive thing to suggest to a friend that you observe some oddities in their child - that is why I asked. However, I cannot understand someone being "offended" that someone is "judging" their kid. That is totally baffling to me! FWIW, this is not an acquaintance I just met over lunch last week. I've known this family for over a decade, including the circumstances of this little boy's conception and birth which was traumatic. It's not the first time I've ever thought he was a bit of an outlier in behavior; it's just probably the first time that I've been in a setting where I was persistently observing him. The kids were trick-or-treating, so my focus the entire night was what the kids were doing.

 

Anyway. All that to say I cannot imagine why someone would be *offended* that a good friend was concerned about their child. I can see how it could be annoying if you've heard it 20 times already - and of course, I would never dream of saying something where the child or the child's siblings could hear it! But just to say, "I'm worried about a couple of things I notice with BooBear..." I just don't see why that would be *offensive*.

 

It is also not the first time I thought a child was on the autism spectrum before the parent got a dx. In that case, it was someone I had only just met and I assumed he had probably already been diagnosed and that the mother rightfully had not mentioned it. I said nothing about it, which I think was correct. It was a few months later, though, that she had him tested upon a teacher's suggestion and learned that he had HFA.

[annandatje]

Would you point out to a friend if you thought their child has Aspergers ?

 

No.

[stripe]

Anyway. All that to say I cannot imagine why someone would be *offended* that a good friend was concerned about their child.

 

My husband finds Americans to be extremely touchy about any perceived criticism. He finds it hilarious and weird. But I think the idea is, you are daring to say my child is not perfect, and that offends me.

 

I think it's a delicate situation. I emailed my cousin something about a physical issue one of my kids also has. I never got a response (never hear from this person anyway) but I didn't want to NOT say something.

[Guest submarines]

No I would not. I don't buddy up with people and I don't enjoy trick or treating. I am pretty sure I do not have Aspergers. There are plenty of other explanations for the behavior in that situation.

 

:iagree:

[Guest]

My husband finds Americans to be extremely touchy about any perceived criticism. He finds it hilarious and weird. But I think the idea is, you are daring to say my child is not perfect, and that offends me.

 

I think it's a delicate situation. I emailed my cousin something about a physical issue one of my kids also has. I never got a response (never hear from this person anyway) but I didn't want to NOT say something.

 

Heh. Yeah, I've heard that said of Americans. Maybe that's where it's coming from.

[Nakia]

You know, it's a weird thing. I have a child with ADHD. I know she has it, she has been diagnosed, and she takes meds. Do I want someone poking around in it? No, I do not. Honestly I just don't want anyone to talk about it. I'm not ashamed of it. But we don't dwell on it. It's just life to us. Maybe they know what's up with their kid, if anything, and it's just life to them.

 

I have another child who is, and always has been, quirky. Now we are getting ready to have her tested for ADD, LDs, and God knows what else. It is breaking me in pieces. Am I overreacting? Perhaps I am. Do I want anyone to give me their opinion? No, I don't. Not right now. I'm raw.

 

Quill, you are a sweet sweet lady! I know you would NEVER say something to hurt someone. You have always been just the nicest person here on the boards. But I honestly wouldn't bring anything up. Maybe the mom knows something is going on. Maybe they are pursuing testing. Maybe they are totally in the dark. Who knows. But just from what you've said, I'd just keep watching and wait for her to (possibly) say something to you. Then you can validate and support her feelings and thoughts.

 

Even though I know none of us mean harm, just suggesting something might be "wrong" with someone's child, harms sometimes. It just does. I don't know why we (general "we"), as mothers, are so sensitive about it, but most of us are.

 

Enough of my blabbering. I'm just at a tough spot right now with my own daughter.

 

Bless you, Quill. :grouphug: