WWYT: is this the norm for 2nd weddings?

[Canadianmumof5]

So my sister is getting married in a month - 2nd marriage for both. They have 4 kids combined, a house, all living together for the past year, etc. Their wedding will be small (50 people). There is a lot of drama going on with her.

 

We used to be very close. After her 1st marriage ended, she was understandably devastated. We all rallied around her and helped her as much as we could. Within 2 months of her husband leaving her & the kids - she started dating someone new and things started moving VERY fast. When she asked for my opinion on things, I was very honest with her. Told her to slow down, take some time to grieve her ex and spend time with her kids, etc. She didn't listen and got really upset with me - I guess I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. Meanwhile all of her "friends" were telling her that it was great she was moving on, how she needed to look after herself, how her ex was a total you-know-what, how it should be all about her from now on, blah, blah, blah.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short - we haven't talked much or seen each other much.

 

My aunt forwarded me an email she got this week for a surprise wedding shower for her. I didn't get an invite. Probably because I recently changed my email address and the organizers wouldn't have it? The shower is this weekend.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1. Am I right in feeling annoyed with the organizers that they didn't bother to call me to let me know about this? I am the only sibling.....and they do know where I live, my last name is very uncommon & it would be very easy to find my phone#.

 

2. Is it normal for showers to be thrown the 2nd time around? Maybe I am old fashioned in my thinking but I didn't think you did this? Most especially when you already have a house, etc. all set up? It would be like me having a baby shower for #5?

 

3. Isn't it tacky to ask for money??

 

Here is the email:

 

Hi Ladies:

We are hosting a surprise wedding shower for Jane.

Here are the details:

Date: August 12th

Time: 5pm

Place: xxxx

 

Please join us in celebrating Jane's upcoming nuptials. The theme of the surprise shower is "honeymoon". In lieu of a gift, Jane would really like to take Dick on a honeymoon right after the wedding so a monetary contribution will come in handy for her :)

 

We will be providing appetizers & dessert.

 

Please RSVP ASAP.

[Catwoman]

Well, that's just about the tackiest thing I have ever heard.

 

Come to a party! And BRING CASH! :glare:

 

Obviously, it is not a surprise shower, or the organizers wouldn't know that they should be asking for honeymoon money.

 

If I were you, I'd stay home and be glad I dodged the bullet.

 

(Did you ever think that maybe you weren't invited because your sister knew you'd think she was doing a tacky thing and didn't want to talk to you about it?)

[Canadianmumof5]

Well, that's just about the tackiest thing I have ever heard.

 

Come to a party! And BRING CASH! :glare:

 

Obviously, it is not a surprise shower, or the organizers wouldn't know that they should be asking for honeymoon money.

 

If I were you, I'd stay home and be glad I dodged the bullet.

 

(Did you ever think that maybe you weren't invited because your sister knew you'd think she was doing a tacky thing and didn't want to talk to you about it?)

 

Bring cash and since the party is at 5pm in a restaurant, expect to pay for your own dinner to boot.

 

Technically, I didn't receive the invite so no, I won't be going. Besides, both my boys have their championship games on Sunday so I certainly won't be missing those.

 

And yes, the thought did cross my mind that perhaps the invite wasn't lost in the mail so to speak........although I do think her desire for $$$ would trump that.

[Crimson Wife]

It's not that unusual for 2nd time brides to get a wedding shower, but they're usually "theme" showers (lingerie seems to be the most popular theme I've seen) rather than a traditional housewares one. A cash shower seems pretty tacky IMHO.

 

I don't really know that many 2nd time brides, however.

[Catwoman]

Bring cash and since the party is at 5pm in a restaurant, expect to pay for your own dinner to boot.

 

:svengo: :svengo: :svengo: :svengo:

 

OK, now we are way beyond tacky! :ack2:

 

If I were you, and you think there's even the slightest possibility that you might receive a last minute invitation, don't answer the phone and switch your answering machine to the pre-programmed generic greeting so you can say it was broken and you never got their message. :tongue_smilie:

[scrappyhappymama]

 

2. Is it normal for showers to be thrown the 2nd time around? Maybe I am old fashioned in my thinking but I didn't think you did this? Most especially when you already have a house, etc. all set up? It would be like me having a baby shower for #5?

 

3. Isn't it tacky to ask for money??

 

 

 

Well, my friends just gave my family a shower for our fifth baby, and we didn't even have the excuse of a new gender. :001_smile: So I am a little biased on that point. I am in the camp that every baby and (almost) every marriage should be celebrated.

 

That said, there are tacky ways to go about everything and I would consider that invite to be tacky.

[FaithManor]

Cat has said it and I agree with it! I'd not acknowledge this with more than a "Congratulations, hope you two are happy together" card sent in the mail directly to the bride.

 

Besides, they did not send you an invite directly, so I doubly don't think you need to worry about attending.

 

I think this goes beyond tacky. It's rude, uncouth, ill-mannered, and...well, I'm sure if I finish drinking my coffee I can think of some more.

 

The whole point of a shower used to be to help a young couple starting out in life without all that much set up a household.

 

Faith

[Georgiana Daniels]

That is tacky. Not sure there is a "norm" for 2nd marriages, especially since it seems anything goes even for firsts. That sucks that you were accidentally or intentionally left off the list. That only adds to the tackiness.

 

My friend received a non-invitation to a wedding last month. It was an announcement that the couple was to wed, but no date/time (so it wasn't an invitation) and basically said they weren't registered anywhere but cash would be appreciated.

 

Come back Emily Post....come back!!!!!

[Rebel Yell]

I may be an old fuddy-duddy here, but shouldn't the man take the bride on a honeymoon?

 

I'm all in favor of women working if they want to and are able to, and sharing expenses/responsibilities/etc. ... but wouldn't a man be humiliated that his wife was begging for money to take him on a honeymoon? I know *I* wouldn't have enjoyed my honeymoon nearly as much if DH had taken up a collection for it.

 

And a honeymoon can be a single night in a local motel. I would feel no obligation to fund a dream vacation for them.

[Remudamom]

The whole thing is tacky beyond belief. And you get to shake it off because she is your sister.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

"The theme is 'honeymoon,' so bring money." :smilielol5:

 

I'm with Faith. Pop a card (with no $) in the mail and forget you ever heard about this panhandling party. I mean shower.

[Heather in Neverland]

"The theme is 'honeymoon,' so bring money." :smilielol5:

 

I'm with Faith. Pop a card (with no $) in the mail and forget you ever heard about this panhandling party. I mean shower.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

:iagree:

[Ellie]

1. Am I right in feeling annoyed with the organizers that they didn't bother to call me to let me know about this? I am the only sibling.....and they do know where I live, my last name is very uncommon & it would be very easy to find my phone#.

Yes, you're right to feel annoyed. You're the only sibling, FCOL.

 

2. Is it normal for showers to be thrown the 2nd time around? Maybe I am old fashioned in my thinking but I didn't think you did this? Most especially when you already have a house, etc. all set up? It would be like me having a baby shower for #5?

It has become "normal," which doesnt' make it right. A nice get-together with friends to celebrate, a luncheon or something, but not a "shower."

 

3. Isn't it tacky to ask for money??

YES YES YES!!!!

[stephencurtisjoelle]

Is it possible that your aunt forwarded you the email because no one else had your new email? Perhaps those throwing the shower requested that she do so?

 

I am not a fan of email invites myself, but I do see the convenience of it.

 

While it is all a bit tacky, she is your sister. I think you did nothing wrong being honest when she asked your opinion. Now that time has passed and she has found happiness, celebrating that with her may help bring you back together again.

[Dobela]

I have seen theme showers for 2nd weddings but I would not send money. A friend of mine remarried and combined they were going to have 6 kids. She only had 2 prior to the wedding. She only had most items in sets of 4 since that is all she needed. Not to mention most of the stuff her new man was bringing into the house really needed to be burned...

[Momof3littles]

I have been to a lot of showers in recent years where money was requested as a gift. It has become somewhat common IME since many married couples are older now when they marry, and have their own toaster, glasses, china, etc. I still think it is tacky to put it in writing as part of the invite. Yuck.

 

If I was hosting and knew that cash was the bride and groom's preferred gift, I would leave it off the invite entirely. If people call to RSVP and ask for suggestions, I might gently suggest they are saving for a honeymoon. Only if asked, and not in such a way that it seems like "bring cash or nothing at all." That's the only reasonably polite way I can think of to suggest cash as a gift..when you as the host are asked, and you know the bride and groom would like cash to supplement their honeymoon. And perhaps said in such a way that cash is not actually mentioned directly..."I know they are trying to save for a honeymoon..." vs. "they'd really like some ca$h!!!".

[Parrothead]

Wow! That is just not right. I think that one might actually make Miss Manners twitch.

[momofkhm]

I have been to a lot of showers in recent years where money was requested as a gift. It has become somewhat common IME since many married couples are older now when they marry, and have their own toaster, glasses, china, etc. I still think it is tacky to put it in writing as part of the invite. Yuck.

 

If I was hosting and knew that cash was the bride and groom's preferred gift, I would leave it off the invite entirely. If people call to RSVP and ask for suggestions, I might gently suggest they are saving for a honeymoon. Only if asked, and not in such a way that it seems like "bring cash or nothing at all." That's the only reasonably polite way I can think of to suggest cash as a gift..when you as the host are asked, and you know the bride and groom would like cash to supplement their honeymoon. And perhaps said in such a way that cash is not actually mentioned directly..."I know they are trying to save for a honeymoon..." vs. "they'd really like some ca$h!!!".

 

:iagree:

 

I think this is what Emily Post/Miss Manners would say.

[Verity]

:svengo: :svengo: :svengo: :svengo:

 

OK, now we are way beyond tacky! :ack2:

 

If I were you, and you think there's even the slightest possibility that you might receive a last minute invitation, don't answer the phone and switch your answering machine to the pre-programmed generic greeting so you can say it was broken and you never got their message. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: :lol:

[Liz CA]

It would not bother me that they are having a shower for her even though it's her 2nd marriage. I also think 5th children can have baby showers, HOWEVER the reference to money is tacky.

If you decide to go, you could bring a small gift - something she may like since you know her well. My favorite all purpose gift is a large candle or a candle warmer with the tea light on the bottom and the wax tart melting on the top.

[Night Elf]

Well, just to see the other side of it. I started dating my DH before my first divorce was settled. Granted I was using Legal Aid and the process was taking forever! But I was engaged the month the divorce went through and married 9 months later. We're still happily married 16 years later.

 

My mom discouraged me from having a shower or even a wedding. She told me people would think it was all tacky for a 2nd marriage. I ended up getting married at the courthouse on a Friday morning and was back to work on Monday. Several years later, my sister remarried and got all the bell and whistles and people didn't seem to mind. She had lots of people celebrating with her. I'll admit I'm still a bit bitter. All I got were a few Hallmark cards.

 

It's possible they cannot afford a honeymoon. I couldn't in my first marriage. It took us months to save for a 3-day Disney trip on a budget. It would have been a lovely gift for family to chip in and let us have a honeymoon like a proper newly married couple. In my 2nd marriage, we didn't go on a honeymoon for 8 months because we didn't feel we got married grandly enough to warrant something like a honeymoon too. We called it a honeymoon as a joke but really it was just a vacation.

 

Let her celebrate with family and friends. If you're too bitter about it, please don't go and spoil her time. Just maybe this will be her forever marriage and she'll look back on this time as one of great joy. I can't say the same thing about when I got married. We felt so alone.

[Homemama2]

I agree, the whole thing is beyond tacky.

 

But...

 

I thought I would add that it is possible your sister did not mean for you to be excluded. At my "friends" wedding shower that my maid of honor had, she ended up not contacting several friends that should have been invited. I knew nothing of it until months later. The reason was that they were high school friends and she didn't have their new phone numbers or addresses (and apparently didn't think about calling any of our other friends to find out.) It ended up really awkward because half of our group of high school friends were invited and half were left out. Nobody said anything (my other friends thought I didn't want them there, and since it was "my" wedding, they didn't say anything.) I didn't say anything to the friends not coming b/c my wedding happened right as everyone was finishing college, so everyone was scattered across the country and studying for exams etc. I didn't want to pressure them to come. Crazy situation.

[Mergath]

I guess I'm old-fashioned, because I think showers for second weddings are tacky, and asking for cash is doubly so. One can celebrate a new marriage without receiving a pile of stuff (or money). And if they really feel the need to go on a honeymoon, they should pay for it. Ugh.

[mom2scouts]

A CASH wedding shower?:001_huh:

[justLisa]

Well the only thing I don't know about is doing/not doing anything just because it is the second time. I mean, I wouldn't really want a reminder of that, KWIM? I would just want to celebrate.

 

As for the rest, that's just tacky in a big way.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I have never seen invites asking for cash, but I have been to showers and weddings were they have a $$$ tree to get them started. It is normally some sort of fake tree made by a loving relative out of all types of different things and those that choose to pin $$$ on it. I have always seen lots of $1's and $5's but not many high bills.

I also haven't really been to many 2nd weddings. In our religion, you aren't getting married in the church on your 2nd wedding unless your first spouse is with the Holy Ghost. So I don't have any experience with 2nd marriages besides relatives having justices of the peace say a few words with their kids and parents around.

I would think that her friends are going to the restaurant to drink and they may have some sort of interesting way to give the cash such as a $$$ tree? Idk, but I would be peeved if my sister didn't let me know about the shower even if I couldn't attend.

[cin]

I can see both sides of this. When we got married, 24 years ago, MANY people did not look at my registry. I got 4 toasters, 5 electric skillets, 7 or 8 2 qt saucepans. All with no receipts. At that point in time, we really could have used either the cash, or something on the registry. I was still in college and DH had just graduated. And he didn't land a 50k/yr job. I took a carload of stuff to Goodwill, probably enough to pay for 1 or 2 months rent. Oh, and platters. I go so many glass platters.

[GoVanGogh]

I think asking for cash is unacceptable for any occasion - first bridal shower, wedding, etc.

 

That said...

Well, just to see the other side of it. I started dating my DH before my first divorce was settled. Granted I was using Legal Aid and the process was taking forever! But I was engaged the month the divorce went through and married 9 months later. We're still happily married 16 years later.

 

My mom discouraged me from having a shower or even a wedding. She told me people would think it was all tacky for a 2nd marriage. I ended up getting married at the courthouse on a Friday morning and was back to work on Monday. Several years later, my sister remarried and got all the bell and whistles and people didn't seem to mind. She had lots of people celebrating with her. I'll admit I'm still a bit bitter. All I got were a few Hallmark cards.

 

It's possible they cannot afford a honeymoon. I couldn't in my first marriage. It took us months to save for a 3-day Disney trip on a budget. It would have been a lovely gift for family to chip in and let us have a honeymoon like a proper newly married couple. In my 2nd marriage, we didn't go on a honeymoon for 8 months because we didn't feel we got married grandly enough to warrant something like a honeymoon too. We called it a honeymoon as a joke but really it was just a vacation.

 

Let her celebrate with family and friends. If you're too bitter about it, please don't go and spoil her time. Just maybe this will be her forever marriage and she'll look back on this time as one of great joy. I can't say the same thing about when I got married. We felt so alone.

:iagree:

I totally agree with this. I hope that your sister is very happy in her new marriage and I think it should be celebrated.

My sister recently got divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. She has a new boyfriend already; our parents think it is too soon. (Which is ironic because my dad remarried the afternoon their divorce was finalized.)

I am so happy for my sister. She married when she was very young; she never had a bridal shower or a honeymoon. Her husband had moved out of their house several months before my sister told the family. In the process of their divorce, she found out he had been supporting his girlfriend for three years.

To outsiders, it seems so early for my sister to move on. But - to my sister - their marriage was dead and over so long ago. She had already processed it and adjusted to the thought of divorce long before anyone else knew.

Will she marry her boyfriend? Who knows. But I am happy for her. If she ever does re-marry, I hope to find some special way to celebrate that with her.

If I wasn't happy for her and/or she asked for my input, I wouldn't tell her. I have five siblings. I know when they ask for your input, they only want your blessings not your opinion! :lol:

[GoVanGogh]

When we got married, 24 years ago, MANY people did not look at my registry. I got 4 toasters, 5 electric skillets, 7 or 8 2 qt saucepans. All with no receipts. At that point in time, we really could have used either the cash, or something on the registry. I was still in college and DH had just graduated. And he didn't land a 50k/yr job. I took a carload of stuff to Goodwill, probably enough to pay for 1 or 2 months rent. Oh, and platters. I go so many glass platters.

Oh, my goodness! :lol:

We got married 25 years ago and didn't have a registry. (I don't even know if my small town offered such at thing at that time.)

We were getting married one weekend and moving from a northern (cold!) state to a southern (hot!) state a month later. We honestly received a dozen blankets in some form or fashion. Twin size electric blanket... Queen size electric blanket... Thin blankets... Heavy down comforters... We were two young kids starting out, we didn't even have a bed to put a blanket on at the time. :lol:

We moved those blankets across the country, then donated the majority of them. DH and I still laugh about all those stinkin' blankets we got.

[JennyD]

I have not been to many showers (nor had any myself) but in general, I think it's perfectly nice to have a shower for a subsequent marriage, or child, for that matter. As a rule, I am pro-party. :001_smile:

 

The asking for money is tacky, I agree, but that rather pales next to the whole pay-your-own-tab bit, which I find utterly appalling.

 

And I agree that you should have been invited. Although if it's clear that you're opposed to the wedding, perhaps the organizers just thought that you wouldn't want to be there? In any event, I hope that you and your sister can patch things up soon.

[pfamilygal]

A person sent me an invite to his second wedding (e-invite actually) that included a link to a wedding gift registry. It was basically a list of categories for your monetary gift.

 

http://www.honeyfund.com

[Abigail4476]

"The theme is 'honeymoon,' so bring money." :smilielol5:

 

I'm with Faith. Pop a card (with no $) in the mail and forget you ever heard about this panhandling party. I mean shower.

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

I vote pretend you never heard.

[MiniBlondes]

 

Here are my questions:

 

1. Am I right in feeling annoyed with the organizers that they didn't bother to call me to let me know about this? I am the only sibling.....and they do know where I live, my last name is very uncommon & it would be very easy to find my phone#. Yes, I'd be annoyed.

 

2. Is it normal for showers to be thrown the 2nd time around? Maybe I am old fashioned in my thinking but I didn't think you did this? Most especially when you already have a house, etc. all set up? It would be like me having a baby shower for #5? I had a shower for my second marriage but his 'people' organized it. It was his first. I think it depends on where you live and your social circle. It's not as uncommon as it used to be.

 

3. Isn't it tacky to ask for money?? Always.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

A person sent me an invite to his second wedding (e-invite actually) that included a link to a wedding gift registry. It was basically a list of categories for your monetary gift.

 

http://www.honeyfund.com

 

I think it's about time someone set up a new registry called PayForYourOwnD**nHoneymoon.com

 

People are getting tackier by the minute.

 

Someone needs to tell them something like this:

 

Hey, people, grow a little PRIDE. Stop begging for money. You're probably the same person who makes fun of panhandlers. Look in the mirror, sweetie, and get yourself a little tin cup, because when you ask for cash as a gift, you might as well be sitting on the sidewalk with a little cardboard sign.

 

I think that the next time we get requests for cash gifts, we should just send them a nice cupcake and be done with it. :tongue_smilie:

[Canadianmumof5]

A person sent me an invite to his second wedding (e-invite actually) that included a link to a wedding gift registry. It was basically a list of categories for your monetary gift.

 

www.honeyfund.com

 

 

:svengo:

 

I do believe I have seen everything now........

[Canadianmumof5]

I think it's about time someone set up a new registry called PayForYourOwnD**nHoneymoon.com

 

People are getting tackier by the minute.

 

Someone needs to tell them something like this:

 

Hey, people, grow a little PRIDE. Stop begging for money. You're probably the same person who makes fun of panhandlers. Look in the mirror, sweetie, and get yourself a little tin cup, because when you ask for cash as a gift, you might as well be sitting on the sidewalk with a little cardboard sign.

 

I think that the next time we get requests for cash gifts, we should just send them a nice cupcake and be done with it. :tongue_smilie:

 

So would the bold be appropriate to write in the gift-less card I am supposed to send??

ETA: I am being sarcastic.

Edited August 12, 2012 by CanadianMumof4

[ksr5377]

I don't think it's at all tacky to have showers for 2nd marriages or every baby you have. With that said, even if this shower were for a first marriage, it's been handled terribly. I would not go or send a gift.

[Canadianmumof5]

You know what kills ME? SHE wants to take HIM on a honeymoon. The world, how she do turn.

 

Uh-huh.

I think it is the only way she will get one.....I think he wants this wedding to be WAY MORE low key/low budget than she is making it. I'd bet money that he doesn't have a clue about the money-grab (ahem - I mean shower) and if he did - he would not be happy about it.

 

FWIW - I still have not heard from any of the organizers myself. So either it was an intentional thing not to invite me OR they did not have my most recent email address......which TBH, if I was the organizer of a shower and I hadn't heard from family members of the bride-to-be - I would absolutely make sure to call them personally and double check.

 

Whatever. When she does call to ask why I wasn't there - at least I can honestly answer that I wasn't invited. Then the ball will be in her court.

[Canadianmumof5]

Well, just to see the other side of it. I started dating my DH before my first divorce was settled. Granted I was using Legal Aid and the process was taking forever! But I was engaged the month the divorce went through and married 9 months later. We're still happily married 16 years later.

 

My mom discouraged me from having a shower or even a wedding. She told me people would think it was all tacky for a 2nd marriage. I ended up getting married at the courthouse on a Friday morning and was back to work on Monday. Several years later, my sister remarried and got all the bell and whistles and people didn't seem to mind. She had lots of people celebrating with her. I'll admit I'm still a bit bitter. All I got were a few Hallmark cards.

 

It's possible they cannot afford a honeymoon. I couldn't in my first marriage. It took us months to save for a 3-day Disney trip on a budget. It would have been a lovely gift for family to chip in and let us have a honeymoon like a proper newly married couple. In my 2nd marriage, we didn't go on a honeymoon for 8 months because we didn't feel we got married grandly enough to warrant something like a honeymoon too. We called it a honeymoon as a joke but really it was just a vacation.

 

Let her celebrate with family and friends. If you're too bitter about it, please don't go and spoil her time. Just maybe this will be her forever marriage and she'll look back on this time as one of great joy. I can't say the same thing about when I got married. We felt so alone.

 

Glad that it worked out for you :001_smile: I love hearing stories about long lasting marriages!

 

I do think that WHEN you start dating someone else after your marriage ends is important. There is often quite a bit of time before a divorce is finalized. I don't believe for a second that she was ready to start dating anyone when it had literally been 2 months since her husband left and she was a mess, to be polite about it.

 

I am not bitter. I just know her, and what she went through when her ex left & how she has been since then. I am worried for her. And for her kids. I've left out a lot of personal details to this story that don't belong here but let's just say that her immediate family are all very concerned and that her actions are not that of a happy bride-to-be but rather of a woman settling for a situation and trying desperately to make everyone else believe that this is her happily-ever-after.

[Catwoman]

So would the bold be appropriate to write in the gift-less card I am supposed to send??

ETA: I am being sarcastic.

 

:D :D :D :D

 

Yes. Yes it would. Someone has to do it. It might as well be you. ;)

[Tap]

A person sent me an invite to his second wedding (e-invite actually) that included a link to a wedding gift registry. It was basically a list of categories for your monetary gift.

 

http://www.honeyfund.com

 

DD5 was in a small wedding this weekend. When I asked the bride if they had a registry, she said they only registered at this website. :glare: It was better than being asked for cash directly, but not much better.

 

I bought the couple a nice pan and a sampler of Penzy's Spices.

[Tap]

A few random thoughts:

 

If your old email account is still active, log in and check for the invite.

 

Showers are not uncommon for 2nd weddings.

 

It is possible that the shower is truly a surprise, and the sister knows nothing of it. She may not be the one slighting you, it could be the organizer I had a surprise baby shower once. Only 5 people were invited. :( I am sure there were some hurt feelings by those who were left out (in fact my feelings were hurt, by leaving out many of my friends). They asked my husband for a guest list and the only contact names/numbers were my one sister, mom and 3 friends (including the organizer). :glare:

 

In conversations with the bride, the organizer my have found out that the bride is saving money for a honeymoon and thus, used that for the theme. It his hard to have a registry for a surprise shower. LOL Again, the bride may have had nothing to do with it. I know that sometimes couples have different assets and debt loads. Her taking him on a honeymoon, isn't a foreign idea to me. Advertising it, is quite odd!

 

 

I would send a card ahead of the shower, but don't mention the shower. If it is a surprise, I wouldn't want to be the one who blew it.

Edited August 12, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[cindergretta]

I'm all for showers for every baby and even every wedding. (Never had a wedding shower and my dd gave me a baby shower when I was pg with #6. Not exactly a real shower, but wow, so sweet!!!)

 

Anyway, I am seriously, seriously OLD SCHOOL. I do NOT believe in the mentioning of gifts AT ALL on any type of invitation. I think it is so beyond tacky it makes me shiver. When one receives an invite, if they are so inclined, they may call the host/hostess and inquire about registries and/or wishes/desires. Outside of the one way mentioned in this thread, I can't imagine any way of asking for cash that isn't beyond rude and tacky. Ugh.

 

The reality is, many people offer cash gifts to newlyweds. It is quite common. So to ask for it boggles my ever loving mind. Let people who would give cash do so and that should be the end of it. (All of this is strictly IMO. I freely confess to being really antiquated when it comes to invitations and gift requests. I love giving gifts. I hate feeling obligated. I will buy gifts for people I have never met if one of them works with dh and gets married or has a baby, lol. Yes, I love giving gifts. But if you invite me to a shower and ask for cash, I will probably :svengo: .)

Edited August 12, 2012 by cindergretta

[LibraryLover]

If I got something like this from a friend of my sister, I would be surprised. However, I would still attend because she is my sister.

 

I have always tried to limit any thoughts of , "I wish I had", or, "I'm sorry I didn't!"

 

I'm imperfect, my sibs are imperfect, we've had words over the years, but none of us have harmed each other so terribly that we can't enjoy a (maybe tacky) party together.

 

I don't want to be old (if I make it to old) rifling through memories of regrets.

Edited August 12, 2012 by LibraryLover

[KathyBC]

If I got something like this from a friend of my sister, I would be surprised. However, I would still attend because she is my sister.

 

I have always tried to limit any thoughts of , "I wish I had", or, "I'm sorry I didn't!"

 

I'm imperfect, my sibs are imperfect, we've had words over the years, but none of us have harmed each other so terribly that we can't enjoy a (maybe tacky) party together.

 

I don't want to be old (if I make it to old) rifling through memories of regrets.

 

:iagree:

[LoriK]

I think having a shower for a second wedding is not the same as having a shower for a second or fifth baby. Many people see a baby shower as celebrating that baby, so they feel that it is ok to have one for each pregnancy. Maybe we should stop calling it a shower, so it doesn't seem to buck tradition.

 

When it comes to weddings however, a second shower isn't needed to celebrate this marriage because you are having a wedding and a reception to do that very thing.

 

A wedding that people will bring gifts to. So when you are getting married for the second or fifth time, and you don't need anything for your house, it is pretty tacky to throw a party, expecting gifts or cash, when you know that these same friends will be coming to your wedding to celebrate your marriage, while bringing yet another gift. It just seems greedy.

[dansamy]

I'd send a jar of honey & a moon pie, but I'm a snarky b****!

[InterestingCase]

My first marriage was in 1987 and ended in 1992. My second marriage was in 2001 and we are still going strong. When engaged in 2001, I was raising my son alone and living in grad student housing, so I did not have "everything" or a house. My family planned the showers (I did not ask for them), and I am still using the housewares given to me. My husband had not been married before, so there was that to consider as well.

 

A shower is a celebration of those who choose to see the happy possibilities of the upcoming event. I see nothing wrong with a shower for a second wedding.

 

The cash request, however, is not my cup of tea.

[FaithManor]

I think the real kicker that some people missed from the second OP's post was that the organizers are holding it at a restaurant during the dinner hour. They are paying for appetizers and dessert; the guests will have to pay for their own meal. :glare:

 

Coupled with "bring money for the honeymoon", it gives tacky a new name.

 

Now granted, one could make due with the appetizers and dessert. But, it's really rude to host something like this at a restaurant during the dinner hour and NOT provide the food. "You all bring money for the honeymoon and by the way, we'll all go dutch too." What's next? Hosting a shower and then when the guests arrive there is an admission charge to cover the expenses?

 

I really wouuld not dignify this with my presence and if I was the bride and arrived at the shower to find out this was how the guests were going to be treated I WOULD BE MORTIFIED AND SAY SO LOUDLY!

 

At some point, I think mannered people are going to have to stop being wallflowers and start taking a stand against this stuff. It's proliferating.

 

I guarantee you the next thing we will hear is some couple that wants a reception they can't afford sends invites in which the RSVP is "the reception is $40.00 per head. Please indicate the number attending and make checks out to _____. By the way, our gift registry is at ________."

 

Faith