BigMamaBird Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 If there is no ongoing relationship and they haven't invited you the the wedding, no you don't have to buy them a gift. Use the money for a nice date for you and your dh instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I would feel obligated to mail a lovely card. :glare: :iagree: With a well worded note about how you commend them for not starting out married life in debt and to have good luck with that. (but don't send money or a gift) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NASDAQ Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Am I missing something -- is there something wrong with just getting married and then sending a nice announcement of the marriage and the new address, without talking about the Totally Awesome Wedding you can't come to? I think a nice card is fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalea19 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) IMO......Tacky, tacky, Tacky! For some reason there are people out there that feel that they are totally obligated to hit up everyone they know just because they are getting married, having babies, etc. I am old school & totally don't believe in MULTIPLE baby showers (or multiple wedding showers for that matter), and darn it if this isn't the new thing in the circles that I am in. Drives me crazy. Had a friend that wanted ME to host her 3rd baby shower. Ummmm...no. This was for her 3rd child, and in no way were they in need of anything. For some reason I think that old school has fallen out of fashion.:glare: It all is just too greedy & tacky for my taste. It just makes me resent the one sending the invite. KWIM? Edited July 10, 2012 by Azalea19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I probably would not dignify that with a response of any kind. The folly of youth should not necessarily be encouraged as it tends to spread amongst the rest like an H1N1 flu epidemic! :glare: - heaven forbid this become commonplace. I normally error on the side of mercy, however, at some point boneheaded actions need to be met with natural consequences and in this case, lack of cards, gifts, money, and congratulations would be the naturally occuring equal and opposite reaction....you know...Newton's Laws of Physics! :D Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Oh they sound like total darlings. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Well I'm going to be the lone voice here and say I don't believe in wedding showers and baby showers (or registries) either. :leaving: I think it's totally not *my* responsibility to buy your KitchenAid mixer or baby bathtub for you. :iagree: I'm pretty close to you. If a dear old friend wants to have a shower for someone's nearest and dearest, fine and dandy. Or if it's tradition in a circle of relatives or friends, fine and dandy. It's the attitude that these things are rights of passage and mandatory that drive me crazy. We are not born with a birth right to a shower (or several) with 2nd cousins once removed or a high end wedding at no cost to you. Running right behind you! :D :leaving: This is the tackiest "non invitation" I've ever heard of. Ick! I'd send a card and no gift. If they would have sent a wedding announcement w/no registry info after the fact, I might have sent them a small check or something. Did I say ick yet? :D Edited July 10, 2012 by kck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Gee, do they not have much money (or do they have debt) *because* they chose to have their wedding in Mexico?? If so, it's the tackiest thing I've ever heard to mention their registries in any communication about the event that people can't attend or weren't invited to!! UGH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Oh, HECK no. They would not be getting one thing from me. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniBlondes Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Woah. That's one piece of mail that I'd ignore. I'd toss it in the waste basket and pour leftovers on top. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Unbelievable! Gift...no way. Card...maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Mail them a postcard wishing them well. Just the postcard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I would be mortified if my kids sent out something like that. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Wow- how tacky! It could easily have been made less tacky by just waiting until they were married and then sending a fun 'we're married' photo card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenMama Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Speechless! I think I'll play back those words in my head every time I think someone's being a juice box! By comparison, I shouldn't have to think anyone's beyond rude ever again! :lol: No - no gift! If you actually like them, I'd probably send the card saying, "I totally understand! Everyone needs to save their money in tough economic times." You'll have a nice clean slate and not have any residual resentment to deal with... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) i haven't read all the replies, but whst *I* want you to do is take a picture of the card and pin it on pinterest. Email the pin to pinterestareyoudrunk (or whatever that site is) and see if they will put it up to mock it. Sorry, I probably wouldn't actually do that myself and I know it isn't the right thing to do, but it would be really funny and I like laughing about the ludicrous things that people do sometimes (and there are a lot of over the top wedding pins). Tjej Edited July 10, 2012 by Tjej Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I would not want to get them a gift. I might get them a token gift if it meant keeping family relationships good (with whoever there parent is that you or your dh is related to). It wouldn’t be necessary but sometimes family means sucking it up and being the (much) bigger person. My nieces and nephew send out emails stating their birthday and Christmas wish lists. Not only are some of them adults (oldest is 26) but their lists are full of expensive items. Do I think it’s tacky? Yes. Does it bug me? Yes. But do I send them a gift anyway? Yes, for family peace. I ignore their lists and send a small gift that we can afford but we still do something because in dh’s family it would cause issues if we did not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 My son, his cousin, got married at our home last month. It was very inexpensive but altogether lovely. The cousin and his significant other were invited. They didn't attend, didn't send regrets, and didn't send any acknowledgement of my son's wedding. And I never even thought about that until I received their non-invite ;) Oh, I didn’t read that when I replied earlier. Then I definitely wouldn’t send a gift. I would send a card saying congratulations and leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegularMom Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 You could send them something very small and useful. Like a book on etiquette, perhaps. ;) It sounds like they could use one. And I just bet they forgot to put one on their registry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 No, you have the Perfect Gift for them! A lovely book on etiquette! Include a sweet card about how you appreciated that they were trying to save money by sending out non-invites and then a little wedding tip on how they could help themselves get that debt free start by hop-skipping down to the courthouse or having a backyard wedding and putting the money they would save towards their debt AND then they could also have the wonderful blessing of actually having family and friends around. (yes, passive aggressive...all said tongue in cheek ;) Send the etiquette book though) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Am I missing something -- is there something wrong with just getting married and then sending a nice announcement of the marriage and the new address, without talking about the Totally Awesome Wedding you can't come to? Yes, there's something big missing by going that route: a glaring $oli¢itation! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 For inquiring minds: I went to the registry. They are asking for cash/check donations to remodel their home. They state that they have everything they need for housekeeping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 For inquiring minds: I went to the registry. They are asking for cash/check donations to remodel their home. They state that they have everything they need for housekeeping. :lol::lol::lol: Maybe you could offer to let them come work for you:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 it's not just tacky, it's downright rude and entitled. I absolutely would send them the etiquette book mentioned above and not one other thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 For inquiring minds: I went to the registry. They are asking for cash/check donations to remodel their home. They state that they have everything they need for housekeeping. Wow, this just keeps getting better. Apparently gifts are now out of vogue and we're just supposed to outright PAY people to get married. ;) I think a couple things said by others bear repeating: 1. Ick! 2. Fears for the next generation are not far fetched, and in fact may be quite well founded. (Excepting, of course, all the stellar HIVE kids whose mothers would die of shock and heartbreak before allowing them to believe such a thing is appropriate. :D ) 3. Again... ick. Well, Cynthia, I think we're all in agreement... no gift necessary, LOL!! Oh, and by the way... CONGRATS on your son's marriage, and may they have many happy years. His day sounds lovely. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Wow. Just. Wow. I'd get them an etiquette book, or nothing. Most likely nothing. Honestly, I wouldn't even acknowledge the non-invite with a card. I'd go about life as if it never happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 This is what I told dh. He was trying mightily to think that perhaps the non-invite wasn't rude, but I told him that they could have just sent out an announcement after the fact. No need to inform us that we weren't "awesome" enough :001_huh: :iagree: Announcements are completely acceptable. Non-invitations are not. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Wow, this just keeps getting better. Apparently gifts are now out of vogue and we're just supposed to outright PAY people to get married. ;) Well, in some cultures, that is the norm - not tacky at all. I actually think that's not a big deal... or wouldn't be if they hadn't been so tacky in every possible other way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) . Edited July 11, 2012 by Northwest_Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Yes, it's incredibly tacky to send what is essentially a Don't Save the Date notice. :tongue_smilie: I might send a card but nothing else (though I would secretly wish to be bold enough to send an etiquette book). Edited July 10, 2012 by WordGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 For inquiring minds: I went to the registry. They are asking for cash/check donations to remodel their home. They state that they have everything they need for housekeeping. :svengo::svengo::svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I have read all your posts in this thread, Cynthia. All I can say is, "bless their hearts!" Truly and thoroughly, bless their hearts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I would send them a box of condoms:lol: We oh wait...my husband was invited to his cousin's wedding last year. Not only did the invite say there would be no children because there just wasn't room. But, they told others and they all told us how our children were not invited. It was the strangest thing considering how family centered everything is in that side of the family. When my husband decided not to go everyone got mad at him:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear23 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 If it was us, I would just send a card and nothing more. We were not even invited to my husbands wedding because we are too far away to attend. At least give us the chance to decline. By the way, yes we would have travel for his brother's wedding. I sent just a card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I'm going to be the voice of crankiness here. :) My question is, what does how they conduct themselves have to do with the gift you'll give them? . Would you normally send a gift or money to a nephew on his wedding? If yes, do so. If not, then don't. Their behavior shouldn't dictate your behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Yep. In my experience money is the norm. I always give money and I got money. It actually makes things quite simple for people. I was very thankful to get money. I would never outright ask for money, but I knew I'd likely get money. The only time I haven't given money at a wedding was my brother because I knew him well enough to give him a very meaningful gift. Otherwise it's cash and a card (a really nice card - my husband has a gift for picking out cards that are meaningful and perfect for the recipient) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommyK Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I am a big gift card sender. But GRACIOUS... this couple has, uhm.. cajones? So, SO rude and greedy. Blegh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Well, in some cultures, that is the norm - not tacky at all. I actually think that's not a big deal... or wouldn't be if they hadn't been so tacky in every possible other way. I don't have a problem with people receiving money. I am used to that. I think the issue is asking or downright demanding money. I sort of have the same reaction to the registries as a demand/implied demand. One needs to be a bit humble, I think, instead of presumptive. I got an invite for college classmates with a request for donations for a mortgage over ten years ago, and I rolled my eyes then! I do think one probably tends to feel more generous to someone who is polite, and /or to whom one feels close. My dad did fly across the country to stay with me so he could attend the wedding of his college roommate's son, and he had fun doing it. And I think he gave them a set of drinking glasses, if anyone's interested. (That is in the category of small but usefu, too!) Personally I think the charade of older people and/or cohabitating people demanding or requesting household goods is a bit silly. I had a relative who got married after only having lived with her parents. Her husband also had only lived with his parents. I thought they actually needed household stuff. But people who've been on their own generally have a lot of that stuff. I certainly did! So I wish the gifts would be a bit more creative. I think the etiquette book or a box of condoms is probably too creative and is insulting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) . Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) . Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 I LOVE the bolded!! :lol::lol: OP, I'm with the others... no response is necessary, but if you feel compelled, a nice card will suffice. I'm wondering where these ideas come from? And, more importantly, why do so many of our youth have the idea stuff like this is OK? Does *no one* think to check etiquette any more? I mean, with the internet, it's so easy! Do the bride & groom not have someone in their lives who would have said to them "um, you know, that's not really appropriate" and explain why? I'm not worried about a small faux pas, as we have all made them (and I'm sure I'll make more through the years), but come on... this is big! The bride and groom are in their early 30's so I don't think they would listen to their mother (dh's sister). A really interesting thing is that they got married at the courthouse a few months ago because they could not get the Mexico venue this year. Dh's sister was so hurt because they weren't told until after the fact. So essentially this is the wedding that goes on for over a year :D. I'm still trying to figure out why the rush after waiting as long as they have. Why not just wait until they could get the Mexico venue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Wow, this just keeps getting better. Apparently gifts are now out of vogue and we're just supposed to outright PAY people to get married. ;) I think a couple things said by others bear repeating: 1. Ick! 2. Fears for the next generation are not far fetched, and in fact may be quite well founded. (Excepting, of course, all the stellar HIVE kids whose mothers would die of shock and heartbreak before allowing them to believe such a thing is appropriate. :D ) 3. Again... ick. Well, Cynthia, I think we're all in agreement... no gift necessary, LOL!! Oh, and by the way... CONGRATS on your son's marriage, and may they have many happy years. His day sounds lovely. :) I agree. I'm generally fine with the ebb and flow of customs, and differences in customs across groups. This seems to be just more of the "cult of self-esteem" in which children and young adults expect to be lavishly rewarded for everything they do, though, and it is something I'm seeing in all contexts: "the world owes me for existing" mentality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Wow. Just wow. I'd send a post card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I would feel obligated to mail a lovely card. :glare: See? I would feel obligated and send an UGLY card. Maybe the tacky one of the two creepy little kids holding hands? And then just say, "Congrats!" and don't even sign it. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warneral Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 They can afford to go to Mexico for their wedding....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I might send a card or might not. I wouldn't feel obligated really. It obviously isn't a close relationship. I don't buy gifts out of obligation but try to reserve that for people I actually like or care for, our budget is limited and I'm not much on gifts though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 The bride and groom are in their early 30's so I don't think they would listen to their mother (dh's sister). A really interesting thing is that they got married at the courthouse a few months ago because they could not get the Mexico venue this year. Dh's sister was so hurt because they weren't told until after the fact. So essentially this is the wedding that goes on for over a year :D. I'm still trying to figure out why the rush after waiting as long as they have. Why not just wait until they could get the Mexico venue. ah! So they are already married and are vying for monetary gifts after the fact. Nice!:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 The bride and groom are in their early 30's so I don't think they would listen to their mother (dh's sister). A really interesting thing is that they got married at the courthouse a few months ago because they could not get the Mexico venue this year. Dh's sister was so hurt because they weren't told until after the fact. So essentially this is the wedding that goes on for over a year :D. I'm still trying to figure out why the rush after waiting as long as they have. Why not just wait until they could get the Mexico venue. Ok... Ok... Wait... Let me see if I can catch up. So you weren't awesome enough to be told about the impending first wedding. You're not awesome enough to be invited to the second wedding, but make the cut to be notified because they clearly missed out on the whole gift experience the first time. Their bad; they're correcting it this time. But what they're REALLY hoping for, by having the second wedding, is funding for a THIRD, destination, wedding? What's next? Gift registries for job changes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Anonymously mailed etiquette book with significant passages highlighted. :D Of course, my mother wouldn't let ME do that, so I'd send a card and secretly wish someone else would slip the book into their home while they're in Mexico. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Let us know how many etiquette books they receive. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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