Miss Marple Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Dh's nephew has been living with a young lady for about 5 years now. They decided to get married but want to do it in Mexico at a special venue. They will have a reception when they return. We really have not seen these kids since they became adults and they have shown no interest in us (we care for his grandparents, but he has never visited them in over 10 years). We received a postcard that said that since the couple wanted to start off married life (umm...five years later) debt free, and since the special wedding was going to cost a lot, they would not be able to invite "all the awesome people" they know and love to the reception (IOW we should not expect an invitation). But if we would like more information about their upcoming wedding (gift registries) we can go to XYZ website. They invited their grandparents, who can barely walk, to attend - probably knew that 2 invited guests would decline :D So...do I feel obligated to purchase a gift??? Definitely not! Should I purchase a gift - I would appreciate the hive input about that. This one is right up there with the one where a young lady at church wanted a fancy wedding and reception, but could only invite a small number of folks because of the cost. She asked for donations of decorating accessories for the wedding and reception from those who were not invited (and made sure that we were good knowing that she would not be returning them).:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I don't think there's any question it's tacky. I wouldn't feel an obligation to get them a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 :glare: This falls under "what will they think of NEXT?!" No gift from me.... :tongue_smilie: Not to be snarky or make a point, but because they really aren't a part of your life and have chosen to ensure that you remain that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I can't believe the nerve some people have. I think that's rude AND tacky. "we can't or won't spend money to have you as a guest, but feel free to send a gift?". I think it's ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I would feel obligated to mail a lovely card. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Oh my. My fears for the next gen are not far-fetched. I would absolutely not send them a gift. Perhaps you could send them a card saying you are happy for them, but are trying pay down debt and won't be sending them a gift... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Oh, it isn't just the notice that you won't be invited that is tacky. It's the whole rest of it that's pretty much on the top of my OMG HOW TACKY IS THAT list. I'd say don't buy them a thing, unless you know them really well and love them to bits, and then be sure to buy something that is *not* on the list. I wouldn't even look at the Web site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radiobrain Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) I suggest you mail them a really nice sponge. :D If they have been living together for 5 years, they really don't need all the housewarming wedding gifts you get when you start a household. They're just sending sad sack letters out to those they think they might get something from.... UBER TACKY. BTW, I think destination weddings are tacky and rude by themselves. JMHO. Edited July 9, 2012 by radiobrain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I wouldn't get a gift unless you wanted it. It did say that if you wanted too you could check out xyz website Sounds like looking is optional. Don't wanna. Don't checkka. :D I would be the no checkka. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I'd probably send a very small gift of money and a card. Like, a $10 or $20 check. Unless they had a history of giving nice gifts to me or my kids in the past. I understand if they don't have money. But it was tacky for them to essentially ask for gifts from people not important enough to invite. Yuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think it's WAY tacky, and I wouldn't do anything at all. Well, I might send them a card, but I sure wouldn't get them anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I vote tacky. A while back, we recieved a very nice wedding announcement from a distant relative. It let us know that the couple was married on a certain date ("X and Y are please to announce their marriage on...."). Not an invite - just an announcement. So, this sort of thing CAN be done politely and with grace. No present required - these folks aren't really part of YOUR family or friends. You could send a congratuations card if you wish, but even that is not necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I'm in the send a card camp. It lets them know you got it . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 This is in the top five of the five tackiest things I've ever heard of... it might be number one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeFe Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I would be mortified if my kids sent out something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I suggest you mail them a really nice sponge. :D If they have been living together for 5 years, they really don't need all the housewarming wedding gifts you get when you start a household. They're just sending sad sack letters out to those they think they might get something from.... UBER TACKY. BTW, I think destination weddings are tacky and rude by themselves. JMHO. :lol::lol::lol: A card will suffice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 It let us know that the couple was married on a certain date ("X and Y are please to announce their marriage on...."). Not an invite - just an announcement. So, this sort of thing CAN be done politely and with grace. . This is what I told dh. He was trying mightily to think that perhaps the non-invite wasn't rude, but I told him that they could have just sent out an announcement after the fact. No need to inform us that we weren't "awesome" enough :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I vote tacky.A while back, we recieved a very nice wedding announcement from a distant relative. It let us know that the couple was married on a certain date ("X and Y are please to announce their marriage on...."). Not an invite - just an announcement. So, this sort of thing CAN be done politely and with grace. No present required - these folks aren't really part of YOUR family or friends. You could send a congratuations card if you wish, but even that is not necessary. I have some of these that have been really nice. An announcement, usually with a photo or two. Just letting people know you got married quietly and with NO mention of a gift registry. One had an online album and message book. I thought that was really sweet. NO mention of a gift registry on there anywhere. I get wanting to slip away and do something smaller etc..., but that is basically a planned elopement. You announce after, not before, and you do not mention gifts. Definitely tacky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 blech! If this were sent by someone on dh's side of the family, dh would probably make all kinds of excuses and send them money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Gracious. I've never heard of a Don't Save the Date announcement. Charming. I'd go with the lovely card suggestion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I would feel obligated to mail a lovely card. :glare: :iagree::iagree: I don't know them and possibly they do not realize how their announcement sounded? I did some stupid stuff when I was in my 20's that I cringe over now. Extend mercy, send a nice card, sigh and shake your head over the foibles of youth. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I suggest you mail them a really nice sponge. :D :iagree: but even that might be nicer than warranted. Who's behind me to send a toilet brush? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Postcards huh? Much more frugal than say, a regular envelope w/expensive stamps huh? I'd be nosy and go look at the registry just to see what was selected and giggle about it..... My mother did this really neat thing though, every year she'd make up calendars with all the relative's birthdays on it, and include a little stationary set and tools and give them as gifts to try to keep the family communicating. She was a big letter writer. There was also an index in the back with everyone's contact info, phone, etc. That would honestly be my response to the post card as a gift. They are just young and bumbling along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Greedy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I vote tacky.A while back, we recieved a very nice wedding announcement from a distant relative. It let us know that the couple was married on a certain date ("X and Y are please to announce their marriage on...."). Not an invite - just an announcement. So, this sort of thing CAN be done politely and with grace. :iagree: This is what they should have done. And this is why Emily Post's Etiquette should be on the bookshelf of every classical homeschooler--right next to WTM.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I gotta tell ya..when I was working in retail...we'd get these folks in that would register for designer this, designer that, nothing but the best...yadda yadda... And then, one week after the ceremony, it would all come back to the store for cash refunds. We even had to refund wedding dresses, shoes, shirts..anything they ordered. There's people out there like that, I saw it a zillion times. And how they kept a straight face while doing it was beyond me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I can't believe the nerve some people have. I think that's rude AND tacky. "we can't or won't spend money to have you as a guest, but feel free to send a gift?". I think it's ridiculous. :iagree: Yup. Beyond the pale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 You could send them something very small and useful. I don't understand this type of behavior. I had a very cheap wedding in which all sorts of people attended -- most of them people I didn't know!-- so I'm not very sympathetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 That is so odd :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I have heard of couples who have purposefully small weddings, sometimes in faraway locations and I guess I could see sending something to make it clear... but isn't the whole point of coming back and having a reception later in order to invite everyone? It's not the actual wedding. You can rent a cheap hall and serve cheap food and just enjoy seeing family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 You could send them something very small and useful. I don't understand this type of behavior. I had a very cheap wedding in which all sorts of people attended -- most of them people I didn't know!-- so I'm not very sympathetic. My son, his cousin, got married at our home last month. It was very inexpensive but altogether lovely. The cousin and his significant other were invited. They didn't attend, didn't send regrets, and didn't send any acknowledgement of my son's wedding. And I never even thought about that until I received their non-invite ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2hunangirls Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Nope, not a thing. We got a high school graduation invitation from the son of an old college roommate. When dh saw the picture he said "who is that?". Which is a big clue they won't get a gift. I'm sure I sent invites to people that said the same thing. I don't remember who it would have been and I don't remember them not responding so it all worked out. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I don't know if I'd even send a card and if I did I wouldn't go out of my way to find a lovely one. :glare: Then again I'm not always the height of grace and ettiquette. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 awful. totally awful. I can understand not inviting everyone to Mexico. But everyone should be invited to the reception back home, even if it is just cake and punch at their house. We did that....got married in scotland just the two of us, but had a party at our house on our return. I made scottish foods to serve, Dh made a cake in the shape of Nessie, and we had a slideshow of pictures of our trip up. It was totally casual (I wore cordory pants and a sweater to give you an idea) and not that expensive. If we couldn't have afforded the food and drink (his friends do drink a lot) we would have done cake and punch and done it in the afternoon. Or not done anything at all, but also not sent out info. So no, no gift, no check, unless you end up invited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think you have you answer right there. Based on that, I might even skip the card... My son, his cousin, got married at our home last month. It was very inexpensive but altogether lovely. The cousin and his significant other were invited. They didn't attend, didn't send regrets, and didn't send any acknowledgement of my son's wedding. And I never even thought about that until I received their non-invite ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Oh my. My fears for the next gen are not far-fetched. I would absolutely not send them a gift. Perhaps you could send them a card saying you are happy for them, but are trying pay down debt and won't be sending them a gift... DO IT!:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I can't believe the nerve some people have. I think that's rude AND tacky. "we can't or won't spend money to have you as a guest, but feel free to send a gift?". I think it's ridiculous. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 LOL I love the card idea. I think that the proper etiquette in situations like this would have been to wait until AFTER the wedding, then send a card saying 'We're finally married. If you'd like to see pictures of our special day, please visit http://www.whatever.com' It would be somewhat appropriate (but still a little tacky), to put registry links there. No mention needs to be made of whether there even was a reception near home or not, and it's obvious why everyone wasn't invited to Mexico. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Hey, there ya go! Send them a box of tacks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 We received a postcard that said that since the couple wanted to start off married life (umm...five years later) debt free, and since the special wedding was going to cost a lot, they would not be able to invite "all the awesome people" they know and love to the reception (IOW we should not expect an invitation). But if we would like more information about their upcoming wedding (gift registries) we can go to XYZ website. They invited their grandparents, who can barely walk, to attend - probably knew that 2 invited guests would decline :D So...do I feel obligated to purchase a gift??? Definitely not! Should I purchase a gift - I would appreciate the hive input about that. :lol::lol: well - if they can't afford a big fancy wedding and invite all their extended family members, they sure shouldn't be getting married in mexico. sadly, the concept of having a wedding in your range of affordability seems to have gone by the wayside. I would send a "lovely" card wishing them well. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Well, um, you can turn me in to Miss Manners for this one, but I'm not one of those people that thinks that getting an invitation to something or an announcement about something obligates me to absolutely anything. :D Miss Manners would be the first to tell you that an invitation doesn't obligate you to do anything. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 :iagree:This is what they should have done. And this is why Emily Post's Etiquette should be on the bookshelf of every classical homeschooler--right next to WTM.;) I'm partial to Miss Manner's guide to rearing perfect children. (with the supplement of Miss Manner's guide to excruciatingly correct behavior) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulasue Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I gotta tell ya..when I was working in retail...we'd get these folks in that would register for designer this, designer that, nothing but the best...yadda yadda... And then, one week after the ceremony, it would all come back to the store for cash refunds. We even had to refund wedding dresses, shoes, shirts..anything they ordered. There's people out there like that, I saw it a zillion times. And how they kept a straight face while doing it was beyond me. My x-SIL returned all of her formal china and various other things from her wedding gifts and bought clothes with the money. Also, when I registered, we were having a hard time filling up our registry, since we were combining 2 households. The wedding saleslady told us to register for things we already had and we could bring them back and buy non house items. So I am always suspicious when I buy things from the big department stores. I'd probably send a card and maybe include a family recipe as a "Welcome to the Family" thought, but I wouldn't spend any more money than a card and stamp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I would be tempted to send them a clipping of the Dear Abby letter you write, with Abby's reply. Barring that, a Xerox of some book on manners. You don't have to say who it is from. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3browneyedboys4me Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I wouldn't buy or send anything. I think the whole thing is silly. Why bother sending postcards telling someone they aren't invited and then, ask for gifts? Mmmmm...don't think so! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 We even had to refund wedding dresses, shoes, shirts..anything they ordered.. didn't the store have a giant tag plastered on the dress in a conspicuous spot so it can only be returned if the tag is still attached? that's what nordstrom does with its prom dresses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walking-Iris Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Well I'm going to be the lone voice here and say I don't believe in wedding showers and baby showers (or registries) either. :leaving: I think it's totally not *my* responsibility to buy your KitchenAid mixer or baby bathtub for you. Now if invited to a wedding, I will get a nice card and a gift. And my gift will have meaning behind it. Meaning I want to get it for you because it made me think of you, not because you may have *need* of a kitchen appliance. If someone I know has a baby I'll buy a cute outfit or board book or toy or something for the mom because I want to, not because having a baby somehow entitles others to buy things for you. I've suffered through my share of baby showers where the mom to be complained about getting such and such when they really needed xyx, and i still remember overhearing my ex-sil complain about a (really cute) bird feeder because it was "useless." But yeah asking people to send a wedding gift to a reception you're not invited to is just beyond stupid. I would probably do nothing if it were me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 This is what I told dh. He was trying mightily to think that perhaps the non-invite wasn't rude, but I told him that they could have just sent out an announcement after the fact. No need to inform us that we weren't "awesome" enough :001_huh: Uh, yeah. My compliments to your husband on his generosity in trying to find a way that it's not tacky. It is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabrizia Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Oh yes totally tacky. DH's cousin sent us one of those, though they were having a small courthouse wedding and reception. DH and I thought it was the weirdest thing, it announced when and where they were getting married, but it wasn't an invite. We would have thought nothing of an announcement after the fact, but the whole info before the event was just tacky. That being said I have no problem with a destination wedding. Depending on where family is it is sometime cheaper to have it somewhere that isn't home anyways, since families can be all over these days. That being said the info of the wedding with the not invited thing, very tacky. I won't send more then a congratulation card if that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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