I will never, ever, ever understand DH's family. Ever.

[Gingerbread Mama]

I'm not looking to start a debate about family closeness, nor do you have to agree with me, I'm really just wanting to vent. A :grouphug: would not be unwelcome, though.

 

My MIL has always been, to my way of thinking, odd. She is paranoid about leaving our small hometown, she invites EVERY single drunk/drug addicted relative they have to her home at holidays because they are *family* (and this is after her grown DD and her husbands (first and second husbands) have asked that she not), she is obsessed with a certain grandchild (thankfully not one I gave birth to)... Talking to her makes me want to yank out handfuls of hair and scream, so I try to limit my contact with her.

 

DH is working in Chicago, about 9 hours from where we have a home. The kids and I have come out a couple of times for a few months at a time. It's nice, we have fun, there is so much more to do here, and we all get to be together. You'd think she would be happy about that, but no. She calls me all the time in a panic, crying and saying she is worried about us. She thinks the kids will get taken by child services because I homeschool, she thinks they'll be kidnapped or harmed, all because we are in Chicago. She NEVER does this when we are at home. Now, here's the thing, she had a stroke several years ago. DH wants to blame the whole thing on the stroke, but she was this way BEFORE. It's worse now, but she's always been afraid of the unknown and obsessive. It's just that before she had lots of activities to keep her busy, now she's disabled and sits around stewing. I can't have a reasonable conversation with her. Even if I manage to not lose it, and get across to her that we aren't in danger, she will be back at it within a week. She has taken to calling my mother when she can't get me (there are times when I know I'm not emotionally able to listen to her so I don't answer) and will cry and carry on to her. Again, DH thinks it's the stroke but she did that before, too. If I didn't answer the phone at home, she'd call my mom and start saying "Have you heard from her? Do you think she's hurt and can't get to the phone? Are the kids hurt?!" I mean, come on. Maybe I'm busy, maybe I'm out. Sheesh.

 

Not long ago DD had a skate/bike wreck with a neighbor kid. She fractured her wrist. I don't think I even told my mom about it when it happened, but I did text her a picture of DD with her arm in a splint and told her what had happened once it was over. Frankly, I just wanted to vent to my mom that I was worried DD would be in a cast and not be able to swim, and have her summer ruined. Anyway, DH told his brother, who apparently told their sister (because BIL doesn't speak to MIL at all), who then told MIL I'm guessing. So.... MIL calls me this morning. I have terrible cell reception in the apartment and we were doing schoolwork so I waited until we had a break and went outside to call her. I didn't get an answer, but left a message that I was returning her call, told her why I couldn't answer earlier, and told her to call me back if she needed to. I really wanted to just say "And we're fine so leave me the heck alone" but I didn't. On a hunch, I called my mom and, sure enough, MIL had called her and told her that "Someone told me GD broke her arm." Not that SIL told her, but "somebody". My mom said oh yeah, she did. Then she said "I'm surprised anyone knew. I haven't told anyone about it, I just found out and hadn't thought much about it." MIL then snapped "No, you didn't tell anyone, you sure didn't tell ME." Uh? :confused: Why would MY mother call anyone in DH's family and inform them of anything unless I had asked her to do so? So that is irking me.

 

Then, DH and I still disagree on the whole thing. He says that the issue is that his mother is now, basically, retarded from the stroke and I'm expecting her to act like an adult and she can't. First, no. She can hold adult conversations, she can remember somethings but not others. She can't read or recognize numbers anymore, but she isn't like a 4 year old cognitively for crying out loud. AND she was this way BEFORE the stroke!!!! My issue is, her husband has to dial the phone for her because she can't work one anymore. When she asks to call me, or anyone else that she obssesses about, why doesn't he ask why she wants to call and then, if it's asinine, say something like "Now, remember, DDIL told you that she was doing everything by the book with homeschooling. You already told her you were worried about CPS and she told you why that wouldn't happen. Let's not call about that again." The other issue I have is SIL. Why, WHY, would she tell her mother this if it's only going to upset her and cause her to obsess? I know MIL has this "thing" about not being informed. She had a cow when she inadvertently found out that I had ovarian cysts and hadn't told her. Um, I told DH. I talked with my mom casually about it, but I didn't call everyone I knew and say "Hey, just found out that I have ovarian cysts and I wanted you to know." I think DD's arm is along those lines. We are 9 hours away, we had it handled, it wasn't an emergency or huge, bad accident. We chose not to inform everyone of a minor fracture, what the heck is her deal? Honestly, the more she does this, the less I WANT to share with her. I don't like people demanding that I tell them every little thing.

 

The whole thing has me rankled, especially because DH knew that if she found out she'd be worrying me to death and blaming the whole thing on us being in big, bad Chicago (because, heaven knows, no kid could would have an accident in Podunk, USA..) He even made the comment that he'd been on the phone with his older son, who was with MIL, and didn't tell him in case he told MIL. His exact words were "I almost threw you under the bus, then backed the bus up over you." So he knew enough not to tell his son when he was with MIL, but he told BIL (and every time he tells BIL anything I can count the seconds until he tells it to SIL and SIL phones it in to MIL.... and I get "the call".) So I'm wondering WHY he continues to tell BIL anything. I so don't get this family. My grandmother could be a worrier, and my mom and uncle routinely didn't tell her minor stuff, just so they wouldn't have to hear her bemoaning it needlessly. We just don't do that carp in my family.

 

Oh, and before anyone asks, it isn't that DH is close to his mother. They don't speak, either. She constantly makes belittling remarks about him, and he, for his own reasons, hates her. So it isn't that he wanted his mom to know because they are close.

[pie]

:grouphug: I wish I had some advice! She takes the cake! Here is a big hug though.

 

Pie

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug:

 

In law dynamics can be draining. Really, really draining.

 

So :grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Oh, can your mom get caller ID? Maybe if no one else was available she'd call her son with her crazymaking ways....

[anoncalhan]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::001_smile:

[Gingerbread Mama]

:grouphug:

 

 

 

Oh, can your mom get caller ID? Maybe if no one else was available she'd call her son with her crazymaking ways....

 

My mom has caller I'd but feels bad screening her calls LOL FWIW, she doesn't call me to complain about it. She will call me as a "Man the lifeboats" sort of warning. Frankly it irritates ME that she calls my mom, it's creepy. Like "I will not be ignored!"

 

She wont call dh because she can't stand him. If I could get her to not like me I might be safe.

[justLisa]

I could LIVE with my MIL. HOwever, I can hardly stand to be in the same room as my mother anymore :glare:

[MrsBasil]

My mom has caller I'd but feels bad screening her calls LOL FWIW, she doesn't call me to complain about it. She will call me as a "Man the lifeboats" sort of warning. Frankly it irritates ME that she calls my mom, it's creepy. Like "I will not be ignored!"

 

She wont call dh because she can't stand him. If I could get her to not like me I might be safe.

 

:lol: Not laughing at you, but what a dilemma!

 

I'd feel the same way you do about MIL calling your mom. That would annoy me and creep me out to no end.

 

It's also doubly unfair that she doesn't like your DH, he defends her, and YOU have to deal with her. :grouphug::grouphug:

[AuntieM]

So, why haven't you moved to Chicago yet???

 

(btw, that is a rhetorical question....)

 

I am in a loosely similar situation. I understand your frustration. One thing I must constantly remind myself, though, is that my kids are watching how I walk out this relationship. So I try really hard to keep it in check.

 

I do reach the boiling over point every now and then, and distance does help. The biggest disappointment I have is the very real effect on my marriage. It's been challenging. I encourage you to avoid letting your MIL's actions interfere with the relationship between you and your dh. Yeah, that's why I, in your shoes, would have already packed for Chicago...

[kalanamak]

She needs meds. She is a miserable person whose thin rubber rim of coping was ruptured by a stroke. If you can't get her to geripsych, will a local doc give her a whisper of seroquel or divalproate?

 

I would screen calls, and consider a second line you use for non-family, or clue your mother and those you trust into a special ring (ring once, hang up or ring twice hang up and call back). You could also consider a weekly note (which she can re-re-re-read) "Everything is fine, and we enjoyed X and ate Y. Love...."

 

:grouphug:

 

I also think it is unfair you have to be the called person. Let hubby handle it. And, ask your mother for help in fencing this person off from you, if you can rely on your mother.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: And you don't have to understand, you just have to cope.

[Night Elf]

My sister used to be happy to tell my mom things about me because it was a diversion tactic. If mom was worrying about me, then she wasn't worrying about my sister. And my sister even admitted to doing it and believed it was totally okay to do it. Just a thought.

[Stacy in NJ]

establish some type of relationship with a physician?

 

Whoever's helping her with her medical issues should be communicating with a doctor about these behaviors.

[Gingerbread Mama]

Well she is taking a ton of meds and sees many specialists. I don't feel that the stroke caused this, it just took away her ability to do activities that kept her busy enough that she had less time to freak out. She probably should have been being treated for mental health issues her whole life. I don't think she's ever taken anything, she thinks this is what family does. Apparently they have a right to all information, whether you want to share or not.

 

It just shocks me that they let her do these things. I would be keeping my mother on a short leash lest she annoy anyone. Or dh if this were him. Just don't dial the phone, don't pass along info.

 

I hadn't considered SIL doing it to take heat off her. Hmmmm...

[Jennifer L]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[houseofkids&pets]

No advice, but sending :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. What an emotionally exhausting situation.

[plansrme]

This is why we should all go back to having children when we are young: so we have a break between caring for our own children and caring for/dealing with aging parents.

 

Terri

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: she reminds me of the descriptions of borderline or hysterical personality disorder. boundaries. just, boundaries.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: she reminds me of the descriptions of borderline or hysterical personality disorder. boundaries. just, boundaries.

 

Or an anxiety disorder and needs meds, mostly meds.

[Bluegoat]

She clearly can't cope and keep things in perspective. It is hard on you guys, but it might help to remember it is probably really hard on her too.

 

I agree that meds might help, a lot. Anti-anxiety drugs can make a huge difference.

[3browneyedboys4me]

:iagree:

This sounds very much like mental illness- OCD and some anxiety issues. I would seriously try to get her to the dr. if you can. I understand that you might not want to get involved. However, you might be just the right person to help her.

 

Otherwise, I think I would have very limited contact with her. I would not receive every call from her. I would possibly call her (at my convenience) once every two wks or something. However, I might not even do that. I guess it just depends on your circumstances. I was much more involved with my in-laws early in my marriage. About five years ago, maybe a little longer, I just quite trying to manage the relationship. It is what it is. I rarely talk with my MIL b/c she has mental health issues too. My fil is pretty good. We usually see him once a wk. He's easy. It's never an emotional thing with him. I appreciate that and respect it. So, we stay in touch.

 

Hopefully, you can find some sort of resolution!

 

 

 

 

 

She needs meds. She is a miserable person whose thin rubber rim of coping was ruptured by a stroke. If you can't get her to geripsych, will a local doc give her a whisper of seroquel or divalproate?

 

I would screen calls, and consider a second line you use for non-family, or clue your mother and those you trust into a special ring (ring once, hang up or ring twice hang up and call back). You could also consider a weekly note (which she can re-re-re-read) "Everything is fine, and we enjoyed X and ate Y. Love...."

 

:grouphug:

 

I also think it is unfair you have to be the called person. Let hubby handle it. And, ask your mother for help in fencing this person off from you, if you can rely on your mother.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: And you don't have to understand, you just have to cope.

[WTMCassandra]

She needs meds. She is a miserable person whose thin rubber rim of coping was ruptured by a stroke. If you can't get her to geripsych, will a local doc give her a whisper of seroquel or divalproate?

 

I would screen calls, and consider a second line you use for non-family, or clue your mother and those you trust into a special ring (ring once, hang up or ring twice hang up and call back). You could also consider a weekly note (which she can re-re-re-read) "Everything is fine, and we enjoyed X and ate Y. Love...."

 

:grouphug:

 

I also think it is unfair you have to be the called person. Let hubby handle it. And, ask your mother for help in fencing this person off from you, if you can rely on your mother.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: And you don't have to understand, you just have to cope.

 

Kalanamak is, as ever, the voice of sanity. And she has IRL experience as a physician for severely mentally ill patients. Listen to her!

 

:grouphug:

 

I would spend a lot less energy trying to manage your MIL and a lot more energy on the dynamic between you and your DH. It is totally not okay that he refuses to speak to her yet expects you to cater to her. That would be what I would be working hard on--that dynamic. I think he should either manage the calls or nobody answers her. And then your mom can block her number--this is not your mom's problem to deal with either. And I would also be chatting with DH about not revealing stuff to BIL that then generates drama for YOU to deal with. Also so not okay.

[Harriet Vane]

She needs meds. She is a miserable person whose thin rubber rim of coping was ruptured by a stroke. If you can't get her to geripsych, will a local doc give her a whisper of seroquel or divalproate?

 

I would screen calls, and consider a second line you use for non-family, or clue your mother and those you trust into a special ring (ring once, hang up or ring twice hang up and call back). You could also consider a weekly note (which she can re-re-re-read) "Everything is fine, and we enjoyed X and ate Y. Love...."

 

:grouphug:

 

I also think it is unfair you have to be the called person. Let hubby handle it. And, ask your mother for help in fencing this person off from you, if you can rely on your mother.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: And you don't have to understand, you just have to cope.

 

:iagree:

 

Speaking gently . . .

 

This IS because of the stroke. It's possible that it's early dementia as well. Negative personality traits are just as intrinsic, and just as negative or more so after a brain injury and/or with dementia.

 

Knowing the cause doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with, and it does sound truly difficult. :grouphug:

[LostSurprise]

:iagree:

 

Speaking gently . . .

 

This IS because of the stroke. It's possible that it's early dementia as well. Negative personality traits are just as intrinsic, and just as negative or more so after a brain injury and/or with dementia.

 

Knowing the cause doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with, and it does sound truly difficult. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but this is probably dementia from the stroke.

 

He says that the issue is that his mother is now, basically, retarded from the stroke and I'm expecting her to act like an adult and she can't. First, no. She can hold adult conversations, she can remember somethings but not others. She can't read or recognize numbers anymore, but she isn't like a 4 year old cognitively for crying out loud. AND she was this way BEFORE the stroke!!!! My issue is, her husband has to dial the phone for her because she can't work one anymore.

 

She can't read. She can't recognize numbers. She can't dial the phone but this isn't the stroke??

 

No offense, this is quite frustrating I know. My MIL is suffering from dementia. It exaggerates things that were there before the dementia started, but at heart it is the slow decay of her mind. It makes her more anxious, less able to express what she means, more frustrated, less reasonable, and sometimes impatient or angry.

 

If you're frustrated with her calling your mother, ask your mother to screen her calls or not answer.

 

Please have as much compassion as possible. I can't imagine going through what my MIL is going through now. Its terrifying for her, I can see that, its like losing control of your world. She sometimes tries to reassert control on things to make up for that lost feeling.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I am sorry you are dealing with such a mess.

[happi duck]

:iagree::iagree:

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but this is probably dementia from the stroke.

 

 

 

She can't read. She can't recognize numbers. She can't dial the phone but this isn't the stroke??

 

No offense, this is quite frustrating I know. My MIL is suffering from dementia. It exaggerates things that were there before the dementia started, but at heart it is the slow decay of her mind. It makes her more anxious, less able to express what she means, more frustrated, less reasonable, and sometimes impatient or angry.

 

If you're frustrated with her calling your mother, ask your mother to screen her calls or not answer.

 

Please have as much compassion as possible. I can't imagine going through what my MIL is going through now. Its terrifying for her, I can see that, its like losing control of your world. She sometimes tries to reassert control on things to make up for that lost feeling.

 

:iagree:

[weddell]

I hear you on some of these behaviors! My MIL has called my mom to complain that about information we didn't share with her. I, like you, don't think every personal, non-life-threatening medical has to be shared with everyone. My dh agrees too and really doesn't like being pestered by his mom.

 

My MIL has a tendency to make small things into big things. If you have a cold, she will treat you as though you have some life threatening infection that needs weeks in bed and many doctor visits. If you have a small accomplishment, she acts as though you single-handedly saved the universe. She does this for herself and for everyone else. There are no "mole-hills" only "mountains." It's not a huge problem now, but I can totally see that as she ages and if she ever has anything like a stroke, that this behavior could easily get out of hand and I'll be right where you are. It's really draining to talk with her sometimes.

 

She recently kept sending us messages about BIL's (her son) girlfriend's medical issues. It turned out to be some personal, not a big deal medical issue. I think I would have been livid if she had done the same thing to me.

 

I don't have any advice. :grouphug:

[mumto2]

Chicago sounds really peaceful if you screen your calls! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Or an anxiety disorder and needs meds, mostly meds.

:iagree:

And it does sound like there is some "residue" from the stroke making her previous behaviors now worse after it? Or early onset dementia?

[Lisbeth]

Kalanamak is, as ever, the voice of sanity. And she has IRL experience as a physician for severely mentally ill patients. Listen to her!

 

:grouphug:

 

I would spend a lot less energy trying to manage your MIL and a lot more energy on the dynamic between you and your DH. It is totally not okay that he refuses to speak to her yet expects you to cater to her. That would be what I would be working hard on--that dynamic. I think he should either manage the calls or nobody answers her. And then your mom can block her number--this is not your mom's problem to deal with either. And I would also be chatting with DH about not revealing stuff to BIL that then generates drama for YOU to deal with. Also so not okay.

 

Agree! The days of wife playing social secretary are rapidly fading. He should be dealing with his mom, you with yours - the bulk of it at least. Tag! DH needs to be "it."

[Lisbeth]

So more than one of you has a MIL who called your mom to complain about? Wow! That is so nuts! My mom would hand MIL her behind if that happened. It would NOT be a pretty conversation for my MIL. But it would be entertaining for me!

[kalanamak]

:iagree:

And it does sound like there is some "residue" from the stroke making her previous behaviors now worse after it? Or early onset dementia?

 

Years and years ago I had a lady in her 70s come in with pneumonia. She was a real handful (needy, loud, stubborn, swatted you) but not floridly demented ("alert and oriented"). Her daughter wept and told me a tale of woe that involved this woman living with her and hubby as soon as she was widowed, and being verbally abusive, angry, difficult, etc. Daughter wept and wept and was at wits end. Well, when we discharged her, we didn't send her home, but secretly to geriatric psych, where she was told she couldn't go home for at least a couple of weeks. She responded by screaming for an hour.

 

But she stayed, and got on meds, and when I saw them later the daughter wept again: in joy. "Mom goes outside to GARden. Mom gets on the van and goes to adult day care and plays CARDS. I finally have the mother of my childhood back. She likes her grandchilden!"

 

Now, that was an extreme story, but I've seen enough stories along those lines to encourage people not to just dismiss difficult old people.

[WishboneDawn]

Well she is taking a ton of meds and sees many specialists. I don't feel that the stroke caused this, it just took away her ability to do activities that kept her busy enough that she had less time to freak out. She probably should have been being treated for mental health issues her whole life. I don't think she's ever taken anything, she thinks this is what family does. Apparently they have a right to all information, whether you want to share or not.

 

It just shocks me that they let her do these things. I would be keeping my mother on a short leash lest she annoy anyone. Or dh if this were him. Just don't dial the phone, don't pass along info.

 

I hadn't considered SIL doing it to take heat off her. Hmmmm...

 

You know what? I wouldn't argue with my husband about WHY she is like she is anymore because it's sort of beside the point. I'd probably even agree with him for the sake of a united front because the real issue is that her behaviour isn't the behaviour of a healthy person and a) she needs medical attention to address it and b) you should not be the person bearing the weight of her behaviour.

 

You and your DH need to discuss this and come up with a plan for addressing both problems.

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

No advice, but it sounds like you could use some extra :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[sassenach]

She has taken to calling my mother when she can't get me (there are times when I know I'm not emotionally able to listen to her so I don't answer) and will cry and carry on to her. Again, DH thinks it's the stroke but she did that before, too. If I didn't answer the phone at home, she'd call my mom and start saying "Have you heard from her? Do you think she's hurt and can't get to the phone? Are the kids hurt?!" I mean, come on. Maybe I'm busy, maybe I'm out. Sheesh.

 

 

I can count the seconds until he tells it to SIL and SIL phones it in to MIL.... and I get "the call".) So I'm wondering WHY he continues to tell BIL anything. I so don't get this family. My grandmother could be a worrier, and my mom and uncle routinely didn't tell her minor stuff, just so they wouldn't have to hear her bemoaning it needlessly. We just don't do that carp in my family.

 

.

 

We seriously have the same MIL. The first paragraph quoted, I could have written. Once, instead of going straight home from her house, I had an appointment that detoured me for a couple of hours. (pre cell phone) MIL called our house after the 45 min it should have taken, and when we didn't pick up, she called my mom AND my grandmother. If your MIL is like mine, the calling is only going to get worse. I had to coach my mom and grandma to not take those calls. They weren't always welfare calls. Most of the time, they were calls to squeak out information about our family.

 

Like you, we hold back a lot of info from MIL. She has paranoid personality disorder (well, that's my diagnosis anyways) and will create elaborate situations in her mind. Any info that she gets from my family gets added to the web. My mom got really good about avoiding and redirecting, my grandmother never did. I think my grandma always liked being in the middle of the action, lol.

 

Another thing I can relate to is the BIL/SIL thing. I really think that kids who grow up with this kind of mom have a natural defense system of redirecting her attention. DH and his siblings are all so good at it, it's almost funny (if it wasn't so sad). To get them all in a room together is like watching verbal ballet. One will ever so slightly bring a nugget of information up, and boom! mom is on that kid like white on rice. And the 4 siblings will just redirect her all night long.

 

It's actually DH's dad who's the big offender of slipping her information. FIL and MIL are divorced. DH is really close to his dad, but dang if every little bit of news doesn't travel from his dad, to his brother, straight to his mom.

 

So, all that to say, I feel your pain! Sadly, after a huge, ugly situation a few years ago, we cut things off with his mom. Part of me has deep compassion for her. She's truly not right in the mind and I don't want to add loneliness and pain to that. But the mama part of me knows that in order to protect our kids from living through the mental torment that dh and I have had to, we needed to cut things off (at least for awhile). It gets really hard when your kids are old enough to have their own phones and get batsh$% crazy phone calls from mentally disturbed relatives. It changes the way you have to run things a bit.

 

(((HUGS))) to you.

[Impish]

I've handed over 95% of MIL dealings to Wolf. Makes my life a lot more pleasant, and he's gotten stronger in dealing w/her, b/c she can't pull stunts on me and then deny it.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:

[jewellsmommy]

I've handed over 95% of MIL dealings to Wolf. Makes my life a lot more pleasant, and he's gotten stronger in dealing w/her, b/c she can't pull stunts on me and then deny it.

 

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. :iagree: We have a similar stance.

Mentally/emotionally unstable in-laws are difficult.

 

And for the op, a much needed :grouphug:.

[mommaduck]

She needs meds. She is a miserable person whose thin rubber rim of coping was ruptured by a stroke. If you can't get her to geripsych, will a local doc give her a whisper of seroquel or divalproate?

 

I would screen calls, and consider a second line you use for non-family, or clue your mother and those you trust into a special ring (ring once, hang up or ring twice hang up and call back). You could also consider a weekly note (which she can re-re-re-read) "Everything is fine, and we enjoyed X and ate Y. Love...."

 

:grouphug:

 

I also think it is unfair you have to be the called person. Let hubby handle it. And, ask your mother for help in fencing this person off from you, if you can rely on your mother.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: And you don't have to understand, you just have to cope.

:iagree: It does sound like she has a bit of paranoia, which will only get worse with age and medical conditions. Also, it's a form of control in her life and a way of feeling in touch and useful in everyone's life. She may have even been raised with this idea of "elders must be told everything" ideal; I've known people where it was considered an insult if you didn't and caused them to "worry".

[sbgrace]

This may have already been said but some of it sounds very much like OCD to me. That would have existed pre-stroke but time on her hands to ruminate could make it worse. Medication for OCD could help if, indeed, that is the case. The emotional stuff and interaction things might be personality or even disorders of personality of course. I could see how a stroke could make things more extreme in those areas. Anyway, I think she would benefit from a mental health evaluation and treatment if possible.

 

None of that makes it easier for you. :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

Please encourage your husband to have his mother seen by a doctor.

[Gingerbread Mama]

She had a stroke! Most of my relatives had strokes that led to their deaths, many way too early in life. It can change behavior drastically.

I feel sorry for what you're going through, but there's no way in h#ll I'd be so upset with my MIL if she'd had a stroke. The woman needs medical help, or therapy.

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but this is probably dementia from the stroke.

 

 

 

She can't read. She can't recognize numbers. She can't dial the phone but this isn't the stroke??

 

No offense, this is quite frustrating I know. My MIL is suffering from dementia. It exaggerates things that were there before the dementia started, but at heart it is the slow decay of her mind. It makes her more anxious, less able to express what she means, more frustrated, less reasonable, and sometimes impatient or angry.

 

If you're frustrated with her calling your mother, ask your mother to screen her calls or not answer.

 

Please have as much compassion as possible. I can't imagine going through what my MIL is going through now. Its terrifying for her, I can see that, its like losing control of your world. She sometimes tries to reassert control on things to make up for that lost feeling.

 

Well, I have to respectfully disagree and redirect you to my first post. The things like not recognizing numbers, or being able to dial a phone, or read...those are stroke related. However, the paranoia and over-inserting herself (is that even a word? I don't know how else to say it) have existed for years before the stroke. She truly believes that being blood related to DH gives her the right to demand information, and she's always been terrified of anything outside our home county. I've been married to DH for almost 15 years, it became clear to me that she wasn't mentally sound fairly early in the marriage. She also isn't truly "old", she is early 50's and this stroke, unfortunately happened a few years ago during a heart procedure.

 

I do think the stroke has caused her many disabilities, but it has also caused her to have too much time to focus on her paranoia, which existed well before any stroke. She basically has no boundaries and is overly familiar. She has brought up our sex life, specific sex acts, etc.. She wants 24 hour access to us all. And that was all pre-stroke.

 

And I would also be chatting with DH about not revealing stuff to BIL that then generates drama for YOU to deal with. Also so not okay.

 

I agree. I think DH absently mentioned it. Like BIL said "So how's things?" And DH probably said something like "Good. DD broke her arm, not much else." BUT then BIL started the "prayer chain" (my sarcastic term for gossip mill LOL) and it got back to MIL. I think BIL is a psycho, and he's another reason I'm happy to be out of their reach, but I don't think he did it to cause me trouble this time, he just doesn't "get" wanting privacy. I will say that I've prepared our house to go on the market and I'm looking at other places to live, too far for them to jump in the car and arrive unannounced on my doorstep. Mostly due to BIL and MIL, well all due to them. The rest of the family just tolerates them and complains behind their backs , which I find odd. In my family, we'd say "You're being a weirdo. Stop or I'm not going to see you anymore." ;)

 

Please encourage your husband to have his mother seen by a doctor.

 

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately as I don't want more contact with his family, we don't have anything to do with her appts. Her husband (DH's stepdad) wants to be solely responsible for that. Which is fine, except I wish he'd manage her better. He doesn't HAVE to dial the phone for her to call me, ask what she wants to talk to me about and if it's that she thinks SWAT is going to break in our door just for having kids home during the day in Chicago, tell her no and move on. DH and his mother don't speak unless they happen to end up in the same room and then it's just a civil hello. So he wouldn't be taking her to or going to any dr appts. SFIL wouldn't take me telling him that she is having mental issues, and has had them for years, well at all. He babies her and gives her whatever she wants.

 

I have been avoiding telling her she is going to have to leave me alone, but I think it's come down to it. I asked that if my mom felt she couldn't NOT answer (and again, if mom doesn't answer, MIL gets SFIL to take her to the house, so I guess answering the phone is the lesser evil for my mom) to just say "Huh, I dunno." and play dumb.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Gingerbread Mama

[Tammyla]

Read the book, BOUNDARIES by Townsend and Cloud. (Your library may have a copy.)

 

The book can help you cope, even if you're dealing with crazies or others in need of medical care.

[Forget-Me-Not]

She probably makes her husband's life a literal living hell if he refuses her requests. She drives you crazy from a distance, but he has to live with it.

[mommaduck]

She probably makes her husband's life a literal living hell if he refuses her requests. She drives you crazy from a distance, but he has to live with it.

Agree! He probably dials so he can quit hearing about it. He figures dialing is the lesser of two evils (the other is being driven insane). I would respectfully request that he not dial the phone, that you don't like to have to hear her constant complaining that you aren't sharing every. single. detail. of your life with her or her complaining about all her fears and worries. Otherwise, I would just let it go and roll your eyes while talking with her. Realise that this is where she is at and she is not in full control of it.

[arghmatey]

Well she is taking a ton of meds and sees many specialists. I don't feel that the stroke caused this, it just took away her ability to do activities that kept her busy enough that she had less time to freak out. She probably should have been being treated for mental health issues her whole life. I don't think she's ever taken anything, she thinks this is what family does. Apparently they have a right to all information, whether you want to share or not.

 

It just shocks me that they let her do these things. I would be keeping my mother on a short leash lest she annoy anyone. Or dh if this were him. Just don't dial the phone, don't pass along info.

 

I hadn't considered SIL doing it to take heat off her. Hmmmm...

 

Yes, you could be the decoy. That's what my girlfriends and I call it.

[arghmatey]

So more than one of you has a MIL who called your mom to complain about? Wow! That is so nuts! My mom would hand MIL her behind if that happened. It would NOT be a pretty conversation for my MIL. But it would be entertaining for me!

 

Same here. First, though, my mother would hunt down the person who gave MIL her number. LOL

[Mrs Mungo]

My ex/late FIL had alzheimers, but it took years of strange behavior for them to recognize it. He started gambling away large amounts of money, he ruined engines of machines by putting the wrong fuel in them, he hit on MIL's friends. She left long before he was actually diagnosed. By the time he was diagnosed? He had alienated everyone with his behavior, and he had nobody to help care for him. It happens a lot.

[Rosie_0801]

Introduce her to Twitter?

 

Just kidding. (Maybe.)

 

 

Rosie