NanceXToo Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Last night we used a babysitter for the first time. She's 19 and her dad was a repeat client of my husband's and they became friendly. The daughter became a repeat client, too. So while I never met her, my husband had quite a few times and was comfortable with her as a babysitter. So last night she watched them from 7:45 til late at night. All seemed well when we got home, kids sleeping, she said no problems, house in order. This morning my almost 11 y/o daughter said that right after Ben went to bed (around 9), a guy came over and was still here when dd went to bed at 10. I'm not happy. She didn't ask, the guy is not someone my husband has met. I won't be asking that girl to babysit again, I don't think that was appropriate! How would you react? Get annoyed? No big deal? Say something to her? Just not ask her to sit again? Say something to the parents? Or what? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would absolutely say something. A strange man whom you don't know, alone in your house with your kids? Yes, I'd be p*ssed, to say the least. If she were younger, I may pass it off as a stupid mistake. But at 19, I would not allow her to babysit anymore. If she thought you were fine with it, she would have mentioned it to you. Like, "Hey, Boyfriend is going to stop by at 9, if that's ok". I don't think I'd say anything to the father, unless he asks how it went or if she'll be sitting again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 This has happened to me as well. I would fire her. That is what we did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 At age 19, I would not mention it to the parents. I would also not have her sit again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 No way! I wouldn't have her babysit my kids again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbkaren Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 That's a little presumptuous of her. Here's my take: She's an adult so if you like how she interacted with your kids and want to use her again, I'd tell her that in the future you need her to ask you if she plans on having someone else come over (or, tell her that you don't want her to bring anyone else over). If you don't care to have her watch your kids anymore, I'd just stop calling her. If her dad asks your husband what happened, he could just mention that she brought a guest over without your knowledge and that kind of put you off. That way, the dad can drop the hint to her that it's not acceptable to do that and hopefully she'll learn for future gigs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 she's an adult now so I certainly wouldn't say anything to the parents. I also wouldn't have her sit for me again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Yes, I would say something. I would frame as a "miscommunication" :D, so she wouldn't immediately get defensive. I would communicate your rules and make sure she understands them. I would keep the tone friendly, but then I would find alternate babysitters in the future. We've allowed boyfriends in the past, only when asked, and only for one sitter (they were engaged). I don't know what the going rate is, but you're paying her to babysit, not socialize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 She should have asked first. DH (then boyfriend) used to come with me from time to time when I had a regular babysitting gig during college. But I wouldn't have dreamed of having him do that unless I had received express permission from the parents first. What she did seems sneaky, and I would not be asking her to come back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would NOT be okay with her bringing another person into my home without my knowledge and approval. She is 19 so I would not bother telling her parents. But I would not want her services again for showing such poor judgement. I would look for a new sitter and spell out that no "guests" are allowed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxanne23 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) . Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Sorry, boyfriends of babysitters are 100% not allowed here. We say upfront that guests are not allowed and if that is broken (it never has been) then they do not babysit for us anymore. We only have girls we know from church babysit, and we know them and their families very well. If one of them had brought a boyfriend, even if she was 19, we would be telling their parents. But that is because they would have known our rule before hand, and then explicitly broken it. We know the families too well NOT to say something. In your case, I would call the girl and explain that you were not okay with guests in your home who you didn't know and that you would no longer be calling her. Politely, but firmly. Children are too precious to be entrusted to complete strangers and an adult should know better than to invite a stranger into another persons home without permission. Even a 19 year old adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 If you just don't 'ever hire her again, she may never know that what she did is wrong. If she knows it's wrong, then she's never being called out on it. What good does that do her, either way? I would call her and tell her that you are upset she brought her boyfriend over. Explain that when she is hired to babysit, you are inviting her into your home because you trust her. It is a breach of trust for her to bring other people over who you do not trust and who are not under your supervision. Tell her this is the expectation EVERY babysitting client will have, and that if she wants to continue to babysit for people, she needs to make sure her friends do not tag along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 That would *really* tick me off! I certainly wouldn't use her as a babysitter again. Will your husband see her and/or her father again? It would be very hard for me to hold my tongue if I had to see either of them again, honestly. We've never used an outside babysitter. We've always had parents watch the kids the few times we've gone out alone in their lifetime. We're not able to use parents anymore due to distance and health reasons. We're currently feeling burned out and I was just thinking about finding a babysitter this AM. Maybe not, now :glare:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I'm not happy. She didn't ask, the guy is not someone my husband has met. I won't be asking that girl to babysit again, I don't think that was appropriate! How would you react? Get annoyed? No big deal? Say something to her? Just not ask her to sit again? Say something to the parents? Or what? I'd tell her that because she had her bf over, I will not be using her again. (depending upon how good a babysitter she was AND how sincerely contrite she is, I *might* think about giving her another chance). she needs to understand why, and if no one tells her that was a big no-no, how will she know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 . It is a breach of trust for her to bring other people over who you do not trust and who are not under your supervision. . that and she's being paid to pay attention to the kids - not the bf. (or any other friend). iykwim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulieH Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 No WAY would I ever stand for that. She would never sit for me again and I would let her know that I was upset/angry/whatever. I would not fly off the handle, but I would call her on it and tell her that it is entirely inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 If you just don't 'ever hire her again, she may never know that what she did is wrong. If she knows it's wrong, then she's never being called out on it. What good does that do her, either way? If it had been my babysitter, she would have known that was one of the rules from the beginning. But really I can't imagine what kind of sitter thinks they can invite folks over to another person's house without gaining the permission of the owners. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stayseeliz Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 This has happened to me as well. I would fire her. That is what we did. My thoughts exactly. She didn't ask and I would've said no if she did! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Calmly and terminally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbkaren Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Well, again I have to say, if you liked her and want to use her again, I can see giving her the benefit of the doubt since you didn't lay out the rules beforehand. Perhaps her last babysitting job allowed guests and she just assumed that's the norm? If you don't care that much for her, though, I'd ditch her. No harm done-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Last night we used a babysitter for the first time. She's 19 and her dad was a repeat client of my husband's and they became friendly. The daughter became a repeat client, too. So while I never met her, my husband had quite a few times and was comfortable with her as a babysitter. So last night she watched them from 7:45 til late at night. All seemed well when we got home, kids sleeping, she said no problems, house in How would you react? Get annoyed? No big deal? Say something to her? Just not ask her to sit again? Say something to the parents? Or what? Technically she is adult, so i would go to her first, if she is still living under her parents roof then let them know. Tell her you have never had this problem, but you hired her to sit not any friends of hers, guys or girls, and if this is a problem to let you know...maybe next time she will ask before assuming. When my husband was still my fiancee, he did come once or twice to visit but only when I was doing week stays and he would only stay for 2-3 hours and i def told the families...i was 23 at the time... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Not appropriate at all to bring any visitor over without permission, especially as it is likely to distract her from her job: watching your kids. Apparently I learned to some new words as a young kid, which my mother finally found out I learned from a babysitter's boyfriend who'd just been released from prison! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would not find that acceptable and would not use her again. However,,,I seem to remember doing the same thing oh...30 years ago? The parents never seemed to mind and I knew several other girls who did the same thing. It was the norm if irc. But, yeah, I wouldn't like that now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would simply not hire her again. There's no reason tell anyone (her dad) why. If you run into her and she asks you can tell her, but otherwise no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 My husband is SO non-confrontational. He would rather just not say anything to her or her parents (even though she lives with her parents and he's friendly with her dad) and just not call her and ask her to babysit again. I'd personally like him to tell her that we found it upsetting and inappropriate to hear from our daughter that she had brought a strange guy into our home and around our children without our permission. But he's not going to want to say anything like that (and is also not going to want to risk losing their business at his shop, probably). I don't even know the girl's phone number to say something myself. And don't want to put my husband in an awkward position. So maybe I'll have to let this one go and not ever say anything to her, and just not ask her to babysit again (which is a given). If we ever get another sitter outside of family, which doesn't come up all that often anyway, I guess I will have to tell them up front that they are not allowed to have people in our house without our permission. I guess I just assumed a 19 year old would have enough common sense to know that and wouldn't do so without permission and that I wouldn't have to lay out those kind of "rules" up front. Apparently that would be a false assumption. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4wildberrys Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 So not okay! At 19 she most definitely should know better. I would mention it to her and never have her back again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I'll be a voice of dissent. I think it depends. We had something like this happen with a regular sitter. She was young - 17, I think. She was the best friend of a good friend's daughter, which is how we found her. She had sat for us off and on for months when the kids were little (she's since moved away) so we knew her pretty well. We had an all day wedding to go to and she showed up... with the boyfriend. Dh and I kinda went... um... huh? She was a little abashed, but we talked to the guy and decided we didn't mind. It was no big deal. They were with the kids all day and into the late night (the wedding wasn't close so we didn't get home until around 1am). It was fine. I do feel like it was unprofessional of her not clear it with us first and it could have been bad, but we knew her and knew a little of her community so it worked out fine. She was always really responsible, but also a bit socially awkward, so I chalked it up to that. That said, I think any parent would be 100% justified in firing a sitter if she did that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Furious. Not even for the fact that she didn't ask and it was your house, but how did YOUR kids feel having a strange person there, without you and your Dh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would be ticked big time, and not only would I not hire her again but I would contact her and tell EXACTLY why she would never be watching my kids again. She is too old to be telling her parents but you can bet I would be contacting her directly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I'll be a voice of dissent. I think it depends. We had something like this happen with a regular sitter. She was young - 17, I think. She was the best friend of a good friend's daughter, which is how we found her. She had sat for us off and on for months when the kids were little (she's since moved away) so we knew her pretty well. We had an all day wedding to go to and she showed up... with the boyfriend. Dh and I kinda went... um... huh? She was a little abashed, but we talked to the guy and decided we didn't mind. It was no big deal. They were with the kids all day and into the late night (the wedding wasn't close so we didn't get home until around 1am). It was fine. I do feel like it was unprofessional of her not clear it with us first and it could have been bad, but we knew her and knew a little of her community so it worked out fine. She was always really responsible, but also a bit socially awkward, so I chalked it up to that. That said, I think any parent would be 100% justified in firing a sitter if she did that. But see your situation is different in that you had the chance to meet the guy and give the okay for him to be there. If something felt off you could have sent him away. The OP did not have that chance. This girl brought a boy into the home without asking permission. And clearly she thought it was wrong or the boy would have still been there when teh OP and her dh got home, and/or she would have mentioned it to the OP and dh so they would not be caught off guard when the kids mentioned it kwim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) I would call her and ask her the identity of the person who was there and how long was he there (when did he arrive, when did he leave). Some nerve she has to invite others into your house. I would never have her back, and hope the conversation would not get that far. I would also hope the words "what's the big deal?" didn't somehow crop up. Edited August 20, 2011 by mirth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 That's a little presumptuous of her. Here's my take: She's an adult so if you like how she interacted with your kids and want to use her again, I'd tell her that in the future you need her to ask you if she plans on having someone else come over (or, tell her that you don't want her to bring anyone else over). :iagree: The sitter was a bit presumptuous; she should've asked before allowing someone else to come over while she was babysitting. However, to a great degree, my reaction to all of this would depend on whether the sitter & her boyfriend were doing or saying anything inappropriate. I mean, were they making out on the sofa or watching dirty movies, or were they just sitting there watching television or studying? The OP said the kids were in bed and the house was in order when she & her dh arrived back home, so apparently, the boyfriend didn't keep the sitter from doing what she was supposed to be doing. The OP said that one child was already in bed when the boyfriend arrived, and the other child went to bed less than an hour later. The OP seemed to indicate that the boyfriend wasn't there when she & her dh came home, so maybe he left soon after the second child went to bed--in which case, he would've been there only about an hour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would be livid. Say something to her, say something to her parents, and if possible don't hire her again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I'd be livid. I would not have her babysit again & I would let her know why. Bringing strange men into the house when my kids are there & I'm not without permission? I don't think so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabrett Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hummm...I wonder if she actually invited her boyfriend. I had a boyfriend show up when babysitting one time. I was so embarrassed! I made him leave after about 30 mins. I would have been very hurt if someone fired me without asking what happened. Sometimes guys just show up if they know where you are.:glare: Thinking back, I probably shouldn't have let him in, but I was 17, put on the spot and didn't want to be rude. PS The lady I babysat for knew my boyfriend, so he wasn't a stranger. Don't know if that makes a difference or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 That is a BIG NO in the babysitting code of ethics... if there was one. I was babysitting for a family (the daughter's name was Christie Brinkley and it was in honor of the model) and got yelled at in public because the parents were told by the three year old that my boyfriend came over. The reality was that my cousins had just gotten into town and walked over to say hi while I was outside playing with the little girl. Then we all walked to the playground together. I was furious with the family for thinking that I was that kind of girl. I never let my cousins come inside the house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 At 19 the only consequence I'd be comfortable with would be to not have her back as a babysitter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suppleasthewind Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would not ask her to sit again. I did a lot of babysitting and even though no one said don't bring a boyfriend over, I instinctively knew that it was definately not ok. Of course, I never had boyfriends during my babysitting career. :o But I just know I wouldn't have done it anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I wouldn't say anything myself unless she asks why you haven't asked her to babysit again. If you don't want her to babysit again there is no point in potentially ruining the relationship she has with your dh as a client. That could mean a loss of business. I am only confrontational when confronted first! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I would absolutely NOT contact her parents. She's an adult. Honestly, I think it would be insulting, infantilizing, and wrong to go to her parents. She was your employee, and I can't imagine a situation where an employer would be justified in contacting the parents of an adult employee about their performance at work. That said, I think you'd be completely justified in never using her again, and in letting her know why if you feel like that is something you want or need to do. In this case, I'd mainly be annoyed that she didn't tell me. If it was a sitter I liked and trusted, and she said, "Oh, and my boyfriend stopped by for a bit," I wouldn't be super happy about it, but I wouldn't necessarily think it was a huge problem. I'd just let her know that either I'd prefer he didn't come over or that I'd want to meet him first, whichever was the case. But, I wouldn't be pleased that she didn't tell me and I had to find out from my child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Since she didn't clear it with you ahead of time, I would have been very ticked off. My first inclination would be not to have her sit for me again, but I wouldn't say anything to her parents, since she's 19. However, if she was otherwise a good sitter, I might be inclined to give her a second chance, but specify that no other people were allowed. Maybe down the line, if she sits for you frequently and has a serious boyfriend, it might be appropriate to allow the boyfriend to come over, but not right now, for sure. I remember one time my parents had a sitter of about 16 to watch us (which was infrequent; I was about 8), and she invited her friend and at least one boy, I think two, over. My parents were NOT pleased and never had that sitter again. Otoh, when I was a senior in college (so, 20/21), I babysat for a couple with one little baby, who drank a bottle and cuddled with me for a bit and then went to sleep for several hours. The couple actually told me to invite my fiance over so we could hang out and watch movies; as long as I had the baby monitor and checked on the baby occasionally, it was no big deal. But I would never have invited him if the couple hadn't specifically okayed it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 My reaction would be cold rage and an emphatic, "You're fired. Forever" NOBODY gets access to my kids or my home without clearing it with me first. Totally inappropriate to bring any other person into your home without talking to you about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 That would be a deal breaker for me. I'd have a problem with her having her best friend girl over too. It's the principle of the thing. You are paying her to watch your kids, not visit with her friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 She should have asked first. DH (then boyfriend) used to come with me from time to time when I had a regular babysitting gig during college. But I wouldn't have dreamed of having him do that unless I had received express permission from the parents first. What she did seems sneaky, and I would not be asking her to come back. :iagree: I probably would not hire her again, mainly because she did not clear it with you. Our (also 19 yo) sitter had her boyfriend over one night while sitting, but a) she asked first and b) I had met the boy before. And when I casually asked ds about it the next day he said they ate dinner and played scrabble til boyfriend left, then ds went to bed. That I have no problem with. If she had not run it by me first...:mad::thumbdown:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.