s/o weight change since marriage - "obligation" to maintain appearance

[Hoggirl]

So, what prompted me to do the poll on weight gain since marriage was a conversation I had with a friend. I am trying to decide if I agree with her or not.

 

She believes that wives (and husbands, too) have an "obligation" to try to maintain their appearance as best as they can after they marry. She feels like that appearance is what the person married, that they were counting on that appearance to basically continue, etc. and feels like we should all work to keep that appearance up.

 

She includes more than weight in her premise, but that was the easiest thing to measure. Overall she believes one should maintain weight and other controllable parts of appearance. As an example, if you were a woman who daily put on make-up and fixed your hair, you should continue to do that because that was the person your husband married. Not right after a baby, not when you are ill or there are family crises, but just generally speaking.

 

Before you throw stones... she is not an unreasonable person. She has had three children and understand things, uh, shift. She also is a nurse and understands that people have medical conditions or take medications that make weight maintenance impossible. She understands the evil of gravity :tongue_smilie: and that men cannot control losing their hair. But, within our power, she believes one should keep up one's appearances as best as possible to be as similar as possible to the day one married.

 

What do y'all think about this idea?

 

ETA: This is poorly written. Sorry!

Edited August 11, 2011 by Hoggirl

[Carrie12345]

I think it's crazy.

I married my husband with the assumption that we'd grow and change together. In more ways than one!

[Jennifer in MI]

I guess I have to agree - to a certain extent - for me. I mean, I married my dh for much more than his looks. But, I do try VERY hard to keep my appearance up because I want to remain physically attractive to him. (And, to be honest, I feel great when I work out. So some of my motivation is internal too.)

 

But, dh hasn't done that. He has gained a LOT of weight and, to be honest, it just isn't attractive. I mean, I still love him, but I also recognize that he doesn't look good on the outside. Is it his responsibility to ME to lose that weight? No. But, I sure wish he would.

 

I hope that doesn't make me shallow!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, thank goodness for dh that I didn't do much to keep up my appearance before we got married! :lol:

 

My dh is sweet and pretends not to notice how fat I am. So, for me I don't feel "obligated" to try to keep up a certain body weight. Frankly, he was more disturbed when I shaved off my hair when my bff was going through chemo. So, I promised him that I wouldn't do anything that radical again, unless I had to go through chemo. I just told him last week that I was sick of coloring my hair and was going to let it go gray. He gave a slight pause, and just said, "Okay.", so I guess he's a hair man. :tongue_smilie:

 

I used to dress a lot nicer when I worked in an office, and even though dh would never, ever say anything, I think he wishes I would occasionally lose the baggy T shirts and baggy shorts and sweat pants. But, once again, I feel under no obligation to dress nicely for my husband, unless we are going somewhere nice together. I certainly wouldn't get dressed in nice clothes to do the laundry, cook dinner, etc.

 

But, see, I was like this before we got married, so I see your friend's point. If a person drastically changes after marriage, I think it would be disappointing to a spouse. If someone is trying to hard to keep up a certain appearance in order to attract a mate, and then once that person "catches" the mate, I could understand the mate's being disillusioned.

[BamaTanya]

I have met several people with similar views, but I don't share them.

 

Disclaimor: When dh and I met (my early 20s) I was pretty hippy-ish. Long hair, little/no makeup, naturalistic in my philosophy and views.

 

So I would say I never gave him grounds for that expectation.

 

His mother -- I never met because she'd passed away 3 years earlier -- was consumed with appearances. Maybe that's too strong a word, but he has expressed that she cared more about how she looked -- her makeup and hair and jewelry -- than other things. Her health. Her relationships. Their financial position.

 

There have been times when I asked dh point blank: "Does this matter to you?" (My hairstyle, makeup, weight, etc.)

 

He wants me to be happy.

 

He has loved (physically desired) me when I was underweight (marriage), overweight (now), pregnant and nursing, plagued with derma**** or blessed with spells of clearer skin, and so on.

 

I don't think we ever had any appearance expectations of each other. We're not the best looking couple, though. Pleasant enough looking, but not gorgeous. Maybe that has something to do with it? Looks weren't what attracted us in the first place.

 

We do have awfully cute kids, though. :D Amazing how that happens. :D

[zenjenn]

I actually think that is very reasonable. I think this general philosophy shouldn't be limited to physical appearance but anything - sexual activity, level of romantic gestures, having a happy disposition.

 

I think spouses should continue to attempt to *earn* the other's affections long after they are married, while at the same time recognizing that things are not always going to remain static either. In my *personal* relationship, a high maintenance appearance has never been a part of our relationship on either side, but I do get that is a big part of the deal for many couples.

 

I am someone who has always struggled with my weight, and it has been much worse since having kids. My husband loves me and finds me attractive regardless. And I get that for many people, including myself, it's not just "Oh, I'll just lose weight" and no big deal.

 

But that doesn't mean I give up or I stop trying to be my best me. Always keep trying, in every aspect of your life. It doesn't stop. We all have lifelong battles and the most we can do is keep working on ourselves and making the effort. For ourselves and our spouses and the other people in our lives too. If I stopped trying, I'd probably be 300 pounds.

Edited August 11, 2011 by zenjenn

[BamaTanya]

Well, thank goodness for dh that I didn't do much to keep up my appearance before we got married! :lol:

 

My dh is sweet and pretends not to notice how fat I am. So, for me I don't feel "obligated" to try to keep up a certain body weight. Frankly, he was more disturbed when I shaved off my hair when my bff was going through chemo. So, I promised him that I wouldn't do anything that radical again, unless I had to go through chemo. I just told him last week that I was sick of coloring my hair and was going to let it go gray. He gave a slight pause, and just said, "Okay.", so I guess he's a hair man. :tongue_smilie:

 

I used to dress a lot nicer when I worked in an office, and even though dh would never, ever say anything, I think he wishes I would occasionally lose the baggy T shirts and baggy shorts and sweat pants. But, once again, I feel under no obligation to dress nicely for my husband, unless we are going somewhere nice together. I certainly wouldn't get dressed in nice clothes to do the laundry, cook dinner, etc.

 

But, see, I was like this before we got married, so I see your friend's point. If a person drastically changes after marriage, I think it would be disappointing to a spouse. If someone is trying to hard to keep up a certain appearance in order to attract a mate, and then once that person "catches" the mate, I could understand the mate's being disillusioned.

 

I think we agree!

 

I have a friend whose dh wouldn't agree to another dc (they have one). According to her, he didn't like what pregnancy did to her body. She was, at the time, a SAHM to one ds who went to school. He would ask her every day when he came home from work if she'd gone to the gym. :confused: He wanted her to get a more modern haircut, so she did. And then he said it needed to be lighter, so she went blond. :confused: My dh doesn't care. I color my hair and I ask him what he thinks, and he's fine with whatever I choose. He's told me he wouldn't mind if I quit and went gray again.

 

When I go to the gym, dh encourages me. But it's for ME. If I don't, he doesn't care. We wouldn't have a conversation about it at all if I didn't bring it up.

[Rhonda in TX]

I have mixed feelings about this. I understand where your friend is coming from, and agree to a certain extent. However, I've seen it taken too far and think it's shaky ground.

 

In the past year, I've started taking more care with my appearance. I had really let myself go. I started wearing makeup regularly again, got a good haircut, colored the gray again, lost weight, and dressing nicer.

 

Does my husband appreciate? Absolutely. Should he expect it? Maybe a bit. Should it be a defining point of our life together? No way.

[kewb]

To a degree I suppose I agree with this. It really depends on what you as a couple think are important for your relationship. For certain neither dh or I are the same as when we married. But, I do feel there is a certain obligation to be the best you can be during lifes different phases. I try to change out of my lazy pants before dh comes home. When I make an effort to be somewhat presentable (and the house looking a little picked up) when he gets home his transtion from work to home is more peaceful.

[Princess Peach]

DH and I got married with the expectation that we would grow old together. We knew we wouldn't be 24 forever!

 

That said, we both go to the gym regularly and keep ourselves up, so to speak. We do it both for health and appearance reasons. He looks better than he did when we got married and he says I do too. I think the key is communication and going in the same direction together.

[Osmosis Mom]

I would say looks does matter. I want to be physically attracted to my dh and since I am younger and have decent genes, then he has to try a bit harder than I do, I guess. He loves me any how, but definitely prefers the skinny me (I am naturally skinny so this is who he fell in love with and how I look naturally). When I would gain on average 50 lbs. in my pregnancies then he always felt tense over whether I'd lose the weight or not (even after 7 kids he was still wondering??! with the last one). He strongly prefers I don't show my greys, but won't mention it or anything. He is not superficial, but likes me well-kept (as long as it is on a budget, hehe). I have been nagging him a bit over the last few years to try and look more hip. He is trying, but he is an engineer and a thinker (professor-type), so what need I say!! He will monitor his own weight as he hates having a pot-belly, but he doesn't work out. He'll change his outfit for me and will put on some nice smell for me. It works!

[Hockey Mom]

I disagree. Before we were married, Dh and I decided that we would build our marriage on a biblical foundation. No where in the Bible does it say that either participant should maintain their physical appearance. It DOES mention mutual kindness, respect, patience, maturity, and honor.

 

I would take an overweight, balding husband who does loving things for/to me, over a self-centered 'good looking' man any day. No matter what age does to my Dh physically, I will always find him attractive on the outside because he is gorgeous in his soul.

[Negin]

Very interesting thread. I'd like to answer it later and read all the replies when I have more time.

But for now, just remembered this: years ago, an acquaintance told me that her ex used to extremely specific and demanding as to how much she should weigh and even gave her measurements that she would work towards. She was never even overweight. She divorced him and changed her s@xual orientation and was happy with her new partner. :tongue_smilie:

[amy g.]

I think it depends on your spouse's values. I was engaged to a physics professor, and one day, I was mopping the floor, and had an epiphany about how much my being physically beautiful meant to him and his self-esteem. I called off the wedding that day.

 

Instead, I chose someone who adored me for who I am inside. We spent our 13 month engagement talking about our expectations for the marriage and for our future family.

 

It is VERY important to him that I can be trusted, and that I'm smart, and that I'm generous and devoted to our children. My being beautiful is just an added bonus!

 

Before having these last two children in my 40s, I have stayed thin, and I am working on it in the sense that I eat well, and avoid sugar, but to return to my wedding size right now would require I drop other goals that are more important to us. That time may come, but it isn't today.

 

I agree more on keeping a happy temperament, and remaining close physically, but really, it is a bit unnatural for a person to remain unchanged for the 20 years we have been married.

 

I've gone through periods of PPD and a nursing baby in the bed makes intimacy a rare occurrence, but my dh has always said that he knows he will get his turn again, and he is just happy that I married him.

 

I think you friend knows if weight and appearance is an issue in her marriage or not, but I think it is a mistake for her to project that onto other marriages.

[Lily_Grace]

Dh makes me feel beautiful no matter how I look. :) But because of that, I also do things to live up to his thoughts of me.

[mommaduck]

I think it's crazy.

I married my husband with the assumption that we'd grow and change together. In more ways than one!

 

:iagree:

 

If appearances is what your friend believes a person married, then 1) I feel very sorry for her in missing out on what really counts and 2) she's in for a world of disappointment as she gets older.

 

I was drastically underweight when I married. I was not well and it could have killed me. My husband was thrilled when I gained weight. My family was thrilled for me. I was happier and healthier. Gaining weight was a GOOD thing for me. But it didn't happen till after the first baby. The first four babies had me at a good weight. The next couple, nothing really changed. The last few babies are what threw me up into the "overweight" category and I still get compliments one how "good" I look, even from practical strangers (not sure sometimes if it's compared to the fact that I've had eight kids or if it's really that I look good...I just thing, thank God they cannot see what my stomach really looks like under these clothes, that they can't see all the spots and remaining sores left from the PUPPPS and whatever autoimmune disorder I've been left fighting with, etc).

 

My husband has a spare tire. Despite that, he's grown to be more handsome than when I married him as a kid (I was nineteen and had been dating/courting/going steady with him since I was fifteen). We are both getting older. We've been through a lot compared to many people. We have a lot to care for together. We've dealt with each other's health problems. All these things will affect one's weight and appearances. I still find him handsome and notice when another woman notices my man. He, thankfully, still finds me beautiful. One day we will be old, gray, wrinkly, going bald, stooped, etc. As long as I can hold his hand, know we have each other's hearts, and we know each other's minds...that's all that matters to me.

 

Editing to add: to the person that intimacy should stay the same (if this is in reference teA)...that also fluctuates throughout marriage. Health, pregnancy, illness, etc can all affect these things. A spouse needs to respect that fluctuation and the underlying causes. At the same time, the other spouse can work to make sure that their loved one still feels loved, understands why they are in this fluctuation, and they can work together on it or realise, like the poster before me stated, that it will come around again.

Edited August 11, 2011 by mommaduck

[Guest Barb B]

Sounds shallow. Really - I try to maintain my weight for me and health reasons. If a dh had trouble with my weight gain, I would hope that it would only be because he was concerned for my health. Anything else is shallow!

 

Hopefully your friend thinks that this silly keep up your appearance goes both ways and not just for us ladies!

Barb

[stripe]

In many cultures around the world, it is expected that both parties will gain weight after marriage, which to them reflects being taken care of by the other, and childbearing by the woman.

 

This is a separate issue from keeping yourself nice. I don't see what's so great about letting yourself go, where you wear ratty, old clothes if you have other options. And unflattering pants are as easy to wear as flattering pants. This goes for both partners. Anyway one can be skinny or fat, and still be either nicely dressed/clean or dirty and wearing ugly clothes. Weight isn't the only factor he by a long shot. But it is worth recognizing that a busy parent won't have time to spend hours in front of the mirror -- that is a ridiculous expectation for daily life.

 

I also detect a lot of times that there is some latent hostility to getting dressed up for your husband, but it's seen as normal to do so for a boyfriend, with whom one really has zero commitment. I think this is interesting and sad.

[DarcyB]

I'm with Rhonda on this. My husband doesn't EXPECT me to put on makeup, lose weight, dress more nicely, etc. But I know he would love it if I did more often (well, not the makeup part, so much - he's not into that). But he would never expect it from me. But I think I do have somewhat of an obligation to make myself more attractive to him on a daily basis.

 

That doesn't mean I have to go all out, nor does it mean I have to give up my slovenly ways, but I do think he would like it much better if I were thinner (I know his 'type' and I'm not it - thank God he loves me so fiercly :D ), but he'd never require it of me, but I do know it would make him happier. I just wish I could stop being such a lazy-butt and get on with it.

 

But I do agree with the premise - to have married someone and changed so drastically on purpose would be a shock. Life gets in the way, and our bodies aren't perfect. But I blame myself for my physical change (no reason otherwise), and I know I've let him and myself down on that front. But he knew, going in, I wasn't stick thin and I was a low-maintenance kind of girl. And he loves me anyway.

[Wheres Toto]

DH and I got married with the expectation that we would grow old together. We knew we wouldn't be 24 forever!

 

 

 

:iagree:

Of course, we were already "older" when we got married. I was thinner and blonde when dh and I got married. He knew that the blonde was not my natural color, he knew I almost never wore make-up, he knew that I tended to gain weight when pregnant (and he wanted children badly). That stuff didn't matter to him. Yes, he was probably initially attracted by how I looked but it doesn't take long to get beyond that when you get to know someone. He appreciates how laid back and low key I am - it makes us a very good match. I am trying to lose weight but because I feel better at a lower weight than I'm currently at - dh helps by cooking healthy dinners but he doesn't push in any way.

 

DH has had white hair and been overweight since we dated. At times he looked just like Santa Claus. :D I love him and we have an excellent physical relationship.

 

I have a cousin who is a couple months older than me (42). Her husband takes the appearance thing to extremes. He wants her to stay the way she was when they married - blonde, tan, long nails, skinny, dressing in high heels/short skirts, make-up at all times. Just a few weeks after her son was born, he was on her to start going back to the gym and losing weight. This would seriously bother me. I dont' want a husband that I think is going to leave me if my appearance changes and I definitely don't want to be trying to keep up appearances when I'm 70 (not that I do it now). I know women whose husbands have never seen them without make-up. I think that is absurd.

[Hwin]

I heard this in wedding vows once.

 

I make an effort because I know my husband appreciates it, and he does the same.

 

The weight I do for myself. If for no other reason than the photos that will be passed down to posterity ;) I tend to crop myself out of pictures where I have a bulge or a double chin and... when that starts to be ALL the pictures, then it starts to look like Mom never existed :(

 

Anyway, I think that being attracted to each other IS important for marriage, but how much weight factors in... not sure.

[Wheres Toto]

:iagree:

 

If appearances is what your friend believes a person married, then 1) I feel very sorry for her in missing out on what really counts and 2) she's in for a world of disappointment as she gets older.

 

I was drastically underweight when I married. I was not well and it could have killed me. My husband was thrilled when I gained weight. My family was thrilled for me. I was happier and healthier. Gaining weight was a GOOD thing for me. But it didn't happen till after the first baby. The first four babies had me at a good weight. The next couple, nothing really changed. The last few babies are what threw me up into the "overweight" category and I still get compliments one how "good" I look, even from practical strangers (not sure sometimes if it's compared to the fact that I've had eight kids or if it's really that I look good...I just thing, thank God they cannot see what my stomach really looks like under these clothes, that they can't see all the spots and remaining sores left from the PUPPPS and whatever autoimmune disorder I've been left fighting with, etc).

 

My husband has a spare tire. Despite that, he's grown to be more handsome than when I married him as a kid (I was nineteen and had been dating/courting/going steady with him since I was fifteen). We are both getting older. We've been through a lot compared to many people. We have a lot to care for together. We've dealt with each other's health problems. All these things will affect one's weight and appearances. I still find him handsome and notice when another woman notices my man. He, thankfully, still finds me beautiful. One day we will be old, gray, wrinkly, going bald, stooped, etc. As long as I can hold his hand, know we have each other's hearts, and we know each other's minds...that's all that matters to me.

 

Editing to add: to the person that intimacy should stay the same (if this is in reference teA)...that also fluctuates throughout marriage. Health, pregnancy, illness, etc can all affect these things. A spouse needs to respect that fluctuation and the underlying causes. At the same time, the other spouse can work to make sure that their loved one still feels loved, understands why they are in this fluctuation, and they can work together on it or realise, like the poster before me stated, that it will come around again.

 

This was all beautifully stated and I definitely agree with the last paragraph. I don't see how anyone can expect their teA life to be teh same at childless and 18 compared to babies and 30's or children and 50's. It's not realistic. There's more to intimacy than teA.

[Garga]

I've never really thought about this issue, but now that I'm thinking about it...I somewhat agree.

 

I don't like the idea that a pp mentioned, about the husband who told his wife what measurements she should be and asked her if she went to the gym to make sure she was maintaining herself. That's just weird. But I do make an effort to continue to be attractive to dh. I don't even own ratty sweatpants. I dress nicely and wear a touch of makeup every day. Nothing fancy, just enough to look a little put together.

 

But I also agree with another poster who said she wishes her husband was more concerned about maintaining his own looks. When we got married my dh was very skinny. I'm attracted to skinny men, and I really loved the way my dh looked. Now, he's got a gut, and I wish it were gone. Have I ever TOLD him that? No way! It would hurt his feelings, and it's really not a big enough deal to bring up.

 

But since the question has been asked, and I'm thinking about it for the first time....then, yeah. I wish he was more trim. But I still love him dearly and it's not a deal breaker for us.

[Beth in OH]

I think the more realistic weight expectation is not what we looked like when we met, rather perhaps what our parents/grandparents looked like:tongue_smilie:. Now that I'm turning 50 this year, I am humbled to discover that it's not as easy as I thought it would be to "do better than my parents" at preventing weight gain. I think my thrifty gene ancestors must have fared quite well during the Irish potato famine :lol:.

[Veritaserum]

I agree with making small but meaningful gestures to look attractive (clean clothes that fit and are flattering; clean skin, hair, and teeth; etc.). I think it's unrealistic and unhealthy to put pressure on a spouse to stay the same.

 

Dh has gained 60 lbs. since we got married. I'm up about 10 lbs. after five pregnancies and hypothyroidism. Dh loves me despite this increase in weight and the shifting that has occurred due to pregnancy and breastfeeding. He loves it when I dress nicely and wear the (very little) make-up I tended to wear while we were dating. We both appreciate a more natural look. I'm not thrilled about his weight gain, but I still love him and our physical relationship is better than ever. ;) I am worried about his health, though, so I love it when he does exercise and limit his junk food intake.

 

My dad always harped on my mom about her weight. She was thin when they married and lost the weight after their first four babies. The fifth baby is disabled and my mom spent more time in the hospital with him than at home for the first year. He nearly died multiple times. It was an extremely high stress situation and she didn't lose the weight. She gained more. My dad hates it.

 

My dad does a lot of hiking and physically active things to stay fit. He avoids sweets and complains when they are in the house. My mom prefers sedentary activities and she loves sweets. 2-3 times since my disabled brother was born, my mom has lost over 100 lbs. My dad loved it, but she has always gained it back.

 

Because of my dad's obsession with my mom's weight, I am more conscious of my own. I hate that he's so focused on it. I think my mom would eat less and move more if he just loved on her no matter how much she weighed....

 

They have a lot of incompatabilities. This is one of many. But, they seem to be stubborn enough to stay married to each other. 36 years so far.

[FO4UR]

Obligation? No.

 

 

I do think it is thoughtful and kind to think about what would please your spouse.

[4everHis]

I have mixed feelings about this. I understand where your friend is coming from, and agree to a certain extent. However, I've seen it taken too far and think it's shaky ground.

 

In the past year, I've started taking more care with my appearance. I had really let myself go. I started wearing makeup regularly again, got a good haircut, colored the gray again, lost weight, and dressing nicer.

 

Does my husband appreciate? Absolutely. Should he expect it? Maybe a bit. Should it be a defining point of our life together? No way.

 

:iagree:

[YLVD]

So, what prompted me to do the poll on weight gain since marriage was a conversation I had with a friend. I am trying to decide if I agree with her or not.

 

She believes that wives (and husbands, too) have an "obligation" to try to maintain their appearance as best as they can after they marry. She feels like that appearance is what the person married, that they were counting on that appearance to basically continue, etc. and feels like we should all work to keep that appearance up.

 

She includes more than weight in her premise, but that was the easiest thing to measure. Overall she believes one should maintain weight and other controllable parts of appearance. As an example, if you were a woman who daily put on make-up and fixed your hair, you should continue to do that because that was the person your husband married. Not right after a baby, not when you are ill or there are family crises, but just generally speaking.

 

Before you throw stones... she is not an unreasonable person. She has had three children and understand things, uh, shift. She also is a nurse and understands that people have medical conditions or take medications that make weight maintenance impossible. She understands the evil of gravity :tongue_smilie: and that men cannot control losing their hair. But, within our power, she believes one should keep up one's appearances as best as possible to be as similar as possible to the day one married.

 

What do y'all think about this idea?

 

ETA: This is poorly written. Sorry!

 

I agree to a point. I think it's important to try to look and feel your best for yourself and your partner. I think that totally letting things go doesn't help keep the attraction there.

 

By that I mean working with what you can. We do change, and often gain some weight, with age. It just means to try to keep it in check, stay groomed and the same level , or similar, of hair and makeup as you did before. For women that don't do that stuff, there isn't a need to start, IMO

[KungFuPanda]

It doesn't sound unreasonable for a normal, healthy woman. I'm glad I didn't wear make-up every day when we met :D

[YLVD]

I guess I have to agree - to a certain extent - for me. I mean, I married my dh for much more than his looks. But, I do try VERY hard to keep my appearance up because I want to remain physically attractive to him. (And, to be honest, I feel great when I work out. So some of my motivation is internal too.)

 

But, dh hasn't done that. He has gained a LOT of weight and, to be honest, it just isn't attractive. I mean, I still love him, but I also recognize that he doesn't look good on the outside. Is it his responsibility to ME to lose that weight? No. But, I sure wish he would.

 

I hope that doesn't make me shallow!

 

I don't think it's shallow at all! You can love someone but still not find their appearance attractive.

[Ellie]

:001_huh:

 

I don't agree. Mr. Ellie married *me,* for better or for worse, even if "worse" means gaining, um, some weight.

[Meriwether]

The single biggest change since I've been married is the weight I've accumulated through my pregnancies. I want to lose it. Dh would like me to lose it. I'd be more than a little ticked if he held it against me, though. I got this way bearing his kids.

[Embassy]

The obligation is toward health. We should be obligated to keep in a healthy position so we will have long lives together. Obligation for appearance sake alone is IMO rather shallow.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I did not expect my hubby to stay as close to how he looked when we were young. I don't believe he expected that either. Though we were young, we were mature enough to know people change over time. That is life. Seriously, most people, I think, change considerably over the years. That is just life. To not expect it is weird.

 

I do think it is reasonable to *want* (not necessarily expect, but we may want to) our spouse to keep up a measure of healthiness as much as depends on him/her. So extreme weight changes may be part of that as well as issues related to smoking and the like.

[Soror]

I don't think it is an obligation but I do think that we should try to be the best for each other, in every way. Of course as a pp said priorities change and there is only so much time in the day. Partially for me I think we are also responsible to pass on good habits to our children. Dh has gained about 20-30lbs, I do wish he would lose it. I wish he wouldn't eat crap at work. I do insist on only healthy food at home though.

[Janie Grace]

I guess I have to agree - to a certain extent - for me. I mean, I married my dh for much more than his looks. But, I do try VERY hard to keep my appearance up because I want to remain physically attractive to him. (And, to be honest, I feel great when I work out. So some of my motivation is internal too.)

 

But, dh hasn't done that. He has gained a LOT of weight and, to be honest, it just isn't attractive. I mean, I still love him, but I also recognize that he doesn't look good on the outside. Is it his responsibility to ME to lose that weight? No. But, I sure wish he would.

 

I hope that doesn't make me shallow!

:iagree: This is me. I am attracted to dh but I wish he would take better care of himself. When he is in shape... wow! I don't work out much... I just watch what I eat and so far, that has worked. I wish dh would do the same, and sometimes it's hard not to take it personally when he doesn't.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Janie Grace

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I agree to a point. I think it's important to try to look and feel your best for yourself and your partner. I think that totally letting things go doesn't help keep the attraction there.

 

By that I mean working with what you can. We do change, and often gain some weight, with age. It just means to try to keep it in check, stay groomed and the same level , or similar, of hair and makeup as you did before. For women that don't do that stuff, there isn't a need to start, IMO

 

:iagree:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It sounds like she read His Needs/Her Needs. I read that riduculous book years ago and the author told a man whose wife gained weight to leave her until she lost it. :glare:

 

Nice.

 

I'll bet she "lost it" alright, just not in the way expected.

 

I do try to look nice for dh, but.....I was 70 pounds HEAVIER when we got married. I try to be MORE fit than I was when we met, not match it, kwim? :001_huh:

[Janie Grace]

Dh makes me feel beautiful no matter how I look. :) But because of that, I also do things to live up to his thoughts of me.

 

I love this. :001_smile:

[Elinor Everywhere]

 

I would take an overweight, balding husband who does loving things for/to me, over a self-centered 'good looking' man any day. No matter what age does to my Dh physically, I will always find him attractive on the outside because he is gorgeous in his soul.

 

But I don't think being healthy and fit on the outside automatically makes one self-centered. :confused: I believe that taking care of the bodies God gave us shows respect; this doesn't mean that I am 100% successful at doing it, and neither is my dh. Quite frankly, I don't eat healthily and work out for *him*, I do it because I want to avoid disease as much as possible, live to see my grandchildren (I had kids late), and feel strong and alert. Looking good is a bonus. :D

[Scarlett]

So, what prompted me to do the poll on weight gain since marriage was a conversation I had with a friend. I am trying to decide if I agree with her or not.

 

She believes that wives (and husbands, too) have an "obligation" to try to maintain their appearance as best as they can after they marry. She feels like that appearance is what the person married, that they were counting on that appearance to basically continue, etc. and feels like we should all work to keep that appearance up.

 

She includes more than weight in her premise, but that was the easiest thing to measure. Overall she believes one should maintain weight and other controllable parts of appearance. As an example, if you were a woman who daily put on make-up and fixed your hair, you should continue to do that because that was the person your husband married. Not right after a baby, not when you are ill or there are family crises, but just generally speaking.

 

Before you throw stones... she is not an unreasonable person. She has had three children and understand things, uh, shift. She also is a nurse and understands that people have medical conditions or take medications that make weight maintenance impossible. She understands the evil of gravity :tongue_smilie: and that men cannot control losing their hair. But, within our power, she believes one should keep up one's appearances as best as possible to be as similar as possible to the day one married.

 

What do y'all think about this idea?

 

ETA: This is poorly written. Sorry!

 

Posting before I read other replies. I absolutely believe men and women should keep up their appearance for themselves AND for their spouse. I believe many people underestimate the need and value of this in a marriage. I do not believe failure to keep oneself 'up' is justification for your mate to leave the marriage OR to stray, but it seems very unkind to not keep yourself looking good and reasonably close to how you looked on your wedding day.

[DawnM]

This is one of the things DH and I discussed BEFORE marriage. I told him I struggled a lot with my weight and that there was a strong possibility I would gain weight with having children.

 

He said he would still love me, and he does!

 

He would love it if I could lose the 50 pounds for a couple of reasons. One being that I am so unhappy being this overweight. He knows it makes ME miserable. Secondly, I am sure he would prefer me to be thinner because not only is my appearance better, but I feel more confident and happy.

 

Dawn

[mommaduck]

Posting before I read other replies. I absolutely believe men and women should keep up their appearance for themselves AND for their spouse. I believe many people underestimate the need and value of this in a marriage. I do not believe failure to keep oneself 'up' is justification for your mate to leave the marriage OR to stray, but it seems very unkind to not keep yourself looking good and reasonably close to how you looked on your wedding day.

 

Well, according to text messages my dad's girlfriend sent to my stepsister on the day of my stepmother's funeral, it was my stepmother's own fault for losing her husband to her because she didn't keep her health or looks up. The woman was DYING. So apparently that made it okay for the LPN that is just a few years older than me to run off with daddy-dearest.

Edited August 11, 2011 by mommaduck

[Scarlett]

I disagree. Before we were married, Dh and I decided that we would build our marriage on a biblical foundation. No where in the Bible does it say that either participant should maintain their physical appearance. It DOES mention mutual kindness, respect, patience, maturity, and honor.

 

The Bible most certainly discusses physical attractiveness between husband and wife. Part of that is visual.

 

Don't you think that it is kind and respectful to keep oneself looking attractive for their mate?

 

I would take an overweight, balding husband who does loving things for/to me, over a self-centered 'good looking' man any day. No matter what age does to my Dh physically, I will always find him attractive on the outside because he is gorgeous in his soul.

 

They aren't mutually exclusive.

 

I will agree that those whom we love are beautiful to us. Or as my mom says, 'you don't have any ugly friends.' :)

 

However, in an intimate relationship there are certain things that could be huge turnoffs to a mate. Those things should not be discounted as shallow.

[Scarlett]

Well, according to text messages my dad's girlfriend sent to my stepsister on the day of my stepmother's funeral, it was my stepmother's own fault for losing her husband to her because she didn't keep her health or looks up. The woman was DYING. So apparently that made it okay for the nurse that is just a few years older than me to run off with daddy-dearest.

 

There is never an excuse for adultery. Never. And a woman who is dying and therefore unable to keep up her appearance is nowhere close to what I am talking about.

[YLVD]

The Bible most certainly discusses physical attractiveness between husband and wife. Part of that is visual.

 

Don't you think that it is kind and respectful to keep oneself looking attractive for their mate?

 

 

 

They aren't mutually exclusive.

 

I will agree that those whom we love are beautiful to us. Or as my mom says, 'you don't have any ugly friends.' :)

 

However, in an intimate relationship there are certain things that could be huge turnoffs to a mate. Those things should not be discounted as shallow.

 

:iagree:

[Guest]

I hear the argument, yes I feel bad that I've gained weight, yadda yadda yadda. On the flip side, my dh LOVES my cooking. He's gained about 30 pounds, but being 6'2", he just went from looking very unhealthy to a more healthy weight. He would much rather me er, plump, and have great cooking. He also prefers me with less makeup. After being called an Easter bunny early in our marriage, my makeup wearing has decreased a lot. :tongue_smilie: (I was 19 - that's my excuse...) So, I weigh more and wear less makeup, but I think he's pretty happy.

[Scarlett]

I think it depends on your spouse's values. I was engaged to a physics professor, and one day, I was mopping the floor, and had an epiphany about how much my being physically beautiful meant to him and his self-esteem. I called off the wedding that day. .

 

Smart girl you were. It took me 20 years to figure that out about my now XH.

 

Instead, I chose someone who adored me for who I am inside. We spent our 13 month engagement talking about our expectations for the marriage and for our future family.

 

It is VERY important to him that I can be trusted, and that I'm smart, and that I'm generous and devoted to our children. My being beautiful is just an added bonus!.

 

This. This sums it up for me and it is how my current marriage works.

 

I agree more on keeping a happy temperament, and remaining close physically, but really, it is a bit unnatural for a person to remain unchanged for the 20 years we have been married.

 

 

I think the key is to be reasonable about it. It is unnatural to remain unchanged but it is not unreasonable to keep oneself up physically.

[Impish]

Posting before I read other replies. I absolutely believe men and women should keep up their appearance for themselves AND for their spouse. I believe many people underestimate the need and value of this in a marriage. I do not believe failure to keep oneself 'up' is justification for your mate to leave the marriage OR to stray, but it seems very unkind to not keep yourself looking good and reasonably close to how you looked on your wedding day.

Life can be very unkind.

 

I *can't* excercise. Movement = pain.

 

I *can't* wear certain clothes anymore...try buttoning up a blouse 1 handed. Or putting on a garter belt and stockings.

 

Wolf adored my waist length hair. It fell out. I now have a very close hair cut that makes me look like Gene Wilder's love child.

 

Most days, I'm doing well to be on my feet when he gets through the door, and stay that way until the kids are in bed.

 

I honestly don't know of anyone that says, I'm married, to heck with it, he's/she's stuck with me now, why bother.

 

Bait and switch is one thing, and that is deceitful. Life, however, is another, and the idea that not maintaining your wedding day appearance is letting down your spouse is cruel to many.

[Paige]

What about the person who is unhealthily overweight at marriage to a spouse who prefers heavier partners? Is that person obligated to keep the weight up for his or her spouse? According to your friend's philosophy, would that person be allowed to lose weight- say over 100lbs- because it is healthier despite the fact that the spouse loves, prefers, and is very attracted to significantly overweight people?

 

I think spouses have an obligation to make an effort to maintain an attractive appearance. Spouses should pursue health for their own sake, the sake of their kids, and for their spouse. I think that this can mean maintaining a weight to some people but it doesn't have to mean that. On some level, though, I expect DH to make an effort to look nice and I do as well. I love DH, but if he started dressing like a slug (which I will not describe to prevent offending anyone who likes what I may consider sluggish), if he slacked off on the personal hygiene, and if he thought I should want to make him some tea while he did nothing to prepare for tea, then I would be offended. You don't go to a fancy restaurant in gym clothes with food in your beard and you shouldn't show up for tea- or even expect a reservation- without making an effort to dress for the occasion either! To me, it's not about weight, but about making an effort and caring. You can do this whether you have gained or lost a lot of weight.

 

I also agree with whoever said it should apply to behavior too. I don't expect DH to act just like he did when we were dating. I do expect, however, that he should, in some way, continue to care about making a good impression on me and he should treat me with at least as much respect as he did before we married. It goes both ways too.