"Always Go to the Funeral"

[TKDmom]

Do you follow this policy?

 

I listened to an article by this title several years ago on NPR, and vowed that I would always go. But when it comes down to actually going... maybe I just need some moral support.

 

An acquaintance of mine lost their 6yo dd a few weeks ago and they're holding the funeral this week. I want to go, but at the same time, I feel weird about going. I don't know the family well. Their oldest dd was in the same pre-K class as my oldest and we had them over for a play date one time. I see the family around town, but I haven't talked to them in several years.

 

I just hate that there ever has to be funerals for sweet little girls... :crying:

Edited July 19, 2011 by bonniebeth4
typo

[snickelfritz]

I hate funerals.

 

As a family member, you really appreciate and remember those who come to the funeral.

[*~Tina~*]

Go :grouphug:

[*~Tina~*]

I hate funerals.

 

As a family member, you really appreciate and remember those who come to the funeral.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Lady Florida.]

 

As a family member, you really appreciate and remember those who come to the funeral.

 

This.

[gingersmom]

Go. I think its so important for people to know you are thinking about them at this terrible time in their lives.

[katilac]

Yes, always go to the funeral. It is a great comfort to the family.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Take someone with you for your own moral support. :grouphug:

[Trish]

Yes, always go to the funeral. It is a great comfort to the family.

 

Yes, just someone's presence speaks volumes. That they took time out of their day to show they cared.

[TKDmom]

Thanks guys. I'll get on the phone and find a babysitter this morning.

 

Take someone with you for your own moral support. :grouphug:

 

Good idea. Maybe I'll drag dh with me. He can hold the Kleenex.

[DarcyB]

When my mom passed away, we really figured it was going to be a very small funeral, with our family, and maybe a few acquaintances. I never really looked at who was there til towards the end of the ceremony, when looking back at the chapel room, I was staggered at the amount of people who came. Not that it was a huge amount, mind you, but there were people there I hadn't seen in years, people from the school district (she was a bus driver), old neighbors who had moved away and I don't even know how they found out, my husband's boss, random people I didn't know.

 

It made my heart so happy knowing that somehow, my mom's life had touched these folks enough to attend her goodbye.

 

Funerals suck, especially the way we celebrate them in America, but the family will be truly touched in ways you can't know.

[JudoMom]

Another voice encouraging you to go :grouphug::grouphug:.

[Hunter's Moon]

Last August I had to attend the funeral of a 10-year-old boy. His father was my favorite teacher and I'd met his son a few times.

 

It was the worst thing I ever had to do and I didn't realize how hard it would be until I was kneeling at the casket. It all hit me that he was really dead and I started hyperventilating and crying. I didn't personally know him well, but his father talked about him all the time and I couldn't imagine their pain.

 

Even though I was still crying too much to tell him I was sorry, he later told me that the fact I showed up and hugged his family and showed I genuinely cared was a great blessing to him and his family.

 

My mother and father were there for support and it helped. I felt horrible crying because I felt like "how dare I cry for this little boy I barely knew when his mother, father and sister are 5 ft away" but it meant a lot to them.

 

ETA: Just to clarify, we attended the wake. I would never attend the funeral of someone I didn't know well. That is a time for family and close friends to have their final goodbye.

Edited July 19, 2011 by BeatleMania

[momofkhm]

I went to one for a sweet girl (11yo) almost a year ago. It was hard. Take tissues! But the family appreciated it so much.

 

I vote for go.

[springmama]

I agree with the others. You should go. It meant a lot to me when people we barely knew or hadn't seen in years came to my dad's funeral. When my friend's 2 year old daughter passed away last year, my friend commented several times about how touched she was that people she hadn't seen in awhile or barely knew came to the funeral.

[ma23peas]

I go to the viewing the night before but usually not the funeral...pick one or the other, sign the guest book and let them know how much you care...also, instead of flowers give a contribution to a charity that would be child-centered (St. Jude, Scottish Rite, etc.)

[-M-]

Echoing other posters: The support of others is a great balm to the family of the deceased. Although they may not seem to register your attendance at the time, later, they will remember. They will remember that they were not alone on that terrible day. That you were there. that the woman from the library was there, that the guy from the accounting department and the kid from swim class were there, all of this will matter to them, later, when the numbness wears off.

[sparrow]

Go. I can think of two that I didn't attend and 15 years later, I still feel bad about it.

[FaithManor]

I go to the viewing the night before but usually not the funeral...pick one or the other, sign the guest book and let them know how much you care...also, instead of flowers give a contribution to a charity that would be child-centered (St. Jude, Scottish Rite, etc.)

 

 

We do this as well. Funerals that get huge become completely overwhelming to the family. So, I'll be the lone voice of dissent. If you don't know them well, don't attend the funeral.

 

When my grandfather died, every single person who had ever known him in even the slightest way showed up to the funeral. He had owned his own business so if I said 500 people came, I would not be exaggerating. Most of them were people my grandmother and father did not know or only knew in passing. We'd already been taking care of grandpa for weeks and were completely exhausted. The receiving line that the pastor set up by the casket took 2.5 hrs.!!!!!! At one point we were practically propping my grandmother up but according to the funeral director, it would have been rude to not greet each and every person who got in line. It cost us a MASSIVE fortune to feed this crowd which had to be done in shifts because the church gym wasn't large enough to feed them all and the caterer had to call area deli's and bakeries and buy up everything they had in order to have enough. I have NEVER been so exhausted and so angry with the general public in all my life and as a result, when my grandmother died, though she was prominently known and her funeral would have drawn a large crowd, it was private ceremony only. No invite, no enter! The funeral director (different from the one we had with grandpa and much more aligned to the needs of the family and not "tradition") had extra staff there to keep people out.

 

When dh's father died, after a long bout of cancer and his mother was completely exhausted from his care, we didn't even have a funeral because, well, Americans just don't exercise any common sense. The church they attended sported 500 people on a Sunday and the pastor said she could expect 400 to be present for the funeral plus family and friends from out of town. She.could.not.physically.handle.it. There was NO service of any kind...he was cremated and a year later, we had a private ceremony here in Michigan to scatter his ashes.

 

I truly believe that unless one is in the "inner circle" close friend, relative, very close co-worker, neighbors who did things together, etc. it is better to attend the viewing (or not go at all) and leave a card than attend the funeral. By the time the family gets to the funeral, they are completely and utterly wiped out by the absurdity of how death is dealt with in this country - long receiving lines, followed by funeral luncheons where again, everyone wants to pay their condolences to the family one.more.time. so they never get a bite to eat, etc. it's insane. Don't make it worse.

 

Funerals for children have a tendency to really morph. Our best friends lost their nine- year old and by the time his funeral was over, between two days of viewing and the funeral itself, greeted personally, over 1000 people. I have never seen two more exhausted parents in my entire life. I truly believe that no one should be showing up to a funeral who does not have a strong connection to the family. But, I understand that this is not how it is done in America...that funerals are considered public affairs instead of private events.

 

Faith

[NanceXToo]

Huh. You know, I think if one of my children died (shudder) I would not want people I didn't know well showing up at their funeral. In a time of such grief I would want to be surrounded by CLOSE family and friends, not people we barely know. Anyone else might feel intrusive or awkward. Or like some sort of obligation that no parent of a dead child should have to deal with on top of everything else.

 

ETA I would only go to a funeral of someone in or close to my family but I might send a card or flowers or make a donation if applicable or some such for someone I was not as close to.

Edited July 19, 2011 by NanceXToo

[DarcyB]

Faith - definitely not to argue a point, but just because you attend a funeral doesn't mean you have to attend the funeral luncheon (and I've never been to a funeral that has that), nor do you have to get into the receiving line (we didn't do one of those, either). We also didn't have a viewing beforehand.

 

I'll just say that for our family, we relish ever single person who showed up to honor my Mom, because it made us feel better.

[Murphy101]

Wow.

Faith that's some screwy experience you had!:grouphug:

 

No one should have been feeding those people! That's bonkers nuts crazy! I've never heard of a meal being served to anyone but the family and that is always a donated potluck!

 

At the very least your grandmother could have been given a seat to ease the exhaustion of the condolence line! (Usually this sends a message to folks too!;) )

 

That's weird.:grouphug:

 

We are in the always go camp, but unfortunately employers are not, so unless it is a direct relative dh can't get off work.:glare:

[SweetMissMagnolia]

I always go to the calling hours at the funeral home. Many recently have had a ceremony there, and prefer a close family & friends only funeral and words at the gravesite.

 

My rule of thumb for not family is go to the viewing. Funeral only if they are close enough that I would/did send meals, cook, clean etc. or if it was a close friend of one my children.

 

I usually go to the "visitation" hours for at least a little while and feel that the other services are for closer family......and a little later send a sympathy card......

[Murphy101]

Just to note ..

 

The "visitation" is sometimes called a vigil or is done during part of the vigil as well and is for the close family.

 

When my mother died, my dad and us kids took turns keeping vigil. Sadly this is an old tradition not much honored these days. Like pulling over for the funeral procession. And many other respectful things no longer bothered with. :(

[catz]

 

I'll just say that for our family, we relish ever single person who showed up to honor my Mom, because it made us feel better.

 

:iagree: In the years to come, the families remember who showed up. I would go unless the funeral announcement said "family only" or "private service". And that's what a funeral home would encourage if you wanted a very small service. I think it means quite a bit to families.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:Go.

 

QUOTE=Trish;2946947]Yes, just someone's presence speaks volumes. That they took time out of their day to show they cared.

[kalanamak]

Go. I think its so important for people to know you are thinking about them at this terrible time in their lives.

 

:iagree: I grew up in a family that doesn't do funerals, and I am fine with that and want none, but others do, and I have decided to go to the funerals of children, or any that are "devastating deaths" (i.e. not an expected, welcome death of a 90 year old). It isn't for me, it is for them, and it took me a while to realize that if they were having a funeral and asked you, they want you to come.

[BlsdMama]

Last year, I went to a wake for a baby. It was the first time I'd seen or been near a baby casket since we buried Hannah. I was an absolute mess. But it wasn't about me. It was about supporting the family.

 

At the time I was really sorry we went. Now I'm glad we went. It was necessary. Go. Sit in the back if you must, but go.

[plansrme]

We do this as well. Funerals that get huge become completely overwhelming to the family. So, I'll be the lone voice of dissent. If you don't know them well, don't attend the funeral.

 

When my grandfather died, every single person who had ever known him in even the slightest way showed up to the funeral. He had owned his own business so if I said 500 people came, I would not be exaggerating. Most of them were people my grandmother and father did not know or only knew in passing. We'd already been taking care of grandpa for weeks and were completely exhausted. The receiving line that the pastor set up by the casket took 2.5 hrs.!!!!!! At one point we were practically propping my grandmother up but according to the funeral director, it would have been rude to not greet each and every person who got in line. It cost us a MASSIVE fortune to feed this crowd which had to be done in shifts because the church gym wasn't large enough to feed them all and the caterer had to call area deli's and bakeries and buy up everything they had in order to have enough. I have NEVER been so exhausted and so angry with the general public in all my life and as a result, when my grandmother died, though she was prominently known and her funeral would have drawn a large crowd, it was private ceremony only. No invite, no enter! The funeral director (different from the one we had with grandpa and much more aligned to the needs of the family and not "tradition") had extra staff there to keep people out.

 

When dh's father died, after a long bout of cancer and his mother was completely exhausted from his care, we didn't even have a funeral because, well, Americans just don't exercise any common sense. The church they attended sported 500 people on a Sunday and the pastor said she could expect 400 to be present for the funeral plus family and friends from out of town. She.could.not.physically.handle.it. There was NO service of any kind...he was cremated and a year later, we had a private ceremony here in Michigan to scatter his ashes.

 

I truly believe that unless one is in the "inner circle" close friend, relative, very close co-worker, neighbors who did things together, etc. it is better to attend the viewing (or not go at all) and leave a card than attend the funeral. By the time the family gets to the funeral, they are completely and utterly wiped out by the absurdity of how death is dealt with in this country - long receiving lines, followed by funeral luncheons where again, everyone wants to pay their condolences to the family one.more.time. so they never get a bite to eat, etc. it's insane. Don't make it worse.

 

Funerals for children have a tendency to really morph. Our best friends lost their nine- year old and by the time his funeral was over, between two days of viewing and the funeral itself, greeted personally, over 1000 people. I have never seen two more exhausted parents in my entire life. I truly believe that no one should be showing up to a funeral who does not have a strong connection to the family. But, I understand that this is not how it is done in America...that funerals are considered public affairs instead of private events.

 

Faith

 

Where in the world is it the custom to serve a catered lunch to everyone who comes to the funeral? I've never heard of such a thing. Or where is it the custom for the family to have a receiving line? Those are both crazy expectations! I am guessing this is a regional thing???

 

"Where I come from," as the song says, family and friends often bring food (there actually is a funny song somewhere called "Funeral Food") to the family's home, and the family is welcome to, or not, casually invite family or friends "back to the house," as they say, for a bite. Usually, a close friend or church lady will hang out at the house before, during and after the funeral to accept food, clean up after everyone and get everyone's dishes back to them. If she is worth her weight in gold, she also will shoo people away when it is time. No family would ever dream of having to pay for food to feed the mourners!

 

But back to the original question, I would go to the funeral, and I am both shocked and intrigued by the thought that anyone would find that to be an imposition. People go to funerals to honor the deceased, not to impose on the family, and I would hope their attendance would be perceived in that way.

 

Terri

[Nakia]

I'll be a dissenting voice and tell you that you don't have to go if you don't want to. Some people, myself included, have a very hard time with funerals. I don't think you should go because you feel obligated. You can show the family you are thinking of them in other ways such as a card, flowers, a visit in a week or two, etc. :grouphug:

[prairiewindmomma]

---

Edited November 10, 2021 by prairiewindmomma

[FaithManor]

Faith - definitely not to argue a point, but just because you attend a funeral doesn't mean you have to attend the funeral luncheon (and I've never been to a funeral that has that), nor do you have to get into the receiving line (we didn't do one of those, either). We also didn't have a viewing beforehand.

 

I'll just say that for our family, we relish ever single person who showed up to honor my Mom, because it made us feel better.

 

 

LOl, we all must have our own micro-culture with it's own traditions. In this area, funeral luncheons are for everyone who attended the funeral and yes, hordes of people will show up to eat. If you don't buck the tradition, the whole event is ridiculous. It is the burden of the family to entertain the grieving functions of the larger public, not joke! I am not kidding about this. If a funeral is advertised as a public ceremony, then the family is required to feed everyone who shows up and greet them all! I am glad to know that in some parts of the country, this is not the case. I've never attended a single funeral outside of this area of Michigan. We've never traveled to out-of-state funerals, and we currently keep our inner circle quite small so this is my only experience and every.single.funeral has been a three-ring circus. Of course, since I"m a professional pianist, I end up at A LOT of these things so I have had to develop a policy that I will no longer play background musisc for an entire receiving line. The funeral director and employees dismiss each row of attendees one at a time and they are literally directed to the casket, as in, don't leave until you go greet the family. It is considered highly rude to go the opposite direction and leave the church without getting into the receiving line. So, I play only 30 minutes after the ceremony unless the family wants to pay a lot extra...for families in my church, I do not charge but I also will not play that entire time. I have my own escape when the events are held at our church. I go to the choir room, behind the podium/stage area, to put my music away. This room has an exit to the parking lot and I have a key...whew!

 

Again, good to know that not all areas of the country have such strict expectations of the family nor require them to feed hordes of people. Now, if we could just re-educate my local culture into something much more appropriate... Oh wait, that's probably asking for a miracle as traditions die very, very hard around here!!!

 

Faith

[TKDmom]

We do this as well. Funerals that get huge become completely overwhelming to the family. So, I'll be the lone voice of dissent. If you don't know them well, don't attend the funeral.

 

 

Aww, man. This is why I was wrestling with going. As far as I know, there won't be any sort of visiting hours outside of the funeral. The family is active in their church and their children are involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. A lot of people in our community know them. I have run into several mutual friends in the last few weeks.

 

Their dd died in a car accident that involved the whole family, and I know they are exhausted with trying to recover from injuries. One of the other children will be permanently disabled and they have a long road ahead of them...

 

If it makes any difference, the funeral will be held at a large Catholic church. Is there anything about Catholic funerals that should influence my decision?

 

Funerals at my church are pretty consistent. We generally have a viewing for a set amount of time in a room outside the chapel, then the casket would be moved into the chapel for the actual services. After that, the family and close friends would travel to the grave site for a very brief graveside service. I would not hesitate to attend the funeral itself (as an acquaintance) because I would know that my presence there wouldn't place any additional burden on the family. I'd just be taking up a seat in the back of the chapel, and if the family was swamped by other visitors, I could quietly leave without bothering them.

[FaithManor]

Aww, man. This is why I was wrestling with going. As far as I know, there won't be any sort of visiting hours outside of the funeral. The family is active in their church and their children are involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. A lot of people in our community know them. I have run into several mutual friends in the last few weeks.

 

Their dd died in a car accident that involved the whole family, and I know they are exhausted with trying to recover from injuries. One of the other children will be permanently disabled and they have a long road ahead of them...

 

If it makes any difference, the funeral will be held at a large Catholic church. Is there anything about Catholic funerals that should influence my decision?

 

Funerals at my church are pretty consistent. We generally have a viewing for a set amount of time in a room outside the chapel, then the casket would be moved into the chapel for the actual services. After that, the family and close friends would travel to the grave site for a very brief graveside service. I would not hesitate to attend the funeral itself (as an acquaintance) because I would know that my presence there wouldn't place any additional burden on the family. I'd just be taking up a seat in the back of the chapel, and if the family was swamped by other visitors, I could quietly leave without bothering them.

 

Well, if there isn't a wake/visitation and you know that you could attend without an issue, it's entirely up to you. That's really difficult because the family has injuries, soo sad and they are probably barely able to manage this physically much less emotionally. This is the kind of situation in which there isn't a right or wrong answer. It seems that they may not be able to handle a lot of people and yet may also need to feel the love and support of A LOT OF PEOPLE. So, I think if it were me, I would be inclined to send a card, drop off a couple of casseroles, a fruit basket, and some baked goods so they don't have to cook any time soon and definitely do casseroles that will freeze or a pan of lasagna, and then donate the money that I would have spent on gas (if it's quite a distance so you'd have spent a bit) and babysitting for the funeral. It sounds like there will be medical bills (even if they have insurance, it won't pay everything) and a permanently disabled child which can cause financial hardship as well. This might be a better ministry to the grieving family than actually attending.

 

Faith

[abbeyej]

Yes, go. You can slip away immediately afterward, but go... It will be heart-wrenching, but you'll be glad you went.

[abbeyej]

LOl, we all must have our own micro-culture with it's own traditions. In this area, funeral luncheons are for everyone who attended the funeral and yes, hordes of people will show up to eat.

I've never been to a "funeral luncheon" either. There might be a small gathering for family, but not something for "everyone who attended the funeral".

[JudoMom]

I've never been to a "funeral luncheon" either. There might be a small gathering for family, but not something for "everyone who attended the funeral".

 

:iagree:

[mommymilkies]

I'll be a dissenting voice and tell you that you don't have to go if you don't want to. Some people, myself included, have a very hard time with funerals. I don't think you should go because you feel obligated. You can show the family you are thinking of them in other ways such as a card, flowers, a visit in a week or two, etc. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I decided I can't handle funerals anymore after going to a baby's funeral. My dd was only 1 week younger at the time and I already have an anxiety disorder. My nerves were shot afterward for years after seeing her viewing. I have had 3 family members die in the past year and I didn't go to the funerals. I feel really bad about it, but I live 5 hours away, my van didn't have a/c and I was pregnant with no childcare while at the funeral, so it just wasn't feasible. Good thing I didn't go to one of them, too, I went into labor 8 hours before it began!

[Brilliant]

Go. I can think of two that I didn't attend and 15 years later, I still feel bad about it.

 

Me, too. I regret *not* attending 3 funerals that I can think of - I don't regret attending any that I did.

[mommymilkies]

I've never been to a "funeral luncheon" either. There might be a small gathering for family, but not something for "everyone who attended the funeral".

 

Around here it's common, too, so is the receiving line.

[sparrow]

I've never attended a single funeral outside of this area of Michigan.

 

:001_huh: I've lived in Michigan my whole life and, unfortunately, I've attended a lot of funerals. I have never been to a funeral that had a receiving line. May I ask what general area of Michigan this is? I've attended many funerals in the Ludington area and mid to SE Michigan.

 

Yes, I've been to luncheons, and everyone is invited that attended the funeral, but it seems many attendees exhibit restraint and the only ones I see showing up are close friends and family.

 

I'm sorry your grandfather's funeral was turned into a fiasco :(. Nobody should have to deal with that.

[Renee in NC]

Yes, always go to the funeral. It is a great comfort to the family.

 

When my MIL was killed, the number of people who came to the funeral was astonishing! In her case, the school system found subs for an entire school of teachers. It was a great comfort and made everyone feel that her life was precious to many.

 

Go. Please.

 

:grouphug:

[Renee in NC]

Around here it's common, too, so is the receiving line.

 

My MIL's funeral had a luncheon (where mostly family and close friends were present) and the receiving line was at the funeral home the night before. This was in IA. This is also the pattern followed by the funerals I have attended in NC.

 

My dh recently went to a funeral for the grandmother of a good friend - his employer let many of them out of work for 3 hours to attend. (His grandmother was like his mother as she raised him.) There was an "open house" afterwards at the co-workers home - lots of people came and went. Money was collected to help pay for the funeral.

 

ETA: I don't know who provided the food at MIL's funeral, but I know that meals were brought to the house the whole week by church members. At the co-worker's grandmothers funeral, the food was brought by friends and neighbors, including church members from her church.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Renee in FL

[unsinkable]

Funeral luncheons and breakfasts are the norm here.

 

At the wake, where you sign the guest book, there is usually a place for people to mark if they are attending the meal afterward.

 

The meal can be anywhere: at the family's home, a friend's home, a restaurant or at the parish center/church.

 

It can be as simple as pastries & coffee or as elaborate as multi-course meals with an open bar.

 

(I actually went to a meal w/an open bar last year for the funeral of a 93 year old woman. She had picked out all her favorite breakfast foods and luncheon foods before she died so her family & friends could have a wonderful meal. It was so nice but sad b/c we all wanted her there with us.)

 

Our parish has a bereavment committee that will provide a luncheon. The family of the deceased is asked to pay for the meat (hot roast beef and cold cuts) but everything else is donated by the parish. They prepare the food based on the number of people who replied at the wake.

 

It has been my experience that families have nearly always asked me to attend the funeral and the meal when I am at the wake.

 

ETA: After the internment, if there is a meal, the funeral director usually announces that the family invites attendees to "such and such" place to share a meal.

 

ETA again: I would be devastated to find out that the family was angry at me (or people in general) for attending a funeral and meal even tho' I followed the norms & culture of my commmunity.

Edited July 19, 2011 by unsinkable

[HRAAB]

I would go. In fact, at our parish we often go to funerals of people we don't know. We're there to show our support, offer our prayers and to actually be a community in action. When my dad passed away, I was so surprised and gratified by the many people that came. Most of his friends had already passed away, and it was so nice that the big church didn't feel quite so empty that day.

[FaithManor]

:001_huh: I've lived in Michigan my whole life and, unfortunately, I've attended a lot of funerals. I have never been to a funeral that had a receiving line. May I ask what general area of Michigan this is? I've attended many funerals in the Ludington area and mid to SE Michigan.

 

Yes, I've been to luncheons, and everyone is invited that attended the funeral, but it seems many attendees exhibit restraint and the only ones I see showing up are close friends and family.

 

I'm sorry your grandfather's funeral was turned into a fiasco :(. Nobody should have to deal with that.

 

The last three funerals I have played piano for:

 

Our church secretary: 298 people attended, 275 stayed to eat. I was not one of them. The church kitchen committee put on the luncheon. Two large spiral sliced hams were purchased along with 200 pieces of roasted chicken from a local supermarket deli. Church members donated the desserts and dinner rolls. The kitchen committee purchased all of the ingredients for scalloped potatoes several salads. The salads were mixed and served in punch bowls.

 

State police officer - 1500 attended. Since the church could only seat 400, seating in the auditorium was by invitation only. The other 1100 watched the funeral from large screens set up in the parking lot. 400 people were served at the luncheon.

 

Church attendee - sick for a very long time, totally exhausted wife left behind. 375 attended, 300 stayed to eat - again, not me - church provided food.

 

Local resident not associated with our church - 355 people attended, nearly all stayed to eat and family had to provide the food as they were not associated with any church and just asked to use the facility, so not church kitchen committee with a budget for providing food. When I saw how hard up the family was for money and how many were staying to eat, I gave the check for my services back to the funeral director.

 

So, it's the norm here and since this is a public forum and not a PM, I won't disclose my location. Just that in my neck of the woods, this is the regular thing. People expect if they attend a funeral, they are invited to a funeral luncheon How and when this got started, I do not know.

 

Again, to the OP, given the situation, you could attend and slip out, or not and either would be completely appropriate. Since I'm a "fixer" by nature, I tend to like things such as not attending, sending a card, but then as a way of showing my love and support, providing some foods or a couple of lasagnas for the freezer so that the family doesn't have to think about cooking, grocery shopping, etc. if they do not want to. I'm also in favor of grocery store gift cards, gas cards, and the like because funerals are hideously expensive now a days. But, I tend to be a rather practical person and so this probably jades my perspective of funerals in general.

 

You might find out if there is a family spokesperson. Sometimes funeral directors will even say out right, "This family does not want a big funeral, or they need their privacy, or they would really appreciate anyone who takes the time to attend and welcome all, etc." I really like it when specifics are mentioned or there is a contact person for that. This way the family's preferences are honored.

 

Faith

[BlsdMama]

If it makes any difference, the funeral will be held at a large Catholic church. Is there anything about Catholic funerals that should influence my decision?

 

 

 

I'm sure not all Catholics are the same ;) but I was born and raised Catholic and in our town/families you were expected to attend funerals of families you knew or if a close relative of a family MEMBER you knew died. So, for example, if the mother of one of my mom's brother's wives died, we all went. You essentially went if your presence would provide any source of comfort of knowing you went to the family member.

 

Does that make sense?

 

In other words:

 

The funeral is never for the person who died. It is solely for the purpose of memorial and for the purpose of providing comfort to the family members. Comfort comes in many ways - sending flowers, writing a card, sending a card, donating money to a cause or the family, going through the line and saying a few words or a hug, AND.... Just knowing you took the time to go because that person's life had meaning.

 

The last one IS comfort. To have someone beloved die and know that their life had meaning to others so that they took time out of their busy lives to stop and attend the memorial provides a lot of comfort and sweetness to mourning family members. When Hannah died we had a closed casket (her brain had bled a lot and preemies have thin skin and it was just not a good thing all around.) Because I was a mess I wanted no one at the actual funeral so we closed it to everyone except immediate family. HOWEVER, many sent us flowers and cards... Their TIME was precious to me. I still look through those cards every once in a while and take note of the people who weren't CLOSE to us (i.e., expected to send a card) but still did.

 

I think your presence and/or a card of sympathy would be more appreciated than you can imagine. The human idea of someone rejoicing with you when you rejoice, sympathizing with you when you're sad, and mourning with you when you mourn is comforting. Knowing someone else cared is important and relevant.

[Joker]

My dad and brother were killed in a car accident and I think the whole town showed. There were people lined up outside and the church made several overflow rooms with tvs to stream the service. My mom said days later how comforting it was to know so many cared enough about them to come. Honestly, though, we didn't notice them at the time. It was afterward reading the register and hearing the pastors tell us about them.

[texasmama]

Haven't read the other replies...

 

Funerals are for the people who remain more than the person who has passed on.

 

When my mom died, I was so hurt by the people who did not attend her memorial service whom I felt should have attended. I was not "offended" by anyone who attended, whether they knew my mom or not or were just present to show support for my family.

 

I now make it a policy to attend as many funerals as I can. I have attended the wake of the father of a high school friend whom I hadn't seen in over 20 years but who is my Facebook friend. I attended the funeral of a high school friend's mother and then, a year later, her husband. I didn't know the woman well in high school, and I had never met her mother or her husband. She told me later that she had been so exhausted by the process of greeting all of her mother's friends at her mother's funeral and that seeing me approach her was such a relief because she knew that I was there only to support her, for no other reason.

 

So I put on black, hug those who remain, tell them I am so sorry for their loss and have not ever regretted doing so. A year and a half ago, I attended two funerals in two days. I felt like I wore my black suit for 24 hours straight. The funerals were for a high school acquaintance whose wife I also knew and a neighbor's husband.

[CountitallJoy]

Huh. You know, I think if one of my children died (shudder) I would not want people I didn't know well showing up at their funeral. In a time of such grief I would want to be surrounded by CLOSE family and friends, not people we barely know. Anyone else might feel intrusive or awkward. Or like some sort of obligation that no parent of a dead child should have to deal with on top of everything else.

 

ETA I would only go to a funeral of someone in or close to my family but I might send a card or flowers or make a donation if applicable or some such for someone I was not as close to.

 

As a mama who buried her 7 year old son 16 years ago, I must respectfully disagree with this. Believe me, in this depth of grief, you are certainly NOT concerned with "keeping it together" for others, nor do you feel intruded upon. I was so deeply grateful to see people I had not seen in years, even people I had previously had "issues" with - come to the wake AND the funeral the next day. My son was murdered, and it was front-page news. I received letters, cards, phone calls, and visits from total strangers...and every. single. one. touched my heart. There were names in the guest book that I didn't even know, people who came just because it was such an awful thing to happen. It meant the world to me - as someone else mentioned, to see that people had taken time out of their lives to come honor my precious baby. A complete stranger came to me after the service and pinned a little golden angel on my blouse. I have it to this day and I will always love that woman for that - though I still have no idea who she is.

 

Nothing, and I will say it again, NOTHING, hurts like the death of a child. The last thing you are thinking about is "why is that person here?" Please go. I am praying for strength for you, and for this precious family. <3