Sssh! It's a Secret. Do you tell?

[KristinaBreece]

If someone tells you something in confidence, and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, do you include your spouse as part of "anyone," or do you share everything with your spouse? Do you assume when you share confidences with a friend that they will share with their spouse, or that they won't?

 

Just curious....

[JudoMom]

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

[3lilreds in NC]

It depends on what it is. If it's a mutual friend and I'm specifically asked not to tell dh, then I won't (although it about kills me). If I feel we need to pray about it though, I will tell him. He is the very soul of discretion and is excellent at not talking, so I know he's not going to say anything to anyone, ever.

[Aspasia]

I always tell my husband. But I also tell the person who is confiding in me that I will likely tell him, so it's their decision whether or not to continue after that. So naturally, when I tell someone something in confidence, I assume they will be sharing it with their spouse. But honestly, as long as it doesn't go further than that, to me it's just like telling only one person.

[JVA]

When someone begins to tell me something in confidence, I inform them that my dh will hear about it from me, SO......if they don't want that to happen, they shouldn't tell me. Only once has someone refrained from telling me after that 'warning', 'caveat'. Our friends know we're a complete package.

[elegantlion]

If someone tells you something in confidence, and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, do you include your spouse as part of "anyone," or do you share everything with your spouse? Do you assume when you share confidences with a friend that they will share with their spouse, or that they won't?

 

Just curious....

 

No, anyone would include my spouse and I would not share with them. Exceptions would be made if this were something harmful my friend was doing. But I would also tell that person that I felt the need to share when we were conversing.

 

But as a general rule dh and I are individuals and don't share confidences from others with each other.

[jenL]

It depends on what it is. If it's a mutual friend and I'm specifically asked not to tell dh, then I won't (although it about kills me). If I feel we need to pray about it though, I will tell him. He is the very soul of discretion and is excellent at not talking, so I know he's not going to say anything to anyone, ever.

 

:iagree:

[DawnM]

There are some secrets my husband wishes not to hear! :D Anything of a female nature will remain in confidence for example! :lol:

 

However, most things I do share with him.

 

Dawn

[Tap]

Other....It depends on what it is. If it is about a physical issue having to do with the genitals, No, I won't tell, because dh has nothing to offer in ways of advice or suggestions.

 

If it is a social issue, then yes, I may tell dh. I wouldn't do it with gossipy intentions, but only if I think he has something to offer about the situation. He gives very good perspective from a man's view point.

 

If someone says....'don't tell your dh' then I can honor that too.

 

I didn't choose the second choice, because I can't say that he 'should' know anything, but rather 'if he can be helpful in the situation'.

Edited March 9, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[mymonkeybug]

When you marry, two hearts become one, two people become one. I always tell my hubby. I will let him know though if the person telling me has asked me not to share with anyone so he knows not to let it out.

[Crimson Wife]

If someone asked me to keep a secret from my DH (and it wasn't of the innocent "don't ruin the surprise" variety), I would refuse. But that doesn't mean that I always tell him everything. Like some of the PP mentioned, personal female stuff would not be something he'd want to hear about at al! :lol:

[In the Rain]

I would let someone know if I planned to tell my dh. Sometimes I have been given permission to tell dh and still opt not to. He prefers to learn things about people first hand.

 

I guess I would assume most people share things with their spouses.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I pretty much tell him everything, unless I forget to :)

 

Our friends all know we are a package deal and I assume the same with anything I tell another married friend. If I am specifically asked not to tell him, and it is nothing harmful or hurtful, then I'll refrain. Otherwise, I spill it all.

[shinyhappypeople]

Only if I have permission from the person confiding in me.

 

I rarely confide in anyone anymore for this reason. I shared some *very personal* information with a friend of mine years ago. It had *nothing* to do with her, her family, her husband. There was no urgent danger or anything of that sort. She knew I wanted it kept confidential. However, she admitted later that she told him anyway because she "needed to talk to someone about it." Um... you could have talked to ME. I was so humiliated. This is info that I really didn't want to get around. Very personal. What she did with her husband was gossip, pure and simple. Just talking about it all these years later... grrrr...

[redsquirrel]

Don't tell anyone means just that. I do ask people because, I find that many people don't include spouses in that equation. Sometimes, people tell me something in confidence only to then talk to dh about it and are surprised I didn't tell.

 

But, I had a job that required keeping things confidential so not sharing info isn't hard for me.

[Parrothead]

I'll share with dh if somehow the secret affects him. I think that has happened once. Most of the time I don't get into someone else's secrets. It tends to be gossipy, and I try very hard not to go there.

[coffeegal]

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

 

:iagree:

[Tree House Academy]

I had to choose "obligatory other" and here is why:

 

I do share secrets with my dh MOST of the time - however, I don't share ALL secrets with him. Some of them, like my friends' menstrual issues, for instance, are just things he doesn't care about and can't help with anyway! Other issues, I may or may not share depending on the impact they may have on him. For instance, his mother once told me something that, to this day, I have not mentioned to him because of its potential to hurt him (emotionally). It is one of those things that really, he can live a fine life without knowing and there is no need to hurt him (the same reason she has not told him herself).

 

The only instances where I will tell him a "secret" are 1. if I am having trouble helping in the situation...I will get his input and we will talk it through before I go back to my friend. 2. Spiritual guidance in a situation. 3. If it is something that I am having a hard time dealing with - for instance, when my bf had a procedure done that I was very against...I sought my husband's guidance to help me filter the bad feelings away so that I could be "there" for my friend without bringing in the negative feelings I had toward the situation.

[bluemongoose]

I chose option two because I generally tell my DH everything, but somethings he doesn't really care about or want to know. So it is not like I will keep it a secret if he wants/needs to know, but I only tell him if it is important.

[elegantlion]

Only if I have permission from the person confiding in me.

 

I rarely confide in anyone anymore for this reason. I shared some *very personal* information with a friend of mine years ago. It had *nothing* to do with her, her family, her husband. There was no urgent danger or anything of that sort. She knew I wanted it kept confidential. However, she admitted later that she told him anyway because she "needed to talk to someone about it." Um... you could have talked to ME. I was so humiliated. This is info that I really didn't want to get around. Very personal. What she did with her husband was gossip, pure and simple. Just talking about it all these years later... grrrr...

 

:iagree: Had that happen to me as well. Ruined a friendship too.

[lionfamily1999]

If someone tells you something in confidence, and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, do you include your spouse as part of "anyone," or do you share everything with your spouse? Do you assume when you share confidences with a friend that they will share with their spouse, or that they won't?

 

Just curious....

I think this is the first non-secret result poll I've ever seen. Sneaky sneaky :lol: (kidding!)

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

:iagree:

 

Granted, I'm not going to tell him everything. I don't keep a list or anything, but we do talk about most everything and I'm more likely than not to tell him.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

If I wanted your husband to know about it I would have told him myself!

 

Married couples are not actually ONE PERSON. If someone said, ''of course I'll tell my husband about it" I would stop mid-sentance.

 

I think it is INCREDIBLY rude to tell your husband something that a friend has shared with you in confidence and a deep betrayal.

[mymonkeybug]

You know, hubby and I actually lost two very close friends(a husband and wife)over this.

 

You see hubby and I share things with each other so when that hubby would go to him or she would come to me, always with marital issues, we would talk to each other just to get a sense of whether we felt we should help as friends and step in or just let it go, whether we should suggest counseling, etc....

 

Neither person ever specifically said, "Do not share with hubby/wife." Well as it turns out, they never share anything with each other that we would share with them, meaning wife would never tell hubby when I would speak of marital/kid/whatever issues and same for hubby when my hubby would share such things with him. I think they assumed ALL married couples didn't share with each other.

 

Anyway, I was told quite nastilly that we both(hubby and myself)ruined the friendship and destroyed ALL trust they had with us. Then suddenly, friends we hung out with all the time, had dinner with, celebrated bdays with, watched each other's kids...they were gone and haven't said boo to us and we even attend the same church. Hubby decided to start taking us back to our old church due to that and some of the childish behavior going on as a result of all this break down.

 

OK, just wanted to give an example.

[shinyhappypeople]

If I wanted your husband to know about it I would have told him myself!

 

Married couples are not actually ONE PERSON. If someone said, ''of course I'll tell my husband about it" I would stop mid-sentance.

 

I think it is INCREDIBLY rude to tell your husband something that a friend has shared with you in confidence and a deep betrayal.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Especially the bolded part.

 

I think wives "telling everything" to their husbands (even confidential information that doesn't affect their family at all) is just a way of giving yourself permission to gossip.

 

To those who are transparent enough to warn your friends ahead of time that you can't keep things truly confidential... THANK YOU.

[lionfamily1999]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Especially the bolded part.

 

I think wives "telling everything" to their husbands (even confidential information that doesn't affect their family at all) is just a way of giving yourself permission to gossip.

 

To those who are transparent enough to warn your friends ahead of time that you can't keep things truly confidential... THANK YOU.

I think it's perfectly fine especially if you have the sort of relationship with your spouse wherein you consider yourselves one.

 

I suppose every opinion has its polar opposite ;)

 

ETA, in our relationship we don't keep secrets from each other. In my world, dh comes first (our relationship comes first) and I wouldn't put up any walls for someone else, neither would I start keeping secrets from him.

Edited March 9, 2011 by lionfamily1999

[TheReader]

I'm another Other.

 

It really depends on the situation for me.

 

If it's girl talk, I see no reason to share that with my husband.

 

If it's someone he knows, and I know the person telling me would be embarrassed/upset for him to know, I don't tell my husband.

 

If it's someone he doesn't know, he probably doesn't care, so I probably wouldn't tell him.

 

There have been times, though, when it was something excruciatingly hard for me, something that impacted me directly (not just as a friend of a person going through xyz, but in that the xyz had a direct impact on me in some way) and in order to talk to my own husband about what I was then going through, I did have to share the xyz about the friend so he had the full picture and could understand the situation.

 

Generally in that case the friend in question already knew that dh & I are a package deal, or had specifically said I could tell him if I needed to. Only once can I think of that I told my husband something that a friend had asked me not to share even with him, but it was of the "this impacts me directly and thus is not only her secret to keep" type of thing.

 

I do consider, when talking to friends, "Do I want this to get back to her husband...?" and decide what to share and what not to based on that. I've specifically not shared some things with certain friends because I know she/they are the type to tell their husbands everything.

[LaissezFaire]

I always tell people up front before they ask me to keep something a secret that I share everything with my husband. Then they can choose whether they want to tell me. Unless it's a secret involving some sort of surprise for him. It's much too hard for me to have secrets from my husband so I am honest and up front about it.

 

My best friend and I just know that when we tell each other something, we are also telling the husband essentially.

[ladydusk]

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

 

:iagree:

[KristinaBreece]

I pretty much expected a variety of responses on this one.

 

I personally don't "default" to telling my husband. If the secret in question is placing a burden on me personally, it generally affects him, so the few times that has happened, I've told him. I do, however, try to let a friend know if I have to give that information to DH. I can count three times in the last 7 years that I've HAD to give DH information that was pertinent to us as a couple or that affected me so deeply I needed him to share the burden. Like when our roommate was seriously thinking about moving out of state before our lease was up & didn't want me to tell DH that she was thinking about moving in with her LD boyfriend. And the time my dad told me he was thinking about leaving my stepmother, his wife of 21 years. Those things I HAD to tell Ben.

 

Otherwise, I tend to keep things to myself, and he doesn't really want to know most of what my friends & I discuss. Sometimes, he says, ignorance IS bliss.

 

ETA: When I tell a married friend something, I do assume that they may tell their spouse, unless I specifically ask them not to. (And in the case of one couple that DH & I are friends with... they talk to us, but not to each other, about everything. That seems odd to me.)

Edited March 9, 2011 by KristinaBreece

[Jean in Newcastle]

I will ask the person - "Is it ok to tell Dh?" If they say, "no" then I will not tell him. He does the same.

[Holly IN]

I selected the 2nd one. However if my dh is a gossiper then I won't tell him at all. In my case he is not a gossiper and will not pass information along.

[MamaT]

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

 

This. I don't keep secrets from my dh.

[BakersDozen]

I cannot imagine automatically sharing any confidence told to me with my dh. He would never ask as he respects my friendships with others and the trust between us. It's not a matter of being deceitful but respectful. I have friends who tell their dh's everything and I tell those friends absolutely nothing I want to keep secret, ever. It's hard because I have to keep some of my most personal things from close friends - things I don't mind them knowing but don't need their dh to know.

Edited March 9, 2011 by LuvnMySvn

[KidsHappen]

I almost always share with my spouse but I do let the person know that I will so that they can choose whether this is ok with them. My children have told me some things that they haven't wanted me to share with their father and they were private things that I didn't consider so important that he needed to know. Major things regarding the children are always shared. I wouldn't share a confidence with someone and expect them not to share with their spouse so I make sure that anything I tell someone is something that I am ok with both of them knowing.

[dangermom]

It depends. If it's just a friendly confidence, then husbandly inclusion is pretty assumed in our circle. So "Don't tell anyone yet, but I'm pregnant" includes the husband. And I assume that what I tell my friends probably gets told to their husbands too; I don't mind.

 

But if it's a matter of church confidentiality (or some other non-personal context), then of course I would not tell him, nor would he tell me. In my position at church I sometimes know about situations that I do not pass on, and the same goes for him. We have certainly had times in the past when we both knew about someone's situation and did not tell each other about it.

[chrissymama]

I almost always tell my spouse, unless the person specifically asks me not to AND I feel okay about that. I don't tell anybody else.

 

I expect my friends will do the same with secrets I tell them.

[Danestress]

I am on a prayer team at church. I learn all kinds of things. I try never share them with DH unless someone's safety is at stake and he needs to know. That's never happened. If someone can't commit to keep a confidence, they can't be on a prayer team.

 

DH learns all kinds of things through work, and people confide other things in him too. He doesn't need to share those things with me. I would think less of him if he did.

 

For me, I guess the question is, "Why would I tell my DH?" If it's because he really needs to know, okay. For me, it would more likely be because I wanted to unburden myself or because it's something new to talk about. It's possible he would have great advice for the other person, but so would a lot of other people - not my job to betray a confidence in order to collect advice for someone. I don't think it's fair to unburden myself to him about someone else's private business, so my desire to talk it out isn't relevant. I've done it a few times, and felt bad afterwards.

 

Women share things with other women they just don't really want to share with a man. Men share things with other men they don't really want to share with a woman. If a friend of DH's wants to tell me about his porn addiction or impotence, I guess he can tell me himself. It's not DH's place to share.

 

If a girlfriend of mine wants to cry on my shoulder about her husband's mid life crisis, she shouldn't have to worry that DH and I will be discussing that later.

[Holly]

If I had a good reason, I might tell DH...most of the "secrets" I hear aren't anything he would care to hear (feminine issues, general venting, etc.), so they usually stay with me. If it was something that really bothered me, I might pass it on for advice. My DH also isn't a "gossip" and I know it doesn't go past him.

[elegantlion]

I am on a prayer team at church. I learn all kinds of things. I try never share them with DH unless someone's safety is at stake and he needs to know. That's never happened. If someone can't commit to keep a confidence, they can't be on a prayer team.

 

DH learns all kinds of things through work, and people confide other things in him too. He doesn't need to share those things with me. I would think less of him if he did.

 

For me, I guess the question is, "Why would I tell my DH?" If it's because he really needs to know, okay. For me, it would more likely be because I wanted to unburden myself or because it's something new to talk about. It's possible he would have great advice for the other person, but so would a lot of other people - not my job to betray a confidence in order to collect advice for someone. I don't think it's fair to unburden myself to him about someone else's private business, so my desire to talk it out isn't relevant. I've done it a few times, and felt bad afterwards.

 

Women share things with other women they just don't really want to share with a man. Men share things with other men they don't really want to share with a woman. If a friend of DH's wants to tell me about his porn addiction or impotence, I guess he can tell me himself. It's not DH's place to share.

 

If a girlfriend of mine wants to cry on my shoulder about her husband's mid life crisis, she shouldn't have to worry that DH and I will be discussing that later.

 

Amen! I know in my case I was venting about my spouse to what I thought was a friend who would keep it in confidence. It wasn't really that big of an issue. She turned around and used it as a reason to bring up to her dh, my dh and her dh were not good friends. In turn her dh chose to judge my dh based upon my vent. Even once the situation was resolved her dh continued to judge my dh and it completely skewed his perspective of my dh. So for something that I had gotten over and forgiven my spouse about, not even a huge issue, my "friends" spouse decided to hold it against my spouse.

 

Now, I simply don't share things with other people. If she had kept her mouth shut about it and realized it was just a vent, not a prayer point for her and her dh, my dh might not have been hurt by the fallout (which I am leaving out the rest, as it turned into a bunch of hurtful gossip because her dh chose not to keep the confidence either).

 

Sorry, sore point for me today. I don't keep secrets from my dh, but I don't share about every conversation I have with others, especially if they've specifically asked me not to.

[shinyhappypeople]

Amen! I know in my case I was venting about my spouse to what I thought was a friend who would keep it in confidence. It wasn't really that big of an issue. She turned around and used it as a reason to bring up to her dh, my dh and her dh were not good friends. In turn her dh chose to judge my dh based upon my vent. Even once the situation was resolved her dh continued to judge my dh and it completely skewed his perspective of my dh. So for something that I had gotten over and forgiven my spouse about, not even a huge issue, my "friends" spouse decided to hold it against my spouse.

 

Now, I simply don't share things with other people. If she had kept her mouth shut about it and realized it was just a vent, not a prayer point for her and her dh, my dh might not have been hurt by the fallout (which I am leaving out the rest, as it turned into a bunch of hurtful gossip because her dh chose not to keep the confidence either).

 

Sorry, sore point for me today. I don't keep secrets from my dh, but I don't share about every conversation I have with others, especially if they've specifically asked me not to.

 

Yeah, my friend's husband judged me based on what I shared (in confidence!!!!!) with her. She was able to put what I shared in context based on almost 20 years of friendship. He didn't have that context, judged me based on this information and I've never felt comfortable around him since.

 

It sucks. She was my best friend.

 

Was.

[laurad1125]

I voted other because if someone begins to tell me something in confidence, I stop them and warn them I won't keep it from my dh. Most people don't mind but I've had one or two who then didn't tell me. Fine with me.

[Trish]

Usually if someone says they want to tell me something they want kept secret, I tell them right at that point that I don't keep secrets from my husband. Then it's their choice whether to tell me or not.

 

Having said that, there ARE things/situations that I have not shared with my husband because they're about people he knows peripherally, and to share certain things would make them look bad in his eyes, and for no good reason, really.

[Joker]

I voted I always share. I honestly think the filter between my brain and mouth shuts off when its just dh and me. I just don't really *think* about what I'm saying because its dh and I tell him anything and everything. I tell him way more than he probably wants to know.:tongue_smilie:

[ByGrace3]

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

 

:iagree:

[ocelotmom]

I find that most often, when someone says "Don't tell anyone about this" they really mean "Don't tell our mutual acquaintances".

 

If I feel the need to talk about whatever it is or feel DH could provide useful perspective, and I don't feel that telling him would violate the spirit of their request, I may.

 

If I feel that talking to DH would violate the spirit of their request, I won't.

 

If I'm unclear, I'll either err on the side of caution and not say anything, address it in an anonymous fashion, or ask them first, whichever seems most appropriate.

 

I generally assume people will talk to their spouses about stuff, and specifically ask that they not talk about it with their spouse if that would be a problem.

[AuntieM]

I only share someone else's secret w/dh if it would change a wise course of action into an unwise one if he didn't have the info.

 

IE, I learned that a certain person was taking a medication that would impair his ability to drive. This person insists on continuing to drive. I told dh so that he would not allow the kids to be in the car with this person behind the wheel. So, stuff like that, I tell. Most other stuff, no.

 

That said, I do operate on the assumption that most of my acquaintances would share whatever I tell them with their husbands. Therefore, I have very few confidential friendship relationships in my life at this time I miss having a relationship like that.

 

Also, if I learn something about a person, or if a person tells me something that is not labeled a secret, but is revealing about that person, if I think it might affect the opinion he forms about that person, I don't tell him.

[texasmama]

I don't ALWAYS share every secret with my dh, but I don't consider telling him a confidence shared with me to be a breach of the confidence. I consider him "part of me". Also, he has few friends and certainly doesn't talk to them about anything I have discussed with him, so I know it goes no further. It is a problem for me when someone asks me to tell no one, not even my dh. It creates a conflict for me. That said, often friends might tell me something in confidence that I don't mention to dh because it doesn't seem relevant, doesn't come up, we are too busy, I forget, etc. I'm a therapist so I have the ability to be a vault for secrets when needed. I am not generally even tempted to pass on what others tell me in confidence.

[Debbie in OR]

Although I do believe that we are "one flesh" and therefore COULD in all good conscience share secrets with him, I ALWAYS ask person telling me the secret if it is ok to share with my dh. I have had only one person ever tell me she didn't want me telling my dh. I have honored that.

[Dmmetler]

I share if it's something where I need someone to talk it out with, or where DH has any reason/desire to know. Realistically, most of my friends' secrets, he could care less about-but sometimes I need someone to talk to. Both DH and I end up being confidantes for many people because neither of us pass on gossip, and both of us are in roles where we often end up serving as advocates for others on our teams. So for us, having someone we can discuss OUR frustrations with is very important.

 

FWIW, DH was turned down for a job with the NSA because he couldn't say, flat out, that he wouldn't talk about work with his wife. Both of us use the other to vent/talk out situations, not because we expect the other to know what to do, but simply because it helps to talk it out (and through they years, we've both gotten a decent grounding in the other's fields). One of DH's co-worker's wives will often call me to find out what's going on when her husband is acting stressed-because she KNOWS DH will tell me, and her husband doesn't want to "upset her", so doesn't-not realizing that stomping around the house like an enraged mammoth without any explanation is more upsetting when you don't know that the pointy haired boss is taking advise from Dogbert again ;).

[Mom23Boys]

I almost always tell my spouse. If it is extremely personal to the person telling me - female problems, or something sexually related (excluding affairs), then I don't tell my DH. I would tell my DH about an affair, depending on who it was. I also don't tell if someones "secret" is gossip for two reasons. One, I don't know if it is true or not and two, because it isn't even their secret to tell.

 

BUT, everyone telling me secrets knows my position and if someone that doesn't already know my position, I tell them before they get far enough to have revealed a secret.