New trend in our area makes me want to cry

[....]

Yes, we have them and my kids go to them.

No, they don't have sex, believe it or not. And no, I am not really naive.

They only sleep with others in a shared situation- all sprawled out on several mattresses places together in the loungeroom, parents nearby and able to walk in at any moment- or they sleep boys in one room, girls in another- which is what they do at my place because I have a son and a daughter close in age with their own bedroom each, so its easy to do it that way. Quite often there are half a dozen or more kids involved.

We have a unique situation of my kids being very close to another homeschooling family of 2 girls the same ages as my 2, whose parents are very liberal- even more so than us in this way. These 4 kids are in the same Venturer group (previously Scouts) and also the same teen gymnastic group, as well as being homeschoolers- they have a very tight but large group of friends, both male and female.

 

Yeah, we are very good friends with another family. One of the boys cries when he hasn't seen our kids in a couple of weeks. I would let them sleep over. All 7 of them would be supervised at all times, though... :D

 

As far as coed sleepovers at other people's houses (besides the family I mentioned), I wouldn't let my kids go after a certain age. If (by chance) they did, they would sleepover here, where I could control everything. No one helicopters like I do (ha ha ha - evil laugh). :tongue_smilie:

[Carrie12345]

I don't know. I grew up with various co-ed sleeping scenarios, from visiting cousins as a small child to after-prom parties, and even had dh living in our family home before we were married. I never engaged in any sort of questionable activity during a "parent sanctioned" overnight. (The times I wasn't given explicit permission are a whole other story!)

[Tarreymere]

That trend also happened about thirty years ago. I remember even then thinking that the parents were nuts. I didn't tell my parents that the sleepovers were coed and they didn't check up on me. Yes, there was a lot of non-innocent physical contact going on and I learned quite a bit (!) but as far as I knew only one or two couples actually had sex. But believe me, it was at one of those sleepovers that I became first acquainted with Mr. Willy, and there was some very advanced groping going on. We were only able to get alcohol every now and then, but when we could we had it there too. Parents do fall asleep, eventually, and sex and groping are pretty quiet activities. No way I would ever agree to that kind of thing as a parent.

[Princess Peach]

At first I was appalled at this...then I read the post about some people doing this in high school. Yep, I recall doing this. My close group of friends included a couple of guys. We all slept in the living room and trust me, nothing happened, nor would we have wanted it to.

 

Then someone mentioned after the prom...yes, we did that, too! Again, everyone sprawled in the living room. Nothing happened. This was exactly 20 years ago.

 

I don't think I'd let my dc do this, though. But my parents let me do a lot of things I don't allow my dc to do.

[stripe]

Is this a group thing or two people going on a date and then spending the night?

 

These happened when I was in high school. Both varieties, actually.

 

[Although not hosted by the academically minded Asian immigrant parents. ;) Reference the Chinese mother thread.]

[mommaduck]

I was at one in my teens. Let me just say that, for those whose boyfriends had stayed over, there was nothing innocent going on. One girl and I headed to the kitchen in the middle of the night for a drink of water. Thankfully I didn't have my glasses on and couldn't see what the other girl saw.

[Teachin'Mine]

I don't have enough blankets in my house to properly bundle my DD and her boyfriend.

 

:lol:

 

I'm picturing a blanket roll three feet thick. :lol:

 

We don't do lock-ins - even if they're set up by a church group. Honestly, I don't see the point to them and they just set a precedent for a different type of sleep over later on.

[TXMary2]

We are conservative christians and I wouldn't allow this. That said, I did allow my oldest son to go camping several times with a girlfriend and her family. Her Dad was there so I never worried since his *terms* were very clear!

 

When I was 15 I had a boyfriend and my parents allowed him to move in with us because his mother was an alcoholic and unreliable in getting him to school etc. After a while he was sleeping in my room and my mother would come in every morning to wake us for school. At the time it seemed so "cool" and my friends we so jealous. Looking back, it was insanity and I don't know WTHeck my parents were thinking.

[May]

Would never allow dds to attend anything of the sort. I'm still shocked that some parents think this is OK but then, I'm to the right of conservative, or so I've been told.

[MSNative]

My mom let a male friend sleep on our couch for several nights after his parents kicked him out, until he was able to make more permanent arrangements. This was the week before we started college. She did make sure to call my dad (in his hearing) and tell him there was a boy on the couch and not to shoot him when he got home from work. :D Beyond that sort of extreme situation, my mom would never have allowed such a thing. And ds is only 7, but I can't imagine letting him do it either.

 

I'm married to the friend now, btw. We really were just friends at the time. I swear.

 

I like your mom!! That is fantastic!

 

I'm from the South, too, and had very conservative parents. Even with good Christian boys, coed sleepovers would not fly. The closest we've come is when we're visiting friends who have a daughter. She sleeps in her room, my boys stay in mine. Does that count as a sleepover?

 

 

Now, what we did have that blows my mind was parents buying booze for their kids. I remember one guy whose mom kept the fridge stocked and would make herself scarce while everyone partied there most weekends. Looking back I'm shocked.

 

One neighbor told me that last year her son's TEACHER actually bought a keg for a graduation party she was throwing for her kids. Are you kidding me?

[Peela]

Is this a group thing or two people going on a date and then spending the night?

 

These happened when I was in high school. Both varieties, actually.

]

 

I am presuming its the group thing. However for some it may be couples- not here though. I am not ready for that, but I guess it will happen one day...and we will accomodate it when the time comes- not yet, and not encouraging it until its going to happen anyway.

My cousin had very liberal parents and she had a boyfriend allowed to stay over from when she was about 15-. She once told me she wishes her parents hadn't allowed it- she was too young and it was emotionally too difficult at that age to deal with. She is still very liberal but what she said has stuck in my mind.

[Guest momk2000]

As a general rule, we don't do sleepovers at all. I don't think they are necessary, the kids spend enough time together during the day. Things are very different today, and I just don't feel like I know the parents well enough to send my girls to their friends homes for an overnight. Even though some of their friends do sleepovers, the girls don't seem to mind that they are not allowed to participate.

[Tammyla]

Are parents really this naive? (No) Is our society becoming this permissive? Yes, call it Permissive, given up, don't care, busy or maybe tired.

Edited January 10, 2011 by Tammyla

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Is this a group thing or two people going on a date and then spending the night?

 

These happened when I was in high school. Both varieties, actually.

 

[Although not hosted by the academically minded Asian immigrant parents. ;) Reference the Chinese mother thread.]

 

Both. Group sleepovers are usually 3-4 couples. These are all bf/gf.

Then there are the two people (single couple) sleepovers. (shaking my head in disbelief)

 

---

In reply to other types of co-ed sleepovers. I am not opposed to cousins, good friends (as long as they are young) and certain other 'special circumstances' co-ed sleepovers. Those things happen.

 

What I am dismayed about are the planned co-ed sleepovers with high schoolers. Like I said earlier, these are not just after dances or special occassions. They are planned, there is plenty of thought put into these things. Such as selection of couples to invite, whose parents are more lax in supervision, etc.

 

And there is hanky-panky going on. These kids post about it on FB. They say things like "I got my freak on last night with (insert girlfriend's name) at (insert house owner's name)." And the girls will post pics or something along the lines of "Got to 'cuddle' all night with (insert boyfriend's name)." I am not quite sure of all of their lingo - they have so many words for deeds that I don't even want to think about.

[MBM]

As far as I know, co-ed sleepovers in high school are not happening in my area. They do happen in college, though.

 

It's the sneaky booze parties thrown by other parents that concern me. Two teens died in our town because some parents threw a secret party for their children's friends. I've seen adults make too many poor choices, so I'm careful about what my kids do with others.

[Dmmetler]

I would think that would potentially open the PARENTS to legal action, depending on the age of consent in your area.

 

I will say, though, that I was in a co-ed fraternity in college, and we did have camping trips and sleepovers that were co-ed, without anything happening. And I do mean ANYTHING. Part of that, though, was that there was a strong rule in place that there was no "incest"-you didn't sleep with or date your fraternity brothers-and that if a relationship started, one or both of the participants had to go inactive while they were dating. The rule was in place because it had been shown in the past that the quickest way to tear apart the group was for it to become a bunch of dating couples. These were 18-25 yr olds, maybe?

 

So I think it's possible for older teens to have co-ed groups and to not have them deteriorate, if the culture of the group calls for it. Having said that, I still wouldn't allow my high school aged DD to go to such a party.

[Murmer]

Honestly we did this in high school too...mostly because we were a rural area where the drive could be hour+ over scary windy roads (I hit a deer one time on the way home from a boyfriends late at night) after events. So we would have the far away friends spend the night regardless of gender. I was a matter of keeping people safe from driving late at night. But they were supervised in seperate rooms and multiple roommates. If there was a bf/gf situation they were not allowed to be around each other after "bedtime", although I am not sure how the parents would have kept them apart everyone just did.

[Desert Rat]

We had co-ed sleep overs at 16. There would be 8-15 of us, depending on the turnout. We usually slept under the stars in the backyard in sleeping bags. There was never any monkey business (No, really, I'm not being niave. There really wasn't). We were all good friends. End of story. We had heaps of fun.

Growing up, I was always closer with males. Into adulthood, I always had male friends. After marriage, I still preferred to hang out with men, only now I did so with my dh. It's only been in the last 8-10 years that I've starting hanging out with other women. I think it's only because of the kid thing.

Not all teenagers only think about getting into each other's pants. I didn't. And I remember those sleepovers as some of the best nights of my life.

[Lolly]

double posted?

Edited January 10, 2011 by Lolly

[Mejane]

Not all teenagers only think about getting into each other's pants. I didn't. And I remember those sleepovers as some of the best nights of my life.

 

:iagree:I wish people would quit thinking of all teenagers as nothing more than walking groins.

Edited January 10, 2011 by Mejane

[Lolosoli]

Hmmm? I wonder if these are the same type of parents that allow drinking in the home so that they have a sense of what is going on in their child's life. They feel kids are going to drink and have sex anyways....why not have it under their own safe roof.

 

I think it is pretty pathetic if you ask me....

[Lolly]

Hmmm? I wonder if these are the same type of parents that allow drinking in the home so that they have a sense of what is going on in their child's life. They feel kids are going to drink and have sex anyways....why not have it under their own safe roof.

 

I think it is pretty pathetic if you ask me....

 

No, these parents don't think their kids are doing anything. They are all just friends. No hanky-panky going on. Ummm, do they ever see what their kids put on FaceBook? No. They are appalled at the though of trespassing on their darlings privacy. Honestly, I'm shocked that FB doesn't pull some of these pictures. They are very close to X-rated. Guys with their hands on girls' chests. Dry h#mping from the rear with clothes on. (I have asked them in casual conversation about these same questions.)

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:iagree:I wish people would quit thinking of all teenagers as nothing more than walking groins.

 

I don't think the problem is that people think all teenagers are 'doing it'. I think the problem is that many teens behave in ways that cause people to believe this is what is happening. It certainly is in my area. We have the highest teen pregnancy rate and teenage STD/STI rate in the state.

 

The exceptions to the rule here are the good kids. It is rare for a teen to make it through high school without having had ***.

 

---

Then there is the Hollywood influence. When was the last time a movie about teens was filmed when the teens weren't full of hormones and ***ual angst? Did you see Easy A? What about every show on MTV? Did you know that girls are intentionally getting pregnant so they can audition for 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom?

 

Good kids...kids who choose not to participate in those life choices are usually portrayed as losers, outcasts and undesirables.

 

(gotta go...I hope these random thought can be understood) I'll check back in later.

[FloridaLisa]

Are parents really this naive? (No) Is our society becoming this permissive? Yes, call it Permissive, given up, don't care, busy or maybe tired.

 

:iagree: Completely agree. I first noticed this after reading some vague references on fb to these happenings. I asked dd and she said it happens a lot. :001_huh:

 

Lisa

[golfcartmama]

No way. I've learned to never say never, but...no way!

[susankenny]

WHAT?????? WHAT????????????? WHAT??????????????

 

:svengo:

 

 

I've never in my life heard of any such thing! That is INSANE! Boys aren't even allowed in my daughter's bedroom, let alone to spend the night!

 

 

Susan

[HRAAB]

I remember when our parish first started having co-ed 'lock-ins'. My dh and I were beyond shocked. So I'm not surprised this is happening. My sister's dd had a male friend over all night - they're about 11 yrs old. Call me whatever you want, old fashioned, Victorian, strict, I don't care. Sure as h*ll isn't happening here.

 

And I fully realize not all teens are having sex, but why in the world do I want to put my kids, at that age, with those hormones zipping around like crazy, into such a situation?

[Tarreymere]

Hormones are hormones, and it is reasonable to suppose that adolescents have less experience with controlling their urges and would be more susceptible to temptation. No matter how wonderful those young men are, biology is biology and boys that age get erections at the very thought of a girl, let alone 'snuggling' one or sleeping next to one. So, why would I as a parent want to facilitate a situation that may result in causing a young person to give into that temptation?

I noticed that most of the posters who are in favor of these activities are female. I think as women we are more inclined to think warm, fuzzy thoughts about friendship and affection between the young people. Any men out there want to speak out about what they think might be going on in the minds of those young boys?

[Perry]

I think as women we are more inclined to think warm, fuzzy thoughts about friendship and affection between the young people. Any men out there want to speak out about what they think might be going on in the minds of those young boys?

:iagree:

I think women tend to underestimate the degree to which adolescent boys think about sex. At least that's what dh says. ;)

[jewellsmommy]

:lol:

 

I'm picturing a blanket roll three feet thick. :lol:

 

We don't do lock-ins - even if they're set up by a church group. Honestly' date=' I don't see the point to them and they just set a precedent for a different type of sleep over later on.[/quote']

 

 

My dh and I are youth leaders at our church and we have abandoned "lock-ins." We do evening theme or game nights from like 6-10 but no more overnights. We have had too many potential problems for me to be comfortable with this even with many adult chaperons. It is much easier to maintain structure for 4 hrs than 12! I have caught a pair in a closet :toetap05:before. I could not believe it, it's a church people! Thankfully it had not gone too far, but that was an unpleasant conversation to have with parents. To my dismay, one parent could not see what all the fuss was about. :001_huh:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

My mind immediately goes to the scene in the movie "The Patriot" where the mom is sewing Heath Ledger up tightly in a bag so that only his head is showing. The dad looks worried and the mom says, "Don't worry. I'm a better sewer than my mom was!" He says, "I hope so!"

 

Yeah. That's the ONLY way that a boy would stay over with one of my dds. In an absolute straight jacket. What are those parents thinking?

[Rivka]

I went on co-ed sleepovers all the time as an older teen. I lived in an area with several lakes, and many families had a lakeside vacation cottage. One kid would invite a bunch of friends "up to the lake" for an overnight or for the weekend.

 

I have such happy memories of those sleepovers. We would sleep in sleeping bags around the wood stove or drag mattresses down to the dock to sleep under the stars. We'd build a fire around the beach and someone would play the guitar. We'd stay up late talking and eating snacks. We were all close friends and it was very comfortable and not at all a sexually charged atmosphere.

 

My parents' rules: the host's parents must be there. I couldn't be the only girl (most of my friends were boys). I also doubt that they would have let me go if I'd had a boyfriend in the group, but I never did. (I was the kind of girl guys hang out with, not the kind they date. I didn't ever get asked out until I was about to leave for college. So apparently these teen guys were able to not think about sex in some situations.)

 

I would veto a sleepover that was made up of dating couples, but if my daughter grows up with a mixed-gender group of friends the way I did, I would probably allow co-ed sleepovers if I knew the kids and their parents.

 

Our church youth group has co-ed sleepovers and youth cons, but they are supervised by adults who stay awake at night. And they're only for teens who have completed our church's rigorous sex ed course.

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

How many here don't allow supervised/separate bedroom overnights, but do allow their teens to be alone (in a car, at an event, etc.) with the opposite sex?

[Caitilin]

:iagree:

I think women tend to underestimate the degree to which adolescent boys think about sex. At least that's what dh says. ;)

 

:iagree:with Perry's dh. The things MY dh has told me about his teenage thought-process can make me blush, and I am not especially shy...!

[regentrude]

I went on co-ed sleepovers all the time as an older teen. I lived in an area with several lakes, and many families had a lakeside vacation cottage. One kid would invite a bunch of friends "up to the lake" for an overnight or for the weekend.

 

I have such happy memories of those sleepovers. We would sleep in sleeping bags around the wood stove or drag mattresses down to the dock to sleep under the stars. We'd build a fire around the beach and someone would play the guitar. We'd stay up late talking and eating snacks. We were all close friends and it was very comfortable and not at all a sexually charged atmosphere.

 

I grew up in Germany. I attended plenty coed sleepovers which were really just that. Often after parties so people could stay late (nobody had cars and public transportation did not run late at night). There were no sexual connotations at all. Even the couples who dated knew the unwritten rules on how to behave at a group sleepover.

This said: everybody would have had plenty of other opportunities for things outside these sleepovers.

 

I am constantly surprise by the many sexual undertones in this country.

But then - this came up in another discussion - one of my home town's public pools is a nude pool, for example, and nobody thinks twice about it.

[*Inna*]

Oh, yeah, I remember those growing up. :glare:

And there's not a chance my kids would be attending such sleepovers.

[mommaduck]

How many here don't allow supervised/separate bedroom overnights, but do allow their teens to be alone (in a car, at an event, etc.) with the opposite sex?

Not there yet.

[Lune]

I grew up in Germany. I attended plenty coed sleepovers which were really just that. Often after parties so people could stay late (nobody had cars and public transportation did not run late at night). There were no sexual connotations at all. Even the couples who dated knew the unwritten rules on how to behave at a group sleepover.

This said: everybody would have had plenty of other opportunities for things outside these sleepovers.

 

I am constantly surprise by the many sexual undertones in this country.

But then - this came up in another discussion - one of my home town's public pools is a nude pool, for example, and nobody thinks twice about it.

 

:iagree:- I grew up in Europe.

[JennifersLost]

I went to those sleepovers 20 years ago, too. Sometimes they were fairly tame. Other times they were NOT.

 

We almost never let kids do sleepovers and we don't do co-ed ones. But when we didn't let ds attend one as a 14 yo, people gave us a hard time. Other people whose kids DID attend didn't know until we told them that the event was co-ed....

[OregonNative]

:001_huh::thumbdown: INSANE!

[pqr]

Any men out there want to speak out about what they think might be going on in the minds of those young boys?

 

 

Over my dead body.

 

For the chaps I knew as a teen this would have been a dream come true. Parents are deluding themselves if they honestly believe that a group of boys would behave themselves. There are good boys who could be trusted but there are many, very many, who could not. This is playing with fire and gasoline and in my opinion is simply nuts.

[Hannah C.]

How many here don't allow supervised/separate bedroom overnights, but do allow their teens to be alone (in a car, at an event, etc.) with the opposite sex?

 

Now that I think about it, I don't think I was ever alone in a car with a member of the opposite sex for any length of time until after I turned 18, when I was actually allowed to date. That boyfriend is now my DH. :D Nor did I go anywhere alone with a boy until that boyfriend, either.

 

In high school I received rides home from youth group and other various group events with boys, but they were always group carpools and so if any "alone time" happened it was about five minutes' worth..and that was the most awkward part of the drive usually. These boys were *not* ones I was interested in, nor were they interested in me -- the guy I was interested in at the time didn't drive.

 

I'm much, much younger than most people on this board, and no one I'm Facebook friends with has posted these inappropriate pictures or Facebook statuses that some of you have mentioned. Nor has anyone ever done so, to my recollection, in my years of having a Facebook. So there is hope for teenagers! (And college students!)

[iammommy]

Not going to happen here, that's for sure. I will reread this post every time I feel like putting ds back in public school! This is just insane. What is happening to our society?:confused:

 

Nan

[pqr]

This is just insane. What is happening to our society?:confused:

 

Nan

 

A collapse in morality, values and standards.

When parents decide to be their child's friend rather than parent this happens.

Is there any wonder the numbers of illegitimate children are skyrocketing?

[KatieH]

Are you kidding me? No way. Never.

 

When I slept over at my best friend's house, her older brother (who I dated off and on) had to sleep downstairs near his mom. I wasn't dumb enough to have a problem with that!

[StephanieZ]

I think it's bonkers.

 

In our little hs community, there are a couple families who frequently host huge parties. . . The kids tend to *all* sleep over. . . ages 9 - 18ish. I am sure the youngers go off in their own room, but the 11-17ish kids I think mostly crash anywhere, all over the place. I am sure there is alcohol accessible to the kids as well, although I don't think it is much of an issue (as yet).

 

I love a lot of these families (great people), know the kids well (good kids). . . but my kids do NOT go to those parties. At. All.

 

No way.

 

We host sleep overs / slumber parties All. The. Time. Once the kids hit 10 or so, I no longer allowed more than one gender of kids to sleep over at the same time. Only exception is in the summer when the boys have to sleep outside in tents while the girls are in the house. Around midnight, the boys are banished to the yard; the girls to the house. . . (And we spot check throughout the evening/night. . . and there would be catastrophic consequences if the kids weren't where they were supposed to be. . . and they have sufficient fear to keep them in line, lol)

 

It is pure insanity to allow this. Pure. The parents are in MAJOR denial if they think it's harmless! MAJOR.

 

ETA: After age 18, I think it's an entirely different issue. I don't plan to police my kids' sleeping arrangements once they are adults.

Edited January 11, 2011 by StephanieZ

[Tap]

I wouldn't allow it but I did it when I was a teen. My boyfriend for most of high school was attending Rutgers and I lived in Oregon. He would come see me on holiday breaks and stay at my house. He was supposed to stay in his own room but we did wander a bit.

 

I would sometimes go to see him, and his family would put us in the same bed, in a private room ( I was 16-17yo). I vacationed with his extended family at 17 and we were given our own room.

 

My mom would even let us get a hotel room and go to the coast or to the mountains at that age.

 

I traveled with my BFF (a boy), just the two of us, for a week, across the country at 17yo.

 

We had numerous co-ed sleep overs in high school, often with a party. Some people hooked up, some didn't. It wasn't an orgy but not all that innocent either.

 

 

I always got the impression that my mother knew what was going on, but figured we were all safer in a house that in a car on a back road. She feigned naivete, but even then I knew she knew what was going on. I know that many parents feel that they would rather give their kids a safe secure place to play around than out in the woods or in abandoned places.

 

 

BUT, as much sex that was happening between boys and girls when I was that age..... the amount never touched the amount going on between the girls alone. I am guessing it was similar for the boys. I wasn't gay, and never participated. Several of my friends were secretly gay (from their parents-the teens knew who was and wasn't). It was pretty common for the girls to do 'sleepovers' and laugh that the parents were soooo worried about boys, when they weren't interested in boys At.ALL.

 

 

I have never allowed boy/girl sleepovers for my own kids (even when they were little) It does concern me with dd12 and ds16s friends. I know it isn't too long until she starts noticing they are around.

[sewingmama]

Any men out there want to speak out about what they think might be going on in the minds of those young boys?

 

Well I'm not a guy but my DH tells me constantly about what teenage boys think about (even the good ones) and there is no way on earth he will be letting any of our kids attend a co-ed sleepover.

[laughing lioness]

I grew up in Germany. I attended plenty coed sleepovers which were really just that. Often after parties so people could stay late (nobody had cars and public transportation did not run late at night). There were no sexual connotations at all. Even the couples who dated knew the unwritten rules on how to behave at a group sleepover.

This said: everybody would have had plenty of other opportunities for things outside these sleepovers.

 

I am constantly surprise by the many sexual undertones in this country.

But then - this came up in another discussion - one of my home town's public pools is a nude pool, for example, and nobody thinks twice about it.

 

I understand that anthropologically cultures with more leniency towards nudity have stricter morays regarding appropriate behavior in terms of interactions between people, as well as how to sit, etc.

[danybug]

I did not read all of the responses, so I am not sure if anyone else fessed up to this. But when I was in high school I was allowed to sleep out at friends houses, who were having co-ed sleepovers. This was junior and senior year in high school, which was like 14 years ago. And pretty much everyone at my catholic school was doing this.

 

I convinced my parents to allow me and I had once at my parents house. Nothing really happened in terms of sexually with anyone, but there was drinking. Parents never really knew we were drinking, but ones who did thought it was better to have everyone stay then driving drunk.

 

I think back now and know I would not allow my kids. But then I wonder if it would really matter, because we were all doing the same exact things whether we were sleeping over co-ed or not. I just think the big difference now is that we homeschool and hopefully my kids will not be exposed to the same craziness.