WWYD? Would you let dd12 go to her brother's trial?

[Tap]

As a lot of you know, ds16 is going to trial for a burglary that he didn't commit. An eyewitness saw ds16 walking to the mail box in the neighborhood of the robbery, pointed him out to a cop and said "that's him". There was no evidence or fingerprints collected at the scene of the burglary so there is no evidence to clear him. Ds has no identifying marks about him and he doesn't stand out in anyway ie no tats, identifying clothes or physical traits.. Just a typical tall, thin, blond teen. Her description of the robber is that he was "tall, lanky, blond boy about 5'8" wearing a blue sweatshirt " so that doesn't help to clear him. She saw the robber for about 15 seconds. He absolutely didn't do it. He was home, in bed at the time, 3am, so he has no alibi to clear him. It isn't a jury trial, just a judge who will be making the decision. We do believe the crime happened, it is just a case of mistaken identity.

 

 

So far, dd12 has been involved only to the extent of family discussions. She hasn't been to see the lawyer or at the court house.

 

I am trying to decide if I should allow her to go to the trial. She hasn't asked, but I expect her to.

 

On one hand, it would be a good opportunity for her to see the system in action. She can go see a trial (by judge) in a case that I know the facts aren't gruesome or vulgar. She can be there to support her brother and to feel like she is involved. If he is found innocent, it will help her see how the system 'works'.

 

On the other hand, if the judge decides that this witness's testimony is valid, her brother could get found guilty. :( It could be a very, very emotional day for all of us.

 

 

I go over it and over it in my mind and I keep getting stuck on two things. Will she regret not being included as she grows up? ie How some people are upset that they didn't get the choice to attend a funeral as a child.

 

Or could the potential emotional impact be too hard on her? Make her distrust the system? Make her feel less safe in the community? While she has undoubtedly felt the stress in the house, she has been pretty sheltered from it. We aren't a hugely emotional family, so everything so far has been pretty subdued around it.

 

I am going to talk to dd4's therapist/psychiatrist about it too, to get their point of view from a child's mental health standpoint, but I thought I would try here too. (Talk to them about dd12 going, not dd4-she will not be there)

 

 

Please feel free to say what you think, I am very toughed skinned....even if it is 'are you freaking crazy lady' :tongue_smilie:

 

 

ETA: DD12 loves crime dramas, CSI type shows and is strong emotionally. She is very curious and mature for her age, so I am not concerned with inappropriate behavior. She also isn't the type to break down sobbing. I would have an adult in charge of her at the trial so if she needed to leave for any reason, she would be able to. We often say that she could quite possibly be an attorney when she grows up due to her personality and arguing style.

 

 

PS I am leaning more on the side of not letting her go, but I especially wanted to ge others ideas.

Edited November 7, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[elfgivas]

funerals and trials are different beasts.

 

i would fully recommend the first, and strongly council against the second. there will be times for her to see the system (not) work. seeing someone you love on a witness stand is just tough.

 

if she does ask, perhaps you can ask her to be the emotional support for dd4 while you are the support for ds?

 

hth,

ann

[melissel]

Oh Tap :grouphug: I've been thinking about him so much lately, wondering how the whole situation was and hoping it was improving. I'm so sorry to hear that it's gone this far forward :(

 

I'd lean toward letting her go, with many discussions beforehand about what could happen and knowing there could be fallout afterward. I think 12 is old enough to be considered a pillar of the family in a situation like this. I also think the things you're worried about if your son is found guilty will happen anyway, regardless of whether or not she's in the courtroom. If she does ask if she can be there, I'd be frank about my concerns with her and ask her if she's prepared to watch what happens if the outcome is not as you hope. Maybe that will help you both to judge whether or not to bring her.

 

I'm really sorry this hasn't somehow been cleared up by now :grouphug:

[Tammy]

I don't think a 12yo has the emotional stability to handle such a thing.

 

.

[jujsky]

I'm so sorry :grouphug: Somehow I missed all the posts about this. I'm going to be the odd-one-out and say that at 12 she is probably ready to go. She's going to know the outcome from you anyway and either way it goes she's going to have a lot of questions about how and why the judge arrived at such a decision. I think it's better that she's there to see how it all plays out. I think many people still look at 12 year-olds as babies instead of being one small step away from being a teen. If she's' mature and emotionally strong, let her go.

[Gwenhwyfar]

given the situation as described: if she wants to go ~ i'd take her. the rest of the family is going, aside from the "baby" (4 year old) right? i think if you leave her (assuming she wants to go) behind, she's going to feel like you view her as "too little" to support her brother as well and resent it.

 

(i've got some stuff in my own early teens that played out like that - being lumped in with the "babies" - and i'm still sour about it all these years later. that kind of stuff can stick with ya.)

[Tap]

given the situation as described: if she wants to go ~ i'd take her. the rest of the family is going, aside from the "baby" (4 year old) right? i think if you leave her (assuming she wants to go) behind, she's going to feel like you view her as "too little" to support her brother as well and resent it.

 

(i've got some stuff in my own early teens that played out like that - being lumped in with the "babies" - and i'm still sour about it all these years later. that kind of stuff can stick with ya.)

 

Ahh, yes this is one of my thoughts as well. I am the baby of the family and was treated like a 10yo until I was in my mid-30's. Always at the kid table (with nieces/nephews 10 years younger) for holidays, and always left out of the 'adult' family issues (my mom didn't want me to know she left my father-even though I was 21 at the time-I guess she was hoping I wouldn't figure it out :confused:).

 

I do have an out for this, as she is in private school and would miss school to attend. I can just say "sorry, you have school" and let that be the reason. It is a half-day for her, so I really am not to worried about her missing, but it is a valid reason to have her miss the trial.

[Tap]

I'm so sorry :grouphug: Somehow I missed all the posts about this. I'm going to be the odd-one-out and say that at 12 she is probably ready to go. She's going to know the outcome from you anyway and either way it goes she's going to have a lot of questions about how and why the judge arrived at such a decision. I think it's better that she's there to see how it all plays out. I think many people still look at 12 year-olds as babies instead of being one small step away from being a teen. If she's' mature and emotionally strong, let her go.

 

I agree that she will just be delayed in seeing the emotions until she gets home from school. I just don't know how she will feel seeing me and her brother on the stand in front of the judge, getting grilled by the opposing attorney.

 

I also agree that 12 is more of an teen than a kid.

[Tap]

I don't think a 12yo has the emotional stability to handle such a thing.

 

.

 

 

Do you have any specific concerns? I am really trying to figure out my 'whys' on this. In some ways, I agree. A 12yos perception of what is happening isn't always what actually happened, and thus their emotional response may not be what one would expect. But, I also feel that experiences are what help us to mature, and we already know all of the facts of the case so we can prep her for pretty much everything ahead of time.

 

I would really love to hear what you have to say....

[Lolly]

If she wants to go, I would allow her to do so.

[Jan in SC]

I just handed this to my dh to read(we are at lunch) and he asked if your defense attorney thinks he/she can get a directed verdict. He is concerned about a judge trial rather than a jury trial.

 

He thought your daughter would be fine as there doesn't seem to be sensitive issues involved.

[Tap]

Oh Tap :grouphug: I've been thinking about him so much lately, wondering how the whole situation was and hoping it was improving. I'm so sorry to hear that it's gone this far forward :(

 

I'd lean toward letting her go, with many discussions beforehand about what could happen and knowing there could be fallout afterward. I think 12 is old enough to be considered a pillar of the family in a situation like this. I also think the things you're worried about if your son is found guilty will happen anyway, regardless of whether or not she's in the courtroom. If she does ask if she can be there, I'd be frank about my concerns with her and ask her if she's prepared to watch what happens if the outcome is not as you hope. Maybe that will help you both to judge whether or not to bring her.

 

I'm really sorry this hasn't somehow been cleared up by now :grouphug:

 

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts. I can't believe it is not cleared up either. I have a friend who is a judge and she says that she is really shocked that the case hasn't been dropped yet, so it isn't just us who think so. I think it all comes down to the depth of conviction on the witnesses part to convince others that he did it. She is very convincing, but as I mentioned before she is a teacher, so she has that air of authority about her.

 

I agree that the emotions will follow us home and she will just know sooner rather than later if she attends. I guess it is more the intensity of the court room that I am thinking about. I know she will want to attend if I give her the choice, it is just her personality. So, if I put it out there as a possibility, I know her answer already.

[Tap]

I just handed this to my dh to read(we are at lunch) and he asked if your defense attorney thinks he/she can get a directed verdict. He is concerned about a judge trial rather than a jury trial.

 

He thought your daughter would be fine as there doesn't seem to be sensitive issues involved.

 

What is a directed verdict?

 

The lawyer feels the case will end up as a 'push' where each party is a 'witness' and each should be held at equal weight. She, to say he did it, he says, he didn't. Ds has no prior issues to discredit his testimony. The lack of evidence should go in ds's favor due to this. There are also a few other, small details that I don't want to disclose on a public forum that can help ds. But, it is just one person deciding his fate. I do wish it was a jury trial, as I am confident that a jury wouldn't be able to convict him.

 

 

ETA:"DIRECTED VERDICT: At the close of a plaintiffs case, a defendant asks the court to rule that the plaintiff has failed to put forth sufficient evidence, even when viewed in a light most favorable to the plaintiff, to support his/her claim. If the court so rules, the defendant is entitled to a dismissal without the defendant ever having to put on his/her case. Also, at the close of defendant's case, plaintiff can ask the court to rule in it's favor with a directed verdict on liability or special damages."

Edited November 7, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[DarlaS]

Her description of the robber is that he was "tall, lanky, blond boy about 5'8" wearing a blue sweatshirt " so that doesn't help to clear him.

 

 

This happened at 3AM? What did the robber do, come in and turn on the lights? People can't really see colors in the dark. :confused:

 

Witnesses are very suggestible, and often not reliable. Police ask questions like "What color shirt was he wearing" and the witness (who truly does not recall) tries to "remember"... often incorrectly--even to the point of choosing the wrong person in a line-up.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I cannot even imagine. I hope you have a very good lawyer. :grouphug:

[Tap]

This happened at 3AM? What did the robber do, come in and turn on the lights? People can't really see colors in the dark. :confused:

 

Witnesses are very suggestible, and often not reliable. Police ask questions like "What color shirt was he wearing" and the witness (who truly does not recall) tries to "remember"... often incorrectly--even to the point of choosing the wrong person in a line-up.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I cannot even imagine. I hope you have a very good lawyer. :grouphug:

 

The witness was asleep, house sitting in our neighborhood. She woke up to sounds and the dog growling. She go up and went to the living area, holding the watchdog -German shepherd back. She saw two teens in the house. She said something to the effect of "what are you doing here" one teen responded "don't talk to me". One teen then, jumped over the counter and ran out the door, the second teen ran out a different door. She called the homeowners the next late-morning, then the police at noon to report the incident. Before she called the police, the homeowners told her the only blond in the neighborhood was my son. Her friend in the neighborhood, told her that it sounded like my son also. So, before she called the police she had two different people already pointing her to my son. He was arrested 2 days later when the neighbor (her friend) saw him and said "is that him"....again being led to ds. We didn't even know the robbery had occured until after he was arrested. She saw him from 20+ feet away, and identified him. No photo line up, no physical line up. Just a blond kid who was at the mail box.

 

The police didn't attempt to gather fingerprints.

 

There were lights on in the house (rope lighting over the kitchen cabinets).

[bettyandbob]

I'd let her go if she says she wants to go.

 

Even if you decide she shouldn't go I would still suggest you think about whether she should attend school that day. If she wants to go, then she will be thinking about it a lot (probably even if she doesn't want to go). I don't think the typical school day is distracting enough for it not to be a problem should she go to school that day. Maybe have a back up plan for her to be able to call someone who has permission to pick her up from school if she's feeling really stressed at school.

[Chris in VA]

(edited for privacy)
Do keep her well informed, reassure her, be available, let her talk to you and ask questions (but don't be surprised if she doesn't)--
Don't view it as an abstract teaching experience to see how the system works. Believe me, it is an entirely different animal when someone you love is about to be at the mercy of the legal system.
Do you know what the punishment will be if he is found guilty? Will it be carried out immediately? Is he currently in detention, awaiting trial, or is he home under your supervision? (I think you've told us, I'm sorry I don't remember.)

I don't think a 12 yo should be considered a pillar of the family or a support to anyone. Let her be a kid. YOU be the support. It's too big a burden for a 6th grader.

[Denisemomof4]

ETA: DD12 loves crime dramas, CSI type shows and is strong emotionally. She is very curious and mature for her age, so I am not concerned with inappropriate behavior. She also isn't the type to break down sobbing. I would have an adult in charge of her at the trial so if she needed to leave for any reason, she would be able to. We often say that she could quite possibly be an attorney when she grows up due to her personality and arguing style.

 

 

 

 

You are freaking crazy, Lady. What's wrong with you?

 

I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.

 

Because of the description you gave of her, COUPLED WITH THE BOLDED PART ABOVE, I think it would be ok. If things got tense for her, she could be escorted out. I'd have PLENTY of talks with her ahead of time and let her know that if for WHAT EVER reason she wanted to walk out, she could. That no matter what she was feeling, it was ok for her.

 

The only concern I'd have is at the end, if he is found guilty. This will be very, very hard for such a young child to see. Yes, it would be good for her to be there to support her brother, but will it be too much to handle if he is found guilty? You all will be emotional anyway at home, but hearing it first hand........ that's something you're really going to have to decide yourself if she's old enough to handle.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I am praying that never happens. I'm SO sorry you all are going through this!!!

[Chris in VA]

Thought of an analogy--

If your son was going to have an operation, would you allow your dd to attend? Just because she wants to be a dr doesn't mean she should be in the operating room. So to speak.

[kalanamak]

 

 

On one hand, it would be a good opportunity for her to see the system in action. She can go see a trial (by judge) in a case that I know the facts aren't gruesome or vulgar. She can be there to support her brother and to feel like she is involved. If he is found innocent, it will help her see how the system 'works'.

 

On the other hand, if the judge decides that this witness's testimony is valid, her brother could get found guilty. :( It could be a very, very emotional day for all of us.

 

 

If she is a normal, resilient kid, I would take mine, but while I shelter from TV, I am more out front with my son. So far he has coped. What I am thinking of is how much I would have 1) appreciated the vote of confidence to be included with grown up things at that age

2) reality is less fearful than imagination in some children, and

3) Putting the face forward to all concerned, including your 12 year old, that we are family and stand together.

 

But only you know your family and what is best.

[kalanamak]

Thought of an analogy--

If your son was going to have an operation, would you allow your dd to attend? Just because she wants to be a dr doesn't mean she should be in the operating room. So to speak.

 

:lol: I would have loved to go at 12. Instead, my dear dad brought home fresh roadkill for me to dissect. I even dissected a beloved pet.

[Chris in VA]

:lol: I would have loved to go at 12. Instead, my dear dad brought home fresh roadkill for me to dissect. I even dissected a beloved pet.

 

:D Yeah, some kids are like that. LOL

 

But, if it was a tough operation and there was a real possibility of a bad outcome, would your parents take you to that?

 

It's not a perfect analogy, for sure.

[elfgivas]

We've had a son involved in multiple juvenile court appearances. We've never let our other children attend court proceedings. They can be very disturbing, esp if the prevailing teaching in your household is that being in the legal system as a defendent is a bad thing. Of course, in court, our son was wearing jail clothes and came in in handcuffs. That alone is quite disturbing.

I once wanted to bring my dd to see ds when he was in juvenile detention--just the Less Secure shelter, not the jail--the folks there said to keep her far away.

 

Do keep her well informed, reassure her, be available, let her talk to you and ask questions (but don't be surprised if she doesn't)--

Don't view it as an abstract teaching experience to see how the system works. Believe me, it is an entirely different animal when someone you love is about to be at the mercy of the legal system.

Do you know what the punishment will be if he is found guilty? Will it be carried out immediately? Is he currently in detention, awaiting trial, or is he home under your supervision? (I think you've told us, I'm sorry I don't remember.)

 

I don't think a 12 yo should be considered a pillar of the family or a support to anyone. Let her be a kid. YOU be the support. It's too big a burden for a 6th grader.

 

thank you. feedback from someone who has "been there, done that" is worth its weight in gold.

 

ann

[Barb_]

I think if she asks, I would take her. She will be sitting in school unable to concentrate, worried sick, and possibly imagining a scenario far worse than what is happening. She will feel outside the family circle at that age. If she breaks down at school there will be no one available to care for her. If you don't take her, is there any way she can miss that school day to stay with whoever is caring for your 4yo?

 

Barb

[kalanamak]

:D Yeah, some kids are like that. LOL

 

But, if it was a tough operation and there was a real possibility of a bad outcome, would your parents take you to that?

 

It's not a perfect analogy, for sure.

 

I think it really depends on the child and the family. I come from and strive for a family where absolutely nothing is the end of the world, not even death. Looking back on it, I am sure my parents, with their grown-up understanding, were extra careful to put their "grown-up and brave" face on, but how little I feared as a child. As an example, when our waiter on a small freighter was murdered in a very brutal fashion (hacked to bits in his sleep), many people got roaring drunk, extra locks were put on door, etc. etc. One woman, aghast, looked at me and said "how can you be so calm" (I was about to be 12). I said "My father said this was obviously a crime of revenge, and that it will be the only one this trip, so what is to worry about?" I'm sure, now, my father was right. It was one angry person who got revenge on another.

 

"My father said." No words had more weight to me when I was that age.

 

If there was a trail for me to go to, I'm sure my father would have calmly but seriously said the facts of the case, and that he hoped the evidence would prevail, but that not all is in our personal control. There would have been no more yak after he'd answered my questions, I would have gone and sat politely and kept my mouth shut, and merely looked to my stoical parents for guidance on what to do next.

 

But every family is different.

 

(I would feel differently if the trial involved shackles and rape or murder, or there was likely to be "a scene". People think of trials a la TV. Most are very mundane.)

 

The OP said she was leaning against it. She has worries. That alone would put up red flags to me that this is not advisable for this child or this family. But it is hard to allow that one's child might be "stronger" (oh how I hate that word, but what to use) than oneself!

 

Oh, Tap, :grouphug:. Neither choice would be a horrible mistake.

[Terabith]

I would let her go, if she wanted to, and if there was another adult in charge of her. She IS a part of this.

[Liz CA]

I would ask myself how this dd handles emotional stress?

How does she generally cope with conflict/confrontation.

 

If you feel she would handle it well, I'd let her come along BUT I would discuss what will happen (procedurally) beforehand. Talk about how it's going to start, who will do what, etc (as much as you know). Obviously you cannot predict the outcome but she should also be prepared that it may go against her brother. I am not one for sheltering too much but I feel it is a very individual decision as only you know your dd.

 

Incidentally, what will happen if he is found guilty without much evidence? Will it then go on to a jury trial or will there be immediate sentencing? What kind of punishment could be doled out. Do you feel you have a well prepared attorney?

 

This is so upsetting, how much more so it must be for your family and your son.

I'll pray justice prevails.

[mcconnellboys]

What a preposterous situation! No, I would not let her go, I'm sorry. I just think that it could be too emotional for her. I think that your son's dual enrollment and good standing in school should help to convince the judge that this is just a case of witness error - which is highly common....

[mcconnellboys]

And you know, in thinking about this, I'm not sure how on earth she was allowed to walk through the neighborhood and just randomly pick out a person to pin this upon. I thought that it was required now that ID's had to be from a line-up including several persons of similar demeanor - for precisely the reason that witness error is so common.....

[Liz CA]

In a scenario as Chris described, I may think about letting a 12yo attend, however I was under the impression that Tap's son is not in prison clothes or handcuffed. Perhaps I misunderstood. Also the type of proceedings should probably be considered.

[Starr]

I've been to preliminary court hearings for a potentially big case concerning a friend who feels he's been framed. It is tense and exhausting. The lawyers are not nice. It's painful no matter what. And it takes forever! You'll have to decide if she's up for all of that. Bring hard candy. :grouphug:

[JudoMom]

I think I would let her go, especially if she asks.

[elizabeth]

We've had a son involved in multiple juvenile court appearances. We've never let our other children attend court proceedings. They can be very disturbing, esp if the prevailing teaching in your household is that being in the legal system as a defendent is a bad thing. Of course, in court, our son was wearing jail clothes and came in in handcuffs. That alone is quite disturbing.

I once wanted to bring my dd to see ds when he was in juvenile detention--just the Less Secure shelter, not the jail--the folks there said to keep her far away.

 

Do keep her well informed, reassure her, be available, let her talk to you and ask questions (but don't be surprised if she doesn't)--

Don't view it as an abstract teaching experience to see how the system works. Believe me, it is an entirely different animal when someone you love is about to be at the mercy of the legal system.

Do you know what the punishment will be if he is found guilty? Will it be carried out immediately? Is he currently in detention, awaiting trial, or is he home under your supervision? (I think you've told us, I'm sorry I don't remember.)

 

I don't think a 12 yo should be considered a pillar of the family or a support to anyone. Let her be a kid. YOU be the support. It's too big a burden for a 6th grader.

 

The former trial attorney agrees with every word of this post from this very well informed and wise lady.

[NanceXToo]

Yes, I would let her.

 

Although if she didn't WANT to go, I would not make her go.

[Annie G]

Are you comfortable that she's mature enough to sit quietly while someone tells lies about her brother? It's going to happen- the person is going to say she saw him. Can dd listen to such things and not blurt out in court?

 

Praying this case is over quickly, and in your son's favor.

[Laurie4b]

I would lean against it. The system can be very unfair and not work. If it doesn't go well, that could be much harder on dd than to have you filter it for her afterward.

 

Eyewitness identification is not reliable. There is lots of research to that effect. Are you presenting evidence like that in court? Is this a cross-racial id? That's even more unreliable than a same-race id, but neither is dependable, and certainly not as the sole piece of evidence.

 

Just saw your later post. Someone told her ahead of time that it was your son? Shees! Like the teens had to be from the neighborhood!

[Carol in Cal.]

Two questions:

 

Can she take it?

 

and

 

Would it help him if she were there?

 

Those are the ones I would figure out. Then the right course of action would be clear.

[Meriwether]

As a lot of you know, ds16 is going to trial for a burglary that he didn't commit. An eyewitness saw ds16 walking to the mail box in the neighborhood of the robbery, pointed him out to a cop and said "that's him". There was no evidence or fingerprints collected at the scene of the burglary so there is no evidence to clear him. Ds has no identifying marks about him and he doesn't stand out in anyway ie no tats, identifying clothes or physical traits.. Just a typical tall, thin, blond teen. Her description of the robber is that he was "tall, lanky, blond boy about 5'8" wearing a blue sweatshirt " so that doesn't help to clear him. She saw the robber for about 15 seconds. He absolutely didn't do it. He was home, in bed at the time, 3am, so he has no alibi to clear him. It isn't a jury trial, just a judge who will be making the decision. We do believe the crime happened, it is just a case of mistaken identity.

 

 

So far, dd12 has been involved only to the extent of family discussions. She hasn't been to see the lawyer or at the court house.

 

I am trying to decide if I should allow her to go to the trial. She hasn't asked, but I expect her to.

 

On one hand, it would be a good opportunity for her to see the system in action. She can go see a trial (by judge) in a case that I know the facts aren't gruesome or vulgar. She can be there to support her brother and to feel like she is involved. If he is found innocent, it will help her see how the system 'works'.

 

On the other hand, if the judge decides that this witness's testimony is valid, her brother could get found guilty. :( It could be a very, very emotional day for all of us.

 

 

I go over it and over it in my mind and I keep getting stuck on two things. Will she regret not being included as she grows up? ie How some people are upset that they didn't get the choice to attend a funeral as a child.

 

Or could the potential emotional impact be too hard on her? Make her distrust the system? Make her feel less safe in the community? While she has undoubtedly felt the stress in the house, she has been pretty sheltered from it. We aren't a hugely emotional family, so everything so far has been pretty subdued around it.

 

I am going to talk to dd4's therapist/psychiatrist about it too, to get their point of view from a child's mental health standpoint, but I thought I would try here too. (Talk to them about dd12 going, not dd4-she will not be there)

 

 

Please feel free to say what you think, I am very toughed skinned....even if it is 'are you freaking crazy lady' :tongue_smilie:

 

 

ETA: DD12 loves crime dramas, CSI type shows and is strong emotionally. She is very curious and mature for her age, so I am not concerned with inappropriate behavior. She also isn't the type to break down sobbing. I would have an adult in charge of her at the trial so if she needed to leave for any reason, she would be able to. We often say that she could quite possibly be an attorney when she grows up due to her personality and arguing style.

 

 

PS I am leaning more on the side of not letting her go, but I especially wanted to ge others ideas.

 

 

This makes me so angry. What happened to innocent until proven guilty? Lack of physical evidence should not hurt him.

 

As a twelve year old, I would have wanted to be there, but I have younger children so I can't really advise on what I would do as a parent.

[Puma Mom]

If she wanted to go AND understood what could happen that might be disturbing to her AND you know her to be on the mature side of 12, I'd let her go.

 

I would have been able to handle that at 12, and I would have wanted to be there.

[Remudamom]

I don't know about your dd, but I'll be praying hard for your ds.

[freetobeme]

I think it really depends on the child and the family. Oh, Tap, :grouphug:. Neither choice would be a horrible mistake.

 

:iagree:

[phathui5]

If she asks to go, I would probably allow it.

[RanchGirl]

If you think she can handle it, I would let her go, because she wants to be a part of it and because it might help her brother a little. I would make sure there is a responsible person to take her out of the courtroom if things become too tense for her or she changes her mind. If, heaven forbid, he is found guilty, I would not have her there for the sentencing, assuming those will be 2 different hearings. Naturally, you should prepare her that there are two sides trying to prove their case and one of them is going to say unpleasant, untrue things about her brother because they have mistaken him for the person who really did these bad things.

 

Also I would be cautious with whatever else might be on the judge's schedule and only bring her in during your son's case; obviously you don't want to accidentally have her hear details of a violent crime or something like that.

 

This sounds like an absolutely ridiculous situation and some terrible policework. Prayers for your son and your whole family!!

[Elisabeth in IL]

I'm so sorry that your family is having to go through this.

[StaceyinLA]

My kids have been in court with us for a couple of different things. None horrible or gory, but they have been there.

 

She sounds interested, and on the mature side. This will not be gory or have horrific details. It is the real world, and it is her brother.

 

Also, even if he would be found guilty (which would be insane based on the facts you have mentioned), is it likely they will haul him off in cuffs on a first offense? If it wasn't armed robbery, is there a likelihood that he would even serve jail time at all?

 

Unless you have reasons other than those mentioned to exclude her, and assuming she wants to be there, I vote yes.

[Mom in High Heels]

Good grief, what a horrible situation for your family! I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope you get a good outcome and that justice prevails.

 

As for your 12 yo, I'd say no. Trials can be excruciatingly long and you don't know what the prosecution will say about your son. I also agree with the pp in saying that the judge might not even allow her in the courtroom. I say leave her home.

[*LC]

She's going to know the outcome from you anyway and either way it goes she's going to have a lot of questions about how and why the judge arrived at such a decision. I think it's better that she's there to see how it all plays out. I think many people still look at 12 year-olds as babies instead of being one small step away from being a teen. If she's' mature and emotionally strong, let her go.

 

:iagree: If he is somehow found guilty, I she will always wonder how if she wasn't there to see it. I wonder if she will think that you, your son, your attorney didn't do enough to prevent the guilty verdict. Only you know your daughter well enough to know if that is a valid concern.

 

I see the other side also. So, I don't think there is a good answer either way. It is just a bad situation all the way around.

 

I would also ask your son if he has strong feelings either way on her being at the trial.

 

Praying that everyone comes to their senses and that there is no trial.

[justamouse]

I didn't allow my then 14 yo to go to her brother's trials BUT we knew what was going to happen and we had spoken often about it as a family.

 

The difference is, you all don't know. I would let her.

 

 

Also, I just wanted to give you a :grouphug: from another mother who has suffered this same thing. When my son was 15 a neighbor boy accused him of attempted burglary--there was some very bad blood between them and the boy used my son as a scapegoat. A judge heard both sides and acquitted my son, but it was horrible and the damage was done to our family-emotionally and financially (you still have to pay to defend yourself). So, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[elfgivas]

another way to look at it might be...

 

if she were there, would it divide your attention? ie. would you be able to be fully present for him and at the same time monitor how she was doing and help her manage what she is experiencing? would you ever feel a need to leave the courtroom with her and thereby leave him without you there, even briefly?

 

we're thinking about you all a lot!

[Ravin]

DH pointed out that in some states (AZ for example), uninvolved minors aren't allowed in the court room for a trial. Sentencing, yes. Trial, no. You might want to double check whether it would even be allowed.