Is it just me? All of Dd's friends' families are so relaxed about where thier dc are

[LauraGB]

Tonight dd's friend called to see if she wanted to go to Open Swim at the YMCA with her, her brothers and her mom. So, I said I'd drop her off there after softball, sounds like fun. But when we got there, the mom was sitting in the van with the brothers, while dd's friend waited in the vestibule for her. The mom said she didn't want to get out because she was wearing her slippers, which naturally indicated to me she had planned to drop her 11yo dd off to swim with my 11 yo dd alone for 2 hours. At the Y. During evening Open Swim.

 

:confused:

 

It turned out that they misread the Open Swim hours and it wasn't going on. That's good, because I was feeling the need to stay, even though I hadn't planned on it. Dd ended up just going home with them for 2 hours and then came home.

 

I don't know if I've had too much exposure to evening open swim at the Y because of my vocation or if I'm just overprotective or if I'm just cynical. But, either way, there is no way I'm willing to just drop her off there. For one, there are too many people. For two, it's a big puddle of water and accidents happen, regardless of lifeguards. And so on.

 

The thing that made me post about this is that things like this are common for about 90% of not just her brick/mortar school friends, but a fair few of her homeschool friends as well. They are dropped off at the mall for hours. They are dropped off at movie theaters attached to malls. They are dropped at the Y for hours. They are encouraged to ride their bikes down busy roads for 8-10 mile round trip rides alone with no helmets or pads. And so on. I am constantly amazed.

 

So, is it just me? Do I need to cut loose a bit? Are these things age appropriate and I should just back off? I try to be cool; I send them off to find stuff alone in the store. I let them go with a mom and a friend while the Mom sits in the middle of the mall and the girls are armed with a cell phone (and so is that Mom), but this one happened by accident and I would likely have had a problem with it, had I known.

[NorthwestMom]

 

The thing that made me post about this is that things like this are common for about 90% of not just her brick/mortar school friends, but a fair few of her homeschool friends as well. They are dropped off at the mall for hours. They are dropped off at movie theaters attached to malls. They are dropped at the Y for hours. They are encouraged to ride their bikes down busy roads for 8-10 mile round trip rides alone with no helmets or pads. And so on. I am constantly amazed.

 

So, is it just me? Do I need to cut loose a bit? Are these things age appropriate and I should just back off? I try to be cool; I send them off to find stuff alone in the store. I let them go with a mom and a friend while the Mom sits in the middle of the mall and the girls are armed with a cell phone (and so is that Mom), but this one happened by accident and I would likely have had a problem with it, had I known.

 

I have an 11yo DS. He is an excellent swimmer and I would absolutely drop him off at the Y to swim (there are lifeguards, and he is a good swimmer, not a weak one). I would drop him off at the mall if he wanted me to do so, I would drop him off at a movie if he wanted me to do so, and I let him ride his bike without an adult but ONLY with a helmet and cell phone, on low-traffic roads.

 

I don't think you are outside of the norm. For me, I am deliberately raising my kids to be self-sufficient and independent, so I am probably a little more aggressive in allowing my kids to increase their independence and prove to me they can handle things. At the Y, there are a ton of employees and lifeguards, so I think it is low-risk for a good swimmer and a great place to experience being without mom for a homeschooler. However, I would not leave my 8yo or 5yo to be independent outside of the child care rooms there - they are not ready. It's a personal decision for each child.

[happyWImom]

The biggest problem I have with the whole situation is the fact that when your dd's friend asked her to go, she said go with her & her mom-so I would have counted on the fact that the mom was going to be there-like you did. If she was just going to drop them off, you should have been informed of that fact. I would have been livid if they were dropped off without my permission.

[lllll]

..

[Daisy]

My daughter will be eleven in a few weeks. No, I wouldn't drop her off at the Y, the mall, the movies, the park, etc. I personally don't want my daughter having anything to do with the crowds of juvenile delinquents that troll our mall.

 

I'd drop her at a friend's house. I'd drop her off at the church. I might even would drop her off at our small local library (where the librarians know her on a first name basis), but that is it.

 

And I would be irate if a mom had invited my daughter to go swimming and then didn't supervise.

[EJCMom]

I would probably allow my 11-year-old to stay. Of course, at 11 I was riding my bike to the community pool in the neighboring town by myself. Compared to that, dropping my child off at the Y would seem very safe! :lol:

[Mothersweets]

Laura, I agree. I would NOT leave my 11yo at the Y with a friend. It doesn't have anything to do with how well they swim - it is WHO else will be there! I've seen so many weirdos at pools and/or in the locker room that I cringe just thinking about it. It's a shame, really.

 

Don't back off; continue with what you're doing. Your kids will thank you for it when they are older!

[LauraGB]

My dd is a good swimmer. I have no problem with that. But accidents happen. And I want to be there if it does.

 

There are weirdos at the Y. I know this for a fact. Sometimes it makes the papers, sometimes it doesn't. But it does happen, and because of the capacity of the perpetrators, it may or may not get reported.

 

When I was about her age, I rode my bike about 3 miles each way to get my father a 50 cent pack of cigarettes (and a candy bar for myself for the trip). This was "normal" back then. If I didn't come home, a swift comb of the ditches and the 12 people who lived around the area would be enough - I'd be found. That's just sooo not the case anymore.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is interesting. I'm pretty free range in that my kids are allowed to bike in our neighborhood, go to our neighborhood park alone and my ds13 bikes over a mile to tae kwando everyday alone. But - I would not drop my kids off to swim alone at the Y! Like someone else said, there is just too much going on there. I let ds13 go into the men's locker room alone but I'm aware of when he went in and would have no problem asking a male staff person to go in and check on him if there seemed to be a problem. Kids in groups (even a group of two) can stop thinking and do pretty stupid things, too.

[freetobeme]

at our Y, no one under 14 can be dropped off anyway.

[Renee in NC]

I would leave my 12yo at the Y alone. They don't allow anyone under 12 without an adult, though.

 

I won't drop him at the mall. I would leave him at the library during the school day, but after school - no way. I let him fish with his friend at a pond down the road, but he can only catfish (at night) if there is an adult there.

 

We try to be pretty free-range, but recently it bit us in the behind. Because of that, we are being a lot less "free."

[elinnea]

No, I personally wouldn't drop my 11 year old off at one of those places you mentioned. It's a shame really. My dad and I were just having this conversation the other day. When he grew up here (same town we are in now) he would ride his bike all over and take the bus downtown. I didn't ride my bike all over when I was younger (too many cars by then) but I did ride the bus (and wonder now why my parents allowed that!), got dropped off at the movies, mall, etc. I trust my ds but I don't trust OTHER people. Maybe if we lived in a smaller community or something but not where we live now.

[PiCO]

And I would be irate if a mom had invited my daughter to go swimming and then didn't supervise.

 

My dd frequently asks friends to meet her at the pool, but we always make it clear to the other party that I am not going to supervise. I completely understand that parents will be upset if they assume I will be supervising and I'm not.

 

I have let dd go to the pool with friends and no adult since she turned 10. I have found most parents don't do this until 11 or 12.

[Joanne]

The thing that made me post about this is that things like this are common for about 90% of not just her brick/mortar school friends, but a fair few of her homeschool friends as well. They are dropped off at the mall for hours. They are dropped off at movie theaters attached to malls. They are dropped at the Y for hours. They are encouraged to ride their bikes down busy roads for 8-10 mile round trip rides alone with no helmets or pads. And so on. I am constantly amazed.

 

Do you really welcome alternative views? Or do you want only like minded support?

[Laurie4b]

Tonight dd's friend called to see if she wanted to go to Open Swim at the YMCA with her, her brothers and her mom. So, I said I'd drop her off there after softball, sounds like fun. But when we got there, the mom was sitting in the van with the brothers, while dd's friend waited in the vestibule for her. The mom said she didn't want to get out because she was wearing her slippers, which naturally indicated to me she had planned to drop her 11yo dd off to swim with my 11 yo dd alone for 2 hours. At the Y. During evening Open Swim.

 

:confused:

 

It turned out that they misread the Open Swim hours and it wasn't going on. That's good, because I was feeling the need to stay, even though I hadn't planned on it. Dd ended up just going home with them for 2 hours and then came home.

 

I don't know if I've had too much exposure to evening open swim at the Y because of my vocation or if I'm just overprotective or if I'm just cynical. But, either way, there is no way I'm willing to just drop her off there. For one, there are too many people. For two, it's a big puddle of water and accidents happen, regardless of lifeguards. And so on.

 

The thing that made me post about this is that things like this are common for about 90% of not just her brick/mortar school friends, but a fair few of her homeschool friends as well. They are dropped off at the mall for hours. They are dropped off at movie theaters attached to malls. They are dropped at the Y for hours. They are encouraged to ride their bikes down busy roads for 8-10 mile round trip rides alone with no helmets or pads. And so on. I am constantly amazed.

 

So, is it just me? Do I need to cut loose a bit? Are these things age appropriate and I should just back off? I try to be cool; I send them off to find stuff alone in the store. I let them go with a mom and a friend while the Mom sits in the middle of the mall and the girls are armed with a cell phone (and so is that Mom), but this one happened by accident and I would likely have had a problem with it, had I known.

 

I don't think it's allowed at the Y's or private swim clubs here to leave kids as young as 11 at a pool with no supervision. I think the age is 14. One of the issues is that anyone--even a good swimmer--can have something happen and get in trouble in the water. I can't actually say I've ever been to a pool where I thought the lifeguards paid adequate attention. They talk, stare into space, etc. Someone can drown very quickly and other swimmers may not notice. Heck--there have been two stories this week in our local area about kids drowning in public pools. This usually happens WITH parents around, but when my kids are swimming, I actually watch them. So I would want a parent there.

 

For the other stuff you listed, I might do the mall or movie thing. It would depend on who else was going. i would prefer an adult kind of with the group to help supervise. In general, by 13 or 14 I would definitely let them go.

 

Of course they'd have to wear helmets if they biked.

[EmilyK]

I think there are 2 issues

 

--what do you do with your own child (ren)

 

and

 

--what is playdate etiquette

 

I think the play date etiquette is pretty clear that you don't leave kids that age unsupervised without clearing it with the parents first.

 

That said, something like this happened to us when my oldest must have been 8. My husband was really floored (it was his friend who did it). But I think the other family was just clueless.

[LauraGB]

Do you really welcome alternative views? Or do you want only like minded support?

 

Absolutely I'd like to hear from all view points. I don't want to hinder my kids in their growth. I've never had kids older than mine. I will admit the area in which we live leaves me with much trepidation about how much freedom I am comfortable with allowing - but it is not because I don't' trust my dc. For most of my adult life I have worked with a facet of the community (both the individuals and the people who "represent" them) that leave me feeling jaded and on guard for vulnerable beings such as children. I can't actually tell if I'm being smothering or alert. I understand and respect the people in the community of this forum - it is a rare occasion where I don't actually consider the words/wisdom that is being offered.

 

So, please, advise away.

Edited July 29, 2010 by LauraGB
clarification

[LauraGB]

Also, I should point out that at our Ys, the minimum age is 8 to swim alone during open swim (which makes me sound more like a meanie, but there it is).

[Amy loves Bud]

I would probably lean on the "let him go" side of things for my son. But that's not really the point.

 

Knowing that this age is the age when children are transitioning to a great deal more independence, I would just make it a habit to always ask if a parent will be present and never assume they will just because you would.

 

Beyond that, I wouldn't be concerned about what other people's children are allowed to do or not do.

 

Now if the mom told you she would be there, I would have my guard up for future activities with them. If she said she was "taking them" that could have meant something totally different to her than it meant to you. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Also, I should point out that at our Ys, the minimum age is 8 to swim alone during open swim (which makes me sound more like a meanie, but there it is).

 

At our Y it is 10 years old but you have to also pass a swim test. I would want to know how well your dd swims.

[Amy loves Bud]

Also, I should point out that at our Ys, the minimum age is 8 to swim alone during open swim (which makes me sound more like a meanie, but there it is).

 

Not a meanie. A mom setting limits based on knowing her own children and the circumstances that they will be in. Just like the other moms are doing. We're not all going to approach these situations the same way.

[Joker]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your reaction. The pool/water is one place we should all be careful with because something can go wrong so fast. I was a very good swimmer and still ended up in trouble when I was twelve in a crowded pool. The lifeguard never even noticed me - it was another parent.

[KidsHappen]

Well, I wouldn't allow any of those things for an 11 year old but do allow most of them for the 13 year old. Our Y and rec center do not allow children under the age of 13 to be unattended. I allow drop offs for all sports except for swimming. For that I require adult supervision. Most of the parents here are pretty good about communications and we verify what we have been told and insure that children are supervised when need be. I think that really is the most important issue. These things need to be cleared with the other set of parents so that the parents involved can make the right decisions for their family. My dd has a group of friends that pretty much do everything together and the kids are always at one of our houses. Pick ups, drop offs and supervision is pretty evenly divided between the parents. All children are required to stay together and they all have cell phones so I feel that they are safer than if it was just one or two friends doing something together.

 

 

Once one of my dd's friends ask her to spend the night. We talked to the parents and verified that this was ok and made transportation arrangements. Later I found out that the parents I went out partying for the evening and the girls had been left at home alone. :glare: I was livid. My dd does not do things with this child anymore. Thankfully, she moved this summer and will be in a new school next year so we don't even have to deal with them anymore. But yes, the thought that the parents must be insane crossed my mind.

[kalanamak]

T

 

So, is it just me? Do I need to cut loose a bit? Are these things age appropriate and I should just back off? I try to be cool; I send them off to find stuff alone in the store. I let them go with a mom and a friend while the Mom sits in the middle of the mall and the girls are armed with a cell phone (and so is that Mom), but this one happened by accident and I would likely have had a problem with it, had I known.

 

Not at the two Ys we go to. I have met mentally ill people in the locker room of one, and my husband says there is some racial tension at the other. I think I would feel a wee bit safer at the Y in Topeka I've been to, but no, I wouldn't. And why, fundamentally? Because my mother wouldn't have. 14 yes, 11 no.

[joannqn]

The biggest problem I have with the whole situation is the fact that when your dd's friend asked her to go, she said go with her & her mom-so I would have counted on the fact that the mom was going to be there-like you did. If she was just going to drop them off, you should have been informed of that fact. I would have been livid if they were dropped off without my permission.

 

:iagree:

 

 

My daughter will be 11 in 6 months. So far I've allowed her to play at the neighbor's house 3 houses and across the street away, walk to a friend's house 2 blocks away, and go to the school playground with a gaggle of friends 3 blocks away. The last two, she had my cell or a walkie-talkie with her. She's never been dropped off anywhere but a friend's house or an organized activity like Awana. I can't imagine it changing much in the next 6 months. So, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

 

Of course, my decisions are based on the fact that we've had a drive by shooting, a meth house, a drug house, several level 3 predators, a kidnapping/murder, a murder of an adult, a purse snatching, and multiple car accidents (that end up on the sidewalk/yard) in our immediate neighborhood.

 

When I was younger, I had a LOT more freedom...but that was a different world...and, well, it wasn't as safe as my parents thought as I was being sexually molested for the entire six years of elementary school by a neighbor...so the it-was-safer-back-then argument doesn't really fly with me.

[RenayofRohan]

So, is it just me? Do I need to cut loose a bit? Are these things age appropriate and I should just back off? I try to be cool; I send them off to find stuff alone in the store. I let them go with a mom and a friend while the Mom sits in the middle of the mall and the girls are armed with a cell phone (and so is that Mom), but this one happened by accident and I would likely have had a problem with it, had I known.

 

I know parents have different standards/rules for their kids and I respect that. In my opinion, you do NOT need to cut loose or back off. You are loving, sensible, and are trying to make the right decisions for your children. To me, 11 years old is still ~ well ~ kinda young. I think you are being reasonable.

[sassenach]

DD is 13 and goes to the community pool with her friends without parents. She went last summer, as well. To be honest, her maturity level is changing so quickly, I can't remember if I would have allowed it at 11. Every 6 months it seems that there is something that she is now ready for that she wasn't before. We also let her go to the movies without parents (since she was 12). We don't let her hang out at the mall.

[TravelingChris]

I am with Shannon on this. I have a 13.5 as my youngest. Last summer, she was going to swim practice by herself and to the pool by herself. It is only five or six doors down and she walks to it plus it is a small community pool where she and I know people and the lifeguards are very alert adults (we hire life guards from Serbia just because of the problems with inattention in the local high school aged guards. As my older dd says, she likes these life guards because they are mean and have no issues with keeping the place safe and do whistle at kids running, dunking others, etc).

 

When my youngest was 11, she was allowed to walk the dog, ride bikes, stay home alone for short times, and some other things. I don't really remember going someplace more public with friends and no grownups but don't know. She did go to movies at 10 with her 13 (almost 14) yo sister.

[momofkhm]

I would do these things, with my 15 yo dd. Not with an 11 yo! I do drop my 15 yo off at the mall, armed with a cell phone and friends. I did drop my 13 yo off with her once but the 15 yo was with her, there was a group of friends, they had to go during the week and during the day so most people are at work.

 

I do it with my 15 yo because I figure in a few months, she'll be able to do these things, drive herself around and I need to learn to let go, a little. She's proving to be trustworthy so I let go a little more soon.

 

But no, 11 is too young for what you describe.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, obviously the specific venue makes a difference, but in general? Yeah, I think it's overprotective to not allow an 11yo to go swimming in a lifeguarded pool, to the mall, to the park, etc with a friend or group of friends.

 

Think about what YOU did at 11.

 

The summer before I turned 11? I biked up and down main road near our home so we could scout out free cookies from the bakery. I biked to the pool every day for swim team practice and then back again to swim with friends in the afternoon. I rode around looking in water meters for frogs and toads. I went to G.S. camp and VBS. My friends came over for a sleep over and we put too much salt in the cookies we baked.

 

The only thing I remember my parents saying no about was:

 

My brother, my girlfriend, the boy across the street and I were playing Rummy then started a game of Monopoly after playing foursquare with my dad outside. We asked all the parents invovled if we could have a sleep over to play our game. There was some "discussion." We didn't GET it. Anyway, it was decided that we were getting too old for a co-ed sleepover. Phooey.

 

The following summer, I went to Berea, OH to visit my grandmother. We biked or walked EVERYWHERE. We went to the pool alone. We went to the store and and and...Anyway, we ran around free. We visited and helped neighbors and got in a little trouble. I was a little slowed down by an appendectomy, but....

 

Two summers later: My stepsisters and I rode with my baby stepsister on the back of my bike to the bowling alley EVERY SINGLE DAY. That trip required traveling through the whole subdivision and crossing a major road. We shot cans out behind our house. We caught tadpoles in the bayou. My parents had NO idea what I was reading. My stepmom would drop us four older kids off at Six Flags.

 

Anyway, I have been overprotective myself, but....

 

I really think we should be giving our kids more freedom and that not doing so is having some rough consequences.

[MBM]

From what I've read it seems you are not ready to give your child free reign, yet. Nothing wrong with that when you're talking about an 11-year-old. Listen to the little voice in your head.

 

I don't allow my 13-year-old much freedom, but I'm also taking into account that we've had some bizarre child abduction attempts from strangers (yes, they were strangers) and also assaults by strangers directed toward children on busy public roads, so I'm not comfortable with him going about alone. If other people have a problem with my decision, that's their problem. I really don't give a rat's tootie.

 

Furthermore, I'd have a problem with a parent who wasn't entirely forthcoming.

 

My two eldest had much less freedom because we lived in an area of Chicago that had really bad crime. They're in their mid-20s now, living independently and are perfectly fine.

[nd293]

I watch the news - my dd9 does not go anywhere alone, and won't anytime soon...

 

She was invited to a movie by an 11yr old friend the other day. I said yes, but was hugely uncomfortable with my decision. In the end I stayed with them while they bought tickets and until they walked into the cinema itself, and left dd with strict instructions not to go out of the cinema without her friend under any circumstances.

 

I wouldn't leave her at a pool either, nor a mall. No way. Not a chance...

 

Nikki

[emubird]

Alone at the swimming pool during free swim? Nope. I wouldn't do it. It's not overprotectiveness. Lifeguards can't follow everything, and there's a lot going on during free swim. Not to mention the fact that a lot of kids show up to free swim who seem to think it's fun to try to drown whoever is near them.

 

I wouldn't even go swimming by myself during free swim. It just makes sense to have a designated someone who's looking out for you. In case the lifeguard doesn't see an accident developing. And although I may trust my own kids to watch ME, I'm not sure I'd trust most other kids to watch my kid. I know my kids pay attention. I'm not so sure about others.

 

As far as weirdos in the locker room -- that's not something I really worry about during free swim. There are so many people running in and out I doubt there'd be the privacy for anything to happen.

 

At that age, my kids were doing short trips on their bikes to the convenience store, the park, and the library. But, to be honest, I kind of rethought that after my daughter had her bike stolen out from under her. I didn't actually have to tell her to stay closer to home after that incident, though. She just did. Turned out our instincts were probably right, as that single kid who stole her bike terrorized the neighborhood for several years afterward -- culminating in murdering some innocent pedestrian. If that kid hadn't been roaming the neighborhood, we might have been freer in letting our kids roam, but one has to consider the circumstances.

[beccad777]

If you are in the minority, then so am I! My kids are never allowed to go anywhere unsupervised. There are too many weird, crazy, sick people out there to allow kids to run around without someone watching over them.

[Impish]

Diva is 11, and no way would I allow her at the pool alone.

 

She does walk the dog, go to the corner store, play at the park by herself. But all of that is pretty much within shouting distance. She is 11, and therefore, imo, needs to be learning independance, not constantly supervised.

 

At the same time, there are ppl and places that there is no earthly way Diva would be allowed to be alone with/at.

[woolybear]

at our Y, no one under 14 can be dropped off anyway.

 

I was wondering about that factor. Many places (even our library) have such restrictions. I would've thought the Y would too.

 

I think *maybe* it depends on which end of 11 the child is and level of maturity. My ds just turned 10 and I absolutely cannot see dropping him off at the Y or the movies with a friend a year from now. I suppose he may mature a lot, but even then I don't think so.

 

I am constantly amazed at the situations I see young kids alone in. Yes, I was riding my bike to the store alone when I was younger than 11. Otoh, I was not going to hang out for hours at a mall or such at 11. I think those are quite different things.

[kewb]

11 at the Y unsupervised for open swim-No. My kids are excellent swimmers but water is dangerous and lifeguards are only human.

 

That said, I do struggle with free range vs. overprotective. My ds is 12 and this past year I have loosened up a bit. He now rides his bike fairly freely around town. There are a couple of pizzarias and ice cream places that he goes to with friends. My dd is turned 10 and I have slowly been giving her the freedoms her brother had at that age-walking to and from the park alone, walking to friends houses alone, etc.

 

Our town pool allows unsupervised kids at age 13. My ds is all over that for next year. I told him just because the pool allows it does not mean I will. However, I told him he does not have to sit anywhere near me and can pretend I am not there.

[kahlanne]

My dd is extremely mature at age 14 and I really trust her but there is no way I would drop her off at the mall, movies, or the Y by herself even with a cell phone. I do however trust her and her siblings to "babysit" each other with her in charge. The issue isn't trusting her but the others around her and I don't know who may be at the movies, etc. When she is allowed to drive, then she can go those places without parental supervision however only with friends that I am familiar with. If people think I am too overprotective, let them. According to all the "friends" parents, school teachers, etc, she is a typical goofy 14 yr old but can be very mature when needed.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think it depends on the kid. At our pool, kids can be dropped off to swim alone at 10 years old. If they misbehave, the lifeguards will make them sit out or call a parent to come and get them.

 

I think that if your child is uncomfortable asking strangers for help, you shouldn't probably leave them alone until she is. If there are extenuating circumstances, you have to go situation by situation... for example, mt oldest has vision issues, so no biking on the main road yet, not because of maturity, but because his vision is just not there yet. He is allowed to scooter on the sidewalk of the main road, though.

 

My middle is still working on asking strangers for assistance. We practice with the library ladies. This is my one who at six got lost and wouldn't go tell an adult. He just wandered until I found him. ANYONE would have helped him, he just didn't want to speak to them.

 

If going to the Y open swim and the other things are events that your child does WITH you often, then I think she could probably begin to handle them on her own. It sounds like you were thinking she was NOT ready the pool event, so I would be thinking now about how you CAN get her ready, so that when it comes up again, you will know that she is prepared.

[JennyD]

I was a YMCA lifeguard for years and I'd say that 11 is right at the edge -- depends a lot on your child's swimming ability, how crowded the pool is, and how well-behaved your kid is with his/her friends. And you absolutely need to be reachable (this was of course much more of an issue in the pre-cell phone era) in case your child gets injured or sick, or has to leave the pool for bad behavior.

[LauraGB]

If going to the Y open swim and the other things are events that your child does WITH you often, then I think she could probably begin to handle them on her own. It sounds like you were thinking she was NOT ready the pool event, so I would be thinking now about how you CAN get her ready, so that when it comes up again, you will know that she is prepared.

 

We do go together. Just this year I began sitting in the bleachers or lobby (there is a glass wall through which you can watch the pool); before I would sit right on deck, but ds was with and he's not a stellar swimmer at all. But we go in the afternoon when there are fewer people there. She's a great swimmer and ridiculously mature. It's not her - it's me.

 

This age and all the maturing that goes on is what is difficult for me; trying to determine what is too much and what is too little of me to offer by way of freedoms.

 

Lots to think about. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to share with me!

[silliness7]

I think this is a very personal decision. My oldest is 13 and he is starting to stretch his wings and do things more independently. Since he is my 1st the whole thing makes me a little nervous but he is a boy and I don't want to smother him. I am quite sure that my younger children will have some of his experiences at a younger age as long as all goes well and I start to relax a bit more. :001_smile:

 

The real trick, imo, is having hyper-vigilant communication with other parents who will be "in charge" of my child for a bit. Don't expect to know the full story of what's going on if the information is coming from child who heard it from the friend who heard it from the mom. Talk to the mom directly with the full realization that their standards could be different.

 

I sent my sons for the day to play with a friend's sons who I knew explored their urban neighborhood rather freely. To each his own, but I don't want MY children doing that. Before the visit I just said that my children were not very "street" smart and would it be O.K. if she made sure they stayed in her yard. She totally understood and all was well.

 

Same scenario, different friend with a cute family dog...I neglected to realize the extent that my 3rd son is scared of dogs. We don't have much interaction with dogs. Dog & son had an altercation. My son got bit, her dog got quarantined...the situation has been stressful on our friendship. And I'm kicking myself for not saying "my son is kind of freaked by dogs is it possible to make sure they are in separate rooms while he is visiting?" Hindsight is 20/20 :001_smile:

 

ETA: And when friends are coming to OUR house I'm kind of nutty about the TV. I think our standards might be a bit laxer than other families. We have some friends who don't allow Star Wars. So NO TV when friends are over and I tell the moms that up front so that they will not worry. I do not want to be responsible for compromising another family's standards. Besides friends are over...PLAY!!!

Edited July 29, 2010 by silliness7

[KellyinPA]

It's not just you, it's me too:) I could be called over protective, I guess. But, that's okay. I know where my kids are and who they are with and what they are doing. I consider that MY responsibility. I don't shirk it nor do I put it on others. I'm talking about my just turned 9yos at this point. But I have older kids (28, 26, 23 and 19 next month) who I've been down this road with too. The older three are grown and living on their own, one is serving in the Army in Alaska. My almost 19 yo dd has gone on three missions trips (without me;)) So obviously, I do let them go at some point. But for now, the little guys stick with me. I prefer it that way.

[Guest]

I would listen to your instincts.

 

If something ever did happen, God forbid, you would wish you had.

[AngieW in Texas]

I allow my kids to go to the neighborhood park alone at 13yo (it's just 0.5 mile from our house). I allow them to go with somebody at 11yo (so my youngest frequently goes with my middle or one of the other girls on our street). We have a very nice and safe park. There is another park about the same distance away in the opposite direction and I won't allow any of my kids to go there without me.

 

I have taken all of my girls to the mall and let them split up (with cell phones). I usually stick with my youngest. We have a small mall and have never had any problems there. I would NOT just drop my kids off at the mall. Since my oldest got her license in January, she has taken the youngest to the mall twice and they split up as soon as they got there. My oldest was either shopping or filling out job applications.

 

I would NOT be comfortable with my youngest wandering the mall with a group of friends unless it was particular friends. Sometimes kids get very rowdy and show-offy when together. There are only a few friends that I would be willing to let her wander around the mall with (and that's with me actually in the mall even though not with her) and one of them is too young for me to consider letting that happen yet even if her mom was okay with it.

 

Our neighborhood pool is pretty quiet. I would be okay with dropping my kids off there for a while as long as they had a cell phone in the cooler to call me with. I wouldn't want them to be there alone though. I'd want at least two of my kids to be there together. That hasn't happened yet.

[Barry Goldwater]

I would do these things, with my 15 yo dd. Not with an 11 yo! I do drop my 15 yo off at the mall, armed with a cell phone and friends. I did drop my 13 yo off with her once but the 15 yo was with her, there was a group of friends, they had to go during the week and during the day so most people are at work.

 

I do it with my 15 yo because I figure in a few months, she'll be able to do these things, drive herself around and I need to learn to let go, a little. She's proving to be trustworthy so I let go a little more soon.

 

But no, 11 is too young for what you describe.

:iagree::iagree:

 

It also depends on the personality of the kid...my DD14 could be dropped off almost anywhere. I guarantee that if any weirdo laid a hand on her, he'd be picking up his teeth...or worse (no exaggeration). My DD12 is not as 'reactive' or action oriented...more of an analyst, and my DD10 is very bright, but a bit 'spacey' without a shred of 'suspiciousness.' When the younger 2 are older, I might not be as 'flexible' as I can be with the 14 yr old...we'll see.

 

But 11 for any of the kids IMHO is too young to be in public without yours or a trusted parent's direct oversight.

 

BTW, regarding swimming safety, I have LOW confidence in anyone 'professional' keeping my kids safe...no one is going to be as diligent as me and DW. FWIW.

[woolybear]

I'd like to add here that often when I see some of these younger kids out in public w/out an adult they are NOT behaving appropriately and there is no one there to guide them. It is clear many kids still do need that at around 11 or younger or even older. Back in the day...(I'm not sure what day,lol) any adult could/would step in and say something. These days when I have felt a situation really warrants some intervention and have said something, the kids have always looked really surprised. Kind of like "there's actually an adult that's going to call me on this???"

[SquirrellyMama]

I allow my kids to go to the park down the street without me with their friends. There is usually a large group of kids together that all know each other.

 

I wouldn't let them go swimming alone. I do let my 9 yr old go to the library down the street as long as she has my phone with her.

 

They are encouraged to ride their bikes down busy roads for 8-10 mile round trip rides alone with no helmets or pads.

 

I have my kids wear helmets but not pads.

[emzhengjiu]

I wouldn't let my 13 yo DD go unsupervised to a public pool. Some of the public pools in our area have excellent lifeguards but many do not. I've seen and reported lifeguards who were obviously not paying any attention to the swimmers in the pool. Unfortunately, nothing was done. In our apartment complex pool and in several public pools here, the children are rough. I've seen too much roughhousing, pretending to drown others and little respect for the rights of others around them to let my girls go without an adult. Both my girls are very strong swimmers but there are too many potential problems.

 

If my daughters were invited by another family, I would expect the parent to stay unless I was told otherwise before accepting the invitation.

[sheryl]

Tonight dd's friend called to see if she wanted to go to Open Swim at the YMCA with her, her brothers and her mom. So, I said I'd drop her off there after softball, sounds like fun. But when we got there, the mom was sitting in the van with the brothers, while dd's friend waited in the vestibule for her. The mom said she didn't want to get out because she was wearing her slippers, which naturally indicated to me she had planned to drop her 11yo dd off to swim with my 11 yo dd alone for 2 hours. At the Y. During evening Open Swim.

 

:confused:

 

It turned out that they misread the Open Swim hours and it wasn't going on. That's good, because I was feeling the need to stay, even though I hadn't planned on it. Dd ended up just going home with them for 2 hours and then came home.

 

I don't know if I've had too much exposure to evening open swim at the Y because of my vocation or if I'm just overprotective or if I'm just cynical. But, either way, there is no way I'm willing to just drop her off there. For one, there are too many people. For two, it's a big puddle of water and accidents happen, regardless of lifeguards. And so on.

 

The thing that made me post about this is that things like this are common for about 90% of not just her brick/mortar school friends, but a fair few of her homeschool friends as well. They are dropped off at the mall for hours. They are dropped off at movie theaters attached to malls. They are dropped at the Y for hours. They are encouraged to ride their bikes down busy roads for 8-10 mile round trip rides alone with no helmets or pads. And so on. I am constantly amazed.

 

So, is it just me? Do I need to cut loose a bit? Are these things age appropriate and I should just back off? I try to be cool; I send them off to find stuff alone in the store. I let them go with a mom and a friend while the Mom sits in the middle of the mall and the girls are armed with a cell phone (and so is that Mom), but this one happened by accident and I would likely have had a problem with it, had I known.

 

 

Laura, No, it's not just you. I.AGREE!! Parents are not as involved with their kids nowadays. It's sad. This is one isolated case....but, I just replied on the dentist thread. We just returned home from going to a free consult with a local orthodontist. In the waiting room another Mom/daughter were there. The Mom was engaged/engrossed in a magazine and the girl just stared off into space playing with her mobile phone. I glanced over repeatedly and smiled. Anyway, I would NOT.NADA.NEVER just drop my 11 yo dd off either. God has given me "sense", discernment over these matters. Yes, these are public places which should be monitored when kids are present. I agree over 100 percent that things happen. Lifeguards or not, people are human and we make mistakes...accidents happen. That's why they are called accidents, b/c there is no forethought...not intentional.

 

I do NOT even allow my dd to go through the dept store on her own. The only place I will allow her to "go off" for a minute or two is at our grocery store where I know many of the employees. It's a smaller store and they know us. I'll be in produce and I'll send her over to get cereal, but even with that she MUST be back IMMEDIATELY....if not, I go looking for her.

 

Stick with your conviction, Laura. :D